Don't we usually have a 3-way competition for the winner? Kind of cool that there's only 2 this time, head-to-head. Who would've thought Sarah would have a chance of beating Paul.
Challenge: Create a 4-course menu and the restaurant of your dreams, using ousted contestants as sous chefs. Paul and Sarah choose their team based on a blind tasting of a dish made by each of the contestants. Paul gets a professional chef who was in there as a ringer, Ty-Lör, Hot Chris, and Big Keith. Sarah gets Nyesha, Tyler - the cocky asshole who didn't even make it to the top 16, Heather, and Grayson.
Shocker - Paul does an Asian menu. Shocker - Sarah serves something with whipped lardo. They both gets great comments from the judges, though it seems like they're more enthusiastic about Paul's overall. But they always edit that deceptively anyway.
Winner: Paul.
DDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
And Sarah's a whiny bitch about it. Waaaaaahhhhhhh you lost.
Showing posts with label Top Chef. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Chef. Show all posts
01 March 2012
23 February 2012
Top Chef: Texas
So the final three are Paul, Lindsay, and Sarah. Wouldn't have thought Sarah would be there, but otherwise it makes sense.
Quickfire Challenge: Tag-team cooking with a master of the Asian culinary world. Sarah won for a curry.
Elimination Challenge: Throw a "Fire & Ice" cocktail party, where you make a cocktail and a dish that has hot and cold elements. Sarah cracks 80 eggs and makes pasta like it's her job. Oh wait.
Bye-bye: Lindsay. Daaaamn. Paul better own Sarah!
Quickfire Challenge: Tag-team cooking with a master of the Asian culinary world. Sarah won for a curry.
Elimination Challenge: Throw a "Fire & Ice" cocktail party, where you make a cocktail and a dish that has hot and cold elements. Sarah cracks 80 eggs and makes pasta like it's her job. Oh wait.
Bye-bye: Lindsay. Daaaamn. Paul better own Sarah!
18 February 2012
Top Chef: Texas: Times Four
Seriously. I have 4 episodes of Top Chef in my massive DVR backlog. Holy crap. When did I get a life? I've somehow avoided all spoilers as well.
Quickfire Challenge 1: The chefs work in pairs to do a lot of prep work in 40 minutes and then make a dish in the time they have left. Grayson and Chris win and they had the least amount of time to cook.
Elimination Challenge 1: The former partners are now opponents, who must make separate versions of the same dish to serve at a party. It's Grayson and Chris, Sarah and Lindsay, and Paul and Ed - in a self-named "Asian Showdown". They go head-to-head making healthier versions of some pretty standard dishes. Nothing exciting.
Winner 1: Paul. He rules and I'd eat his kalbi any time. Does that sound as dirty as I intended?
Bye-bye 1: Chris. Please pack your squinty eyes and awful teeth and go.
Quickfire Challenge 2: Pancakes for Pee-Wee Herman. Seriously. Ed wins for his "pancake bits" which are what we used to call "drips" growing up - the awesome little crispy bits.
Elimination Challenge 2: Make a family-style lunch for Pee-Wee and the judges. And they have to bike around San Antonio to find their ingredients and a restaurant to cook it in. That's weird. Ed works out of a bed and breakfast kitchen. Cute.
Winner 2: Lindsay.
Bye-bye 2: Grayson. Dammit, I love Grayson! That's BS. Ed undercooked chicken, man.
At this point, they announce that they've been having a competition for all of the eliminated chefs, and airing it online. The winner gets back on the show -- and the winner is Beverly. Naturally. Can't knock the girl for beating every single person's ass. Damn.
Quickfire Challenge 3: Pick your ingredients while blindfolded, and then cook them (sans blindfold), using everything you picked up. Sarah wins and gets the choice of a new Prius or guaranteed spot in the finale. She chooses the guaranteed spot, mostly because she wouldn't fit in a Prius.
Elimination Challenge 3: Impress your mentor. Paul absolutely loses it; he cries and loves his mentor so much. Sweet. And a little gay. Sarah gets to just kick it, since she has a guaranteed spot.
Winner 3: Paul. Hell yeah. He's gotta win this whole thing; he rules.
Bye-bye 3: Ed. Keep using canned oysters! Damn, no 3-Asian finale.
The finale takes place in Vancouver. It looks cold as shit and is windy as hell.
Culinary Games:
1. Cook on a moving gondola. That's weird AND if you have a fear of heights or are prone to motion sickness it stinks. Everyone did quite well. Lindsay wins, and as a result she's in the final challenge and gets to sit out the next 2 events.
