28 May 2010

Happy Memorial Day

Apropos of nothing, I really loved Parks & Recreation this year. Really loved it. So here are some songs to get stuck in your head over the long weekend.

First, Parks & Recreation as Friends.

And good luck watching the show and not singing this every time.

R.I.P. Gary Coleman

I guess God needed to know what Willis was talkin' 'bout. On another note - wow, he was 42!?

Gary Coleman died today after being taken off life support, according to RadarOnline: Coleman had been hospitalized in Provo, Utah since Wednesday, May 26, after suffering what his family called "a serious medical problem." As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Coleman had slipped into a coma and was on life support after suffering an intracranial hemorrhage, according to ABC News.

24 May 2010

24: Series Finale Finale

The press conference ends, and President Suvarov senses the Cold Shoulder he's getting from Pompadour's Wife. Taylor confirms his suspicions. Logan calls Suvarov and tells him they need to talk alone, in Logan's suite.

Chloe comes to, but even Chloe can't convince Jack to turn back now. Damn. Since he hasn't heard from Chloe in a while, Freddie Prinze, Jr. unleashes CTU on the building, telling them Jack is planning a good old-fashioned sniping.

Jack's frustrating me. Chloe's totally reasonable with him - um, hello, an assassination on American soil? Yeah, that'll go over well, dumbass - but Jack's still not having any of it. Then Chloe pulls out the "Renee wouldn't want this" card.

Logan quite hilariously just stands there awkwardly looking at Suvarov, waiting for Jack to pull the trigger, but Jack finally backs down. Logan's all, "Sorry for wasting your time." LOL.

So now the CTU team is coming in after Jack and JACK TELLS CHLOE TO SHOOT HIM!!! HOLY CRAP!!! THEY'RE KILLING ME!! He's got a gun on her and keeps yelling at her to pull the trigger. Finally, he puts his own gun at his temple, and that's when she shoots him. Hardcore stuff right there.

The medics work on Jack while Chloe heads out with the recording implicating Suvarov, but she's interrupted by Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together, nosing around looking for the recording. Dickwad makes Chloe empty her pockets, and I take this time to remind him that about an hour ago he was crying like a bitch. I hope she stashed this thing in her vagina, because Dickwad proceeds to give her the old patdown. "Hope you enjoyed yourself," she says when he's done. LOL! Turns out she just stashed it in her phone. Boring.

Dickwad finds out the shot didn't hurt any vital organs, and so figures out Chloe's helping Jack. Jack then proceeds to call Dickwad closer and... wait for it... BITES HIS MOTHERLOVING EAR OFF AND SPITS IT IN HIS FACE!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!! CTU Agent Do-Gooder gets to Chloe as she's uploading the data, and transmission is interrupted. Chloe and Jack are transported to CTU. No! Not CTU Medical!! That never ends well.

Logan - officially the Greatest Slimeball Character Ever Invented - gives Taylor the data card and tells her that Jack needs to be killed. If he's locked away, he'll find a way out, so it's time to take him out. Taylor gives her silent, tacit approval. SNAAAAAP! The data card doesn't have the recording though, it has Jack's video message, which is really more of a political diatribe/guilt trip. Taylor starts crying and Jack's message appears to be sinking in.

Dickwad walks into Logan's suite like he's the goddamn king -- with a massive bandage on his head. NICE EAR, FREAK!!! Asshole. They start gloating and celebrating, which can only mean they are GOING DOWN! Come on, Taylor, grow a damn conscience.

Secretary-General Soul Glo starts the signing ceremony. I start a chant of "Don't sign it" until it's finally Taylor's turn, and she reaches for the pen that was a gift from Pompadour. DON'T SIGN IT! She caps the pen, and doesn't sign the bitch. OH SNAAAAAAP!

President Taylor turns into President Tattletale and announces that there's been a conspiracy (she'll go into details later) and the peace process is over. She has her chief of staff call Jack's transport to tell them they're about to be ambushed. Taylor's shaking. It's awesome. She's gonna stroke out!!

It's too late, as Jack's transport has already been ambushed. Gas-masked men descend on him as he wriggles out of the ambulance.

Logan turns white and pink and white again as he watches the news. His phone rings and he wants to ignore it, knowing it's Taylor asking about Jack. LOGAN THEN KILLS DICKWAD!!!!!! KNOCKS HIM OVER THE HEAD, SHOOTS HIM, AND KILLS HIM!!!!!!!! OK, look, as usual with this show, this stuff is crazy and might not make sense, but is freaking awesome.

Logan then shoots himself in the turkey neck and I shriek. SHRIEK! Luckily, Logan is inept at EVERYTHING, including suicide. Medics think he'll live but may sustain brain damage.

Chloe pulls archived surveillance footage and watches as Jack is put into a black van. We're 6 minutes from the end and one of his captors makes Jack get onto his knees. Just as he's about to pull the trigger, President Taylor calls (she got through using a CTU drone and a microwave signal, OK, stop questioning these things) and orders him to release Jack or she'll release freaking hellfire missiles on them.

Taylor tells Jack she will confess everything, quit her job, and take responsibility for her actions. "If I had listened to you none of this would have happened." DRINK! She tells Jack to hit the bricks and get out of the country - the Russian and American governments will be gunning for him.

Jack calls Chloe and she promises to protect Kim and buy him some time. Thank you, Chloe, you're my soulmate, peace out.

