31 March 2011

Top Chef All-Stars: The Finale

Michael v. Richard - I like this matchup. They're both amazing - you'd think Richard would be the favorite, but it's really anyone's game. Michael's been great this season. I like that there are only 2 finalists too - no one's in the middle, you either win or lose.

Final Challenge: Create the restaurant of your dreams with a 4-course tasting menu.

Former contestants are brought in to be sous chefs, but first they each have to create an amuse-bouche. And then Michael and Richard have to do a blind taste test to pick their teams. Richard gets Spike, Angelo, and Antonia; Michael gets Ginger Tiffany, Jamie (OH NO!), and Carla.

I want Michael's spiced beet salad. Tom creams himself over Michael's fish course and pork (with pepperoni sauce!) - and they sound really amazing - but the dessert kind of bombs. Richard has a million protein combinations -- and foie gras ice cream. *puke* So yeah - they should just never make dessert on this show.

Winner: Richard!! Yay for him - Richard rules, even if he is a crybaby.

28 March 2011

The Event

That Annoying Prick Sean and That Chick are on the run from the bumbling, inept Secret Service. Sean makes the "I'll expose your son's location" threat for the 100th time to keep That Chick around. Cuz it's time for a road trip to France!!!!

The Alien Meeting Place is surrounded and ready for a good bombing. President Underwood gives Sophia 10 minutes to get her people to surrender. Sterling wants the aliens kept alive so they can be questioned, but President Underwood really has a hard-on for some alien extermination.

Sophia and Thomas try to get their man to "portal" them out of there. I guess we're making that a verb now? Portal? He doesn't have the fuel required to transport all of the aliens, so instead he makes an earthquake at the White House. And the motherlovin' Washington Monument collapses and gets swallowed up into the ground. Is that all you got? It's just a worthless tourist trap anyway.

Sophia calls back with a demand - get us some buses and a plane or else DC gets destroyed. Alright, so she's not trying to make nice any longer....

That Annoying Prick Sean and That Chick are on a private plane to France - what, no boat that crosses the ocean in 4 hours? She video-chats with her mom to check on her son, and they find out the Washington Monument has been destroyed.

Over in France, Hal Holbrook visits an archeological dig he's been funding. The guy who's doing his digging entered some chamber that he wasn't supposed to, so Hal Holbrook kills him. Then he brings some other guy into the chamber, which leads to a cave painting of guardian angels. One of the symbols matches a tattoo on Hal Holbrook's arm. It's all so shocking!

Thomas and Sophia are doing a lot of talking, but all I'm focused on is this lisp Thomas has developed. Never noticed it before. And now it's ALL I hear. Cuz they're just rambling on and on about leadership and stuff. When Thomas says, "sixty-six years" it makes my skin crawl. They end up hugging and practically making out, so I guess all is forgiven now.

Sterling picks now to remember that Thomas was the lab tech when Alien Asian Hottie had his blood test done and passed as human. Seriously -- he suddenly, conveniently realizes this? Lame.

Hey guess what - Our Favorite Idiots are in France, heading to a safehouse. Good thing she has all these connections that no one uses to track them down. We know it's France because there is soup and baguettes and wine. That Chick and New, Annoying French Dude catch up and tell stupid old stories. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Back at the House of Aliens, Leila is all bitchy with her father. "Is it true? About the Monument?" I know, right? A monument! How dare they!!!! I hope she gets a bullet between those big eyes.

The buses approach the House of Aliens, and Sophia gives her 687th speech about remaining calm and standing strong and showing President Underwood what's what. President Underwood and Sterling decode a phone conversation between Alien Asian Hottie and Sophia (I missed that entire process, but I'm sure it was pointless and out-of-nowhere) where she tells him that she's bluffing and doesn't have the fuel to destroy DC just yet. President Hard-On For War orders a bus bombing. The first bus (the one that contains all the no-name aliens) is destroyed.

And now Portal Guy has enough fuel to "portal" one bus only!! Thomas tells him to save Sophia's bus. Her bus (which conveniently also contains Leila) is whisked away to safety while Thomas's blows the eff up. Finally - no more lisp.

27 March 2011


Let me first say "Thank you" to FOX for showing faith in Fringe and renewing it. You guys rock, and I'll have your babies.

