30 March 2009


Jack was exposed to the bio weapon - so he strips down in the middle of the road for a good hosing-down. He is freaking covered in scars. Hey - that CDC chick has been on this show before. I think in Season 3, with the virus at the hotel.

Larry says the words idiots have been saying on this show for years: "Jack was right about X." DRINK! Renee cries over Jack being possibly-infected. Jack's not crying about it - suck it up, bitch! She must be in love.

Jack's infected, but not contagious. Oh snap somebody find a cure, stat! I nominate Tony.

The Bad Guys have Tony. I'm bitter! They also have a bio weapon. But I have bigger things to worry about - Tony! Jon Voight offers him a deal and he refuses it (yay!). Luckily, there's a turncoat in Jon Voight's midst and he saves Tony and frees him.

The government know the weapons are at Starkwood, but they're freaking afraid of raiding it!? Didn't we go into an entire country to get WMDs but now they're afraid to go into a freaking office park?

The President makes her daughter the Interim Chief of Staff. Oh that's not shady - not at all. She's all of like 20 years old AND she's her daughter. This President is as dumb as all the others.

Aaron needs some damn sleep - it's the middle of the night - but the First Daughter pressures him into being her Secret Service dude. Bitch.

Tony calls the FBI and they set up a WebEx with the President to offer immunity to the Starkwood dude. A WebEx!!!!!! OMG so funny! Starkwood dude gives them the exact location of the bio weapons. Time for a mother-lovin' raid! I love how Larry just assumes Tony's going to help. Presumptuous ass.

But the weapons aren't there - it was a diversion. And the turncoat is a real ass about how he played Tony. OH NO YOU DID NOT! HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU! Starkwood commandos surround them. Oh snap. It's midnight.


I liked this episode better, because of one word: Sylar. He saves this show.

You know Claire and Nathan are in Mexico when "La Cucaracha" is used as a car horn. Oh Christ, this racist effing show. She's got a bad wig again, and this time it comes with bangs. Meanwhile, Mike is insanely jealous of Nathan's hair. Nathan enlists in some kind of drinking contest for money. Wait - you can get paid for drinking!? Sweet. Nathan passes out so Claire starts downing shots. I still don't understand how one makes money doing this....

Claire and her Indestructible Liver win and take her drunk daddy home. I'm getting a really, really creepy, inappropriate sexual vibe off her helping him get undressed. Hell, it's the Petrellis - they always give off a creepy, inappropriate sexual vibe.

Sylar shows up in the back of Agent Vampire's car, telling him they want the same thing - to kill people with powers. Sylar also beheads someone and pulls out a wee bit of a West Baltimore accent and now it's official -- I'm in love, hon!

Sylar offers his help to catch a shapeshifter who killed some agents. Sylar and Agent Vampire do some shapeshifter profiling and determine the dude likes to meet chicks at a club. They go and the shapeshifter is posing as Agent Vampire. Ew. You're not going to get laid looking like that bloodless monster. Sylar kills him after the guy takes on Sylar's form -- and now Sylar has shapeshifting ability. Sweet! Meanwhile, Agent Vampire tells Bennet it's Sylar who's dead. And Sylar and the Vampire are off on a mission to kill every powered person on Earth.

Angela goes to church. Peter has a conversation with Jesus, out loud. Awesome. MORE SYLAR PARTS PLEASE!

29 March 2009

Holy Bleeding Hell

I knew I was really, really looking forward to Star Trek for some reason. More Zachary Quinto pictures. I think I'm dead now. DEAD!

The Real World: Brooklyn

The news that he's being redeployed makes Ryan even more of a mouth-breather than he usually is. I watched this episode online, and every ad break was for the Navy. Somehow I don't think the military is as fun and "awesome" as they say. Ryan decides to wait to tell his girlfriend in person, and I have to say, that's the first smart decision Ryan's made.

Chet <3s Boobies, just FYI.

Scott eats a red velvet cupcake. That's the most attention I've paid to Scott all season. I'm not even sure his name is actually Scott.

Devyn gets a dog to force herself to be responsible. Yeah, that'll work.

There is far too much "drama" and moping over Ryan. Then they all decide to go to Atlantic City. They know AC sucks, right? But as with everything on this show, it turns into a giant ad - for the Borgata. I want to murder them for having this killer suite. Murder.

Ryan brings his "party hat" and I don't feel bad about him being redeployed in the least. The party hat is a huge, foam, blue cowboy hat. Asshat. Chet is his usual douchebag self, wearing his sunglasses while he plays cards AND HE WEARS A FANNY PACK!!

JD kills at slots - $3000. Who the eff wins 3 grand at slots!? Katelynn gambles. You may recall that Katelynn has no money -- and was given money by Scott so she could survive. I get excited at this point, waiting for Katelynn to lose, and the inevitable fallout. And she does, but Scott doesn't get upset. I want him to loan me money. And the red velvet cupcake.

Chet gets all excited about getting a massage. Because, of course, this will be the closest to sex he's ever had. Too bad he ends up with a Mom-type who just massages his feet. AHAHAHAHA At rare times like this, I love the Real World producers!

Final episode next week. Whut? Already? What happened to the good stuff? What happened to the big vacation? At least there's a bar fight to look forward to.

28 March 2009


We open with a flashback of Caroline joining (or being strong-armed into?) the Dollhouse. She's offered the 5 year plan. She was an animal rights activist who was working to expose the practices of the Rossum Corporation, a pharmaceutical company. And I'm guessing that, to shut her up, they threw her into service in the Dollhouse.

Rossum is involved in the Dollhouse somehow, maybe backs it financially or something? But they need help now - they're working on a drug that has gone missing from the Rossum Building on a college campus and they need a team of Actives to find it. Also, a drug that turns people all goofy is leaked. I love a good drunk/drugged-up, watch-all-the-main-characters-get-high episode. Echo's Handler gets loopy, Close-Eyes too, even Topher strips down to his underwear while the British chick jumps on a trampoline.

The drug makes the Actives glitch, meaning they have traumatic memories of their pasts, Engagements and real.

Echo's on another Engagement when she sees news footage of the campus. This brings forth some memory and she leaves to go to the campus. She follows her vague memories to break into the Rossum Building with another student. She remembers breaking in with her boyfriend, who got shot by security and died.

In the final flashback we see that Caroline did indeed get forced into a deal with Rossum/the Dollhouse because she "fit the profile." And now, in the present day, they offer the same deal to the Hot Shirtless Black Dude who helped Echo break into the Rossum Building.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

I haven't blogged about this show in a while because every time I watched it, I'd just sit there with the blog window open and type nothing. The show hasn't been horrible, but it also felt like nothing happened. Even if Riley did die and Jesse maybe-died. But I thought I'd give it a shot this week.