2. Chip your ingredients out of blocks of ice and cook. Having to pummel these ice blocks is ridiculous and time-consuming. Paul wins and gets to sit out the next round.
3. Biathlon -- Cross-country ski, then shoot for your ingredients. And you've got Beverly and Sarah, the two most unathletic people, doing it. Sarah wins that; I was surprised it wasn't Beverly, and yet glad at the same time. Bye, bitch!
Quickfire Challenge 1: The chefs work in pairs to do a lot of prep work in 40 minutes and then make a dish in the time they have left. Grayson and Chris win and they had the least amount of time to cook.
Elimination Challenge 1: The former partners are now opponents, who must make separate versions of the same dish to serve at a party. It's Grayson and Chris, Sarah and Lindsay, and Paul and Ed - in a self-named "Asian Showdown". They go head-to-head making healthier versions of some pretty standard dishes. Nothing exciting.
Winner 1: Paul. He rules and I'd eat his kalbi any time. Does that sound as dirty as I intended?
Bye-bye 1: Chris. Please pack your squinty eyes and awful teeth and go.
Quickfire Challenge 2: Pancakes for Pee-Wee Herman. Seriously. Ed wins for his "pancake bits" which are what we used to call "drips" growing up - the awesome little crispy bits.
Elimination Challenge 2: Make a family-style lunch for Pee-Wee and the judges. And they have to bike around San Antonio to find their ingredients and a restaurant to cook it in. That's weird. Ed works out of a bed and breakfast kitchen. Cute.
Winner 2: Lindsay.
Bye-bye 2: Grayson. Dammit, I love Grayson! That's BS. Ed undercooked chicken, man.
At this point, they announce that they've been having a competition for all of the eliminated chefs, and airing it online. The winner gets back on the show -- and the winner is Beverly. Naturally. Can't knock the girl for beating every single person's ass. Damn.
Quickfire Challenge 3: Pick your ingredients while blindfolded, and then cook them (sans blindfold), using everything you picked up. Sarah wins and gets the choice of a new Prius or guaranteed spot in the finale. She chooses the guaranteed spot, mostly because she wouldn't fit in a Prius.
Elimination Challenge 3: Impress your mentor. Paul absolutely loses it; he cries and loves his mentor so much. Sweet. And a little gay. Sarah gets to just kick it, since she has a guaranteed spot.
Winner 3: Paul. Hell yeah. He's gotta win this whole thing; he rules.
Bye-bye 3: Ed. Keep using canned oysters! Damn, no 3-Asian finale.
The finale takes place in Vancouver. It looks cold as shit and is windy as hell.
Culinary Games:
1. Cook on a moving gondola. That's weird AND if you have a fear of heights or are prone to motion sickness it stinks. Everyone did quite well. Lindsay wins, and as a result she's in the final challenge and gets to sit out the next 2 events.
2. Chip your ingredients out of blocks of ice and cook. Having to pummel these ice blocks is ridiculous and time-consuming. Paul wins and gets to sit out the next round.
3. Biathlon -- Cross-country ski, then shoot for your ingredients. And you've got Beverly and Sarah, the two most unathletic people, doing it. Sarah wins that; I was surprised it wasn't Beverly, and yet glad at the same time. Bye, bitch!
19 January 2012
Top Chef: Texas
Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using 3 random-ass ingredients that come off of a conveyor belt. I could make something using sauerkraut, Oreos, and Pop Rocks, I just know it! Beverly would have won, but she didn't get her curried Rice Krispies to the plate in time. Ha! Lindsay wins instead.
Elimination Challenge: Make a gothic feast for Charlize Theron. It's meant to coincide with Charlize's role as the Evil Queen in one of those Snow White films, but that thing isn't coming out for 6 months. They couldn't have shoehorned in a Young Adult-themed challenge? Everyone's making bloody, murderous, evil dishes, including heart. Heart. Paul puts a "bloody" handprint on the plate - awesome. Grayson's freaking black chicken claw looks scary as shit!! And it even had an egg to represent the unborn child!!! They all actually pulled out some amazingly creative dishes. So it ended up being a great challenge - like, maybe one of the best ones ever! Odd movie promotion aside....
Winner: Paul and his bloody handprint.
Bye-bye: Beverly. The judges said everyone was great, they just got nitpicky with things because they had to. And hers was definitely the least "out there" of all of the dishes. Damn, no more Beverly to kick around....