We're in the Other Universe with pregnant Fauxlivia being tested for some disease that killed her sister in childbirth and will kill the mother and possibly the baby (it turns out she is a carrier). She's also busy being kidnapped immediately following her appointment. She's taken to a makeshift medical facility where random stuff is done to her. Whatever it is, it doesn't look good. There are injections and glowy things.

Bubbles the Taxi Driver is back! He's been following Fauxlivia because he's been concerned, especially since she doesn't know who he is. He makes Lincoln more suspicious of his idea that the Olivias could have been switched. Lincoln confronts Walternate, who confirms the switch. He also fills Lincoln in on the future-grandchild thing, and says he's worried that the kidnapping could be directed at him.

Soon, the baby (it's a boy!) looks like it's trying to bust through Fauxlivia's stomach. This machine that looked a lot like a dental x-ray machine apparently cooks babies like a microwave cooks turkeys, because suddenly Fauxlivia is full term. But even full term, Fauxlivia kicks ass, and fights her way out. She escapes into Chinatown and gets a call in to Lincoln to tell him she's giving birth. Bubbles drives him, and they help her deliver. Lincoln tells Fauxlivia he loves her, and I really thought she was going to die. Lincoln was crying, I really thought this was over. But both Fauxlivia and Baby Boy survive.

Lincoln and Charlie continue to be an awesome team. And now they're both really suspicious about Walternate and what else he's done behind their backs.

And he's doing a lot behind their backs - he was responsible for Fauxlivia's kidnapping. Dun-dun-dun.

This Week's Code: FATED.

A) No new episodes for 3 weeks!

B) Only 4 left!

C) Next up: the team uses LSD to enter Olivia's mind. LSD always brings about great things on this show!

24 March 2011

Top Chef All-Stars: The Finale... Almost

Quickfire Challenge: They each have to do a separate "Best of" challenge. Antonia has to work with canned goods, Richard has to make something with hot dogs, and Michael has to do one-pot cooking. Then they have a twist halfway through - Michael can't use utensils or hand tools, Richard can only use one hand, and Antonia has to have Carla glued to her side. Michael wins for the 1000th time in a row.

Final Challenge: Create a "last supper" for a culinary icon. Michael chose Michelle Bernstein, and then assigned Morimoto to Antonia and Wolfgang Puck to Richard.

Michelle wants fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. Wolfgang wants goulash and apple strudel, and Morimoto wants - go figure - Japanese food. Poor Antonia.

Michael mixed things up and did an empanada instead of a biscuit, but Michelle still liked it. Richard's stuff looked good. This final challenge didn't seem as big as the final challenges of the past. I don't know - didn't they always have to make 5 course meals? Although these chefs had no help, and I think in finales they usually are given old contestants as sous chefs.

BUT WAIT. That's not the final challenge - only 2 will move on. Jesus, this is the longest finale! There have been like 56 stages! I guess I missed Stage No. 42.

Richard is deemed safe, and then we come to Stage 7,432. Antonia and Michael have to make a one-bite dish for all of the judges. Jesus Christ.

Bye-bye: Antonia. I wasn't even paying attention. I'm mostly pissed that I thought LAST week was the finale, and then thought THIS week was the finale, and I was wrong both times. Give me my goddamn finale!!

21 March 2011

The Event

Thomas receives a response to the message he sent - that something terrible happened back home. He calls Sophia to tell her that the message is game-changing, and they all need to gather to discuss.

Hal Holbrook is picking out "special" girls at the playground, in the creepiest old man way possible.

That Annoying Prick Sean demands to know who The Chick is working for. He threatens the release of her family's address on the internet. Guess what - there are a lot of addresses on the internet. Jesus Christ. But this works, and she tells him Hal Holbrook's name, and that the Vice President was behind the assassination attempt.

They drive to see the VP in Washington (no, really). From a diner, Sean hacks the guest list to a DC party (sure, right) and then next thing you know Sean and That Chick are barging into some random couple's room and assuming their identity for the party (fingerprints and all - Jesus Christ, this show). That Sean - his hacking knows no bounds.

