29 August 2011

Breaking Bad

Jesse uses a video game for shooting practice. Oh how innocent and sweet this little killer is. He also has visions of shooting Gale along with the zombies, but at least he's alone in his meth house. That kid is on his way to becoming a killer for a drug lord and 10 bucks says he kills Walter before the show's over. (The whole series, not this episode.)

Skyler made arrangements with the car dealership to take the Challenger back, and instructs Walter to do so. Of course she did. Instead, he takes it to an empty parking lot to do insane donuts and pretend he's a stunt driver. And then he lights the thing on fire and blows it up. Ol' "rebellious" Walt. Gotta love the asshole.

At this point on Sunday, my power went out and I cursed God's existence. Now to finish watching courtesy of Amazon....

Walter visits Saul who gets him out of trouble for the destruction of property. It's gonna set him back $52,000, not to mention the cost of the car. This giant idiot. Saul has a lot of audio tapes in his safe and that makes me laugh - gotta wonder what kind of conversations he has saved up and why. Walter asks Saul to find a hitman to get Gus. Saul suggests Craigslist, but then says that Jesse can get near Gus.

Walter visits Jesse, who is painting the living room, finishing the former meth house's conversion. Walter's suspicious about (and likely insane with jealousy/paranoia over) Gus seeing something in Jesse. He does the patented Walter White Manipulation on Jesse, bringing up the whole past with Gus, the death of his girlfriend's brother, etc. "Is it possible he'd think you're that weak-willed?" Jesus Christ, Walter is cruel. Jesse tells him to drop the sales pitch, that he'll kill Gus the first chance he gets.

Walter supplies Jesse with Ricin to slip into Gus's food or drink. Jesse hides it in a cigarette, and now I have to be nervous every time he sees Gus. He's going to get caught with it, he just isn't that good.... Wonder if he'll go through with it - or if he'll accidentally smoke it.

Under Skyler's management, the car wash rocks an awesome 80's soundtrack. Walter brings in $274,000 in cash with the Coke Zero. Waaaahhhh, it's too much for Skyler to launder through the car wash, waaaahhh. Oh, looks like some fat bitch is over her head. She stinks.

Hank is walking with a walker, and he and Walter Jr. take their crippled asses to a Pollos for lunch. Gus comes to greet them and even offers Junior a job. Ha! That would be hilarious - Junior working the legitimate side of the business. Gus grabs Hank a refill, and Hank grabs the cup for fingerprints. SHIT! I sooo don't want Gus to get caught!

It's Meeting Day at the chicken farm. Gus v. The Cartel. There are TONS of security dudes around. Jesse brings the requisite veggie platter, and Mike also gives him a gun - for emergencies only. The Cartel turns out to be one dude who is the spokesperson for the group. Gus offers him 50 million dollars to conclude all business. But the Cartel wants something else, and we're left hanging.

Jesse goes back to his rehab group meeting, and tells them he's 4 days sober. Yay! He also tells the group that he killed Gale, but by saying he killed a problem dog. Long story short, Aaron Paul earns his second Emmy. The group leader doesn't want people judging Jesse for his actions, but Jesse says there are some things you just shouldn't "accept". Throws it back in his face about running over his own kid and everything. I pretty much just sat there in stunned silence. Oh, self-loathing Jesse, you are painful to watch.

Hank's back at work, walking with a cane. He linked the writing on Gale's Pollo bag with a model number for a huge air filter, the air filter to Pollos... and Gus's fingerprints to Gale's apartment. Holy Jesus. It's all coming down, son!!!!!

28 August 2011

Project Runway

Challenge: Run around a track and the top 4 runners become the captains of teams of 3 to design 3 looks to go with Heidi Klum's sneakers. But not before Cecilia and her whiny face quit. Bye-bye, pissy bitch.

It's pretty great watching designers run. They look ridiculous, and Olivier falls halfway through and has a panic attack during medical treatment. Jesus Christ, people, keep living up to stereotypes.

The teams break down like this:

Joshua - Anya and Becky
Bryce - Kimberly and Danielle
Anthony Ryan - Laura and Bert
Viktor - Olivier. Since the quitter quit, Viktor gets to choose an ousted contestant to come back and join the competition. My bald Joshua is coming back!

The teams generally struggle and Bert is his usual Debbie Downer self. Joshua calls Becky's design aesthetic dowdy and she walks out of the workroom and bawls her eyes out in the bathroom. You see, the designers have to work through the night - til 4 AM - so things are even testier than normal. Bert is so. damn. bitchy!