Elimination Challenge: Make a gothic feast for Charlize Theron. It's meant to coincide with Charlize's role as the Evil Queen in one of those Snow White films, but that thing isn't coming out for 6 months. They couldn't have shoehorned in a Young Adult-themed challenge? Everyone's making bloody, murderous, evil dishes, including heart. Heart. Paul puts a "bloody" handprint on the plate - awesome. Grayson's freaking black chicken claw looks scary as shit!! And it even had an egg to represent the unborn child!!! They all actually pulled out some amazingly creative dishes. So it ended up being a great challenge - like, maybe one of the best ones ever! Odd movie promotion aside....
Winner: Paul and his bloody handprint.
Bye-bye: Beverly. The judges said everyone was great, they just got nitpicky with things because they had to. And hers was definitely the least "out there" of all of the dishes. Damn, no more Beverly to kick around....
16 January 2012
Top Chef: Texas
It's Restaurant Wars!!!!! And it's a battle of the sexes.
The guys' restaurant is Canteen and has a cool little vibe going for it. It also has a retarded wait staff. The girls name their place Half Bushel and they bitch at each other - a lot. Women just can't work together.
The women win but neither of the restaurants blew anyone away. The chicks' food was apparently better.
Winner: Beverly. Good - give her a boost to her self-esteem and then kick her out next week. I love to hate her.
Bye-bye: Ty-Lör. It's about time. Please take your umlaut and go.
The guys' restaurant is Canteen and has a cool little vibe going for it. It also has a retarded wait staff. The girls name their place Half Bushel and they bitch at each other - a lot. Women just can't work together.
The women win but neither of the restaurants blew anyone away. The chicks' food was apparently better.
Winner: Beverly. Good - give her a boost to her self-esteem and then kick her out next week. I love to hate her.
Bye-bye: Ty-Lör. It's about time. Please take your umlaut and go.
09 January 2012
Top Chef: Texas
Quickfire Challenge: Make something using modernist techniques. Beverly's technique involves squirting her foam all over Padma's dress. Awkward bitch. Ty-Lör wins, though I liked Squinty Chris's Miracle Berry thing better. I want a Miracle Berry -- they make lemons taste sweet!!!! They sell them on Think Geek and I will get them some day. Oh yes, I will.
Elimination Challenge: Texas barbeque. It's a team challenge, and they all just form their own groups. They get to cook outside in giant BBQ pits and smokers... and in an RV, but unfortunately they're not cooking meth.
Chris, Chris, and Beverly make some beer can chicken and Dr. Pepper spare ribs.
Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay go Asian-influenced. Are there Asians in Texas?
And Ed, Sarah, and Ty-Lör cook so much that Sarah nearly dies from smoke inhalation. She's carted off to the hospital and the boys are left to finish on their own.
Winners: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay. Go figure - the Asian flavors worked! They also had some problems with the smoker. But they worked really hard and I love all of them so I'm glad they won.
Bye-bye: Both of the other teams really sucked it up. Pretty Boy Chris leaves because of his salty-ass dry rub.
Elimination Challenge: Texas barbeque. It's a team challenge, and they all just form their own groups. They get to cook outside in giant BBQ pits and smokers... and in an RV, but unfortunately they're not cooking meth.
Chris, Chris, and Beverly make some beer can chicken and Dr. Pepper spare ribs.
Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay go Asian-influenced. Are there Asians in Texas?
And Ed, Sarah, and Ty-Lör cook so much that Sarah nearly dies from smoke inhalation. She's carted off to the hospital and the boys are left to finish on their own.
Winners: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay. Go figure - the Asian flavors worked! They also had some problems with the smoker. But they worked really hard and I love all of them so I'm glad they won.
Bye-bye: Both of the other teams really sucked it up. Pretty Boy Chris leaves because of his salty-ass dry rub.
29 December 2011
Top Chef: Texas: Times Two
Time to catch-up on the holiday DVR backup.... And nothing like reheating pizza in the oven whilst watching chefs hustle to cook their asses off.
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish that pairs with a chosen tequila. I'm not a tequila person, but I had an amazing blueberry/basil margarita in Disney Mexico on Christmas that I'm still dreaming about. Ty-Lör and his dumb name wins.
Elimination Challenge: They get paired up randomly and Beverly and Heather are a team. And they hate each other. Awesome. Each team has to cook a chosen game dish, all of their fellow cheftestants will also be judges, and both losing team members will be sent home. Come on, drama! Tragically, it's all pretty effing dull. Until Judges' Table, when Heather says Beverly sucks and throws her under the bus for the last challenge, which makes no sense because 1) they're on the same team and will both be sent home and 2) she's talking about last week. STFU, dummy.
Winners: Ed and Ty-Lör.
Bye-bye: Dakota and Nyesha for their (really, Dakota's) undercooked venison. Boooooooo. I loved both of them! On the plus side, Beverly and Heather have to go home together.
