Baloney & Cereal

Justified

2012-02-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

Ava sweet-talks Bubba Gump over some BBQ, and arranges a meet with him and Boyd. I love how effed-up Bubba's teeth are - just atrocious. Boyd wants Mags's money, and is willing to split it in exchange for offing Dickie. Bubba ain't ready to share that yet, but he's willing to help out with Boyd's "weed problem." Devil never burned the weed, so Bubba buys the crap cheap.

Back in prison, a guard had overheard Dickie and Boyd talking about the money. So now he wants it too. Goddamn, I love Jeremy Davies. He is just so weird and perfect and scumbaggy.

Raylan's in pursuit of the guy (Wade Messer) who strung him up to a tree for Dickie last season, who's stealing things to get paid in oxy. And is that one of the political campaign workers from The Killing as a fellow druggie? The head of this little drug ring is Pruitt Taylor Vince, and like every bad guy on this show, he's pretty badass. He has a little game called Harlan Roulette - pull the trigger and live, and you get oxy..... But then PTV pulls the trigger on one of his dudes 6 times - R.I.P. Random Dude.

In his hunt for Messer, Raylan visits PTV's pawn shop and, given that PTV isn't very cooperative, wonders if maybe the pawn shop is a front for the stolen oxy merchandise.

Boyd has plans to control all crime in Harlan. No more whores, just pills and protection. He has standards, and I love them. Boyd goes to Johnny's old bar to try to take it from the owner. And Johnny's there too! YAY! They take it back.

The Detroit Mafia (Quarles) and Duffy have plans of their own - setting up pill mills in Harlan. This means setting up fake doctors' offices, writing prescriptions for addicts, and then skimming half of the pills to be shipped to Detroit to be sold at a high cost. Quarles wants PTV to kill Raylan for snooping around. PTV sends Messer to do it.

Messer meets up with Raylan to "turn himself in." Raylan gets to the gun before Messer can - and they have a typical, hysterical conversation. Raylan has Messer call PTV and tell him Raylan's dead but he's been shot and needs help. PTV is suspicious, and arms himself before going to meet Messer. Raylan's all, What's up, PTV? Another great conversation, and PTV offers to give up Wynn Duffy and his associates. But PTV and the guy from The Killing end up shooting each other. As Raylan says, "Shit."

Quarles's arm gun is pretty damn cool. He's there when Raylan visits Duffy in Duffy's RV. Raylan roughs Duffy up and throws a bullet at him. Says the next one's coming faster. Then Quarles is all, "How fast will those bullets be when they're coming back at you?" and has an AWESOME little masculine-yet-bitchy faceoff with Raylan. Raylan takes Quarles's picture, and Quarles smiles for it. Seriously, that final scene was AWESOME!!!

Project Runway All Stars

2012-01-31T18:11:00.002-05:00

Challenge: Design a look inspired by a flavor of gelato. Wow, random challenge is random. I want the chocolate and cayenne pepper gelato badly. Also -- the designers have 6 hours to do their outfit. AHAHAHAHA! They even get a Mini-Mood set up in their building since there's no time to shop. There's some gluing involved, even by Austin. The horror!

It's funny to see Austin working in jeans and a wife beater, isn't it? No matador costume? This could be his boldest outfit choice yet!

I loved Mondo's drapey dress, which looked simple but also very outside of what he usually does. Man, I love Kenley's adorable little dresses. They never get old. April sends out a short-ass purple dress. Kara's model looked like a pregnant cupcake (thank you, Jerell). Jerell finally makes something amazing - loved his and Austin's. Michael made a bathrobe from an old Golden Girls episode, but the judges are cool with that.

Winner: Michael and his bathrobe.

Bye-bye: April. Oh how sad, but seriously, that thing was a mess. I always forget how young she is though - 22! Insane!

Haywire

2012-01-31T17:31:00.001-05:00

I watched Haywire. Did I mention that I watched Haywire? My bad. It's because I liked The Grey so much better so I became a bit obsessed with how awesome that was.

Haywire was cool though. It stars Gina Carano, a female MMA star I had never heard of before seeing her on this panel at Comic-Con last year. I didn't even realize there was female MMA. Insane. Anyway, because she is a real fighter, her fight scenes were amazing. It's not skinny-ass Angelina Jolie bringing down dudes here; it's someone you actually believe.

But, it being a Steven Soderbergh film, it can't be all fight scenes. The movie must be filled with a million famous actors, feature cool camera angles, and most importantly have a lot of really crappy music playing during running sequences. A lot. For whatever reason (because I'm dumb) I would have preferred this movie just dumbed-down and all kickass. It's still good though! And I have a mad girl crush on Gina Carano - that bitch is sexy onscreen. I hope she does more action movies for sure.

Fringe

2012-01-27T22:44:00.001-05:00

Freak of the Week: Girl draws people's deaths before they happen.

Walter and Pacey are working on a way to get Pacey home. And Walter can't feel his urine response yet - because he's electrocuted himself 3 times.

Olivia's spooked investigating this girl who predicts death, what with The Observer predicting hers. She's also still getting headaches, what with Nina doing weird procedures on her without her knowledge.

The girl draws some kind of mass casualty situation, and Walter hypnotizes her to get more detail on the event. It's a detonated explosion at a courthouse, so the team shows up to prevent it. Then the girl predicts her own death and dies.

Not too much forward progress on the plot, but still interesting stuff. Next week is Doppelgänger Party Time, which is always fun.

This Week's Code: MARCH. Of the Penguins? Actually, it's probably the name of The Observer who's spying on Olivia at the end. They're all named after months, right?

The Grey

2012-01-27T21:48:00.002-05:00

Holy crap go see this movie. OK, so just as you've seen on the commercials, The Grey is literally "Liam Neeson Fights Wolves" -- and it's every bit as awesome as that description would lead you to believe. Seriously.

A plane crashes in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere In The Dead Of Winter and is stalked by wolves. Basically my worst nightmare. So you've got to survive the crash, the elements, and the damn huge crazy-ass wolves.

This movie terrified me. It was so tense I was laughing out loud at times. I just couldn't take it! It will also make you freeze your ass off. I'm pretty sure I have frostbite, and I live in South Florida. It's the closest I need to get to real Winter weather this year, thank you very much. It looks awful and I would have killed myself 5 minutes in, guaranteed.

Liam Neeson kicks a lot of ass, both human and wolf. I also call him as the Coolest Costume of Halloween 2012. All you need is a beard, some bruises, lots of winter clothing, and some glass duct-taped to your knuckles. Hell. Yes.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

2012-01-26T19:39:00.001-05:00

EEEEEEE I forgot this was starting! Excellent.

The couples are paired up. Emily and Ty hate each other. Johnny and Camila seem ready to hook up again. Paula would definitely do Dunbar again.

The elimination rounds take place in The Dome. Ooooooo. Each Challenge's Power Couple chooses who goes into The Dome against the Challenge's losing couple.

The house is decorated with pictures of the couples' happier moments together. Love it! There should be nothing but large posters everywhere.

Challenge: The Challenge involves coating themselves in honey and wiping it off of each other. Of course it does - I'd expect nothing less from the first Challenge on Battle of the Exes.

Nate is my Number One Stunner in terms of hatred. Ugh. Just a fat, bro-dawg douche. Annoying, unfunny ass. Lucky for me, he also appears to suck at Challenges - he keeps falling in the water over and over and it's hysterical. Dunbar is fat as hell, but not as fat as Vinny. Naomi is a skank. I feel bad for Diem because she and CT had a legitimate relationship and they haven't talked to each other in ages and she's grossed out by all of his hookups and he's sad that she blew him off after his brother died. So it's helllllllla awkward. I genuinely feel bad -- but I love it.

Power Couple: Johnny and Camila.

The Dome: Wes and Mandi are sent in to go against losers Nate and Priscilla. I thought the challenge would be far, far too athletic for Nate to handle, and I was right. Even Mandi outlasted him.

Bye-bye: Nate and Priscilla. Sorry I couldn't continue loving to hate you, bro. Glad to know you have big plans for the future -- like coming back to the next Challenge.

Justified

2012-01-25T20:39:00.001-05:00

Winona and Raylan banter about selling her house and her affair with the previous realtor. I love me some Winona and Raylan banter like mad. They're just domestically adorable in this episode. Makes you wonder how long it's going to last.... Should I predict a miscarriage at this point?

Boyd gets a jailhouse visit from Raylan. AND IT'S ADORABLE because he's chatting him up about their crazy love lives. And then he tells Boyd he's getting him out of jail... because no doubt Raylan knows Boyd wants to be there and doesn't want Boyd to kill Dickie. Walton Goggins says the line, "I'm done" in such a way to make us laugh out loud and rewind. Goddamn, that man.

Our side story is about a chick in witness protection whose Marshall handler is killed. That brings Assistant Director Carla Gugino to town, and she and Raylan clearly have a past. Plus she's Carla Gugino so she's hot as shit.

The Marshall was killed by another one of his witness protection guys. Art is sent to guard that guy while Rachel's on the chick. Art of course kicks ass and the guy doesn't get the jump on him. Art also proceeds to give the guy the Jack Bauer treatment to figure out who he's working with. Nice. Rachel gets to do some kicking ass too, protecting her chick from the guy coming to get her with a well-placed headshot.

Boyd proceeds to get himself beaten up by a bunch of black guys (after exposing his racist tattoos) so he gets put into solitary near Dickie. Boyd doesn't exactly want to kill Dickie - at least not yet. He wants to know where all of Mags' money is. It's with Bubba of Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. And Bubba's a cool, badass dude. A black Mags I dare say. Looking forward to it!

Project Runway All Stars

2012-01-21T21:40:00.002-05:00

Challenge: Create a cocktail dress for Miss Piggy. Oh god. I hate The Muppets. I don't think adults should like The Muppets... but I'm aware that I'm outnumbered on this one. I also hate when people talk about Miss Piggy like she's a real person, calling her sexy, etc. She doesn't need comfortable clothes. She's a puppet. When she judges your outfit, she's going to have a guy's hand up her ass. Ugh. DIE. Has she been an inspiration to you your whole life, Austin!? HAS SHE!?

Just when I'm thinking this is the worst challenge ever, that dumb not-Tim-Gunn bitch says it's one of the greatest challenges in the history of ever ever ever. DIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

Austin dresses like goddamned Zorro for the runway judging. And now I'm reminded that I REALLY hate Miss Piggy because she's an unfunny bitch with an awful voice. Kill me now.

None of the designs blew me away, except for Rami's - and even then, I can't decide if it was over-the-top-awful or over-the-top-awesome. Austin's had some awful bows on the hips, Mila's was boring as shit, and Gordana's was a nightgown.

Winner: Michael. But seriously - check out Rami's polka dot dress. I think I love it.

Bye-bye: Gordana and her Russian nightgown nightmare. Imagine being the designer who gets booted for designing for Miss Piggy. Poor thing.

Fringe

2012-01-20T22:01:00.001-05:00

Walternate tells Broyles that shapeshifters have infiltrated the Department of Defense, unaware that Evil Broyles is on their side (or maybe he's a shapeshifter himself!).

Lincoln and Fauxlivia get my man David Robert Jones (whose skin is freaky-awesomely-awful). He's in a lab raising shapeshifters like they're children. Or farm animals. Peter is all set to scram back home (ish) to the other universe when he sees DRJ, and tells Walternate that DRJ is from the other universe.

Meanwhile, some crony of DRJ's releases a gas in a hospital. And it causes people's skin to come off. EEEEEEWWWWW of the Week. The threat of more attacks is all the government needs to release DRJ - along with a tracking device. Of course, DRJ eludes the tracking device with the help of Evil Broyles.

Peter helps them figure out that DRJ is going after some powerful rock (honestly) that can be used to blow up the Earth (seriously). And Our Lincoln is suspicious that DRJ has help on the inside. DRJ crosses over to the other side in order to get that rock, so the team follows. Peter's mom crosses over too, so she can convince Walter to help Peter get back to his timeline.

DRJ brings the rock back to the other universe and now my eyes have gone crossed trying to keep up with the universes. Both Fringe teams assemble. Pretty cool to have a table full of 2 each of Broyles, Olivia, and Lincoln. They're going to work together to find DRJ. And Walter's going to help Peter get back to his timeline when they're done. And Nina is working with DRJ. And I think that's it.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He's getting really freaky with molecular gastronomy - liquifying meat, making Parmesan ice cream.

This Week's Code: DEATH.

Top Chef: Texas

2012-01-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using 3 random-ass ingredients that come off of a conveyor belt. I could make something using sauerkraut, Oreos, and Pop Rocks, I just know it! Beverly would have won, but she didn't get her curried Rice Krispies to the plate in time. Ha! Lindsay wins instead.

Elimination Challenge: Make a gothic feast for Charlize Theron. It's meant to coincide with Charlize's role as the Evil Queen in one of those Snow White films, but that thing isn't coming out for 6 months. They couldn't have shoehorned in a Young Adult-themed challenge? Everyone's making bloody, murderous, evil dishes, including heart. Heart. Paul puts a "bloody" handprint on the plate - awesome. Grayson's freaking black chicken claw looks scary as shit!! And it even had an egg to represent the unborn child!!! They all actually pulled out some amazingly creative dishes. So it ended up being a great challenge - like, maybe one of the best ones ever! Odd movie promotion aside....

Winner: Paul and his bloody handprint.

Bye-bye: Beverly. The judges said everyone was great, they just got nitpicky with things because they had to. And hers was definitely the least "out there" of all of the dishes. Damn, no more Beverly to kick around....

Justified

2012-01-18T22:23:00.002-05:00

I'm going to attempt to blog about Justified this season, though I worry the blog will look more like OMFGRAYLANISSOHOTTTTT!!!! I'll try to restrain myself, but seriously - Raylan Givens is a goddamn iconic character. So happy this show is back.

I love that this show always picks up a new season right where it left off. So we have Raylan in the hospital, having just been shot, and Winona going to visit him. And now we jump 3 weeks later. Raylan's at the gun range (I'm refraining from capslocking!) and things aren't going too well. He's still not 100%, and is on desk duty for a while.

It's also hard to write while I'm watching this show because of the fast dialogue. It's awesome. Boyd and Raylan have their first confrontation, over where Mags's pot and money may have wandered off to. Of course, it ends in them making out - I mean fighting. Line of the Night candidate: Boyd says something about running off to Mexico with the money, and Raylan says, "I don't think you'd like Mexico." "Why?" "There's a lot of Mexicans." Love it.

Raylan thinks they should get a house now that Winona's knocked up. I'm gonna miss the motel room if they move. I love that crappy motel room Raylan's lived in this whole damn time.

Our Big Bad this season represents the Detroit Mafia, who invested in the Dixie Mafia... and wants its money back. He's got a really creepy guy working as his muscle - nicknamed Ice Pick. The marshals (Tim! I love you!) investigate when he kills a guy. Duffy factors into the investigation. YAY Duffy! "I gotta get back to watching women's tennis." LOL he's so random. This Ice Pick creep is in the motel room when Raylan and Winona return home. There's an AWESOME tense conversation over gunpoint. Naturally, Raylan gets the upper hand in the end. Let's just say it ends with the line: "Sorry about your tablecloth." Closing out that plotline, the Detroit Mafia guy shoots the head of the Dixie Mafia and his assistant in their faces. He doesn't need them anymore. Thankfully, he lets Duffy live.

In Boyd land, he and his crew are stashing trashbags full of Mags's weed in Arlo's house. And I mean trashbags full. Literally. Piled up in the living room. The crew screws it up of course -- they put the plants in the bags wet 3 weeks ago and most of it is moldy crap now. It's up to Ava to straighten everything out while Boyd's in prison for assaulting Raylan. He tells her to burn it. They can't keep sitting on it and no one is willing to buy it in its condition for the price they want. She cracks Devil across the face with a frying pan when he tries to protest her orders. Ava's gonna be the Mags of that operation.

At the end, we see Dewey and Jeremy Davies are in the same prison as Boyd. He's clearly in there for a reason. Boyd assaulted Raylan, not randomly, but so that he'd get to these guys in prison for some reason. I love my crazy, cunning Boyd.

Top Chef: Texas

2012-01-16T17:42:00.000-05:00

It's Restaurant Wars!!!!! And it's a battle of the sexes.

The guys' restaurant is Canteen and has a cool little vibe going for it. It also has a retarded wait staff. The girls name their place Half Bushel and they bitch at each other - a lot. Women just can't work together.

The women win but neither of the restaurants blew anyone away. The chicks' food was apparently better.

Winner: Beverly. Good - give her a boost to her self-esteem and then kick her out next week. I love to hate her.

Bye-bye: Ty-Lör. It's about time. Please take your umlaut and go.

Project Runway All Stars

2012-01-16T14:24:00.002-05:00

Challenge: Create a show-stopping gown for a night at the opera.

There's nothing much to blog about when you already know about the contestants. We're not learning anything new about them. They don't even really talk amongst themselves - they're all business. The only thing I saw was Rami and Anthony leaning against each other on the couch, but I don't think they're doing it. That's just my professional opinion.

Kenley made a pink monstrosity, as Kenley would. I didn't like Gordan's purple thing. Rami's dress was such a bright shade of pink that's all you could see. Sweet P... what the hell? It was like a giant maternity picnic tablecloth. Loved Mondo's, and couture isn't even his thing. Jerell did a damn pregnancy dress too. Michael made a gorgeous beaded, feather-laden thing. April's dress looked like a used tampon.

Winner: Austin. Of course. His dress looked like an Oscar and was pretty constrained for him.

Bye-Bye: Sweet P. Seriously - pregnant picnic table.

Next week involves designing for Miss Piggy. God save me, that's going to be the worst challenge ever.

Fringe

2012-01-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

Yay! Fringe is back. My life is complete. I just can't live without Olivia that long....

Walter's making Pacey chocolate chip banana pancakes (just shirtless, he has pants on) and Olivia comes down to kiss them both. It's a happy domestic scene, which can only mean it's a dream.

Peter wants to use the Peter Bishop Death Machine to get back to his timeline. Walter refuses to help him, so Peter asks Olivia and Lincoln to help him get to the Other Universe to get Walternate's help instead. They steal the original universe-jumping machine from Massive Dynamic and Lincoln (undercover as Kickass Lincoln Lee) and Peter cross over.