I love John Henry. He is the cutest Killer Robot With the Mind of a Child ever. While he's playing with the Little Ginger Girl, he kind of shorts out when they're discussing "changing the rules." He's not so cute and childlike then. They power him down and then determine that someone planted a virus in his system. When they reboot him, he says, "There is another one like me."

The Connors leave their nice little home and go back on the run. Sarah pops by her old boyfriend Charlie's place, which happens to be a cute lighthouse. I love Charlie because he's played by Dean Winters from Oz. Who also happened to make a reappearance on 30 Rock this week. But I digress.

Sarah has discovered a lump in her breast, so she thinks that's the beginning of her cancer. She goes to the doctor who determines it's basically just scar tissue, but the scar tissue is forming around a piece of metal implanted in her chest. A transmitter. Sarah shocks herself with those cardiac paddle things in order to short out the transmitter.

But it's too late and the bad guys already know everyone's locations. The guys nab David Silver and come after John and Charlie at the lighthouse. Cameron saves David Silver OHTHANKGOD! My relief is short lived, however, when it's revealed that Charlie died. OHGODDAMMIT!

25 March 2009

Lost: In Case You Didn't Know, Sayid's A Badass

When Sayid was a kid he calmly broke a chicken's neck so that his friend wouldn't have to kill one. Of course he did. Sayid was a badass even then.

Young Ben tells Sayid about how he met Richard in the jungle a few years back, looking to join the Hostiles, and Richard told him to be patient. Ben tells Sayid he will help him.

Sayid doesn't want to lie and say that he's a Hostile trying to defect, so he's taken to some dude in a teepee to be tortured. As Sawyer says to Sayid, "He's our you." Uh-oh, Sayid may have met his match. He's drugged, and Sayid tells all about how he used to be on the Island and he knows all about the Stations, etc. Once he gets to the "I am from the future" bit they just think he's been over-drugged. The leaders vote to have Sayid killed.

A burning van rolls through the camp, setting a house ablaze. It was Little Ben, using that distraction to set Sayid free. Ben's all, "If I let you out, will you take me with you?" LOL, Sayid's gonna break this kid's chicken neck, isn't he?

Yep, Sayid does it even better - shoots the kid right in the chest. OK SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Like, what does this mean for the timeline? If Ben dies as a kid, can he still be alive now? Oy. I'll just sit back and wait for them to spell it out for me -- or just read my blogs tomorrow.

We also found out how Sayid got on the airplane. He met a chick at a bar and made out with her. That chick turned out to be a bounty hunter sent by the family of one of his victims to bring him to justice. And she brought him onto the doomed flight everyone else is on. Sayid's all, "Can we get the next plane?" HAHA. No. You can't.

Smartest Baby Ever

He already knows how to respond to Aunt Jen over video chat. Ass.

24 March 2009


Every once in a while crap like this shows up on people.com. And it makes me go: Who? What? I don't know this person. I've never heard of that show. Ergo, they don't exist.

Also, that's why this is a "People Exclusive" -- no one else gives a flying eff.

23 March 2009


Jack and Tony hook up at the Port of Alexandria to intercept the bioweapons. They work with the officer on duty, who is helping the bad guys break into the port (he thought they were just smuggling consumer products, not WMDs). The officer's name is Carl. How do I know his name is Carl? Because someone said it every freaking 6 seconds. Carl Carl Carl Carl Carl. I get it. If it were a drinking game, I'd have alcohol poisoning.

Jack promised Carl he would be safe. And so he was. Jack kills the guy that was going to kill Carl, which means he just made it a firefight. FIREFIGHT!!

The cargo container makes it onto a truck, which Jack then jumps on top of and highjacks. Leaving his boy Tony behind. NOT COOL!

Jack calls Agent EyesTooCloseTogether and tells him he's got the weapons and Tony's being held hostage. Then he pulls over, I guess because his Bauer Senses are tingling. The container is damaged and there's a leak in one of the Whatjamacallits. Jack holds his breath and turns off the valve, but is exposed to whatever the heck this is in the process. Suddenly the bad guys show up with a helicopter and open fire. They end up getting the weapons off of the truck. And Tony's all gagged and hostaged and S in the back of a car. *sad face*

Hey, it's the First Gentleman! He survived his surgery! And I get to use that crappy term "First Gentleman" again!

The Chief of Staff resigns because he's afraid of getting the President in trouble for that go-ahead-and-torture crap he pulled. Crap that led to the death of a Senator. So he resigns and the President is almost crying. THIS IS WHY WOMEN CAN'T BE PRESIDENT!! (Turns out the First Daughter did indeed leak the information to the press, and tips them off to his resignation as well.)

Line of the Day: The President said something along the lines of "Maybe this day will end well after all." You know what show you're on, yes? Never say that. NEVER. Because it won't. Ever.


Agent Vampire's house alarm goes off and when he goes downstairs, he sees Puppet Man all strung up, but still alive, left as a "gift".

Angela tells Bennet to hand Rebel over to Agent Vampire, I guess to appease him and throw him off their trail. But Rebel shows up to the building, taking out the power and all of the security. Tracy escapes and disconnects Mohinder, Matt, and Daphne from their drug feeds. Prison break!!

Tracy goes off on her own while the others go to the hospital to get Daphne's bullethole looked at. Rebel contacts her through an ATM machine, giving her money and a rendezvous point. Turns out Rebel is Micah, like I had expected, since that electronic mojo is his power. What I didn't expect was for him to hail a taxi in the Deepest Voice of All Time. Oh Micah, you've grown into a man. So cut the freaking mop top.

In the course of saving Micah so that he can continue his work, Tracy freezes a team of agents - and herself - to death. Agent Vampire shoots her and she shatters, but the eye on her split face winks so... she's still alive? I have no idea. Ali Larter has died a thousand deaths on this show.

Ando and Hiro are still doing the Two Men and a Baby thing with Matt's kid. Baby Matt has a power - he touches electronic things, they turn on. And then, in a pretty retarded little bit of convenience, when he touches Hiro, Hiro's power is reactivated. In time for him to freeze time when the house is being raided, and escape.

Also, R.I.P. Daphne. Again. For good this time. That whole thing was retarded. I thought this was supposed to be the amazing Bryan Fuller episode that was amazingly awesome. Well, it must have been all set-up because booooo.


Oops, Victor and Sierra are playing "husband and wife". The Actives aren't supposed to have sex drives. That Victor is an insatiable horndog. Except it turns out that Sierra's Handler was the one banging her. That's creepy in a taboo parent/child way.

Patton Oswalt! Sweet! He's an internet millionaire who rents out Echo as his wife. Agent Helo suspects him as a Dollhouse client, so he comes to his house. He's shocked to see the woman he knows as Caroline there. Echo's Handler leads her away as Patton's security fights with Helo.