See, this thing was definitely more exciting and crazy than sad. Holy crap, they packed a lot into these final 2 hours. And look - Jack's been through all of this before. He's been kidnapped by the Chinese, he's walked off into the sunrise, and he persevered. So he'll be just fine.

I thought for sure they'd do a silent clock at the end. That would have been cool.

See you in the movies, Jack Bauer. Do me a favor and bring Tony Almeida with you. Michael Madsen too.

24: Series Finale Part 1

I'm not expecting tonight's series finale to be as heartbreaking and emotional as last night's. I expect your standard 24 cliffhanger really. It's not going to be some grand, overarching ending, like Lost's sobfest. For Jack Bauer, this isn't the end of 8 years, it's just another ending to another day.

Eight seasons (EIGHT!?) and it comes down to this final 2 hours. Once again, let's do this thing.

We start with a little "thank you" from Kiefer Sutherland and I've gotta say, for a self-destructive alcoholic that man is nothing but class. He really loves that he got to do this show and is thankful it gave his career a reboot. He put a lot of damn hard work into this thing too. Oh great. I'm getting a creeper and the show hasn't started yet. We even get an "Events occur in real time" like the old days. Oy.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. arrives at Michael Madsen's house. MM has great security, of course, so he sees him coming. They have a standoff and Freddie convinces MM to help Jack - he tells Freddie that President Suvarov is the real Russian Bad Guy.

He and Chloe decide to try to stall Suvarov getting to the UN as much as possible while they look for Jack. After a brief product placement for Hyundai.

Jack listens as Charles Logan tells President Taylor about Jack's Russian Rampage... and the truth about Suvarov. She looks like she loses bowel function a couple times during that conversation, it's great.

Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together gets into his car, and Jack's in the back seat. The way he slid over slowly into the camera's view, with the music cue and everything -- I rewound that thing 3 times. Now it's Dickwad's turn to crap his pants, as he drives Jack to the UN. Once in the parking garage, Jack makes Dickwad sew up his knife wound. HOLY CRAP! Hardcore, man. Dickwad begs for his life, saying he has a little girl (which I could totally see being a lie by the way), and instead of shooting him, Jack just knocks him out real good.

President Pompadour's Wife lays the unintentional guilt on really thick, telling President Taylor how much these peace talks meant to the Pompadour. Are Presidents supposed to cry? Because Taylor is. WEAK! When Baby Pompadour tells her mom that the Russian government could be behind her dad's murder, The Wife goes to see President Taylor to let her know. Ha ha honey. She already knows. Taylor bald-faced LIES to this woman, telling her it was just a rumor, but that they investigated and it wasn't true. So much for that guilt. Bitch. When The Wife threatens to pull out of the signing, Taylor confesses that it's true. Oh OK then. Maybe the guilt worked. CATFIGHT!!!! (Shouldn't the Secret Service come in as soon as a voice is raised? I would think so.) The Wife is awesome, telling Taylor to F off, saying she's going to disclose everything. Taylor grows some cold-as-steel balls and blackmails The Wife into signing -- she says she'll tell everyone how people from her country were going to detonate a bomb in NYC (remember that) AND EVEN THREATENS THAT SHE'LL BE ABLE TO TAKE MILITARY ACTION AS RETALIATION!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! I'm screaming at the TV at this point, pausing so I can yell at this bitch. Finally Taylor isn't weak, but holy crap is she nasty. OK, she just woke me up. This is GOOD!

Jack loads up the Hardcore Jack Sack (the big, strapped-to-the-back kind, none of this Messenger Bag of Death nonsense) and heads inside one of the buildings to set up his little sniper situation. By which I mean his big sniper situation, overlooking the plaza where everyone will be speaking.

Security cameras catch Jack's reflection in a vending machine (surely he wasn't stopping for a snack), and Chloe sets out to find him. Meanwhile, Jack records a video message for Kim.

The Wife gives Taylor the Silent Treatment (BURN!), but shows up to greet Suvarov's motorcade and sign the damn treaty. Secretary-General Eriq La Salle (Just let your Soul Glo!) starts the press conference.

Chloe has excellent Jack Hunting Skills and finds him. He gives her the ol' Rear Naked Choke and gets back to sniping. He's aiming for Charles Logan, and calls him up, playing the audio evidence he has on Logan/the Russians. PWNED! He wants Logan to bring Suvarov out.

I'm doing this in 2 parts because there's so much damn stuff happening. Also of note: the CTU Dude That Always Has The Torture Drugs makes a quick appearance! Yay!

23 May 2010

Lost: The End

Six years and it comes down to this. Two-and-a-half hours. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Lost was a great show. Well, it started out great, lagged in the middle, and got good again. Might as well go out before it goes bad again, eh? It's ending tonight, and I'll definitely miss most of these characters (not you, Jack). Let's do this thing.

Off-Island: Jack's dad's body is delivered to the church by Oceanic, and Desmond is there to sign for it.

Hurley and Sayid pick up a drunk-ass Charlie for the concert. Charlie doesn't want to go, so Hurley totally tranqs him. Next, they make their way to a bar where Shannon and Boone are being accosted. When Sayid touches Shannon, they both have their flashbacks, and kiss. YAY SAYID AND SHANNON! I freaking loved them together. Boone was working with Hurley and arranged for Shannon to be there to meet Sayid. How. Effing. Sweet.

Sun is in the hospital recovering from her gunshot wound, and everything seems fine, even with the unborn baby. Juliet is her baby doctor so YAY JULIET! As Juliet is examining her, Sun has flashbacks to their time on the Island doing the same thing. Jin's flashbacks soon follow.

