The Event: Now It's Over

45 minutes from now there will be no more of this "Event" nonsense in my life, and the world will be the better for it.

Team Awesome figures out where the disease is going to be unleashed. They ask President Underwood for help, but since he's only Semi-President, he can only semi-help - with the food processing plant and the Bureau of Engraving. I guess the airport requires Full Presidential Status. So Team Awesome heads to Dulles and President Underwood tries to get the Other President to shut down Dulles and send in containment people. President Asshole is an asshole, so he doesn't.

Team Awesome chases down the Alien TSA Agent while Team Suck looks for Sophia. The TSA Agent shoots Alien Asian Hottie in the leg and the chest. Nooo! Luckily, he was wearing a bulletproof vest. But now that leaves Team Suck to save the world. Great. There's a massive shootout. No one notices a shootout in the airport? I mean, it's behind the scenes, but there's a lot of shooting. Surely someone can hear something out in the terminal.... Jesus Christ, there's even janitors out in the hallway as shooters go running by!! They seem nonplussed. This show stinks. But then the other half of Team Awesome, Sterling, pwns Sophia's right-hand man and I'm happy.

There's a Presidential Faceoff, as the Cabinet gathers for a vote on who should be President. President Underwood passes out on the way in to the meeting, but gets it together. President Underwood brings out the big guns and tells the Cabinet that President Asshole tried to take him out, and that he's working with the aliens to commit genocide. He even has a recording of their conversation where President Asshole admitted to everything. Dayum! If I cared about this show and who was President, this would be awesome!

Jesus, there's a lot of running going down at the airport. Sean's chasing Sophia through the terminal and there's a TSA guy standing RIGHT THERE and he does nothing!!! Remind me never to go to Dulles with their crappy security. Sophia locks herself in a first class lounge and starts setting up to release the virus in the terminal. Sean talks her down, and is all, "You didn't want this, you told me your people wanted peace, you'd just be murdering people for no reason, blah blah blah." That Annoying Prick Sean: Master Negotiator. That was remarkably easy. Sophia comes out and is arrested.

Simon tells Sean that the aliens are still coming, and that they were the first ones here. He also says what "The Event" is but it's shoehorned in and I don't get it. Some kind of event that would have happened if the aliens had stayed here, and will likely happen again when they return?? The answers are in the ancient scroll. Mmmm-kay, whatever.

Team Awesome meets with the President and tells him that 2.5 billion aliens are on their way. Jesus, did we know it was that many? We're screwed! Earthquakes and flooding are breaking out everywhere. It's the motherlovin' Rapture!

In sad news, they're still trying to cure Leila -- and she's pregnant. I called that as soon as the doctor wanted to talk to her about some test results. How effing stupid. Thank god this show is over - we don't have to see what a Half-Idiot, Half-Annoying-Prick looks like. Ugh. Worst. Parents. Ever.

Sophia gets brought in to the Oval Office, because that's what you do with America's #1 terrorist -- invite her in to a meeting with the President in his home. Sophia tells them she was trying to do us a favor by killing us with the virus -- now they've got no choice but to take us out in some inhumane way.

It gets windy and bright outside. Oh no - not the wind! A portal thing opens in the sky -- and a new planet is brought in to our solar system, between Earth and the Moon.

Oh sure, now you get semi-interesting. Not that they would have done anything cool with that in a second season. R.I.P. The Event.

The Event: It's Not Over Yet

Two more episodes ever ever ever. Mike actually says we shouldn't bother watching this show anymore if it's not going to wrap-up neatly. I say he's made me watch it this long, he's not getting off that easy. It does make it easier, knowing I don't have to watch this for much longer....

Leila's dumb hybrid ass has altered the Spanish Flu virus so that it will spread the way the aliens want it to. But Sophia seems to be having a change of heart. For the 15th time.

That Annoying Prick Sean and Vicky are driving and bitching about something. They're tracking down... the courier's helper I guess? Hell if I know, I always feel like I lose time when watching this show. Alien Asian Hottie and Sterling are there looking for the same dude. So now we have Team Awesome vs. Team Suck. Stay away from the only awesome things on this show, goddamn you! Team Suck fills Team Awesome in on the Spanish Flu plan and then they all pick through the dude's trash. Team Suck is already dragging my men down....

Sophia has a good plan for spreading the disease - through supermarkets, currency, and Dulles Airport. We find out the Aliens were here first and think they're just taking back that which is rightfully theirs - the Earth. They start transporting the kegs of Spanish Flu.

President Underwood wakes up from his coma just as the First Lady is giving President Asshole a good talking to. She was so just about to smack him into the next century. The First Lady brings President Underwood up to speed (Sterling/Simon saved him) and then he calls Sterling, who brings him even more up to speed (President Asshole working with Sophia/Spanish Flu).

That Annoying Prick Sean hacks his way into the NSA satellites so they can track the dude (starting from a gas station receipt). It doesn't take long for them to find his location, which is the new alien hangout. As they drive there, Simon is all, "Hey, is that an ancient scroll in your glove compartment?"

Sophia orders Leila executed to put her out of her Spanish Flu misery. She slips her restraints as the doctor is about to inject her, and then Sean arrives. Leila stays in her plastic bubble - she's infected after all. Oh no, I'm sorry, let me put it how she did: "They put it in me." Jesus, this bitch is dumb. Also, that's what she said.

Hey I have a question - why would the aliens have put Leila in her plastic bubble? They're immune to the Spanish Flu, what the hell would they care if they were exposed? Oh right - plot device. We have to endure a scene of these 2 idiots talking to each other through the plastic. PUKE!

President Underwood insists on going to the White House and busts in on President Asshole in the Oval Office. "Get the hell out of my office." BOOYAH! President Asshole is all, "You have to be proved to be capable and you're a hot mess, go screw."

Simon threatens the alien doctor with a drill to the head, which is pretty cool, and she gives up the computer password so now Team Awesome can see the virus distribution plans. What - Sean couldn't hack it? I guess he was busy.

That Alien Array Thing powers up, communicating with the home planet.

If there's a god, the finale will only be one hour long.