Turns out the Dollhouse knows that Helo is investigating them, and they introduced Echo to him on purpose. Now it's time for Round 2. They send Echo out with mad skillz and she has a pretty epic fight with Helo. Make that really epic.

After they fight, Echo gives him a message from "a person on the inside". Basically saying the Dollhouse is real, there are 20 Dollhouses, and that he has to back off to let them get complacent. I don't know if that's real, or if the Dollhouse is really saying it to try to throw him off or what. But I think there's a rat in the House. Also, it turns out Helo's little neighbor girlfriend is really an Active. That was cool - she was activated in time to kill the Rapist Handler who was sent to kill her, and then she was deactivated. I think that the Madam of the Dollhouse wants more information on the upper echelon controlling the Dollhouses, and that's why she's using the FBI Agent. I don't know. But it's cool and I like it.


Following in the illustrious paths of Carson Daly and Jenna Jameson, we have another JJ on our hands.

I'd like to welcome Jackson Joseph into the B&C family. At just under 9 pounds, he will forever be Butchie to me.

See you in 2 months, Butchie!

21 March 2009


Free Radio, the greatest show in the history of shows, returns April 2!!!!!!!!!

So far that's the only thing that's been good about watching Best Week Ever since the sucky format change - finding this out during the commercials.


I always thought Willy Wonka was a sick, twisted movie. Here's what it would look like as a horror movie. Change the tone slightly and it just WORKS.

20 March 2009

Battlestar Galactica: The Series Finale

The End. Woah. I'm prepared for this to get depressing, and maybe a tad confusing. Longest blog post ever? Probably.

President Roslin thanks Doc Cottle and it's just lovely and sweet. I love Doc Cottle, that old curmudgeon. Roslin stays in the sickbay to help there with triage.

The all-volunteer rescue mission goes into effect. Hybrid-Sam gets moved to the CIC so his brain can run the Galactica's FTL and systems. Creepy. The ship is like half Cylon and there are Centurions walking the halls and everyone's prepped for battle. It's crazy good and tense and EPIC!

Baltar wasn't going to stay on the Galactica, but he ends up abandoning his harem and he stays. YAY BALTAR! I always liked him. Of course Baltar being Baltar, he panics quite a bit about fighting, and he fights alongside Caprica Six.

Galactica jumps to the alleged blind spot, but the Cylon ship immediately starts firing on it. Like, pounding it hard. Sam is activated and he communicates with the other ship, shutting it down. Now Galactica launches all of its fighters. It's crazy good space battle porn. CRAZY GOOD!

Galactica busts into the ship's hull, since there isn't a garage door that big. Now here come the Cylon fighters! Lee leads the assault team (of mostly Centurions) into the Cylon ship. WAAAARRRRR!

The Doctor Cylon is performing tests on Hera, and Boomer's had enough. She breaks his neck and takes Hera, handing her over to Helo and Athena, saying she owed it to Adama. Athena kills Boomer. They all make it back to Galactica with Hera, but Helo is shot and in the ensuing chaos Hera runs off. Dumb girl. She wanders the halls until she runs into Roslin. But then runs off again. I mean, really, it's like this kid doesn't want their help!

She ends up with Baltar and Six, and it's all very cool how the shots of Athena and Roslin looking for her are weaved in with that collective dream they all have had. But instead of the Opera House, it's Galactica. And just like in the dream, Six picks up Hera, and she and Baltar take her to the CIC, where the Final Five stand above them. I mean, really, SO COOL!!!

Then Dean Stockwell shows up and tries to take Hera. Baltar delivers an awesome little speech about God. Tigh tells Stockwell if he gives up Hera and ends the war he'll allow the Cylons resurrection. Stockwell agrees and calls for an immediate ceasefire. And just like that, it's over. Or is it?

The Final Five have to do this mind-meld type thing in order to hand over the resurrection designs to the Cylon ship. In the course of the mind-meld, Chief sees that Tori killed Callie. He gets pissed and breaks off the mind-meld, strangling Tori. And he kills the bitch. Which is great, cuz she deserved it, only now all the Cylons think that the plan was to betray them all along - so they open fire, and Stockwell kills himself. Then, in a crazy series of events, nukes are accidentally launched from one of the dead Raptors. And the Cylon ship gets blown to hell, with Starbuck jumping Galactica away. She doesn't have rendezvous coordinates - so she uses the notes of the Cylon song from her childhood. And holy crap at this point I have to take a breather because this is the most exciting show ever!!!!!

The ship jumps but now it's like falling apart. Literally coming apart at the seams. It's a horror show. No more jumping for Galactica. Wherever Starbuck has taken them, that's where they're staying. And OH MY GOD she's taken them to Earth. I want to jump around the room with geeky joy!

The rest of the Fleet joins them 12 hours later. Really? Are we going to get a happy ending? There's still plenty of show left....

They land in Africa and observe tribal natives, people with no language skills. They decide to spread themselves out all around the globe and start civilization all over again, with a clean slate and nothing but the clothes on their backs. Amazing. I. Love. This. Show. The fleet is left in Sam's hands - he guides all of the ships into the sun to destroy them. R.I.P. Galactica.

Chief chooses to live alone and gets dropped off on an island (I think it's Ireland - cute). Poor Chief and his life of solitude. So sad. Ellen and Tigh are together, the way they're meant to be. Ditto with Roslin and Adama, only she's freaking dying a slow death. So he takes her aboard the only remaining Raptor and they fly off. He takes her on a tour of the world and she dies while he talks to her. He buries her and continues talking to her about the cabin he's going to build them. Great, now I'm crying like a sap. So heartbreaking.

Starbuck tells Lee she's going off on her own, and then she suddenly disappears. Woah. Baltar and Six are rid of their angels/hallucinations, and live happily ever after. It's actually beautiful. Helo, Athena, and Hera are all in the Happily Ever After Club too. YAY!

In the final bit, Hera is off wandering on her own and I'm like, OMG keep the frakkin kid on a frakkin leash! But then we cut to 150,000 years later. Now we're in Earth as we know it today (Lil Wayne and all) and we've discovered the remains of "Mitochondrial Eve" - Hera. We get shots of robots, including that freaky Japanese human-looking robot.

All of this has happened before, but does it have to happen again? ................

This show exhausted me. It was everything a series finale should be. Exciting, sad, happy. Perfect. I'm off to try to get some sleep, and look forward to reading all the dissections tomorrow.

19 March 2009

The Real World: You Won't Get Tears From Me!!

Great. A Ryan-centric episode. Then again, this year Anybody-centric sucks.

He shows the roomies his film. Gee, I wonder if they'll like it! Jesus. It was basically about an alcoholic who shoots himself in the face at the end. Lovely. But OMG guess what? "I loved it. It was awesome" was his feedback. Of course.

