24: Double the Pleasure

Two hours tonight! Long-ass post ahead.

General Juma, the Big Bad from Sengala, is in DC. How did he get there? Flying commercial? A major African warlord wouldn't be on some kind of no-fly list? Dubaku dies in the hospital after being injected with something by an orderly who works for Juma.

Jack is heading to the White House to be debriefed, but really he's going there to meet up with Ryan, the Senator's Chief of Staff. And by "meet up with" I mean interrogate and by "interrogate" I mean torture. Jack has Chloe delete Ryan's name from the Government Bad Guys List she's working on, so that no one else gets to Ryan first.

Jack busts into the White House, fills Bill in on the newest attack, and chokes Bill out when he won't cooperate (in order to protect him, of course). Jack finds out where Ryan is on his own, and takes a taser with him. Yesssss!

Chloe and Janeane Garofalo do a lot of bitching and sarcasm and eyerolling at each other, because Janeane can tell that the file has been tampered with. She also brings Larry a recording of Jack and Chloe's phone conversations about Ryan, and Chloe is detained. Larry is also King of the Tattle-Tales, calling the White House to tell on Jack.

Jack tases Ryan's weak ass. Over and over. And over. Such a pedestrian method of torture - what, no lamps were available? At this point, I'm yelling "MAKE HIM CRAP HIMSELF, JACK!" President Buzzkill tries to get Jack to stop, but Jack tases the intercom. Hahahaha. Jack is interrupted... just as he was about to get the info from Ryan.

The Senator is hella bitchy about letting Jack off the hook, and even bitchier when Jack accuses/tortures his Chief of Staff. The President has bigger balls than Senator Bitch, but still has Jack arrested. I can't wait until Senator Bitch gets a bullet through his forehead.

The President tries to interrogate Ryan, but guess what - he doesn't respond to questions. I mean he's all, "Not in this lifetime" to the President!! DOUCHE! Guess y'all should have let Jack finish. Idiots and their civil rights.

Renee finds out about the suspicious orderly and follows up on a lead or something, I don't know, I don't pay attention when she talks to Agent Close-Eyes. She uncovers Juma's lair -- and when he and his men take off on a boat, she jumps on. Which is fine. Except she loses her gun and ruins her phone in the process. Women shouldn't be FBI Agents.

While the bad guys are scuba-diving off the boat, Renee sneaks into the cabin and finds a drawing of the White House. Like, literally a hilariously large drawing. Might as well have put a big red target over it for her, with arrows saying "We're gonna attack here."

The scuba divers swim out into the Potomac and start drilling into something overhead. Since when is the White House on an island? Well, they do somehow end up in the basement of the White House, with help from a man on the inside who turns off the proximity alarm. Then they just walk through the halls without a care in the world. No cameras? No random security dudes? No tourists? It just seems way too easy to bust into the White House and kill the President's speechwriter. Way too easy.

Bill lets Jack out of holding, because if the White House is under attack, the first person you want on your side is Jack Bauer. Chaos in the White House as the President is escorted to her panic room. In the end, it's Jack and the President on the inside and Aaron and the President's daughter on the outside. Bill is captured by the bad guys, and I'm just too nervous and screaming "Don't kill him!" at this point. They don't, they just take him hostage. Safe for now.

Juma gets the Secret Service to retreat by claiming he has the President and demanding they pull back or else. Well that seems too effing easy too. DUMB! But I suspend disbelief with this show as much as I can. I suppose anything is possible when you have men on the inside.

Juma's guy is trying to figure out the access code to break into the panic room. Jack pulls the cord out of a lamp and I'm all YES BREAKING OUT THE LAMP TORTURE! Instead he shows us that lamps can be used for good as well - and shorts out the electronic door lock.

Jon Voight's eating some Chinese food when he gets a call from Juma. He's the one who gave Juma the specs on the electronic locking system, in exchange for some kind of shipment. Juma asks for another solution, or else he'll blow up the shipment. Jon Voight checks the White House system and tells Juma that the First Daughter is somewhere in the building. Find her, get to the President.

Senator Bitch is a hostage too, and Bill just gives him the silent treatment. Hahahaha!

Aaron gets shot in the shoulder trying to get to a window to send a signal, so he gives the First Daughter the Morse code and sends her to the window. But she gets caught by one of the bad guys, who also capture Aaron. Oh Aaron, you tried, baby.

So Juma's all, "I got your daughter, bitch, and I'm gonna slice and dice her in front of this camera." Once again, women shouldn't be in charge, because the President surrenders. U.S. first, kids second! That wasn't too smart. She gets a nice smack across the face from Juma. I may have cheered Juma at that point.

I predict Senator Bitch will get a bullet through his bald head. And I predict Aaron will be macking on the First Daughter by midnight. Get some, Aaron!