24: Series Finale Part 1

I'm not expecting tonight's series finale to be as heartbreaking and emotional as last night's. I expect your standard 24 cliffhanger really. It's not going to be some grand, overarching ending, like Lost's sobfest. For Jack Bauer, this isn't the end of 8 years, it's just another ending to another day.

Eight seasons (EIGHT!?) and it comes down to this final 2 hours. Once again, let's do this thing.

We start with a little "thank you" from Kiefer Sutherland and I've gotta say, for a self-destructive alcoholic that man is nothing but class. He really loves that he got to do this show and is thankful it gave his career a reboot. He put a lot of damn hard work into this thing too. Oh great. I'm getting a creeper and the show hasn't started yet. We even get an "Events occur in real time" like the old days. Oy.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. arrives at Michael Madsen's house. MM has great security, of course, so he sees him coming. They have a standoff and Freddie convinces MM to help Jack - he tells Freddie that President Suvarov is the real Russian Bad Guy.

He and Chloe decide to try to stall Suvarov getting to the UN as much as possible while they look for Jack. After a brief product placement for Hyundai.

Jack listens as Charles Logan tells President Taylor about Jack's Russian Rampage... and the truth about Suvarov. She looks like she loses bowel function a couple times during that conversation, it's great.

Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together gets into his car, and Jack's in the back seat. The way he slid over slowly into the camera's view, with the music cue and everything -- I rewound that thing 3 times. Now it's Dickwad's turn to crap his pants, as he drives Jack to the UN. Once in the parking garage, Jack makes Dickwad sew up his knife wound. HOLY CRAP! Hardcore, man. Dickwad begs for his life, saying he has a little girl (which I could totally see being a lie by the way), and instead of shooting him, Jack just knocks him out real good.

President Pompadour's Wife lays the unintentional guilt on really thick, telling President Taylor how much these peace talks meant to the Pompadour. Are Presidents supposed to cry? Because Taylor is. WEAK! When Baby Pompadour tells her mom that the Russian government could be behind her dad's murder, The Wife goes to see President Taylor to let her know. Ha ha honey. She already knows. Taylor bald-faced LIES to this woman, telling her it was just a rumor, but that they investigated and it wasn't true. So much for that guilt. Bitch. When The Wife threatens to pull out of the signing, Taylor confesses that it's true. Oh OK then. Maybe the guilt worked. CATFIGHT!!!! (Shouldn't the Secret Service come in as soon as a voice is raised? I would think so.) The Wife is awesome, telling Taylor to F off, saying she's going to disclose everything. Taylor grows some cold-as-steel balls and blackmails The Wife into signing -- she says she'll tell everyone how people from her country were going to detonate a bomb in NYC (remember that) AND EVEN THREATENS THAT SHE'LL BE ABLE TO TAKE MILITARY ACTION AS RETALIATION!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! I'm screaming at the TV at this point, pausing so I can yell at this bitch. Finally Taylor isn't weak, but holy crap is she nasty. OK, she just woke me up. This is GOOD!

Jack loads up the Hardcore Jack Sack (the big, strapped-to-the-back kind, none of this Messenger Bag of Death nonsense) and heads inside one of the buildings to set up his little sniper situation. By which I mean his big sniper situation, overlooking the plaza where everyone will be speaking.

Security cameras catch Jack's reflection in a vending machine (surely he wasn't stopping for a snack), and Chloe sets out to find him. Meanwhile, Jack records a video message for Kim.

The Wife gives Taylor the Silent Treatment (BURN!), but shows up to greet Suvarov's motorcade and sign the damn treaty. Secretary-General Eriq La Salle (Just let your Soul Glo!) starts the press conference.

Chloe has excellent Jack Hunting Skills and finds him. He gives her the ol' Rear Naked Choke and gets back to sniping. He's aiming for Charles Logan, and calls him up, playing the audio evidence he has on Logan/the Russians. PWNED! He wants Logan to bring Suvarov out.

I'm doing this in 2 parts because there's so much damn stuff happening. Also of note: the CTU Dude That Always Has The Torture Drugs makes a quick appearance! Yay!