31 December 2006

Ravens Take a #2 on the AFC

Super Bowl bound baby! Ravens get a bye, which is nice. But other games were a bit of a dagger. Dallas loses to the dreadful Lions, which is also nice. But T.O. makes an amazing catch, which angers me, but should make T.O.-apologist Houman happy. But he's not happy for long - DAGGER - the Broncos are taken out in the longest, most painful game ever. Sorry, dude.

Hop on the B-more train y'all! And go Seahawks!

29 December 2006

Complete the Trifecta

OK, so celebrity deaths always happen in threes. We have James Brown and Gerald Ford. Who is next? And what is the connection among them? Would Saddam count if he dies this weekend?

27 December 2006

What I Did on My Christmas Vacation

We arrived in Baltimore on Saturday afternoon. That night we had a great dinner with friends, most of whom we see only at the annual Christmas dinner. Sunday we drove to Pennsylvania for the day, where we exchanged gifts with my family and ate entirely too much good food. On Christmas Eve night, we took Ryan to Hamden. It's a Baltimore neighborhood that goes all out for the holidays. I mean All. Out. The lights were amazing and it was a nice night to walk around.

On Christmas, we exchanged gifts with Mike's family and ate entirely too much good food. That night we continued our tradition of joining the area Jews for Chinese food. Actually, we had sushi. I even tried some non-vegetarian stuff. I can't say I liked the fish, but I loved the scallops. We couldn't find a movie worth seeing, so we just watched a lot of movie trailers on the internet.

Yesterday morning we drove through the old Owings Mills 'hood, and had a bagel - we have yet to find a good bagel place in Florida. This was the greatest bagel of my life. Today we're back up in Pennsylvania for a few days. We're going to a basketball game tonight at my high school - the kids that I used to babysit for are now on the team. So that will be interesting, and I'm going to feel REALLY old.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas!

23 December 2006

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Weekend

We're off to start our whirlwind tour of Maryland and Pennsylvania in a couple hours. Watch for us in your town!!!

This is the best picture I could get of our candy cane palm tree.

This is the house at night. The neighbors have icicle lights (which I despise), as does half the neighborhood.

And this is our Christmas tree.

I'll be gone til the 31st. If something important happens, like Lindsay Lohan dying, then I'll be sure to post it. Plus, I got a money Palm that has wireless internet so I may be experimenting with that.


22 December 2006

Merry Christmas from Eric Cartman

I couldn't find the song online, but I heard this on the radio and LOVE it!

Stockings are hung on the chimney,
And the presents are under the tree,
And mama's in the kitchen
Making some herbal tea.

Windows are covered with frost
And the candles are all alight,
But as I wander through this quiet house,
Something just doesn't seem right.

You see, every year, the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony Beef Log.
But the neighbors aren't around (around, around)
There's no Beef Log to be found this year.

(No Beef Log)

Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log.
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't think I can get along.

Mother tries to comfort me;
She says "Here, Son, have some eggnog."
I fucking hate eggnog, seriously.

But what do I see
Underneath the tree?
Grandma got a Swiss Colony Beef Log just for me!
Ah, ah, ah, Grandma!!

Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby!
That's what Christmas is all about!

A roly poly Colony Beef Log Baby,
Makes a little boy scream and shout!

Deck the halls with boughs of Swiss Colony!
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!


Greatest Movie Review Headline Ever??

From CNN.com:

Night at the Museum, two hours in hell

So, um... no. I won't be seeing this.

21 December 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

8:55 AM Yes, I am pathetic and I am going to be throwing myself my own birthday party!! I woke up early and worked out, but for the rest of the day I'm doing what I want to do! You know you're obsessed with food when you've been planning what you're going to eat on your birthday for a week.

My first birthday wishes came from Germany!! (Sorry, Karen, Houman beat you to it.) I'll let him explain why he's in Germany.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to get a Boston Cream Donut and a Soy Chai Latte....