They get into the party and confront the VP with their plastic gun -- they want the proof to put away Hal Holbrook. Sean puts the gun all up in the VP's neck and is all "I'm a crazy guy! I'll do anything!" Douche. The VP says Hal Holbrook is in France. Perfect - Sean should be able to drive there in 3 hours.... The Secret Service bust in and Sean and That Chick get away. Of course they do. On the road to France, no doubt.

Meanwhile, the Government finds out Sophia's location, and follow her to the Alien Meeting To Discuss The Message That Must Be Discussed In-Person. Leila follows her Alien Guardian too so now she's in the meeting. I hope the Government decides to bomb the place!

And this all-important message that came from the Home Planet? Their Sun has started going supernova, and the planet is less than a year from being uninhabitable. Time to bring everyone to Earth.

Marines swarm the building, preparing to attack. Build up. Suspense. And then nothing.

Guess what happened in this episode? Nothing. They keep teasing that damn image of the Washington Monument crumbling - bring it on, dammit!

18 March 2011


I'm so ready for the craziest show on television to get crazier. Possession? Sure, why not.

The Team is studying Bell-livia - Olivia is possessed by William Bell while Olivia's consciousness is sleeping. Peter wants him out already because, let's face it, he doesn't want to bang Olivia like this. Bell just needs 48 hours to find a new host for his consciousness. No worries, he says, Olivia's just sleeping and will be fine.

Freak of the Week: (Yes, on this show, Bell-livia does NOT count as the Freak of the Week) A woman who can't die.

Special Agent Lincoln Lee (yay!) is investigating the woman, who was murdered 18 months ago (for the first time anyway). Since then, she has been at the scene of several suicides -- when the other person dies, she sucks their life force and doesn't die.

I can't say I entirely followed what this woman's deal was, but she has been trying to die and can't. She met a guy who for some reason confessed to her right before he killed himself that he had planted a bomb on a train. Then she went to sit in the exact seat, hoping that the bomb finally kills her, that dying with a lot of people will help seal the deal.

The Team figures all of this out, including that she's sitting on a train bomb. I'll just chalk that up to the awesome deductive powers of Lincoln Lee. Plus the fact that the bomb dude left an invoice for plastic explosives in his bathroom. That's smart.

The Team stops the train, but the woman runs off with the bomb. It explodes safely out in a field and she finally dies. Lincoln goes back to the Hartford office, but I hope to hell they call him back to work with them again!!

Bell-livia rules because she wears black turtlenecks, raises her eyebrow, and mildly hits on Astrid. And it was SO much fun to see Walter get along with his old partner, with their inside jokes and recreational drug use.

All Peter and Bell-livia conversations have zero eye contact on his part - it's awesome. He's super annoyed. When they're having a conversation at the end, they hear church bells in the distance. At that point, Olivia awesomely comes out for a second, Peter gets happy, and then Bell's all, "Oopsie, maybe it's more complicated than I thought." Love it!

This Week's Code: ERODE.

Top Chef All-Stars

Quickfire Challenge: Prove your consistency by creating 100 identical dishes in an hour. They work in pairs so it ends up being Boys v. Girls. Tiffany and Antonia make a beef tenderloin salad while Michael and Richard make fresh pasta and bolognese sauce. The Girls win in an upset.

Elimination Challenge: Make lunch on a deserted island - and use conch, which you must catch yourself. Oh god, we don't need to see these chefs in swimming suits. It's gross.

Richard made sweet potato "linguine" with conch and lobster. Antonia's seared snapper with conch tartare was apparently hella spicy (but in a good way). Tiffany made conch and coconut chowder plus conch ceviche - and her chowder came out cold. Michael was heavy-handed with the butter, but his banana leaf wrapped grouper with braised pineapple and conch vinaigrette sounded the best to me, plus really incorporated local ingredients.

Winner: Michael. Awesome!

Bye-bye: Tiffany. With her cold and too-sweet soup, that makes sense. She definitely didn't belong in this Final Three.

15 March 2011

The Event

Thomas and the aliens he broke out of the Alaskan prison are riding through some neighborhood in a bunch of big, black SUVs. Apparently they own all the homes in this little subdivision. He wants everyone to work on the portal to bring other aliens here.

Sterling's back at work already. Damn. I guess it makes sense - he looks like a zombie already, so he probably doesn't need his blood. Alien Asian Hottie sure does have a lot of access to the President. How the hell does he get to sit at the table? What's his job again?