Other Universe Freak of the Week: Guy has a weird face, guy gets hit by a bus. I don't know, it's about this time that I see Jared Harris in the credits and start freaking out. David Robert Jones, bitch! One of my favorite characters ever! Wasn't that Season 1? Then Walternate starts digging through the guy's guts - awesomely gross. He finds one of those shapeshifting devices. Now here's the thing - each side thinks the other is sending shapeshifters. Walternate's not doing it -- his Brandon ends up being a shapeshifter. So who's sending them? I say it's Jared Harris.

Lincoln and Peter are caught, and there's a super-hot Lincoln Lee Face Off. While being transported, a rogue agent tries to kill Lincoln and Peter, but those 2 make a pretty kickass team and they escape.

Peter goes to see his mommy to see if she can get Walternate to help him. Jesus, Peter has been reunited with about 55 different versions of his parents at this point in the series. Walternate says he'll help Peter get home if Peter will go back to the other side and let them know that Walternate's not the enemy, and that he's not behind the shapeshifters.

In the meantime, Fauxlivia and Alt Lincoln are investigating who tried to kill Peter and Lincoln. Their investigation is about to lead them to David Robert Jones, who is working with Broyles. And has a bunch of bodies in, like, suspended animation or something.

Back to the other side, where an Observer visits Olivia and tells her he has looked into all possible futures and in every one the result is the same - she has to die. And then he disappears. It's also worth mentioning he had been shot. And also that David Robert Jones is back!!! WHEEEE!

This Week's Code: JO (heh)... JONES.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

2012-01-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

I was really looking forward to this show... and then found out it was just a preview (I'm sorry - "the pre-game"). *sad horns* You know what? I don't care. I need this. I'll take it.

It's "hosted" by Kenny, who is awkward and awful at hosting. And the panel doesn't help much - Laurel, Mike, Tyler, and Jenn. I like Laurel's blonde hair but that bitch has no personality. The panel gives us their pointless predictions on how the couples will fare.

So here are our couples:
Paula and Dunbar - shocker, Paula's on a Challenge.
CT and Diem - I always thought they were a cute couple. We witnessed their first kiss! CT always brings the crazy.
Wes and Mandi - they hooked up, but it appeared to be mutual so they shouldn't really have bad blood between them.
Naomi and Leroy - I didn't watch that season, but I do like Leroy.
Heather and Dustin - again, didn't watch that season, but he is the one who did gay-for-pay online porn. Nice.
Priscilla and Nate - GODDAMMIT, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Nate is gross. Like, big fat bro-seph gross.
Abram and Cara Maria - I always liked those freaks. Too bad they didn't make it.
Jasmine and Tyrie - No thoughts on them. Maybe she'll go crazy?
Emily and Ty - I liked them too, but they have a hella volatile relationship.
Rachel and Aneesa - Should be good competitors, but who cares about that - lesbian drama.
Johnny and Camila - boring.
Mark and Robin - I liked them together. She's a crazy whore and I love her.
Sarah and Vinny - who is this Vinny effer and when did Sarah hook up with him!? I totally watched that Challenge -- I remembered the clips they showed -- but don't remember them.

Top Chef: Texas

2012-01-09T21:06:00.003-05:00

Quickfire Challenge: Make something using modernist techniques. Beverly's technique involves squirting her foam all over Padma's dress. Awkward bitch. Ty-Lör wins, though I liked Squinty Chris's Miracle Berry thing better. I want a Miracle Berry -- they make lemons taste sweet!!!! They sell them on Think Geek and I will get them some day. Oh yes, I will.

Elimination Challenge: Texas barbeque. It's a team challenge, and they all just form their own groups. They get to cook outside in giant BBQ pits and smokers... and in an RV, but unfortunately they're not cooking meth.

Chris, Chris, and Beverly make some beer can chicken and Dr. Pepper spare ribs.

Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay go Asian-influenced. Are there Asians in Texas?

And Ed, Sarah, and Ty-Lör cook so much that Sarah nearly dies from smoke inhalation. She's carted off to the hospital and the boys are left to finish on their own.

Winners: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay. Go figure - the Asian flavors worked! They also had some problems with the smoker. But they worked really hard and I love all of them so I'm glad they won.

Bye-bye: Both of the other teams really sucked it up. Pretty Boy Chris leaves because of his salty-ass dry rub.

Project Runway All Stars

2012-01-08T10:46:00.000-05:00

So this All Stars season has been in the can for a while. Makes you wonder what took so long to air it, but it was probably just trying to avoid Project Runway exhaustion.

Here's who we get: Mondo (yay!), Michael Costello (yay!), Mila, Anthony (fierce!), Jerell, Elisa (who? oh - the hippie who spits on her clothes), Austin Scarlett (natch), Kenley (my girlfriend whose voice I love to imitate the whole time), Rami, Gordana, Sweet P, April (rocking gray hair!), and Kara.

Who we don't get? Heidi Klum, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia. We get some never-heard-of-before-model as host (she sometimes looks like Michelle Monaghan, has a sing-song-y whiny voice, and often needs to clear her damn throat) and a couple designers, including Isaac Mizrahi, as judges. Worst of all: No Tim Gunn. Well now, maybe this is why it sat on the shelf... maybe it sucks. Good thing we know the designers and they're all good personalities -- they're going to need to carry this show.

Gotta love Austin, having his gaygasms anytime he sees a designer he loves. Even Anthony can't out-gay Austin.

Challenge: The unconventional materials challenge -- this time, using materials from a 99-cent store. On the plus side, nearly all of the designs are fierce! Rami and Mondo were particularly amazing and Sweet P and Elisa stunk it up - no shock there.

Winner: Rami. Fab.

Bye-bye: Elisa. I'm surprised it wasn't Sweet P. Bye, crazy!

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes: YES!

2012-01-04T21:35:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Kim for the reminder to check this preview out. Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes. This looks epic. Some thoughts: Abram and Cara Maria broke up. Shocker. Who did Sarah bang? Jesus, Robin, stop doing shows and go raise your kid. Looks like even more drama than usual - and it's the kind of show they could do for 50 years because they have quite the pool to choose from - PLUS I really like that Arctic setting at the end - normally they're all about the tropical locations, but I really like the idea of these idiots freezing to death. Hope it's awesome (and that I remember to watch it)!

MTV Shows

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: Movies

2012-01-02T10:30:00.001-05:00

I haven't seen The Descendants yet - and I really want to - but I'm suddenly sick and in a bad mood, so I'm not going to force myself to see it now. Let's just assume it's on my list of favorite films of 2011. Let's also assume you couldn't pay me to watch War Horse or Hugo. Because you couldn't. Anyway, here's my shoddy list for Favorite Films of 2011 (see, aforementioned illness):

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - The more I think about it, the more I love it. And the less dark I find it. Seriously, I loved this twisted movie.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol - Jeremy Renner and Simon Pegg and cool stunts. Most Re-watchable Film of the Year.

50/50 - Comedy of the year. Cancer film of the year.

Crazy, Stupid, Love. - I just watched this yesterday, and for a romantic dramedy -- not exactly my favorite genre -- I loved it. My crush on Emma Stone doesn't hurt. For the record, I choose her over Ryan Gosling, but it's close. It's a really lovely multigenerational story of love and soulmates. And I still liked it. Go figure.

Drive - It's the Year of Ryan Gosling. Super cool, ultra violent. Now that's my kind of flick!

Attack the Block - Best British film, best alien film.

Young Adult - Charlize Theron: my immature bitch hero.

Super 8 - Second Most Re-watchable Film of the Year.

Young Adult

2012-01-01T13:39:00.003-05:00

Is it wrong to look up to Charlize Theron's character in Young Adult? OK, not really, but I definitely feel bad for the screwed up bitch. From the outside, she's gorgeous and glamorous and has a cute dog and has it all together. But when she wakes up in the morning, she has eyeliner all smeared under her eyes, she neglects her adorable dog, and she's a delusional alcoholic who drinks Diet Coke and booze like water. And it's both funny and heartbreaking to watch.

Patton Oswalt, who I always love, is great as an old classmate she bonds with -- as much as this immature-beyond-her-years chick can bond with another human being. Props to Theron, who plays a pretty horrid bitch in a way that makes you pity her. The poor thing is just too messed up and immature to realize what she really has -- or doesn't have -- going for her. And just when you feel bad for her, she goes back to being a bitch. It's great, and really left me wondering if Mavis was going to change her ways or not. I think so, but then again I kind of hope not. Bitch Mavis is fun.

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: Music

2011-12-31T12:32:00.001-05:00

I tend to become obsessed with songs about 3 years after they're popular. To whit, my current playlist includes:

"Forever" - Drake
"Black Sheep" - Metric
"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

Actual current music that I enjoyed this year?

Adele, 21, particularly "Turning Tables" and "Set Fire to the Rain."

Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More, which totally counts as a 2011 album because that's the year it won awards, and it's still getting nominated even though it came out in 2009. I love singing along to their songs, all the more so because Mike can't stand them.

Florence + The Machine, Ceremonials. Go ahead and don't sing along to "Shake It Out."

Foo Fighters, Wasting Light, still making awesome rock music.

The best (and only) concerts I attended this year: Linkin Park and Rush! Yeah, I'm hella current.

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: TV

2011-12-31T12:01:00.001-05:00

As always, I'm waiting til the last minute to try to catch a couple more movies before I can give my Top Whatever list. But TV is my live-in boyfriend, and I can safely give my list now. Though I'm still worried I've forgotten something....

1. Breaking Bad. There's TV, and then there's Breaking Bad. Honestly, it's in a class by itself in terms of writing, acting, and visuals. 2011 was awesome solely because it's the year I finally caught up on this show. There's a reason it's on everyone's Best Of All-Time TV Ever Ever Ever lists. If you haven't watched it yet, there's plenty of time to catch up. Do it. I've already seen the first 3 seasons 3 times and the most recent one twice. Is that wrong? No. And if you catch up now, you get to watch them all in a row without having to wait a week to a year between episodes; it's the best way to do it. Do it.

2. Justified. So excited this is coming back in a matter of days!! It is some badass, cool TV, and Timothy Olyphant is wonderful. Looking forward to hearing the awesome dialogue again!

3. Parks & Recreation. You know what this list has going for it so far? The best casts - and characters - on television. Every single character on Parks & Rec is awesome and I want to hug them all every week. This is the only show guaranteed to leave me smiling every week. Yes, it is literally funnier than Community.

4. Homeland. Holy crap, this was some awesome TV. Think 24 in terms of the terrorism angle, but it's different. Week to week you're not sure who the good guys and bad guys are. Claire Danes is so amazing on this show and if she doesn't win an Emmy, the world sucks. She gets crazier as the season goes on and it's wonderful to watch. Mandy Patinkin is also awesome -- and those are words I never thought I'd say.

5. Community. Whereas I find Parks & Rec to be laugh-out-loud funnier, this show is crazy-funny. I can't believe the stuff they get away with. An episode devoted to several different possible timelines? Craziness! It's the kind of bold comedy that is not destined to last long, but at least we'll have a few seasons to rewatch once it's gone.

6. Game of Thrones. A series I was not expecting to like as much as I did. It's not normally the kind of thing I'd go for, but it's another collection of awesome characters and stories. I really loved this show, and was surprised by it.

7. Tosh.0. OK, this is actually the most laugh-out-loud-funny show on TV.

8. Fringe. I miss my show; it's still both bold and good fun. Multiple universes, timelines, versions of characters - gotta love it. This season added Lincoln Lee to the cast of characters and I couldn't be happier. Unless they brought back Charlie.

9. Sons of Anarchy. I finally caught up on this show this year, and loved it. This year's season wasn't the best, but it's still better than most of the crap on TV. It's ambitious and ballsy and badass. I really loved the second season and hope the white supremacists make their way back to the show. Here again we have a lot of great characters; I especially love Opie and Tig.

10. Sherlock. This was a quick little 3-part British mini-series, but it's coming back in 2012 too. It's a modern-day retelling of the Sherlock Holmes characters and it's excellent. And who doesn't love Martin Freeman in anything? I'll tell you who - Communists.

These Shows Really Suck But I Used To Love Them And So Help Me God The Shows Listed Above Better Not End Up Like Them: Chuck and The Office. They are mostly painful to watch now, and I don't know why I'm sticking with them, other than I never surrender!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

2011-12-29T21:14:00.000-05:00

It's hard for me to give a full review for Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows -- because I kept falling asleep during it. I guess that should be my review: I give it 3-4 cat naps.

It can't be all the movie's fault - I was sleepy (per usual) and had just eaten lunch. Get my old ass in a darkened movie theater in those conditions and it's all over.

So, given that I was falling asleep, especially in the beginning, I am no judge of plot. It seems to me there wasn't one, but I likely dozed off during any explanations/rationales. What I did enjoy were the visuals and the Robert Downey, Jr., which is exactly what I enjoyed about the first movie anyway. I was disappointed that Professor Moriarty was highly under-utilized. I mean, I qualify that remark with the fact that I kept falling asleep, but I highly doubt I slept during all his good parts. I love me some Jared Harris and I love me the idea that Moriarty is Sherlock's toughest opponent, but I just didn't feel that here. At all.

The movie's not a total waste -- I felt a little more refreshed when it was all over. Til it was time for a proper nap anyway.

Top Chef: Texas: Times Two

2011-12-29T21:07:00.002-05:00

Time to catch-up on the holiday DVR backup.... And nothing like reheating pizza in the oven whilst watching chefs hustle to cook their asses off.

Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish that pairs with a chosen tequila. I'm not a tequila person, but I had an amazing blueberry/basil margarita in Disney Mexico on Christmas that I'm still dreaming about. Ty-Lör and his dumb name wins.

Elimination Challenge: They get paired up randomly and Beverly and Heather are a team. And they hate each other. Awesome. Each team has to cook a chosen game dish, all of their fellow cheftestants will also be judges, and both losing team members will be sent home. Come on, drama! Tragically, it's all pretty effing dull. Until Judges' Table, when Heather says Beverly sucks and throws her under the bus for the last challenge, which makes no sense because 1) they're on the same team and will both be sent home and 2) she's talking about last week. STFU, dummy.

Winners: Ed and Ty-Lör.

Bye-bye: Dakota and Nyesha for their (really, Dakota's) undercooked venison. Boooooooo. I loved both of them! On the plus side, Beverly and Heather have to go home together.

On to the next one, when the show moves to Austin....

Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish based on live Tweets that are shouted-out by Padma and Tom. They start out making something with bacon, then they have to make a hash to accompany their dish, then incorporate an ingredient that is handed to you by a fellow cheftestant. Paul wins. Twitter still stinks.

Elimination Challenge: Make a dish to honor your culinary inspiration, with guest judges Patti LaBelle and Emeril. Time for a lot of crying over grandparents, and some amazing-looking Korean braised short ribs from Beverly. Hungry.

Winner: Sarah for her sausage-stuffed cabbage rolls.

Bye-bye: Heather for over-cooked meat. Ha, bitch - Beverly beat you! It's a sad day when I'm actually siding with Beverly....

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

2011-12-28T11:47:00.002-05:00

I went into The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo knowing generally what it was about, but not having read the books (duh - requires effort). I also decided not to watch the Swedish movies in advance, because I'm an American, goddammit. I'll get to watching the original version of this first one eventually, for comparison's sake.

This is a great movie. And for something billed as "The Feel Bad Movie of Christmas" I didn't find it all that dark and depressing. But I'm a sick puppy. If anything - and this is probably a hella un-PC thing to say - I thought Lisbeth Salander was a kickass action hero!! After watching the movie, I just wanted to yell at guys and kick their asses. Is that wrong? Even the way it was shot, I thought she was sometimes framed as a superhero. Like one shot in particular where an elevator door closes and she has her hoodie up. I don't know, that's just the vibe I got. She should join the Avengers.

Anyway, you've got a 100% David Fincher movie - dark, very cool and stylized - with a perfect Trent Reznor score. Loved it. Really loved it.

But one nagging question -- Why is my man Joel Kinnaman (Holder from The Killing) in it for 4.5 seconds and with one glorified-extra line? I guess every Swedish actor was obligated to appear in this movie. That was hella disappointing. Can I assume he has more to do in the sequels? Let's hope!

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

2011-12-17T16:50:00.001-05:00

Full disclosure (a/k/a: obvious statement of the year): I hate Tom Cruise as much as I love Jeremy Renner. I generally avoid Cruise movies, except the action/blockbuster ones. I'll admit he makes a decent action movie, I just don't want to see him trying to act or in a romantic comedy. Shut up and run from explosions, dick. In the case of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, I likely would have seen it, Renner notwithstanding. I mean, I've seen the rest of the M:I movies, I love Paula Patton because she's gorgeous AND looks like she can kick some ass, and Simon Pegg is always a joy to behold. But so is Jeremy Renner, in all his IMAX glory. And so this movie had to be seen - and just in time for an early birthday present!

First of all, if you're wondering, this movie is totally worth seeing in IMAX. And I don't mean the "IMAX" you get at some mall movie theater - I mean the real thing, mostly found in science museums. (I'm lucky enough to have one in Fort Lauderdale.) There are enough scenes in this movie that are shot in IMAX to make it worth the price of admission. It's worth it for the Dubai/Burj Khalifa scenes alone. I hate heights almost as much as I hate Tom Cruise, but watching him dangle from the world's tallest building was so-nausea-inducing-it's-awesome.

I'm not going to pretend the plot - or the dialogue - here is groundbreaking. I'd venture to say it made its way into soap-opera territory on an occasion or two. But if you like chases and spying and high-tech, never-in-a-million-years-is-that-possible gadgets, you'll love it.

Director Brad Bird is sure to go on and make 100 epically kickass action films. Up til now, he's made animation, like The Incredibles and Ratatouille. He takes that animation spirit - including the crazy, over-the-top action - and does the same, only this time with real people. And somehow it works. I mean, it's crazy, most of the stuff that's done in this movie, but A) no crazier than loads of other action films, including the others in this franchise and B) it's fun to watch. So who the hell cares. Ethan Hunt and his team are Superman and James Bond rolled into one. Just go with it.

Seeing it in IMAX also meant seeing the sneak preview of The Dark Knight Rises beforehand. I had been warned in advance that Bane was hard to understand, and I'm glad I was. Because knowing that made me pay extra attention. Not to say that I caught everything - and I know for sure I missed whatever the quippy, tagline thing was supposed to be - but it wasn't awful. They need to fix that stuff with looping - here's hoping they do. Then again, these are the filmmakers who thought it was OK to have Batman growl in a weird voice, so maybe they like having an unintelligible Bane.