Happy Faces of the Day

It's a rough weekend for my husband, as V and The Event have been canceled. AHAHAHAHAHAHA TheEventSucks.

The Event

From one of the greatest shows to one of the worst. Hold me!

Michael's dead, so there's some good news. Too bad he didn't take Leila with him. Alien Asian Hottie is on the way to deliver the Poison Splenda Antidote to the Semi-President.

That Annoying Prick Sean and Vicky are on the road again, somehow, and trying to save the world from a Spanish Flu outbreak, tracking the GPS on the infected lungs. That's a ridiculous sentence, huh? They track the lungs to a mall, where the bad guys have also conveniently left behind blueprints of the mall's ventilation system. Oh noes! Sean runs to the roof of the Busiest. Mall. Ever. and has a lame shootout with the people loading the lungs into the HVAC system. It takes a while to get lungs properly loaded, OK?

Simon brings the antidote to Sterling, telling him that he's split from Sophia and wants to save the President. They head out to get with the First Lady, their only hope of getting to President Underwood. In the meantime, President Asshole tells the First Lady that Sterling and Simon are responsible for poisoning her husband. She tells him where they are.

That Annoying Prick Sean and Vicky find the lung-bomb, which has been set with a 3-minute timer. Because why disperse Spanish Flu now when you can wait 3 minutes to do it? Sean thinks he knows how to disarm a bomb, and he does so by shooting it. But wait - that's not really the lung bomb! Or at least not the whole thing. It was released on a bus so that the Aliens could continue their evaluation. They determine that the virus should first be released in a bridge species - a hybrid. Leila. Yes please! Release the virus in Leila!!! Now why does it have to be released in a hybrid? It seemed to do a pretty good job of killing people as-is. Oh who the hell knows. Funny how the kind of BS I'll accept on Fringe only irritates me with this show. It's all in the quality, people.

President Asshole orders the bombing of Sterling and Simon - no really! They don't call him President Asshole for nothing. It comes as no shock to anyone who watches The Event -- Sterling had gotten through to the First Lady earlier with a phone call and told her the real deal. So the location that she gave President Asshole isn't real - just an empty warehouse. And the First Lady gets the antidote to President Underwood. And President Asshole is now sweating his ass off. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Event

Vice President Asshole is being sworn in while President Underwood is rushed into surgery. I'm not interested in staring at Presidential Nipples. He crashes, but ends up in a coma. Now-President Asshole tells his team that he'll open up diplomatic negotiations with the aliens.

Sterling is covertly continuing his investigation of President Asshole, including sending his poisoned-coffee-stained shirt cuff off for analysis. There are traces of a bio-catalyst - something we don't even have the science to create - on the sleeve. Oh snap - sounds like Alien Poison Splenda to me!

Alien Asian Hottie is still strapped to his bed. It's unclear whether they let him get up to pee. He beats up a guard but doesn't escape. Sophia wants him killed, and orders Michael to do it. Michael only pretends to kill him, and helps AAH escape. They plan to find the antidote to the Alien Poison Splenda.

The Alien Courier is on the way to America with his briefcase of Spanish Flu. That Annoying Prick Sean and Vicky are hot on his tail, and buy tickets on the same flight. They sure are well traveled. It doesn't take long for Sean to spot his prime suspect, of course. That Sean is a brilliant master of assumption and coincidence.

Sean and Vicky jump the courier, but there's only cocaine in his briefcase. Jesus, what if they had unleashed the Spanish Flu by opening the case? What a bunch of donks!

Sterling confronts President Asshole, and awesomely tells him he's just being used as Sophia's pawn. President Asshole fires him. Željko Ivanek is the bomb. He deserves way better than this show. In fact, in Googling his name for the proper spelling I just found out he won an Emmy for Damages. Hell yeah - he was awesome on that show!

Sean has Vicky contact someone she can trust at Homeland Security to let them know there's a plane full of WMD coming. The plane is diverted and gets a jet escort, but Sophia gets President Asshole to call it off, what with him being her pawn and all. Dumbass.

The Two Idiots figure out that the Alien Courier is a flight attendant. They catch up with her as she's handing it off, and hilariously fight with her and the other guy, but they're pwned. We're supposed to think it's because Vicky lurves Sean and didn't want to shoot him. Excuse me while I puke my guts out at the thought that 2 chicks could be in love with this douche.

As Alien Asian Hottie, Leila, and Michael escape the compound they come under gunfire. Michael earns a gutshot. Leila spares Simon the agony of having to be with her alone and stays behind to watch her father die. Simon runs off to take the antidote to President Underwood.

The Event

From the depths of Siberia comes... a mummy. And from the depths of that mummy comes... guts. It's all well-preserved and makes me want to puke. Who wants ribs? Seriously - looks like a goddamned Chili's in here!

Now to the White House and the Case of the Poisoned Splenda! It's kind of fun watching the VP sweat it out while the President makes his coffee. One sip and he starts speaking like that reporter after the Grammys, and then hits the ground.

Doctors say President Underwood suffered a stroke. The President tells Sterling that he could see something in the VP's eyes before he passed out - he doesn't trust him, and doesn't want him taking the Oath. Sterling sets out to try to prove the VP is a dick. Turns out, the VP is a dick AND a wuss - puking his guts out in the bathroom, feeling guilty.

Back in the Land of Suck, Leila's Daddy kills her big black bodyguard to prevent him from turning her in to Sophia. Wraps him in a trash bag and everything. And on the French Train of Suck, Sean Googles the name Leila gave him and determines it's the name of a ship docked in Siberia.... the ship where a dude's conducting his autopsy of that mummy, and is so inept that he slices his suit open, and is exposed to whatever the mummy's got.

Meanwhile, the President was speaking 3 seconds ago, but I guess a dude goes unconscious and they start talking about pulling the plug and invoking the 25th Amendment. Jesus, they move quickly.

Damn, but that European transportation is really convenient - Sean and Vicky are now in Siberia, boarding the ship like Somali pirates. They look into a cabin to see the crew dead. Good thing there are a couple biohazard suits available nearby! They suit up and check out all the dead people, all lying in blood and vomit. Whatever that mummy has, it's no good.

