30 April 2007

Heroes: Words Cannot Describe It

I really don't know what to say, it was so kickass cool. This episode took place 5 years in the future. I love this show because it can so easily play with timelines. The past, the present, different possible futures. Time-traveling Hiro makes all things possible. This future is dark and deee-pressing.

The bomb has gone off and the government is rounding up Heroes as terrorists. Niki is Peter’s girlfriend and Peter has a nasty scar on his face and has loads and loads of awesome powers. Matt and The Haitain work for Homeland Security. Nathan is President, only eventually we find out it's not Nathan, it's Sylar - now with even better hair! Mohinder works for Nathan and he’s researching a way to reverse Heroes’ powers. They outlawed their breeding and track their movements. Damn! Nathan wants to exterminate all of them. Double damn! Bennet is working to help hide Heroes like refugees. Claire is a waitress, and her dad is also hiding her.

The story was great. I wanted to see more of the Peter/Sylar showdown, and generally some more of Peter kicking ass. I'd have been happy if they kept a couple episodes set in the future. Alas, it's back to the present with Hiro on a mission to kill Sylar.

24 Finds the Recipe for Success

I’m trying a new approach to Monday nights. I’m watching 24 live and DVR-ing Heroes so I won’t be so bitter when I go to bed. But it turns out 24 wasn’t bad so no worries anyway.

It’s 1 AM and Audrey is acting like Helen Hunt in that film we always had to watch in school about angel dust. This girl is on some serious dust. She’s on her way to CTU Medical, which I’m sure is equipped to handle PTSD of this magnitude.

Nadia denies Morris’s request for transfer. Chloe apologizes to Morris and seems generally sorry and upset that she crossed a line (like, the 758th line she has crossed, but the only one she has apologized for). He tells her they are done, over, kaput. Chloe tries to cry. What is this, Days of Our Lives?

President Powers Boothe’s girlfriend/assistant Lisa gets into her house and starts making out with someone who isn’t Powers Boothe. They talk about the Presidential situation or some other BS while making out.

Russian President calling via videophone. He’s a little salty about Russian technology falling into Chinese hands. Wow, news travels fast! It must be – dun dun – a spy!

Cheng transmits the chip to some Other Chinese Dude – but it’s damaged! They need to find someone who can fix it or some crap. I say let’s get Morris back on the case – all it takes is a drill.

Lisa’s taking an after-sex shower while her boy toy downloads information from her PDA. He calls a New Bad Guy and tells him they have the information.

CTU has brought in a Psychiatric Specialist, so I guess they are qualified to handle Audrey after all. Nadia expects a diagnosis within 2 minutes, and she gets one – some kind of catatonic state. The doctor recommends basically shocking her out of it. But let’s not take a doctor’s advice – let’s ask Jack Bauer since he will have some kind of magical influence on her that transcends the drugs she’s been shot up with hundreds of times. Nadia and Ricky snipe back and forth at each other about how to proceed. These two are BORING!

Tom identifies the leak – Lisa called a lobbyist (who has had contact with Russian agents) 3 times since they found out about the Russian circuitboard. They’ve already pulled up joint hotel bills and have determined that they are sleeping together. Powers Boothe: “Then we have a bigger problem. Because I’ve been sleeping with her too.” Mike and I scream OH SNAP and Tom just sits there open-mouthed while Powers confesses. Then, ever the snake, Tom thinks of a way to turn this to their advantage.

Ricky secretly lets Jack loose and tells him he needs to knock him out and go help Audrey. So Jack makes his way through CTU, knocks out medical personnel, and lets Audrey out of her restraints. We get a good lockdown alarm, which I look forward to every year. Now it’s not a total disappointment of a season! Jack locks himself and Audrey into a basement room. Jack’s whispery growls get through to her just as CTU breaks the door open. She says “Bloomfield” just as they’re about to take her back to the doctor for some shock treatment. Consider the shock treatment called off.

Lisa returns and Tom and Powers greet her with the best “you dirty whore” look ever!!! Powers tells her she has been played by the boy toy, apparently without her knowledge. Powers wants Lisa to go back to the boyfriend and get information from him. He threatens to stick her in prison/solitary confinement for treason if she F’s them over.

My boy Secretary Heller shows up at Audrey’s bedside. Suddenly I realize this episode has been pretty damn good! Heller wants to talk to Jack. He tells Jack not to go near Audrey ever again; what happened to her is his fault. Secretary Heller kicks so much ass. He tells Jack he’s cursed – “everything you touch ends up dead.” Dagger!

It’s amazing what a little Secretary Heller, lockdown alarm, and dirty-whore-gets-caught can do for 24!

A Dream Fulfilled

I just got home to find a Nielsen Ratings Diary in my mailbox. I couldn't be more excited; it's really pathetic! And there was $5 in the envelope. You mean I get paid for living a dream? This is too good to be true!

My week starts Thursday, through next Wednesday. I can't wait to write down the embarrassing amount (and content) of television that I watch.

24 Producers Read Baloney & Cereal; Promise to Make Changes

Excerpts from this article in The Los Angeles Times:
JACK BAUER, America's favorite counter-terrorism agent with the violent code of honor and the weird sadomasochistic bent, is squaring off against a stealthy and unforgiving new enemy.

His fans.

After peaking in the ratings last year, Fox's thriller 24 has been getting dumped on by seemingly everyone in this, its sixth season. Critics and fans alike are aiming tomatoes at the stage, carping about the soapy and repetitive plotlines that unspool Jack's unlikely familial past, tiresome romantic triangles in the security bureaucracy and endless bickering among Oval Office advisors.

Last week, with a fresh episode designed to lay the groundwork for what the creators promise will be a typically suspenseful finale next month, 24's ratings in the key young-adult category swooned to their lowest level in more than three years, with a total audience of just 10.4 million, according to figures from Nielsen Media Research. More than one-third of viewers have bailed since the special four-hour season premiere that aired over two consecutive nights back in January.

The producers promise that some big changes are on the way for Jack and other regulars next season. "It hurts to hear the criticism," said executive producer and writer Howard Gordon, who spoke with me last week by phone as the cast and crew crashed to finish shooting the season's final episode, set to air May 21.

"I don't dispute it's been a challenging season to write for us. But it's reinvigorated our determination to reinvent the show. This year could be seen to be the last iteration of it in its current state."

Longtime devotees are struggling to keep the faith during this trying season. "The writers have recycled some plots this season that are glaringly obvious: a recording, an almost removed president, an assassination attempt on that president, an attack on a Middle Eastern country, an impending nuclear strike, a person close to Jack kidnapped, etc.," Victor Lana, a novelist who follows 24 for BlogCritics Magazine, wrote in an e-mail. But "the bottom line is that we still care about Jack Bauer."

I wonder what they mean by reinventing the show. Honestly, I'm ready to drop the real-time conceit. They thought about losing it after Season 1, and going with each episode taking place in one day. Either that, or just get some new goddamn writers! Or, as a last resort, give Jack Bauer the power to regenerate....never mind, he has that. How about the power to time travel? Dammit! He has that too!