Viktor's look is amazing, and his team's collection is the best. Bryce's dress is hella cute. Anthony Ryan and Laura's looks are red-hot messes, but Bert's wasn't nearly as bad. Joshua's team's looks were ugly, but not disasters. On the whole, there's not much to love.

There's loads of bitching on the runway, especially between Bert and Anthony Ryan. Anthony Ryan has a lot of damn nerve -- his outfit is fugly as hell. If it looked great, he'd have more room to criticize Bert's. His drape-y shorts gave his model cameltoe and camelbutt. Bert is downright joyful when the judges say his is the best of the team's and slam Laura and Anthony Ryan.

Winner: Viktor. Yay! I love him and that look was awesome. Joshua's named a winner too, but mostly for Anya's maxi dress. Which he ruined by putting that stripe down the middle. Blech.

Bye-bye: Danielle. It came down to her and Anthony Ryan, but they booted her because he at least showed promise in the past. I think that's BS. I mean, I love me some Anthony Ryan, but if the producers/judges had balls, they would have kicked him out. Heh. Balls. Unintentional pun about Anthony Ryan and his testicular cancer.

The Challenge: Rivals

There's not a whole hell of a lot to say about a Final Challenge episode. No drinking, no sex, no fights, just physical competition. And lame stuff, like shoveling dirt. Though it IS fun to watch Jenn cry and then get pissed and want to quit.

They threw in a food thing this year which is pretty brilliant. After doing all that hard, hot work, they have to eat everything on a table. TIME FOR PUKE!!!!! Wes in particular has some spectacular puke, because he's been heaving all day anyway.

I thought the puke would be the grossest part, but Wes develops some kind of growth behind his knee. I don't know what's going on, but Kenny actually picks his huge ass up and carries Wes up a mountain.

This Final Challenge is an overnight challenge, and Jenn and Mandi get disqualified because they don't make it to the checkpoint in time. There's a lot of midnight puking as the pairs have to take turns sleeping.

It's morning and time for another hike up a rocky mountain to find a key and unlock a trophy at the finish line. Mike quits because he's too sick to continue, and realizes he and Leroy have no shot anyway. TJ's not hard enough on him. Pussy.

Winners: Johnny and Tyler and Evelyn and Paula. Go Key West.

23 August 2011

Jesus Christ - Stop Procreating!

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are getting ready for another baby!

The couple, who are parents to two daughters – Violet, 5½, and Seraphina, 2½ – are "thrilled" to be expecting their third child, they confirm to the Associated Press.

Garner and Affleck, both 39, have each spoken of being hands-on parents.

Actually, I'm all for this. They seem like awesome parents and their kids are cute and have good names. Just please don't split up....

21 August 2011

Breaking Bad

We open like we did a couple weeks ago, with the interior of a Pollos Hermanos truck. This time it's not Mike, but two armed guys inside. They're ambushed again, but instead of being shot up, exhaust fumes are fed into the back of the truck until they die. The ambushers know just what they're looking for - the marked batter bucket that contains the meth.

When we last left Walter, he couldn't keep his whore mouth shut. Now it's the next day, and Skyler has done her research on Gale while Walter was passed out. Walter wants to treat the meth business and home life as "church and state," but of course that's not going to be good enough for Skyler. She's worried that he wants to be caught, and she reiterates that they need to go to the police if he's in danger. Walter awesomely puts her in her place, tells her to STFU, and says that HE'S the danger, that he's the one who knocks on doors. Oh god, he's such a phony, emasculated, condescending prick; I love it. When Walter gets out of the shower, Skyler's gone. She stays gone overnight too, and the next day Walter's out with Junior and buys him a car. A brand new sportscar. Because of course Walter wants to prove himself to be the man in his son's eyes. Bastard.

Jesse's still working his second job with Mike, which tonight involves keeping him company at a diner. Jesse's got some withdrawal symptoms going on, so Mike nicely shares his dinner. OMG, these two, seriously - love it! Forget that Gucci Zen rehab - the Mike method is going to stick!!

Walter is sooo hot and bothered over Jesse's new standing in the company. He just wants subservient Jesse back so - once again - he can feel like The Man. He tells Jesse that he thinks the whole thing is a setup by Gus, that he's trying to drive a wedge between them. Goddammit, man, let Jesse feel good for 10 seconds!

In the lab, the phone rings. It's for Jesse. He's called out on assignment and Walter's left to clean up. Walter tries to get some laundry ladies to come downstairs to help him. They initially don't want to, because I'm sure they're told never to go downstairs, but he convinces them/bribes them to do it. So he freaking pours himself a cup of coffee, toasts the camera, and lets the ladies do the work. Jesus, this whole thing is one giant chess match. I love it.

Gus rewards the ladies with a bus trip back to Honduras.