A lone survivor on the ship tells them that the mummy's lungs - containing Spanish Flu - have been removed, and are being brought to the U.S. by a courier.

Sterling and the Chief of Staff watch surveillance tapes, figure out the coffee was poisoned, but the coffee stain's already being removed from the carpet. Too bad for them, they don't have any proof and the 25th Amendment proceedings begin. And too bad for Sterling he didn't see the coffee stain on his cuff until after they were over. We've got a new President!

The Event

Sophia and the Aliens are working on finding a weapon (have they mentioned this weapon before? Are they killing all of us with it?), and so they need a distraction. And the assassination of President Underwood would be a great distraction. Sophia calls the Vice President and offers him the chance to become President.

Shout-out to NBC for hiring a convicted felon - my man Lane Garrison from Prison Break. I actually do have to respect a guy who pleads guilty for killing someone while drunk. Keep up the good fight, kid - one line today, two tomorrow, then who knows....

Senator Madsen shares with the President her suspicions that the First Lady is an alien. She has a whole file on her to support it. The President's suspicious, and confronts his wife with the file. She comes clean - her parents were aliens -- Dominican aliens, that is. She looks like she's lying.

Leila is a cutter -- she slices her hand open on purpose so that she can leave the house. Not sure how you'd cut your palm like that when slicing an apple, but OK. She's brought to another house that serves as a makeshift hospital, where she sees Alien Asian Hottie tied to a bed. Ah, so it's a kinky hospital. AAH tells Leila that the aliens plan to find a weapon and exterminate mankind, and gives her a name and asks her to help. Oh, you beautiful idiot, she won't be of any help....

The VP meets with Sophia, who has for some reason changed into a slutty dress. What the hell? Think those big cougar cans are going to convince the old man? She offers him the chance to save the United States, to partner with the aliens once the human population is "substantially reduced". He just has to slip the President some poisoned Splenda for his coffee. Ugh.

Back at her house, Leila invites her big black bodyguard in for a drink. She takes his jacket, steals his phone, and goes to take a piss. She calls 9-1-1 but - shocker - isn't of much help, since she doesn't know where she's being held. "It's a housing development and there's woods." Thanks, bitch, that narrows it down. Her bodyguard finds her, fights her, and she somehow gets the upperhand on him and escapes.

That Annoying Prick Sean runs into the burning French building to save Vicky, but Hal Holbrook's waiting for them when they come out. He explains his whole "sentinel" deal to Sean - that he's here to protect humanity from the aliens. He also says that Sean's the key to saving us and stopping Sophia. Oh great. Hal Holbrook then does the one cool thing that's ever happened on this show - he shoots himself in the head!

Sean and Vicky run off into the hills of France with Hal Holbrook's scrolls and fake passports. Thank god there's a cell phone signal in those hills -- Leila gets through to Sean, tells him of the aliens' plans, and that they're looking for a weapon in Siberia.

Something big is pulled from the ground in Siberia, and the President's sweetener is switched - and there's your cliffhanger. Yawn.

The Event

When we last left Sophia, she and the remaining 1/3 of the aliens who weren't bombed into oblivion were traveling through their wormhole portal thing. They end up back in that Alien Cul de Sac, and the government blames the Washington Monument attack on Pakistani terrorists.

Sterling and President Underwood set Alien Asian Hottie up to be revealed as an alien. But AAH gets tipped off by an unknown caller that it's a setup. The mystery caller helps AAH escape the White House.

President Underwood enlists Senator Virginia Madsen to introduce a bill in Congress to get mandatory blood testing for every American so they can uncover other aliens. Damn, that's cold. She suggests having the CDC say there's an outbreak of drug-resistent TB and that every American needs to be tested for it. And they're going to start with a pilot program that tests people in the White House, so they can find any other possible moles. The First Lady refuses to comply, saying she has ethical issues with it. Time to suspect her! I'm sorry - why is the Senator leading this campaign? Is there no Health and Human Services Secretary?

Sophia talks to the remaining aliens and reveals her plans to bring the 2 billion (!) endangered aliens to Earth. Make some room, humans!

Just when I thought we were going to get a break from That Annoying Prick Sean, he's planning his big attack on Hal Holbrook in France. He releases That Chick from his Convenient Blackmail Computer Virus and says he's going to do this on his own -- but no, she's going to go with him. Wow, that's original. Whatever.

In the Land of 1000 Characters, Leila's bitching to her dad about something or other, and still no one seems to care about the little sister who's no longer with them. Screw her, even though Leila crossed the country 3 different times to find her. Alien Asian Hottie comes over and tells Leila's dad that he doesn't want any part of this human extinction plan, and wants Leila and her dad to go with him. Ugh - are you sure, sweetie? You want that dumb chick with you?

Time for a shootout at Hal Holbrook's French compound, where he is reading some ancient scroll from his French Archeological Dig. He explains to That Chick that he's a Sentinel who is here to protect "us" from "them" (points to sky). Sean, meanwhile, escapes the shootout and goes back to the hideout to deal with That Chick's pal, Frency McFrencherson, and make believe he's Jack Bauer, faux-torturing him because he set them up for an ambush and he wants to know where That Chick is being held. You, sir, are no Jack Bauer. Sean nearly pukes while whacking the dude with a hammer. PUSSY! His lame torture tactics work, however, and Frenchy gives up her location.

Leila's dad is as much of an asshole as his daughter is, and tells Sophia about Alien Asian Hottie's plan to run away. She's pissed and has him hauled off somewhere. Hey, wherever it is, it's got to be better than being on a roadtrip with Leila.

The Event

That Annoying Prick Sean and That Chick are on the run from the bumbling, inept Secret Service. Sean makes the "I'll expose your son's location" threat for the 100th time to keep That Chick around. Cuz it's time for a road trip to France!!!!

The Alien Meeting Place is surrounded and ready for a good bombing. President Underwood gives Sophia 10 minutes to get her people to surrender. Sterling wants the aliens kept alive so they can be questioned, but President Underwood really has a hard-on for some alien extermination.

