Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Design a dramatic, luxurious look to be featured in the production of Godspell on Broadway.  Gayest challenge everrrr!

There's no drama in this one.  Unless I missed it whilst updating my Netflix queue, but I don't think so. I hadn't updated my queue in forever.  I've had the first disc of Modern Family for a good 6 months; I think it's time to send it back already.

I loved Kenley's mixed prints and great coat.  Austin's was meh, but appropriate for the challenge.  Mondo blew me away with his look - theatrical but still bohemian and cool and wearable.  Mila's was gross. Lame and gaudy and gross.

Winner: Mondo.  Yay!  For once the judges agree with me!

Bye-bye: Kara.  Awww, poor Kara.  It wasn't as gross as Mila's, but it still sucked.

Fringe

Peter's all, WTF you kissed me.  And Olivia is all, WTF I kissed you.  She starts getting flashes of Real Olivia's memories.

Freak of the Week: Schizophrenic in a mental hospital psychically observes 3 other dudes breaking into a house and murdering a guy.  The voices in his head aren't his, but are actually other people's.  Evidence shows that one of the guys he had the telepathic link to is his brother.  They were both fathered by a sperm donor.  And that dude made a lot of donations, because Schizoid Dude hears all kinds of people - 200 to be exact.

The fertility doctor was doing genetic experiments on all of these embryos back in the day, trying to make a better human being.  These grown hive-mind bee-babies are now instinctively protecting themselves from being exposed by killing journalists who were investigating the doctor.  They attack Peter and Olivia while they're investigating.  Some others kill the fertility doctor/sperm donor.  Once the doctor/daddy is dead, Schizoid Dude can't hear his brothers anymore.

Walter meets with Nina Sharp because he discovers Olivia has been dosed with Cortexiphan.   Nina's the only one with access to the stuff.  They take a look in the vault and Walter figures out the real stuff is missing.

Olivia gets full-on Olivia memories by 15 minutes in.  Peter's distrusting (and how can he not be -- he already cheated on one Olivia with another Olivia, I can't imagine the repercussions if he cheated with a third).  Olivia loves the feeling of being in love with Peter, but is sad when he's not returning the feelings.  It really is quite tragic.  But eventually Peter can't deny it and knows it's his Olivia and they kiss at a gas station.  Let's get it on!!  But first she has to pee.  It's seriously adorable and real to hear someone say that. :) 

Peter goes to find her in the gas station and she's not there.  We see her waking up, looking disheveled and tied to a chair... and Nina's there with her.  Awesome ending!!  So what the hell?  Is that the real Nina with Walter?  Is this another universe?  Did someone jump?  I don't know and I love it.

This Week's Code: HENRY.  OMG Henry - the Fauxlivia and Peter baby!!!

Justified

Boyd buries Devil, but snags his cell phone first.  He knows that there are some big-time people behind Devil's betrayal, and he's scared -- tells Ava he's worried they can't handle it.

I'll just say again how much I love domestic Raylan and Winona.  He comes home at 2 in the morning and she's OK with it, offering him a beer.  They love each other.  It's great.  It'll end badly.  Or you know what would be really unexpected?  If it didn't.

Dewey wakes up in a bathtub spattered with blood, with massive stitches in his stomach, missing 2 kidneys.  The prison nurse has them in a Ziploc bag.  In order to get his kidneys back, Dewey has 4 hours to steal cash to buy them back.  Jesus, it's Crank: Harlan Edition.

He tries an appliance store (but they mostly get paid with credit cards), then a strip club -- at 10 in the morning.  He knocks over a laundromat and a convenience store... and when he runs from the owner's gun, he ends up choosing the wrong door - and ending up in a closet.  Dummy.  He and Raylan have a hilarious conversation through the door, and they determine that Dewey can still piss.  He has his kidneys after all. (Though of course Dewey's first thought is, "I've got 4 kidneys!?" - he's a riot.)

So the prison nurse has a co-conspirator/girlfriend, a nurse at the hospital who works with transplants -- and causes the prison guard to have a stroke and die.  Once Raylan catches up to them at their house, the prison nurse injects Raylan in the arm and knocks him out.  Aw, shit.  In the end, the girl shoots the prison nurse and is about to kill Raylan when he shoots her - through the dead guy on top of him.  Pwned.

Quarles meets with Boyd, and says they'll make a lot more money together than as enemies.  It's interesting to see Boyd in the vulnerable position! Boyd doesn't give in though, and warns Quarles that Northerners have tried this kind of thing before.  Meanwhile, Bubba's paying white girls to be his spies in Harlan and keep him apprised of what's going on with Quarles and Boyd.

When Raylan comes home this time, the house is dark.  And there's a note waiting for him in the kitchen.  We don't get to see it.  Oh god, Winona, what have you done?  So much for that happy ending.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

Dustin and Heather get sent home because Dustin busted his knee and had to get stitches.  Damn, they just drop them without ceremony around here.  What's most amazing is that Dustin wasn't drunk when he hurt himself.  How are there not more drunken injuries on this show?

The challenge involves general-knowledge questions.  I don't think these people have general knowledge.  Shocking news: Paula can spell "calculator" but thinks John Wilkes Booth killed JFK.

Power Couple: Dunbar and Paula.  Yeah, cuz they're the smartest.

The Dome: Emily and Ty are sent in to go against losers Leroy and Naomi.  It's some giant rubber band challenge, and it's painful to watch because they're working against so much resistance.

Bye-bye: Leroy and Naomi.  And now Emily and Ty are coming back pissed that they were thrown in.

Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Design a sportswear look for a weekend getaway, for an assigned season.  It's a head-to-head thing, where the 2 designers working in the same season compete against each other.  For pride, I guess.

Jerell accuses Michael of copying his look (cuz he pretty much does).  And in Mondo v. Kenley, it's the Battle of the Polka Dots.

Spring - I don't like Austin's high-waisted pants, but I never like high-waisted pants.  The model looked old.  Kara's is pretty simple, but flowy and cool.  Judges' decision: Kara.

Summer - I love both Mondo's and Kenley's.  Judges' decision: Kenley.  They made Mondo cry, godammit!!! 

Autumn - Rami's design was lovely, especially considering I don't think of him as an Autumn sportswear designer.  The colors were gross, especially that green.  Mila's was cape-y.  Judges' decision: Mila.  Boo.

Winter - Jerell and Michael really did have similar looks and similar colors and fabrics.  Judges' decision: Jerell, but they loved them both.

Winner: Jerell.  Well, it's true -- he did finally make something that looked good.

Bye-bye: Rami.  Damn, because at first I thought his design was beautiful -- but then the judges pointed out a million things wrong with it.  Screw you, judges!

Fringe

Freak of the Week: On a road in Vermont, cars suddenly lose power and a plane crashes.

Peter and Walter think the machine is just about ready to get Peter home.  Olivia's going to miss Peter, because she has started having hot sex dreams about him.  And Walter's actually leaving the lab, all confident and adorable. 

The team is investigating in the small Vermont town, where you can't get a cell phone signal, pie bakers are murderous, and you literally can't leave -- you think you're driving out, but suddenly you're driving back in.  This is reminding me of some classic episode of The X-Files, and I love when Fringe is like that.

People in the town are wigging out because they're essentially switching back and forth between parallel-universe versions of themselves.  The universes are merging together in parts, and most of the people (the ones with doppelgangers in the same town in the other universe) are all schizophrenic and violent as a result.  That's cool.  I love abandoned-town-goes-crazy plots.

Soon the outdoors starts merging as well.  They're even attacked by a merged guy with 2 faces and it's EPIC!!!  Peter and Walter work together to figure out where the center of the disturbance is.  Much like the eye of a hurricane, it's a safe spot.  The team and the normal town residents hide out in a bike shop, while a storm of merging universes passes.  After it's gone, there's nothing but empty land where the town used to be. 

The town was a David Robert Jones experiment.  At the end, Peter goes to see Olivia and she's all, "It's Friday, I got Damiano's" and kisses him.  His Olivia is back!  Ish!!

I loved this episode because we had the team working together again, the Bishops being all familial and awesome, and my afore-mentioned love for these crazy-town plots.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He invents a hot cinnamon roll breakfast cocktail made with butter.  WINNNNNNNNNNNNN.

This Week's Code: OLIVE.

Justified

Devil has a meeting with Quarles.  Oh god, this won't be good.  Sure enough, Q wants Boyd gone, and promises Devil everything he wants to hear.  God, I hate Devil's smug face. He gives that bitch-face to everyone. Ass.