10:15 AM ... and they were delicious. The drink even more so since my neighbor was working at Starbucks and didn't charge me! Holla! Tragically, I have to work a little from home today. So that people can get paid. I guess it's nice to have money during the holidays. So I'll do it.

11:25 AM My Birthday iTunes Playlist. OK, so here is the very eclectic mix of music I downloaded from iTunes today. They have a feature that selects songs they think you'd like and goddamnit if they weren't 75% correct. I got most of these songs based on the recommendations! I guess I'm predictable, at least in my love for '80's music.

Daughtry - the whole album (I guess he dropped the "Chris" - that's SO rock and roll)
Linkin Park's Reanimation album (it was the only way to get "My December" and I actually don't have this album anyway)
"Somebody Told Me" - The Killers
"Wise Up" - Aimee Mann
"Perfect Way" - Scritti Politti
"I Can't Wait" - Nu Shooz
"True Faith" - New Order
"Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor (because it will forever take me back to the Pizza Hut jukebox)
"How Soon is Now?" - The Smiths
"A Benihana Christmas" - The Office

3:30 PM What the hell have I been doing all afternoon? I did some pre-vacation DVR cleaning. Watched some Heroes and the documentary The Comedians of Comedy - very good by the way. Now I'm off to get my hair did.

6:00 PM Hair is done. Now I get the birthday meal I've wanted since I walked by Cheeburger Cheeburger and saw that they were making Peppermint Milkshakes. Count me in!! Can I put a candle in it? Maybe in the burger.

20 December 2006

I Have Money ESP

OK, so most of my predictions came true. And Rocky Balboa IS a good movie. In fact, it's the corny, feel-good boxing movie of the year. The audience cheered several times. Of course, that just made me laugh. I can only imagine that if people here in Florida are cheering, audiences in Philly must be shooting at the screen. Even I got a kick out of seeing the Philly scenes - including some shots at Claudio's and the Italian Market.

Rocky Balboa is a good movie to see on Christmas if you're like me and you like to go out to eat Chinese food and watch a movie with the Jewish crowd.

Psychic Predictions: Rocky Balboa

So no secret that I flip-flopped on Rocky Balboa and now can't wait to see it. Have you noticed that the commercials now heavily feature Milo Ventimiglia? No? I have. Before Heroes, you barely knew he was in it.

Anyway, it's out today and I'll see it either tonight or tomorrow. The question is: will I actually like it? Spoiler alert: it's actually supposed to be really good! I thought I'd post these Amazing Predictions (TM) before seeing it:

Rocky will drink raw eggs.

Rocky will do pull-ups on a fence.

Rocky will lift heavy chains.

Rocky will hit some meat.

Get it, because he's poor and can't afford to work out in a real gym!

Wait a minute, shouldn't he be rich? I am a Rocky expert. While I haven't technically seen the other Rocky movies, isn't he a big-time boxer? Where'd that money go?

During the main fight at the end, it will look like Rocky is going to lose. Then he will look over at his crooked-lip son, who will be urging him to get up and fight (and maybe throw in Adrian's name there as motivation - you know something like, Do it for mom!), and will suddenly have the power to finish the fight and win. Or he'll die in the ring. Either one.

If he doesn't die, at the very end of the movie he will take his belt or whatever the hell boxers win to Adrian's grave. "See, baby, I did it for you. I wish you could have been here to see it." And....roll credits.

Nerd Alert: More Than Meets the Eye

Transformers trailer.

This movie will kick ass. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Vomit Alert: Cougar Edition

Sharon Stone and Christian Slater have confirmed rumors they're dating and now plan to spend Christmas together. The starry couple, who co-star in new movie Bobby, sparked romance rumors when they attended a string of events together, but refused to confirm their relationship. But now 48-year-old Stone and her 37-year-old beau aren't hiding their affections for each other - they recently attended a party for fashion label Dolce & Gabbana at the Chateau Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles arm-in-arm and made sure everyone knew they were a couple. A source close to Stone says, "They're both really happy - but they don't have long-term expectations. It's a fun fling for the holidays and Sharon is a good influence. She rarely drinks and has three kids. It's a good match for now."