Sophia and Thomas try to get their man to "portal" them out of there. I guess we're making that a verb now? Portal? He doesn't have the fuel required to transport all of the aliens, so instead he makes an earthquake at the White House. And the motherlovin' Washington Monument collapses and gets swallowed up into the ground. Is that all you got? It's just a worthless tourist trap anyway.

Sophia calls back with a demand - get us some buses and a plane or else DC gets destroyed. Alright, so she's not trying to make nice any longer....

That Annoying Prick Sean and That Chick are on a private plane to France - what, no boat that crosses the ocean in 4 hours? She video-chats with her mom to check on her son, and they find out the Washington Monument has been destroyed.

Over in France, Hal Holbrook visits an archeological dig he's been funding. The guy who's doing his digging entered some chamber that he wasn't supposed to, so Hal Holbrook kills him. Then he brings some other guy into the chamber, which leads to a cave painting of guardian angels. One of the symbols matches a tattoo on Hal Holbrook's arm. It's all so shocking!

Thomas and Sophia are doing a lot of talking, but all I'm focused on is this lisp Thomas has developed. Never noticed it before. And now it's ALL I hear. Cuz they're just rambling on and on about leadership and stuff. When Thomas says, "sixty-six years" it makes my skin crawl. They end up hugging and practically making out, so I guess all is forgiven now.

Sterling picks now to remember that Thomas was the lab tech when Alien Asian Hottie had his blood test done and passed as human. Seriously -- he suddenly, conveniently realizes this? Lame.

Hey guess what - Our Favorite Idiots are in France, heading to a safehouse. Good thing she has all these connections that no one uses to track them down. We know it's France because there is soup and baguettes and wine. That Chick and New, Annoying French Dude catch up and tell stupid old stories. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Back at the House of Aliens, Leila is all bitchy with her father. "Is it true? About the Monument?" I know, right? A monument! How dare they!!!! I hope she gets a bullet between those big eyes.

The buses approach the House of Aliens, and Sophia gives her 687th speech about remaining calm and standing strong and showing President Underwood what's what. President Underwood and Sterling decode a phone conversation between Alien Asian Hottie and Sophia (I missed that entire process, but I'm sure it was pointless and out-of-nowhere) where she tells him that she's bluffing and doesn't have the fuel to destroy DC just yet. President Hard-On For War orders a bus bombing. The first bus (the one that contains all the no-name aliens) is destroyed.

And now Portal Guy has enough fuel to "portal" one bus only!! Thomas tells him to save Sophia's bus. Her bus (which conveniently also contains Leila) is whisked away to safety while Thomas's blows the eff up. Finally - no more lisp.

The Event

Thomas receives a response to the message he sent - that something terrible happened back home. He calls Sophia to tell her that the message is game-changing, and they all need to gather to discuss.

Hal Holbrook is picking out "special" girls at the playground, in the creepiest old man way possible.

That Annoying Prick Sean demands to know who The Chick is working for. He threatens the release of her family's address on the internet. Guess what - there are a lot of addresses on the internet. Jesus Christ. But this works, and she tells him Hal Holbrook's name, and that the Vice President was behind the assassination attempt.

They drive to see the VP in Washington (no, really). From a diner, Sean hacks the guest list to a DC party (sure, right) and then next thing you know Sean and That Chick are barging into some random couple's room and assuming their identity for the party (fingerprints and all - Jesus Christ, this show). That Sean - his hacking knows no bounds.

They get into the party and confront the VP with their plastic gun -- they want the proof to put away Hal Holbrook. Sean puts the gun all up in the VP's neck and is all "I'm a crazy guy! I'll do anything!" Douche. The VP says Hal Holbrook is in France. Perfect - Sean should be able to drive there in 3 hours.... The Secret Service bust in and Sean and That Chick get away. Of course they do. On the road to France, no doubt.

Meanwhile, the Government finds out Sophia's location, and follow her to the Alien Meeting To Discuss The Message That Must Be Discussed In-Person. Leila follows her Alien Guardian too so now she's in the meeting. I hope the Government decides to bomb the place!

And this all-important message that came from the Home Planet? Their Sun has started going supernova, and the planet is less than a year from being uninhabitable. Time to bring everyone to Earth.

Marines swarm the building, preparing to attack. Build up. Suspense. And then nothing.

Guess what happened in this episode? Nothing. They keep teasing that damn image of the Washington Monument crumbling - bring it on, dammit!

The Event

Thomas and the aliens he broke out of the Alaskan prison are riding through some neighborhood in a bunch of big, black SUVs. Apparently they own all the homes in this little subdivision. He wants everyone to work on the portal to bring other aliens here.

Sterling's back at work already. Damn. I guess it makes sense - he looks like a zombie already, so he probably doesn't need his blood. Alien Asian Hottie sure does have a lot of access to the President. How the hell does he get to sit at the table? What's his job again?

Michael drops his miserable daughters off with some couple, the female of whom is Andrea from 90210 and the male of whom is an alien. Then Michael and Sophia go to meet up with this dude who has half of his face melted off to try to find Thomas. They torture him until he spills that he's supplying Thomas with uranium to power the array, and that he plans to get the uranium from a nuclear power plant. Turns out, Melted Face and Thomas have tried this before - with Chernobyl. Dun dun DUN! Sophia tells the President so they can work to remove the uranium from the facility.

I can't even discuss Leila digging through an overnight bag to find her sister's blanket. A blanket that took up the whole overnight bag. I get the feeling sometimes that actress doesn't know what to do with her hands. I hate her. I also hate That Annoying Prick Sean, who is drowning his sorrows at a bar. The chick next to him actually says to the pushy guy she's with, "You're not the boss of me!" - really? people who aren't 5 say that? - and Sean intervenes in their fight. Much crappy "fighting" ensues. And then he breaks into a woman's house and eats from her refrigerator. Wait. I feel like I lost time somewhere there - he just left the bar I guess? He knows this woman, but I don't know who she is. He wants her help to run away to Mexico. Careful, dude, they behead people there. Actually, go for it, Sean! Let me help you!