Back in prison, Dickie and Dewey get the shit kicked out of them so the guard can help break them out.  Well, it was just supposed to be Dickie but, as always, you just can't get rid of Dewey.  They stowaway in a morgue transport.  Dewey hilariously flips out inside the body bag, squirming all over the ground like a giant worm.  OMG, Dewey is a trip.

Raylan visits Loretta.  LORETTA!!!!!!!!  He wants to see if she knows anything about Mags's money.  All she knows is Bubba has it, so Raylan and Rachel pay him a visit, figuring Dickie will be coming by to get his cash.  The marshalls set up a roadblock at the bridge to Bubba's holler, so Dickie has to get Bubba to come to him with the money. 

Raylan visits his BFF Boyd at his bar.  (Boyd senses "a disturbance in the force" - love it.)  Boyd tells him that a guard was likely part of the breakout.  Raylan catches the guard as he's bringing food back to the motel.  The guard pulls on Raylan - they all try to pull on Raylan - and Raylan hits him with his car.  The dude has the audacity to get up -- arms all disjointed, wrist pointing the wrong direction -- and try again.  So Raylan backs over him.  Dumb guard.  While Raylan looks for them in the motel room, Dickie, Dewey, and the rest of the guard's gang (including the prison medic) give him the slip.  They leave the injured guard behind, of course.

So Raylan finds out they're planning to get the money at Mags's old general store.  Miss that thing.  Miss Mags.  Bubba and his boy meet them there, having sneaked out via an old Underground Railroad tunnel.  They shoot the miscellaneous guys dead and give Dickie his money.  It's way short of the over $3 million Dickie was expecting, so he rejects the money, and Bubba leaves with it.

By the time Raylan gets there, Dickie passes it off as if he was the one who killed the guys he was with.  What's he up to?  And meanwhile, Dewey's being knocked unconscious and possibly harvested for organs.  That's what it looks like the prison medic is looking to do anyway, and it wouldn't really surprise me.

Devil talks to Johnny about his discontent with Boyd and their financial situation, and the new avenue he wants to pursue with Quarles.  So help me god, these boys better stay away from my man!!!  In the end, they confront Boyd.  I'm freaking out because, let's face it, killing Boyd early in the season is some shit this show would pull.  And Devil's just about to shoot Boyd when it's revealed Johnny had told Boyd, and wasn't really siding with Devil.  Boyd shoots Devil dead.  Well, thank god.  We keep Boyd and lose Devil - best deal ever!

Oh Happy Day

The trailer for The Bourne Legacy was released today, along with the poster, and of course it was the day I was all tied up and away from my Google Reader.  That's OK, I've made up for it by watching it at least 14 times.  Thank god for good friends like Bobby Z who keep me updated on the latest breaking Jeremy Renner news.

Come for the Renner, stay for the beard at the end.  And the Inception-esque music.  I'm psyched!!!!

Can I also be excited because Stacy Keach is in it?  Because I AM!      

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

Jasmine and Tyrie are living up to my expectation for being the most volatile couple.  He shows her his ass and she punches him -- hard.  Jasmine is officially the Black Tonya.  She doesn't get kicked out for that?  Then it's not a zero-tolerance policy, is it, MTV?

The challenge involves hooks and platforms and is suspended above water, as all challenges are.

Power Couple: Sarah and Vinny.

Everyone goes partying.  Vinny - who you may recall is DISGUSTING - dances in the club with his shirt off.  And then proceeds to rip off Mandi's top.  She's, of course, humiliated -- not that the top was covering up much to begin with, mind you.

The Dome:  Wes and Mandi are sent in to go against losers Naomi and Leroy.  Vinny, in choosing Wes and Mandi, proceeds to rail about how much of an idiot Wes is.  Yeah dude, fine, you're right, but that just makes Wes go after him for the booby incident.  Vinny is WAY more of an idiot than Wes.  God, I hate him.  Aaaaaand Vinny gets the boot from the competition.  Good.  Fat prick.  Unfortunately, Sarah gets kicked out too.  Which is horrible because I love her and I feel bad, but she's the idiot who banged Vinny.  So you reap what you sow, bitch.  It's amazing watching her lose her shit about being kicked out.  Waaaaahhhhhh I can't stay and drink and compete in this stupid TV show waaaaaahhhhhhh.  I bet they had to be on the same flight out.

They still go through with The Dome, and it's one of those brutal tug-of-war-type things.  Leroy and Mandi win their respective battles, so there's one sudden death round (chosen with a coin flip): the guys.  And Leroy wins.

Bye-bye: Wes and Mandi.  Damn, that sucks -- who is everyone going to hate now???

Chronicle

This movie really came out of nowhere for me.  I recall seeing a trailer and figured it was just going to be some low-rent piece of crap teen movie.  But then it got good reviews.  So this sheep lined up.

Chronicle is the story of teenage boys getting superpowers.  But it's told from that - what's it called? - a first-camera POV?  Like Cloverfield.  One of the kids has a convenient videocamera obsession and documents their progress in learning to control their new powers.  That camera's footage is combined with things like police camera, surveillance, and bystander camera footage by the end.  It's definitely low budget -- no stars and an independent feel -- but the effects are well done.  The story is interesting too.  Kids are gonna use superpowers to get laid, but then if they're anti-social sociopaths, they're also going to go apeshit.  So it was pretty awesome - and the unknown actors were believeable too.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Guy with cancer is visited by a Mysterious Asian Man who tells him the treatment won't work and he's going to die.  And then the guy drops dead, crying blood.  Later, he visits an alcoholic chick and tells her how her future's going to go.  He sprays something in her eyes and she's found dead with bloody eyes.

Alt!Astrid goes off the grid Over There and brings her kickass red-streaked curls to Our Universe (her father died so she freaked out and didn't know what to do, other than visit her double).  LOL that Our Astrid screams when she sees her.  Like Olivia says, "I always wondered why nobody does that."  Fauxlivia comes over to get Alt!Astrid, and the gals stick around to help with the investigation. Walter hates Fauxlivia's guts, but he loves Alt!Astrid.  They're socially-awkward genius BFFs.

Mysterious Asian Man is a TSA agent and picks his victims out of the assholes who come through the airport.  One of them survives being hit by a car, which means he's paralyzed, but also that the Fringe team can question him.  Genius!Alt!Astrid figures out that the victims were all screened by the same TSA agent.  Mysterious Asian Man is some amazing mathematician who lives near the lake where Peter surfaced, and can see past, present, and future all equally. When the Fringe team catches up to him, he pulls a suicide-by-cop and Olivia kills him.

Fauxlivia seems intent on getting Walter to like her.  They even share snacks at the end, which is the way to his heart of course.  They're bonded now.   Oh, but Fauxlivia is so light-hearted and fun....

The Observers are constantly lurking in this episode too, and at the end they get the weird blue glowy device Mysterious Asian Man was using -- it was September's, and he lost it in the lake when he saved Peter as a boy.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Scrambled eggs with chives.  He also requests vanilla ice cream and is eating licorice while performing an autopsy.  Busy food day.

Walter's Line of the Day: "Check his crotch."  I mean, how else would one know whether the guy's organs had liquified?

This Week's Code: EMPA... (Empanada?  That sounds yummy) EMPATH.

Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Find a random muse from the selection of donks in Central Park, and create a fashion-forward look based on them.  And the person you pick has to give you the clothes they're wearing.  Half of the look has to be made from the clothes themselves.  Time to strip down!

I love the guys on this show so badly.  Anthony's all, "Hi, hot white guy, I need your shorts!" and has a dude strip down right there in the park.  I also love how Michael describes the look he wants as, "Sarah Jessica Parker circa 1999 meets 2002, but futuristic."  Way to be very specific, vague, and random at the same time.

I like this Joanna Coles person.  I mean, she's no Tim Gunn, but she's like Tim Gunn meets Tilda Swinton.  She looks like an ice princess bitch, but is pretty cool.

Jerell makes the weirdest, ugliest outfit known to man.  The. Weirdest.  Everything else looked good.  I loved Rami's, Mondo's, and Kenley's the most.

Sean Avery is the guest judge and who the hell knew that the hockey player was into fashion?  Like, doing an internship at Vogue and everything.  Anyway, he's largely a dolt, but he does have one good (and very true) line about Jerell's, calling it Lady Gaga and Gwen Stefani at Burning Man on acid.