Eeeew. 'Nuf said.

19 December 2006

Rorschach Test: Christmas Edition

What do you see when you look at this picture? Does it remind anyone else of a scene from Clerks?

Photo courtesy: KP Photo Agency

iTunes Suggestions Sought

I received an iTunes gift certificate for an early birthday present (Teets rules!) and I'm open to suggestions for songs to download. Keep thinking I'm not going to download Chris Daughtry's album!! Of course I am!

I'm trying to keep myself from downloading Heroes episodes. I mean, really, will I watch them on a 2-inch iPod screen? Well, I do have some flights coming up....

18 December 2006

Blind Item: Christmas Edition

What 16-month-old can't help pulling himself away from his toaster-oven-turned-drum-set to slip into the Yule Log Trance?

17 December 2006

Comedians Rule Part II

For an early birthday present, last night Mike surprised me with tickets to see Doug Benson at the Miami Improv!!! Benson, aka The Pop Culture Bachelor, was really really funny. For some reason, this is the joke I remember (he was telling a series of bad jokes):

A woman and a man are in an elevator. The woman asks the man, "Can I smell your balls?" He says, "No." Then she says, "Oh, it must be your feet then."

Trust me, with his delivery, it was funnier than it might sound!!!

Merry Christmas from SNL

This is a great Digital Short. I have the song in my head now at all times!!

Click here, then click on Watch Video Now. It's worth waiting through the commercial. Enjoy!

16 December 2006

Daybreak Dagger

I hate to say I told you so....
ABC had big plans for the sci-fi mess Daybreak as a fan-sating fill-in during the chancy 13-week midseason hiatus for Lost. With Taye Diggs as the star, a creepy Groundhog Day premise and a demanding serialized structure, the strongest thing Daybreak had going for it was the Lost teaser "nugget" buried in each episode. Just enough to keep viewers hanging in.

Daybreak was supposed to last through Dec. 27. But its rating were so appallingly miniscule this week, the show's been yanked early. Cancelled. As of now. In the bin with Show Me The Money.

Why 24 is Awesome

Thank god the producers of 24 have some GD sense....

Jennifer Aniston has been snubbed in her bid to land a guest spot on her favorite TV drama 24. The star reportedly put her name forward for a part in the show but producers turned her down flat - because she's "too recognizable."

Executive producer Joel Surnow says, "You can't put those people on (the show) because they're too recognizable. They'll take you (viewers) out of the reality."

Aniston wasn't the only big name to be turned down for a role in "24" by producers - funnyman Ben Stiller was also deemed too famous for the show, according to TV Guide.

That's My Boy!!

Goodbye to the nickname "Snaggletooth." Thanks to $50,000 worth of porcelain veneers and other dental work, and 20 sometimes-painful hours in the dentist's chair to fix his crossbite, American Idol underdog Elliott Yamin can't seem to wipe the smile off his face, PEOPLE reports in its new issue.

Hey, I never called him Snaggletooth - I called him Alf. I love the new bushy hair too!

14 December 2006

The Office

I love a good Office Christmas. Probably the greatest thing I've ever seen is Michael marking his new Japanese "girlfriend" on the arm so that he can tell the difference between her and her Japanese friend. Only Michael Scott can have a rebound relationship that lasts 3 hours. Who did he invite to Jamaica over the phone? My guess is Jan or his mother.

Also great: Dwight singing Styx. You know they're the greatest arena rock band of the '80's, right?

Golden Globes

Imagine my delight when I awoke to discover the Golden Globe nominations would be announced this morning. Really, I think I clapped. I love me some awards shows.

My highlights of the nominations:

Heroes for Best Drama!!! OF COURSE!!