The airplane sequence they showed in the preview was amazing - and also great to see in IMAX - but otherwise, I didn't get a lot out of the preview. It'll be awesome, I'm sure of it. I don't need to see a scene to reassure me of that. Oh - one thing that was cool was that Aidan Gillen was in the preview. He was awesome in The Wire and Game of Thrones, and it reminded me of how William Fichtner was in the IMAX preview we saw for The Dark Knight. A kickass character actor in a little part generally means the movie is going to be awesome.

Top Chef: Texas

2011-12-08T19:37:00.001-05:00

Quickfire Challenge: Each of the chefs has to create a dish that uses a randomly-assigned sauce. No one had gravy. I call shenanigans. Grayson, my girlfriend, wins. And she should have - she used to be a saucier.

Elimination Challenge: Work as a team to create a 4-course steak dinner for 200 guests. Ty-Lör bleeds all over his steaks, gets 4 stitches, and has an awful, fakely-spelled name. Guarantee it's not on his birth certificate like that.

Shocker: these idiots can't cook and serve the meat properly and mostly everything else is a big mess too. I want Beverly and Heather to stay on this show forever because Heather hates Beverly as much as I do, and calls her on everything. I love it.

Winner: Heather for the cake. The cake recipe she has used before -- and stolen from Chinese Kentucky Ed.

Bye-Bye: Whitney, for botching a potato gratin I could have made in my sleep. Dumbass. It seemed like Tom was ready to send Whitney, Ed, and Ty-Lör home. He probably should have.

Top Chef: Texas

2011-12-01T19:16:00.001-05:00

On the show's drive to Dallas, they're pulled over by State Troopers... and here comes your Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using ingredients from an emergency-survival kit. They have to cook in the middle of a field, and there's not much in the way of utensils and only little camping stoves. Lindsay wins with her "soup and sandwich" - using Vienna Sausages and a "club sandwich" made with Saltines instead of bread.

Elimination Challenge: Create a course for a progressive dinner party, some douchey thing that neighbors who like each other do - move from house to house eating a different course in each one. The houses are crazy-big and the husbands are all ugly as hell, so clearly they have money and these are their high-maintenance trophy wives. Ick. I'm not trying to watch The Real Housewives of Dallas here, goddammit.

A lot of the appetizers look great -- except for Chris's nasty thing that's supposed to look like a burning cigar. Stop trying to be cute about it. I want the artichokes and the Brussels sprouts like mad.

The entrees are all pretty standard and boring. Now it's time for the desserts, which are always death on this show. Blonde Chris serves mint chocolate chip ice cream with a strawberry/banana cupcake? Really!? A couple desserts make it in the Top Four, along with my artichokes and Brussels sprouts.

Winner: Paul for those amazing Brussels sprouts. I'm hungry.

Bye-bye: Chuy for some overcooked salmon. Now that's some BS!! I love him and either of the Chrises and their nastiness needed to go!

Revelation of the Day: Blonde Chris used to be a fat douche. Now he's just a douche.

Top Chef: Texas

2011-11-27T17:47:00.001-05:00

Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish highlighting a chili pepper. The hotter the pepper you choose, the more money you could win. But you could also burn your judges' tongues off. The Asian dude goes for the hottest pepper and wins $20,000 for it.

Elimination Challenge: It's a Chili Cookoff, bitches! It's a team challenge -- and they can cook all night at their house. Cooking at the house means fighting over cooking surfaces and pans. It also means some people get to kick it in the pool while their meat braises.

There's a lot of good-looking, different chilis - one with corn/avocado salsa, one made with braised brisket and short ribs.

Winners: Chuy, Sarah, and Chris.

Losers: Beverly, Nyesha, and Richie. They get the opportunity to - individually - turn that chili around and make it into something good in 30 minutes. Tragically, Beverly is successful.

Bye-bye: Richie. Awww, how sad. I liked him. But he has awful facial hair. So it's not a total loss.

Fringe

2011-11-18T21:25:00.001-05:00

Freak of the Week: Man is attacked by an invisible force that turns him into an albino. A dead albino. This invisible man uses his victims' pigment to become visible, then fades to invisible again. I'm thinking that if he wants to make it more permanent, he should be killing a few black people. Even just Broyles might do it. Just sayin'.

Olivia's getting migraines and is on some kind of medication. She and Lincoln engage in some late-night-diner bonding. Meanwhile, Broyles has assigned a bodyguard/nanny to Peter - and Peter gets to live in his old house and gets a $200/week allowance! Peter's working on his machine so he can get his sweet ass back to where it belongs. He wants his Olivia back.

As a child, the invisible guy was a subject of genetic testing (done by a subsidiary of Massive Dynamic) that essentially turned him into a giant chameleon. Walter does some experiments and makes himself an invisible mouse, determining that it's visible under ultraviolet light. They hunt the dude down and he dies - that's pretty much the long and short of his story. It was about an invisible guy who just wanted to be seen.

In related news, Olivia thinks her childhood drug trials led to her having stunted emotions. She thinks it's weird that Fringe-y things don't bother her like they probably should.

Olivia is prepping for a 3 AM date with Lincoln when a gas fills her apartment, knocking her out. Men enter and do some kind of procedure (taking something, injecting her with something, I'm not sure)... and Nina is with them. Nina's bad!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He eats onion rings during a remote autopsy. Double dipped in beer batter, I think he said. Mmmm.

This Week's Code: DAVID. Who the eff is David!?

The show doesn't come back until mid-January some time, but when it does, it's time for Peter to cross over to the Other Universe to look for some answers. The return of Alternate Lincoln Lee!! YES!

Top Chef: Texas Times Two

2011-11-17T19:15:00.001-05:00

We resume the Qualifying Challenge with Group 3, which includes a chef from Sra. Martinez, one of my favorite restaurants. The chefs choose a plate that has one (very tame) ingredient and one hidden (and likely gross) ingredient. But the hidden ingredient isn't an ingredient at all - it's a timer. They have to execute what they've chosen within their allotted time which, of course, isn't as long as they wanted.

Making it to the competition from this group: Cute Asian Dude, Blonde Pixie, and Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick.

Now it's time for the 500th Qualifying Challenge of a competition that hasn't even officially started yet. The "on the bubble" people get to cook whatever the hell they want. There's a lot of seafood in that joint.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Only Asian Guy In Kentucky and The Plus-Sized Model I'm In Love With.

Time for the next episode.

Quickfire Challenge: Rattlesnake. Oh good lord. The Aging Goth Chick (Dakota) wins. I like her.

Elimination Challenge: In 2 teams, the chefs cook for a Quinceañera. The girl is a surprisingly good little food critic.

You know who's going to be the death of me? The Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick. She's like Reese Witherspoon from Election. On cocaine. She mentions wanting to prove to her father that a daughter can do just as much as a son. Daddy issues much? And she literally went up to the meat department in Whole Foods and was all, "Excuse me, I have the most important dish here, I need assistance." And she wasn't kidding! She's going to be annoying as hell, but you know what's going to be awesome? When she gets smacked back down and loses. That'll be priceless.

The Former Prisoner made the dreaded mistake of buying frozen, pre-cooked shrimp from the store. Hello - cook your own shrimp, dummy! It doesn't take that long!

Bye-bye: Keith, the former prisoner. Well, that's not a shock. Though I was hoping they'd keep him around just to be contentious with the other chefs. Now there's not as much chance of a shivving. And that's disappointing.

Fringe

2011-11-14T20:16:00.001-05:00

Freak of the Week: Weird time displacements. Like, in the blink of an eye a child goes from a 5-year-old to a baby, or a train appears and disappears. Similar in appearance to the Universes colliding and overlapping, but with time.

Olivia thinks Peter is involved somehow - he's the ultimate Fringe Event. Poor Peter - Olivia is cold as ice toward him and Walter wants nothing to do with him. Walter begrudgingly conducts tests on Peter, but calls him "it". The whole situation is sad as hell.

Peter experiences time jumps as well, jumping from the lab to a crime scene to the car and then back to the crime scene, rinse, repeat. I like time displacements -- they're fun! Not fun for the guy who's causing them though -- a guy who has created a time machine of sorts to give him his Alzheimer's-stricken wife back for 47 minutes at a time.

They track the source of the displacements to the guy's house and Walter builds a device back at the lab so they can get in. Some of the parts he needs are in his Spider-Man fanny pack. Of course they are. I love you, Walter.

Peter dons the kind of device you can only have (and readily accept) on Fringe and saves the day. In the end, Peter moves into the house that he and Walter shared in the timeline we know, and Peter tells Broyles he thinks he's in the wrong timeline.

So now our mission: get Peter back to the REAL timeline. And get there fast, bb!!!! I like how it has gone from alternative universes to alternate timelines. But we haven't seen Earth Two in a while. I miss that Lincoln and Olivia!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He makes a bologna sandwich and offers one to Olivia, but not to Peter. I don't like this version of Fringe where everyone's a dick to Peter! Poor Peter! Can't we all just get along?

This Week's Code: LIVING

Happy Anniversary

2011-11-06T16:29:00.001-05:00

Nearly 3 years ago, I wrote this post about hating Phil Simms. It was simple, yet powerful. It continues to get comments randomly, including today. God bless all the Phil Simms haters out there. It's as true today as it ever was. (It also features some mighty fine artwork.)

Fringe

2011-11-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

Eff you, baseball, for taking away Fringe last week, along with found-in-a-lake-naked Pacey.

So we've got Peter being held at the FBI Building because no one knows him, but he seems to know everyone. And also I guess because he was found in a lake naked. He'll only talk to Walter, and medical tests show that he could indeed be Walter's son. Walter figures it must be a third-universe version of Peter. Peter's just trying to figure out where he belongs and why.

Meanwhile, the transparent Asian shapeshifter is on the hunt for a former Massive Dynamic scientist who worked on cellular replication. And we find out that Olivia and her sister were essentially raised by Nina after their father died.

Peter gets in on the shapeshifter-hunting since he has experience hacking their memory disks. Apparently these new shapeshifters can change their DNA to become totally indistinguishable from the real people - you'd never know they were copies until you saw their memory disks. And Peter was able to track the Asian chick down via her LoJack system. But she eventually gets away. Not entirely sure what the whole main plot of this episode is, but it looks like Olivia has taken an interest in Lincoln, and I fully support that. Also, Olivia had this weird moment at the end where she essentially replayed a moment. An agent handed her a file, she put it down, and then the same agent handed her the same file. Seemed like an odd bend in time that really isn't that odd for this show.

And in the end, we get a reallllly sweet moment between Walter and Peter. Awwwww, my boys are back together... even if it was only for a moment. It ended with Walter saying Peter wasn't his son, that he was there to tempt him.

The Asian shapeshifter tries the serum the scientist made, which I guess stabilizes their appearance. She gets out an even-more-kickass-than-the-old-one Other-Universe Typewriter Communicator, and types in that the serum works. The response? "We're sending the others."

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He's whipping up custard (Peter's favorite dessert) in the lab.

This Week's Code: STILL.

Top Chef: Texas

2011-11-04T20:36:00.002-04:00

They're starting out with like 29 contestants, so this is the episode where it gets narrowed down to 16. I automatically want the dude who looks like he just got out of prison - massive neck tattoo and all. He might shiv someone this season. Most of these chicks look like the kind of girl who would help Buffalo Bill get a sofa in his van. Woudja?

Qualifying Challenge: They are divided into 3 groups.

1. Prepare a dish using an assigned cut of a pig. The vegan chef is in this group. Mmmmm. Pig. Tom kicks out one contestant mid-cook because he's bad at butchering. The vegan dummy can't pour soup without spilling it all over the plates. AHAHAHA bye, dummy.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Dude Whose Eyes Are Barely Open, a couple Buffalo Bill Victims, The Black Chick, Awful Mohawk and Facial Hair Guy. My prison inmate doesn't make it! Oh shit, someone's dead now.

2. Prepare a dish using the same ingredient. And the ingredient they choose: rabbit. In their defense, there was a lot of nasty stuff to choose from.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Plain Girl, The Big Black Guy Who Actually WAS a Prisoner (I like him), Aging Goth Chick, Creepy Tall Bald Guy, GQ Boy, and The Little Mexican Abed.

There are some people on the bubble who need to prove themselves further, including The Chinese Guy From Kentucky. Aaaaaand the show abruptly ends. Weird. So we get Group 3 and the "On the Bubble" people next week? Just cut to the chase already!

21 Jump Street

2011-11-02T20:08:00.003-04:00

I probably don't want to admit how many times I laughed at the new red band trailer for 21 Jump Street. So I won't.

In Time

2011-10-30T13:52:00.001-04:00

Even though it's getting mediocre reviews, I wanted to see In Time because the premise intrigued me. It's pretty original - or as original as a movie that rips off Bonnie and Clyde and Robin Hood can be. I think it's really well done for a high-concept sci-fi movie -- they successfully sell you on the concept and the world seems real.

It's a world where time is money, literally. Everyone lives to 25, and then you only get a year longer -- it's up to you to earn or steal the time to continue. "Rich" people are essentially immortal and "poor" people die young. I love this concept and thought it was well-executed. It's a nice allegory for the class system we have now - different neighborhoods are called "time zones", and they range from a ghetto of hard-working people to the luxurious lifestyles of people who are either born into time or have somehow acquired it. And then the main question asked is, What happens if the time gets redistributed?

The dialogue in this movie is pretty crappy and it's not like the plot's all that unexpected. Actually, at one point, the heroes survive a car crash so horrific - completely unscathed - that it make me want to punch the screen. But the whole time-as-currency concept seemed original to me and was cool. Plus all the actors are young and hot. So WIN.

Project Runway: Finale

2011-10-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

My love for Project Runway has clearly waned when the finale has passed and I have yet to watch either part of it. I've been able to avoid spoilers, mostly by blowing quickly past the TV-related Google Reader bits.

Kimberly's inspiration is Brooklyn - old-school ghetto Brooklyn, not new hipster douchebag Brooklyn.

Tim visits Anya in Trinidad, and wears a full suit whilst boating. Of course. Her inspiration is Tobago and the sea. She has her fabrics picked out, but nothing resembling actual clothing. Alrighty then.

Viktor, on the other hand, has been working his ass off. His inspiration is Mexico and his brother's death. So it'll be fun, then. Viktor has an adorably whitebread boyfriend.

Last stop: Joshua. He's got crazy fabrics and patterns, natch. It's an awful 80's freakshow. Picture every color imaginable in the brightest shade possible. Oy, I knew he'd bring the tacky. Tim says it makes him want to weep.

Challenge: Present a 3-look preview of your collection. Viktor's stuff was fabulous, Anya's was Anya and very very gold, Kimberly's pink skirt was godawful, and Joshua's was Joshua, starting with those hot pink pants. I guess I'd kick him out, though again - I'd love for him to stick around just for the tackiness. The judges hammer Anya for her construction and some of her accessorizing; they don't love Kimberly's stuff either. I didn't realize that Viktor designed his own prints - that makes his stuff even better! The judges just want him to edit somewhat - they love his crazy jacket, just pair it with something simple, not a dress that's gorgeous on its own. Joshua's needed more editing too, but the judges were largely OK with it. Damn, maybe it'll be one of these girls that doesn't make it!

Bye-bye: No one. Well that was a giant waste of time, show. Can I get those 90 minutes of my life back?

Final "Gift": They get $500 worth of whatever they want from Mood to edit their collection. Anya buys a bunch of new black and white prints to design 3 totally new looks. Joshua gets more bright green and makes something that looks like bicycle shorts. Oy. Joshua has a wonderful exhausted breakdown.

Final Runway: First up is Kimberly and her stuff looks great. I love the flowy dress, as well as her final dress and the white pants outfit. Joshua brings the color. I loved the one striped tank over pants with a jacket - that was different for him and lovely. Those shorts, though? VOMIT. I didn't like his collection at all, but the judges creamed themselves over it. Maybe in comparison to some stuff he's done, but no. Just no. Next up is Viktor, who has made a lot of changes, including adding too much new sheer stuff. Viktor's frst look is outstanding - the dress with the wonderful print on the front. And his white jacket looks so much better paired over some leather pants and a simple black shirt. Yay Viktor! Anya's collection is so different from the others - very Caribbean, very flowy, very Anya - that it almost has to win just because it's unique. She really changed things up, and did her customary last-minute miracle turnaround.

First out is Kimberly. Viktor's out next. Now that's some Grade A bullshit -- clearly Anya's winning because I still think Joshua was the worst! These judges are just dummies.

Winner: Anya. She really did pull it out in the end, like she did most of the season. And I'd say her stuff is the most wearable and sell-able too; I can see it on the red carpets. But Viktor will always have my heart.

TV Is Kind Of Ruined For Me Now

2011-10-25T19:07:00.001-04:00

It's funny how quickly Breaking Bad can turn you off from the rest of television. Those characters, those stories, and that writing is unreal, and I'll never find anything like it. I miss it already and I'm going through withdrawals. I'm hoping that the return of Justified and Mad Men in the new year will help, but until then it's looking like slim pickings.

I've been watching Person of Interest, but it sucks so badly. Picture Jack Bauer with no personality and the most ham-fisted dialogue ever. It's really awful, but I keep watching it to make fun of it. Same with Terra Nova. Ugh. Those characters are laaaaame.

At least things are marginally better over at The Walking Dead. I really want to love a show that features zombies, but when the living people are too stupid to root for, you end up hoping the zombies win. The storytelling on that show has been atrocious since mid-season last season, but I'll keep watching because every so often they kill someone off in a cool way. And also there are zombies. Looks like I'll be watching for a while more....

"Today we are pleased to announce that the ‘dead’ shall live as we proudly renew ‘The Walking Dead’ for a third season on AMC and, globally, with our terrific partners at Fox International Channels," said Charlie Collier, AMC’s President. “We are thankful for everyone’s contribution in front of and behind the camera as we continue to make ‘The Walking Dead’ a unique television experience. And, we are so proud as it continues to set viewership records around the world.”

Project Runway

2011-10-18T19:59:00.000-04:00

Challenge: Design 3 looks inspired by something on Governors Island. And the looks have to be different - so not 3 flowy dresses, ANYA! (LOL at Viktor's comment - "Does she even know how to make a sleeve?") They get a pool of assistants to choose from. The pairs are: Kimberly and Becky, Viktor and Olivier, Laura and Anthony Ryan, Anya and Bert, and Joshua and Bryce.