The Sopranos is Poop... Literally

The Sopranos had worn out its welcome with me. I thought it should have ended about two years ago. Turns out I was wrong, because if it did, we wouldn’t have had a scene with a kid taking a crap in a gym shower and stepping in it. So now I love The Sopranos again! That was pretty great – I love Goth Vito Jr.

I also like how Tony is out of control with his gambling. Watching him lose was tough. And then he and Carmella had a great fight about it.

But the show is still terribly random. Why did Hesh’s girlfriend (have we ever even met her before?) have to die in her sleep? Random. That’s indicative of the way this season has been. Little segments of stories, not really all weaving together. We visit with Johnny Sack one week, Uncle June the next week. We get AJ breaking up with his girlfriend. Meadow’s pretty much MIA. And then that Middle Eastern guy from last season shows up on the street. Again, no reason, just random.

27 April 2007

Just When I Thought the Eagles Couldn't Get Any Gayer

I know the Ravens Purple is trifling, but this is worse.
September 23 vs. the Detroit Lions, the team taking the field in these bizarre blue and yellow uniforms will be your Philadelphia Eagles. In honor of the teams' 75th anniversary season the Eagles will seize the opportunity to sell more jerseys by donning the uniforms they first wore in 1933 and inherited from the Frankford Yellow Jackets.

26 April 2007

Is Anyone Watching Road Rules?

This show has me confused. First of all, my DVR has done me the favor of being hella inconsistent and only recording every other episode or so. Not sure why, but it's probably doing me a favor.

Did this show backfire on the producers? Who was the ad wizard who determined the cast would vote someone into The Pit each week? It's gotten to the point where the same 4 people vote the same 1 or 2 people into The Pit. That's not fair! And if there's one thing I expect of Road Rules, it's judiciousness! What makes it even more unfair is it is usually the people thrown in The Pit who do the best on the missions and the old-timers who screw them up.

Why did Danny have big Virginia Tech logos on his arms? Did he go there, or does he just like to be PC? I also don't know what the deal was with his crying at the end. He wigged out worse than Rachel on The Inferno. He didn't seem to be mad at them for their unfairness -- he was crying about how they were the best people he's ever met. WTF?

25 April 2007

The Real World

Thank god Outward Bound is over because it is boring. These people aren't interesting if they're not drunk off their asses.

Is there a time when Colie isn't sick? Mono again? She has earned the nickname E. Colie. No surprise though since her hygiene isn't the best, as we saw in the "bloopers" after the show - she urinated in a padded envelope in the car. (A padded envelope, Kim - we didn't think of that one!)

Brooke overcame her fear of heights. From the look of things, it was a 6 foot drop. The shot overlooking the valley made it look steeper. Brooke takes a camping trip with Katrina victims and makes it all about her. Another example of how she's like me!

Let's get their vacation going so they can get trashed and hook up!

Sanjaya: A Straight Pothead?

As one of American Idol's most polarizing figures, fans either love or hate Sanjaya Malakar – but he says he's always been popular with women. "I've always gotten along with girls better because I was raised by women," Malakar tells PEOPLE in its new issue.

"I got teased in school because people figured I must be gay because I understand women," the phenomenally popular American Idol castoff says. "I think that's why guys didn't like me – because I got along with girls so well. When I went up to girls they would give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek like I was their gay friend. But I was the straight guy that understood them."

As for his dating past, Malakar, who is now 17, says: "I had a girlfriend but she became clingy, and I didn't want to get into a really serious relationship because I was 16. Before his arrival on the hit FOX show, "I just wanted to date and have fun," he says.

I think "she was clingy" is code for "she had a vagina and gross boobs".
Malakar's American-born mother, Jillian Blyth, was busted in Pierce County, Wash., in February 2005 after neighbors reported smelling marijuana and noticed a large vent on the garage roof, according to court records. Cops discovered 310 marijuana plants and growing lights.

Sanjaya's mother pleaded guilty to one felony count of unlawful manufacturing of a controlled substance. She faced up to five years behind bars, but was sentenced to just 30 days.

I wish all this had come out while he was still on the show. This really makes him interesting!

24 April 2007

American Idol Inspirations

Tonight begins Idols Give Back. Of course I fast-forwarded through all the charity crap. Let's get to the really important stuff. First things first, Simon and that chest hair. Ryan asks the question we're all wondering "Where's the button?" Simon's response: "Stop looking, Ryan." You can never get one by Cowell! Especially you, Ryan!

Chris - What's up with the suit on top, cargo pants and sneakers on the bottom? Lame. No surprise I didn't like him, even though he was pretty good. He's the White Justin Timberlake.

Shrek was a pro as always. Blake was a bit monotone; simple, but good. LaKisha was back to belting, thank god. Love her! Unfortunately, the judges didn't love it. Vote for her now to save her!!

Phil - I talked through the whole thing. Does that mean he was boring? The judges liked it.

Jordin was so great. And she's so cute! Always crying through her praises! Need her to win!

Go home: LaKisha and Blake were in the bottom two last week and didn't really stand out tonight, so I worry for them. But I hope it's Chris.

Inferno Report

I was just about to knock The Inferno for being boring when along came the actual Inferno. I can't believe Jenn and her extra N and bad eyebrows beat Rachel! And then Rachel broke down sobbing over it and stomped out without saying goodbye. I wonder what she was like in Iraq. What happened to the tough Army girl? She's that upset over this? When T.J. has to tell you "It's just a game" you know it's bad. 'Cuz T.J. takes his Infernos seriously.

Next week we get a little pseudo-sexual assault drama. I'm sure Colie's not blowing anything out of proportion. Colie?

One Thumb Up

Holy crap! This is Rogert Ebert! I'm terrified!!!

What happened was, cancer of the salivary gland spread to my right lower jaw. A segment of the mandible was removed. Two operations to replace the missing segment were unsuccessful, both leading to unanticipated bleeding. A tracheostomy was necessary so, for the time being, I cannot speak. I make do with written notes and a lot of hand waving and eye-rolling. The doctors now plan an approach that does not involve the risk of unplanned bleeding. If all goes well, my speech will be restored.

Great Tackle!

This kid must have some money healing powers - it looks like his neck gets snapped!

23 April 2007

24: Live Blogging For My Iranian Audience

Ricky flags down a car. Hey, why are people on the road when a nuclear bomb went off earlier? My ass would be home watching the carnage on CNN while eating ice cream. Wait, it's midnight. My ass would be sleeping.

Bill asks Chloe to help CTU as they try to locate Jack, even though 7 minutes ago he told her not to. Chloe can't stay down for long. She and Morris work to find Jack, whose tracker has been disabled by the power lines on the side of the road, or something.

President Daniels and Tom work out a truce. BFFs, those two. They agree to keep Karen on. Pretty smart, since she's proven to be a troublemaker.