Hiro Nakamura!!!! Masi Oka got nominated for Heroes. Yatta!!!

Mark Wahlberg for The Departed.

Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock.

Dagger - the awards are going to be on opposite the premiere of 24. Looks like my DVR will have its hands full that night!

13 December 2006

Dead Guys in the News

Peter Boyle, who was the tap-dancing monster in "Young Frankenstein" and the curmudgeonly father in the long-running sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died. He was 71.

Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease.

I liked him. He was the best part of Raymond. More importantly....."puttin' on the Ritz!!!"

Heroes: Zach is Back... in the Closet

I have many favorite characters on Heroes. OK, all of them. But I really love Claire's friend, Zach. Although they never had him say "I am gay," my 100%-accurate gaydar went off big time with him. There were a few references to him being "different", he would talk about Claire "coming out" to her parents, and Jackie called him "the gay boy". I loved that he was this wise, gay kid that was comfortable with who he was. But now NBC is actually making a point of saying Zach isn't gay.

WHAT??!! This stinks. Apparently, the actor is going to be the lead in the series coming out based on The Terminator (like that will be good). So it looks like it's his management that doesn't want people to think the actor is gay. Are they insane? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure straight actors can play gay people. And I'm pretty sure gay actors can still get work. Plus, this actor has played gay kids before. Why is it a problem now? Because the show is hot?

The creators of the show admit that Zach was supposed to be gay. But I guess they are beholden to NBC, and the word came from on high that Zach is straight.

I'm assuming he won't be on the show much anymore anyway since his memory was erased and he's no longer friends with Claire. This is a bummer because I loved their relationship. Goddamn, NBC, if I didn't owe you for bringing me this show I would write you a strongly worded letter. Just another reason this show should be on FOX.

12 December 2006

Can't Get Enough Brangelina

I'm in love!

From People magazine:

For the first time, Angelina Jolie has described what happened between her and Brad Pitt on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith – and she insists she never had any intention of breaking up his marriage to Jennifer Aniston.

When she first met her costar on the set of the thriller in 2003, "I didn't know much about exactly where Brad was in his personal life," Jolie, 31, says in the January issue of Vogue, according to excerpts published in the New York Post. "But it was clear he was with his best friend, someone he loves and respects.

"And so we were both living, I suppose, very full lives. … I think we were the last two people who were looking for a relationship. I certainly wasn't. I was quite content to be a single mom." But "Brad was a huge surprise to me. I, like most people, had a very distant impression of him from … the media," she says.

The two remained "very, very good friends" from the time the movie wrapped in 2004 until after Pitt and Aniston announced their separation in January 2005, Jolie says. "And then life developed in a way where we could be together, where it felt like something we would do, we should do."

In fact, it was her son, Maddox, now 5, who helped seal the deal. (Jolie and Pitt are also parents to Zahara, 23 months, and Shiloh, 6 months.) One day, Maddox "just out of the blue called him Dad," says Jolie. "It was amazing. We were playing with cars on the floor of a hotel room, and we both heard it and didn't say anything and just looked at each other. So that was probably the most defining moment, when he decided that we would all be a family."

Pitt has said he and Jolie would not wed until all couples can legally marry, and Jolie agrees that tying the knot is not a priority. "We both have been married before, so it's not marriage that's necessarily kept some people together," she says. "We are legally bound to our children, not to each other, and I think that's the most important thing."

OK, so it doesn't sound so romantic at the end there where she says they're legally bound to their children. That makes it sound like she wants to leave, but checked with her attorneys, and they told her she can't.

11 December 2006

My Bad

Andy Roddick hosted his first annual Charity Celebrity Poker Tournament at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Fla., Friday night, and his ex, Mandy Moore, was on hand to lend star wattage.

I was there. Saw the tournament happening. Didn't know to look for Mandy. Houman will never forgive me... but mostly because Backstreet Boy Howie Dorough was there too. And he loves the ladies!