Jack begins operating on Locke. And it's revealed that Juliet is indeed Jack's son's mother. BOO! Juliet belongs with Sawyer. *pout* Jack doesn't deserve Juliet.

Backstage at the concert, Charlotte and Daniel meet up. YAY CHARLOTTE AND DANIEL! Then when he's on stage, Charlie sees Claire. YAY CHARLIE AND CLAIRE! OK, so there are quite a few couples on this show that I desperately love.

Claire goes into labor backstage, and Kate and Charlie are there to help (just like on the Island). It's at that point that Kate has her flashback to the Island. And it's at that point I gag at the sight of spoogy baby. Then Charlie and Claire have their flashbacks.

On the Island: Jack, the newly-Christened Protector of the Island, tells the crew that they have to travel to The Heart of the Island to protect it from Smokey. Desmond is with Rose and Bernard (and Vincent) in their happy little Retirement Camp. It's not happy for long though - Smokey and Ben walk in. I yell out, "Don't kill Rose" at this point. Smokey threatens to kill Rose and Bernard unless Desmond goes with him, and so Desmond does. Thank you, Desmond.

Miles is with Richard, who is alive after being thrown by Smokey. Richard has a gray hair, realizes he wants to live, and they set out to blow up the plane. As they row over to it, they come upon Frank in the water. YAY FRANK! Now instead of blowing up the plane, Frank plans on piloting them out on it.

The 2 teams meet up and Jack and Locke face off, with Jack telling Locke he's going to kill him once they're at the Heart of the Island. They all trek off, and once they get to a certain point, Locke says it should just be him, Jack, and Desmond the rest of the way. They arrive at the light cave thingy, and Desmond tells Jack about the Off-Island World, where they all survived and everyone is happy, and says that's where he'll go when he goes into the cave.

Desmond is lowered down into the cave, where there are a few skeletons and, well, a light. When he reaches the light, the electromagnetic forces start going through him, eventually the light goes out, and a big Island-is-being-destroyed earthquake starts. Jack and Locke start fighting, and Locke starts bleeding. I'm actually rooting for Jack at this point. They have an Epic Rain Battle on a cliff that ends with Locke stabbing Jack through the gut. Then Kate comes up behind and shoots Locke in the back, and Jack kicks him off the cliff.

At this point let's go Off-Island, where Jack's neck is bleeding again (bleeding like Jack on the Island, with Locke's knifepoint at his throat). Locke comes to after the surgery and says it worked, that he can feel his legs already. Sure enough, he starts moving his feet. At this point, Locke has his flashback. Jack has one flashback, but then dismisses it.

On the Island the quaking continues and Frank continues to try to get the plane working. Jack says he's staying behind to turn the light back on and save the Island, and Ben and Hurley stay with him. Kate and Jack say their goodbyes and confess their love, and if I cared about them as a couple, I'd be crying, but I don't so I don't.

Off-Island Sawyer comes to the hospital to check on Sun. Sun and Jin are happy to see him because dammit but he and Jin were BFFs!!! Sun is being discharged, and says, "We'll see you there."

As Sawyer's trying to get a candy bar out of the vending machine, Juliet walks in. I gasp happily. They have their flashbacks and make me the happiest person on Earth!!!!!!!!! OK, I could be crying now.

Jack heads to the concert and runs into - of course - Kate. She touches him, and he has some flashbacks, but doesn't fully understand (Jack is slow), so Kate tells him to come with her.

On the Island, Jack says he's going to sacrifice himself to turn the light back on, and tells Hurley that he's to be the real Protector. YAY HURLEY! They do the drinking ritual thing and now Hurley's the Protector. Jack gets to the bottom of the cave, finds Desmond, and sends Desmond back up to the surface. Jack moves the statue thing that gets the light thing back up and running.

Ben agrees to work as Hurley's second-in-command, taking care of the Island and figuring out a way to get Desmond home.

Frank gets the plane running. Kate and Sawyer collect Claire, make their way to the plane, and Frank flies them off the Island.

Off the Island, everyone ends up gathering at the church where Jack's dad's body is being held. Ben apologizes to Locke for all he did to him, and Locke forgives him. Locke walks into the church, but Ben says he's not going inside.

Kate and Jack arrive, and she tells him to come in when he's ready to leave. LEAVE WHAT!?

On the Island, Jack is on the surface now, alive, stumbling around.

Off the Island, Jack enters the church through the back. He sees his dad's coffin, and when he touches it he gets his full flashbacks. He opens the coffin and there's nothing inside. Instead, his dad is in the room and that's when we realize that Jack is dead now. Everyone in the church is dead, in fact. They all gathered to be together in the afterlife. They all reunite happily and I lose my shit, but in a happy way. If Lost does one thing well it's those end-of-episode slow-motion montages. Christ. AND PENNY'S THERE TOO!

On the Island, Jack dies, with Vincent at his side.

This thing was epic on so many levels, and a really fitting end to the show. Loads of stuff is still a mystery, but you also just get a happy ending for everyone. And that makes me happy. I didn't need this show to end all depressing. So it seems the Island-as-Purgatory theory was semi-accurate. And I'm a blubbering mess. Jesus. Great final episode.