I have a problem with Jack putting Audrey's life above national security. This was the kind of emotional S Tony used to pull. Jack was always Mr. The Country Is More Important Than Anything. Suddenly, he has switched positions on this. Lucky for Audrey. But I digress... Jack calls The Chinaman on the way to see him. They agree on a new location to meet and the Chinese roll out. Somebody get Audrey some conditioner! What happened to Miss Herbal Essences from the previous seasons?

Daniels puts the moves on his assistant, Lisa. He calls himself a dirty old man. They kiss and I want to VOMIT!! He asks her to spend the night. Nice that his first act in office is to mack on a chick. Let's hope he turns out as good a President as Clinton. Lisa goes home to pack a bag. And then presumably get down and dirty - in Wayne's bed!

Chloe and Morris are getting snippy with each other. Seriously, they've been going back and forth for like 5 minutes. Til Chloe says, "Why don't you go arm a nuclear weapon for terrorists!" [Sad horns] Debbie Downer!

Meanwhile, Chad Lowe (remember him?) has been undergoing interrogation. He threw Bill Buchanan under the bus about releasing Fayed from custody back in the day and Karen covering it up (remember that?). Some Justice dude asks Karen about it. She says Fayed wasn't a big deal back then. Justice dude says heads have to roll, and it's either Karen or Bill. Looks like they're back to a one-income household. Whoever gets canned has to make dinner! Karen tells Tom about this. Tom thinks Bill's got to go because he really did screw up and Karen needs to keep her job because she didn't.

Jack rolls up to The Location and takes his Messenger Bag of Death. I hope it's loaded with goodies like last year. Jack sets the C4 in The Location. He leaves a message for Bill explaining that he intends to blow the place up and asking Bill to take care of Audrey. That's going to be tough on just one income!

Morris requests a transfer because he can't work with Chloe. One fight and Bill has to reorganize the entire CTU org chart? Karen calls Bill and explains their pickle. She says she has to fire Bill. Bill goes nuts. Well, as nuts as Bill gets. The conversation ends when he hangs up on her. Nice! Bill tells Nadia he was fired. Nadia is Acting Director. Wasn't this bitch just answering the phones or something at the beginning of the season? And now she's in charge? She's like 22 years old and just a few hours ago her security clearance was revoked and she was suspected of being a terrorist. Pretty good person to put in charge. Bye bye Bill Buchanan.

Ricky has been hot on Jack's trail. He finds Jack's truck as The Chinese Limo arrives. Goody, now he can give the Color Commentary for the folks back at CTU. Jack sees Audrey, removes her gag (sexy!), and apologizes to her. Audrey is released (Jack called a cab earlier to meet her down the street). Jack hands over the circuit to The Chinaman. Surprise - CTU teams converge before Jack can blow the place, but after The Chinaman escapes - with the circuit. The Chinese take out the CTU Copter so it can't follow. Ricky jumped the gun on the assault and Jack gives him hell for it. When is he going to learn to listen?! Nadia orders Ricky to arrest Jack. Audrey's acting all spacey and Jack asks her if she even knows who he is. She continues to act like there are bugs crawling all over her or something as the show ends.

And Mike says, "Geez, I hate this show. I used to love it. I own all of them."

Amen to that, brother - won't be buying this season on DVD!

Heroes: Holy Crap This Show is Hella Good

The only disappointing thing about this show is that there are only 4 episodes left.

Bennet and Matt communicated through the wall by Matt reading Bennet's mind. Awesome! He had Matt get Ted to emit an EMP and break them out. Awesome!! Ted's radioactive power makes me giddy. The Three Musketeers teamed up for a hot, middle-aged road trip.

We learned Linderman's money power - healing. Not self-healing, like Claire, but healing other living things. What power does Mama Petrelli have? Linderman told Nathan how all the old people with powers banded together and tried to make a difference. Then some went rogue and used their powers for evil. Linderman thinks the explosion in New York will be a catalyst for good. Nathan is destined to give the people hope and lead them. In fact, he's supposed to be President.

Sylar and Peter had a Lil' Showdown. Peter went invisible, so Sylar threw shards of glass all over, with one sticking in the back of Peter's head. He dies, and Mike immediately calls that he won't really be dead - like Claire, all you have to do is remove the cause of death and he'll be good as new. Whew. Because when Nathan cried over Peter's dead body, I cried with him, thinking we would never see them French. Luckily, Claire found the piece of glass, pulled it out, and Peter came back to life. Claire is told to go to Paris for a week with Mama Petrelli, to stay out of the news before the election.

Sylar went after Isaac, who knew he is destined to be killed. Isaac realized he doesn't have anything to live for, told Sylar he will be defeated, and then Sylar cut his brain out. Isaac said he knew he was meant to die, but said that he was able to do something heroic first - "tell them how to kill" Sylar. So I'm guessing he painted this and sent it to someone. Awesome! RIP Isaac. Sylar got Isaac's ability to paint the future, only with less talent so the painting is quite ugly and macabre.

Five years in the future, Hiro sees the destruction in New York. He goes to find Isaac, but finds instead a timeline of events - made by Future Hiro. Hiro and Future Hiro come face to face.

Next week: we're 5 years in the future. Peter looks all Matrix and has the scar on his face. Nathan is President. It's just TOO DAMN AWESOME-LOOKING!!!!!!!

I Wanna Be Like Mike

Is it in you?

That Val Kilmer is One Piece of Ass

I can't even bring myself to make the obvious beached whale joke here. Dayum.

The Joker?

There is some doubt as to the authenticity of this alleged make-up test for The Joker for The Dark Knight. But I'll post it as fact. I think it looks cool, and very much in keeping with the realistic approach these Batmans are taking. It also reminds me of The Crow.

Are You Ready?


Finally, some good television. I don't even remember what happened on this show, it feels like it's been off the air for a year. But whatever happened I'm sure it was good. And the legend continues...

I cannot wait to get home and station myself in front of the television, awaiting 9:00.

Is It Just Me?

Or does The Sopranos stink? All 3 of the episodes so far have felt like set up. Eventually you have to stop setting up and actually get to something! New York bosses keep getting whacked, but we don't even know who they are. Shooting a guy in the eye is cool and all, but I don't even know what his name was! The scenes with Uncle Junior and the ragin' Asian were funny, but seemed pretty pointless. It seemed to me like Tony wanted to kill Paulie on that boat. I hate Paulie and yet pity him at the same time. He lives a pretty pathetic life - he owns like 10 pairs of those white shoes. But he's annoying as hell and needs to shut the F up.

22 April 2007

2 Snaps Up In Z Formation

I saw two great movies this weekend. Hot Fuzz is bloody hysterical!! It's from the same people that did the brilliant Sean of the Dead. This time, instead of zombie movies, it's a send-up of action movies. It's really funny -- I hope these guys keep making movies.
If you want to see two great actors act the S out of a movie, go see Fracture. Sure, Ryan Gosling looks a little like a retarded 12 year old when he's supposed to be a lawyer, but this movie was really good too. No one does mind games quite like Anthony Hopkins. Mike knew how the plot was going to go down from the beginning. I didn't. That must mean the plot was really obvious, and I'm just losing my edge.