On to the next one, when the show moves to Austin....
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish based on live Tweets that are shouted-out by Padma and Tom. They start out making something with bacon, then they have to make a hash to accompany their dish, then incorporate an ingredient that is handed to you by a fellow cheftestant. Paul wins. Twitter still stinks.
Elimination Challenge: Make a dish to honor your culinary inspiration, with guest judges Patti LaBelle and Emeril. Time for a lot of crying over grandparents, and some amazing-looking Korean braised short ribs from Beverly. Hungry.
Winner: Sarah for her sausage-stuffed cabbage rolls.
Bye-bye: Heather for over-cooked meat. Ha, bitch - Beverly beat you! It's a sad day when I'm actually siding with Beverly....
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish that pairs with a chosen tequila. I'm not a tequila person, but I had an amazing blueberry/basil margarita in Disney Mexico on Christmas that I'm still dreaming about. Ty-Lör and his dumb name wins.
Elimination Challenge: They get paired up randomly and Beverly and Heather are a team. And they hate each other. Awesome. Each team has to cook a chosen game dish, all of their fellow cheftestants will also be judges, and both losing team members will be sent home. Come on, drama! Tragically, it's all pretty effing dull. Until Judges' Table, when Heather says Beverly sucks and throws her under the bus for the last challenge, which makes no sense because 1) they're on the same team and will both be sent home and 2) she's talking about last week. STFU, dummy.
Winners: Ed and Ty-Lör.
Bye-bye: Dakota and Nyesha for their (really, Dakota's) undercooked venison. Boooooooo. I loved both of them! On the plus side, Beverly and Heather have to go home together.
On to the next one, when the show moves to Austin....
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish based on live Tweets that are shouted-out by Padma and Tom. They start out making something with bacon, then they have to make a hash to accompany their dish, then incorporate an ingredient that is handed to you by a fellow cheftestant. Paul wins. Twitter still stinks.
Elimination Challenge: Make a dish to honor your culinary inspiration, with guest judges Patti LaBelle and Emeril. Time for a lot of crying over grandparents, and some amazing-looking Korean braised short ribs from Beverly. Hungry.
Winner: Sarah for her sausage-stuffed cabbage rolls.
Bye-bye: Heather for over-cooked meat. Ha, bitch - Beverly beat you! It's a sad day when I'm actually siding with Beverly....
08 December 2011
Top Chef: Texas
Quickfire Challenge: Each of the chefs has to create a dish that uses a randomly-assigned sauce. No one had gravy. I call shenanigans. Grayson, my girlfriend, wins. And she should have - she used to be a saucier.
Elimination Challenge: Work as a team to create a 4-course steak dinner for 200 guests. Ty-Lör bleeds all over his steaks, gets 4 stitches, and has an awful, fakely-spelled name. Guarantee it's not on his birth certificate like that.
Shocker: these idiots can't cook and serve the meat properly and mostly everything else is a big mess too. I want Beverly and Heather to stay on this show forever because Heather hates Beverly as much as I do, and calls her on everything. I love it.
Winner: Heather for the cake. The cake recipe she has used before -- and stolen from Chinese Kentucky Ed.
Bye-Bye: Whitney, for botching a potato gratin I could have made in my sleep. Dumbass. It seemed like Tom was ready to send Whitney, Ed, and Ty-Lör home. He probably should have.
Elimination Challenge: Work as a team to create a 4-course steak dinner for 200 guests. Ty-Lör bleeds all over his steaks, gets 4 stitches, and has an awful, fakely-spelled name. Guarantee it's not on his birth certificate like that.
Shocker: these idiots can't cook and serve the meat properly and mostly everything else is a big mess too. I want Beverly and Heather to stay on this show forever because Heather hates Beverly as much as I do, and calls her on everything. I love it.
Winner: Heather for the cake. The cake recipe she has used before -- and stolen from Chinese Kentucky Ed.
Bye-Bye: Whitney, for botching a potato gratin I could have made in my sleep. Dumbass. It seemed like Tom was ready to send Whitney, Ed, and Ty-Lör home. He probably should have.
01 December 2011
Top Chef: Texas
On the show's drive to Dallas, they're pulled over by State Troopers... and here comes your Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish using ingredients from an emergency-survival kit. They have to cook in the middle of a field, and there's not much in the way of utensils and only little camping stoves. Lindsay wins with her "soup and sandwich" - using Vienna Sausages and a "club sandwich" made with Saltines instead of bread.