22 May 2010

MacGruber: The Guy's a Freaking Genius

MacGruber is always one of my favorite skits on Saturday Night Live. Hell, sometimes it's the only thing that redeems an episode (aside from "What's Up With That?" - I love that too). But how do you turn a 90-second skit into a whole movie?

With lots of dick jokes. Dick and poop and pee and F words. And guess what - I think that stuff is funny. Will Forte cracks me up, and it was fun seeing MacGruber on the big screen, able to be as violent and vulgar as he wants to be. The movie is crude and absurd as hell, but it was definitely funny.


I was late watching this season finale, partly because I had an event the night it aired, and then partly because I was in denial and didn't want to watch it. I don't want it to end!!

Secretary Walternate gets word that Our Walter was admitted to a hospital. The 2 Olivias arrive at the hospital at the same time, but ours gets to him first, and they drive off with William Bell. Walter's all better, thanks to the accelerated healing techniques, THANK GOD!

Other Olivia sees herself on the security footage and is all WTF.

Walternate explains to Peter that Walter's actions caused far more rips in time and space on his side of the universe. Most of Boston is quarantined because of the dangers. Other Olivia comes over and Peter's all, I like your hair better. Peter loves bangs and dark hair. Noted.

Walter and Bell work together to rig up a "doorstop" that will hold the door between the worlds open for a bit. They travel to Walternate's lab at Harvard - the area around it has clearly been affected by The Blight. Walter rips my heart open, yelling at Bell for the brain surgery that caused his 17-year institutionalization. Poor Walter. (And for the 1700th time, please give John Noble a freaking Emmy.) But then the boys work together, using Walternate's technology.

Olivia, meanwhile, confronts Other Olivia. Wonder if they'll share hair tips! Olivia wants to see Peter. But first - EPIC GIRLFIGHT! Our Olivia wins, and proceeds to dye her hair to match Other Olivia's. Sweet -- they did share hair tips!

Peter, meanwhile, is working on Walter's weapon (which he doesn't know is a weapon), and discovers that it requires him to operate it. Olivia arrives and tells Peter about the whole being-used-to-destroy-our-world thing. Olivia tells him he belongs back in our world -- because they belong together. Oh snap! They kiss, and, well, Peter did say he liked that hairstyle better.

Peter, Olivia, Walter, and Bell meet up with the doorstop, but of course Other Fringe Division arrives right away. Now both Olivias look the same and I immediately freak out, knowing there HAS to be a mixup at some point. Bell offers to sacrifice himself so that the door can be opened. Peter, Walter, and Olivia go through it - but which Olivia? Because I guaran-effing-tee you that's the other one.

Sure enough, she visits the Freaky Other Worldly Typewriter and passes on a message to the Other Universe: "Infiltration achieved. Awaiting orders."

In the Other Universe, Walternate is keeping Our Olivia locked up in a cell. Motherlover.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He, Olivia, and Bell eat at KFC. And he's identified the herbs and spices, don't you know. Also, Astrid makes apple pie, because she cooks when she's nervous and Peter being gone stressed her out.

This Week's Code: WEISS. Now the advantage of watching the show late is that I can read a re-cap online and find out that that's the name of the Bowling Alley Dude who helped Olivia earlier this season. Plus that "A DEMONS TWIST RUSTS" was written on a chalkboard -- an anagram for "DON'T TRUST SAM WEISS". I love Kevin Corrigan, so I'm all for having that character back.

This show rules. The last half of the season in particular rocked hard. Love it and can't wait for a summertime massive re-watch.

18 May 2010


After last week's detour into the history of Jacob and the Man In Black, we're here, less than a week from the end. This show is killing me.

Off the Island

Jack wakes up and has some blood on his neck. Hasn't this happened before, where like Island Injuries come bleeding into the Off-Island World?

He has breakfast with his son and Claire, and you know what - his kid's mom better not be Juliet or I'll lose my S. Juliet belongs with Sawyer. Anyway, he gets a call from Oceanic Airlines that they've found his father's coffin - only it's really Desmond calling him.

Desmond shows up to Ben and Locke's school, tells Ben that he is trying to get Locke to "let go" and proceeds to beat the crap out of Ben. As he beats him up, Ben has Island Memories.

Then Desmond goes to the police station and turns himself in to Sawyer and Miles for the hit-and-run and assault. This is the point where I start freaking out in the hopes that Desmond will be trying to reunite Juliet and Sawyer. And then I start imagining Miles as the Best Man. For now, though, Desmond's just in holding -- along with Sayid and Kate. We're getting the band back together!!! As they're being transported from the station, Desmond tells them they can break out. The driver of the police vehicle is Ana-Lucia, who pulls over and lets them escape (Desmond pays her off with Hurley's money).

Desmond gives Kate a dress and tells her they're going to a concert, and sends Sayid off with Hurley.

Locke goes to see Jack because Jack had said the same thing Desmond did, about "letting go." He's wondering if all of this is happening for a reason, if it's destiny that Jack fix him. Locke's ready to try the surgery.

On the Island

Kate, Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer want Locke dead for killing Sayid, Jin, and Sun. I agree. It's totally crappy that Locke didn't kill Jack instead. They set off to get Desmond out of the well, and Sawyer's all torn up from guilt. It's official - this show is all about Sawyer for me.

Hurley gets a jungle visit from the kid again - it's young Jacob, who turns into adult Jacob. Jacob says that he'll explain to the group why everyone has died, and that he'll tell them everything about protecting the Island - because one of them has to take over tonight.