Winner: Mondo.  YAY!  First win!!

Bye-bye: Anthony, because he didn't really follow the rules.  He didn't use at least 50% of his fabric from his muse, nor did he really get inspiration from her.  He was really crazy all challenge, changing his mind 100 times.  He ended up making a cute outfit, but was DQ'd.  Bye, baby.  ILU.

And just for kicks - Jerell's ugly-ass outfit.

Justified

Ava sweet-talks Bubba Gump over some BBQ, and arranges a meet with him and Boyd.  I love how effed-up Bubba's teeth are - just atrocious.  Boyd wants Mags's money, and is willing to split it in exchange for offing Dickie.  Bubba ain't ready to share that yet, but he's willing to help out with Boyd's "weed problem."  Devil never burned the weed, so Bubba buys the crap cheap.

Back in prison, a guard had overheard Dickie and Boyd talking about the money.  So now he wants it too.  Goddamn, I love Jeremy Davies.  He is just so weird and perfect and scumbaggy.

Raylan's in pursuit of the guy (Wade Messer) who strung him up to a tree for Dickie last season, who's stealing things to get paid in oxy.  And is that one of the political campaign workers from The Killing as a fellow druggie?  The head of this little drug ring is Pruitt Taylor Vince, and like every bad guy on this show, he's pretty badass.  He has a little game called Harlan Roulette - pull the trigger and live, and you get oxy..... But then PTV pulls the trigger on one of his dudes 6 times - R.I.P. Random Dude.

In his hunt for Messer, Raylan visits PTV's pawn shop and, given that PTV isn't very cooperative, wonders if maybe the pawn shop is a front for the stolen oxy merchandise.

Boyd has plans to control all crime in Harlan.  No more whores, just pills and protection.  He has standards, and I love them.  Boyd goes to Johnny's old bar to try to take it from the owner.  And Johnny's there too!  YAY!  They take it back.

The Detroit Mafia (Quarles) and Duffy have plans of their own - setting up pill mills in Harlan.  This means setting up fake doctors' offices, writing prescriptions for addicts, and then skimming half of the pills to be shipped to Detroit to be sold at a high cost.  Quarles wants PTV to kill Raylan for snooping around.  PTV sends Messer to do it.

Messer meets up with Raylan to "turn himself in."  Raylan gets to the gun before Messer can - and they have a typical, hysterical conversation.  Raylan has Messer call PTV and tell him Raylan's dead but he's been shot and needs help.  PTV is suspicious, and arms himself before going to meet Messer.  Raylan's all, What's up, PTV?  Another great conversation, and PTV offers to give up Wynn Duffy and his associates.  But PTV and the guy from The Killing end up shooting each other.  As Raylan says, "Shit."

Quarles's arm gun is pretty damn cool.  He's there when Raylan visits Duffy in Duffy's RV.  Raylan roughs Duffy up and throws a bullet at him.  Says the next one's coming faster.  Then Quarles is all, "How fast will those bullets be when they're coming back at you?" and has an AWESOME little masculine-yet-bitchy faceoff with Raylan.  Raylan takes Quarles's picture, and Quarles smiles for it.  Seriously, that final scene was AWESOME!!!

Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Design a look inspired by a flavor of gelato.  Wow, random challenge is random.  I want the chocolate and cayenne pepper gelato badly.  Also -- the designers have 6 hours to do their outfit.  AHAHAHAHA!  They even get a Mini-Mood set up in their building since there's no time to shop. There's some gluing involved, even by Austin.  The horror!

It's funny to see Austin working in jeans and a wife beater, isn't it?  No matador costume?  This could be his boldest outfit choice yet!

I loved Mondo's drapey dress, which looked simple but also very outside of what he usually does.  Man, I love Kenley's adorable little dresses.  They never get old.  April sends out a short-ass purple dress.  Kara's model looked like a pregnant cupcake (thank you, Jerell). Jerell finally makes something amazing - loved his and Austin's.  Michael made a bathrobe from an old Golden Girls episode, but the judges are cool with that.

Winner: Michael and his bathrobe. 

Bye-bye: April.  Oh how sad, but seriously, that thing was a mess.  I always forget how young she is though - 22!  Insane!

Haywire

I watched Haywire.  Did I mention that I watched Haywire?  My bad.  It's because I liked The Grey so much better so I became a bit obsessed with how awesome that was.

Haywire was cool though.  It stars Gina Carano, a female MMA star I had never heard of before seeing her on this panel at Comic-Con last year.  I didn't even realize there was female MMA.  Insane.  Anyway, because she is a real fighter, her fight scenes were amazing.  It's not skinny-ass Angelina Jolie bringing down dudes here; it's someone you actually believe.

But, it being a Steven Soderbergh film, it can't be all fight scenes.  The movie must be filled with a million famous actors, feature cool camera angles, and most importantly have a lot of really crappy music playing during running sequences.  A lot.  For whatever reason (because I'm dumb) I would have preferred this movie just dumbed-down and all kickass.  It's still good though!  And I have a mad girl crush on Gina Carano - that bitch is sexy onscreen.  I hope she does more action movies for sure.

Fringe

Freak of the Week:  Girl draws people's deaths before they happen.

Walter and Pacey are working on a way to get Pacey home. And Walter can't feel his urine response yet - because he's electrocuted himself 3 times.

Olivia's spooked investigating this girl who predicts death, what with The Observer predicting hers.  She's also still getting headaches, what with Nina doing weird procedures on her without her knowledge.

The girl draws some kind of mass casualty situation, and Walter hypnotizes her to get more detail on the event.  It's a detonated explosion at a courthouse, so the team shows up to prevent it.  Then the girl predicts her own death and dies.

Not too much forward progress on the plot, but still interesting stuff.  Next week is Doppelgänger Party Time, which is always fun.

This Week's Code: MARCH.  Of the Penguins?  Actually, it's probably the name of The Observer who's spying on Olivia at the end.  They're all named after months, right?

The Grey

Holy crap go see this movie.  OK, so just as you've seen on the commercials, The Grey is literally "Liam Neeson Fights Wolves" -- and it's every bit as awesome as that description would lead you to believe.  Seriously.

A plane crashes in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere In The Dead Of Winter and is stalked by wolves.  Basically my worst nightmare. So you've got to survive the crash, the elements, and the damn huge crazy-ass wolves.

This movie terrified me.  It was so tense I was laughing out loud at times.  I just couldn't take it!  It will also make you freeze your ass off.  I'm pretty sure I have frostbite, and I live in South Florida.  It's the closest I need to get to real Winter weather this year, thank you very much.  It looks awful and I would have killed myself 5 minutes in, guaranteed.

Liam Neeson kicks a lot of ass, both human and wolf.  I also call him as the Coolest Costume of Halloween 2012.  All you need is a beard, some bruises, lots of winter clothing, and some glass duct-taped to your knuckles.  Hell. Yes.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

EEEEEEE I forgot this was starting!  Excellent.

The couples are paired up.  Emily and Ty hate each other.  Johnny and Camila seem ready to hook up again.  Paula would definitely do Dunbar again.

The elimination rounds take place in The Dome.  Ooooooo.  Each Challenge's Power Couple chooses who goes into The Dome against the Challenge's losing couple.

The house is decorated with pictures of the couples' happier moments together.  Love it!  There should be nothing but large posters everywhere.

Challenge: The Challenge involves coating themselves in honey and wiping it off of each other.  Of course it does - I'd expect nothing less from the first Challenge on Battle of the Exes.

Nate is my Number One Stunner in terms of hatred.  Ugh.  Just a fat, bro-dawg douche.  Annoying, unfunny ass.  Lucky for me, he also appears to suck at Challenges - he keeps falling in the water over and over and it's hysterical.  Dunbar is fat as hell, but not as fat as Vinny.  Naomi is a skank.  I feel bad for Diem because she and CT had a legitimate relationship and they haven't talked to each other in ages and she's grossed out by all of his hookups and he's sad that she blew him off after his brother died.  So it's helllllllla awkward.  I genuinely feel bad -- but I love it.

Power Couple: Johnny and Camila.

The Dome: Wes and Mandi are sent in to go against losers Nate and Priscilla.  I thought the challenge would be far, far too athletic for Nate to handle, and I was right.  Even Mandi outlasted him.

Bye-bye: Nate and Priscilla.  Sorry I couldn't continue loving to hate you, bro.  Glad to know you have big plans for the future -- like coming back to the next Challenge.