20 April 2007

Father of the Year

Alec Baldwin wins that title with this message that he left his daughter. OK, so the guy has an Irish temper. But I guarantee you parents all over the country are leaving messages like this for their kids. If Mike's mom were famous she would have been all over the news for hitting her kid with Hot Wheels tracks and kicking him out of the car and leaving him in the woods alone. It's called parenting.

19 April 2007

The Real World is Full of Crazy White Chicks

I really enjoyed this episode of The Real World. I enjoyed watching Jenn's slow decline. It took her like 4 days to tell her boyfriend the truth about all of her conquests. He knew she had sex with Alex before he came to visit. Then finds out she had sex with Alex twice. Then she tells him she hooked up with Steven's friend. And swears that's it. Then he finds out she actually had sex with Steven's friend. And again says that's it. Then she tells him she banged some dude named John I don't even remember. But he took the news well and they're going to work things out. Oh, how sweet. Get tested, dude.

Also great - Brooke crying because a guy asked her to go bowling. Issues much?


The show opens with Chahhlie taking an arrow to the throat - woah, that was the nastiest thing I've seen on TV. Of course, it is actually one of Desmond's flash-forwards. He foresees yet another Death of Chahhlie, but this time wants it to happen because he believes it will lead to finding his girlfriend. Who apparently took a helicopter to the island and then parachuted out. Only he can't allow Chahhlie to die, and the parachuter doesn't end up being his girlfriend, but it's another chick who knows him. Also, she had a picture of Desmond and Penny in a Portuguese book. The people at the end of last season who worked for Penny and discovered the electromagnetic signature of the island were Portuguese.

Desmond has lived a hell of a life - military, prison, monk, boat racer, Dharma lackey.

The good:

Jin telling a ghost story in untranslated Korean. The debate over who would win a footrace, Superman or The Flash, with Hurley answering why Superman would even enter a footrace -- "for charity."

When the monk "fired" Desmond, there was a picture on his desk of him and the creepy antique-store lady who told Desmond about how he can't change the future or whatever. I noticed this because the picture was horrifically Photoshopped. It looked like a kid's scrapbook or something. Spend some money on the production values, people.

The bad:

I am really sick of these fake backdrops. Filming in Hawaii makes for gorgeous island scenes, but it also means that you get horrifically fake backdrops for all the flashbacks. They looked like paintings. Again, spend some money on CGI, or fly people to LA for Christsakes.

18 April 2007

America The Beautiful

Wow. This is the greatest country on Earth. Sanjaya is gone from American Idol. I'm amazed. I didn't think it would happen for a couple more weeks.

Bottom 3: Blake, LaKisha, and Sanjaya. I said I would drive my remote control into my heart if it was Blake. I was definitely up and pacing when it was between LaKisha and Sanjaya. There was no making fun of Sanjaya this episode, so that was a clue that he was going to lose.

I give the boy props for changing the words of his song to "Let's give them something to talk about, other than hair." The kid had a good sense of humor through all this. Still glad he's GONE!

Platypus or Shrek


Another Reason to Love the Beckhams

A nice shot of his new (right) arm tattoo... love it!

17 April 2007

The American Idols Sing God's Music

Lord, I hate country music. Every year this is the worst theme night for me. Usually no one sounds good to me, because I hate the genre.

I could recognize that Phil was really, really good though. Country music seems to attract odd-looking guys, so he might actually have a career here. It's OK to be bald at a young age - you just wear a hat.

Jordin was AMAZING!!

I was really holding out hope that Sanjaya would wear a mullet wig and sing "Achy Breaky Heart." Alas, we got a crazy bandanna hairstyle and "Something to Talk About." He was back to his horrific self. It was just bad karaoke - and he's still not projecting. The best part of his performance was that it caused a nice fight to break out between Simon and Ryan. I love it when the Lovebirds fight. They make American Idol the most homoerotic singing competition on television.

LaKisha looked amazing (I'll ignore the boots). But it wasn't her best vocal! Country always screws these diva singers. Every year there's a really good singer who gets the boot too soon - and I'm worried it could be her.

Then Chris came along and stunk up the joint. He was pitchy, nasally, and he always seems out of breath to me. Then he throws the A-hole opportunistic move of giving a shout-out to everyone at Virginia Tech. Because he's from Virginia. Simon rolled his eyes. I don't blame him - the kid knows what he's doing. He's in hot water, so he pulls a symapthetic move. Well played, Chris. That makes me hate you more.

Melinda was great, of course. I just wasn't feeling the song. Her hair was MUCH better. I kind of feel bad for her because I read that she knows people call her Shrek. Kind of.

I wasn't really feeling Blake's song, but he did well. The man has no lips, but he was showing the tattoos again, which always scores points with me.

Go home: In a perfect world, Sanjaya. In a world I can live in, Chris. In the world we live in, LaKisha.

The Inferno

Nothing too exciting in this episode. Nothing ever changes with these Challenges. Here's what we can always rely on:

- Aneesa will fight with another girl. She picked on Ev, then when Ev told her to stop yelling at her, Aneesa was all, I'm not yelling at you. Looks like they will be the Big Enemies this Challenge.

- Danny will 'roid out. He was stomping around after the Bad Asses lost and generally acting like the A-hole he is.

- Paula will wear too much makeup in her interviews.

Next week: Susie v. Jenn in the Inferno.

Your Source for Wiggles News

Breaking news: at least one of The Wiggles is actually straight!!!
Anthony Field, the Blue Wiggle in the successful Australian preschool band The Wiggles, and his wife Mikki welcomed their third child, Antonio Carlos, last Friday night, the musician's publicist confirms. Anthony, 44 (44!!!), and Miki also have two daughters: Lucia Angela, 3, and Maria Claire, 18 months.

Will Ferrell is a Freaking Genius

Click here to see why.

Why I Love Sawks Fans

I also love the broadcasters for showing the pizza-throwing in slo-mo several times.

16 April 2007

24 Would Be Better If I Cared About Any of the Characters Except Jack

To start off tonight's show, Jack gets shot up with some magic painkiller. Good, now we can write off the injuries he sustained last week. Jack calls the Chinaman back. He wants a circuitboard off the Russian suitcase nukes - they have something that will allow the Chinese access to Russian defense technology. WTF? The circuitboard of a nuke has defense codes? I'm not getting this but I'll just accept it as fact.

Bill Buchanan is briefing CTU about their accomplishments, and they're figuring out where to have Happy Hour. Jack calls Chloe with the dagger that Audrey is still alive and being held by the Chinese. Of course Chloe drops everything without much question and breaks into Morris's computer to download the nuke schematics for Jack. Morris catches her, so she brings him into the loop, but he doesn't buy her "Jack gave me his word" reasoning. He forces her to tell Bill.

Jack's stunt double is busy climbing all over the warehouse ceiling, literally climbing down pipes, and generally taking the long way to get to the nukes, when he probably could have just strongarmed his way through the front door. He yells his way past the guards and removes the circuitboard from one of the nukes. Ricky catches Jack and orders him to stand down. He has a guard knock Jack the F out and put him under arrest.