The government works on moving the nuclear material, but Thomas had set that whole thing up precisely so that they WOULD move it - and so they can hijack the truck. And Melted Face is really good at breaking out of handcuffs using electrical wire from a live outlet whilst not getting electrocuted. As Thomas and his crew descend upon the convoy, Melted Face attacks Sophia (Thomas told him to kill her). Michael comes in and kills Melted Face, and Thomas is successful in getting the uranium out of Alien Asian Hottie's incapable hands. (Seriously, what is his job!? Now he's escorting uranium!?)

Hey, remember that sexy brunette chick who was working with D.B. Sweeney and Hal Holbrook? Yeah, I don't really either. But Sean does and he shows up at her house too. He really likes breaking into chicks' houses - good thing they all live near each other, huh? He wants to know who she works for, how to stop them, blah blah blah.

This show is such a pointless mess!

The Event

So this show is back. Great. For 2 hours tonight. Greater.

The aliens launched a communications satellite to send a message into deep space. The government works to figure out what they said, because the satellite self-destructed right after. They've got the first line of the message: "Preparations are being made for your arrival." AWESOME! See, cuz I like this show in concept -- and when it's not about That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend. Have they died yet?

Sophia and Alien Asian Hottie are working to figure out where Thomas is so they can stop him from doing whatever the hell it is he's doing. Who knows. He's in Tibet, where they're working on some huge communications array.

Virginia Madsen has joined the cast as the meddling wife-now-Senator of a dead Senator from Alaska, who insists on sticking her nose into just what the hell is going on at that alien prison in her state. President Underwood puts her in her place and tells her to mind her business.

Bad news! That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend are alive, and still sorting through the burned case files that prove her dad's an alien. She just assumes it's all some vast Photoshop conspiracy. Some chick shows up and there's lots of horrible tough-guy acting. Putting your hand around a chick's throat doesn't make you Jack Bauer, Sean. Ass. The chick doesn't really tell them much, other than that Leila and her sister are special because their father doesn't age at a normal rate. Yeah, thanks - we get it - he's an alien. Also, her sister was taken away in a white van.

Leila's father, Michael, is freed from his prison transport van by Alien Asian Hottie. He's a bit of a pariah in the alien community, not just because he piloted the plane that nearly killed Sophia, but also because he was never supposed to have those dumb daughters of his.

That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend find that white van awfully quickly. What ensues is a laughably-poor-quality car chase/ramming. I've seen better car chases on old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard. It's 2011, bitches. They save Leila's sister and run. Awesome - now they have a kid dragging them down! Actually, they could probably use the brainpower....

As a condition for helping Sophia find Thomas, Michael insists on seeing his daughters, so they rendezvous in an oil field somewhere. Seriously. And Leila treats her dad like he's contagious. Newsflash, bitch - if he's an alien, so are you. Was he supposed to bring it up when you were in kindergarten or something? Die.

Thomas and Friends break into the Alaskan alien prison to free all of their pals. Director Sterling is there for a visit, so Thomas is excited to take his ass out. Sterling's good with a gun though, so he puts up a fight. He gets shot in the back/rib area, and eventually captured, but is still pretty badass. He even escapes after a good beating and another gunshot wound. And now he's in an Alaskan blizzard, bleeding everywhere. That can't be good.

Sophia and Sean are talking in a kitchen. Wait - did I fall asleep? How did this happen? She lets him know what's at stake - if Thomas is able to get all the aliens down to the Lower 48, the U.S. (if not the world) is going to be destroyed.

Leila's Alien Father tells her that the aliens are from a place called NGC253. "What am I?" Leila yells. Really, sweetie? You're a freak. Duhhhhh. He tells her they have to get out of here (wherever here is - still the oil field?) -- but that Sean can't come with them, cuz he knows too much already. Plus he's annoying.

Senator Madsen goes on Hardball to discuss the Alaskan prison. She takes calls during commercial breaks, and President Underwood calls her to get her to shut up. Really? She A) is taking calls on set and B) has a freaking microphone on while talking with the President. Add those together with Chris Matthews, and he should really be pushing harder to get at what this "secret government program" is. She gives him some political soundbite-speak answer.

Sean leaves while Leila's sleeping, I guess so she doesn't have to make the choice between his dumb ass and her father's dumb ass. Now he's off wandering around again, and Hal Holbrook wants to find him for some reason. Who the hell knows.

BUT THE WORST PART OF THIS WHOLE THING? THEY ARE USING A LINKIN PARK SONG OVER THE "THIS SEASON ON THE EVENT" CLIPS. NOOOOOO!!!! Leave Linkin Park out of this, you bastards. You've done enough.

The Event

The dude who was after Leila comes to and Sean threatens to kill him if he doesn't get answers. Only we all know he won't pull the trigger. Instead, he injects the guy with a syringe the guy had on him, a syringe meant for Leila. It makes the dude age. Too bad Leila wasn't injected - we could be rid of her quicker.

The Newly-Old Dude says they need to go to Willow Brook Hospital, but then he dies. So That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend head there, hoping to find Leila's sister. It's a mental hospital where the employees play fast and loose with privacy rules - Leila easily find a list of patients and pretends one of them is her aunt so they can enter the facility.

Sean snoops around while Leila asks the crazy woman if there are any kids at the hospital. But Sean is quickly caught, in one of those poorly-lit back hallways that all hospitals have. As they are escorted off the premises, another patient yells to them that there are indeed kids there, that he can hear them under the floor. Guess they'll need to find a way back in.

Aaaaaand, of course they do - they sneak in at night while the janitor's taking out trash. In the elevator, Sean uses the key card with the triangle on it to access lower floors. More poorly-lit hallways - the kind where the lights are flickering. Oh, show, you love the cliches. They find a bunch of rooms that have been recently- and hurriedly-vacated by children. Leila makes the smart move of screaming her sister's name, running the hall and trying to find her. She finds a room where "LEILA" is written on the wall. IDK, if I'm kidnapped I'm not going to write my sister's name on the wall. This girl must be just as smart as her sister.