At this point, I almost fell asleep I was so bored. Thanks for the close-up of Ryan eating a sandwich, MTV. That's riveting effing television.

War is bad. Yes. Now you're boring AND depressing, thanks.

And then they go and put in a Chet segment. He has a cardboard cutout of himself made. HUH? WHY!? Like, he literally just took it home and hung it on the wall. Did I miss an explanation? I don't think so. And he gets pissed when the roommates "vandalize" it. OMG now he's a baby AND a douche.

At least this makes Ryan look normal when he dresses as Uncle Sam on Election Day. For no apparent reason. Like, he attends an election party like that. Douche. Obama wins and Republican Douchebags Scott and Chet just stare ahead blankly. HAHAHAHA they're so bitter.

Ryan gets a call back to active duty. OK, that sucks, dude. Though I have to laugh that he gets this news while wearing multi-colored knee high socks. At least he doesn't sing about it -- yet.

Are these idiots going on a vacation soon or something? That'll be the most boring vacation ever.

18 March 2009

Lost: Mind-Eff

Everyone's on the plane back to The Island when it loses power. Sun and Ben are the only main characters still on board when it crash lands, evidently not on the correct island. Or maybe not in the right time? I don't know.

30 Years Earlier. That's where Jack, Kate, and Hurley are. 30 years earlier, meeting up with Sawyer and Jin. The reunion is cute, and then Sawyer breaks the news about what year it is. Hurley: "Oh. What?"

Sun and Ben take off to find the Main Island while Frank and the glorified extras settle on the beach, talking about waiting for rescue. Sure. I saw a show like that once. A plane crashed on a Mysterious Island and everyone thought they'd be found but they weren't. It was a good show.

Kate, Hurley, and Jack pose as new recruits to the Dharma Initiative. Jack gets assigned to be a janitor. I love that. Clean the effing toilets, douchebag.

When Jin finds out Sun was on the plane, he sets out to find out where it is. There's no sign of a plane, but he does find Sayid in the jungle. He has to take him as a hostage so no one suspects.

Sun knocks Ben out (KICKASS!) once Ben takes her to the boat and tells her how to find the Island. She and Frank take the boat over. And yep, it's the future. Or the present. Either way, it's not in the same time the others are in.

Jack's Dead Daddy Christian is in the abandoned Dharma Camp though, and he says he can lead them to Jin. Don't go! He just takes them to one of the cabins, with pictures of past Dharma recruits. Including a picture of 1977's recruits - Jack, Hurley, and Kate.

Good thing Sawyer is Head of Security so he can save Sayid's ass from someone who thinks he's a Hostile/Other and wants him dead. Sayid is locked up and a kid brings him food. Who is the kid? BEN!!!!!

And as a final note, Michelle Dessler names her baby Ethan. I knew he was going to end up being a character we knew!! Murdering bastard.

Help Me Out Here

Glenn Beck is a... oh, what's the word? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Patriot? No. Dammit, I just can't think of it....

Even More JJs in the World

According to Perez, retired XXX legend Jenna Jameson and UFC fighter Tito Ortiz have named their twin boys Jesse Jameson Ortiz and Journey Jett Ortiz.
Jesse Jameson is kind of a cute play on words. But JOURNEY!? I would have picked Styx or Rush myself.

17 March 2009

How Well Do You Know Me?

Look at this picture and tell me what's happening tomorrow.

Why I Never Ski

Perez is reporting that she died!

Actress Natasha Richardson was hospitalized on Monday afternoon in Montréal after suffering a serious head injury, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The Tony-winning star, 45, was first brought to Centre Hospitalier Laurentien near the Mont Tremblant winter resort following a skiing accident. At 5 p.m. she was transferred to Hôpital du Sacré-Coeur de Montréal.

Her husband, actor Liam Neeson, 56, left the set of a movie he was filming in Toronto and rushed to his wife's side.

Richardson – daughter of famed British actress Vanessa Redgrave, 72, and producer Tony Richardson, who died in 1991 – has been married to Neeson since 1994. The couple have two sons: Micheal, 13, and Daniel, 12.

JJ Daly is Here

Someone procreated with this douchebag? Please tell me it was an oopsie. (I approve of the name Jackson though.)

Carson Daly and his longtime girlfriend Siri Pinter welcomed a boy on Sunday night.

Jackson James Daly, who weighed in at 7 lbs., 8 oz., is the first child for the couple. "Parents are both ecstatic," his rep Heather Lylis tells PEOPLE. "They have a happy and healthy baby boy."

16 March 2009

24: A World Without Bill

Bill would have wanted us to live our lives and keep watching the show, and so I will do so in his honor. Also, in the hopes that Tony gets his sweet ass back into the action.

OF COURSE they have to relive everything in the Previouslies, including name-checking BB and showing his open-eyed corpse. Just in case we thought last week was all a horrible dream.

Jack's on the run because everyone thinks he slit Ryan's throat. Luckily, he finds a killer car with some dumbass owner who left his laptop on the front seat. Jack really shouldn't use that laptop - including opening pictures from hospital surveillance cameras, searching through the pictures for the guy who killed Ryan, and uploading the picture to Renee - WHILE DRIVING! But that's what makes him Jack.

The guy looks like Gordon Ramsay, so I'd suggest looking in Hell's Kitchen first. *rimshot* Somehow Renee is able to take that picture and get all kinds of backstory on the dude, including that the Senator has some knowledge of his company, Starkwood. She also gets the Senator's home address, and that's where Jack shows up. The Senator says he never found a link between Starkwood and General Juma. Naturally, it just takes a little digging for Jack to find a link, plus info that the company was trying to acquire a bio-weapon, presumably from Juma.

Larry has Renee arrested for assisting Jack. Renee needs to get better at covering her tracks.

Morris shows up at the FBI looking for Chloe, who is still in Holding. They make him wait forever. Or at least until they need him. Larry gets him to crack the encryption on the file Renee sent to Jack, in exchange for all charges against Chloe being dropped.

The Senator promises Jack that he'll help him, but the Senator is quite shockingly gunned down by Gordon Ramsay moments later. Dagger! The FBI moves in on the Senator's house. Oopsie, they're gonna think Jack killed that dude.

Jack's on the run from Gordon Ramsay and cuts himself. Ever resourceful, he uses his blood for a false trail to lure him to a construction trailer, which he then tips over with a backhoe or something. They have a massive fight and guess who wins. Before he dies, Gordon tells Jack the weapons are already here. And how nice that he has conveniently left the address of the dock on his cell phone! Jack calls Tony and tells him to meet him there. Then he hotwires a car with the thing he just pulled out of the dude's chest. Hahahahaha.

