05 May 2013

Iron Man 3

You know, now that I look at this poster, I should have suspected that I wouldn't love Iron Man 3.  Because I generally don't like chicks, and I certainly don't like chicks in my superhero movies.  Particularly when they're played by Gwyneth Paltrow.

Iron Man 3 had too much Paltrow.  Actually, the punnier thing to say is that it had too much Pepper for my taste.  She shouldn't be 2nd-billed and prominent on the damn poster either.

Now, I still mostly enjoyed the movie.  A crappy Marvel movie is like a crappy cup of coffee -- it still isn't the worst thing ever and it still gets the job done.  Does that analogy work?  I'll like Marvel movies no matter what, but I should love them.

So what was wrong with Iron Man 3?  Besides a certain blonde.  My main problem is that Tony Stark doesn't have superpowers.  Sure, he has cool technology and I'll even buy the super-convenient secret projects that are activated at just the right time.  But he shouldn't have the ability to fight and slide down steel beams when he's not in his armor.

I just want a dark, alcoholic, womanizing, self-hating, tortured Tony Stark. Not one with a steady GF whom he calls "honey."  Tony Stark shouldn't be calling a chick "honey" unless it's derogatory and dripping with sarcasm. (Clearly I need to find some fan fiction. And yes, it can be the kind where Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are banging. I'm all-in on that idea.)

But I guess a dark take on Tony Stark isn't going to work for Disney.  So instead we basically get a shoot-em-up, high-tech action flick.

Also, without giving spoilers, I can't decide if the Mandarin thing is good or bad.  On one hand, I like the concept, on the other hand I wanted him to be an awesome villain.  The poop joke was bad, I know that much.

Long story short, it looks like I'm relying on Star Trek Into Darkness, Fast & Furious 6, and - most of all - Pacific Rim to make my summer.

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