Mike and Jesse are watching a house that's suspected of holding stolen meth. Jesse's not one to just wait around, so he goes to the house "looking to buy." It doesn't work, so back to Mike's original plan - 90% of the job is waiting. But no, Jesse's still not satisfied and he's gonna get those guys to come out - "I know meth heads." He gets the shovel from the trunk and starts digging in their yard. A junkie comes out to see what he's doing. "Digging." Jesse uses his Meth Whisperer skills and gets the junkie to take over the digging. Once inside the house, Jesse has a bit of a standoff with another unstable, gun-toting meth head (Dewey Crowe!), but knocks him out with a bong. He and Mike find a Pollos batter bucket and there's a message written in Spanish - "Are you ready to talk?"

Gus stops by where Mike and Jesse are having another romantic dinner. Jesse goes outside so the big boys can talk. Mike wants to hire 10-15 guys to hit back hard, but Gus wants a Cold War. He's willing to set up a meeting. When he leaves, he tells Jesse he heard he's been doing well. And says that he sees things in people, when Jesse asks, "Why me?"

While Skyler was out, she visited the Four Corners and threw a coin, which landed in Colorado twice. But she kicked it over into New Mexico and returns home. She wants the car gone, because of course it doesn't fit in with their story. "Someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family." BURN. This bitch is officially Carmela Soprano.

30 Minutes or Less

30 Minutes or Less gets an "I've Seen Worse" rating from me. Which means, "I've Seen Funnier." With a cast featuring Danny McBride, Nick Swardson, and Aziz Ansari, it should have been the funniest movie ever. It's not awful, but something just failed in the execution. Now, it could be the subject matter. I mean, strapping a bomb to a pizza guy and forcing him to rob a bank is something that actually happened, and ended badly. So it's hard from the beginning for me to buy this as a comedy. But action/crime/comedies have worked before - I'm thinking of Pineapple Express. This wasn't as good as that. But I could watch Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari read the phone book and I'd be amused, so I've seen worse.

It's not an awful movie. It's not a total waste of time. And if it's 100 degrees outside, it's not a bad idea. Ringing endorsement!

20 August 2011

The Challenge: Rivals

When we last left CT, he was beginning to rage out. Unfortunately, he didn't crack Johnny across the face. CT's just standing up for Adam, because they'll always have Paris.

The Jungle: It's CT and Adam vs. Johnny and Tyler in a thing that's hard to explain. But it has elements of football/rugby, so CT's about to crack some heads. He rocks Tyler and it's awesome. It's super-close and CT ends up carrying Adam across the finish by his shorts. Unfortunately, not in time.

Bye-bye: CT and Adam. Because Adam screwed up. Bummer. Wow, they really edited this well, because I'm actually sad for those dudes, and normally who gives a crap. They're making it out like it's the most devastating loss of all time. Maybe it is. But I'm not buying that Johnny and Tyler are in love and some kind of unstoppable force.

The Final Challenge is taking place in Patagonia. I thought that was a brand of backpack or something. Hiking gear, something like that? It's gorgeous, whatever it is, all green and mountains and lakes.

Wes continues his crusade against Cara Maria. She dares him to make her cry. Oh, sweetie, no. I'm surprised it doesn't happen, and she actually stands up for herself. It's not hard to counter Wes's "you're immature" argument when the man poured Coke all over your head. Pot, kettle, Wes.

It's the morning of the Final and Tyler and Jenn have food poisoning. Tyler's is worse, and he decides to compete against doctor's orders. Dumbass.

And so the Final begins. It's pretty hysterical how bad Jenn and Mandi are at kayaking. Like, so bad. But then Wes and Kenny are in their kayak backwards, so they're not much better.

To be continued, of course.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a day-to-evening look for Nina Garcia. Oh snap - I want one of these guys to cry. She's a little picky during the sketch consultations, but no tears. Damn.

Anthony Ryan and Becky choose the same patterned fabric. Fabric Showdown!! When Nina comes through the workroom, it's the Nina I love - picky as hell, freaking out the designers and putting doubts in their minds. "Do we have a Plan B?" "Are there any other textiles?" AHAHAHAHA! There's a ton of last minute work, designers helping other designers, and gluing. Gluing is never good.

Joshua's dress doesn't at all look like something Nina would wear. Ick. I loved Anthony Ryan's and Kimberly's looks. Danielle's and Cecilia's were godawful. Anya's jumpsuit was wonderful. Julie was colorblocking like it was the 90s; that housecoat was ugly as hell. Bryce can't execute an idea well to save his life. Viktor's black dress was structured and gorgeous, but it was just a safe-ish black dress. The judges end up being fine with that so YAY - I love Viktor.