Bryce helps Joshua edit, which can only be a good thing. Joshua is bitchy as hell, especially toward Anya. But mostly, the contestants are all emo about this being SO CLOSE to the end.

Guest Judge: Zoe Saldana. She's seriously the most gorgeous person ever. Love her.

Joshua's skirt was a nightmare, but his other 2 looks were decent, if not boring. I loved Kimberly's coat and the dress was super cute. Anya's black dress - gorgeous. Anya's red tunic/pants - gorgeous. She has amazing taste and I love her. Viktor's looks are all amazing. He's gotta win this thing, right? The judges seem to think he's too commercial. Boo hiss. Everybody's decent, but I think Laura (or Kimberly, if it has to be someone else) should go based on this week alone.

Bye-bye: Laura. OK, good, that's totally how it should have gone.

Finale: Anya, Viktor, Joshua, and Kimberly. I like that Joshua is going because he'll be the total wild card. Meaning his stuff will likely be fugly, and every runway could use some fugly.

The Ides of March

2011-10-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

If you don't love George Clooney and Ryan Gosling, there is something wrong with you.

The Ides of March is very much your typical political thriller with a very cliche story. But when you've got Clooney and Gosling, you don't care about the cliches.

I'd vote for George Clooney for President. And really it's more Gosling's movie than his - that kid's going places. Check it out for a matinee or once it's on TV - definitely worth a watch, but it's not groundbreaking or anything.

Fringe

2011-10-14T22:20:00.001-04:00

Olivia wakes up to a giant blue ball of energy in her bedroom. The ball attracts metallic objects and causes about a minute-long time distortion. It also appears later and traps her in the bathroom for a little. Walter theorizes that it's a former fellow Cortexifan Kid (who could do astral projection) reaching out to Olivia and sends her to Massive Dynamic to identify the kid.

In this timeline, Walter hates Nina's guts - it's hysterical. And Nina and Olivia have some kind of connection - Nina makes some joke about Olivia's prom date. What is she - her goddamn stepmother?

Walter heads out of the lab for the first time in 3 years to help Olivia track the guy down. They are absolutely adorable together, especially after Walter trashes his hotel room in a fit of germ-paranoia -- they go get root beer floats. That damn energy ball keeps appearing; it even appears after they track down the Cortexifan Kid, and he's not the one doing it.

Olivia helps Walter calm down and focus and solve their problem. None of it makes sense, but he takes the Cortexifan Kid to a power station so that they can - I don't know - make a bigger ball of energy and destroy the other one? Sure.

During this final confrontation, the ball of energy vaguely takes the form of Peter. Olivia sees this, stops the Cortexifan Kid from destroying him, and the energy ball disappears. Cut to the lake Peter drowned in as a child, where Our Peter suddenly rises to the surface. He looks naked too. Awesome.

Broyles calls Olivia to tell her that someone was pulled out of the lake and knows all kinds of classified information, and knows the Fringe team. Oh snap - Peter's going to remember everything and everyone but they're not? OK - that's interesting!!!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: I caught Walter eating Pop Tarts in the lab. Mmmmm strawberry flavored death.

This Week's Code: RESET

This is another odd episode. It's really just resetting things to bring Peter back. The story with the Cortexifan Kid seems unnecessary and doesn't make a lot of sense. But it has those really nice character moments they've been having lately, like with Walter and Olivia. I still love this, but I'm suffering from Breaking Bad withdrawal - once you've had that show, everything else looks like crap. It's tainting things. Heh. Taint.

Project Runway

2011-10-11T20:07:00.002-04:00

Challenge: Create a high-fashion look inspired by an exotic bird. Yawn. It's a Collier Strong challenge, and that burn victim is looking worse than ever!

It's a random pair challenge too: Anya and Laura (Raven), Joshua and Bert (Amazon Parrot), and Viktor and Kimberly (Cockatoo).

And, if those weren't enough twists, it's also a head-to-head challenge where the couples are just judged against each other. And the overall winner gets $20,000 and a L'Oreal advertorial.

Oh guess what - it's still not enough twists. They have to design a second high-fashion look. Seriously - enough with the elements.

Joshua wisely decides to scrap this fugly green and yellow dress he makes, but he unwisely decides to wear a chest-baring shirt.

Kimberly has a rough time - she's moving too slowly, she sews through her finger, there are random grease stains on her fabric. Cue the obligatory breakdown, as Kimberly recounts all the dead people in her life. Tim even hugs the poor depressed girl during her session with him - that's what Tim is there for, y'all! But the world continues to crap on Kimberly - she ruins one of her looks by throwing it onto a hot glue gun that burns a hole through it. Time to make a new look in 3 hours!

TWIST NUMBER FOUR HUNDRED AND FIVE: They only get to show 1 look on the runway. So now they have to murder one of their children, essentially. Project Runway's version of Sophie's Choice -- finally a twist I like. Kimberly sends down her "3-hour gown".

Kimberly's quickie dress is good, but I still like Viktor's better. The judges don't. They stink. Bert's is dull and I love Joshua's amazingly-tasteful orange dress. Seriously - Joshua + Parrot could have been a disaster. Anya's look is all-black and so unlike anything she's ever done -- and it's still fabulous. Laura's pants and jacket are decent enough but boring. The judges side with me on those 2.

Winner: Anya. Well, duh. It was amazing and so different for her. Too bad her models can't get in and out of her dresses without assistance.

Bye-bye: Bert. Well, duh. I had his name typed in before they even announced the winner. You overstayed your welcome, Debbie Downer.

Avengers Assemble!

2011-10-11T10:36:00.001-04:00

NERDGASM! Check out the first official teaser trailer for The Avengers! Can't wait! Hawkeye is my comic book movie boyfriend! Also, every trailer should feature a Nine Inch Nails song. Every trailer.

Breaking Bad

2011-10-09T23:18:00.000-04:00

So here we are - Breaking Bad season finale time. And I'm a big bundle of nerves!!! This recap is likely to be a big jumble of CAPSLOCKOMG!

Walter runs to Gus's car to retrieve his bomb. He puts it in his diaper bag (LOL! Love this show!) and meets with Jesse in the hospital. The magnetic bomb gets stuck on the elevator door. El. Oh. El. The guys try to think about where they can plant the bomb. Then the ABQ police show up. OH GOD! They're following up on the whole ricin thing. You can't really drop that word and expect to get away with it....

Jesse uses the House/Discovery Channel defense - he just saw something about ricin and thought that could be it. I knew he was going to drop the Discovery Channel! Jesse loves him some cable television. Better call Saul.

Walter wants to see Saul too, and drops by the office, by which I mean breaks in the office. Saul's secretary won't give up his location unless Walter pays her $25,000. "I'll be right back," he says, as he slips on the broken glass and whacks his head on the door. Bryan Cranston: the king of physical comedy.

Walter goes home to retrieve his money, but first calls his neighbor and asks her to check on something in his house -- so she can be the first one to walk through the door in case it's booby-trapped, Home Alone-style. Oh, Walter, you asshole. A couple guys do come out of his backyard area, but his neighbor survives, and so Walter breaks into his own house and gets some crawlspace cash. The 2 guys come into the house - who the hell are they? - but Walter gets out in time.

Line of Night from Saul, to Jesse: "If I ever get anal polyps, I know what to name them." Saul meets with Walter and tells him that Jesse told him about Gus visiting Hector in the old folks' home. Genius -- Walter can get that damn bell ringer to go along with his plan -- ring a bell and Gus is dead. Walter visits Hector and offers him an opportunity for revenge. OH SNAP!

Hector rings his bell to let the nurse know -- "NEED DEA".

Hank continues to analyze the laundry pictures Gomey took. Gomey comes to get Hank because Hector will only talk to Hank. You know what this show is? A massive chess game. Just got to get all of the players in the right spot. Hank comes down to the office and meets with Hector (along with everyone else in the office). Waiting for Hector to spell out words is painful. He spells out "SUCK MY" and then "FUC". Love that scary old bastard. OK - so this was a distraction or something. As Hector is loaded back onto his van, Tyrus is watching -- so now Gus will have to pay Hector a visit to see what's up!

Jesse is finally released from interrogation -- the tests on Brock came back negative for ricin. OK, so that's good, only Jesse's ricin cigarette is still missing. On his way out of the hospital, Jesse is tased and put in a minivan by Gus's guys.

Back to the nursing home! Tyrus comes into Hector's room and sweeps it for bugs. Gus takes his usual calm, kickass walk inside. OH CHRIST this show gives me indigestion. Gus has a syringe ready for Hector because he's been talking to the DEA. Hector finally looks Gus in the eye and then rings his bell repeatedly. Even though I knew the explosion was coming, I screamed. And then screamed again when Gus walks out of the room, seemingly unscathed. But he's not -- he's like goddamn Two Face and half his face is blown off. He straightens his tie aaaand now he's dead. R.I.P. Gus. That earns an Instant Rewind. You know Gus had to go out like that!!!!!!!!!! Like a champ!!

Now I'm just freaking out. There's still time left. Ricin: missing. Jesse: kidnapped. Mike: still in Mexico. Those 2 guys: were in the Whites' house.

Now we're in the Super Lab and Jesse is cooking under the supervision of the guys that tased him. OK, good -- they only kidnapped him to cook meth, not to do anything bad. :) Walter comes in, blows the 2 dudes away, and tells Jesse that Gus is dead and they have work to do. Time to blow up the Super Lab! This is nearly as sad as when the RV got crushed. (Seriously, R.I.P. RV.) Badass.

So Brock wasn't poisoned by ricin, he likely ingested Lily of the Valley. Now it's my turn to freak out, because I'm pretty sure that Walter is to blame -- when he was spinning his gun last week, it ended up pointing at a flowered plant. Jesse: "But Gus still had to go right?" Walter: "Damn right." My boys shake hands and part ways. Walter calls Skyler and tells her he won.

We end with a shot of the Whites' pool area -- and the Lily of the Valley. So that asshole really did poison that kid -- he did it (knowing the kid would survive, I hope) so that Jesse would suspect Gus so that Jesse would help Walter get rid of Gus. Walter beat Gus at this chess match.

Loved the ending. Everything is set up for a blank slate next season. And I can't wait.

Real Steel

2011-10-09T13:04:00.003-04:00

I screwed up the pancakes. I screwed up the pancakes this morning and made a mess of the kitchen, and my punishment was to see Real Steel. This will be every 8-to-12-year-old boy's favorite movie. This and that movie where Adam Sandler plays a guy and a girl. (I can't even bring myself to watch that trailer.)

If you're a blissfully ignorant (read: dumb) child you'll love it, but adults are another story. I can't be the only cynical adult who watches movies like this and thinks about how they're made. I mean, somewhere on a soundstage, Hugh Jackman was doing air punches and yelling and there was nothing around him but a crowd of extras. No pumping music in the background, no quick editing and slow-motion. Just a man, his tight tee shirt, and his air punches.

You want a movie with every cliche possible? You got it. Deadbeat dad reunited with his son: check. Precocious, over-caffeinated, wise-beyond-his-years kid: check. (In the kid's defense, the actor was perfect for this part and made the role a nice mix of goofy and sentimental. The kid's a riot and he has good chemistry with Hugh Jackman.) I bet you'd never guess that they come together in the end, that the dad learns from the kid. As an added bonus, you get boxing movie cliches too -- training montages, fight montages, counting-the-money-you're-winning montages (the movie is one big montage), slow-motion fights, screaming crowds, underdogs fighting against all odds, and proud trainers. And lots of air punches.

I could see how under the right (drunk) circumstances, one could enjoy this film. If you're on your own couch, you could air punch and shout right along. A guilty pleasure might involve watching this on HBO by yourself one day, drinking and air punching. Maybe. But if you're a conscious human being, you'll likely sit there and cringe at the whole thing. Real Steel: it's cringe-tastic!

Fringe

2011-10-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

Walter undergoes his monthly mental health evaluation, a condition of his release from the loony bin. He also continues to see/hear Peter, and Joshua Jackson continues to have the Best/Easiest Job on Television. Everybody else on this show plays 2 people, and he can't be bothered to play one. Lucky bastard. Elsewhere, Olivia is running facial recognition software on a sketch of Peter.

Freak of the Week: Two boys are killed by some kind of creeping, vine-looking virus thing (but one tragically buck-toothed boy survives) and their bodies decompose at a crazy rate. They also eventually burst and spread spores everywhere. One busts open in containment in the lab, but the other busts open at the morgue, and the team has to don hazmat suits to walk around the fungus-infested room.

Walter has some sweet bonding moments with Bucky Bucktooth. He needs his son back! We learn that in this timeline, when Walter crossed over to steal the other Peter, Peter 2 drowned in the icy lake. So no Observer intervention.

It turns out the surviving kid has some weird psychic connection to the fungus (which Walter names "Gus"). When the team tries to eradicate the fungus with UV light and flamethrowers, the kid's back at the lab, feverish and bothered by bright flashes of light. Walter has to figure out how to disconnect their link before Gus continues to spread; it's some kind of weird emotional connection and Walter figures out the key to letting the kid know he's not alone, to letting the kid let go from Gus. And just in time - because Gus started to infect Lincoln!

Once Bucky is gone, Walter settles in for a little self-lobotomy. What - LSD isn't good enough? Olivia comes in before he hammers the long needle into his brain (though it's still inserted into his eye - ICK!). Walter's worried that he's going insane and will be sent back to the asylum. Olivia shows him her sketch of Peter and says she's been seeing him in her dreams for 3 weeks.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He makes milkshakes for himself and the kid -- which they enjoy whilst wearing tinfoil hats, of course. He also craves a grape Popsicle after putting the kid in an ice bath.

This Week's Code: REBORN.

I miss my old team. I want them all together and I want my old timeline back!!! I still love the show because it's got all my favorite characters, but it still feels incomplete. Be reborn already, Pacey!

Breaking Bad

2011-10-02T23:25:00.004-04:00

So do we think the cancer will be back before the season ends next week? Walt's been coughing a lot lately; I really noticed it when rewatching last week's episode. It's been quiet on the cancer front for far too long.... Something tells me it'll come back as a central player next season.

The DEA pulls up to the White residence to pick them up for protective custody at Hank and Marie's -- Marie is freaking out and wants them all there with Hank. Walter refuses to go because he tells Skyler he's the target and they won't be safe with him there. He says his goodbyes to her and Holly, saying he has to face the consequences; he's dodged death long enough.

Walter sits poolside with a gun.

Hank thinks it's weird that the threat against him comes on the heels of his investigation of Gus. He convinces Gomez to go to the laundry and investigate. Gomez sweet-talks his way into the laundry facility to look around with a camera and a drug-sniffing dog. Crap. I'm freaking out the whole time -- I do NOT want them caught! And that's even before I see that Jesse's down there cooking. Shit. Gus calls down to let Jesse know what's going on, and that it's all Walter's fault. Still, Jesse won't accept Gus killing Walter. Good boy. Gus tells him there will be an "appropriate response." Only Gus could make those words sound scary as hell.

Gomez leaves with nothing but photos. Back to cooking. The operation is so paranoid at this point that Jesse doesn't park there - he parks out in the middle of nowhere and is transported to/from the laundry by a laundry truck. (Walter was transported in dirty laundry last week.) Jesse calls Walter but he doesn't pick up; then he checks his 6 voicemails from Saul.

Saul is packing up his office (by which I mean "shredding") and gives Jesse his money, plus mentions that Gus threatened to kill Walter's family. Jesse doesn't deal well with kids being threatened. Which leads to our next dilemma....

Jesse gets a call from his GF that her son is in the hospital. Suddenly I realize that Gus might have a different "appropriate response" in mind -- one that hits Jesse close to home. And you know what? That's not going to sit well with Jesse. But then when Jesse goes outside to smoke - he realizes his ricin cigarette is missing!!!!! Brock must have come into contact with it! Jesse would never forgive himself if Brock died because of that!! He runs back into the hospital to tell Andrea to let the doctors know that it's ricin, and then he heads to Walter's house. Walter's all paranoid and skittish. Jesse picks up the gun and aims it at Walt. I gasp. Jesse thinks Walter poisoned Brock!! He says there's no way Brock could have gotten it himself. But then there's no way Walter could have done it! OMG was it Gus!? He knew about the ricin!? YIKES!

This scene is intense as hell and Walter starts with the hysterical laughter again. He figures Gus wanted Jesse to think Walter did it so that Jesse would kill him himself. Walter freaking dares Jesse to kill him and I! AM! DYING!!! Walter gets a gun imprint in his forehead and everything. STOP KILLING ME, SHOW!

Of course Jesse doesn't do it, and now he wants vengeance against Gus. Walter won't let Jesse do it himself and insists on helping. Time to get the band back together! Hell. Yes. The next day, Jesse's still at the hospital (even though Andrea won't let him in to see Brock) and refuses to go into work. And Walter's in his kitchen cooking up something good!! It's a bomb!!!!!!!!! Yeah Science!!

Gus comes to the hospital to see Jesse. Parks his car in a garage. IS THAT BOMB READY YET!? At first Gus wants Jesse back to work immediately, but then Jesse tells Gus that he knows Brock was poisoned. Gus tells him they'll just dump the current, ruined batch and Jesse can return to work next week. He gives Jesse a reassuring pat on the back. It's the opposite of reassuring.

As Gus returns to his car, we see Walter spying from next door. Gus stops before reaching the car, clearly suspicious about something. Jesus Christ, they are prolonging this forever and I both hate them and love them for it!!!!!!! Can I use more exclamation points tonight!? Gus finally turns around and walks away from the car. Walter's bitter as hell, clearly exhausted and out of options. The end. CHRIST!!!

Only one more -- sadnessssssssss!!!