Drunk Whores Part 86

Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early this morning after two drivers spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank and called 911.

When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone. Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot.

Can these drunk whores all just go to jail and die already? Also, the police report puts her at a hefty 5'1", 85 pounds. Fatty pig fatty!!!

09 December 2006

What's Prettier?

The people in the picture or the building behind them?

I S you not, if I had this picture a week ago it would have been my Christmas card. There's always next year!

07 December 2006


It's time to give up on Daybreak. Actually, last week was the time to give up. Sure, it had an interesting premise - black Groundhog Day - and fine-ass Taye Diggs as the star. But I knew the guillotine was coming down when last week I went to bed rather than watch the last 10 minutes of the show.

Mike likes it, but I'm trying to convince him not to watch because the ratings are horrific. (I was right about The Nine, people.) I even went so far as to write ratings for different shows on the chalkboard to illustrate that Daybreak had the same rating as One Tree Hill for godsakes, and scored lower than Smallville. Now this week One Tree Hill beat Daybreak. This is a dagger, folks. Give up now.

The Real World: The Mother of All Fights

HOLY CRAP!! I'm freaking out because I just caught up on The Real World: Denver. I watched the first 3 episodes in a row. That's the best way to watch the first few episodes of a season, because it's great to see, "We're best friends, all my roommates are great!" and then 40 minutes later, "She slept with the guy I like" and the dudes fighting.

I feel like quoting Anchorman: "Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast." I don't know where it came from, but suddenly 2 really drunk dudes were screaming and fighting. From what I could tell, the gay Christian dude (Davis) was egging on the huge black dude (Tyree) and asking him to hit him. Roommates intervened. Then Davis comes at Tyree again, crying and screaming. Then producers intervened. You know that's serious, because if The Real World has one thing it's journalistic integrity, and the producers don't like to get on camera.

So Davis says he's leaving because he feels threatened and drops the n-bomb!!!!!! Oh my god this can't be good. This was the craziest fight I've ever seen in my life. But I'm equally blown away that the next day they worked through it like adults. Davis pulled out the Mel Gibson "I have a drinking problem" excuse and the brothers reached out to him and said they wanted him to stay.

This is why I stopped drinking....

Lost Makes Me Bitter

Lost is moving to Wednesdays at 10 PM when it returns in 2009 or whenever it's finally coming back. Great. So now not only will it suck the life force out of me and rob me of an hour of my life, but now I'll have to stay up later and fall asleep at my desk the next day. You're batting 1000, Lost.

05 December 2006

Another Driving Related Arrest

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin pled guilty yesterday to charges of "inattentive driving" and will pay a $375 fine. But he was actually arrested for crashing his car while masturbating in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Defendant Griffin was under the influence of alcohol and negligently not paying attention to the direction of travel ahead of him due in part to the fact he was watching a pornographic DVD which was displayed on a mounted in-dash DVD player, located near the steering column, in his Escalade video. He was manually manipulating his genitals which he described to a witness, after the accident, as "jacking off." DVD jackets with pornographic titles "Anal Action" and "Privates" were seen in the driver/passenger area of the vehicle. The items were viewed by the officers at the scene, whereupon they laughed.

Who knew it was illegal to drive while manipulating your genitals?

Can't Stop Danity Kane

Doesn't there come a time when it's just enough with the fake hair already? The chick in the middle has too much hair AND a Paris-Hilton-Lazy-Eye problem! I won't even comment on the fact that she's wearing her midget grandmother's see-through nightgown. I guess I just did.

24: Enough is Enough

Alright, 24. You can stop now. When are you going to fulfill your quota of people who were famous in the '80s, D-listers, and former child stars?

Rick Schroder and his magic Mormon underwear are joining the cast!

P.S.: Season 5 on DVD today! Sure, I'm bitter about Tony, but I'll get over it.

Tweener gets busted!