Winner: Kimberly. Yay! That gold top was perfection and soooo Nina!! And when they show Nina wearing it later, it's absolutely fabulous.

Bye-bye: Julie. Yeah, that was overdue and we're only a couple weeks in. Didn't see much improvement on the horizon. Look at this picture - even the model looks depressed about having to wear this.

18 August 2011

17 August 2011

These Two Are Awesome

They're probably my favorite so-odd-it's-perfect couple of all time. Mazel tov.
David Cross and his longtime girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, are engaged to be married, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The actress, 28 – who starred in General Hospital and Joan of Arcadia before moving on to the big screen in the 2005 hit The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – recently returned to TV with a role on House.

Cross, 47, is perhaps best known for his outrageousness on the 2003-06 cult sitcom Arrested Development. Talk of a feature movie based on the show has long been circulating. Currently, he stars in the British-American comedy TV series The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

14 August 2011

Breaking Bad

Walter and his Aztec are on a frantic mission - find Jesse Pinkman. He drives to a Pollos (with his gun) and demands to see Gus. As he waits in his rapidly-increasing state of paranoia, he gets a call from Mike, who says he's got Jesse for the day, and that Walter needs to get back to work.

It's nice to see that Jesse's still got an ounce of self-preservation left, as he seems scared about what Mike has in store and has a plan for self-defense that involves his keys. But when they arrive at their destination, and Mike pulls a shovel out of the trunk, it's not to kill Jesse. Instead, Mike goes out into the desert and digs up a bag of money. Then he tells Jesse that they have to do this 6 more times today, so get in the car.

Jesse's eager to fill the role of guard while Mike gets the money from the hideouts. It's at this point that I wonder if it's a test, like to see how far gone Jesse is. He doesn't seem to be having withdrawal symptoms, so that's good. Whatever the reason, Mike's learning what it's like to be trapped in a car with Jesse all day. And it's hysterical. My favorite kind of Jesse - Bored Jesse - is back!

Then I wonder if the real point of the whole exercise is Walter, back at the lab working. A test to see if he can cook by himself, or even just to toy with him and make him even more paranoid about what could happen to Jesse. Walter is able to cook alone, but it looks hard and he finishes just in time to buy the car wash with Skyler. Buying car washes makes Skyler horny; their reconciliation is consummated, and she invites him to move back in -- for appearances, of course.

In other news, Hank's still consulting with his cop friend on Gale's murder, and tells him the only people he knows connected to the blue meth are Badger and Jesse. The police sketch is of Victor - sigh of relief there. Hank tells the cop that he's done with the case, that finding Heisenberg has given him closure and he's ready to move on.

At their last pickup stop, some armed thugs pull up and block Mike's car in an alley. Jesse spots the dude with the gun walking toward him while Mike is inside the building. He throws it into reverse, slams the other car, and then drives off. Mike's calling someone to come pick him up when I say, "Awwwww!" out loud - Jesse pulls up to the curb, having not forgotten about his new BFF. Mike seems impressed, even allowing Jesse to smoke. THESE TWO ARE GOING TO BE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!!!

The next day, Walter arrives at the lab to find Jesse working, and wonders what's up. Jesse tells Walter that he was Mike's guard for a day and saved the stash when they were ambushed. And he's meeting up with Mike this afternoon - "Guess I have 2 jobs now." OH SNAP, JESSE!!!! Love it! It turns out that even the ambush was part of a test put in place by Gus. He wants Jesse to feel like a hero, and I'm not sure if this is to help out Jesse and get him on the straight and narrow (in a criminal way anyway), or to drive Walter nuts with jealousy. Probably both.

The final scene is a piece of work. Holy crap. The Whites are having dinner at Hank and Marie's house. Walter's clearly irritated by Skyler and Gus and Mike and Jesse and he's drinking. Junior asks Hank how the Gale case is going and Hank says he's done with it, but goes on about how Gale was a genius, imagine what he could have done if he applied it to good, etc. That's the last straw for Walter, who can't resist insulting a dead man to make himself feel better. He tells Hank that, in his opinion, the notebook wasn't the sign of a genius - that it was merely copied down, and likely someone else's work.

Sometimes I yell at fictional characters. This was one of those times. Jesus Christ, Walter! Let it go! He has such a need for control and such a need to get credit for his work that he can't keep his mouth shut and just let Hank lose interest. Nope. Cuz Hank is interested now. He's working on the case even more the next day, and something sticks out to him. Gale was a hippie vegan, eating organic and all that -- but he has Los Pollos Hermanos stuff in the apartment. Well, there you go - now Hank has a key piece and he just needs to figure out how it fits.