Jack whines to Bill that they should save Audrey, and asks to speak to Wayne. Jack gives his word that the circuitboard won't make it into Chinese hands, saying he'll blow it up with C-4 if necessary. But blowing it up will mean that Saint Jack will also die. Wayne has to authorize a suicide mission! It's all too Wow-that-Jack-is-so-selfless for my tastes. But Jack isn't totally selfless - he also wants to take the Chinaman out for revenge, once Audrey is clear. He's taking Ricky along for the ride. They imbed the circuitboard with a tracking device, and Jack brings along a Messenger Bag of Doom for good measure.

In other presidential news.... Tom told Wayne he has the tape of the Vice President conspiring to commit perjury. Wayne called for everyone to move out of the bunker and back to the White House. We got more shots of the real President (David) Palmer's picture, just to remind us of how awesome the President used to be on this show. Wayne met with VP Daniels and gave him a breakup speech, asking him to resign. Daniels refused; Wayne threw the recording in his face, and told him to resign within a week. Daniels looked like he wanted to choke Wayne with his bare hands. The VP told his Ice Princess assistant about his resignation and the recording and they totally are together - because they were holding hands and he said, "At least we'll have more time to spend together." Eeewww. Is that really a good thing for her?

While flop-sweating his way through a congratulatory press conference, Wayne starts losing his mind, not answering questions correctly and stuttering and calling people by the wrong names (generally behaving like Bush at a press conference). He strokes out, collapses, and the VP tucks his resignation letter back into his pocket. This scene was terribly predictable and poorly acted. I think I stroked out a little myself during it.

Wayne's unconscious, on his way to Bethesda, and therefore out of presidential commission. The United States is about to get its 5th President in 5 years. Almost-Acting-President Daniels doesn't agree with the Jack Bauer mission and orders CTU to call it off. Bill calls Ricky and orders him to secretly divert their car to CTU and disarm Jack. Jack instantly knows something is up. He holds a gun on Ricky and threatens to treat him like Curtis - nobody stands in Saint Jack's way!!! Ricky tries to tell Jack he can't go against the White House. Can't he? Jack dumps Ricky out of the car and drives off.

You know, I would be so much more into this story if Jack were going to rescue Tony and not Audrey.

Next week: Imagine this, if you can: "Jack Bauer has gone rogue."

In Remake News

Edward Norton will play Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk, taking over the role played by Eric Bana in the first Hulk movie. Louis Leterrier (Transporter 2) will direct with an eye on a June 13, 2008 release. The movie begins with Banner on the run, trying to avoid capture long enough to cure the condition that turns him into the Hulk.

I for one hope that they cast a big dude in the role of Hulk and do away with the CGI. There's no way to make a CGI Hulk realistic. And I like my comic book movies realistic.

Warner Bros. has tapped writer Lawrence Kasdan (Return of the Jedi, The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark) to pen a remake of the 1981 cult classic Clash of the Titans. The story revolves around Zeus' son, Perseus, and his journey to save Princess Andromeda. Zeus forces his son to face various trials along the way, including capturing Pegasus and slaying Medusa.

I'd be totally up for an updated Clash of the Titans. Bring back Harry Hamlin in a bad wig!


Just when I thought Brangelina couldn't get any more perfect... they pick up a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake. If it was half Peppermint Stick and half Mint Chocolate Chip, then I want them to adopt me.

15 April 2007

Grindhouse Rocks the Fat Ass

Grindhouse is the best time you'll have at the movies all year - guaranteed! It was amazing; I laughed and applauded through the whole thing. It was 3 hours long - you get your money's worth with this movie. I'm ready to see it again, but I'm waiting. They are talking about re-releasing it as two separate movies. If they do that, I am so there.

I think I liked Planet Terror best - that's the Robert Rodriguez zombie movie first half. It was a sick movie, and I mean that literally and figuratively. Freddy Rodriguez, Naveen Andrews, and Rose McGowan rocked the S out of this movie. It was definitely gross, but in an over-the-top, funny way. It was truly hysterical. The fake movie trailers were also hysterical and sick.

Death Proof was true Quentin Tarantino, which is to say a tad wordy and self-indulgent. I didn't think it really fit in with the Grindhouse theme at first, but toward the end it did. Otherwise it just felt like a regular, good Q.T. movie. Also, it didn't have the same amount of scratches and jumps as Planet Terror. I really enjoyed that aspect of the first half, because it really added to the whole atmosphere of the Grindhouse experience. And I like the mysticism!

I loved these F-ing movies! They really give you an adrenaline rush.

12 April 2007

America Does the Right Thing: Sorry, Dudes

Haley and Her Legs got voted off last night. No more near-upskirts and wardrobe malfunctions.

All Hope is Not LOST Yet

See? A TV show can totally piss me off and then slowly worm its way back into my good graces!! This was a really good episode, with a nice twist. Classic Lost, without a monster though.

We finally get a few answers, all because Sayid the Hot Iraqi Voice of Reason finally asks important questions. Juliet: "If I tell you, you'll kill me." Sayid: "What do you think I'll do if you don't?" My man is finally getting some killer lines!! Juliet was brought to the island as a fertility expert, because the women there die while they're pregnant. Also there was something there about Ben being able to cure cancer? And yet he got a tumor? Don't get it, but I'm going with it.

I'm sick of Jack being god: "The fact that I trust her should be enough." Really? Because you got PLAYED! At the end, we find out Juliet really was planted there. They staged Juliet's big rescue of Claire to boost her street cred and gain their trust. Now she has infiltrated them and is working with Ben who told her in flashback, "See you in a week." KILLER!

11 April 2007

Real World: Nut Town

It's always great to watch someone go into a rage. Brooke went ape-S over Davis calling her ugly. She stomped around the house, wrote big scribbly notes to him about how much she hates him, broke his stuff, tore the blankets off his bed - she's the greatest!! Why isn't she on the Inferno? Oh, right, because she's lazy and won't do anything physical.

Also, mad props to Davis for calling out all the girls on how ugly they are - to their faces! He really deserves that Bad Ass title, I'm telling you.

Next week: Jen's new friend finds out that he'll probably get 3 different STDs from her and she's upset with Davis for telling him what a whore she is. Yippee!

Another Favorite Celebrity Couple

Are Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling setting up some secret nuptials? A source close to McAdams tells Us Weekly, "They're madly in love and plan on getting married this year." But the couple "want to avoid the press. So they agreed to get engaged and married on the same day - and won't allow their families to talk about it."

Both McAdams, 30, and Gosling, 26, were born in St. Joseph's hospital in London, Ontario, and grew up near one another but didn't meet until they both starred in 2004's The Notebook.

They are totally the new Reese & Ryan - double R's! They just make me sick. (But I didn't realize how much she was robbing the cradle with him! Even better!)

Wanted: Inferno Aftershow Writer for Big-Time Blog

Kim, Please make sure to comment on any Inferno posts with relevant Aftershow material. I refuse to cross that line and watch those. But I must hear the gossip. Thanks.