Elimination Challenge: Create a course for a progressive dinner party, some douchey thing that neighbors who like each other do - move from house to house eating a different course in each one. The houses are crazy-big and the husbands are all ugly as hell, so clearly they have money and these are their high-maintenance trophy wives. Ick. I'm not trying to watch The Real Housewives of Dallas here, goddammit.
A lot of the appetizers look great -- except for Chris's nasty thing that's supposed to look like a burning cigar. Stop trying to be cute about it. I want the artichokes and the Brussels sprouts like mad.
The entrees are all pretty standard and boring. Now it's time for the desserts, which are always death on this show. Blonde Chris serves mint chocolate chip ice cream with a strawberry/banana cupcake? Really!? A couple desserts make it in the Top Four, along with my artichokes and Brussels sprouts.
Winner: Paul for those amazing Brussels sprouts. I'm hungry.
Bye-bye: Chuy for some overcooked salmon. Now that's some BS!! I love him and either of the Chrises and their nastiness needed to go!
Revelation of the Day: Blonde Chris used to be a fat douche. Now he's just a douche.
Elimination Challenge: Create a course for a progressive dinner party, some douchey thing that neighbors who like each other do - move from house to house eating a different course in each one. The houses are crazy-big and the husbands are all ugly as hell, so clearly they have money and these are their high-maintenance trophy wives. Ick. I'm not trying to watch The Real Housewives of Dallas here, goddammit.
A lot of the appetizers look great -- except for Chris's nasty thing that's supposed to look like a burning cigar. Stop trying to be cute about it. I want the artichokes and the Brussels sprouts like mad.
The entrees are all pretty standard and boring. Now it's time for the desserts, which are always death on this show. Blonde Chris serves mint chocolate chip ice cream with a strawberry/banana cupcake? Really!? A couple desserts make it in the Top Four, along with my artichokes and Brussels sprouts.
Winner: Paul for those amazing Brussels sprouts. I'm hungry.
Bye-bye: Chuy for some overcooked salmon. Now that's some BS!! I love him and either of the Chrises and their nastiness needed to go!
Revelation of the Day: Blonde Chris used to be a fat douche. Now he's just a douche.
27 November 2011
Top Chef: Texas
Quickfire Challenge: Create a dish highlighting a chili pepper. The hotter the pepper you choose, the more money you could win. But you could also burn your judges' tongues off. The Asian dude goes for the hottest pepper and wins $20,000 for it.
Elimination Challenge: It's a Chili Cookoff, bitches! It's a team challenge -- and they can cook all night at their house. Cooking at the house means fighting over cooking surfaces and pans. It also means some people get to kick it in the pool while their meat braises.
There's a lot of good-looking, different chilis - one with corn/avocado salsa, one made with braised brisket and short ribs.
Winners: Chuy, Sarah, and Chris.
Losers: Beverly, Nyesha, and Richie. They get the opportunity to - individually - turn that chili around and make it into something good in 30 minutes. Tragically, Beverly is successful.
Bye-bye: Richie. Awww, how sad. I liked him. But he has awful facial hair. So it's not a total loss.
Elimination Challenge: It's a Chili Cookoff, bitches! It's a team challenge -- and they can cook all night at their house. Cooking at the house means fighting over cooking surfaces and pans. It also means some people get to kick it in the pool while their meat braises.
There's a lot of good-looking, different chilis - one with corn/avocado salsa, one made with braised brisket and short ribs.
Winners: Chuy, Sarah, and Chris.
Losers: Beverly, Nyesha, and Richie. They get the opportunity to - individually - turn that chili around and make it into something good in 30 minutes. Tragically, Beverly is successful.
Bye-bye: Richie. Awww, how sad. I liked him. But he has awful facial hair. So it's not a total loss.
17 November 2011
Top Chef: Texas Times Two
We resume the Qualifying Challenge with Group 3, which includes a chef from Sra. Martinez, one of my favorite restaurants. The chefs choose a plate that has one (very tame) ingredient and one hidden (and likely gross) ingredient. But the hidden ingredient isn't an ingredient at all - it's a timer. They have to execute what they've chosen within their allotted time which, of course, isn't as long as they wanted.
Making it to the competition from this group: Cute Asian Dude, Blonde Pixie, and Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick.
Now it's time for the 500th Qualifying Challenge of a competition that hasn't even officially started yet. The "on the bubble" people get to cook whatever the hell they want. There's a lot of seafood in that joint.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Only Asian Guy In Kentucky and The Plus-Sized Model I'm In Love With.
Time for the next episode.
Quickfire Challenge: Rattlesnake. Oh good lord. The Aging Goth Chick (Dakota) wins. I like her.