In boring news, the Chief of Staff suspects the First Daughter of leaking information about Jack to the press. She claims she didn't, and that she traced the leak to the Marshal's Office. But she is of course shady and a bit nutsy, so I don't buy it.

I hope Janeane Garofalo likes purple. Because that's a whole lot of purple to have to wear for months on end if she doesn't.

15 March 2009

Oh No They Didn't!

Not only did they give their kids normal names - they gave them nicknames!

Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller Sheen welcomed twin boys Saturday night. The children, named Max and Bob, are the first for the couple, who married in May 2008.

Good News!!!

I know you were worried about ordering a Snuggie. I mean, they're great for the adults in the family, but what about the ugly children, including your son with the creepy Stockbroker/Is That A Toupee hair??

Well, you're in luck because you can buy the Snugglette. The site says it has smaller arms so that kids can stay warm and do what they want to do! I have a feeling that little kid wants to keep his arms hidden so he can masturbate under his. But I'm sick in the head.

Free slipper socks!

14 March 2009

Penultimate Battlestar Galactica

My Gods, really? Only one episode left?

We get flashbacks of Caprica City before the nukes.

Laura hosts a baby shower for her younger sister. The next day, police come to her home to tell her that her two sisters and her father have been killed in a car accident. Dagger.

Lee meets Starbuck for the first time when he comes over for dinner with her and his brother.

Baltar's hiring hookers, one of whom is his Six. He also has a slightly crazy father who attacks his nurse. Of course, Baltar's slightly crazy too, and they do a lot of yelling at and hitting each other.

Back in the present day, Galactica is being packed up and stripped in preparation to be shut down. Starbuck is still trying to interpret her musical notes, with Sam's comatose non-help. Adama asks for volunteers for a rescue mission - "likely to be a one-way trip" - to save Half-Breed Hera. Sam told him that Hera's on the Cylon colony, so that's where they're headed. The colony is hidden within an asteroid field near a black hole, so it's extra hard to get to. There is only one position that's safe to jump to.

To be continued.


This week, Echo is hired out to the government. There is a crazy religious cult that needs taking down, so a Senator goes to the Dollhouse for help. Echo's going to join the cult as a true believer, with a camera installed in her eyes that makes her blind, but transmits the video to the ATF.

The cult leader initially suspects Echo because he's wary of outsiders, but after some questioning, and a gun held to her head, he's satisfied.

The crazy cult has their crazy arsenal of guns, and the ATF begins to storm the compound. Cult leader assumes it's because of Echo and smacks her around enough to knock out the camera and restore her sight. At one point after she had regained her sight, Echo had to read from the Bible. Now if she was blind since she was 9, and hadn't read in 10+ years, would she really be able to read? Hmmm.

Cult leader does what all cult leaders do when threatened, and starts a fire to kill everyone. But Echo knocks him out (is this old imprinting making her so violent?) and leads everyone to safety. Her Handler comes in to rescue her, like he always does (and I love him for it) and all is well.

Agent Helo sees Echo in one of the news reports. Of course, he knows her as Caroline because a super-secret admirer sent him a picture and now a video of her. He heads to the scene and talks to the lead ATF agent. The agent doesn't say anything, I suppose because her undercover operation is supposed to be a secret. And now Agent Helo could always just think Caroline went all cult-y.

Back at the Dollhouse, Victor pops a boner while in the shower with Sierra. Oops. The actives aren't supposed to do that apparently.

Me: 1 RoboLeg: Zippy

I finally got around to doing this...

13 March 2009

It's My Graduation Day

Over 15 weeks since my injury.

2 months and 2 days since my surgery.


12 March 2009

This Is Going To Be EPIC!

Jim Cramer's going to be on The Daily Show tonight. Jon Stewart has really been giving it to him lately. Jim Cramer is a huge liar. Jon pwns everyone. This is going to be great!!!

Here's one of the first volleys TDS made, pointing out the horrid, wrong financial advice Cramer - and CNBC - gives, not to mention how they make the whole situation worse.

I love it when TDS tracks down what people have said and uses it as evidence against them. I don't think Jim Cramer pays attention to the words that come out of his own mouth. This is one of my favorite things the show has ever done.

And now it's war! I too like my news like I like my coffee, white and bitter. Bonus appearance by Dora the Explorer.

The Real World: It's All I Talk About

OK, so this has officially turned into The Real World Blog and I don't like it. But I watched last week's late and then remembered I could watch this week's now and just wanted to get it the hell over with.

Early on, the focus is on Katelynn and Scott and how close they are. Meaning they're destined to fight later on. Katelynn has to go-go dance on the night of Scott's birthday party, so she can't make it. Of course Scott's going to throw a fit about it and be bitchy at her from now on. His revenge? Moving the living room furniture into her bedroom. Wacky. She retaliates by turning over all of the chairs in the house. Fun. He retaliates by locking up all of the dishes. She hides the billiard balls. Are you kidding me? Children. Really lame children.

The roommates have to work on organizing a screening of a movie based on Pedro's life. Ah, Pedro. Back in the good ol' days when The Real World was amazing and the people were real, not fame-whores. At any rate, the movie looks awful. The acting is cringe-worthy, and we didn't even see much of it. Can't you just show the old episodes instead of making a crappy movie?

Naturally, Chet makes it all about him when he wants to "host" the screening and the roommates say he's not right for it because he's a virgin. How about he's not right for it because he's a douchebag? ALSO - it's not like your usual hosting gigs, dude, it's a freaking movie screening. This isn't something for your resume, lame ass. The turnout for the screening is horrifically low. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Katelynn wants to leave the house because she's poor. That's a new one. Usually they leave because they're raging alcoholics, fighting, or crying about something. I don't think anyone has ever left the house to become a financially-responsible adult. I think ol' Kat might be my favorite. But she doesn't leave, because Scott offers her the money she needs. Which is sweet, because he does it because she can continue to be a voice for transgendered people. That still doesn't excuse how douchebaggy he is.

Next week: Ryan has to go back to Iraq. Great. That just means more songs.

The Duel Returns

Thanks to Kim for the tip.

After the nightmare of boredom and ego that is The Real World: Brooklyn, this is just what we need. CT decking Adam is hilarious! Loads of nasty white trash sex. Evan! Ruthie! Mark, who has to be 40! FIGHTING! Familiar people with no lives -- this is the show I like.

What is MTV's problem? The embed doesn't work anymore. You can click here for their site.

11 March 2009

The Real World: I Really Hate This Show

Kat tells Chet and all of us ALL about how she has to shoehorn open her vagina every day. Thanks.

Devyn meets with a fashion designer for a job. How many "cool/arty NYC jobs" are these people going to apply for!!?? And of course she becomes the freaking Director of Public Relations. Lord in heaven. In 5 years, she plans to have a fashion line, be a movie star, and own a dessert restaurant. Do me a favor: remind me to look her up in 5 years and we'll see where she really is. Maybe Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Some E!/VH1 reality show... if she's lucky.