Michael drops his miserable daughters off with some couple, the female of whom is Andrea from 90210 and the male of whom is an alien. Then Michael and Sophia go to meet up with this dude who has half of his face melted off to try to find Thomas. They torture him until he spills that he's supplying Thomas with uranium to power the array, and that he plans to get the uranium from a nuclear power plant. Turns out, Melted Face and Thomas have tried this before - with Chernobyl. Dun dun DUN! Sophia tells the President so they can work to remove the uranium from the facility.

I can't even discuss Leila digging through an overnight bag to find her sister's blanket. A blanket that took up the whole overnight bag. I get the feeling sometimes that actress doesn't know what to do with her hands. I hate her. I also hate That Annoying Prick Sean, who is drowning his sorrows at a bar. The chick next to him actually says to the pushy guy she's with, "You're not the boss of me!" - really? people who aren't 5 say that? - and Sean intervenes in their fight. Much crappy "fighting" ensues. And then he breaks into a woman's house and eats from her refrigerator. Wait. I feel like I lost time somewhere there - he just left the bar I guess? He knows this woman, but I don't know who she is. He wants her help to run away to Mexico. Careful, dude, they behead people there. Actually, go for it, Sean! Let me help you!

The government works on moving the nuclear material, but Thomas had set that whole thing up precisely so that they WOULD move it - and so they can hijack the truck. And Melted Face is really good at breaking out of handcuffs using electrical wire from a live outlet whilst not getting electrocuted. As Thomas and his crew descend upon the convoy, Melted Face attacks Sophia (Thomas told him to kill her). Michael comes in and kills Melted Face, and Thomas is successful in getting the uranium out of Alien Asian Hottie's incapable hands. (Seriously, what is his job!? Now he's escorting uranium!?)

Hey, remember that sexy brunette chick who was working with D.B. Sweeney and Hal Holbrook? Yeah, I don't really either. But Sean does and he shows up at her house too. He really likes breaking into chicks' houses - good thing they all live near each other, huh? He wants to know who she works for, how to stop them, blah blah blah.

This show is such a pointless mess!

14 March 2011


We open with Walter smoking weed with Hurley. This is gonna be a good episode!

Hurley's just a security guard whose sole purpose is to tell Walter which office was William Bell's. Well, that was disappointing. Walter raids the office, on a rampage to try to save our Universe. He says he needs Bell's help, and wants to contact him by using "soul magnets".

Freak of the Week: Guys that are essentially giant helium balloons. They are 2 masked guys repelling from a building, and when one is shot by a guard, he escapes his weighted gravity boots and floats weightless. It's a pretty cool effect when the team investigates the body and it's floating around and tethered in the lab.

Eventually, the body drops to the ground and is super-heavy. The helium guy who escaped starts bleeding from the eyeballs and then dies. He was the subject of an experiment in anti-gravity, conducted by one Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Cameron starts dismembering the body. Jesus Christ, Cameron! Peter and Olivia arrive to the gruesome scene and find a walk-in freezer full of dismembered bodies. Jesus Christ, show!

Speaking of those two, Olivia and Peter are officially a couple now. I guess I just have to accept it and move on. Walter's happy about it, Nina's happy about it, so I'll be happy. They're very happy-couple-y, all with the dating-while-investigating and holding hands in the hallway.

The bodies all have a high concentration of some precious metal, which was the metal the 2 thieves were breaking into the building to steal. The deceased were also all confined to wheelchairs before participating in the experiment. And now Cameron has taken to preying upon more handicapped guys, looking for new subjects.

Cameron injects a new subject, who floats out of his chair. He then tells the guy it's only temporary because he needs more of that mystery metal, and the guy volunteers to steal it. We find out that Cameron's son is also confined to a wheelchair, and the reason for his experiments.

Floating Thief #3 helps Cameron break into the Museum of Science in order to steal some meteorites that have the metal. Unfortunately for them, the Fringe Team is also heading there to get a sample of those meteorites, and they're nicked.