Meanwhile, Team Awesome - Ben, Miles, and Richard - walk their awesome asses through the jungle to get some C-4 Ben had hidden so they can blow the plane to hell and prevent Locke from escaping. Widmore is there to greet them, and tells them he has already rigged the plane with explosives. Locke's on his way over and Richard volunteers to talk to him, maybe try to get him to leave with him and save everyone else.

Smokey shows up and takes out Richard, then Smokey Locke walks over to Ben. Locke needs Ben to kill a few people for him, and Ben agrees, quickly turning over Widmore and Liz Lemon. Locke slashes Liz Lemon's throat and tells Widmore that he's getting off the Island and the first thing he's going to do is kill Penny. Widmore whispers something to Locke, but then Ben shoots him dead. Damn, and here I was hoping Ben was setting a trap for Locke but it seems like he's totally on board with being his assassin. Locke's ready to find Desmond and make him destroy the Island with him.

Meanwhile, around the campfire, Jacob tells the group that he chose them because they were flawed and weren't happy in their lives. So he brought them here to be candidates to protect the Island. Once Kate became a mother caring for Aaron, Jacob had crossed her name from the list of candidates. He tasks them with choosing who will be the Protector, with the job of protecting the light at the center of the Island, and killing Smokey Locke. Jack volunteers. Of course he does. Jack wants to fix everything at all times.

Jacob does the whole cup ritual that his mother had done with him last episode, and passes on responsibility for the Island to Jack.


I'm just back from a quick trip to New York which, unfortunately, did not involve a tour of CTU: NY. I didn't see Jack Bauer anywhere, but I did go past the United Nations, and I was always on alert for Russians.

We open with Charles Logan getting his props at the press conference. That's a happy man right there; gotta love it. But once he finds out that Jack gutted the Russian, the panic sets in - he's coming for you next, Charles Logan!!

Logan tells President Taylor that Jack still has the evidence - and a blond journalist to give it to - and now it's President Dumbass's turn to panic. Logan tells her to cover that S up before she gets criminally prosecuted. He doesn't have pity for her, telling her every decision was hers and he just did what she wanted. Yeah, bitch, he's going to throw you under the bus and then back it over you. President Taylor orders a raid on the Blond Journalist's office to seize any evidence she has. Really? Is this Communist China? You can do that? I guess so, because they say her evidence is a national security risk. Blond Journalist has some balls - she calls Hassan's family to tell them about the Russian conspiracy. Ballsy, considering she was The Other Woman just a few hours ago. The FBI tracks her down just as she tells Hassan's daughter vague things about the Russians and advises her against signing the peace accord.

Jack has Michael Madsen trace Logan's phone number from the undigested SIM card, and uploads Logan's route to Jack's phone. Then Jack cuts MM loose, telling him to start erasing all ties. Too bad that was after Chloe figured out (somehow, and quickly) that MM is the guy helping Jack. Then Jack gets into full freaking armored riot gear and launches an assault on Logan's caravan. Logan can tells it's Jack and quite hilariously freaks out for the 100th time tonight.

Jesus, Jack is relentless. It's like a horror movie. Um, there's really no coming back from just outright murdering a former President, no matter how slimy he may be. Eventually, Logan is forced out of the car with tear gas. Hell, it was probably mustard gas the way Jack is acting.

Logan caves quickly, saying, "I'm not the bad guy here!" He sells out Novakovich super-fast. Singing like a canary, that Logan. Jack gives Logan the ol' Rear Naked Choke and takes off. He mows down a bunch of Russians making his way to Novakovich, but gets stabbed a little. You've been stabbed worse, Jack. Jack brutally takes out everyone, including Novakovich (with a fireplace poker through the gut).

Chloe pulls Freddie Prinze, Jr. out of holding and tasks him with tracking down Michael Madsen and finding out where Jack is.

Logan calls the Russian President and tells him about the Russian Massacre. Turns out the Russian President is the real baddie and Logan ratted out Novakovich to protect him. Luckily, Jack planted a bug on Logan and heard everything. Unluckily, Jack continues bleeding all over the streets of NYC.

At this point, I just don't see how this can end well. I really don't care about the Russian President being the Big Bad. At any rate, Jack sure has done a lot of cold-blooded rampaging -- how does he justify all of that? How can he get away with it? Oy.

13 May 2010


I'm so ready to have my mind blown with the first part of the Fringe finale. Let's begin.

Charlie's alive in the other universe. Oh hell yes! There's a whole badass, military Fringe Division in the Department of Defense and everyone looks HELLA BADASSSSSSSSS! There's too much to look at - Nixon on the quarter, crazy technology - I'm on overload and I can't see it all!!! And our Walter and Olivia are there watching the Other Olivia and team work! What?

The opening credits are different too - in keeping with that Bizarro Fringe theme. I freaking love it.

36 Hours Earlier....

Walter sees a tape of Peter leaving with Walternate (convenient surveillance camera? I don't know). He remembers that he was warned not to let Peter return to The Other Universe -- or else Peter will be responsible for the End of the World. So Olivia and Walter are on a mission to get Peter back and prevent a Bigass Other Universe Weapon from being unleashed.

Olivia has the ability to crossover, with the help of her fellow Cortexifan Kids. And it just so happens Massive Dynamic/The Government has rounded up the last 3 Cortexifan Kids like Professor Xavier and The X-Men, and they're working on harnessing their powers. OH SNAP this just turned into a superhero show! WOOHOO!