Screw you, Walter White. You brought this on yourself. Thank God Jesse has that second job now!!!

Jessica Alba Names All Of Her Kids After Nouns

Haven is a stripper's name, right?

Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren have added another little girl their brood: baby Haven Garner Warren.

"She was born on Saturday, weighed 7 lbs. and was 19 inches long," Alba wrote on her official Facebook page, announcing the happy news. "Healthy and happy! Big sister Honor couldn't be more excited about the new addition to our family."

13 August 2011

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a look for a girl on stilts. No lie. It's the Bizarre Costumey Challenge. And it's a team challenge - randomly drawn teams of two. This was the runway I could have attended if I had woken up early enough in NYC!

Bert's a Debbie Downer. He takes literally (and challenges) everything that Viktor says. Bert's bothering me more and more. He's difficult to work on a team with; it's painful. He's passive-aggressive and bitchy as hell. Which of course means it makes good television. Jesus, Tim Gunn doesn't want to hear your whining.

Anya and Olivier are a dream team, but their outfit is just OK. Josh and Julie chose an amazing pattern for their pants. Fallene is a sewing tard and botches the bodice, so Bryce has to whip something up last-minute, and it's essentially a tank top. Fallene literally makes nothing but the headpiece. Dumb bitch. Cecilia and Danielle made a matronly look that wasn't helped by the god-awful hair. Laura and Anthony Ryan's red outfit was amazing.

Meanwhile, something is all jacked-up because Cecilia and Danielle are in the top? What? All of the top outfits were the most normal-looking - non-costumey and ready-to-wear (if you're 100 feet tall). So I guess the judges have a point; were they not supposed to be so over-the-top? I loved Kimberly and Becky's jacket/pants combo too. But I stand by Cecilia and Danielle's thing being awful. Yuck. Bert and Viktor made bad curtains. And of course Bert is like, "I didn't create this; it's not mine." Ass.

Winner: Laura, who made the fabulous red outfit with Anthony Ryan.

Bye-bye: Fallene. And thank god too because the headpiece was the only part of the outfit the judges liked, so I thought she was almost off the hook. Bye, sweetie, go back to cutting hair with your cute Pixie self.

I Love Tina Fey

I love everything about Tina Fey, except that she has children. In a perfect world, Tina Fey would be the face of women who don't want kids. But she's apparently a conformist breeder, so whatever.

That being said, I love the names, so GO TINA!
Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.

The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.

<3 Penelope!!!!

11 August 2011

SYTYCD Finale: Part Two

How quickly I've forgotten all of these people as they come out for the Top 20 dance. Ryan, that Russian bitch, Jess -- nope, don't miss any of you.

Cat is lovely in a red sequined number, but I was expecting something over-the-top for the finale, no? Sonya and Mary are rocking some HUGE skirts on their dresses. I guess Cat wanted to be quietly stylish by comparison. It's the brilliance of Cat. I will no longer question it.

Let's fast-forward through all the retrospectives and just get to the judges' picks for Best Of, 'K?

Sasha and Kent's intense wall dance. Marko and Melanie's peppy little Nappy Tabs routine -- you know, the one with The Kiss. Tadd and Lauren's "Another One Bites the Dust" -- was that the best they could do for a Tadd number? Miranda and Robert's Busta Rhymes (yeah, that was good). The one where Melanie flew across the stage and into Neil's arms. Marko and Allison's beautiful Sonya routine. The Geishas with the Top 10 Girls. We also got a great tap performance from Nick, Jess, and the UK Winner.

4th Place: Tadd. Yep, that's 100% accurate.

Let's continue with the dancing. Ashley and Chris (oh how I've forgotten you, Chris) and their jail routine. Twitch and Sasha's sexy little hip hop. The Top 10 Guys doing their cool Matrix-y hip hop. Alexander has some crazy-ass blonde hair now. Of course he does. Argentine Tango from Caitlynn and Pasha. Melanie and Marko as statues.

At this point, Sasha joins them on stage. OMG - Marko's going to get kicked out in a statue costume! Poor guy.

3rd Place: Marko. Yep, I'm a psychic. That's exactly how it should go. But yeah - he's getting kicked out in an awful costume. At least they didn't make him wear the full white makeup.

The final dance is the Melanie and Sasha Sonya Jazz routine. It's almost as if they knew they'd be in the Top 2....

And The Winner Is: Melanie. Wow! I'm kind of surprised! I think it should have been Sasha, but it's not like I'm going to say Melanie sucks. Go Tree Trunks McPixieson!!!

The Challenge: Rivals

Paula and Mike need to stop making out. I'm trying to keep food down.