They pick through some burned case files and luckily find one mostly intact. It's a file on that kidnapped-kid's father - containing multiple photos that show the dad hasn't aged. And there's another intact file - Leila's dad's. He's an alien dun-dun-duuuuun. It's really helpful that all of these photos are dated with a handwritten label. Thank god.

President Underwood and Sterling visit the VP in the hospital. The VP pulls the whole, "I have a head injury, I don't recall" bit when asked who was behind the assassination attempt. They're pulled away for a national security emergency - a missile has been discovered on satellite photos, in some fake country. Or at least no country I've ever heard of. Sterling says it's got to be terrorists making the missile.

Meanwhile, Sophia, Thomas, Alien Asian Hottie, and Thomas's duplicitous girlfriend from last week are hanging out. That chick shot herself in the knee last week - why are they making her sit on the ground Indian-style doing some weirdass tea ceremony? Hasn't she been through enough?

Sophia is suspicious of Thomas and his GF, and wants AAH to follow the money, find out what Thomas is up to. AAH finds Thomas's banker dead in his bathtub. Well, that's one way to get rid of the money trail.

As the President, et al. watch satellite video of the missile installation (it's a Middle Eastern country, natch), we see that Thomas and his GF are the ones behind it. The special effects are... special... as the missile is launched. The U.S. isn't the target though, and the missile isn't carrying the nuclear payload they thought it was. Instead, what they've done is launch a communications satellite. Thomas is phoning home.

Hey, whatever happened to those crappy flashbacks this show used to have? I mean, they were crappy, but at least be consistent.

The Event

A signal is sent out to the aliens living among us (via text message, natch), and they all gather in a hotel ballroom with Thomas and Sophia, like they're having a goddamned conference. There are a lot of them.

Sophia lays out the plan to go home, but most of the aliens like Earth just fine, thank you very much. Thomas is banging a fellow alien who wants him to be the leader... and shoot his own mother in the face. There's a super long, boring setup, as Thomas and Mommy travel to pick up some part that's vital to their returning home. Just shoot this Botoxed bitch in the face already! Surprise, surprise - he can't kill Mommy, even for a sweet piece of cougar ass and all the power in the world.

In exchange for her betrayal, Sophia gives the cougar a choice: be ostracized from the alien community or shoot yourself in the knee. Shoot yourself in the knee? What kind of deal is that? She shoots herself in the knee. The Mama's Boy watches from the car.

That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend call his FBI agent buddy (remember her?) to discuss the missing girls. FBI agent says that one missing girl recently returned home. How convenient! Time to hit the road once again and drive to Tulsa!

Sean and Leila talk to the girl's mother, and then the little girl comes out, saying she knows Leila's sister. But her overprotective parents freak out and kick Sean and Leila out. That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend then do an absolutely horrific job of following the family when they drive off. Like, way to be obvious, lurking at the bottom of the driveway and following one car length behind.

When they stop at a gas station, Leila confronts the mom and girl in the bathroom to try to talk some sense into them without Daddy Buttinsky around. It's then that we see the girl's face clearly, and she looks like an old woman. The girl says that they were being held at a hospital, and that there was a triangle symbol on the drugs the kids were shot up with. Also, there was a water tower. I'm guessing Leila and Sean will put this together in 6 seconds, like they always do.

But Hal Holbrook sent someone after the girl as well, and he's doing a shite job of casually following as well. In the ensuing chase - a chase which leads from the gas station through a field of dead corn stalks - Sean takes on the gunman, even with his wasn't-it-just-severe injury.

Oh but wait - he wasn't there for the little old girl -- he was there for Leila. So Leila was "the girl that got away" - whatevs.

In other news, the VP isn't dead yet. Snore. Ooooo Fall Finale next week - goody!

The Event

We're blaming Brazil for the airplane disaster? Really? Brazil? The government/media is also telling us that Daddy the Pilot died, even though he's currently being interrogated by President Underwood. Damn, the President does his own interrogating of suspects now? The Pilot tells him that the people who forced him to pilot the plane almost didn't go through with it, but got a go-ahead call at 8:01 PM - a few minutes after the President's alien briefing meeting ended. In flashback, we see that the VP gave Hal Halbrook the order to go ahead with the assassination attempt. Of course he did, those VPs are always wily jackasses.

It doesn't take the President long to figure out the VP was against him, but knows that someone else has to be pulling the strings. The VP is a runaway though (like, literally, he slipped his Secret Service detail), so the President won't get a chance to interrogate him next.

That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend are still on the run I guess. Sean gets shot, but it's not in the head - GODDAMMIT! - so he's OK. He talks His Dumb Girlfriend through starting a car with a screwdriver. I don't think I could do that even with a diagram. Sean can't go to the hospital since he's a wanted man. Fingers crossed he bleeds out!! So Dumb Girlfriend kidnaps a doctor at gunpoint. She's a smart one.

Hey, when did they end up in Atlanta? That Dumb Bitch takes the doctor in to a Walgreens to stock up on surgical supplies. I love how the pharmacist barely flinches when the doctor orders the stuff. Is it that common for doctors to buy their own supplies at Walgreens? By the time they come back out to the car, Sean is gone. I guess he saw the Atlanta PD and decided bleeding out on the street was a better option than just laying low in the car? That's where the doctor and Leila find him - bleeding out in an alley. Well, this is as good a place as any to perform surgery. And with Dumb Girlfriend as the Dumb Physician's Assistant! The doctor can't find the artery. Yeah, no shit - it's dark outside and you're in an alley with no lighting. Oy vey. The Miracle Doctor stitches him up and, after 3 stitches, pronounces that he'll be fine. Awesome.

The President has a crystal dish shaped like the Capitol filled with what looks like black and white jellybeans on his desk. I find myself fascinated by this.

Hal Holbrook orders the Assassin Chick to kill the VP. He had a whole conversation with the VP earlier, but I was more fascinated by the jellybeans, so I didn't pay attention to it. And even though he's a runaway, Assassin Chick finds him. But she doesn't kill him, instead she wants to work with the VP to turn in Hal Holbrook.

The VP, being the weak douche he is, calls President Underwood and says he's turning himself in, that he thought he was doing what was right for the country. He only says that "Eli" is involved - and then he's killed (presumably) by a car bomb, Hal Holbrook's backup plan.