Please Make This Happen

2011-10-02T19:23:00.002-04:00

On Sunday afternoon, Mitchell Hurwitz tossed a few more crumbs to the Arrested Development faithful at a New Yorker Festival event that reunited him with the show’s ensemble cast, telling the audience that a movie was still in the works, along with a new set of television episodes that would serve as a prelude to the film.
Asked by the event’s moderator, Nancy Franklin, for an update on the movie, Mr. Hurwitz said, “We’re 80 percent of the way to an answer,” which was understandably greeted by some laughter.Mr. Hurwitz went on to say that he and Ron Howard, the director and producer who was the Arrested Development narrator, “had been talking about this for ages and trying to get this going.”Mr. Hurwitz continued: “We don’t completely own the property, there are business people involved and studios and that kind of thing. Just creatively, I have been working on the screenplay for a long time and found that as time went by, there was so much more to the story. In fact, where everyone’s been for five years became a big part of the story. So in working on the screenplay, I found even if I just gave five minutes per character to that back story, we were halfway through the movie before the characters got together.”
So, Mr. Hurwitz said: “We’re trying to do a limited-run series into the movie.” After a wave of excited applause died down, he continued: “We’re basically hoping to do 9 or 10 episodes, with almost one character per episode.”

This is amazing. Please be on AMC or FX or somewhere where you can get away with stuff!!

source

Project Runway

2011-10-02T12:18:00.000-04:00

I knew going in that someone really talented got booted, and that Tim Gunn was upset by it, so I'm guessing Bert and Joshua are safe....

Challenge: Design for the 70's-revival trend. Ugh, they just did that with the band - but now for women. And they're supposed to do sophisticated, not literal and retro. Fine - I'll allow it.

During the shopping trip to Mood, Anya loses her money envelope. Jesus - there are cameras everywhere - no one saw anything? That's the biggest dagger on earth -- and if she goes home because of that, it sucks. Anya is able to use whatever the designers have left over - $11.50 and whatever extra fabric they can spare - and muslin. Time to make it work, girl!

Second Part of the Challenge: Design a second, one-piece look for $50.

I hated Kimberly's separates. The jumper was really cute, but was sewn onto her model last-minute - no zipper. Anthony Ryan used some crazy-ass awful-ass prints and his looks were fugly and I thought more 60's than 70's. Nina said his girl looked like she was in a cult. Zing! (And accurate.) Bert's hot pants were gross, but the top and his second dress were adorable. Joshua's hot pink top with plaid pants made me vomit -- ugliest thing ever. Anya and Viktor were both really good. Laura's prints were really gross together; I liked her second look, but could see how it was boring.

Winner: Anya. Holy crap - and with virtually no money! She rules! Even if everything she makes is printed and flowy, it's always awesome.

Bye-bye: Anthony Ryan. OK, so that sucks because I loved him, but these looks are fugly as hell, so it's not unwarranted. Cult indeed.

50/50 and Moneyball

2011-10-02T10:53:00.003-04:00

Never let it be said that I don't have ambition. This weekend, I achieved my goal of seeing 3 movies -- and saw them in a 24-hour period.

Of all of them, 50/50 might have been my favorite. I mean, Drive is awesome, but how can you not love a feel-good cancer comedy? It's really about the friendship of these 2 guys - but without being sentimental or false. I want Seth Rogen to be my BFF. He can even help me through cancer. It's a great movie -- legitimately funny and real -- never melodramatic or schmaltzy. It's wonderful. See it.

Moneyball was enjoyable but has one small flaw -- it's about baseball. And baseball is boring. And long. And even if it's about the baseball back office, it's still about baseball. Jonah Hill is great in it -- and it's your last chance to catch Fat Jonah Hill cuz now he's all freaky-skinny. But if you find baseball boring, you can wait for the DVD.

Fringe

2011-09-30T21:51:00.044-04:00

In the Other Universe, a dude drills people in the back of the skull, kind of pulls out their memories, and makes them freeze from the inside-out. Our Universe is asked to find the killer's doppelganger (a professor/profiler who specializes in serial killers), bring him Over There, and see if he can lead them to... himself. The FBI tranquilizes the guy to transport him.

God, I love Fauxlivia's red hair and kickass pants and boots and bad attitude. Too bad she's such a bitch to My Olivia. Other Lincoln is by far superior to Our Lincoln, gun strapped to his leg and all, and he and Fauxlivia are soooo cute together. Too bad Charlie was off on his honeymoon with the Bug Lady. It's pretty amazing that these actors play 2 different yet identical people and make them look and feel so different -- too bad they'll never get Emmy love because the Emmys stink.

As Our Professor is looking through Their Killer's apartment, he sees a picture of his father. Well, that little charade didn't last long, did it? Who thought that was a good idea? The Other Universe has bad judgment. Aren't they going to have to kill him now?

Our Professor admits that he had creepy, violent tendencies as well (killed some animals in his youth), but got mentally-healthy because of a woman who took care of him as a child. He sneaks off because he knows where his doppelganger will be hiding, and tries to talk him down. Instead, The Killer drills him in the back of his skull and hooks their brains together (what else did you expect - this is Fringe) so he can pull out Our Professor's memories of the woman who helped him. The Killer ends up killing himself, and Our Professor is left without memories of the woman, or memories of the time he's been helping Fringe Division. Convenient.

Oh snap! Guess what? Other Broyles isn't dead!!!!! When Peter rewrote the timeline he's alive! YAYYYYY! The tight tee shirts are back!

Walter doesn't do much this episode, but he reenacts an 80's Memorex commercial, blasting Mozart to soothe himself and drown out Peter. This Walter is clearly even more off his rocker than ever, plus he's haunted by flashes and sounds of Peter. In his grand tradition of botching names, Walter calls Lincoln "Kennedy".

This Week's Code: LIMBUS. At first I thought I translated it wrong, but the internet is a beautiful thing. It's a Latin word meaning "edge, border," or "region on the border of Hell," and thus sometimes used in English for limbo. Nice.

Drive

2011-09-30T21:39:00.004-04:00

Drive is the perfect mix of pretentious art-house noir and violence. It's so stylized that at times I swear it could be a musical. The score is great but it builds into these extended 80's-style songs (that I've never heard before, so not sure if they are actually 80's or just sound like it) that play over the movie. It sometimes seems like a legit musical.

But really it's a semi-action/car chase/gangster movie. There are these short bursts of incredible violence that punctuate an otherwise quiet film. It's the slowest burn ever. Just sit back for the first hour and enjoy the Los Angeles setting and Ryan Gosling in kickass driving gloves with a toothpick in his mouth. Without those bursts of violence -- again, they are short as hell but all the more powerful for it -- I do believe there would be very little sound in this film.

It's great though -- there's something to be said for a movie that doesn't overdo the action. In any other movie, the chase scenes would have been long and drawn out. Instead, they accentuate a very stylish, stylized movie. There's really no way to describe it other than "bursts", so I'll use that word for the 50th time. Drive is bursting with good time fun!

Project Runway

2011-09-29T17:45:00.036-04:00

I totally slept on having last week's Project Runway to catch up on! Bad fan!

Challenge: Design looks for a scruffy, unsigned rock band (of men) to be featured in Rolling Stone. It's a team challenge with two teams of 4 so each team member designs for 1 band member -- 1. Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly, Joshua; 2. Bert, Anya, Laura, and Anthony. But even though it's a team challenge, it's not like they're sharing looks or have a leader or need to make a cohesive collection, so there aren't the same stresses that usually come with a team challenge.

The lengthy Garnier hair consultations are sooooo shoehorned in. The guys all have long hair, but let's be honest - they're all going to have the usual guys' hairstyle. No one's doing bouffants or braids. Wait - I take that back. Bert's dude got braids. Oy.

Olivier does a lot of whining about his client being fat. A lot. Everything's looking really blousy and ugly, but especially Olivier's. Oy. Instead of a runway, the band performs in each of their outfits.

The outfits are 60s/70s-looking, Halloween-costumey things; far too literal. They're largely fugly and really only Laura's and Viktor's are passable. Anya's and Kimberly's tops both crapped the bed in a big way. What a crappy challenge - design for scruffy, outdated, schlubby guys. Worst. Outfits. Ever. What really sucks is that someone's going to have to go home for this and if it's Anya or Kimberly I'll cry.

Winner: Viktor. Yay because I love him. But I thought that was waaaaay too much fringe.

Bye-Bye: Olivier. Thank GOD!! Because let's face it - he's lame and it was almost Kimberly and I would have DIED. She had the worst outfit, but she's always awesome. Outside of faux-70s menswear.

There is a God

2011-09-27T15:38:00.001-04:00

Kevin Costner has dropped out of Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming spaghetti Western-cum-period-slavery-picture Django Unchained, EW has confirmed.

Breaking Bad

2011-09-25T22:19:00.064-04:00

Oh, how re-watching last week's episode brings me so much joy!

Jesse comes speeding in to a pop-up ER in a warehouse with Gus passed out in back and Mike gut-shot in the front seat. The doctor and staff only rush to assist Gus. Jesse has to bring Mike into the OR on his own. Mike's bleeding everywhere, but Gus pays the doctor's salary, so there you go. POOR MIKE SO HELP ME GOD NOTHING CAN HAPPEN TO HIM!!!!

The doctor has a fridge fully stocked with blood for Mike, Jesse, and Gus, and knows everything about Jesse's health. Gus is all better, so he and Jesse leave; Mike has to stay behind for at least a week. So now it's time for Gus and Jesse to hike across the border together. AWESOME!!! Gus tells Jesse he can do the cook by himself now, and Jesse says that if he's going to do that, then Gus needs to let Walter walk away. Don't kill him, just pay him off and let him go. Gus says that won't work.

Walt's cooking under the supervision of Gus's man, wondering where everyone else is. Hank takes him out to spy on the chicken farm and mentions that he's heard rumors of a major cartel massacre in Mexico.

Ted's still being a major douche and refusing to pay the IRS. Skyler had used the Walter-gambling story to explain the money and the fear of government scrutiny. But Douche Ted suddenly develops a conscience and doesn't want to use Skyler's money. Because it's not enough -- he needs more so he can pay off his house, save himself from bankruptcy, etc., etc. I don't think Skyler's used to a man that actually stands up to her -- he won't do what she wants! She's just going to have to have his brakes cut or something. Ted's a dead man. Skyler calls Saul.

Gus pays a visit to Hector, the man whose evil bell-ringing haunts my dreams, and presents him with Don Eladio's necklace to let him know everybody's dead (including Hector's grandson, who was the guy Jesse shot). Gus rubs Hector's face in it, but Hector still won't look him in the eye.

When Walt picks Hank up for the next stakeout, Hank instead has him drive to an industrial laundry he wants to check out. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Instead of turning into the laundry, Walter turns his car into oncoming traffic. I totally called that he was going to do that - there was no other choice!

Saul sends Bill Burr to Ted's house (after making sure he doesn't own a gun or have a good alarm system) to convince him to write a check to the IRS. I'm worried we're going to have a Fargo-type situation where things go awry. And that's pretty much exactly what happens -- Ted goes running, trips on his rug, slams his head into his kitchen island, and dies (I'm assuming). It's still awesome though. At least the check's in the mail....

Back at the lab, Walter knows someone's been cooking while he's been out of commission for 4 days. And guess what -- Jesse's back with his girl and playing video games with her son! AWWWWW! It's so cute! I love it! Walter goes to see him there, pretty much begging for his life and saying that if Jesse agrees to cook on his own, Walt's a dead man. Jesse's pretty much like, F U, you wanted me in a barrel. He goes back into the house, and Gus's men hit Walter with a taser.

Now we're in the desert and Walter has a bag over his head. This show is driving me crazy with tension tonight!!! Gus shows up and fires him - tells him to stay away from the laundry and from Jesse. Walter, ever the asshole, says, "Stay away from Pinkman or else you'll do what?" OMG! He's going to keep challenging him!! Walter knows Gus won't kill him, because if he did then Jesse wouldn't cook for him. Gus didn't succeed in turning Jesse against him. OF COURSE HE DIDN'T - JESSE LOVES YOU, WALTER! Gus says Jesse will come around. LOL times a million. Then Gus says he'll kill Walter's wife, son, and infant daughter (I screamed incoherently at that) if Walter doesn't let Gus take care of the Hank situation.

Walter runs right to Saul to get the information on the guy who can save his family and get them new identities. Saul gives him the business card for a vacuum salesman. LOL again. Walter has to get his family ready before he makes the call, have half a million ready, and there's no turning back. He begs Saul to phone in an anonymous tip that there's a hit out on Hank. And then he heads to the crawl space to get the cash -- well, guess what -- there isn't enough. Because Skyler's fat ass gave it to Ted. This is the point at which Walter just effing loses it. Screams and cries until he laughs like a crazy person.

And if that's not enough, Marie calls Skyler to tell her that they got word that someone wants to kill Hank, and so agents are guarding their house. Walter is still laughing maniacally in the background. It's the scariest thing I've ever heard. And we end with a great shot of Walter on the floor of the crawl space, as viewed through the hole in the floor. It was really awesome how the shots were paced with the music and the phone ringing and the laughing and the INSANITY!

OH MY GOD - EVERYTHING IS SUCH A MESS!!! I LOVE IT!! Honestly, this episode would have been a great season finale. But that's what's so great about the show -- IT ISN'T! We're in for even more!

Fringe

2011-09-25T20:39:00.022-04:00

So the Universes have partially come together and our credits are yellow. We also have the kickass Lincoln Lee with hot-ass glasses and an Astrid who works in the field. And, every so often, a flash of Peter breaking through from wherever he is.

Our team gets introduced to Lincoln because his partner is killed under mysterious circumstances. Lincoln's all-in on the freaky secretive stuff and joins the team. Our Freak of the Week is a translucent dude who kills a bunch of people who have high levels of heavy metals in their blood so he can, I don't know, make himself not translucent? It's freaky and cool and pretty gross, but not explained.

So I guess the 2 Universes are really only joined in that one room. The 2 Olivias don't get along so well; they're awesomely bitchy with each other as they start to "work together" and exchange files. At the end, Olivia gets Lincoln clearance to enter the facility, where you can see one Universe's sky outside one window and the other's out the other.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He eats popcorn while Astrid transmits video of a victim back to him in the lab. This is also when we have the Quote of the Episode: "I need to check her anus."

This Week's Code: APPEAR

This episode was a bit all over the place and odd, but I think it's fitting with the fact that they're resetting the show. And it should feel odd because something's missing -- Pacey!

Project Runway

2011-09-19T17:55:00.021-04:00

Challenge: Menswear! And some of the men are pigs! But it's a fake-out! The men aren't the models -- their wives/girlfriends are -- and the men are collaborating with the designers. The fake-out was lame; what else makes this such a different challenge? We get to find out how much guys-we-don't-know know about chicks-we-don't-know? Who cares. A guy actually called his chick "a hot piece of tushie." Jesus Christ.

I hate real people -- as models and clients. They're obnoxious, chatty, think they know all about fashion, and think they're funny. Olivier's couple is particularly awful. It's not like the clients have anything on the line, other than their fat asses walking down the runway....

Viktor's look was perfection and really fit his quirky chick's look. Joshua's dress was amazing - and totally unadorned, which for him is a miracle. There's a case where the client was actually helpful - he wanted to put mirrored squares on the thing. Joshua stinks. Learn to edit! Anya's flowy dress was its usual gorgeous self.

Winner: Joshua! Fabulous - the back of that dress was really lovely and his girl looked great. I'm going to include a picture of Viktor's too just because it was so damn adorable.

Bye-bye: Bryce. His chick wanted the pink, so she got the pink. I didn't think it was awful, but it was between him and Anthony Ryan, so I'm cool.

This Has To Happen

2011-09-19T10:32:00.001-04:00

Before it gets yanked again, check out Jesse Pinkman dropping by Dunder Mifflin. Love it.

YES!!

2011-09-18T23:02:00.002-04:00

Margo Martindale and Peter Dinklage won Emmys!

And yes, OK, I'll freaking start watching Modern Family....

Breaking Bad

2011-09-18T22:31:00.053-04:00

We now interrupt The Emmys to watch Breaking Bad. (Quick Emmy note: Did you see the video with Jesse Pinkman on The Office? It was amazing. Tomorrow I'm going to find the video, link to it, and watch it 600 times. I wish it were real. OK - found this link, but the sound sucks. Still worth it!!)

As is tradition, we re-watch the previous week's episode of Breaking Bad before watching the new one. God, that fight was amazing. Watching it for the first time, I was so afraid someone was going to pull out a gun - I just wouldn't put it past this show to do. And now watching it again, when things are less tense, GODDAMN I HATE WALTER WHITE!!! This man doesn't realize what he's done to Jesse. Remember innocent, goofy little screw-up dimebagger Jesse? With the messy hair and baggy clothes? Now we have this cold, haunted, dark skinhead version of Jesse who wears kickass black leather jackets. And Walter doesn't care. Jesse's reaching out to him for help, plus warning Walter about the imminent cartel war -- and Walter can only think of himself. He doesn't realize what he's made this kid do for him and how it has impacted him. He doesn't trust Jesse after Jesse killed Gale for him? Walter stinks and even if it means Jesse has to become a career criminal, I'm all for Mike being Jesse's New Daddy. At any rate, I'm glad Jesse got to take out all of this frustration on Walter, since I wasn't able to.

OK - on with this week's episode. Mike, Jesse, and Gus board a prop plane in the middle of nowhere and Gus is holding a gift-wrapped box. Seriously? If this were the series finale I would be sure it contained Walter's head.

Walter himself is MIA so Skyler presents Walter Jr. with his 16th birthday present - a car. And it's a PT Cruiser - OK, that's hysterical!!! After the Charger? Nice ride, Junior.

The Three Amigos are blindfolded and taken to a Super Lab in Mexico where Jesse has to be the main dude and teach the formula. Go Jesse! At first he's thrown (he says he gets a chemical from "the barrel with the bee on it" whereas they expect him to synthesize it). But then he's awesome -- lectures them on the cleanliness of their lab, bosses them around, it's brilliant. He's so badass and Mike is so proud!!!!!! Gus too! Once Jesse passes his Cooking Exam, the Cartel tells him he's staying with them in Mexico. Wha??

Walter Jr. swings by Walter's place and Walter answers the door the only way I like him to -- bloodied, and in his tighty whities. His cover story to Junior is that he was gambling and got in a fight, and begs him not to tell Skyler. He starts crying and says he made a mistake and I'm hoping it's not an act on his part (though I'll bet it is) and that he's finally upset over what he did with Jesse. Walter Junior puts his dad to bed and Walter's all mumbling and out of it and he CALLS HIM JESSE!!! I "awwwwwwwed" loudly. OK, so maybe he meant it after all. Now just say it to Jesse, asshole.