They travel to this amazing villa in Argentina, and proceed to drunkenly tear it apart. Wes pours a 2-liter of Pepsi all over Cara Maria because Wes is 3. OMG, you guyyyyyys, Cara Maria's life is so haaaarrrrrddddd! Laurel takes up her cause and goes after Wes with a bottle of soda - but Tyler stops her from ruining the piano. Because we can't ruin the piano!!!! And LOL Laurel calls Paula 39 years old. I wonder if that's true. Either way, Paula starts crying and I start laughing.

Unfortunately, we can't just have fighting for an hour straight so we're interrupted by a Challenge: some crap about swinging from a helicopter above the water... whatever. BACK TO NAME CALLING AND SODA THROWING!

Winners: Evelyn and Paula. Jesus, again? Michael and Leroy. Well, those newbs skated into the finals, huh?

Losers: CT and Adam. And TJ demands a vote right away, so there's no time for everyone to deliberate and group-think. HAHA! Johnny and Tyler end up there. I hope CT murders them; they're babies. Tyler feels betrayyyyyed and gives Paula the kind of guilt trip I thought only my mother was capable of.

We don't get the Jungle til next week. Too bad, because CT is drunk, fired up, and ready.

10 August 2011

SYTYCD Finale: Part One

Performance Show Finale time. Crazy. Where did the season go?

Cat's eyes and lips are BOTH hella wonky tonight. She def looks a hot mess. Speaking of hot messes, Katie Holmes is the guest judge. Hot robot mess. (But she looks good.) After all of her comments I would say, "Thanks, Mrs. Tom Cruise." Because, seriously, you're adding nothing. Go.

1. Marko and Melanie - Disco by Doriana Sanchez. Melanie in a skimpy outfit isn't doing it for me; she's got a weird pasty body. The dance was boring as hell. These two deserved SO MUCH BETTER. I suppose they executed what they needed to execute (well, not the lifts - those looked struggling), but it was cringe-worthy and pretty awful.

2. Sasha and Mark - Jazz by Sonya. Great to see Mark do a Sonya routine again, but it was really meant to showcase Sasha. And it certainly did. Jesus, she is amazing; her body does crazy things. She's like the perfect combination of athlete and artist. Definitely rewound it and watched it again right away.

3. Tadd and Joshua - Hip Hop by Lil C. OH SNAP SON JOSHUA IS BACK!!!! And look, Tadd, I love you but JOSHUA IS THE BOMB! I pretty much just watched him. He rules so hard and we haven't seen him in ages. I was like a kid on Christmas I was so giddy over it. I'm gay for the dance, what can I say? It was a hard, buck routine and Tadd was great. Great pairing. I'm a happy fangirl.

4. Melanie and Robert - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. It was a lovely, emotional routine that suited her SO much better than that disco crap. Beautifully danced.

5. Sasha and Marko - Broadway by Spencer Liff. It was a playful, fun routine and Sasha was hella sexy. Loved it!

6. Sasha and Tadd - Cha Cha by Some Dude. It was alright. I think I was thrown by how much taller she is than him. Their partnering was way off and it seemed hard and awkward. Her body's just so amazing though - she looks great.

7. Marko and Lauren - Contemporary by Some Totally New Chick. It was a great routine and emotional, especially on Lauren's part. It was the perfect routine for him - really strong and beautiful - and they made a great pair.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Jazz by A Dude. It was a little trifle of a routine, complete with tearaway pants. So, you know, kind of corny but still a good time. Melanie is really good at doing character pieces; she'll be an actress, I'm sure.

9. Melanie and Sasha - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. They were so lovely together and they're both good at the acting part, actually.

10. Marko and Tadd - Hip Hop that Incorporated Gumboot Stepping by a Dude. It was weird because the routine was really fast, but their legs looked like they were moving too slowly. Like they were heavy or something. I'm sure it's just that they're exhausted. It just wasn't the best way to feature the Asian Explosion.

Let's just rewatch Sasha and Mark 100 times and give the girl the damn award just for that thing.

09 August 2011

Project Runway

Challenge: Design an outfit using materials found in a pet store. But no live animals. If I never hear "wee wee pads" again it'll be too soon.

Since Bert has immunity, he plays it safe and uses a lot of fabric-like stuff. He's fussy, and doesn't want to play the unconventional challenge game. He's not long for this world, I fear.

Viktor's wee wee pad dress is really pretty; I like how he did the dyeing. Anthony Ryan's birdseed dress looked good - it had texture and pattern to it. Bert's thing was atrocious; thank god he has immunity. Bryce's wee wee pad dress was horrific and just looked like a ton of napkins thrown up on a skirt. I didn't love Olivier's dress like the judges did. I thought the skirt made his model's butt look huge, though I did love the top (but wasn't the top all doggie-bed, and therefore too fabric-like and conventional?).