At the very end, we see Hal Holbrook stand before a mirror, reverse-age, and then age again. WTF. Hey that reminds me - what about those freaky girls from last week?

The Event

Alien Asian Hottie is injured but not dead, and Sterling goes to visit him, intent on finding out who the mole is. He's still unconscious, but The Dude in the Trunk is discovered and tells everyone that Simon is the bad guy. Sterling decides to investigate a bit, and notices that Simon hasn't aged since he was hired. He's not just a mole - he's an alien! Time for a DNA test, and time for Thomas to go in and switch out the blood samples. At the same time, another alien mole plants incriminating evidence at the coffeeshop with The Dude in the Trunk's fingerprints. It's all so convenient how everyone knows what everyone else is doing and how to stop it.

Simon regains consciousness, and Sterling tells him that he passed his DNA test, and that Murphy is the mole. Shouldn't they now DNA test that dude to confirm? No? Well, I guess if they did someone would just swoop in and change the samples anyway.

In the Land of People I Cannot Stomach, the reporter tells That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend all of her alien conspiracy theories, and digs through Dumb Girlfriend's dad's stuff. She finds a list of names and numbers - which of course they determine are codes, codes that That Annoying Prick Sean can crack.

You know what I'd love? If he worked really hard to figure out what the code was but then it turned out that it wasn't anything. Just a list. Alas, The Reporter takes them to one of those high-tech conspiracy dudes who has some kind of great encrypted system that will help Sean. The names are girls who have gone missing and the numbers refer to shell corporations. Mmm-kay.

Wait - Hal Holbrook is alive? He must be -- because he's on this show -- but I'd swear he died a year ago. He's the dude behind DB Sweeney and the whole Let's Kidnap Leila and/or Sean Movement. One of his teams hunts Sean and Leila down just after they crack the code, but those two wily idiots escape, albeit separated from The Conspiracy Nuts.

Dumb Girlfriend's sister is still alive, being held with other little girls -- but they're not just little girls! They're like deformed freaky people! OK, that actually scared me.

Over on the alien side of things, we learn that Sophia is Thomas's mother. They need some nuclear material in order to transport themselves back home.

Pointless Flashback of the Week: 14 years ago, Sterling was in love with a chick who turned out to be a Russian spy. When he got the heads-up from his daddy (who was also in the CIA), he confronted her and wanted to run away with her. But of course she wasn't having any of it. She didn't love you for your looks, you jackass. As she tried to run away, his daddy shot and killed her, letting Sterling take the credit for catching her.

The Event

Sophia follows Thomas's instructions on the Metro, but the government is tracking her through some isotope they put in her food. Alien Asian Hottie gets word of this and ingeniously puts that same isotope into the creamer at a coffee shop, so now the government doesn't know which one to track. What's not so ingenious about that plan is that there's a limited number of people who have access to the isotope.

Someone is sent out to test Alien Asian Hottie and his men to see who stole the isotope (it would still give off radiation). In order to avoid the test, Alien Asian Hottie smacks the dude upside the head with his radiation-testing-briefcase and throws him in the trunk of a car. Pwned.

The government finds Sophia on a street camera and tracks her to a warehouse where she meets up with Thomas. AAH shows up too and is all, "Thomas, they're right outside, they're coming" to which Thomas is all, "It's cool, don't worry." The ground starts to shake. Thomas and Sophia escape down some hatch in the floor, but AAH stays behind to help a fallen FBI agent. The ground opens up, a bright light coming through, but AAH gets his man out. He's not as lucky, as the building crumbles down on top of him.

That Annoying Prick Sean and his dumb girlfriend haven't showered yet. Gross. That would be Priority #1 for me after a rescue. He breaks the news to Leila that her mom was killed and her sister's missing. Too bad this chick isn't a good enough actress to adequately portray "anguish" or "shock".

Leila decides she needs to find out the truth about why her dad would be involved in the whole mess, so Sean drives her to her parents' house. Wait - were they in the same state? Why does this show insist on quickly transporting people places with absolutely zero transition!? I hate it!

After digging around in the attic, they find a convenient file folder full of maps and articles about the old crash in Alaska. Some bitch shows up just as they're flipping through it, with a gun, telling them to put it down. Who the hell is this bitch? She's a journalist who tried to expose the Alien Alaska Conspiracy. And she sounds hella nuts and is annoying as hell.

Tonight's flashbacks feature Alien Asian Hottie in the 1950s, in swim trunks, with a girl he loves, until he's taken away by Thomas and called into service. He predictably meets up with that chick years later, when she's old and "senile". All I know is, Alien Asian Hottie had better not be dead or what the hell was the point to this show anyway? (From the previews, he's not dead, so that's awesome. Now if only we could get rid of Sean and Leila.)

The Event

Oy vey. They gave The Event a full season pickup. Guess I'll watch it. It's not like I have anything else to do.

The zombie passengers are still bleeding from the nose and some of them are freaking the eff out. Thomas calls the President to tell him he has the antidote to save the passengers... if the President releases Sophia and the rest of the aliens from their Alaskan prison. Thomas's voice freaks me out. It sounds really familiar, but I can't place it. Maybe he sounds like Ghostface from Scream? He has a similar cadence. I don't know.

At any rate, we don't negotiate with terrorists. Or do we? Yes, we do, because eventually the President tells Thomas that if he doesn't give them the antidote he's going to execute Sophia and the aliens. Oh snap!!! You just got served!!! This President has some balls. Now I like him.

When his Security Dude tells him how it's gonna be hella easy to kill everyone - they just have to seal off the living quarters and pump in some carbon monoxide - he seems to start to back down, but nope - he's all in. Do it.

Alien Asian Hottie tells Sophia what's about to happen - seriously, do these people just fly to Alaska on a whim??? Do they have a transporter???? - so Sophia's all, "Order Thomas to give them the antidote." AAH zips back down to the Continental U.S., but Thomas isn't having it. He doesn't take orders from that C up in Alaska!