Justified

Winona and Raylan banter about selling her house and her affair with the previous realtor.  I love me some Winona and Raylan banter like mad.  They're just domestically adorable in this episode.  Makes you wonder how long it's going to last....  Should I predict a miscarriage at this point?

Boyd gets a jailhouse visit from Raylan.  AND IT'S ADORABLE because he's chatting him up about their crazy love lives.  And then he tells Boyd he's getting him out of jail... because no doubt Raylan knows Boyd wants to be there and doesn't want Boyd to kill Dickie.  Walton Goggins says the line, "I'm done" in such a way to make us laugh out loud and rewind.  Goddamn, that man.

Our side story is about a chick in witness protection whose Marshall handler is killed.  That brings Assistant Director Carla Gugino to town, and she and Raylan clearly have a past.  Plus she's Carla Gugino so she's hot as shit.

The Marshall was killed by another one of his witness protection guys.  Art is sent to guard that guy while Rachel's on the chick.  Art of course kicks ass and the guy doesn't get the jump on him.  Art also proceeds to give the guy the Jack Bauer treatment to figure out who he's working with.  Nice.  Rachel gets to do some kicking ass too, protecting her chick from the guy coming to get her with a well-placed headshot.

Boyd proceeds to get himself beaten up by a bunch of black guys (after exposing his racist tattoos) so he gets put into solitary near Dickie.  Boyd doesn't exactly want to kill Dickie - at least not yet.  He wants to know where all of Mags' money is.  It's with Bubba of Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.  And Bubba's a cool, badass dude.  A black Mags I dare say.  Looking forward to it!

Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Create a cocktail dress for Miss Piggy.  Oh god.  I hate The Muppets.  I don't think adults should like The Muppets... but I'm aware that I'm outnumbered on this one.  I also hate when people talk about Miss Piggy like she's a real person, calling her sexy, etc.  She doesn't need comfortable clothes.  She's a puppet.  When she judges your outfit, she's going to have a guy's hand up her ass.  Ugh.  DIE.  Has she been an inspiration to you your whole life, Austin!?  HAS SHE!?

Just when I'm thinking this is the worst challenge ever, that dumb not-Tim-Gunn bitch says it's one of the greatest challenges in the history of ever ever ever.  DIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

Austin dresses like goddamned Zorro for the runway judging.  And now I'm reminded that I REALLY hate Miss Piggy because she's an unfunny bitch with an awful voice.  Kill me now.

None of the designs blew me away, except for Rami's - and even then, I can't decide if it was over-the-top-awful or over-the-top-awesome.  Austin's had some awful bows on the hips, Mila's was boring as shit, and Gordana's was a nightgown.

Winner: Michael.  But seriously - check out Rami's polka dot dress.  I think I love it.

Bye-bye: Gordana and her Russian nightgown nightmare. Imagine being the designer who gets booted for designing for Miss Piggy. Poor thing.

Fringe

Walternate tells Broyles that shapeshifters have infiltrated the Department of Defense, unaware that Evil Broyles is on their side (or maybe he's a shapeshifter himself!).

Lincoln and Fauxlivia get my man David Robert Jones (whose skin is freaky-awesomely-awful).  He's in a lab raising shapeshifters like they're children.  Or farm animals.  Peter is all set to scram back home (ish) to the other universe when he sees DRJ, and tells Walternate that DRJ is from the other universe.

Meanwhile, some crony of DRJ's releases a gas in a hospital.  And it causes people's skin to come off.  EEEEEEWWWWW of the Week.  The threat of more attacks is all the government needs to release DRJ - along with a tracking device.  Of course, DRJ eludes the tracking device with the help of Evil Broyles.

Peter helps them figure out that DRJ is going after some powerful rock (honestly) that can be used to blow up the Earth (seriously).  And Our Lincoln is suspicious that DRJ has help on the inside.  DRJ crosses over to the other side in order to get that rock, so the team follows.  Peter's mom crosses over too, so she can convince Walter to help Peter get back to his timeline.

DRJ brings the rock back to the other universe and now my eyes have gone crossed trying to keep up with the universes.  Both Fringe teams assemble.  Pretty cool to have a table full of 2 each of Broyles, Olivia, and Lincoln.  They're going to work together to find DRJ.  And Walter's going to help Peter get back to his timeline when they're done.  And Nina is working with DRJ.  And I think that's it.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week:  He's getting really freaky with molecular gastronomy - liquifying meat, making Parmesan ice cream.

This Week's Code: DEATH.

Top Chef: Texas

Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using 3 random-ass ingredients that come off of a conveyor belt.  I could make something using sauerkraut, Oreos, and Pop Rocks, I just know it!  Beverly would have won, but she didn't get her curried Rice Krispies to the plate in time.  Ha!  Lindsay wins instead.

Elimination Challenge: Make a gothic feast for Charlize Theron.  It's meant to coincide with Charlize's role as the Evil Queen in one of those Snow White films, but that thing isn't coming out for 6 months.  They couldn't have shoehorned in a Young Adult-themed challenge?  Everyone's making bloody, murderous, evil dishes, including heart.  Heart.  Paul puts a "bloody" handprint on the plate - awesome.  Grayson's freaking black chicken claw looks scary as shit!!  And it even had an egg to represent the unborn child!!!  They all actually pulled out some amazingly creative dishes.  So it ended up being a great challenge - like, maybe one of the best ones ever!  Odd movie promotion aside....

Winner: Paul and his bloody handprint.

Bye-bye: Beverly. The judges said everyone was great, they just got nitpicky with things because they had to.  And hers was definitely the least "out there" of all of the dishes.  Damn, no more Beverly to kick around....

Justified

I'm going to attempt to blog about Justified this season, though I worry the blog will look more like OMFGRAYLANISSOHOTTTTT!!!!  I'll try to restrain myself, but seriously - Raylan Givens is a goddamn iconic character.  So happy this show is back.

I love that this show always picks up a new season right where it left off.  So we have Raylan in the hospital, having just been shot, and Winona going to visit him.  And now we jump 3 weeks later.  Raylan's at the gun range (I'm refraining from capslocking!) and things aren't going too well.  He's still not 100%, and is on desk duty for a while.

It's also hard to write while I'm watching this show because of the fast dialogue.  It's awesome.  Boyd and Raylan have their first confrontation, over where Mags's pot and money may have wandered off to.  Of course, it ends in them making out - I mean fighting.  Line of the Night candidate: Boyd says something about running off to Mexico with the money, and Raylan says, "I don't think you'd like Mexico."  "Why?"  "There's a lot of Mexicans."  Love it.

Raylan thinks they should get a house now that Winona's knocked up.  I'm gonna miss the motel room if they move.  I love that crappy motel room Raylan's lived in this whole damn time.

Our Big Bad this season represents the Detroit Mafia, who invested in the Dixie Mafia... and wants its money back. He's got a really creepy guy working as his muscle - nicknamed Ice Pick.  The marshals (Tim!  I love you!) investigate when he kills a guy.  Duffy factors into the investigation.  YAY Duffy!  "I gotta get back to watching women's tennis."  LOL he's so random.  This Ice Pick creep is in the motel room when Raylan and Winona return home.  There's an AWESOME tense conversation over gunpoint.  Naturally, Raylan gets the upper hand in the end.  Let's just say it ends with the line:  "Sorry about your tablecloth."  Closing out that plotline, the Detroit Mafia guy shoots the head of the Dixie Mafia and his assistant in their faces.  He doesn't need them anymore.  Thankfully, he lets Duffy live.

In Boyd land, he and his crew are stashing trashbags full of Mags's weed in Arlo's house.  And I mean trashbags full.  Literally.  Piled up in the living room.  The crew screws it up of course -- they put the plants in the bags wet 3 weeks ago and most of it is moldy crap now.  It's up to Ava to straighten everything out while Boyd's in prison for assaulting Raylan.  He tells her to burn it.  They can't keep sitting on it and no one is willing to buy it in its condition for the price they want.  She cracks Devil across the face with a frying pan when he tries to protest her orders.  Ava's gonna be the Mags of that operation.

At the end, we see Dewey and Jeremy Davies are in the same prison as Boyd.  He's clearly in there for a reason.  Boyd assaulted Raylan, not randomly, but so that he'd get to these guys in prison for some reason.  I love my crazy, cunning Boyd.

Top Chef: Texas

It's Restaurant Wars!!!!!  And it's a battle of the sexes.