Winner: Olivier. Whatever!

Bye-bye: Josh C. Wow, I'm surprised Bryce got by with the wee wee pad explosion. But yeah, Josh C. clearly had some taste issues.

07 August 2011

Breaking Bad

We open with Mike riding in a truck full of Pollos meth batter. The truck is stopped and shot to hell by a couple guys with automatic weapons. Mike lays low and survives (with only a nasty shot to the ear) and shoots the two thugs when they open the truck. Looks like someone has it out for Gus's operation.

Skyler can't sleep because she's too busy plotting out their entire cover story; she even goes to Gamblers Anonymous meetings with Walt for research. Better yet -- she's making Walt learn how to count cards for real!!! OMG! Brilliant. Skyler approaches it as she would a short story (remember when she was a wannabe writer?) as they prepare to "come clean" to the family. It's hysterical. Bryan Cranston rules. I love this show and its sitcom tendencies.

Hank breaks out a little something for Walter and Walter Jr. -- a DVD of Gale doing karaoke that he got from his case file. He's laughing while Walter looks like he wants to puke. I hope full video of Gale doing karaoke is on the DVD extras. (Update: it's here!)

After the confession to the family, Walter excuses himself -- so he can go through Gale's case file in Hank's room. He sees the crime scene photos and the notebook, but has to stop looking once Hank approaches. Walter gets Hank to talk to him about the case -- Hank thinks Gale is Heisenberg -- while scouring the notebook for any clues that might lead back to him. Hank notes that the notebook is dedicated to "W.W." - OH SNAP!!! Walter quickly covers that it must reference Walt Whitman, the author of the poem Gale recited and wrote in the notebook. That Walter White is GOOD (sometimes).

Walter goes to Jesse's house - and this is the first time he's seeing the crack den it has become. He tells Jesse that the police found fingerprints at the scene of Gale's murder and he presses poor Jesse for details on the night. Jesus, Walter, you're killing me. I hate you again. Jesse kicks him out (or, more accurately, pays a couple crackheads 100 bucks to kick him out).

Walter goes to Saul with his issues instead, freaking out about how much danger he's in, freaking out that Jesse will be caught or that Gus will be afraid Jesse will be caught and take care of Jesse himself. And freaking out that Jesse has "actual hobos" living in his house. After making sure his own name has never come up in the investigation, Saul lets Walter know that, when the time comes, he knows a guy who can help the Whites disappear. The paranoia continues at the lab, where Walter watches the surveillance camera follow Jesse.

Back in the crack den, Jesse leaves his money lying around way too much and one of the druggies has his eye on it. He also appears to still be skimming drugs from the lab. NO! He comes home, sees the entire bag of money is missing, and goes back to playing video games with a skank. Ugh, I want to slap him and hug him at the same time.

The next morning, Mike comes to Jesse's house to wake him up. He kicked everyone out, except for the guy who stole his money. (I'm guessing Mike's been watching the house and saw the guy take the money.) Jesse just takes his money and goes back to bed. This is not good; Mike reports back to Gus that Jesse is a liability that must be taken care of.

When Jesse doesn't come to work, Walter goes looking for him, only to find an empty house and Jesse's abandoned cell phone. Then he goes back to the lab and asks the surveillance camera, "Where is he?"

He's with Mike, driving. Mike: "You wanna ask where we're going?" Jesse: "Nope."
The end. Mothereffers.

The Challenge: Rivals

Oh god Michael and Paula are hooking up and MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING! Gross. There are crabs loose in the house, but not the kind you think. They're even in Mandi's room. Appropriate.

Challenge: Blast your hanging partner with a fire hose, prison-riot-style, so that they move back toward giant razors that will then cut their rope and drop them into the water. Giant razors -- what could possibly go wrong? Tragically, there are no beheadings.

Losers: Cara Maria and Laurel, who want to go up against Jenn and Mandi. But Jasmine and Jonna are the newbies, so they have to go in. Why does everyone protect Jenn all of the sudden?

It's Pre-Jungle Clubbing Time and that only means trouble. Jenn's offended that Cara Maria thinks she's having sex with Adam and gets all up in her face and slaps her. That Jenn, always classy. I'm loving that Cara Maria and Abram are still dating; they're sweet together, in a weird way.

The Jungle: Football-style tackling your opponent, forcing them outside the circle. The whole house is on Team Fiery Black Chicks because they hate Cara Maria.