But before they save the world(s), the Cortexifan Kids get the night off. One dude goes around healing people while the other 2 have telepathically-enhanced sex. They're about to face a Bigass Other Universe Weapon - they deserve it.

They pass through to the Other Universe, but The Healer doesn't survive the jump. Other Olivia finds a $20 on his body, but it has Jackson on it, not Martin Luther King, Jr., like theirs. The team goes to visit Secretary of Defense Walternate with their odd findings (the DoD is housed in the shiny, bronze Statue of Liberty). They provide us with some backstory -- ever since 1985 there have been rips in the universe. I get the feeling crap has been slipping through, there's radiation, weird occurrences, etc., and that's what Fringe Division takes care of.

Peter wakes up (after having been asleep for 3 days) and has breakfast with his Mommy. I want to die at this point. And not just because Peter says, "I love bacon." YAY PETER AND MOMMY REUNION!!!! Mommy gives Peter something Walternate left for him to review - the plans for the Bigass Other Universe Weapon.

Olivia, Walter, Fire Chick, and Telepathy Dude make their way through Other-NYC to try to meet William Bell, and Fire Chick isn't feeling too perky. She's pretty much overheating and doomed to die. Unfortunately, Fringe Division shows up and busts up their party, Telepathy Dude is shot and killed, and Fire Chick dies when she tries to take out one of the Fringe Division. (She doesn't kill him because in this world you can be healed when you have third-degree burns over 90% of your body. Lucky dude.)

Walter and Olivia are separated and wander the streets. Olivia spies on Other Olivia, and William Bell shows up there too. He tells her Walter is in trouble and there isn't much time. But which one?

It turns out Walter was shot too and I want to die. He makes his way to a hospital and then passes out. Meanwhile, Walternate walks into a room that holds the almost-finished Bigass Other Universe Weapon. To be continued.

I'm about to blow your mind, OK? WHAT IF NEXT WEEK, WHEN THE TWO UNIVERSES ARE FIGHTING AND ONLY ONE SURVIVES, IT'S THE OTHER UNIVERSE THAT SURVIVES? And then next season would take place in the Other Universe. Just sayin'. I wouldn't be against it. Cuz Charlie's there.

This Week's Code: WEAPON.

11 May 2010

Lost: All About Jacob

A pregnant chick washes up on The Island, and is saved by Allison Janney. The woman delivers a boy, and his name is Jacob. Then she delivers a second boy, who disappointingly does not come out in a puff of black smoke. After the second kid is born, Allison Janney clubs the chick to death. Did the Bad Baby make her do it?

Next they're 13 years old, playing a game on the beach and chasing down a boar. That's when they discover that there are other inhabitants on the island, and they tell Mama. Mama tells them that they are the only ones who belong on The Island, that they're here for a reason. She also says she's made it so they can never hurt each other. She leads them to a tunnel thing with a warm, bright light coming out of it. She says there's a little of that light in every person, and if this light goes out, it goes out everywhere, and it's their job to protect it. Ugh. Sacred light? Really?

The Dark Kid (he hasn't been named yet, because I guess they want to pull a Cosmo Kramer and have his name be a big reveal) is visited by a vision of his real mother, who tells him who she is, that the other people are part of the ship she wrecked on, and that there is indeed a world outside of The Island.

Dark Kid leaves Allison Janney and Jacob to join the others, but Goody Two-Shoes Jacob won't go.

Next they're the adults we know, and Jacob sneaks away to meet with The Man In Black from time to time. MIB says that the others are indeed manipulative, flawed people, but that he's using them to get off The Island.

Jacob tells Allison Janney that MIB wants off The Island, and she goes to see him. He shows her that he has found that light source she showed him as a child - and he's creating a system that will channel the light, and by turning a wheel he'll be able to get off The Island. That's kind of a major leap.

Then Allison Janney kills MIB by smashing his head into the wall. She takes Jacob back to the Light Tunnel, tells him it's the source of life, and then tells him he can never seek it out - or something worse than death will happen. She anoints him as the protector of The Island.

OK, but MIB isn't dead because he wakes up in the middle of the forest to find that his camp has been destroyed, and all of his people killed. He, in turn, shows up at Allison Janney's camp and stabs her dead.

Jacob finds them and beats the crap out of MIB (he can't kill him, you'll recall). He takes MIB to the Light Tunnel and throws him into it. The ground starts to shake and black smoke erupts from the tunnel. Eh sure, why not, that makes about as much sense as any other explanation for how a person became a Smoke Monster.

And then we find out that MIB and Allison Janney are the 2 bodies that Jack and Kate found way way way back in Season 1 or whatever. I don't care. Jacob is a sullen twat with an inferiority complex. I don't care about Jacob. You know what I care about? Sawyer and Juliet being together. Miles and Ben. That's who I care about.

10 May 2010


Michael Madsen's back! Jack sends him the video file of Dana/Russian Assassin that proves the Russians are behind Hassan's assassination, so that MM can identify the Russian. Then Jack calls that Blond Journalist from hours ago, the one who was banging Hassan, gives her the scoop and offers to meet her with the evidence.

Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together thinks he's so awesome, but Freddie Prinze, Jr. is all, "I know the truth. You're part of the conspiracy. Go to hell." Except he didn't say "go to hell" but he really should have. I hope someone strangles Dickwad before the day is out, and I hope it's Freddie.