The guys' restaurant is Canteen and has a cool little vibe going for it.  It also has a retarded wait staff.  The girls name their place Half Bushel and they bitch at each other - a lot.  Women just can't work together. 

The women win but neither of the restaurants blew anyone away.  The chicks' food was apparently better.

Winner: Beverly.  Good - give her a boost to her self-esteem and then kick her out next week.  I love to hate her.

Bye-bye: Ty-Lör.  It's about time. Please take your umlaut and go.

Project Runway All Stars

Challenge: Create a show-stopping gown for a night at the opera.

There's nothing much to blog about when you already know about the contestants.  We're not learning anything new about them.  They don't even really talk amongst themselves - they're all business.  The only thing I saw was Rami and Anthony leaning against each other on the couch, but I don't think they're doing it.  That's just my professional opinion.

Kenley made a pink monstrosity, as Kenley would.  I didn't like Gordan's purple thing.  Rami's dress was such a bright shade of pink that's all you could see.  Sweet P... what the hell?  It was like a giant maternity picnic tablecloth.  Loved Mondo's, and couture isn't even his thing.  Jerell did a damn pregnancy dress too.  Michael made a gorgeous beaded, feather-laden thing.  April's dress looked like a used tampon. 

Winner: Austin.  Of course.  His dress looked like an Oscar and was pretty constrained for him.

 

Bye-Bye: Sweet P.  Seriously - pregnant picnic table.





Next week involves designing for Miss Piggy.  God save me, that's going to be the worst challenge ever.

Fringe

Yay!  Fringe is back.  My life is complete.  I just can't live without Olivia that long....

Walter's making Pacey chocolate chip banana pancakes (just shirtless, he has pants on) and Olivia comes down to kiss them both.  It's a happy domestic scene, which can only mean it's a dream.

Peter wants to use the Peter Bishop Death Machine to get back to his timeline.  Walter refuses to help him, so Peter asks Olivia and Lincoln to help him get to the Other Universe to get Walternate's help instead.  They steal the original universe-jumping machine from Massive Dynamic and Lincoln (undercover as Kickass Lincoln Lee) and Peter cross over.

Other Universe Freak of the Week: Guy has a weird face, guy gets hit by a bus.  I don't know, it's about this time that I see Jared Harris in the credits and start freaking out.  David Robert Jones, bitch!  One of my favorite characters ever!  Wasn't that Season 1?  Then Walternate starts digging through the guy's guts - awesomely gross.  He finds one of those shapeshifting devices.  Now here's the thing - each side thinks the other is sending shapeshifters.  Walternate's not doing it -- his Brandon ends up being a shapeshifter.  So who's sending them?  I say it's Jared Harris.

Lincoln and Peter are caught, and there's a super-hot Lincoln Lee Face Off.  While being transported, a rogue agent tries to kill Lincoln and Peter, but those 2 make a pretty kickass team and they escape.

Peter goes to see his mommy to see if she can get Walternate to help him.  Jesus, Peter has been reunited with about 55 different versions of his parents at this point in the series.  Walternate says he'll help Peter get home if Peter will go back to the other side and let them know that Walternate's not the enemy, and that he's not behind the shapeshifters. 

In the meantime, Fauxlivia and Alt Lincoln are investigating who tried to kill Peter and Lincoln.  Their investigation is about to lead them to David Robert Jones, who is working with Broyles.  And has a bunch of bodies in, like, suspended animation or something.

Back to the other side, where an Observer visits Olivia and tells her he has looked into all possible futures and in every one the result is the same - she has to die.  And then he disappears.  It's also worth mentioning he had been shot.  And also that David Robert Jones is back!!!  WHEEEE!

This Week's Code: JO (heh)...  JONES.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

I was really looking forward to this show... and then found out it was just a preview (I'm sorry - "the pre-game").  *sad horns* You know what?  I don't care.  I need this.  I'll take it.

It's "hosted" by Kenny, who is awkward and awful at hosting.  And the panel doesn't help much - Laurel, Mike, Tyler, and Jenn.  I like Laurel's blonde hair but that bitch has no personality.  The panel gives us their pointless predictions on how the couples will fare.

So here are our couples:
Paula and Dunbar - shocker, Paula's on a Challenge.
CT and Diem - I always thought they were a cute couple.  We witnessed their first kiss!  CT always brings the crazy.
Wes and Mandi - they hooked up, but it appeared to be mutual so they shouldn't really have bad blood between them.
Naomi and Leroy - I didn't watch that season, but I do like Leroy.
Heather and Dustin - again, didn't watch that season, but he is the one who did gay-for-pay online porn.  Nice.
Priscilla and Nate - GODDAMMIT, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?  Nate is gross.  Like, big fat bro-seph gross.
Abram and Cara Maria - I always liked those freaks.  Too bad they didn't make it.
Jasmine and Tyrie - No thoughts on them.  Maybe she'll go crazy?
Emily and Ty - I liked them too, but they have a hella volatile relationship.
Rachel and Aneesa - Should be good competitors, but who cares about that - lesbian drama.
Johnny and Camila - boring.
Mark and Robin - I liked them together.  She's a crazy whore and I love her.
Sarah and Vinny - who is this Vinny effer and when did Sarah hook up with him!?  I totally watched that Challenge -- I remembered the clips they showed -- but don't remember them.

Top Chef: Texas

Quickfire Challenge: Make something using modernist techniques.  Beverly's technique involves squirting her foam all over Padma's dress.  Awkward bitch.  Ty-Lör wins, though I liked Squinty Chris's Miracle Berry thing better.  I want a Miracle Berry -- they make lemons taste sweet!!!!  They sell them on Think Geek and I will get them some day.  Oh yes, I will.

Elimination Challenge: Texas barbeque.  It's a team challenge, and they all just form their own groups.  They get to cook outside in giant BBQ pits and smokers... and in an RV, but unfortunately they're not cooking meth. 

Chris, Chris, and Beverly make some beer can chicken and Dr. Pepper spare ribs.

Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay go Asian-influenced.  Are there Asians in Texas?

And Ed, Sarah, and Ty-Lör cook so much that Sarah nearly dies from smoke inhalation.  She's carted off to the hospital and the boys are left to finish on their own.

Winners:  Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay.  Go figure - the Asian flavors worked!  They also had some problems with the smoker.  But they worked really hard and I love all of them so I'm glad they won.

Bye-bye: Both of the other teams really sucked it up.  Pretty Boy Chris leaves because of his salty-ass dry rub.

Project Runway All Stars

So this All Stars season has been in the can for a while.  Makes you wonder what took so long to air it, but it was probably just trying to avoid Project Runway exhaustion. 

Here's who we get: Mondo (yay!), Michael Costello (yay!), Mila, Anthony (fierce!), Jerell, Elisa (who? oh - the hippie who spits on her clothes), Austin Scarlett (natch), Kenley (my girlfriend whose voice I love to imitate the whole time), Rami, Gordana, Sweet P, April (rocking gray hair!), and Kara. 

Who we don't get?  Heidi Klum, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia. We get some never-heard-of-before-model as host (she sometimes looks like Michelle Monaghan, has a sing-song-y whiny voice, and often needs to clear her damn throat) and a couple designers, including Isaac Mizrahi, as judges.  Worst of all: No Tim Gunn.  Well now, maybe this is why it sat on the shelf... maybe it sucks.  Good thing we know the designers and they're all good personalities -- they're going to need to carry this show.

Gotta love Austin, having his gaygasms anytime he sees a designer he loves.  Even Anthony can't out-gay Austin.

Challenge: The unconventional materials challenge -- this time, using materials from a 99-cent store.  On the plus side, nearly all of the designs are fierce!  Rami and Mondo were particularly amazing and Sweet P and Elisa stunk it up - no shock there. 

Winner: Rami. Fab.




Bye-bye: Elisa.  I'm surprised it wasn't Sweet P.  Bye, crazy!

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes: YES!

Thanks to Kim for the reminder to check this preview out.  Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes.  This looks epic.  Some thoughts: Abram and Cara Maria broke up.  Shocker.  Who did Sarah bang?  Jesus, Robin, stop doing shows and go raise your kid.  Looks like even more drama than usual - and it's the kind of show they could do for 50 years because they have quite the pool to choose from - PLUS I really like that Arctic setting at the end - normally they're all about the tropical locations, but I really like the idea of these idiots freezing to death.  Hope it's awesome (and that I remember to watch it)!