Meanwhile, Saul meets with Ted Beneke -- to notify him of a "dead great-aunt" who has left him "an inheritance" -- i.e., Skyler is giving this asshole Walter's money!! It's the right decision though I guess -- can't have the government poking around in your stuff when you're a White. But really? Dead relative? Wonder if that'll stick. But the best part? Saul gets to be all, "I told you so" to Skyler because he brings her Ted's credit report - hours after getting the money, he leased a Mercedes. Ha! Love it! Ted's a freaking dirtbag and Skyler's plan didn't work -- she better let him have it. Ted doesn't want to take Skyler's advice - he wants to fight the IRS and get his business going instead. I kind of love that her plan has fallen apart and she doesn't have any control over the situation. But then Skyler can't resist - she tells him that she gave him the money. UGH!

The Three Amigos hang out by Don Eladio's pool, the site of Gus's BF's death so many years ago. Gus hands over Jesse as the new cook, like he's a bride or a slave, and then presents the boss with his gift -- tequila. I should mention at this point that, while looking at the pool wistfully, Gus took a pill. Mike (my husband, not the character) immediately goes -- "he took an antidote." Tequila shots proceed to be passed around all the Cartel guys. And Jesse can't drink because he's in recovery. OMFG MIKE IS RIGHT!!!!!! After a bit, everyone starts collapsing and Mike strangles the security guy. Gus pukes and is a bit affected by the poison, but walks out with Jesse and Mike's assistance.

I love this. Love it. How does Gus continue to be so goddamn brilliant? He took out the Cartel!!!!!!!!!!! It took 20 years but he got revenge! Jesse and Mike load Gus into a car -- and then a dude opens fire. He hits Mike and I scream, and then Jesse takes his ass out. He shoots him 100 times like he's playing his goddamn video game. Mike's still alive, so that's good. And Jesse the hero drives them away. Jesse. The Motherlovin' Hero. Who needs Walter White? Jesse = the man. Holy crap.

That episode was amazing.

OK Fine

2011-09-18T21:03:00.002-04:00

I'm going to start watching Modern Family. Just give me a few months or something.

No Wait I Love Her More

2011-09-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

Aubrey Plaza: My dreamgirl.

Jesus

2011-09-18T20:41:00.000-04:00

Is everyone wearing red at the Emmys tonight!?

Nina Dobrev Is Hotter Than You

2011-09-18T19:18:00.004-04:00

Nice try. Oh God I hate this bitch. For absolutely no reason.

Wow

2011-09-18T19:06:00.001-04:00

I don't watch The Vampire Diaries, but I might have to. New Girl Crush: Nina Dobrev. Holy crap.

The Emmys Are Tonight

2011-09-18T15:04:00.004-04:00

Hey, so remember The Emmys last year? When I was all, "Who the eff is this Aaron Paul punk and why does Bryan Cranston keep winning awards?"

Yeah. 2010 Me stinks -- what an idiot.

Sorry Your Mom's Such a Bitch

2011-09-15T16:31:00.002-04:00

Cute first name, but he's doomed to a life with this controlling C.

And baby makes two.

Mad Men star January Jones welcomed her first child on Tuesday, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

Son Xander Dane Jones and the new mom are "doing great," the rep says.

Jones, 33, chose to keep the sex of her baby under wraps, remarking "it's going to be a surprise for me" during a June interview.

The actress announced the pregnancy in April. A source told PEOPLE at the time, "She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom."

Breaking Bad

2011-09-11T22:02:00.037-04:00

Another violence warning!! Eeeeee! The cold open is Walter dripping blood on the floor and reaching for his broken glasses.

It's cool to see Hank all jazzed up and happy again, singing "Eye of the Tiger" (badly) as Walter drives him to retrieve the GPS tracking device from Gus's car. Of course, the device only shows Gus going from home to work and back again. But Hank won't let it go - he's interested in the chicken farm now. Walter calls Mike to give him the tip that they'll be coming by soon, and Mike starts supervising the cleaning he does so well.

Walter sees Gus's guy following them into Hank's neighborhood -- and that badass Walt pulls up alongside the car, rolls the window down, and calls the cops on him!!! Then he bums a cigarette from Jesse outside the lab. Oh Jesus, Walter's on a hot streak, watch out.

The car wash business is going so well that Skyler tells Walter he doesn't have to work his second job anymore. Time to think about an exit strategy. (Yeah, bitch, he's all over that.) Ted stops by the car wash to tell Skyler he's being audited by the IRS - criminal division. She's in a panic because her name is all over his books, and she certainly can't afford getting wrapped up in an audit. She shows up to the audit with a ton of makeup and her fat tits hanging out. No one wants that, Skyler. She plays dumb, like she's a dumb bimbo twat accountant who uses Quicken (oh guess what - she is, that's not much of an act). So it appears Ted will be off the hook for the criminal charges, but he still owes a ton of money -- and he's driving around in a car as bad as Jesse's. I hope this bitch doesn't pay his bills.

As they're cleaning up the chicken farm, a sniper shoots a dude in the head right in front of Jesse. Mike tackles Jesse to get him out of the sniper's range. Then Gus walks his bad-as-shit ass out of the warehouse, walking toward the gunman, shots ringing out the whole time. He opens his arms wide, silently saying, "Come and get me bitches, I dare you!" (Jesse later calls it "Terminator shit" because Jesse rules.) The sniper leaves. Later, Gus gets a call and says, "Tell them the answer is Yes."

Mike and Jesse bring the dude's body to the lab, a/k/a Walter's House of Meth Cooking and Body Disposal. Mike tells Walter to quit with the calling cops on his guys - Mike is the MAN tonight!!

Jesse shows up to Gus's for a dinner date because he's had some questions, and Mike said they should just speak directly. Gus asks Jesse if he can cook Walter's formula. Jesse says no, and that if Gus kills Mr. White he'll have to kill him too. Gus says that's not what he asked....

So earlier we saw that Walter had a tracking device on his end table. He uses it to track Jesse -- so he knows he met with Gus. Jesse calls Walter over to his house, where Jesse tells him he's being sent to Mexico so that he can give the Cartel the formula and teach them how to cook it. Walter just sits there and listens as Jesse rambles on, then finally confronts him on his dinner date and the not-killing-Gus. They proceed to beat the crap out of each other. These 2 just need to do it already.

Jesse asks Walter if he can walk. "Then get the fuck out of here and never come back." That was intense and awesome. And I'm sure the whole formula thing is the truth too - even if Walter didn't buy it -- that the Cartel doesn't really want Walter dead, that they want the formula.

Next week: Mike and Jesse take their show on the road to Mexico!!

Breaking Bad

2011-09-04T22:00:00.041-04:00

I think we can all agree that Breaking Bad is as perfect as television gets. And if you don't agree, then you likely haven't seen it. Get on that. There are very few things about this show that have ever rung false. But when rewatching last week's episode tonight, I realized we got one of those odd moments -- Gale was 34 years old. Yeah. Right. If he was 34, then I'm 15. I mean, some people go prematurely gray, but that man looks ollld. Rant over. (But seriously, Breaking Bad, what the hell? Thanks for just being near-perfect.)

We start off tonight with a violence warning!!! YESSSSSSS!

Walter's back at the hospital for a routine checkup, talking to a fellow cancer patient about how he has control over his life. Sure. God, I love little scenes like that that say so much about the kind of man Walter is - an out of control, panicking bastard who wants to pretend he's cool, calm, and collected.

The DEA and APB call Gus in and tell him his fingerprints were found at the scene of a drug-related homicide. Oh god, here we go. But Gus has his cover at the ready -- Gale was the recipient of a chemistry scholarship he had established. They were just getting reacquainted and had dinner, that's all. Hank drops the nugget that Gustavo Fring might not be his real name, that there's no evidence of him before the 1980's in Mexico. Gus covers that up by blaming the Chilean dictator. Smooth.

Saul drops cash off to Jesse's old GF, who has found a nice place to live for her and her son. Meanwhile, Skyler's hiding fat stacks of cash in those vacuum-packed bags, hidden amongst clothes.

Walter gives Hank a drive to Pollos, and Hank tells him that he thinks Gus is a major meth drug lord. Walter starts losing his shit, quietly, as you would expect. Hank asks Walter to put a GPS tracker on Gus's car. And at that moment, Mike pulls up in the parking lot. Pulls up, sees Walter talking to Hank, exchanges meaningful glances, and sits there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Walter pretends to put the tracker on the car, but then goes into the restaurant and shows it to Gus. Gus tells him to go ahead and do it, and so he does. But Walter's in control of his life. Right.

Walter rushes to the lab and tells the camera all about Hank's suspicions, and pretty much begs Gus not to harm Hank. I love when Walter has one-sided conversations with the camera. Then he rushes to Jesse's house to get a progress report; he wants Gus to get got tonight. He tells Jesse that Hank's on to Gus, and if Gus goes down they'd go with him. He has a whole elaborate plan for how Jesse should demand to see Gus (of course he does). Then he sees a text from Mike that was talking about a meeting with Gus that got canceled. So now he knows that Jesse has seen Gus since the diner, is closer with Gus than he thought, and yet hasn't killed him as he was instructed. Jesse's not your little bitch boy anymore, Walter White!!!

Mike did some digging around and found out that Hank is doing this investigation on his own, that Gus isn't considered a suspect by real law enforcement. But he tells Gus he's concerned that the combination of the Cartel + Hank could be a perfect storm. Gus removes the GPS tracking device from his car and goes to visit the bell-ringing Uncle. (God, that man terrifies me like no other. At least there's no bell ringing tonight.)

Flashback to the 1980s when Gus and the other Pollo Hermano meet with the head of the Cartel, along with the Uncle. The Hermanos are cooking up more than just good chicken - they're cooking up the "drug of the future" - meth. Jesus, Gus really gave birth to the whole meth movement!

Anyway, Gus's partner does the cooking while Gus is the business guy. The head of the cartel wants to know - if he cooks, why do I need you? It's all so much like when Gus, Tuco, and everyone else wondered why they needed Jesse if Walter was the cook. Gus's partner assures everyone that he needs Gus, and then Gus's partner is shot in the head by the Uncle. And there's where our violence warning comes from, as he bleeds into the pool behind him. (That's it? I've seen way worse from this show - like, say, the season premiere. They raised those stakes, dammit!) We see Gus as a sniveling man, out of control, who is kept alive due to some past connection, and is told to stick with chicken. Interesting parallels with Walter there, as Walter tries to grow himself a big set of Gus Fring balls and become a drug kingpin of his own.

Attack the Block

2011-09-04T16:41:00.005-04:00

Why do aliens always invade nice, white neighborhoods? Like those kids from Super 8 - nice, all-American, suburban white kids. What if instead aliens attacked the hood? That's what goes down in Attack the Block, which is a "Best Movie Ever."

Certainly the best aliens-attack-urban-youths-in-South-London movie ever made. It was great, and it was a legit alien invasion movie, not a spoof (though still funny). The kids were all adorably-badass - kind of like if the teens from The Wire had to save their housing project from aliens.

Definitely check it out if it comes to your area. Trust me, bruv!

The Debt

2011-09-03T20:21:00.003-04:00

In my rating system, The Debt gets an "Awesome Movie." It's kind of a rare movie - not all drama, not all action, certainly no blockbuster. It's a thriller for grownups. It's a nice movie to transition from Summer to Fall, from the big over-the-top movies to something more serious but not terribly depressing.

It tells the story of Israeli agents taking down an evil Nazi doctor in the '60s and then also goes forward to present day (or 1997, at least). Helen Mirren is always great to watch. Jessica Chastain is in about 100 movies this summer alone (though this is the only one I've seen) -- I really like her too.

It's not like you have to run out and see the movie this second, but it's definitely worth watching and a satisfying thriller.

Project Runway

2011-09-03T07:53:00.016-04:00

Challenge: Collaborate with art school kids to create an avant garde look inspired by the kids' artwork. The art kids are adorable (some quiet and shy, some won't shut up) and amazing artists.

Bert must be back on his meds because he's hella upbeat - for Bert. "It's a tough challenge and we're all doing the best we can." Cheerleader Bert is weird. Olivier glues his dress onto his model. Has he not heard of double-stick tape? Tim catches him and makes him take off the glue - it's cheating because it means his dress has construction problems. We might get tit on the runway!!

Kimberly's feathery look was very cool. Olivier's was lame, and even lamer - no tit. Bert made some horrid clown costume with giant high-waisted pants. Shudder. Laura's fluttery look was gorgeous. Josh C. made a trashy, rejected costume from Twilight. Anya's was crazy and amazing. I couldn't believe Kimberly and Anya were just in the middle.

Winner: Anthony Ryan. I thought his dress looked a little too glued-on, but I love him.

Bye-bye: Josh C. Yeah, it never works out when rejected contestants get a second chance. You were rejected for a reason.

Breaking Bad

2011-08-29T20:30:00.037-04:00

Jesse uses a video game for shooting practice. Oh how innocent and sweet this little killer is. He also has visions of shooting Gale along with the zombies, but at least he's alone in his meth house. That kid is on his way to becoming a killer for a drug lord and 10 bucks says he kills Walter before the show's over. (The whole series, not this episode.)

Skyler made arrangements with the car dealership to take the Challenger back, and instructs Walter to do so. Of course she did. Instead, he takes it to an empty parking lot to do insane donuts and pretend he's a stunt driver. And then he lights the thing on fire and blows it up. Ol' "rebellious" Walt. Gotta love the asshole.

At this point on Sunday, my power went out and I cursed God's existence. Now to finish watching courtesy of Amazon....

Walter visits Saul who gets him out of trouble for the destruction of property. It's gonna set him back $52,000, not to mention the cost of the car. This giant idiot. Saul has a lot of audio tapes in his safe and that makes me laugh - gotta wonder what kind of conversations he has saved up and why. Walter asks Saul to find a hitman to get Gus. Saul suggests Craigslist, but then says that Jesse can get near Gus.

Walter visits Jesse, who is painting the living room, finishing the former meth house's conversion. Walter's suspicious about (and likely insane with jealousy/paranoia over) Gus seeing something in Jesse. He does the patented Walter White Manipulation on Jesse, bringing up the whole past with Gus, the death of his girlfriend's brother, etc. "Is it possible he'd think you're that weak-willed?" Jesus Christ, Walter is cruel. Jesse tells him to drop the sales pitch, that he'll kill Gus the first chance he gets.

Walter supplies Jesse with Ricin to slip into Gus's food or drink. Jesse hides it in a cigarette, and now I have to be nervous every time he sees Gus. He's going to get caught with it, he just isn't that good.... Wonder if he'll go through with it - or if he'll accidentally smoke it.

Under Skyler's management, the car wash rocks an awesome 80's soundtrack. Walter brings in $274,000 in cash with the Coke Zero. Waaaahhhh, it's too much for Skyler to launder through the car wash, waaaahhh. Oh, looks like some fat bitch is over her head. She stinks.

Hank is walking with a walker, and he and Walter Jr. take their crippled asses to a Pollos for lunch. Gus comes to greet them and even offers Junior a job. Ha! That would be hilarious - Junior working the legitimate side of the business. Gus grabs Hank a refill, and Hank grabs the cup for fingerprints. SHIT! I sooo don't want Gus to get caught!

It's Meeting Day at the chicken farm. Gus v. The Cartel. There are TONS of security dudes around. Jesse brings the requisite veggie platter, and Mike also gives him a gun - for emergencies only. The Cartel turns out to be one dude who is the spokesperson for the group. Gus offers him 50 million dollars to conclude all business. But the Cartel wants something else, and we're left hanging.

Jesse goes back to his rehab group meeting, and tells them he's 4 days sober. Yay! He also tells the group that he killed Gale, but by saying he killed a problem dog. Long story short, Aaron Paul earns his second Emmy. The group leader doesn't want people judging Jesse for his actions, but Jesse says there are some things you just shouldn't "accept". Throws it back in his face about running over his own kid and everything. I pretty much just sat there in stunned silence. Oh, self-loathing Jesse, you are painful to watch.

Hank's back at work, walking with a cane. He linked the writing on Gale's Pollo bag with a model number for a huge air filter, the air filter to Pollos... and Gus's fingerprints to Gale's apartment. Holy Jesus. It's all coming down, son!!!!!

Project Runway

2011-08-28T15:59:00.036-04:00

Challenge: Run around a track and the top 4 runners become the captains of teams of 3 to design 3 looks to go with Heidi Klum's sneakers. But not before Cecilia and her whiny face quit. Bye-bye, pissy bitch.

It's pretty great watching designers run. They look ridiculous, and Olivier falls halfway through and has a panic attack during medical treatment. Jesus Christ, people, keep living up to stereotypes.

The teams break down like this:

Joshua - Anya and Becky
Bryce - Kimberly and Danielle
Anthony Ryan - Laura and Bert
Viktor - Olivier. Since the quitter quit, Viktor gets to choose an ousted contestant to come back and join the competition. My bald Joshua is coming back!

The teams generally struggle and Bert is his usual Debbie Downer self. Joshua calls Becky's design aesthetic dowdy and she walks out of the workroom and bawls her eyes out in the bathroom. You see, the designers have to work through the night - til 4 AM - so things are even testier than normal. Bert is so. damn. bitchy!

Viktor's look is amazing, and his team's collection is the best. Bryce's dress is hella cute. Anthony Ryan and Laura's looks are red-hot messes, but Bert's wasn't nearly as bad. Joshua's team's looks were ugly, but not disasters. On the whole, there's not much to love.

There's loads of bitching on the runway, especially between Bert and Anthony Ryan. Anthony Ryan has a lot of damn nerve -- his outfit is fugly as hell. If it looked great, he'd have more room to criticize Bert's. His drape-y shorts gave his model cameltoe and camelbutt. Bert is downright joyful when the judges say his is the best of the team's and slam Laura and Anthony Ryan.

Winner: Viktor. Yay! I love him and that look was awesome. Joshua's named a winner too, but mostly for Anya's maxi dress. Which he ruined by putting that stripe down the middle. Blech.

Bye-bye: Danielle. It came down to her and Anthony Ryan, but they booted her because he at least showed promise in the past. I think that's BS. I mean, I love me some Anthony Ryan, but if the producers/judges had balls, they would have kicked him out. Heh. Balls. Unintentional pun about Anthony Ryan and his testicular cancer.

The Challenge: Rivals

2011-08-28T13:39:00.016-04:00

There's not a whole hell of a lot to say about a Final Challenge episode. No drinking, no sex, no fights, just physical competition. And lame stuff, like shoveling dirt. Though it IS fun to watch Jenn cry and then get pissed and want to quit.