Elimination Challenge: In 2 teams, the chefs cook for a Quinceañera. The girl is a surprisingly good little food critic.
You know who's going to be the death of me? The Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick. She's like Reese Witherspoon from Election. On cocaine. She mentions wanting to prove to her father that a daughter can do just as much as a son. Daddy issues much? And she literally went up to the meat department in Whole Foods and was all, "Excuse me, I have the most important dish here, I need assistance." And she wasn't kidding! She's going to be annoying as hell, but you know what's going to be awesome? When she gets smacked back down and loses. That'll be priceless.
The Former Prisoner made the dreaded mistake of buying frozen, pre-cooked shrimp from the store. Hello - cook your own shrimp, dummy! It doesn't take that long!
Bye-bye: Keith, the former prisoner. Well, that's not a shock. Though I was hoping they'd keep him around just to be contentious with the other chefs. Now there's not as much chance of a shivving. And that's disappointing.
Making it to the competition from this group: Cute Asian Dude, Blonde Pixie, and Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick.
Now it's time for the 500th Qualifying Challenge of a competition that hasn't even officially started yet. The "on the bubble" people get to cook whatever the hell they want. There's a lot of seafood in that joint.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Only Asian Guy In Kentucky and The Plus-Sized Model I'm In Love With.
Time for the next episode.
Quickfire Challenge: Rattlesnake. Oh good lord. The Aging Goth Chick (Dakota) wins. I like her.
Elimination Challenge: In 2 teams, the chefs cook for a Quinceañera. The girl is a surprisingly good little food critic.
You know who's going to be the death of me? The Overachieving Type-A Asian Chick. She's like Reese Witherspoon from Election. On cocaine. She mentions wanting to prove to her father that a daughter can do just as much as a son. Daddy issues much? And she literally went up to the meat department in Whole Foods and was all, "Excuse me, I have the most important dish here, I need assistance." And she wasn't kidding! She's going to be annoying as hell, but you know what's going to be awesome? When she gets smacked back down and loses. That'll be priceless.
The Former Prisoner made the dreaded mistake of buying frozen, pre-cooked shrimp from the store. Hello - cook your own shrimp, dummy! It doesn't take that long!
Bye-bye: Keith, the former prisoner. Well, that's not a shock. Though I was hoping they'd keep him around just to be contentious with the other chefs. Now there's not as much chance of a shivving. And that's disappointing.
04 November 2011
Top Chef: Texas
They're starting out with like 29 contestants, so this is the episode where it gets narrowed down to 16. I automatically want the dude who looks like he just got out of prison - massive neck tattoo and all. He might shiv someone this season. Most of these chicks look like the kind of girl who would help Buffalo Bill get a sofa in his van. Woudja?
Qualifying Challenge: They are divided into 3 groups.
1. Prepare a dish using an assigned cut of a pig. The vegan chef is in this group. Mmmmm. Pig. Tom kicks out one contestant mid-cook because he's bad at butchering. The vegan dummy can't pour soup without spilling it all over the plates. AHAHAHA bye, dummy.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Dude Whose Eyes Are Barely Open, a couple Buffalo Bill Victims, The Black Chick, Awful Mohawk and Facial Hair Guy. My prison inmate doesn't make it! Oh shit, someone's dead now.
2. Prepare a dish using the same ingredient. And the ingredient they choose: rabbit. In their defense, there was a lot of nasty stuff to choose from.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Plain Girl, The Big Black Guy Who Actually WAS a Prisoner (I like him), Aging Goth Chick, Creepy Tall Bald Guy, GQ Boy, and The Little Mexican Abed.
There are some people on the bubble who need to prove themselves further, including The Chinese Guy From Kentucky. Aaaaaand the show abruptly ends. Weird. So we get Group 3 and the "On the Bubble" people next week? Just cut to the chase already!
Qualifying Challenge: They are divided into 3 groups.
1. Prepare a dish using an assigned cut of a pig. The vegan chef is in this group. Mmmmm. Pig. Tom kicks out one contestant mid-cook because he's bad at butchering. The vegan dummy can't pour soup without spilling it all over the plates. AHAHAHA bye, dummy.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Dude Whose Eyes Are Barely Open, a couple Buffalo Bill Victims, The Black Chick, Awful Mohawk and Facial Hair Guy. My prison inmate doesn't make it! Oh shit, someone's dead now.
2. Prepare a dish using the same ingredient. And the ingredient they choose: rabbit. In their defense, there was a lot of nasty stuff to choose from.
Making it to the competition from this group: The Plain Girl, The Big Black Guy Who Actually WAS a Prisoner (I like him), Aging Goth Chick, Creepy Tall Bald Guy, GQ Boy, and The Little Mexican Abed.