Chet tries his douchebag hand at interviewing musicians no one has heard of again. With a bow tie. Again. How hip and alternative he is. HAAAATE! Chet says the band is really good because they get the audience involved -- clapping. Wow. That sure is interactive, Chet. Bands never get audiences to clap along with songs or anything. Have I mentioned HAAAAAAAAATE!?

Baya sucks at dance and this thing called perseverance, but at least she knows it. She keeps taking free classes. Of course, the Household Circle Jerk is in full effect and Sarah tells her she was the best one in the class. Ugh.

Chet gets an audition at MTV. No, really? MTV? The channel that you are currently ON!? I loathe him so much I just couldn't pay full attention to his freaking worry over his outfit, his audition, his inflated ego. GODDAMN! But then I paid attention when he started floundering and fleeing for Chapstick and generally screwing up his audition! HAHAHAHA! He thinks he did well and is all ready to quit school for this fabulous job. Ass.

At least Kat/Kate/WhateverSheGoesBy does something that gives back to the transgendered community. These other people are so selfish they make me sick. Of course, next week Kat thinks about leaving the house. Great. She's better off.

Sorry, Dude

First Rihanna and now this.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are now husband and wife.

The couple, who got engaged just last month, tied the knot in Savannah, GA, Moore's rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The singer-actress, 24, and Adams, 34, applied for a marriage license on Tuesday afternoon at the Chatham County Probate office in Savannah, according to a court source, who adds that the famous couple went unrecognized.

How did they go unrecognized? He's fugly and she's 8 feet tall.

A Video Gift

This is for loyal, disgruntled reader MJ. Is this content more up your alley, dear?

Confused Tortoise Has Sex With Boot - Watch more Funny Videos

10 March 2009

Taken From Us Too Soon

This one goes out to a sweet, heartbroken girl in Pennsylvania. A girl who named an inanimate object after this man, she loved him so much.

On March 9, 2009 at 8:11PM, William Buchanan, former head of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit, beloved husband (maybe?) of Karen Hayes, and all-around Silver Fox, passed away in an explosion. Ever the patriot, Bill sacrificed his life to bring down the terrorists holding the White House and our President hostage.

While Bill would certainly understand our grief, he would also want us to remember the good times and move on with our lives (and continue watching the show). Let's enjoy this picture of Bill during better times, practicing his yoga even while being held hostage.

Of course he could always come back as Zombie!Bill. I mean, if it worked for Tony....

R.I.P. Bill Buchanan. You will be missed.

09 March 2009


Watching the Presidential bitch slap again makes me happy.

Juma makes the President deliver a speech that says her invasion of Sengala was a criminal act. They somehow get this speech seen on every computer in America I guess??? Like The Joker or the guy from the latest Die Hard. (I love that movie, incidentally.)

Bill overheard Juma talking to someone else, Jon Voight, who is really behind the attack. He tells Jack, "Figure out who it is. You're the only one who can do this. Peace the eff out." AND HE SACRIFICES HIMSELF, causing an explosion to distract everyone. It does work - forces move in and rescue the hostages. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! BILL!!!! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW SEXY HE WAS GOING TO BE WHEN THAT GASH ON HIS FACE TURNED INTO A SCAR!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Jack kills Juma. OK, that was quick. Onto the next Big Villain! But Jack can't be bothered - he'd rather sit and stare at Bill's body. STOP DWELLING ON IT, SHOW!!! SOMEONE COVER HIM UP - I CAN'T BEAR TO LOOK AT THIS!!!!!

Jack tells the FBI that there's someone else out there, posing a threat to the President. He wants to talk to Ryan, the Senator's Chief of Staff, again. And, as always, by "talk to" Jack means "torture until that pussy spills it". Agent Close-Eyes will have none of it and has Jack arrested. Renee goes around him and has the President's Chief of Staff order Jack released so that "his presence alone" intimidates Ryan.

At least Renee has learned the error of her ways - listen to Jack, Jack is always right. Close-Eyes doesn't trust her, and suspends her. He's such a bitch. A close-eyed bitch.

A near death experience goes a long way to reuniting mother and daughter, as the President has her daughter appointed as a Special Advisor. The daughter's pretty bold, calling out the Chief of Staff for being a failure. She seems a bit unstable - during the campaign she leaked damaging personal information about her mother's opponent. Oh hi Sherry Palmer in training!

Jack goes to see Ryan in the hospital. I guess the last "interrogation" was so hard on Ryan the poor little guy had to be sedated. Awwww. How cute and delicate. Ryan's afraid of Jack like people are afraid of the boogeyman, it's actually kind of comical. A Miscellaneous Bad Guy drops in from the ceiling and paralyzes them with a gas. Then he slits Ryan's throat, framing Jack. Oy. Not. Good.

R.I.P.: Misc. White House staffer, Juma, Ryan, and Biiiiiilllllllllllll.

Heroes Hates Animals

The Puppet Master is in the Bennet kitchen, eating their popcorn, looking for Claire's help. Claire's wig is what needs help; it looks bad again. Even Mike noticed it. I could walk into the house wearing a short blonde wig and he wouldn't notice, but this he noticed.

Claire gets a job at the comic book store where Aquaman worked. Damn, he's gone for good? She gets hired because she's hot. Way to keep stereotyping creepy nerds, show.

Matt is in front of the Capitol Building with a bomb strapped to his chest. Nathan goes to see him all, WTF, dude? Agent Vampire tries to blow the bomb remotely, but there's interference. Rebel perhaps? The bomb is disarmed, and I guess the end result of this whole bit is that Agent Vampire and Nathan don't trust each other now. WHY DOES NATHAN HAVE A TOOTHPICK IN HIS MOUTH!? Answer: "Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. That's why I'm doing this." Toothpick!Nathan fires Agent Vampire and promotes Bennet.

Sylar turns up at some godforsaken hellhole of a trailer park. Something always told me Sylar was trailer trash. That Southern accent in Season 1 was just too good. Daddy is there - and it's Lex Luthor's Daddy! Yes, it's John Glover, who always brings the crazy. He's dying from cancer - and still smoking. Ah, a man who stands by his convictions.

Daddy has lots of abilities too. But I don't know what they were talking about - I was far too distracted by and worried for the rabbit. And then Sylar killed the rabbit! Boooooooo. Kill all the people you want, but not that adorable bunny! Boooooo.

When Daddy sees that Sylar can heal, he decides he wants that ability for himself. But Sylar is stronger, fights him off, and then leaves, taking the bunny with him. That bunny died for no reason, man!