In the end, Peter comes clean with Olivia and tells her about his side project - studying the data discs from the shapeshifters he killed. And Walter determines that the way to communicate with William Bell's soul is through his, well, bell. He rings it and awaits Bell's return communication. While Peter and Olivia are talking, OLIVIA CHANNELS WILLIAM BELL!!!!!!!!! Holy crap - she's possessed by him! Anna Torv is officially playing her third character on this show!!!!!!!!!! She doing a full-blown impression of Spock! I love it!!!!

OMG - next week she's still possessed and Lincoln's over here!!!!!!!! I'm squeeing!! This show is so effed up!!!!

This Week's Code: EARTH.

10 March 2011

Top Chef All-Stars

It's finale time in the Bahamas. Richard's kid is due any day and he's naming her Embry Lotus. Oh good god.

Quickfire Challenge: Compete head-to-head with the winner of their respective seasons. Who the eff is Hosea? I totally don't remember him. OK, maybe I do. But I would never have named him among the winners. I watch too much damn television. Richard, Tiffany, and Mike win their competitions.

Elimination Challenge: Cook for Bahamian "royalty" (what turns out to be the King of Junkanoo - kind of like Caribbean Mardi Gras). While in the kitchen, one of the deep fryers catches fire and puts a hold on everything. Flaming oil will do that. And now all the food they were cooking is contaminated by fire extinguishers and what not. Gross. And also that sucks - the chefs have to start over.

Carla does pork and decides to cook it differently. Why does she always insist on going against what she knows!? It's raw in the middle. Nice. Now it's gonna be twice-cooked pork. Antonia makes fried shrimp and grits and it elicits Tom's Diss of the Day: "Howard Johnson called and wants their garnish back." Meow.

Mike makes chicken with a lobster hash; Tiffany makes pork and dirty rice. Doesn't she ALWAYS make pork and dirty rice? Richard does braised lamb.

Winner: Mike. Yeah, I think it's all him and Richard in the finale. Richard's safe too so it's all 3 chicks at the bottom. Women stink.

Bye-bye: Carla. Uncooked pork will do that to you. She always screws herself.

07 March 2011

The Event

So this show is back. Great. For 2 hours tonight. Greater.

The aliens launched a communications satellite to send a message into deep space. The government works to figure out what they said, because the satellite self-destructed right after. They've got the first line of the message: "Preparations are being made for your arrival." AWESOME! See, cuz I like this show in concept -- and when it's not about That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend. Have they died yet?

Sophia and Alien Asian Hottie are working to figure out where Thomas is so they can stop him from doing whatever the hell it is he's doing. Who knows. He's in Tibet, where they're working on some huge communications array.

Virginia Madsen has joined the cast as the meddling wife-now-Senator of a dead Senator from Alaska, who insists on sticking her nose into just what the hell is going on at that alien prison in her state. President Underwood puts her in her place and tells her to mind her business.

Bad news! That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend are alive, and still sorting through the burned case files that prove her dad's an alien. She just assumes it's all some vast Photoshop conspiracy. Some chick shows up and there's lots of horrible tough-guy acting. Putting your hand around a chick's throat doesn't make you Jack Bauer, Sean. Ass. The chick doesn't really tell them much, other than that Leila and her sister are special because their father doesn't age at a normal rate. Yeah, thanks - we get it - he's an alien. Also, her sister was taken away in a white van.

Leila's father, Michael, is freed from his prison transport van by Alien Asian Hottie. He's a bit of a pariah in the alien community, not just because he piloted the plane that nearly killed Sophia, but also because he was never supposed to have those dumb daughters of his.

That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend find that white van awfully quickly. What ensues is a laughably-poor-quality car chase/ramming. I've seen better car chases on old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard. It's 2011, bitches. They save Leila's sister and run. Awesome - now they have a kid dragging them down! Actually, they could probably use the brainpower....

As a condition for helping Sophia find Thomas, Michael insists on seeing his daughters, so they rendezvous in an oil field somewhere. Seriously. And Leila treats her dad like he's contagious. Newsflash, bitch - if he's an alien, so are you. Was he supposed to bring it up when you were in kindergarten or something? Die.

Thomas and Friends break into the Alaskan alien prison to free all of their pals. Director Sterling is there for a visit, so Thomas is excited to take his ass out. Sterling's good with a gun though, so he puts up a fight. He gets shot in the back/rib area, and eventually captured, but is still pretty badass. He even escapes after a good beating and another gunshot wound. And now he's in an Alaskan blizzard, bleeding everywhere. That can't be good.