There are some people on the bubble who need to prove themselves further, including The Chinese Guy From Kentucky. Aaaaaand the show abruptly ends. Weird. So we get Group 3 and the "On the Bubble" people next week? Just cut to the chase already!
31 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars: The Finale
Michael v. Richard - I like this matchup. They're both amazing - you'd think Richard would be the favorite, but it's really anyone's game. Michael's been great this season. I like that there are only 2 finalists too - no one's in the middle, you either win or lose.
Final Challenge: Create the restaurant of your dreams with a 4-course tasting menu.
Former contestants are brought in to be sous chefs, but first they each have to create an amuse-bouche. And then Michael and Richard have to do a blind taste test to pick their teams. Richard gets Spike, Angelo, and Antonia; Michael gets Ginger Tiffany, Jamie (OH NO!), and Carla.
I want Michael's spiced beet salad. Tom creams himself over Michael's fish course and pork (with pepperoni sauce!) - and they sound really amazing - but the dessert kind of bombs. Richard has a million protein combinations -- and foie gras ice cream. *puke* So yeah - they should just never make dessert on this show.
Winner: Richard!! Yay for him - Richard rules, even if he is a crybaby.
Final Challenge: Create the restaurant of your dreams with a 4-course tasting menu.
Former contestants are brought in to be sous chefs, but first they each have to create an amuse-bouche. And then Michael and Richard have to do a blind taste test to pick their teams. Richard gets Spike, Angelo, and Antonia; Michael gets Ginger Tiffany, Jamie (OH NO!), and Carla.
I want Michael's spiced beet salad. Tom creams himself over Michael's fish course and pork (with pepperoni sauce!) - and they sound really amazing - but the dessert kind of bombs. Richard has a million protein combinations -- and foie gras ice cream. *puke* So yeah - they should just never make dessert on this show.
Winner: Richard!! Yay for him - Richard rules, even if he is a crybaby.
24 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars: The Finale... Almost
Quickfire Challenge: They each have to do a separate "Best of" challenge. Antonia has to work with canned goods, Richard has to make something with hot dogs, and Michael has to do one-pot cooking. Then they have a twist halfway through - Michael can't use utensils or hand tools, Richard can only use one hand, and Antonia has to have Carla glued to her side. Michael wins for the 1000th time in a row.
Final Challenge: Create a "last supper" for a culinary icon. Michael chose Michelle Bernstein, and then assigned Morimoto to Antonia and Wolfgang Puck to Richard.
Michelle wants fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. Wolfgang wants goulash and apple strudel, and Morimoto wants - go figure - Japanese food. Poor Antonia.
Michael mixed things up and did an empanada instead of a biscuit, but Michelle still liked it. Richard's stuff looked good. This final challenge didn't seem as big as the final challenges of the past. I don't know - didn't they always have to make 5 course meals? Although these chefs had no help, and I think in finales they usually are given old contestants as sous chefs.
BUT WAIT. That's not the final challenge - only 2 will move on. Jesus, this is the longest finale! There have been like 56 stages! I guess I missed Stage No. 42.
Richard is deemed safe, and then we come to Stage 7,432. Antonia and Michael have to make a one-bite dish for all of the judges. Jesus Christ.
Bye-bye: Antonia. I wasn't even paying attention. I'm mostly pissed that I thought LAST week was the finale, and then thought THIS week was the finale, and I was wrong both times. Give me my goddamn finale!!
Final Challenge: Create a "last supper" for a culinary icon. Michael chose Michelle Bernstein, and then assigned Morimoto to Antonia and Wolfgang Puck to Richard.
Michelle wants fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. Wolfgang wants goulash and apple strudel, and Morimoto wants - go figure - Japanese food. Poor Antonia.
Michael mixed things up and did an empanada instead of a biscuit, but Michelle still liked it. Richard's stuff looked good. This final challenge didn't seem as big as the final challenges of the past. I don't know - didn't they always have to make 5 course meals? Although these chefs had no help, and I think in finales they usually are given old contestants as sous chefs.
BUT WAIT. That's not the final challenge - only 2 will move on. Jesus, this is the longest finale! There have been like 56 stages! I guess I missed Stage No. 42.
Richard is deemed safe, and then we come to Stage 7,432. Antonia and Michael have to make a one-bite dish for all of the judges. Jesus Christ.
Bye-bye: Antonia. I wasn't even paying attention. I'm mostly pissed that I thought LAST week was the finale, and then thought THIS week was the finale, and I was wrong both times. Give me my goddamn finale!!