In the end, Hiro and Ando show up to save "Matt Parkman" -- but it's his baby, Little Matt. Now we get Adventures in Babysitting? Sylar shows up to Agent Vampire's house. And agents finally come for Claire, but Nathan flies in to save her.

08 March 2009


While Echo's on a mission to steal artwork, there's interference on her link to her handler. And she's wiped clean - while on a job! The people back at the Dollhouse eventually help her through it. It always makes me smile when Echo and her handler are reunited.

Agent Helo shows Victor (undercover as his Russian informant) a picture of Echo (Caroline) to see if he knows her.

Echo is still retaining bits of old assignments. Echo, Victor, and Sierra are flocking together, eating lunch at the same table together every day even when they've been wiped and don't know each other. And Topher says that Alpha is the only one who has the ability to work a remote mindwipe.

Still wanna live in the Dollhouse. It's beautiful and peaceful-looking, and you can be dumb all day long.

I Watched Watchmen (Clever, No?)

Every so often a movie comes along that is so special I will drive 1 hour and 15 minutes to see it on IMAX. Watchmen is such a movie.

OK, fine. I also drove that far because it's the closest Sonic. Diet Cherry Limeade and tater tots are worth the drive.

I really enjoyed the movie. I say this having read the graphic novel on which it is based, though. So I was able to fill in some blanks and really grasp what was going on. I can't help but wonder if total newbies would be able to follow it. There's a lot of material left uncovered from the novel, and yet the movie is still over 2 1/2 hours long. It just seemed to go by so fast and skate over some of the backstory.

The special effects are amazing. The music is great. The slow-mo isn't annoying. The characters/actors are great, particularly The Comedian and Rorschach. Strike that. Rorschach is FREAKING AMAZING!! He was great and I was so pleased because his character was my favorite in the novel.

I also liked the new ending. It's much more plausible to me than - spoiler alert for the novel - a giant squid. I think that makes the movie easier to swallow for the uninitiated.

So I thought the movie was great, and lives up to the vision of the novel. I can imagine it's quite dense for those who haven't read it (Christ, the novel itself is freaking dense), but should be checked out for Rorschach alone.


It's been a while since we got some MacGruber. It didn't disappoint.

Warning: Contains MacGruber ass and Fat MacGyver.

Battlestar Galactica

The ship is creaking and cracking and not at all in good shape. It's practically crying in the background the whole time, it's eerie. Adama has another one of his breakdown tantrums (he really has those a lot), frustrated that the ship probably can't be fixed. Afterward, he decides to stop all repairs and orders the ship to be stripped down and the people relocated to other ships. I suppose it's fitting to abandon ship as the series comes to an end.

Half-Breed Hera won't stop her whining on the flight, and Boomer's had enough. She almost drugs her to knock her out. I would have done it for sure. Stop your sniveling, kid. Boomer looks just like your mother! Boomer takes her to the Cylon space colony and leaves her with creepy Dean Stockwell.

Starbuck tells Baltar about how she found her dead body on Earth... while she's taking a crap. I love this show. She asks him to run some tests on the dogtags she found on her body. Oh yeah - remember how he started out as a kickass scientist? And then ended up a cult leader? I miss old Dr. Baltar. He doesn't really solve anything - just determines that the blood on the tags is from a dead body with her DNA. And he decides to announce this to everyone. Ass. No one seems terribly bothered by this information, or maybe they just think Baltar's crazy.

The Cylons hook Anders up to the main power grid, like the Hybrid, trying to jump start his brain. He jumps awake and tells Starbuck she's the harbinger of death, just like the Hybrid did. Poor Starbuck. Can't take a crap in peace, and she's the harbinger of death.

07 March 2009

06 March 2009

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

This post is brought to you by Kelly's Irish Cider, making bitches drunk since 2009. I don't think I'm going to get a lot out of this episode. And if David Silver's in it, I'll probably just freeze and my jaw will hang open.

Sarah works to remove the bloodstain from Riley's suicide attempt from the bathroom floor. No one ever thinks about the stains they leave behind, do they? It's pretty tacky to bleed all over someone else's floor. If you're going to kill yourself, do it in your own house. That's my policy.

Cameron cuts her arm open and it's nasty, I don't care if she has a metal skeleton, she still has blood and stuff. EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

David Silver's little Australian girlfriend Jesse meets with Sarah, pretending to be a guidance counselor and asking about Riley. She tells Sarah that Riley told her about their trip to Mexico and all this end-of-the-world bollocks. What is she trying to do? Make the Connors distrust Riley I guess. Also: when Cameron finds out, Riley's gonna be toast.

David Silver and Jesse are trying to nab some lawyer dude I didn't pay attention to. But before Jesse can leave to help him, Riley shows up to her hotel and attacks her. She figured out that Jesse wanted Cameron to kill Riley so that John would turn against Cameron. MASSIVE GIRLFIGHT!!! In the end, Riley dies.

Not bad, and that little twist made sense. Even to me. Now off to bed!

May 9th Isn't So Far Off Either

Can't embed until Monday, but follow this link for the Star Trek trailer. Now with added space porn! Looks kickass!

05 March 2009

04 March 2009


We open back on the Island, when Locke made his way down the well to move the Island. There is a time jump and the well disappears, and they notice a huge statue in the distance. Then Locke moves the Island.

Three Years Later. Dharma people are freaking out over a security breach and go to see the Head of Security, LaFluer -- who turns out to be Sawyer. And it's 1974. My brain hurts. This show is a massive mind-eff. And I love it.

Three Years Earlier. And I'm yelling at the screen, "NO, stop going back and forth, I can't take it!" But I love it. The Gang figures out they're not going to be time-jumping anymore, and that wherever or whenever they are, they're staying. They come across Michelle Dessler being attacked by some guys in a field, and save her and kill the bad guys. Michelle mentions a "truce" - I assume between natives (Others?) and Dharma.

Three Years Later. Michelle Dessler is giving birth. Sawyer's hair is flat. He gets Juliet, who is now a mechanic, to help with the delivery. The delivery is somehow successful, despite the Island's baby-killing properties, and she gives birth to a boy. Is he going to end up being someone we know??

Three Years Earlier. Dharma Guy Horace (Michelle's future husband) questions Sawyer, who makes up a lie about being in a shipwreck. Daniel sees Charlotte as a little girl. MIND. EFF.

Richard shows up, he of the eternal youthfulness. He's pissed because the truce was broken and his men were killed. Sawyer freaks Richard out a bit by telling him things that he learned about him through his time travels.

Three Years Later. Sawyer and Juliet are a couple. I like them together; they're cute. Sawyer gets a phone call from Jin. He goes to meet Jin and they are reunited with Jack, Kate, and Hurley.

The Gang's back together.