Sophia and Sean are talking in a kitchen. Wait - did I fall asleep? How did this happen? She lets him know what's at stake - if Thomas is able to get all the aliens down to the Lower 48, the U.S. (if not the world) is going to be destroyed.

Leila's Alien Father tells her that the aliens are from a place called NGC253. "What am I?" Leila yells. Really, sweetie? You're a freak. Duhhhhh. He tells her they have to get out of here (wherever here is - still the oil field?) -- but that Sean can't come with them, cuz he knows too much already. Plus he's annoying.

Senator Madsen goes on Hardball to discuss the Alaskan prison. She takes calls during commercial breaks, and President Underwood calls her to get her to shut up. Really? She A) is taking calls on set and B) has a freaking microphone on while talking with the President. Add those together with Chris Matthews, and he should really be pushing harder to get at what this "secret government program" is. She gives him some political soundbite-speak answer.

Sean leaves while Leila's sleeping, I guess so she doesn't have to make the choice between his dumb ass and her father's dumb ass. Now he's off wandering around again, and Hal Holbrook wants to find him for some reason. Who the hell knows.


Top Chef All-Stars

No Dale. I can't go on.

Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish using ingredients from a snack bar - on a ferry to Ellis Island. Lots of nasty food ensues, especially Mike's bread soup. Carla wins for some sliced oranges, and catty "Sour Grapes" Richard is bitter. He's a sore loser.

Elimination Challenge: Create a dish based on your ancestry.

Mike made some amazing-looking gnocchi. Antonia made some amazing-looking veal and risotto. I'm all about the Italians at this point. Tiffany made short ribs, but then they were accompanied by pig's feet, so that killed it for me. Richard threw some fried bone marrow in with his meat, but it was all allegedly amazing. At that point, Carla's the only one left, and they've all hit it out of the park. But she makes braised pork shoulder, grits, and biscuits, so how can you go wrong? Damn, lots of good food tonight, and no clear mistakes.

Winner: Antonia. Then Mike is safe, then Richard. And then they keep Tiffany and Carla too. Of course they did. How convenient. They allegedly couldn't decide. Hey, you're gonna have to cut them at some point, why keep waiting? So it's 5 for the Finale in the Bahamas.


Why is this bitch sucking on a pacifier? X?

04 March 2011

The Adjustment Bureau

Jesus. Do actors get any more charismatic than Matt Damon? I mean, the man has such an easygoing humor about him - you just can't help but be charmed! In The Adjustment Bureau, he plays a character who is essentially Matt Damon running for Senate, so right away you love him.

The movie is about fate and chance and The Chairman/God who has a Plan for all of humankind. It doesn't get too deep about that stuff though - it deals with it more in a slick way, as an excuse for awesome foot chases and cool hats. I felt at times like they were holding back from the story because they thought the audience would be too dumb to really go with it. And they're probably right. But you can't go wrong with a good Matt Damon film where he gets to be a heroic and charming.

For sure, the movie is more romance than sci-fi -- more about the whole "meant to be together" thing and if it's worth the risk. But it's still very cool. The whole design of the movie is cool, like the way that the Adjustment Bureau's Observer-types navigate the NYC streets. Oh yes, and Anthony Mackie is in it. And Anthony Mackie just plain rules.

02 March 2011

Top Chef All-Stars

Quickfire Challenge: Create a deep-fried dish for Paula Deen. I'm pretty sure Paula just said she's deep-fried balls of butter before. I guess that doesn't shock me. Michael wins for a dish that Richard accuses him of plagiarizing from him. Whatever, Richard - don't show a fellow competitor your secret notebook and he can't steal from you. It's a competition.

Elimination Challenge: Make Gulf Coast seafood and Southern food for a fundraiser - and do it paired with a former contestant. Disappointingly, there's no good drama with the pairings. Damn.

Winner: Richard and his fish/pulled pork combination, which sounds gross but apparently wasn't.

Tiffany, Carla, and Dale are in the bottom and I'm sweating it out that Dale's a goner with his cruddy stew. How can he be so good one week and crappy the next? Damn this show!

Bye-bye: Dale. And that sound you just heard was a cry of agony. GODDAMMIT!!!!!