Dickwad and Logan pick up the phone conversation between Jack and Blond Journalist and plan to send Assassin to take care of it. So that guy gets a second chance to try to kill Jack Bauer. Chloe sees Dickwad acting sneaky and jumps to (the correct) conclusions.

Logan wants public recognition in the peace process. Of course he does. President Taylor says her press secretary will announce something in time for the 1:00 news. 1:00 news? Who the hell has 1:00 news?

Jack's loose in a Macy's, because... that's where you meet for coffee and conspiracy discussion? Assassin is about to take his shot, and then Michael Madsen swoops in and nabs the Assassin. OH HELL YES! See, he's totally the new Tony. What I wouldn't give to have MM and Tony together in a better season.

Gunfire ensues at the Macy's. Thousands of dollars in clothes are spattered in blood. Jack, Blond Journalist, MM, and the Assassin get away. Someone's going to get tortured in the overstock room!!!!

Dickwad tells Logan he needs to distance himself from the situation, and then President Taylor will take the blame for everything. But Logan wants his public praise, dammit, and isn't prepared to do that. That's my selfish boy!

Chloe goes through Jack's known associates, trying to figure out who's helping him. As if Jack doesn't have half a million known associates at this point in his life.

Jack's version of torture is more like an ass-whooping, as Jack wails on the dude. There's not much talking, just lots of punching, stabbing, and some kind of liquid sprayed into an open wound (acid? lighter fluid?). AND THEN COMES THE BLOWTORCH. Oh holy hell, Jack, you're just having too much fun now. When Jack figures out that the Assassin swallowed his phone's SIM card, the torture ends - because Jack digs through the guy's guts to get it. A bloody SIM card still works and Jack calls the number of the last person to call Assassin - it's Dickwad's voice from "the office of President Charles Logan" You're next, Charles Logan!!! OH SNAP!

09 May 2010

Rose Nylund Pwns

Betty White hosted Saturday Night Live and it was probably the best of the season. If you go to Hulu, they have a few unaired sketches that are good too. Imagine that - there was actually too much good stuff on SNL!

The MacGruber sketches were their usual awesome.

God bless you, Betty White!

08 May 2010

Iron Man 2 Was Awesome

I was a little worried going in to Iron Man 2, because I had heard a couple bad reviews. But I gotta say, this was nothing like Transformers 2. I loved it! I was really happy with it, and don't see what the problem was. There were probably more fight scenes and explosions than the first one, but that's because you don't have to go into the whole development of Iron Man. You just start out with the action. The scenes were all exciting and well-done - it's not like they were too long. I liked all the new characters too - Mickey Rourke was great, he wasn't too hammy or anything. I thought he was perfect and the character was cool. Sam Rockwell plays the slimy Tony Stark wannabe and he was great too -- my favorite touch was that he had orange palms. You know, like the guy wants to be all slick and self-tanned, but doesn't apply it properly and ends up with orange hands. That was a little detail that amused me. Scarlett Johansson gets to kick some major ass at one point while looking hot doing it. Even Gwyneth Paltrow is less annoying!

You totally get what you pay for - action done in that wry, funny Iron Man-style - and Robert Downey, Jr. is fabulously perfect, as always.

06 May 2010

Fringe: All About The Pacey

Freak of the Week: A diner waitress in Washington State flirts with Peter and then is kidnapped when she leaves work. Kidnapped and has some nasty brain surgery stuff happen to her. Poor girl. Note to self: never flirt with Pacey. Nah, it'd be worth the brain surgery. Maybe not worth the death though, as our young waitress's body is found near the river the next day.

Martha Plimpton is the small-town sheriff. Hey! She used to be famous! Peter sees Newton at the scene and knows that part of the girl's brain is missing. Newton was using the information she had about Peter to locate him.

Peter does what he has to do - visits a gun shop in the middle of the night and goes all Tarantino-action-hero in a motel room. It's awesome. This episode also has shades of Fargo - Martha's a pretty kickass small-town cop. She and Peter make a nice team, and I thoroughly enjoyed their investigation.

Meanwhile, Walter's a mess. His house is a mess and he doesn't have food in the fridge and he's losing his mind. Um, Olivia, Astrid... he's crazy - can one of you please move in with him and take care of him? Olivia finds out where Peter is, and asks Walter to fly there with him. My heart hurts with anticipation.

It turns out that the waitress was just killed by a crazy dude on a milk farm. So all of Peter's sightings of and calls from Newton were all in his head. Or were they? Because at the end, in his hotel room, Peter is visited by Newton. And "the Secretary" -- the guy who walked over the bridge from the Other Universe. And that Secretary is just who we thought he was - WALTERNATE! "Hello, son." OH CHRIST!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He rants in a grocery store about the harm caused by chemicals in off-brand Pop Tarts. Mmmmmm. Off-brand Pop Tarts. He also mentions a need for Pudding Pops which, while awesome, I haven't been able to find in years. And I have tried. It looked like Astrid got him fudgesicles.

This Week's Code: RETURN.

Next week we get to see the Other Universe - which involves Broyles in a tight black tee shirt and Olivia with dark hair and bangs. I'm all in. ALL IN.

04 May 2010


We open Off-Island, with Locke regaining consciousness post-surgery (after being hit by Desmond's car). Jack tells him he's a candidate for a new procedure to cure his paralysis, but Locke's not interested.

Jack visits Locke's dentist (Bernard) to get the details on Locke's paralysis. Wait - from his dentist? I missed something, surely. Anyway, Bernard tells Jack that Locke was involved in an accident with another man, Anthony Cooper.