10 April 2007

AI: Latino Music Can Only Be Sung By Actual Latinos

Pretty much all performances were adequate or sub-par. EXCEPT MY BOY BLAKE!!! I can ignore the sweaty pits - he was the bomb! I love my tattooed man. He had some balls to sing the mentor's husband's song too! (He has inspired me to vote for the first time this season, but I can't get through - good sign!) Jordin was the best girl. Haley stinks on ice. The song was too ambitious for her - she couldn't keep up with the rhythm or the high notes.

The producers know who the real draw is - they chose Sanjaya to close it out! Who saw the facial hair coming? He wasn't bad; he wasn't great. He ain't going nowhere!!

Jennifer Lopez was a good mentor - she gave a lot of feedback. Sure, it was half about dancing or how to pronounce Spanish, but it was way more than Gwen did.

Go home: Haley, if there's a god.

The Inferno Returns

And it's awesome, as always! It's in South Africa this year. Bad Asses v. Good Guys. But I have some problems with the designations, such as:

David is a Good Guy? He called someone the n-word! How much more badass can you get?
Danny is a Bad Ass? Yeah. He's so scary bad. I f-ing hate him.
Tonya's back - and she's married?! I'm going to have to investigate that.
Timmy's the Token Old One.
Rachel and Aneesa are the Token Fatties.
Rachel and Ev are the Who's That Again?

On the first night, CT gave Davis a huge black eye (or, in CT-speak, "a wicked shinah") - off-camera, unfortunately. For a minute there I thought Davis was making out with John in the bathroom, but it turned out he was nursing a black eye. CT's a hothead idiot. Derrick replaces him. Good! It's not a Challenge without my favorite hothead drunk midget.

The season looks to have lots of great fighting. And we get Tonya maybe-cheating on her husband. Of course! It's Tonya!

Well, Duh

Photographer Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a court in the Bahamas ruled Tuesday after seeing DNA evidence. On the steps of the court, Birkhead said he was looking forward to having custody of baby Dannielynn. Howard K. Stern, who Smith publicly identified as the baby's father, said he would not fight the ruling.

I'm such a dork; I'm happy for him. I always got the feeling that he is excited about being the father. Don't screw her up too badly!

Now They're Just Getting TOO Cute

THANK GOD for a Hollywood mom who actually spends time with her kid. Violet gets a lot of fresh air.

09 April 2007

24: It Takes a Village to Recap This Episode

So Houman - did you do what you said you were going to do and stop watching this show? It's hard to substantively recap this show, but I'll try for you....

We start out with a little of the good old-school 24. Jack punched Fayed around, but of course Fayed doesn't want to give up the goods. Ricky wants to kill him. Jack orders Fayed taken back to CTU because they're going to need to use a "pharmaceutical package." Burke's getting ready, baby! Jack ended that scene with a classic Jack line, "Now we're gonna have some fun." Hells yes!

Hey - here's my idea of fun - no more scenes in the f-ing White House bunker. President Wayne's launching of a nuke against Middleastia was just a bluff. He got the Ambassador to admit that they arrested some General Habib dude. There was a whole scene of, "Wow, you really are brilliant, Wayne". And "I'm no David, but I'm trying." And a quick line about Sandra going back to Walid's hospital. Smell ya later, Sandra!

On the way to CTU, the van with Jack, Ricky, and Fayed is ambushed and Fayed escapes. Just when I was saying "Jesus, hasn't this been done 1000 times before?", 24 flips the script -- it was all a (quickly well-orchestrated) ruse. The Arabs are CTU agents pretending they work for General Habib, and offering to take Fayed to the nukes. But Fayed wants to talk to Habib first. This brings us to the worst line of the night: Bill Buchanan: "We're going to have to involve the President." No! Not the President! Keep him out of the rest of the episode!

Oh, did I mention that Wayne's hand is shaking a lot? Wayne must have a teeny weanie because he was overcompensating all over this episode. First with the nuclear bluff, and then he told the Ambassador to threaten to kill Habib's family so that Habib would cooperate. It works; Habib lies and says that he sent the faux-terrorists to get Fayed, and tells Fayed to get the bombs and then he'll give him a new target. But Nadia re-listens to the Fayed/Habib conversation and detects a distress signal. So CTU's cover is blown. Big surprise - they lose surveillance of the van in a tunnel, and Fayed shoots all the CTU agents and escapes. Jack catches up to Fayed as he hijacks a garbage truck. Jack not only attaches himself to the undercarriage of the vehicle (Keanu-Reeves-in-Speed-style), he CALLS CTU WHILE HANGING ONTO THE BOTTOM OF THE TRUCK! Good thing his hand was just superficially damaged in China, and there was no muscle damage.

In the lame land of CTU, Milo gets jealous and flips out because Nadia was concerned about Ricky when Ricky was hurt in the faux-ambush. Hey douchebag, there's a freaking crisis going on, can we keep the petty jealousy til tomorrow? Ridiculous.

Wayne's storyline for this episode ends with him passing out, then asking for more adrenaline. The doctor won't do it; Wayne refuses to stop working. At least sit down while you're working, and have some water and a cookie!!!! That might help!

The episode almost-ends with a cool sequence where Jack takes out 8 bad guys by himself (of course!). And then he and Fayed do some big-time brutal hand-to-hand combat, ending with Jack hanging Fayed by a big chain. The bombs are secure. So of course I'm like, now what? There are still 6 or 7 or something episodes left. Ricky shows up with his team, and says Jack has a phone call. Take a goddamn message, Ricky! It's never good when Jack gets a phone call at the end of an episode.

The person on the other end: Audrey! DAGGER!!!!! The Chinese dude from the other seasons is holding her hostage and I didn't catch what he wants from Jack, but in the preview he wants some "component" or else Audrey dies. KILL HER ALREADY! Also in the preview, Wayne wants Vice President Crater Face's resignation, and Jack asks Wayne to authorize a rescue mission for Audrey saying, "You owe me." Actually, I think Jack owed Wayne for not telling the Secret Service that he broke into David's apartment last year. So they're technically even. Also, there's a Mexican standoff between Doyle and Jack.

Anyway, the show has totally shifted focus here in the home stretch. I'm no fan of Audrey melodrama; we'll see how this plays out.

Question: What year is this, 2012? Why does Wayne have a bigass Frankenstein scar on his face? They couldn't have used that liquid stitches stuff?

08 April 2007

Is This The Sopranos or The Waltons?

Sitting by the lake, fishing, playing Monopoly, watching old home movies. Nothing better than watching 4 middle-aged people get drunk. I can't stand Janice - she's 12 times more irritating when drunk. Things got good when Tony and Bobby beat the crap out of each other. Bobby has his first hit, which doesn't really go well. The guy got a piece of Bobby's shirt, the bullet ended up in the dryer, and Bobby left the gun in the hallway. That can't be good, but maybe since it was in Canada he won't get caught.

This episode was alright, but it had entirely too much Janice. Janice must die.

An Inconveniezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I feel guilty for not liking An Inconvenient Truth. It seems very politically incorrect to say it was boring and too-political. But it was! Imagine Al Gore giving a slideshow presentation on global warming. Now imagine Al Gore sitting at a laptop putting together that presentation. The movie included all that and more. There was even an animated sequence explaining global warming. It wasn't interesting enough to hold my attention. I guess I'm a stupid American who likes her movies with more guns and racial humor.

There were definitely a couple of things that stood out to me. From what I can tell, the Sun is the enemy and why they aren't talking about blowing it up is beyond me. That would help. Also, I will be leaving Florida, as my house is about to be 20 feet under water. I will be relocating to the top of the tallest mountain somewhere in Colorado. Also, people should stop having babies, especially the Chinese. And I'm still not recycling. Because I'm too lazy.

Don't Sleep on These Sleeper Movies

Inside Man was on an HD channel so of course I used that excuse to watch it again. That is a good ass movie. You know a movie is good when Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster are only the 4th and 5th most awesome actors in it. If every movie were a bank robbery movie starring Clive Owen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Willem Defoe, then I would love every movie. This one's a keeper!

Continuing the Foreign Men With Rugged Good Looks theme, I also saw Something New. I remember seeing the trailer and thinking it looked good. It WAS good! It's the movie about the black chick dating the fine-ass white dude. It was terribly formulaic, but also terribly romantic. Loved it!

Despite the liberal blood coursing through my veins, I have been unable to get into An Inconvenient Truth. Go figure - a movie about a lecture by Al Gore isn't exciting. I think I'll go give it another try before The Sopranos comes on.

The Internet is a Dangerous Place

I'm big-time jonesing for Heroes. For the next two weeks my Mondays will be filled with the emptiness and bitterness of 24. So I've been trolling the internet for minor Heroes spoilers. I watched the first few minutes of the next episode, and now I know what Linderman's power is. A couple weeks ago I was thinking that this would be a good power, and figured someone would have it eventually. It's a money one!! Can't wait for April 23! (Watch it if you don't mind being spoiled.)


How about this? Is anyone watching Acceptable.TV on VH1? It's a collection of 3-minute-long TV shows. I started getting these on my iPod and they are all great. Operation Kitten Calendar had me crying! Acceptable.TV is the new Human Giant.

Human Giant

Is anyone watching Human Giant on MTV? It's hysterical, and stars probably the 3 funniest people in the whole world - Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel, and Paul Scheer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present The Illusionators!

07 April 2007

Tweener as Mr. Rogers

Former Prison Break star Lane Garrison filmed a public service announcement against the dangers of drunk driving in a local park near his Los Angeles home last Saturday. The drunk driving commercial is expected to be broadcast nationwide later this month.

The 26-year-old actor has been charged with vehicular manslaughter while intoxicated for a car crash that killed 17-year-old student Vahagn Setian last December. The troubled actor could face up to six years and eight months in prison if convicted. Lane is due back in court on Wednesday, April 11.

I guess he figures dressing in a gay blue sweater and acid wash jeans will help him in court? He looks a little too jolly in this picture.

What Your Musical Tastes Say About You

I just got done buying a bunch of songs off iTunes. If your musical tastes say a lot about you, I'd love someone to analyze mine. I have always had the most random musical tastes. Based on today's purchases, I like:

* crappy rock bands (Nickelback, "Savin' Me")
* emo (Fall Out Boy, "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race")
* songs that remind me of my painful teenage years (Nine Inch Nails, "Dead Souls")
* hip hop (Chamillionaire, "Ridin'")
* songs about Elisha Cuthbert (Justin Timberlake, "What Goes Around...")

I Had a Pretty Nice Little Saturday Planned...

Since I will be stuck in the house all day tomorrow (on account of the world closing down for Easter), I did my fun and grocery shopping today. First stop: Jamba Juice. New Pomegranate one. Silly bazilly. The on to the mall. Whenever I get my eyebrows threaded, I get (as Kim would say) obsessed with myself. Basically, I think I'm hot S and I go shopping. I got a wallet and a watch, but stopped myself from buying diamond earrings. So I saved money! Last stop: groceries. Healthy Choice Salisbury Steak and Macaroni & Cheese are silly.

Dagger - when I opened the watch, it immediately fell apart. The B that took out the links clearly did not put them back in properly. So now I'm going back to Macy's. Might as well do it now rather than put it off until next weekend. Does God hate me or something? Because this sucks.

I'm pretty sure walking around a mall 3 times searching for a Bath & Body Works that doesn't exist counts as my daily exercise, so that'll be it for me today.

For Houman

Can you guess the butt crack? Just a little material for you, when you're reading this blog at 3 in the morning.

06 April 2007

I'm Single and Ready to Not-Mingle

Mike is flying back to B-more today, to play poker and golf for the weekend. Golf. In the expected snow. Pretty smart. So I'm looking forward to being alone and just going crazy - you know, watching An Inconvenient Truth, watching the Prison Break season finale again, eating popcorn and cereal for dinner, getting a haircut. I mean, just really crazy stuff.

The only dagger about Mike going away this weekend is that it means I have to wait a week to see Grindhouse. That movie is going to be awesome. It's getting amazing reviews and I think it'll be good times. I'll see it next Friday....

Good News or Bad News? You Decide!

The cast of The Real World Las Vegas will reunite for a six-episode series that will be filmed in the exact same $2 million suite at The Palms as the series was five years ago.

Originally Bunim-Murray Productions & MTV were trying to have a reunion of The Real World Austin cast.

This is the first time they've done anything like this. I'll watch it... OF COURSE!

05 April 2007

Moving in on Brangelina's Territory

My other favorite parent/child combination.

A Gift From Heaven?

When I envision The Perfect Movie, this is it. Kevin Costner, Dane Cook, Demi Moore. What's not to love? And Dane is doing a "serious" role. I'm sure we're going to be hearing Oscar buzz over this beauty of a film.

June 1st can't come fast enough!

Lost: Blah Blah Blah

Enough with The Hurley & Sawyer Comedy Hour. Really. It's bad enough half the show was a Kate flashback - why does the other half have to be split between that sitcom and The Kate & Juliet Bondage Fest? Ugh.

As for that flashback - I didn't see the point. I can't stand these flashbacks anymore and I really can't stand Kate's since they all have to do with her "on the lam" and "talking to her mom". LAME! And how many more times can we watch Kate cry? Lordy!

Smoke Monster makes an appearance. And the only thing we learn is that Juliet doesn't know what it is. But she could totally be lying about this. Also, I have a feeling she was left behind on purpose so that she can go back to the beach with them for some reason. Sayid is always right - and he knows something is up with Juliet. Sayid is the only awesome character left - need more Sayid!!!

Sayid, Jack, Kate, and Juliet are going back to Losties Beach. Within the next two weeks they had better bring everyone back to Camp Others. Because there are freaking houses there, and food, and possibly toilets, and it has to be way better than living outside on the beach. Or they could at least go move into where Jack was being held prisoner - it had a TV!

04 April 2007

America Stinks

Gina? Really? You had to vote out Gina? Over THAT WHORE Haley! Great - next week we get another almost-upskirt shot of Haley while she sings off-key. And Soul Sucker Phil returns.

