Lost: All About Jacob

A pregnant chick washes up on The Island, and is saved by Allison Janney. The woman delivers a boy, and his name is Jacob. Then she delivers a second boy, who disappointingly does not come out in a puff of black smoke. After the second kid is born, Allison Janney clubs the chick to death. Did the Bad Baby make her do it?

Next they're 13 years old, playing a game on the beach and chasing down a boar. That's when they discover that there are other inhabitants on the island, and they tell Mama. Mama tells them that they are the only ones who belong on The Island, that they're here for a reason. She also says she's made it so they can never hurt each other. She leads them to a tunnel thing with a warm, bright light coming out of it. She says there's a little of that light in every person, and if this light goes out, it goes out everywhere, and it's their job to protect it. Ugh. Sacred light? Really?

The Dark Kid (he hasn't been named yet, because I guess they want to pull a Cosmo Kramer and have his name be a big reveal) is visited by a vision of his real mother, who tells him who she is, that the other people are part of the ship she wrecked on, and that there is indeed a world outside of The Island.

Dark Kid leaves Allison Janney and Jacob to join the others, but Goody Two-Shoes Jacob won't go.

Next they're the adults we know, and Jacob sneaks away to meet with The Man In Black from time to time. MIB says that the others are indeed manipulative, flawed people, but that he's using them to get off The Island.

Jacob tells Allison Janney that MIB wants off The Island, and she goes to see him. He shows her that he has found that light source she showed him as a child - and he's creating a system that will channel the light, and by turning a wheel he'll be able to get off The Island. That's kind of a major leap.

Then Allison Janney kills MIB by smashing his head into the wall. She takes Jacob back to the Light Tunnel, tells him it's the source of life, and then tells him he can never seek it out - or something worse than death will happen. She anoints him as the protector of The Island.

OK, but MIB isn't dead because he wakes up in the middle of the forest to find that his camp has been destroyed, and all of his people killed. He, in turn, shows up at Allison Janney's camp and stabs her dead.

Jacob finds them and beats the crap out of MIB (he can't kill him, you'll recall). He takes MIB to the Light Tunnel and throws him into it. The ground starts to shake and black smoke erupts from the tunnel. Eh sure, why not, that makes about as much sense as any other explanation for how a person became a Smoke Monster.

And then we find out that MIB and Allison Janney are the 2 bodies that Jack and Kate found way way way back in Season 1 or whatever. I don't care. Jacob is a sullen twat with an inferiority complex. I don't care about Jacob. You know what I care about? Sawyer and Juliet being together. Miles and Ben. That's who I care about.