The press conference ends, and President Suvarov senses the Cold Shoulder he's getting from Pompadour's Wife. Taylor confirms his suspicions. Logan calls Suvarov and tells him they need to talk alone, in Logan's suite.
Chloe comes to, but even Chloe can't convince Jack to turn back now. Damn. Since he hasn't heard from Chloe in a while, Freddie Prinze, Jr. unleashes CTU on the building, telling them Jack is planning a good old-fashioned sniping.
Jack's frustrating me. Chloe's totally reasonable with him - um, hello, an assassination on American soil? Yeah, that'll go over well, dumbass - but Jack's still not having any of it. Then Chloe pulls out the "Renee wouldn't want this" card.
Logan quite hilariously just stands there awkwardly looking at Suvarov, waiting for Jack to pull the trigger, but Jack finally backs down. Logan's all, "Sorry for wasting your time." LOL.
So now the CTU team is coming in after Jack and JACK TELLS CHLOE TO SHOOT HIM!!! HOLY CRAP!!! THEY'RE KILLING ME!! He's got a gun on her and keeps yelling at her to pull the trigger. Finally, he puts his own gun at his temple, and that's when she shoots him. Hardcore stuff right there.
The medics work on Jack while Chloe heads out with the recording implicating Suvarov, but she's interrupted by Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together, nosing around looking for the recording. Dickwad makes Chloe empty her pockets, and I take this time to remind him that about an hour ago he was crying like a bitch. I hope she stashed this thing in her vagina, because Dickwad proceeds to give her the old patdown. "Hope you enjoyed yourself," she says when he's done. LOL! Turns out she just stashed it in her phone. Boring.
Dickwad finds out the shot didn't hurt any vital organs, and so figures out Chloe's helping Jack. Jack then proceeds to call Dickwad closer and... wait for it... BITES HIS MOTHERLOVING EAR OFF AND SPITS IT IN HIS FACE!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!! CTU Agent Do-Gooder gets to Chloe as she's uploading the data, and transmission is interrupted. Chloe and Jack are transported to CTU. No! Not CTU Medical!! That never ends well.
Logan - officially the Greatest Slimeball Character Ever Invented - gives Taylor the data card and tells her that Jack needs to be killed. If he's locked away, he'll find a way out, so it's time to take him out. Taylor gives her silent, tacit approval. SNAAAAAP! The data card doesn't have the recording though, it has Jack's video message, which is really more of a political diatribe/guilt trip. Taylor starts crying and Jack's message appears to be sinking in.
Dickwad walks into Logan's suite like he's the goddamn king -- with a massive bandage on his head. NICE EAR, FREAK!!! Asshole. They start gloating and celebrating, which can only mean they are GOING DOWN! Come on, Taylor, grow a damn conscience.
Secretary-General Soul Glo starts the signing ceremony. I start a chant of "Don't sign it" until it's finally Taylor's turn, and she reaches for the pen that was a gift from Pompadour. DON'T SIGN IT! She caps the pen, and doesn't sign the bitch. OH SNAAAAAAP!
President Taylor turns into President Tattletale and announces that there's been a conspiracy (she'll go into details later) and the peace process is over. She has her chief of staff call Jack's transport to tell them they're about to be ambushed. Taylor's shaking. It's awesome. She's gonna stroke out!!
It's too late, as Jack's transport has already been ambushed. Gas-masked men descend on him as he wriggles out of the ambulance.
Logan turns white and pink and white again as he watches the news. His phone rings and he wants to ignore it, knowing it's Taylor asking about Jack. LOGAN THEN KILLS DICKWAD!!!!!! KNOCKS HIM OVER THE HEAD, SHOOTS HIM, AND KILLS HIM!!!!!!!! OK, look, as usual with this show, this stuff is crazy and might not make sense, but is freaking awesome.
Logan then shoots himself in the turkey neck and I shriek. SHRIEK! Luckily, Logan is inept at EVERYTHING, including suicide. Medics think he'll live but may sustain brain damage.
Chloe pulls archived surveillance footage and watches as Jack is put into a black van. We're 6 minutes from the end and one of his captors makes Jack get onto his knees. Just as he's about to pull the trigger, President Taylor calls (she got through using a CTU drone and a microwave signal, OK, stop questioning these things) and orders him to release Jack or she'll release freaking hellfire missiles on them.
Taylor tells Jack she will confess everything, quit her job, and take responsibility for her actions. "If I had listened to you none of this would have happened." DRINK! She tells Jack to hit the bricks and get out of the country - the Russian and American governments will be gunning for him.
Jack calls Chloe and she promises to protect Kim and buy him some time. Thank you, Chloe, you're my soulmate, peace out.
See, this thing was definitely more exciting and crazy than sad. Holy crap, they packed a lot into these final 2 hours. And look - Jack's been through all of this before. He's been kidnapped by the Chinese, he's walked off into the sunrise, and he persevered. So he'll be just fine.
I thought for sure they'd do a silent clock at the end. That would have been cool.
See you in the movies, Jack Bauer. Do me a favor and bring Tony Almeida with you. Michael Madsen too.