This one hurts, America. Gina was da bomb! But she probably got voted out because she put her tongue piercing back in. Which I guess makes her the whore.

The Real World Does Suck....No, Wait.....

Watching people hike up a mountain and get performance reviews is as exciting as... hiking up a mountain and getting performance reviews. And I cannot stand listening to Drunken Colie Hoarse Ramblings. Ty is the most intelligent person there, right? And he's the one who got arrested for urinating on the street outside the house.

But WAIT - next week - more Crazy Brooke. Including Crazy Brooke kicking things around the house! I'll be there!

Mo' Transformers

I haven't seen this silly on TV yet.

Getting a Little Bit Siced for Transformers!

At the 11 second mark. That freaking plane thing? Money!

03 April 2007

American Idol: Tony Bennett Style

I love Tony Bennett - because when I see him, I think of Alec Baldwin's spot-on impression of him. "It's great."

Blake, Melinda, and LaKisha were really good. Gina was too - she showed she can sing something completely opposite the rock thing she usually excels at. Jordin was awesome. During her performance, Mike said "My horse has come in" - she's his pick to win. I can totally see her beating Melinda - she's young and cute. I wouldn't be opposed to that.

Chris was alright; I still don't like him. Soul Sucker Phil is growing his hair back a bit, but that's even worse. He's got the worst kind of Captain Picard baldness happening. Growing hair didn't help; maybe a tan? He was dullsville.

Haley (she's still in this?) is the only skinny whore left. I said her performance reminded me of a Miss USA Talent Competition performance. Simon called her "pageanty". Simon and I are like THIS.

Sanjaya will totally get through again this week because Tony Bennett is a fan of his (WTF?). And he wasn't as bad as he usually is. He was all, "I want to show America I can sing." Even I went awwwwwww. The poor young kid gets decimated by America every week. Oh god, I'm sympathizing with Sanjaya! Help!

Go home: Phil. Or Haley.

Keep Making Ill-Advised TV Choices!

NBC's Monday night drama The Black Donnellys will have its last outing on April 16, having lasted just eight episodes, the network has indicated.

While We're on the Subject...

...of once-worshiped shows that ended up pissing me off in the end...
David Duchovny has confirmed a sequel to The X-Files movie is in the works - with himself and Gillian Anderson reprising the characters that made them famous. The actor reveals X-Files creator Chris Carter and writer Frank Spotnitz are busy working on a script for the new film. The news comes after weeks of speculation surrounding Anderson's involvement in the project. Duchovny says, "This week, they're starting some kind of road towards doing it (the film). Gillian and I both want to be in it now. We're happy to do it. At this point all of the kind of fatigue and anxiety that we had towards the end of a nine-year run is gone." He jokes, "We've forgotten why we hate one another and can only remember why we love one another and we're very happy to go back. Chris and Frank are going over the story. It's a story they've had for a few years but we haven't all settled on the fact that we wanted to do it, so now they're hammering it out."

I'll see it, don't get me wrong. But it'll be like 10 years after the first movie. Who can even remember this show at this point?

02 April 2007

24: Somehow More Retarded Than Last Week, Even Without an Actual Retarded Guy on the Show

Allow me to go off on this for a moment: Why, in 24-universe, does every single President have a Vice President whose values and policies not only conflict with their own, but are actually diametrically opposed to them??!! Presidents still choose the Vice President in this alternate universe, right? But somehow the Presidents always end up with these disloyal assholes. It makes for "good" drama. In quotes because, as I predicted, we get more boring-ass scenes where the President and the VP present their arguments as to why Wayne should/should not be in power and the Cabinet votes. And one more thing on this topic: shouldn't they have had this discussion/vote when Wayne was IN A COMA????!!!! Like maybe then would have been a good time to question whether or not he could fulfill his duties, as opposed to now - when he's at least conscious???!!!! UGH!

And those scenes end up being a waste of time because Tom (awesomely) records the VP's plotting and gets him to drop his suit against Wayne (by "calling the Supreme Court"). And then the last few episodes end up being a bigger waste of time because it turns out Wayne wanted to launch the nuke all along. I was yelling at my TV, "WHAT?" And not in a good way. WTF was up with this? And right after Tom and Karen became besties!!

Gredenko had Fayed cut off his arm to get rid of the tracking device. Mike called this, and I laughed and said, "Yeah right". Congratulations, 24 - you just got 40% more ridiculous than Prison Break. I laughed out loud. I did like how Gredenko (awesomely) turned Fayed in to a bunch of drunks at a bar, who proceed to beat him up until Jack can get to him.

Cheese and crackers, this show is a load of S. And I continue to shovel it.

Prison Break: Gone Too Soon

I am surprisingly pleased with how this season has turned out. There were some rough patches, sure, and some ridiculous subplots (anything not involving The Brothers, Sara, Kellerman, or Mahone) but it truly evolved into a great year! This show is too good to leave me now.

Oh, Paul Kellerman - how you break my heart!! His testimony gets Sara off, but gets him arrested. And then, as he and I expected, this gets him killed. DAGGER!! RIP The Magnificent Bastard. His testimony also exonerates Lincoln, so the boys are totally off the hook.

I'm glad they ended Sucre's storyline (for this season) where they did. He's bleeding out in the middle of a road. It was ambiguous, plus we got to spend the last half hour on the good stuff. Which I watched crouched on the sofa with my hand over my mouth.

At about 8:40 we get a Happy Not-Ending - Sara reunites with The Brothers and tells them they're all off the hook. But of course that F-ing midget Asian Kim has to show up. When Sara shot Kim I literally STOOD ON MY SOFA! I was so excited! Michael and Sara run from the cops, have a great reunion scene, then are ripped apart when he takes the blame for Kim's murder, gets arrested, and gets dropped off at Sona - some F-ed up, shady, The-Company-is-involved-in-it-somehow Panama prison. (Hey, Michael, how do you say "self-defense" in Spanish?!) Really F-ed up. It ends with Michael walking through the prison, and seeing Bellick on the ground. We left Sara roaming the streets of Panama with Lincoln trying to catch up to her. And Mahone gets framed for drug possession by Michael - and he ends up at Sona too!!! Nice move, but I do feel bad for Mahone. He got a raw deal.

So what do we get next year - Sara and Lincoln working to get Michael out of this prison? He should totally team up with Mahone too. But this prison looks ROUGH!

Damn, this was a great show. Is it August yet???

Unsubstantiated Rumor I Want to Believe So Badly

Rumor has it Danity Kane singer Aubrey O’Day is pregnant, and Sean “Diddy” Combs, who handpicked the all-female pop group, is the father.

Blades of Glory

No big surprise here - the movie was hella funny. Jon Heder is the new Will Ferrell because he's hysterical no matter what - even just standing still. They make a great pair.

I always come away from Will Ferrell movies feeling like there was a lot more funny stuff filmed that ended up on the cutting room floor. This movie was no exception. Looking forward to the DVD which should have an extended cut and extra scenes.