Jack tracks Anthony (Locke's father) down to a nursing home where he's a drooling vegetable. Jesus, Jack can never leave well enough alone. Locke's accident was a plane crash - it was Locke's first flight as a newly-trained pilot. Jack's busy-body fix-everything ass wants Locke to let go of the guilt and get himself fixed instead of letting himself suffer like his father is. Locke still ain't buying it.

On the Island, Widmore's guys locks the Losties up in cages and set up the anti-Smokey perimeter. The power to the perimeter is cut, and then Smokey and Jack let everyone out of the cages.

They all head to the crashed plane. Locke finds a bomb on board and claims that Widmore planted it there - he wanted to lure everyone onto the plane and then kill them. This means everyone has to take the submarine to get off the Island.

I really love everyone all working on the same team, sneaking out to the dock to hijack the sub. There's a shootout, Kate is shot, and Jack pushes Locke into the water. Everyone but Claire and Locke make it on the sub. As Jack starts to work on Kate's bullet wound, he finds a bomb inside his backpack, a bomb with less than 4 minutes on the timer. Time to go back up to the surface.

Jack tells everyone it'll be OK - Locke can't kill them, that he's not allowed to, and instead he's trying to get them to kill each other. Huh? Sawyer doesn't buy it and tries to disarm the bomb, but it doesn't work. Sayid tells Jack where to find Desmond then runs away with the bomb, sacrificing himself. R.I.P. Sayid. Again. Hey, at least the bomb didn't rip a hole in the sub. Oh wait, it did. It also looks like it killed Frank, which makes me bitter. R.I.P. Frank.

As they're all trying to escape, Sawyer is hit over the head with something and Sun is pinned against the wall. Jack takes Sawyer out, and Jin stays behind with Sun. Jesus Christ, are they going to kill everyone tonight!? R.I.P. Jin and Sun. THIS SUCKS!

At least we get a glimpse of Off-Island Jin in the hospital at the end, visiting Sun.

Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Sawyer meet up on the beach and they're all pretty torn up, especially Jack. Tragically, Jack does not commit suicide in his despair. Locke knows they're not all dead, and heads off to finish what he started.

Hey, I got a question. Where's Miles!? Did he die and I blocked it out?

03 May 2010


Starbuck's still being waterboarded, Mrs. Pompadour is still yammering on and on, and Logan is still conspiring to have Starbuck killed once she gives up information. Can I just say waterboarding looks quite awful and I feel like I'm suffocating just watching it from the couch?

Meanwhile, Jack and Freddie Prinze, Jr. work together to rescue Starbuck, sneaking over rooftops, and I kind of wish Jack and Freddie had been working together all season long, not just at the end. Jack gets in a nice kill shot - R.I.P. to D.B. Sweeney - and they nab Starbuck.

The manly Freddie-Jack face-off just makes me miss Tony more. They had some hot face-offs. Starbuck takes them to a safety deposit box containing a video file that will implicate the Russians.

Shout-out to the hysterical bit where Logan and President Taylor are talking on the phone -- and she's like, "Do you have me on speaker!?" Also the bit where she hangs up on him and he is clearly offended but continues the conversation so his aide doesn't know. Love him! Anyway, Logan recommends putting his aide in charge of the Bauer manhunt, because he has FBI experience or something - and he's a good shot, what with his eyes being too close together and all.

When Freddie and Starbuck open the safety deposit box, she has gone all Jason Bourne and planted a flash-bang grenade type thing in advance. He's unconscious, she kills the banker, and takes the contents of the box and runs. But first she calls 911 and sends them Jack's way. That's OK - he shoots a cop in the foot and catches up to Starbuck eventually.

And he shoots her dead once she gives up the video file. R.I.P. Starbuck - you could have been way more awesome on this show. Hey, I wonder if they'll ever find that dead guy you shoved into the wall? That'll be fun.

The best part of the show is definitely that the Asian Dude at CTU's last name is Rosenthal. That made me LOL.


Walter goes on a pot-fueled labeling spree of the lab, and Olivia drops her niece off to be babysat. Olivia sure is smart! Luckily, Astrid is there too. Walter starts telling the girl an old-fashioned detective story, and that's how we get to our film-noir-musical setup. It actually turns out a little more like Glee mixed with Fringe as people burst into quick bursts of pop songs.

Olivia is a private detective, and she looks awesome! Rachel asks her to find her missing boyfriend, Peter. Later, Rachel is killed. (Only Walter would kill a kid's mother in a story he's telling that kid.) Broyles is Olivia's police detective pal - and he's as smooth a singer as you'd think.

Walter is a mad inventor - kind of a cross between the real him and Willy Wonka. He solidifies that idea by showing Olivia one of his projects - corpses who sing "The Candy Man." Anyway, the whole thing is a lovely little parallel of the Walter/Peter situation - stolen hearts, well-intentioned Walter.

And Pacey looked extra-good in his period clothes. *SWOON* I love that so much of this was 40s and yet there was a computer at Massive Dynamic. An olde tyme phone and a flat-screen computer. And Olivia had a cool-looking cell phone. They pulled the episode off well - it was fun, and wasn't 100% a musical, really there was barely any singing in it. It was more about the atmosphere.

Walter's Food of the Week: Besides his Brown Betty weed? Well, he eats tortilla chips and later Twizzlers (for the 100th time). But Brown Betty looked more fun.

This Week's Code: HEART. Well, of course.