A sport utility vehicle driven by Lane Garrison of TV's "Prison Break" and three teenagers struck a tree, killing a 17-year-old boy, police said. The vehicle jumped a curb and hit a tree.

Two 15-year-old girls inside the vehicle were also injured, one critically, during the late Saturday night accident, police said. Garrison, 26, had minor injuries and police now believe Garrison may have been drunk when he crashed his SUV

"According to our accident investigators, Mr. Garrison did display symptoms of alcohol intoxication," Beverly Hills Police spokesman Lt. Mitch McCann told FOXNews.com. "In addition, investigators removed alcohol containers from the SUV he was driving that was registered to him."

What was this douche doing drunk in the middle of the night with 3 teenagers?

04 December 2006

Heroes Will Return Next Year To Kick Even More Ass

I feel so bad for Claire. The poor girl felt like a freak because she's indestructible. She sees a kindred spirit in Peter, and is excited at the idea of sharing her specialness with someone. At least she still has Zack to confide in, but then her dad has her BFF's mind erased. They were such good friends, and now it's like their relationship never happened. So sad. The Haitian was ordered to erase Claire's memory by her father, but tells her that he's going to tell her a secret, and that she should pretend to forget everything. Mike thinks Claire's dad is the one with the power-blocking power.

OK, so what went down tonight? Holy crap!! Peter looks like he's going through withdrawal in prison. Nathan springs him. Then Peter faints and has a dream where all of the Heroes are in an abandoned New York, Nathan looks menacing, and Peter explodes in a ball of light. And then it looks like present-day Peter dies. But there is NO WAY that happened. No way.

Eden died trying to get Sylar to kill himself. Looks like she shot herself so he couldn't eat her brains and get her power of persuasion.

Oh yeah, and Isaac painted Hiro taking on a dinosaur. Really.

R.I.P. P.I.G.

I am sorry to report that Max, the potbellied pig that lived with George Clooney for the past 18 years, died a couple of days ago. Clooney said to USA Today: "He just died! He was as old a pig as the vets had ever seen. I was really surprised, because he's been a big part of my life."

I remember reading about Max when Clooney first became famous on ER. I always thought it was so cute that he had a pig!

Of course, my favorite Clooney story involves a prank he pulled on a friend. He was catsitting for his friend's new kitten. On the last day of catsitting, Clooney took a dump in the litter box. The friend was, needless to say, shocked to see something that size in the kitten's litter box! I just love that story. And that's why I'll always like George Clooney.

03 December 2006

How To Get In The Holiday Spirit

1. Load your Christmas CDs onto your iPod. It's just not Christmas without Clay Aiken and Harry Connick, Jr.

2. Decorate the outside of your house. This year, I was sweaty and sunburned after doing it, but I suppose that's better than freezing my ass off. I'm going to complain either way. My palm tree looks like a candy cane, and it's wonderful.

3. Use Twisted Peppermint Body Scrub and Lotion from Bath & Body Works. It's tingly and smells great. When purchasing these items, be sure to whine about how they don't make peppermint candles.

4. Light the peppermint candle you bought 2 years ago. It's not dead yet!

5. Wrap the presents you have purchased.

6. Put up your Christmas tree. If it's fake, light a Pine Tree candle.

7. Drink a Peppermint White Mocha. You won't be disappointed.

8. Buy a new outfit for Christmas.

9. Watch The Ref, my favorite Christmas movie. And the funniest. Also, watch the Christmas Party episode of Season 2 of The Office. Gift exchange at its finest.

01 December 2006

The Duel: Marshmallows Have Feelings Too

Is it wrong that I laughed all the way through Wes's crying on this week's Real World/Road Rules Challenge? If he wins, Wes plans to marry Johanna. No Johanna!!! Don't do it! Gross. And after he beats Derrick in the duel (see, a combination of alcohol, steroids, and marijuana DOES impair your reflexes), he says he wants Derrick to be his kids' godfather. Please, god, don't let Wes have kids!