They threw in a food thing this year which is pretty brilliant. After doing all that hard, hot work, they have to eat everything on a table. TIME FOR PUKE!!!!! Wes in particular has some spectacular puke, because he's been heaving all day anyway.

I thought the puke would be the grossest part, but Wes develops some kind of growth behind his knee. I don't know what's going on, but Kenny actually picks his huge ass up and carries Wes up a mountain.

This Final Challenge is an overnight challenge, and Jenn and Mandi get disqualified because they don't make it to the checkpoint in time. There's a lot of midnight puking as the pairs have to take turns sleeping.

It's morning and time for another hike up a rocky mountain to find a key and unlock a trophy at the finish line. Mike quits because he's too sick to continue, and realizes he and Leroy have no shot anyway. TJ's not hard enough on him. Pussy.

Winners: Johnny and Tyler and Evelyn and Paula. Go Key West.

Jesus Christ - Stop Procreating!

2011-08-23T11:01:00.001-04:00

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are getting ready for another baby!

The couple, who are parents to two daughters – Violet, 5½, and Seraphina, 2½ – are "thrilled" to be expecting their third child, they confirm to the Associated Press.

Garner and Affleck, both 39, have each spoken of being hands-on parents.

Actually, I'm all for this. They seem like awesome parents and their kids are cute and have good names. Just please don't split up....

Breaking Bad

2011-08-21T22:20:00.044-04:00

We open like we did a couple weeks ago, with the interior of a Pollos Hermanos truck. This time it's not Mike, but two armed guys inside. They're ambushed again, but instead of being shot up, exhaust fumes are fed into the back of the truck until they die. The ambushers know just what they're looking for - the marked batter bucket that contains the meth.

When we last left Walter, he couldn't keep his whore mouth shut. Now it's the next day, and Skyler has done her research on Gale while Walter was passed out. Walter wants to treat the meth business and home life as "church and state," but of course that's not going to be good enough for Skyler. She's worried that he wants to be caught, and she reiterates that they need to go to the police if he's in danger. Walter awesomely puts her in her place, tells her to STFU, and says that HE'S the danger, that he's the one who knocks on doors. Oh god, he's such a phony, emasculated, condescending prick; I love it. When Walter gets out of the shower, Skyler's gone. She stays gone overnight too, and the next day Walter's out with Junior and buys him a car. A brand new sportscar. Because of course Walter wants to prove himself to be the man in his son's eyes. Bastard.

Jesse's still working his second job with Mike, which tonight involves keeping him company at a diner. Jesse's got some withdrawal symptoms going on, so Mike nicely shares his dinner. OMG, these two, seriously - love it! Forget that Gucci Zen rehab - the Mike method is going to stick!!

Walter is sooo hot and bothered over Jesse's new standing in the company. He just wants subservient Jesse back so - once again - he can feel like The Man. He tells Jesse that he thinks the whole thing is a setup by Gus, that he's trying to drive a wedge between them. Goddammit, man, let Jesse feel good for 10 seconds!

In the lab, the phone rings. It's for Jesse. He's called out on assignment and Walter's left to clean up. Walter tries to get some laundry ladies to come downstairs to help him. They initially don't want to, because I'm sure they're told never to go downstairs, but he convinces them/bribes them to do it. So he freaking pours himself a cup of coffee, toasts the camera, and lets the ladies do the work. Jesus, this whole thing is one giant chess match. I love it.

Gus rewards the ladies with a bus trip back to Honduras.

Mike and Jesse are watching a house that's suspected of holding stolen meth. Jesse's not one to just wait around, so he goes to the house "looking to buy." It doesn't work, so back to Mike's original plan - 90% of the job is waiting. But no, Jesse's still not satisfied and he's gonna get those guys to come out - "I know meth heads." He gets the shovel from the trunk and starts digging in their yard. A junkie comes out to see what he's doing. "Digging." Jesse uses his Meth Whisperer skills and gets the junkie to take over the digging. Once inside the house, Jesse has a bit of a standoff with another unstable, gun-toting meth head (Dewey Crowe!), but knocks him out with a bong. He and Mike find a Pollos batter bucket and there's a message written in Spanish - "Are you ready to talk?"

Gus stops by where Mike and Jesse are having another romantic dinner. Jesse goes outside so the big boys can talk. Mike wants to hire 10-15 guys to hit back hard, but Gus wants a Cold War. He's willing to set up a meeting. When he leaves, he tells Jesse he heard he's been doing well. And says that he sees things in people, when Jesse asks, "Why me?"

While Skyler was out, she visited the Four Corners and threw a coin, which landed in Colorado twice. But she kicked it over into New Mexico and returns home. She wants the car gone, because of course it doesn't fit in with their story. "Someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family." BURN. This bitch is officially Carmela Soprano.

30 Minutes or Less

2011-08-21T19:31:00.005-04:00

30 Minutes or Less gets an "I've Seen Worse" rating from me. Which means, "I've Seen Funnier." With a cast featuring Danny McBride, Nick Swardson, and Aziz Ansari, it should have been the funniest movie ever. It's not awful, but something just failed in the execution. Now, it could be the subject matter. I mean, strapping a bomb to a pizza guy and forcing him to rob a bank is something that actually happened, and ended badly. So it's hard from the beginning for me to buy this as a comedy. But action/crime/comedies have worked before - I'm thinking of Pineapple Express. This wasn't as good as that. But I could watch Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari read the phone book and I'd be amused, so I've seen worse.

It's not an awful movie. It's not a total waste of time. And if it's 100 degrees outside, it's not a bad idea. Ringing endorsement!

The Challenge: Rivals

2011-08-20T12:00:00.026-04:00

When we last left CT, he was beginning to rage out. Unfortunately, he didn't crack Johnny across the face. CT's just standing up for Adam, because they'll always have Paris.

The Jungle: It's CT and Adam vs. Johnny and Tyler in a thing that's hard to explain. But it has elements of football/rugby, so CT's about to crack some heads. He rocks Tyler and it's awesome. It's super-close and CT ends up carrying Adam across the finish by his shorts. Unfortunately, not in time.

Bye-bye: CT and Adam. Because Adam screwed up. Bummer. Wow, they really edited this well, because I'm actually sad for those dudes, and normally who gives a crap. They're making it out like it's the most devastating loss of all time. Maybe it is. But I'm not buying that Johnny and Tyler are in love and some kind of unstoppable force.

The Final Challenge is taking place in Patagonia. I thought that was a brand of backpack or something. Hiking gear, something like that? It's gorgeous, whatever it is, all green and mountains and lakes.

Wes continues his crusade against Cara Maria. She dares him to make her cry. Oh, sweetie, no. I'm surprised it doesn't happen, and she actually stands up for herself. It's not hard to counter Wes's "you're immature" argument when the man poured Coke all over your head. Pot, kettle, Wes.

It's the morning of the Final and Tyler and Jenn have food poisoning. Tyler's is worse, and he decides to compete against doctor's orders. Dumbass.

And so the Final begins. It's pretty hysterical how bad Jenn and Mandi are at kayaking. Like, so bad. But then Wes and Kenny are in their kayak backwards, so they're not much better.

To be continued, of course.

Project Runway

2011-08-20T08:44:00.030-04:00

Challenge: Design a day-to-evening look for Nina Garcia. Oh snap - I want one of these guys to cry. She's a little picky during the sketch consultations, but no tears. Damn.

Anthony Ryan and Becky choose the same patterned fabric. Fabric Showdown!! When Nina comes through the workroom, it's the Nina I love - picky as hell, freaking out the designers and putting doubts in their minds. "Do we have a Plan B?" "Are there any other textiles?" AHAHAHAHA! There's a ton of last minute work, designers helping other designers, and gluing. Gluing is never good.

Joshua's dress doesn't at all look like something Nina would wear. Ick. I loved Anthony Ryan's and Kimberly's looks. Danielle's and Cecilia's were godawful. Anya's jumpsuit was wonderful. Julie was colorblocking like it was the 90s; that housecoat was ugly as hell. Bryce can't execute an idea well to save his life. Viktor's black dress was structured and gorgeous, but it was just a safe-ish black dress. The judges end up being fine with that so YAY - I love Viktor.

Winner: Kimberly. Yay! That gold top was perfection and soooo Nina!! And when they show Nina wearing it later, it's absolutely fabulous.

Bye-bye: Julie. Yeah, that was overdue and we're only a couple weeks in. Didn't see much improvement on the horizon. Look at this picture - even the model looks depressed about having to wear this.

I Heart Andy Dwyer

2011-08-18T14:20:00.001-04:00

And these are just some of the reasons why....

These Two Are Awesome

2011-08-17T18:36:00.001-04:00

They're probably my favorite so-odd-it's-perfect couple of all time. Mazel tov.

David Cross and his longtime girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, are engaged to be married, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The actress, 28 – who starred in General Hospital and Joan of Arcadia before moving on to the big screen in the 2005 hit The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – recently returned to TV with a role on House.

Cross, 47, is perhaps best known for his outrageousness on the 2003-06 cult sitcom Arrested Development. Talk of a feature movie based on the show has long been circulating. Currently, he stars in the British-American comedy TV series The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

Breaking Bad

2011-08-14T22:51:00.041-04:00

Walter and his Aztec are on a frantic mission - find Jesse Pinkman. He drives to a Pollos (with his gun) and demands to see Gus. As he waits in his rapidly-increasing state of paranoia, he gets a call from Mike, who says he's got Jesse for the day, and that Walter needs to get back to work.

It's nice to see that Jesse's still got an ounce of self-preservation left, as he seems scared about what Mike has in store and has a plan for self-defense that involves his keys. But when they arrive at their destination, and Mike pulls a shovel out of the trunk, it's not to kill Jesse. Instead, Mike goes out into the desert and digs up a bag of money. Then he tells Jesse that they have to do this 6 more times today, so get in the car.

Jesse's eager to fill the role of guard while Mike gets the money from the hideouts. It's at this point that I wonder if it's a test, like to see how far gone Jesse is. He doesn't seem to be having withdrawal symptoms, so that's good. Whatever the reason, Mike's learning what it's like to be trapped in a car with Jesse all day. And it's hysterical. My favorite kind of Jesse - Bored Jesse - is back!

Then I wonder if the real point of the whole exercise is Walter, back at the lab working. A test to see if he can cook by himself, or even just to toy with him and make him even more paranoid about what could happen to Jesse. Walter is able to cook alone, but it looks hard and he finishes just in time to buy the car wash with Skyler. Buying car washes makes Skyler horny; their reconciliation is consummated, and she invites him to move back in -- for appearances, of course.

In other news, Hank's still consulting with his cop friend on Gale's murder, and tells him the only people he knows connected to the blue meth are Badger and Jesse. The police sketch is of Victor - sigh of relief there. Hank tells the cop that he's done with the case, that finding Heisenberg has given him closure and he's ready to move on.

At their last pickup stop, some armed thugs pull up and block Mike's car in an alley. Jesse spots the dude with the gun walking toward him while Mike is inside the building. He throws it into reverse, slams the other car, and then drives off. Mike's calling someone to come pick him up when I say, "Awwwww!" out loud - Jesse pulls up to the curb, having not forgotten about his new BFF. Mike seems impressed, even allowing Jesse to smoke. THESE TWO ARE GOING TO BE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!!!

The next day, Walter arrives at the lab to find Jesse working, and wonders what's up. Jesse tells Walter that he was Mike's guard for a day and saved the stash when they were ambushed. And he's meeting up with Mike this afternoon - "Guess I have 2 jobs now." OH SNAP, JESSE!!!! Love it! It turns out that even the ambush was part of a test put in place by Gus. He wants Jesse to feel like a hero, and I'm not sure if this is to help out Jesse and get him on the straight and narrow (in a criminal way anyway), or to drive Walter nuts with jealousy. Probably both.

The final scene is a piece of work. Holy crap. The Whites are having dinner at Hank and Marie's house. Walter's clearly irritated by Skyler and Gus and Mike and Jesse and he's drinking. Junior asks Hank how the Gale case is going and Hank says he's done with it, but goes on about how Gale was a genius, imagine what he could have done if he applied it to good, etc. That's the last straw for Walter, who can't resist insulting a dead man to make himself feel better. He tells Hank that, in his opinion, the notebook wasn't the sign of a genius - that it was merely copied down, and likely someone else's work.

Sometimes I yell at fictional characters. This was one of those times. Jesus Christ, Walter! Let it go! He has such a need for control and such a need to get credit for his work that he can't keep his mouth shut and just let Hank lose interest. Nope. Cuz Hank is interested now. He's working on the case even more the next day, and something sticks out to him. Gale was a hippie vegan, eating organic and all that -- but he has Los Pollos Hermanos stuff in the apartment. Well, there you go - now Hank has a key piece and he just needs to figure out how it fits.

Screw you, Walter White. You brought this on yourself. Thank God Jesse has that second job now!!!

Jessica Alba Names All Of Her Kids After Nouns

2011-08-14T22:16:00.001-04:00

Haven is a stripper's name, right?

Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren have added another little girl their brood: baby Haven Garner Warren.

"She was born on Saturday, weighed 7 lbs. and was 19 inches long," Alba wrote on her official Facebook page, announcing the happy news. "Healthy and happy! Big sister Honor couldn't be more excited about the new addition to our family."

Project Runway

2011-08-13T13:11:00.033-04:00

Challenge: Design a look for a girl on stilts. No lie. It's the Bizarre Costumey Challenge. And it's a team challenge - randomly drawn teams of two. This was the runway I could have attended if I had woken up early enough in NYC!

Bert's a Debbie Downer. He takes literally (and challenges) everything that Viktor says. Bert's bothering me more and more. He's difficult to work on a team with; it's painful. He's passive-aggressive and bitchy as hell. Which of course means it makes good television. Jesus, Tim Gunn doesn't want to hear your whining.

Anya and Olivier are a dream team, but their outfit is just OK. Josh and Julie chose an amazing pattern for their pants. Fallene is a sewing tard and botches the bodice, so Bryce has to whip something up last-minute, and it's essentially a tank top. Fallene literally makes nothing but the headpiece. Dumb bitch. Cecilia and Danielle made a matronly look that wasn't helped by the god-awful hair. Laura and Anthony Ryan's red outfit was amazing.

Meanwhile, something is all jacked-up because Cecilia and Danielle are in the top? What? All of the top outfits were the most normal-looking - non-costumey and ready-to-wear (if you're 100 feet tall). So I guess the judges have a point; were they not supposed to be so over-the-top? I loved Kimberly and Becky's jacket/pants combo too. But I stand by Cecilia and Danielle's thing being awful. Yuck. Bert and Viktor made bad curtains. And of course Bert is like, "I didn't create this; it's not mine." Ass.

Winner: Laura, who made the fabulous red outfit with Anthony Ryan.

Bye-bye: Fallene. And thank god too because the headpiece was the only part of the outfit the judges liked, so I thought she was almost off the hook. Bye, sweetie, go back to cutting hair with your cute Pixie self.

I Love Tina Fey

2011-08-13T11:25:00.004-04:00

I love everything about Tina Fey, except that she has children. In a perfect world, Tina Fey would be the face of women who don't want kids. But she's apparently a conformist breeder, so whatever.

That being said, I love the names, so GO TINA!

Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.

The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.

<3 Penelope!!!!

SYTYCD Finale: Part Two

2011-08-11T20:43:00.037-04:00

How quickly I've forgotten all of these people as they come out for the Top 20 dance. Ryan, that Russian bitch, Jess -- nope, don't miss any of you.

Cat is lovely in a red sequined number, but I was expecting something over-the-top for the finale, no? Sonya and Mary are rocking some HUGE skirts on their dresses. I guess Cat wanted to be quietly stylish by comparison. It's the brilliance of Cat. I will no longer question it.

Let's fast-forward through all the retrospectives and just get to the judges' picks for Best Of, 'K?

Sasha and Kent's intense wall dance. Marko and Melanie's peppy little Nappy Tabs routine -- you know, the one with The Kiss. Tadd and Lauren's "Another One Bites the Dust" -- was that the best they could do for a Tadd number? Miranda and Robert's Busta Rhymes (yeah, that was good). The one where Melanie flew across the stage and into Neil's arms. Marko and Allison's beautiful Sonya routine. The Geishas with the Top 10 Girls. We also got a great tap performance from Nick, Jess, and the UK Winner.

4th Place: Tadd. Yep, that's 100% accurate.

Let's continue with the dancing. Ashley and Chris (oh how I've forgotten you, Chris) and their jail routine. Twitch and Sasha's sexy little hip hop. The Top 10 Guys doing their cool Matrix-y hip hop. Alexander has some crazy-ass blonde hair now. Of course he does. Argentine Tango from Caitlynn and Pasha. Melanie and Marko as statues.

At this point, Sasha joins them on stage. OMG - Marko's going to get kicked out in a statue costume! Poor guy.

3rd Place: Marko. Yep, I'm a psychic. That's exactly how it should go. But yeah - he's getting kicked out in an awful costume. At least they didn't make him wear the full white makeup.

The final dance is the Melanie and Sasha Sonya Jazz routine. It's almost as if they knew they'd be in the Top 2....

And The Winner Is: Melanie. Wow! I'm kind of surprised! I think it should have been Sasha, but it's not like I'm going to say Melanie sucks. Go Tree Trunks McPixieson!!!

The Challenge: Rivals

2011-08-11T19:59:00.021-04:00

Paula and Mike need to stop making out. I'm trying to keep food down.

They travel to this amazing villa in Argentina, and proceed to drunkenly tear it apart. Wes pours a 2-liter of Pepsi all over Cara Maria because Wes is 3. OMG, you guyyyyyys, Cara Maria's life is so haaaarrrrrddddd! Laurel takes up her cause and goes after Wes with a bottle of soda - but Tyler stops her from ruining the piano. Because we can't ruin the piano!!!! And LOL Laurel calls Paula 39 years old. I wonder if that's true. Either way, Paula starts crying and I start laughing.

Unfortunately, we can't just have fighting for an hour straight so we're interrupted by a Challenge: some crap about swinging from a helicopter above the water... whatever. BACK TO NAME CALLING AND SODA THROWING!

Winners: Evelyn and Paula. Jesus, again? Michael and Leroy. Well, those newbs skated into the finals, huh?