MTV Shows

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: Movies

I haven't seen The Descendants yet - and I really want to - but I'm suddenly sick and in a bad mood, so I'm not going to force myself to see it now. Let's just assume it's on my list of favorite films of 2011. Let's also assume you couldn't pay me to watch War Horse or Hugo. Because you couldn't. Anyway, here's my shoddy list for Favorite Films of 2011 (see, aforementioned illness):

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - The more I think about it, the more I love it. And the less dark I find it. Seriously, I loved this twisted movie.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol - Jeremy Renner and Simon Pegg and cool stunts. Most Re-watchable Film of the Year.

50/50 - Comedy of the year. Cancer film of the year.

Crazy, Stupid, Love. - I just watched this yesterday, and for a romantic dramedy -- not exactly my favorite genre -- I loved it. My crush on Emma Stone doesn't hurt. For the record, I choose her over Ryan Gosling, but it's close. It's a really lovely multigenerational story of love and soulmates. And I still liked it.  Go figure.

Drive - It's the Year of Ryan Gosling. Super cool, ultra violent. Now that's my kind of flick!

Attack the Block - Best British film, best alien film.

Young Adult - Charlize Theron: my immature bitch hero.

Super 8 - Second Most Re-watchable Film of the Year.

Young Adult

Is it wrong to look up to Charlize Theron's character in Young Adult? OK, not really, but I definitely feel bad for the screwed up bitch. From the outside, she's gorgeous and glamorous and has a cute dog and has it all together. But when she wakes up in the morning, she has eyeliner all smeared under her eyes, she neglects her adorable dog, and she's a delusional alcoholic who drinks Diet Coke and booze like water.  And it's both funny and heartbreaking to watch.

Patton Oswalt, who I always love, is great as an old classmate she bonds with -- as much as this immature-beyond-her-years chick can bond with another human being. Props to Theron, who plays a pretty horrid bitch in a way that makes you pity her.  The poor thing is just too messed up and immature to realize what she really has -- or doesn't have -- going for her.  And just when you feel bad for her, she goes back to being a bitch.  It's great, and really left me wondering if Mavis was going to change her ways or not.  I think so, but then again I kind of hope not.  Bitch Mavis is fun.

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: Music

I tend to become obsessed with songs about 3 years after they're popular.  To whit, my current playlist includes:

"Forever" - Drake
"Black Sheep" - Metric
"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

Actual current music that I enjoyed this year?

Adele, 21, particularly "Turning Tables" and "Set Fire to the Rain."

Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More, which totally counts as a 2011 album because that's the year it won awards, and it's still getting nominated even though it came out in 2009.  I love singing along to their songs, all the more so because Mike can't stand them.

Florence + The Machine, Ceremonials.  Go ahead and don't sing along to "Shake It Out."

Foo Fighters, Wasting Light, still making awesome rock music.

The best (and only) concerts I attended this year: Linkin Park and Rush!  Yeah, I'm hella current.

Baloney & Cereal Twenty-Eleven Sillies: TV

As always, I'm waiting til the last minute to try to catch a couple more movies before I can give my Top Whatever list.  But TV is my live-in boyfriend, and I can safely give my list now.  Though I'm still worried I've forgotten something....

1. Breaking Bad.  There's TV, and then there's Breaking Bad.  Honestly, it's in a class by itself in terms of writing, acting, and visuals.  2011 was awesome solely because it's the year I finally caught up on this show.  There's a reason it's on everyone's Best Of All-Time TV Ever Ever Ever lists.  If you haven't watched it yet, there's plenty of time to catch up.  Do it.  I've already seen the first 3 seasons 3 times and the most recent one twice.  Is that wrong?  No.  And if you catch up now, you get to watch them all in a row without having to wait a week to a year between episodes; it's the best way to do it.  Do it.

2. Justified.  So excited this is coming back in a matter of days!!  It is some badass, cool TV, and Timothy Olyphant is wonderful.  Looking forward to hearing the awesome dialogue again!

3. Parks & Recreation.  You know what this list has going for it so far?  The best casts - and characters - on television.  Every single character on Parks & Rec is awesome and I want to hug them all every week.  This is the only show guaranteed to leave me smiling every week.  Yes, it is literally funnier than Community.

4. Homeland.  Holy crap, this was some awesome TV.  Think 24 in terms of the terrorism angle, but it's different.  Week to week you're not sure who the good guys and bad guys are.  Claire Danes is so amazing on this show and if she doesn't win an Emmy, the world sucks.  She gets crazier as the season goes on and it's wonderful to watch.  Mandy Patinkin is also awesome -- and those are words I never thought I'd say.

5. Community.  Whereas I find Parks & Rec to be laugh-out-loud funnier, this show is crazy-funny.  I can't believe the stuff they get away with.  An episode devoted to several different possible timelines?  Craziness!  It's the kind of bold comedy that is not destined to last long, but at least we'll have a few seasons to rewatch once it's gone.

6.  Game of Thrones.  A series I was not expecting to like as much as I did.  It's not normally the kind of thing I'd go for, but it's another collection of awesome characters and stories.  I really loved this show, and was surprised by it.

7. Tosh.0.  OK, this is actually the most laugh-out-loud-funny show on TV.

8. Fringe.  I miss my show; it's still both bold and good fun.  Multiple universes, timelines, versions of characters - gotta love it.  This season added Lincoln Lee to the cast of characters and I couldn't be happier.  Unless they brought back Charlie.

9. Sons of Anarchy.  I finally caught up on this show this year, and loved it.  This year's season wasn't the best, but it's still better than most of the crap on TV.  It's ambitious and ballsy and badass.  I really loved the second season and hope the white supremacists make their way back to the show.  Here again we have a lot of great characters; I especially love Opie and Tig.

10. Sherlock.  This was a quick little 3-part British mini-series, but it's coming back in 2012 too.  It's a modern-day retelling of the Sherlock Holmes characters and it's excellent.  And who doesn't love Martin Freeman in anything?  I'll tell you who - Communists.

These Shows Really Suck But I Used To Love Them And So Help Me God The Shows Listed Above Better Not End Up Like Them: Chuck and The Office.  They are mostly painful to watch now, and I don't know why I'm sticking with them, other than I never surrender!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

It's hard for me to give a full review for Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows -- because I kept falling asleep during it.  I guess that should be my review: I give it 3-4 cat naps.

It can't be all the movie's fault - I was sleepy (per usual) and had just eaten lunch.  Get my old ass in a darkened movie theater in those conditions and it's all over.

So, given that I was falling asleep, especially in the beginning, I am no judge of plot.  It seems to me there wasn't one, but I likely dozed off during any explanations/rationales.  What I did enjoy were the visuals and the Robert Downey, Jr., which is exactly what I enjoyed about the first movie anyway.  I was disappointed that Professor Moriarty was highly under-utilized.  I mean, I qualify that remark with the fact that I kept falling asleep, but I highly doubt I slept during all his good parts.  I love me some Jared Harris and I love me the idea that Moriarty is Sherlock's toughest opponent, but I just didn't feel that here.  At all.

The movie's not a total waste -- I felt a little more refreshed when it was all over.  Til it was time for a proper nap anyway.

Top Chef: Texas: Times Two

Time to catch-up on the holiday DVR backup.... And nothing like reheating pizza in the oven whilst watching chefs hustle to cook their asses off.

Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish that pairs with a chosen tequila. I'm not a tequila person, but I had an amazing blueberry/basil margarita in Disney Mexico on Christmas that I'm still dreaming about.  Ty-Lör and his dumb name wins.

Elimination Challenge: They get paired up randomly and Beverly and Heather are a team.  And they hate each other.  Awesome.  Each team has to cook a chosen game dish, all of their fellow cheftestants will also be judges, and both losing team members will be sent home.  Come on, drama!  Tragically, it's all pretty effing dull.  Until Judges' Table, when Heather says Beverly sucks and throws her under the bus for the last challenge, which makes no sense because 1) they're on the same team and will both be sent home and 2) she's talking about last week.  STFU, dummy.

Winners: Ed and Ty-Lör.

Bye-bye:  Dakota and Nyesha for their (really, Dakota's) undercooked venison.  Boooooooo.  I loved both of them!  On the plus side, Beverly and Heather have to go home together.

On to the next one, when the show moves to Austin....

Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish based on live Tweets that are shouted-out by Padma and Tom. They start out making something with bacon, then they have to make a hash to accompany their dish, then incorporate an ingredient that is handed to you by a fellow cheftestant.  Paul wins.  Twitter still stinks.

Elimination Challenge: Make a dish to honor your culinary inspiration, with guest judges Patti LaBelle and Emeril.  Time for a lot of crying over grandparents, and some amazing-looking Korean braised short ribs from Beverly.  Hungry.

Winner: Sarah for her sausage-stuffed cabbage rolls.

Bye-bye: Heather for over-cooked meat.  Ha, bitch - Beverly beat you!  It's a sad day when I'm actually siding with Beverly....

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I went into The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo knowing generally what it was about, but not having read the books (duh - requires effort).  I also decided not to watch the Swedish movies in advance, because I'm an American, goddammit. I'll get to watching the original version of this first one eventually, for comparison's sake.

This is a great movie.  And for something billed as "The Feel Bad Movie of Christmas" I didn't find it all that dark and depressing.  But I'm a sick puppy.  If anything - and this is probably a hella un-PC thing to say - I thought Lisbeth Salander was a kickass action hero!!  After watching the movie, I just wanted to yell at guys and kick their asses. Is that wrong?  Even the way it was shot, I thought she was sometimes framed as a superhero.  Like one shot in particular where an elevator door closes and she has her hoodie up.  I don't know, that's just the vibe I got.  She should join the Avengers.

Anyway, you've got a 100% David Fincher movie - dark, very cool and stylized - with a perfect Trent Reznor score.  Loved it.  Really loved it.

But one nagging question -- Why is my man Joel Kinnaman (Holder from The Killing) in it for 4.5 seconds and with one glorified-extra line?  I guess every Swedish actor was obligated to appear in this movie.  That was hella disappointing.  Can I assume he has more to do in the sequels?  Let's hope!

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

Full disclosure (a/k/a: obvious statement of the year): I hate Tom Cruise as much as I love Jeremy Renner.  I generally avoid Cruise movies, except the action/blockbuster ones.  I'll admit he makes a decent action movie, I just don't want to see him trying to act or in a romantic comedy.  Shut up and run from explosions, dick.  In the case of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, I likely would have seen it, Renner notwithstanding.  I mean, I've seen the rest of the M:I movies, I love Paula Patton because she's gorgeous AND looks like she can kick some ass, and Simon Pegg is always a joy to behold.  But so is Jeremy Renner, in all his IMAX glory.  And so this movie had to be seen - and just in time for an early birthday present!

First of all, if you're wondering, this movie is totally worth seeing in IMAX.  And I don't mean the "IMAX" you get at some mall movie theater - I mean the real thing, mostly found in science museums.  (I'm lucky enough to have one in Fort Lauderdale.)  There are enough scenes in this movie that are shot in IMAX to make it worth the price of admission.  It's worth it for the Dubai/Burj Khalifa scenes alone.  I hate heights almost as much as I hate Tom Cruise, but watching him dangle from the world's tallest building was so-nausea-inducing-it's-awesome. 

I'm not going to pretend the plot - or the dialogue - here is groundbreaking.  I'd venture to say it made its way into soap-opera territory on an occasion or two.  But if you like chases and spying and high-tech, never-in-a-million-years-is-that-possible gadgets, you'll love it.

Director Brad Bird is sure to go on and make 100 epically kickass action films.  Up til now, he's made animation, like The Incredibles and Ratatouille. He takes that animation spirit - including the crazy, over-the-top action - and does the same, only this time with real people.  And somehow it works.  I mean, it's crazy, most of the stuff that's done in this movie, but A) no crazier than loads of other action films, including the others in this franchise and B) it's fun to watch.  So who the hell cares. Ethan Hunt and his team are Superman and James Bond rolled into one.  Just go with it.

Seeing it in IMAX also meant seeing the sneak preview of The Dark Knight Rises beforehand.  I had been warned in advance that Bane was hard to understand, and I'm glad I was.  Because knowing that made me pay extra attention.  Not to say that I caught everything - and I know for sure I missed whatever the quippy, tagline thing was supposed to be - but it wasn't awful.  They need to fix that stuff with looping - here's hoping they do.  Then again, these are the filmmakers who thought it was OK to have Batman growl in a weird voice, so maybe they like having an unintelligible Bane.

The airplane sequence they showed in the preview was amazing - and also great to see in IMAX - but otherwise, I didn't get a lot out of the preview.  It'll be awesome, I'm sure of it.  I don't need to see a scene to reassure me of that.  Oh - one thing that was cool was that Aidan Gillen was in the preview.  He was awesome in The Wire and Game of Thrones, and it reminded me of how William Fichtner was in the IMAX preview we saw for The Dark Knight.  A kickass character actor in a little part generally means the movie is going to be awesome.

Top Chef: Texas

Quickfire Challenge: Each of the chefs has to create a dish that uses a randomly-assigned sauce.  No one had gravy.  I call shenanigans.  Grayson, my girlfriend, wins.  And she should have - she used to be a saucier.

Elimination Challenge: Work as a team to create a 4-course steak dinner for 200 guests.  Ty-Lör bleeds all over his steaks, gets 4 stitches, and has an awful, fakely-spelled name.  Guarantee it's not on his birth certificate like that. 

Shocker: these idiots can't cook and serve the meat properly and mostly everything else is a big mess too.  I want Beverly and Heather to stay on this show forever because Heather hates Beverly as much as I do, and calls her on everything.  I love it.

Winner: Heather for the cake.  The cake recipe she has used before -- and stolen from Chinese Kentucky Ed.

Bye-Bye: Whitney, for botching a potato gratin I could have made in my sleep.  Dumbass.  It seemed like Tom was ready to send Whitney, Ed, and Ty-Lör home.  He probably should have.

Top Chef: Texas

On the show's drive to Dallas, they're pulled over by State Troopers... and here comes your Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using ingredients from an emergency-survival kit.  They have to cook in the middle of a field, and there's not much in the way of utensils and only little camping stoves.  Lindsay wins with her "soup and sandwich" - using Vienna Sausages and a "club sandwich" made with Saltines instead of bread.

Elimination Challenge: Create a course for a progressive dinner party, some douchey thing that neighbors who like each other do - move from house to house eating a different course in each one.  The houses are crazy-big and the husbands are all ugly as hell, so clearly they have money and these are their high-maintenance trophy wives.  Ick.  I'm not trying to watch The Real Housewives of Dallas here, goddammit.

A lot of the appetizers look great -- except for Chris's nasty thing that's supposed to look like a burning cigar.  Stop trying to be cute about it.  I want the artichokes and the Brussels sprouts like mad.

The entrees are all pretty standard and boring.  Now it's time for the desserts, which are always death on this show. Blonde Chris serves mint chocolate chip ice cream with a strawberry/banana cupcake?  Really!?  A couple desserts make it in the Top Four, along with my artichokes and Brussels sprouts.

Winner: Paul for those amazing Brussels sprouts.  I'm hungry.

Bye-bye: Chuy for some overcooked salmon.  Now that's some BS!!  I love him and either of the Chrises and their nastiness needed to go!

Revelation of the Day: Blonde Chris used to be a fat douche.  Now he's just a douche.

Top Chef: Texas

Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish highlighting a chili pepper.  The hotter the pepper you choose, the more money you could win.  But you could also burn your judges' tongues off.  The Asian dude goes for the hottest pepper and wins $20,000 for it.

Elimination Challenge: It's a Chili Cookoff, bitches!  It's a team challenge -- and they can cook all night at their house.  Cooking at the house means fighting over cooking surfaces and pans.  It also means some people get to kick it in the pool while their meat braises.

There's a lot of good-looking, different chilis - one with corn/avocado salsa, one made with braised brisket and short ribs.  

Winners: Chuy, Sarah, and Chris.

Losers: Beverly, Nyesha, and Richie.  They get the opportunity to - individually - turn that chili around and make it into something good in 30 minutes.  Tragically, Beverly is successful.

Bye-bye: Richie.  Awww, how sad.  I liked him.  But he has awful facial hair.  So it's not a total loss.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Man is attacked by an invisible force that turns him into an albino.  A dead albino.  This invisible man uses his victims' pigment to become visible, then fades to invisible again.  I'm thinking that if he wants to make it more permanent, he should be killing a few black people.  Even just Broyles might do it.  Just sayin'.