Or does he? Because Thomas calls the President: "I'll give you the antidote if you just release Sophia." Wow, we are quite literally negotiating here. He tells the President to put Sophia on the Metro at the Farragut North station. Oh hells yes!!! That's my station!!!! (I'm suddenly paying attention to this show, because I love random things like that.) Sure, once they go into the Metro, it's hella phony, but they did still have the Red Line going to Glenmont, which is accurate.

That Annoying Prick Sean recharges his phone and gets Leila's message. He calls her at the police station, but of course his cell phone starts to go out. Then Leila notices the screensaver picture slideshow on the cop's computer - starring the real cop and his family. She also sees a spot of blood on the floor, so that smart cookie knows exactly what's happening. She tries to escape, but can't get out. Aaaaand now she's back to being locked up.

Sean, His Horrible Facial Hair, and the Female FBI Agent drive up to the station, where of course Vicky and DB Sweeney are hiding. In the meantime, he has a convenient friend conveniently trace Vicky's cell phone, which he's conveniently tracked to their exact location. Sean texts Vicky a picture of her son. So she calls him back and he's all, "I'm gonna put your kid's picture and address all over the internet unless you let me get Leila." Perv.

That weird threat works, because when Sean walks into the station, Vicky fires on everyone else and lets Sean get away with Leila (and an injured DB Sweeney, just for kicks).

Tonight's Flashbacks: Thomas and the Alien Asian Hottie leave the crash site back in the 1940's. Thomas worked on the Manhattan Project and helped speed up the process of developing the nuclear bomb. Also, Vicky got her son when she assassinated everyone in the house the baby lived in, and then decided to keep it. Interesting. Not.

You know what this show would be better without? 1. Flashbacks. 2. Sean.

The Event

Sean and the Female FBI Agent drive off, chased by the Phony FBI Agent. She shoots the phony dude in the neck as they drive. Booyah! Female FBI Agent wants revenge for all her dead buddies, so she wants to work with Sean to find that Kidnapping Bitch, Vicky. Guess what my main problem with this show is? I don't like Sean. He's a boring, whiny thing with awful facial hair. So I really don't care what happens to him. Or his girlfriend, who is currently tied up in a basement somewhere. Lucky for her, D.B. Sweeney drops a bottle on the floor and leaves some glass shards behind. Well, duh, wonder what she'll do with those?

The now-living, once-dead passengers of the flight are being questioned, but can't remember anything about the flight. The pilot remembers that the chick who threatened to kill his daughter - and forced him to fly the plane - was named Vicky.

The President gets a call from someone claiming to be responsible for pulling the plane from the sky. He wants all of the aliens released, or this time people will die. Vague threat is vague. So the President questions Sophia, telling her that he knows she killed one of her own that had planned to talk. Sophia tells him that the alien responsible is Thomas - a charismatic, intelligent, impulsive leader. She's all, You better do what he says.

That Annoying Prick Sean hacks into the National Intelligence Database to search for Kidnapping Bitch's aliases. They make some kind of leap that leads them to think she's in a house nearby. As they head for the door, this is clearly a Silence of the Lambs-style fakeout, but I appreciate the show for trying. Not. Sure enough, they've got the wrong house. Kidnapping Bitch isn't there, but her mother and son are. Jesus, but this show is full of plot contrivances. Good thing that kid was there, unsupervised, and good thing Sean was wandering around the house and ran into him, and good thing Sean had a picture of Vicky to show to the kid. They confront Vicky's mother and she gives them a phone number for Vicky.

Now we're back with the formerly-dead passengers, and they're all having nosebleeds. Well, that can't be good.

Just as she's about to be executed, Leila fights back, shoots at Vicky, and escapes. She finds a cop, who takes her to the local po-dunk station. It turns out that the kidnappers had set up her escape. They wanted her to call Sean, which she did. She had to leave him a message, though, because his cell phone battery is dead.

Tonight's flashbacks are of Sniveling Idiot Sean having Thanksgiving with Leila and her parents. They went a little something like this: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

So what the hell do I do with this show? I don't care about any of the characters, and I find most of them annoying. Plus, when the show ended tonight I didn't realize it was actually the end and I was all, "That's it?" So I'm thinking that means I'm done with it.

The Event

As Sean and the FBI are getting ready to leave the scene of the plane crash, they're hit by an RV for some reason. Sean pulls the female agent from the car but everyone else involves is smooshed dead and then lit on fire. When don't Hollywood car crashes end in explosions?

While the FBI agent was unconscious, Sean got into her computer and downloaded a picture of the chick who kidnapped Leila onto it. He wants the FBI to run facial recognition software on it to find out who this chick is. In order to do that, he hides out in her trunk and sneaks into the FBI server room. Suuuuuuure. Aliens, I'll believe. Easily sneaking into the FBI and hacking into their facial recognition program? No.

The Chick Sean Wants To Facially Recognize is driving with Leila in the back of a Rape Van when she's pulled over by a cop, whom she promptly kills. In the meantime, she's in the FBI system under multiple aliases.

President Underwood heads to the site of the plane crash landing, seeing all of the passengers scattered across the desert. He then heads to see Sophia, to confront her about the existence of the other aliens, and his suspicion that they're the ones responsible for the deaths of the passengers. She won't snitch. He's all, Whatever, bitch, I just told everyone up at that Alaskan prison that I'll free whoever gives me the info I want.

And sure enough, someone takes him up on his offer. The Alien Dude meets with the Director of National Intelligence, but demands to get his girlfriend out of the prison too before he'll give up the details. So his girlfriend is released.... and promptly kills him. Sophia had asked that the Alien Dude be "dealt with harshly" and I guess his GF doesn't take kindly to tattletales.

U.S. Intelligence is beyond intelligent, figuring out who Sean is and that he may have a role in the crash. They connect those dots REALLY fast. Agents from "the Washington field office" come to transfer Sean, but they're not really the good guys (they work for the Kidnapping Bitch), there's a shootout, and Sean and the Female FBI Agent drive off.

In the end, at the temporary morgue for the crash victims, the passengers start to sit up, coming back to life. ZOMBIES!?!? That's kind of cool.