Losers: CT and Adam. And TJ demands a vote right away, so there's no time for everyone to deliberate and group-think. HAHA! Johnny and Tyler end up there. I hope CT murders them; they're babies. Tyler feels betrayyyyyed and gives Paula the kind of guilt trip I thought only my mother was capable of.

We don't get the Jungle til next week. Too bad, because CT is drunk, fired up, and ready.

SYTYCD Finale: Part One

2011-08-10T21:55:00.006-04:00

Performance Show Finale time. Crazy. Where did the season go?

Cat's eyes and lips are BOTH hella wonky tonight. She def looks a hot mess. Speaking of hot messes, Katie Holmes is the guest judge. Hot robot mess. (But she looks good.) After all of her comments I would say, "Thanks, Mrs. Tom Cruise." Because, seriously, you're adding nothing. Go.

1. Marko and Melanie - Disco by Doriana Sanchez. Melanie in a skimpy outfit isn't doing it for me; she's got a weird pasty body. The dance was boring as hell. These two deserved SO MUCH BETTER. I suppose they executed what they needed to execute (well, not the lifts - those looked struggling), but it was cringe-worthy and pretty awful.

2. Sasha and Mark - Jazz by Sonya. Great to see Mark do a Sonya routine again, but it was really meant to showcase Sasha. And it certainly did. Jesus, she is amazing; her body does crazy things. She's like the perfect combination of athlete and artist. Definitely rewound it and watched it again right away.

3. Tadd and Joshua - Hip Hop by Lil C. OH SNAP SON JOSHUA IS BACK!!!! And look, Tadd, I love you but JOSHUA IS THE BOMB! I pretty much just watched him. He rules so hard and we haven't seen him in ages. I was like a kid on Christmas I was so giddy over it. I'm gay for the dance, what can I say? It was a hard, buck routine and Tadd was great. Great pairing. I'm a happy fangirl.

4. Melanie and Robert - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. It was a lovely, emotional routine that suited her SO much better than that disco crap. Beautifully danced.

5. Sasha and Marko - Broadway by Spencer Liff. It was a playful, fun routine and Sasha was hella sexy. Loved it!

6. Sasha and Tadd - Cha Cha by Some Dude. It was alright. I think I was thrown by how much taller she is than him. Their partnering was way off and it seemed hard and awkward. Her body's just so amazing though - she looks great.

7. Marko and Lauren - Contemporary by Some Totally New Chick. It was a great routine and emotional, especially on Lauren's part. It was the perfect routine for him - really strong and beautiful - and they made a great pair.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Jazz by A Dude. It was a little trifle of a routine, complete with tearaway pants. So, you know, kind of corny but still a good time. Melanie is really good at doing character pieces; she'll be an actress, I'm sure.

9. Melanie and Sasha - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. They were so lovely together and they're both good at the acting part, actually.

10. Marko and Tadd - Hip Hop that Incorporated Gumboot Stepping by a Dude. It was weird because the routine was really fast, but their legs looked like they were moving too slowly. Like they were heavy or something. I'm sure it's just that they're exhausted. It just wasn't the best way to feature the Asian Explosion.

Let's just rewatch Sasha and Mark 100 times and give the girl the damn award just for that thing.

Project Runway

2011-08-09T18:20:00.028-04:00

Challenge: Design an outfit using materials found in a pet store. But no live animals. If I never hear "wee wee pads" again it'll be too soon.

Since Bert has immunity, he plays it safe and uses a lot of fabric-like stuff. He's fussy, and doesn't want to play the unconventional challenge game. He's not long for this world, I fear.

Viktor's wee wee pad dress is really pretty; I like how he did the dyeing. Anthony Ryan's birdseed dress looked good - it had texture and pattern to it. Bert's thing was atrocious; thank god he has immunity. Bryce's wee wee pad dress was horrific and just looked like a ton of napkins thrown up on a skirt. I didn't love Olivier's dress like the judges did. I thought the skirt made his model's butt look huge, though I did love the top (but wasn't the top all doggie-bed, and therefore too fabric-like and conventional?).

Winner: Olivier. Whatever!

Bye-bye: Josh C. Wow, I'm surprised Bryce got by with the wee wee pad explosion. But yeah, Josh C. clearly had some taste issues.

Breaking Bad

2011-08-07T22:00:00.048-04:00

We open with Mike riding in a truck full of Pollos meth batter. The truck is stopped and shot to hell by a couple guys with automatic weapons. Mike lays low and survives (with only a nasty shot to the ear) and shoots the two thugs when they open the truck. Looks like someone has it out for Gus's operation.

Skyler can't sleep because she's too busy plotting out their entire cover story; she even goes to Gamblers Anonymous meetings with Walt for research. Better yet -- she's making Walt learn how to count cards for real!!! OMG! Brilliant. Skyler approaches it as she would a short story (remember when she was a wannabe writer?) as they prepare to "come clean" to the family. It's hysterical. Bryan Cranston rules. I love this show and its sitcom tendencies.

Hank breaks out a little something for Walter and Walter Jr. -- a DVD of Gale doing karaoke that he got from his case file. He's laughing while Walter looks like he wants to puke. I hope full video of Gale doing karaoke is on the DVD extras. (Update: it's here!)

After the confession to the family, Walter excuses himself -- so he can go through Gale's case file in Hank's room. He sees the crime scene photos and the notebook, but has to stop looking once Hank approaches. Walter gets Hank to talk to him about the case -- Hank thinks Gale is Heisenberg -- while scouring the notebook for any clues that might lead back to him. Hank notes that the notebook is dedicated to "W.W." - OH SNAP!!! Walter quickly covers that it must reference Walt Whitman, the author of the poem Gale recited and wrote in the notebook. That Walter White is GOOD (sometimes).

Walter goes to Jesse's house - and this is the first time he's seeing the crack den it has become. He tells Jesse that the police found fingerprints at the scene of Gale's murder and he presses poor Jesse for details on the night. Jesus, Walter, you're killing me. I hate you again. Jesse kicks him out (or, more accurately, pays a couple crackheads 100 bucks to kick him out).

Walter goes to Saul with his issues instead, freaking out about how much danger he's in, freaking out that Jesse will be caught or that Gus will be afraid Jesse will be caught and take care of Jesse himself. And freaking out that Jesse has "actual hobos" living in his house. After making sure his own name has never come up in the investigation, Saul lets Walter know that, when the time comes, he knows a guy who can help the Whites disappear. The paranoia continues at the lab, where Walter watches the surveillance camera follow Jesse.

Back in the crack den, Jesse leaves his money lying around way too much and one of the druggies has his eye on it. He also appears to still be skimming drugs from the lab. NO! He comes home, sees the entire bag of money is missing, and goes back to playing video games with a skank. Ugh, I want to slap him and hug him at the same time.

The next morning, Mike comes to Jesse's house to wake him up. He kicked everyone out, except for the guy who stole his money. (I'm guessing Mike's been watching the house and saw the guy take the money.) Jesse just takes his money and goes back to bed. This is not good; Mike reports back to Gus that Jesse is a liability that must be taken care of.

When Jesse doesn't come to work, Walter goes looking for him, only to find an empty house and Jesse's abandoned cell phone. Then he goes back to the lab and asks the surveillance camera, "Where is he?"

He's with Mike, driving. Mike: "You wanna ask where we're going?" Jesse: "Nope."
The end. Mothereffers.

The Challenge: Rivals

2011-08-07T09:08:00.017-04:00

Oh god Michael and Paula are hooking up and MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING! Gross. There are crabs loose in the house, but not the kind you think. They're even in Mandi's room. Appropriate.

Challenge: Blast your hanging partner with a fire hose, prison-riot-style, so that they move back toward giant razors that will then cut their rope and drop them into the water. Giant razors -- what could possibly go wrong? Tragically, there are no beheadings.

Losers: Cara Maria and Laurel, who want to go up against Jenn and Mandi. But Jasmine and Jonna are the newbies, so they have to go in. Why does everyone protect Jenn all of the sudden?

It's Pre-Jungle Clubbing Time and that only means trouble. Jenn's offended that Cara Maria thinks she's having sex with Adam and gets all up in her face and slaps her. That Jenn, always classy. I'm loving that Cara Maria and Abram are still dating; they're sweet together, in a weird way.

The Jungle: Football-style tackling your opponent, forcing them outside the circle. The whole house is on Team Fiery Black Chicks because they hate Cara Maria.

Bye-bye: Jasmine and Jonna. Though they may be fiery, they're also weedy, and they're easily runover by the bigger girls.

For the next challenge, they're all heading to Buenos Aires. I hate these people so much.

Monkey Movie

2011-08-06T14:37:00.006-04:00

Seriously, I can't stop randomly shouting, "Monkey Movie!!"

It was brought to my attention that I should have a rating system of some sort. I'm thinking of "Awesome Movie," "Best Movie Ever," and "No But This Time I Mean It, Best Movie Ever." And of course there's "I've Seen Worse" and "Utter Crap." On that scale, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an Awesome Movie.

I didn't expect to like it, really. The trailers looked pretty corny and it's the kind of movie that could easily venture into awfulness. But it was getting overall good reviews and the motion capture stuff I saw at Comic-Con made me want to check it out. Meanwhile, I barely paid attention to the motion capture stuff, which I suppose means it was done really well.

The movie plausibly sets up how Earth could become a planet of apes. Really. The lead monkey, Caesar, goes from being adorable to a real asshole. But who can blame him; humans suck. The only thing really missing from this movie was more violence. Let's face it - chimps are freaking brutal. They rip off faces and balls like it's nothing. I wanted some ball-ripping. But we didn't even get implied ball-ripping. It's largely bloodless. But still with a good revolt from the monkeys and a couple shocking moments that I won't spoil but are awesome, and brought a literal hush over the audience. I like when that kind of crap happens.

The Monkey Movie was the Best Movie I've seen this month.

SYTYCD: Results

2011-08-04T20:52:00.008-04:00

I just realized no one got hurt this year. Hurrah! Well, we were robbed of Alex Wong, but yeah, otherwise, everyone stayed healthy after that first week when Someone We Don't Care About Anymore hurt himself.

Melanie gets the first bid in to the Finale, and Marko follows. YAY!

The Guest Performance was something called the Bad Boys of Dance, though there was one girl. But it was mostly shirtless guys in tight Tron-inspired pants balleting about. Whatever, just tell me my girl Sasha is fine and the world is still round.

Bye-Bye: Caitlynn and Ricky. Thank you, America!!! You rule!!!! 2 Asian guys and 2 wonderful girls - next week's going to be awesome and tough!

SYTYCD: Performances

2011-08-03T20:10:00.038-04:00

Guest Judges: Christina Applegate and Lil' C. And Orange Mary. Jesus, she is an unnatural shade of orange and so are her boobs. Her big old boobs.

1. Melanie and Twitch - Hip Hop by Tabitha & Napoleon. It was good. I mean, I wasn't really feeling the song, and it was weird to dance to, but she held her own for sure. Pretty good for a Pixie-haired white girl.

2. Sasha and Kent - Contemporary by Tyce. Oh crap - Kent, son! And OMFG it was a crazy-ass, intense routine that involved a wall and it was just crazy. This bitch needs to win. End of story.

3. Marko and Janette - Paso Doble by Some Dude. Marko was great. I mean, so was Janette but that's a no-brainer - I loved watching her skirt fly around. There was a cool trick in it and it was well done.

4. Tadd and Ellenore - Jazz by Sonya. I love Ellenore and her kooky style - pair her with Sonya and it's awesome. Add Tadd and it rules. He literally was swinging from a chandelier several times. Pretty cool. Nigel was right that there needed to be more dancing, but it was a nice piece. OK, maybe I'm disturbed that his nipples are prominently displayed in his sheer shirt.

5. Ricky and Jaimie - Contemporary by Dee Caspary. Damn, we are getting all the cool All Stars tonight!! I loved seeing Jaimie again. And they were really good together - it was a long, lean, lovely routine.

6. Caitlynn and Pasha - Samba by A Dude. Enough Pasha already. I know they need a male ballroom dancer, but Christ. Actually, it was really good and Caitlynn was surprisingly great!

7. Sasha and Ricky - Waacking by Some Chick. Waacking? Yep, Waacking. Not sure how to explain it - kind of disco-y but with lots of arm movements? It was cool and Sasha just proved she's awesome at everything. She deserved better than Ricky.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Broadway by Spencer Liff. Oh man, they deserve better than Broadway. It was actually an interesting routine though and they were good together. I love them both.

9. Caitlynn and Marko - Jazz by Sonya. It was an awesome routine - one of Sonya's slower Jazz routines. Loads of really cool moves. Marko's so strong and amazing and she was really good too!!!! Hmmmmm, she's been great tonight, and that's when you really want to prove yourself. Good for her.

But let's say goodbye to Caitlynn and Ricky tomorrow, OK, America? It's gotta be Sasha, man. Just Sasha. I mean, Melanie is a superclose second, but it is ALL ABOUT Sasha.

Breaking Bad

2011-07-31T22:00:00.034-04:00

There are surveillance cameras in the lab now. Not sure why there weren't before, actually. Walter flips a camera the bird, because he's such a badass.

Skyler finally gets a hold of Walter, who has been hiding from her on account of his massive black eye. She's worried for his safety, and actually suggests him turning himself in to the police. He explains that he had an argument with a coworker, and he didn't retaliate because Mike's "a much older man". Yeah, a much older man who pwned you.

After work, Jesse asks Walter to go out to do Go-Karts. Awww, how sweet. Walter turns him down and Jesse goes on the saddest solo Go-Kart ride ever. And no wonder he's avoiding home - it's now a full-on crackhouse. Like, just as bad as the one Walter pulled him out of after Jane died. The house looks great on the outside, but the inside is pathetic as hell. It's like a house full of meth zombies. Oy. Jesse.

Walter and Skyler meet with Saul to discuss money laundering opportunities. She's still insistent on getting the car wash. And the bitch actually figures out a way to get it -- by having Bill Burr "discover" issues with contaminated water. Sure enough, Mr. Eyebrows calls Skyler to take her up on her offer to buy - which she lowers from the original offer. This Skyler's a damn criminal mastermind!

Marie's going further off the deep end, attending several Open Houses under fake identities with very complex backstories. When she gets home to her real life, Hank is pissed because she bought Fritos instead of Cheetos, and bought him a Fantasy Football magazine too soon. She gets caught stealing trinkets from the houses and is arrested, but charges aren't pressed.

One of Hank's cop buddies pops by to show Hank something and get his expertise - they found Gale's notebook in his apartment. His detailed, how-to-cook-meth-in-a-superlab notebook. Great....

Cowboys & Aliens

2011-07-31T14:33:00.003-04:00

Cowboys & Aliens seems like a great recipe for a perfect summer movie. A little Western, a little aliens, kickass stars. Unfortunately, there are about 150 writers and 84 producers, which means too many cooks in the kitchen. It's not perfect, but it's still a good time. The action scenes are great - it's pretty cool to combine horses with alien ships - but in between, the story lags. It gets a tad boring, but picks up during the fight sequences. Also good - guest appearances by Boyd Crowder and that kid from There Will Be Blood.

Project Runway

2011-07-30T14:37:00.045-04:00

When my Facebook friend, Tim Gunn, posted that the new season of Project Runway was starting this week, I was shocked. And now I am reminded that it's 90 minutes long. Goddammit, I waste enough of my life already. I almost considered skipping it. But instead I just skipped the casting special. I have a weakness for artistic gays.

If this first episode wasn't the casting special, then I'm so glad I didn't watch the actual casting special. Because the premiere started out with designers having to show samples of their work to the usual panel of judges, plus Tim Gunn. I'm loving the gay Asians. SHOCKER. Also Bert, the 57-year-old recovering alcoholic whose partner died of AIDS, and Anthony Ryan, the color blind ball cancer survivor. Unfortunately, one of my gay Asians is booted, but at least I get the blonde foreign one, Olivier - he was the best one anyway.

The designers get their 5 AM Tim Gunn wakeup call. They have to grab a sheet from their bed and walk to the workroom in their PJs and bedheads. Challenge: Design an outfit using their sheet and what they're wearing. If I had to do that, my model would be wearing a dress with Charlie Sheen's face on her ass.

I'm pretty much only liking the guys because I like Rafael, the gay Indian (at least I think he's Indian), and Josh, the gay bald Mormon. Anya's retarded because she's only been sewing for 4 months and everything she does is something she's "never done before". I like her, but I think she's lying.

Guest Judge: Christina Ricci.

I loved the looks from Viktor and Bryce - and they're not even my top gays! There are a lot - and I mean a lot - of super short skirts. I guess because people don't sleep in much. Rafael's outfit was trifling as hell - awful gray leggings and a leopard bib. Josh's was pretty awful too. My second tier is failing. Eff them.

Winner: Bert!!!! YAYYYY! <3

Bye-bye: Rafael. Good - because I think Josh has way more potential. Go Josh!!

The Challenge: Rivals

2011-07-30T14:02:00.002-04:00

Poor Mandi, CT has fully moved on to Laurel. Poor, drunk Mandi, who's doing that slow, emotional, slurring thing that all girls do. It's fun to watch all the guys make fun of her. Also poor Mandi because now she's hooking up with Wes. Ick.

Odd Couple of the Week: Paula and Mike. She would break him in half if they ever banged.

Challenge: Jump out over the water on to your partner, who is dangling over the water, then swing out, fall, and swim to a buoy. Evan throws the Challenge so he can go into the Jungle and take out CT, and it pisses Nehemiah off.

Winners: Laurel & Cara Maria and Kenny & Wes.

Losers: Evan & Nehemiah, and of course CT & Adam are chosen. There's a lot of manly posturing as Nehemiah and Evan are pissed at each other, but let's be honest here - Nehemiah would kick Evan's ass. I love Evan, but he's a pussy. Look at how he bitched about Nehemiah throwing his life jacket at him. Screw you, Evan. He would flinch like a mofo if Nehemiah came after him. I kind of hope Nehemiah throws the Jungle so Evan gets screwed. That would be quite hysterical, no?

The Jungle: They hang from a pole 25 feet above the ground and then move that pole down a jungle gym type thing using their momentum. It looks hella tough. And Evan's doughy ass and Adam's girly arms aren't going to make it long.

Bye-bye: Evan and Nehemiah. I'm kind of rooting for CT now because everyone else hates him. Everyone else sucks.