03 March 2009

Good News Of The Day

ABC is canceling Life on Mars. I've never been so happy to see a show fail. GO WATCH THE BRITISH VERSION! It's amazing. The U.S. version sucked. I'd waste about 2 minutes a week watching it before stomping out of the room in disgust, and I'll never get those minutes back.

02 March 2009

Heroes Is Still Pissing Me Off

Matt can't be bothered to save the world right now, he'd rather find his girlfriend. "Rebel" sends him a message with Daphne's location (Building 26), so he and Peter head out and Jedi their way into people's minds to get to her. But Matt gets captured and Peter downloads video of the whole rounding-up-Heroes operation, which was conveniently videotaped and saved by the government. WHUT?

Peter will hand over the evidence if Nathan et al give him Daphne and Matt. Lead Agent Vampire Dude will have none of this and shoots Peter at the exchange point. Peter goes over the edge of a parking garage, but Nathan flies in and rescues him. It's just a scratch, no worries, and Peter flies away.

Claire is trying to be Aquaman's Harriet Tubman. Aquaman is a Hot Geek, so Claire's mom helps them. The dialog between Aquaman and Claire gets quite painful - they're like flirting, and Claire's all, "I'm not into having a relationship right now" and he's all "Why not?" and she's all "Because it seems like all marriages end up in divorce." UM, HEY, YOU DUMB COW, NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE! Aquaman just wanted to feel some tit, not get the house and kids. Christ. Your parents split up like a day ago, it probably won't even stick, get over yourself.

Sylar pulls over on his Roadtrip To See Papa. A restaurant brings up childhood memories of his father. But these aren't happy memories of pie and milkshakes. They're memories of his dad selling him and then killing his mom, Sylar-style. I laughed. Heartily. Sylar sends Luke away, and goes off to kill his dad. I thought he was going to kill Luke for a second there, but I guess it was just wishful thinking.

In the end, Agent Vampire straps an explosive vest on Matt and throws him front of whatever government building that was that I didn't pay attention to. And the cool Puppet Master dude shows up in Claire's kitchen, having received a message from Rebel that "Claire will save you."

24: Double the Pleasure

Two hours tonight! Long-ass post ahead.

General Juma, the Big Bad from Sengala, is in DC. How did he get there? Flying commercial? A major African warlord wouldn't be on some kind of no-fly list? Dubaku dies in the hospital after being injected with something by an orderly who works for Juma.

Jack is heading to the White House to be debriefed, but really he's going there to meet up with Ryan, the Senator's Chief of Staff. And by "meet up with" I mean interrogate and by "interrogate" I mean torture. Jack has Chloe delete Ryan's name from the Government Bad Guys List she's working on, so that no one else gets to Ryan first.

Jack busts into the White House, fills Bill in on the newest attack, and chokes Bill out when he won't cooperate (in order to protect him, of course). Jack finds out where Ryan is on his own, and takes a taser with him. Yesssss!

Chloe and Janeane Garofalo do a lot of bitching and sarcasm and eyerolling at each other, because Janeane can tell that the file has been tampered with. She also brings Larry a recording of Jack and Chloe's phone conversations about Ryan, and Chloe is detained. Larry is also King of the Tattle-Tales, calling the White House to tell on Jack.

Jack tases Ryan's weak ass. Over and over. And over. Such a pedestrian method of torture - what, no lamps were available? At this point, I'm yelling "MAKE HIM CRAP HIMSELF, JACK!" President Buzzkill tries to get Jack to stop, but Jack tases the intercom. Hahahaha. Jack is interrupted... just as he was about to get the info from Ryan.

The Senator is hella bitchy about letting Jack off the hook, and even bitchier when Jack accuses/tortures his Chief of Staff. The President has bigger balls than Senator Bitch, but still has Jack arrested. I can't wait until Senator Bitch gets a bullet through his forehead.

The President tries to interrogate Ryan, but guess what - he doesn't respond to questions. I mean he's all, "Not in this lifetime" to the President!! DOUCHE! Guess y'all should have let Jack finish. Idiots and their civil rights.

Renee finds out about the suspicious orderly and follows up on a lead or something, I don't know, I don't pay attention when she talks to Agent Close-Eyes. She uncovers Juma's lair -- and when he and his men take off on a boat, she jumps on. Which is fine. Except she loses her gun and ruins her phone in the process. Women shouldn't be FBI Agents.

While the bad guys are scuba-diving off the boat, Renee sneaks into the cabin and finds a drawing of the White House. Like, literally a hilariously large drawing. Might as well have put a big red target over it for her, with arrows saying "We're gonna attack here."

The scuba divers swim out into the Potomac and start drilling into something overhead. Since when is the White House on an island? Well, they do somehow end up in the basement of the White House, with help from a man on the inside who turns off the proximity alarm. Then they just walk through the halls without a care in the world. No cameras? No random security dudes? No tourists? It just seems way too easy to bust into the White House and kill the President's speechwriter. Way too easy.

Bill lets Jack out of holding, because if the White House is under attack, the first person you want on your side is Jack Bauer. Chaos in the White House as the President is escorted to her panic room. In the end, it's Jack and the President on the inside and Aaron and the President's daughter on the outside. Bill is captured by the bad guys, and I'm just too nervous and screaming "Don't kill him!" at this point. They don't, they just take him hostage. Safe for now.

Juma gets the Secret Service to retreat by claiming he has the President and demanding they pull back or else. Well that seems too effing easy too. DUMB! But I suspend disbelief with this show as much as I can. I suppose anything is possible when you have men on the inside.

Juma's guy is trying to figure out the access code to break into the panic room. Jack pulls the cord out of a lamp and I'm all YES BREAKING OUT THE LAMP TORTURE! Instead he shows us that lamps can be used for good as well - and shorts out the electronic door lock.

Jon Voight's eating some Chinese food when he gets a call from Juma. He's the one who gave Juma the specs on the electronic locking system, in exchange for some kind of shipment. Juma asks for another solution, or else he'll blow up the shipment. Jon Voight checks the White House system and tells Juma that the First Daughter is somewhere in the building. Find her, get to the President.

Senator Bitch is a hostage too, and Bill just gives him the silent treatment. Hahahaha!

Aaron gets shot in the shoulder trying to get to a window to send a signal, so he gives the First Daughter the Morse code and sends her to the window. But she gets caught by one of the bad guys, who also capture Aaron. Oh Aaron, you tried, baby.

So Juma's all, "I got your daughter, bitch, and I'm gonna slice and dice her in front of this camera." Once again, women shouldn't be in charge, because the President surrenders. U.S. first, kids second! That wasn't too smart. She gets a nice smack across the face from Juma. I may have cheered Juma at that point.

I predict Senator Bitch will get a bullet through his bald head. And I predict Aaron will be macking on the First Daughter by midnight. Get some, Aaron!

Because Mike Says This Looks Better Than Batman

New Terminator: Salvation trailer.