Olivia's getting migraines and is on some kind of medication.  She and Lincoln engage in some late-night-diner bonding.  Meanwhile, Broyles has assigned a bodyguard/nanny to Peter - and Peter gets to live in his old house and gets a $200/week allowance!  Peter's working on his machine so he can get his sweet ass back to where it belongs.  He wants his Olivia back.

As a child, the invisible guy was a subject of genetic testing (done by a subsidiary of Massive Dynamic) that essentially turned him into a giant chameleon.   Walter does some experiments and makes himself an invisible mouse, determining that it's visible under ultraviolet light. They hunt the dude down and he dies - that's pretty much the long and short of his story.  It was about an invisible guy who just wanted to be seen.

In related news, Olivia thinks her childhood drug trials led to her having stunted emotions.  She thinks it's weird that Fringe-y things don't bother her like they probably should.

Olivia is prepping for a 3 AM date with Lincoln when a gas fills her apartment, knocking her out.  Men enter and do some kind of procedure (taking something, injecting her with something, I'm not sure)... and Nina is with them.  Nina's bad!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He eats onion rings during a remote autopsy.  Double dipped in beer batter, I think he said.  Mmmm.

This Week's Code: DAVID.  Who the eff is David!?

The show doesn't come back until mid-January some time, but when it does, it's time for Peter to cross over to the Other Universe to look for some answers.  The return of Alternate Lincoln Lee!!  YES!

Top Chef: Texas Times Two

We resume the Qualifying Challenge with Group 3, which includes a chef from Sra. Martinez, one of my favorite restaurants.  The chefs choose a plate that has one (very tame) ingredient and one hidden (and likely gross) ingredient.  But the hidden ingredient isn't an ingredient at all - it's a timer.  They have to execute what they've chosen within their allotted time which, of course, isn't as long as they wanted.

Making it to the competition from this group:  Cute Asian Dude, Blonde Pixie, and Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick.

Now it's time for the 500th Qualifying Challenge of a competition that hasn't even officially started yet.  The "on the bubble" people get to cook whatever the hell they want.  There's a lot of seafood in that joint.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Only Asian Guy In Kentucky and The Plus-Sized Model I'm In Love With.

Time for the next episode.

Quickfire Challenge: Rattlesnake.  Oh good lord.   The Aging Goth Chick (Dakota) wins.  I like her.

Elimination Challenge: In 2 teams, the chefs cook for a Quinceañera.  The girl is a surprisingly good little food critic.

You know who's going to be the death of me?  The Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick.  She's like Reese Witherspoon from Election.  On cocaine.  She mentions wanting to prove to her father that a daughter can do just as much as a son.  Daddy issues much?  And she literally went up to the meat department in Whole Foods and was all, "Excuse me, I have the most important dish here, I need assistance."  And she wasn't kidding!  She's going to be annoying as hell, but you know what's going to be awesome?  When she gets smacked back down and loses.  That'll be priceless.

The Former Prisoner made the dreaded mistake of buying frozen, pre-cooked shrimp from the store.  Hello - cook your own shrimp, dummy!  It doesn't take that long!

Bye-bye: Keith, the former prisoner.  Well, that's not a shock.  Though I was hoping they'd keep him around just to be contentious with the other chefs.  Now there's not as much chance of a shivving.  And that's disappointing.

Fringe

Freak of the Week:  Weird time displacements.  Like, in the blink of an eye a child goes from a 5-year-old to a baby, or a train appears and disappears.  Similar in appearance to the Universes colliding and overlapping, but with time.

Olivia thinks Peter is involved somehow - he's the ultimate Fringe Event.  Poor Peter - Olivia is cold as ice toward him and Walter wants nothing to do with him.  Walter begrudgingly conducts tests on Peter, but calls him "it".  The whole situation is sad as hell.

Peter experiences time jumps as well, jumping from the lab to a crime scene to the car and then back to the crime scene, rinse, repeat.  I like time displacements -- they're fun!  Not fun for the guy who's causing them though -- a guy who has created a time machine of sorts to give him his Alzheimer's-stricken wife back for 47 minutes at a time.

They track the source of the displacements to the guy's house and Walter builds a device back at the lab so they can get in.  Some of the parts he needs are in his Spider-Man fanny pack.  Of course they are.  I love you, Walter.

Peter dons the kind of device you can only have (and readily accept) on Fringe and saves the day.  In the end, Peter moves into the house that he and Walter shared in the timeline we know, and Peter tells Broyles he thinks he's in the wrong timeline.   

So now our mission: get Peter back to the REAL timeline.  And get there fast, bb!!!!  I like how it has gone from alternative universes to alternate timelines.  But we haven't seen Earth Two in a while.  I miss that Lincoln and Olivia!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He makes a bologna sandwich and offers one to Olivia, but not to Peter.  I don't like this version of Fringe where everyone's a dick to Peter!  Poor Peter!  Can't we all just get along?

This Week's Code: LIVING

Happy Anniversary

Nearly 3 years ago, I wrote this post about hating Phil Simms.  It was simple, yet powerful.  It continues to get comments randomly, including today.  God bless all the Phil Simms haters out there.  It's as true today as it ever was.  (It also features some mighty fine artwork.)

Fringe

Eff you, baseball, for taking away Fringe last week, along with found-in-a-lake-naked Pacey.

So we've got Peter being held at the FBI Building because no one knows him, but he seems to know everyone.  And also I guess because he was found in a lake naked.  He'll only talk to Walter, and medical tests show that he could indeed be Walter's son.  Walter figures it must be a third-universe version of Peter.  Peter's just trying to figure out where he belongs and why.

Meanwhile, the transparent Asian shapeshifter is on the hunt for a former Massive Dynamic scientist who worked on cellular replication.  And we find out that Olivia and her sister were essentially raised by Nina after their father died.

Peter gets in on the shapeshifter-hunting since he has experience hacking their memory disks.  Apparently these new shapeshifters can change their DNA to become totally indistinguishable from the real people - you'd never know they were copies until you saw their memory disks.  And Peter was able to track the Asian chick down via her LoJack system.  But she eventually gets away.  Not entirely sure what the whole main plot of this episode is, but it looks like Olivia has taken an interest in Lincoln, and I fully support that.  Also, Olivia had this weird moment at the end where she essentially replayed a moment.  An agent handed her a file, she put it down, and then the same agent handed her the same file.  Seemed like an odd bend in time that really isn't that odd for this show.

And in the end, we get a reallllly sweet moment between Walter and Peter.  Awwwww, my boys are back together... even if it was only for a moment.  It ended with Walter saying Peter wasn't his son, that he was there to tempt him.

The Asian shapeshifter tries the serum the scientist made, which I guess stabilizes their appearance.  She gets out an even-more-kickass-than-the-old-one Other-Universe Typewriter Communicator, and types in that the serum works.  The response?  "We're sending the others."

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He's whipping up custard (Peter's favorite dessert) in the lab.

This Week's Code: STILL.

Top Chef: Texas

They're starting out with like 29 contestants, so this is the episode where it gets narrowed down to 16.  I automatically want the dude who looks like he just got out of prison - massive neck tattoo and all.  He might shiv someone this season.  Most of these chicks look like the kind of girl who would help Buffalo Bill get a sofa in his van.  Woudja?

Qualifying Challenge: They are divided into 3 groups. 

1.  Prepare a dish using an assigned cut of a pig.  The vegan chef is in this group.  Mmmmm.  Pig.  Tom kicks out one contestant mid-cook because he's bad at butchering.  The vegan dummy can't pour soup without spilling it all over the plates.  AHAHAHA bye, dummy.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Dude Whose Eyes Are Barely Open, a couple Buffalo Bill Victims, The Black Chick, Awful Mohawk and Facial Hair Guy.  My prison inmate doesn't make it!  Oh shit, someone's dead now.

2.  Prepare a dish using the same ingredient.  And the ingredient they choose: rabbit.  In their defense, there was a lot of nasty stuff to choose from.

Making it to the competition from this group: The Plain Girl, The Big Black Guy Who Actually WAS a Prisoner (I like him), Aging Goth Chick, Creepy Tall Bald Guy, GQ Boy, and The Little Mexican Abed.

There are some people on the bubble who need to prove themselves further, including The Chinese Guy From Kentucky.  Aaaaaand the show abruptly ends.  Weird.  So we get Group 3 and the "On the Bubble" people next week?  Just cut to the chase already!

21 Jump Street

I probably don't want to admit how many times I laughed at the new red band trailer for 21 Jump Street.  So I won't.