Bye-bye: Jasmine and Jonna. Though they may be fiery, they're also weedy, and they're easily runover by the bigger girls.

For the next challenge, they're all heading to Buenos Aires. I hate these people so much.

06 August 2011

Monkey Movie

Seriously, I can't stop randomly shouting, "Monkey Movie!!"

It was brought to my attention that I should have a rating system of some sort. I'm thinking of "Awesome Movie," "Best Movie Ever," and "No But This Time I Mean It, Best Movie Ever." And of course there's "I've Seen Worse" and "Utter Crap." On that scale, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an Awesome Movie.

I didn't expect to like it, really. The trailers looked pretty corny and it's the kind of movie that could easily venture into awfulness. But it was getting overall good reviews and the motion capture stuff I saw at Comic-Con made me want to check it out. Meanwhile, I barely paid attention to the motion capture stuff, which I suppose means it was done really well.

The movie plausibly sets up how Earth could become a planet of apes. Really. The lead monkey, Caesar, goes from being adorable to a real asshole. But who can blame him; humans suck. The only thing really missing from this movie was more violence. Let's face it - chimps are freaking brutal. They rip off faces and balls like it's nothing. I wanted some ball-ripping. But we didn't even get implied ball-ripping. It's largely bloodless. But still with a good revolt from the monkeys and a couple shocking moments that I won't spoil but are awesome, and brought a literal hush over the audience. I like when that kind of crap happens.

The Monkey Movie was the Best Movie I've seen this month.

04 August 2011

SYTYCD: Results

I just realized no one got hurt this year. Hurrah! Well, we were robbed of Alex Wong, but yeah, otherwise, everyone stayed healthy after that first week when Someone We Don't Care About Anymore hurt himself.

Melanie gets the first bid in to the Finale, and Marko follows. YAY!

The Guest Performance was something called the Bad Boys of Dance, though there was one girl. But it was mostly shirtless guys in tight Tron-inspired pants balleting about. Whatever, just tell me my girl Sasha is fine and the world is still round.

Bye-Bye: Caitlynn and Ricky. Thank you, America!!! You rule!!!! 2 Asian guys and 2 wonderful girls - next week's going to be awesome and tough!

03 August 2011

SYTYCD: Performances

Guest Judges: Christina Applegate and Lil' C. And Orange Mary. Jesus, she is an unnatural shade of orange and so are her boobs. Her big old boobs.

1. Melanie and Twitch - Hip Hop by Tabitha & Napoleon. It was good. I mean, I wasn't really feeling the song, and it was weird to dance to, but she held her own for sure. Pretty good for a Pixie-haired white girl.

2. Sasha and Kent - Contemporary by Tyce. Oh crap - Kent, son! And OMFG it was a crazy-ass, intense routine that involved a wall and it was just crazy. This bitch needs to win. End of story.

3. Marko and Janette - Paso Doble by Some Dude. Marko was great. I mean, so was Janette but that's a no-brainer - I loved watching her skirt fly around. There was a cool trick in it and it was well done.

4. Tadd and Ellenore - Jazz by Sonya. I love Ellenore and her kooky style - pair her with Sonya and it's awesome. Add Tadd and it rules. He literally was swinging from a chandelier several times. Pretty cool. Nigel was right that there needed to be more dancing, but it was a nice piece. OK, maybe I'm disturbed that his nipples are prominently displayed in his sheer shirt.

5. Ricky and Jaimie - Contemporary by Dee Caspary. Damn, we are getting all the cool All Stars tonight!! I loved seeing Jaimie again. And they were really good together - it was a long, lean, lovely routine.

6. Caitlynn and Pasha - Samba by A Dude. Enough Pasha already. I know they need a male ballroom dancer, but Christ. Actually, it was really good and Caitlynn was surprisingly great!

7. Sasha and Ricky - Waacking by Some Chick. Waacking? Yep, Waacking. Not sure how to explain it - kind of disco-y but with lots of arm movements? It was cool and Sasha just proved she's awesome at everything. She deserved better than Ricky.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Broadway by Spencer Liff. Oh man, they deserve better than Broadway. It was actually an interesting routine though and they were good together. I love them both.

9. Caitlynn and Marko - Jazz by Sonya. It was an awesome routine - one of Sonya's slower Jazz routines. Loads of really cool moves. Marko's so strong and amazing and she was really good too!!!! Hmmmmm, she's been great tonight, and that's when you really want to prove yourself. Good for her.

But let's say goodbye to Caitlynn and Ricky tomorrow, OK, America? It's gotta be Sasha, man. Just Sasha. I mean, Melanie is a superclose second, but it is ALL ABOUT Sasha.