18 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
Quickfire Challenge: Prove your consistency by creating 100 identical dishes in an hour. They work in pairs so it ends up being Boys v. Girls. Tiffany and Antonia make a beef tenderloin salad while Michael and Richard make fresh pasta and bolognese sauce. The Girls win in an upset.
Elimination Challenge: Make lunch on a deserted island - and use conch, which you must catch yourself. Oh god, we don't need to see these chefs in swimming suits. It's gross.
Richard made sweet potato "linguine" with conch and lobster. Antonia's seared snapper with conch tartare was apparently hella spicy (but in a good way). Tiffany made conch and coconut chowder plus conch ceviche - and her chowder came out cold. Michael was heavy-handed with the butter, but his banana leaf wrapped grouper with braised pineapple and conch vinaigrette sounded the best to me, plus really incorporated local ingredients.
Winner: Michael. Awesome!
Bye-bye: Tiffany. With her cold and too-sweet soup, that makes sense. She definitely didn't belong in this Final Three.
Elimination Challenge: Make lunch on a deserted island - and use conch, which you must catch yourself. Oh god, we don't need to see these chefs in swimming suits. It's gross.
Richard made sweet potato "linguine" with conch and lobster. Antonia's seared snapper with conch tartare was apparently hella spicy (but in a good way). Tiffany made conch and coconut chowder plus conch ceviche - and her chowder came out cold. Michael was heavy-handed with the butter, but his banana leaf wrapped grouper with braised pineapple and conch vinaigrette sounded the best to me, plus really incorporated local ingredients.
Winner: Michael. Awesome!
Bye-bye: Tiffany. With her cold and too-sweet soup, that makes sense. She definitely didn't belong in this Final Three.
10 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
It's finale time in the Bahamas. Richard's kid is due any day and he's naming her Embry Lotus. Oh good god.
Quickfire Challenge: Compete head-to-head with the winner of their respective seasons. Who the eff is Hosea? I totally don't remember him. OK, maybe I do. But I would never have named him among the winners. I watch too much damn television. Richard, Tiffany, and Mike win their competitions.
Elimination Challenge: Cook for Bahamian "royalty" (what turns out to be the King of Junkanoo - kind of like Caribbean Mardi Gras). While in the kitchen, one of the deep fryers catches fire and puts a hold on everything. Flaming oil will do that. And now all the food they were cooking is contaminated by fire extinguishers and what not. Gross. And also that sucks - the chefs have to start over.
Carla does pork and decides to cook it differently. Why does she always insist on going against what she knows!? It's raw in the middle. Nice. Now it's gonna be twice-cooked pork. Antonia makes fried shrimp and grits and it elicits Tom's Diss of the Day: "Howard Johnson called and wants their garnish back." Meow.
Mike makes chicken with a lobster hash; Tiffany makes pork and dirty rice. Doesn't she ALWAYS make pork and dirty rice? Richard does braised lamb.
Winner: Mike. Yeah, I think it's all him and Richard in the finale. Richard's safe too so it's all 3 chicks at the bottom. Women stink.
Bye-bye: Carla. Uncooked pork will do that to you. She always screws herself.
Quickfire Challenge: Compete head-to-head with the winner of their respective seasons. Who the eff is Hosea? I totally don't remember him. OK, maybe I do. But I would never have named him among the winners. I watch too much damn television. Richard, Tiffany, and Mike win their competitions.
Elimination Challenge: Cook for Bahamian "royalty" (what turns out to be the King of Junkanoo - kind of like Caribbean Mardi Gras). While in the kitchen, one of the deep fryers catches fire and puts a hold on everything. Flaming oil will do that. And now all the food they were cooking is contaminated by fire extinguishers and what not. Gross. And also that sucks - the chefs have to start over.
Carla does pork and decides to cook it differently. Why does she always insist on going against what she knows!? It's raw in the middle. Nice. Now it's gonna be twice-cooked pork. Antonia makes fried shrimp and grits and it elicits Tom's Diss of the Day: "Howard Johnson called and wants their garnish back." Meow.
Mike makes chicken with a lobster hash; Tiffany makes pork and dirty rice. Doesn't she ALWAYS make pork and dirty rice? Richard does braised lamb.
Winner: Mike. Yeah, I think it's all him and Richard in the finale. Richard's safe too so it's all 3 chicks at the bottom. Women stink.
Bye-bye: Carla. Uncooked pork will do that to you. She always screws herself.
07 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
No Dale. I can't go on.
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish using ingredients from a snack bar - on a ferry to Ellis Island. Lots of nasty food ensues, especially Mike's bread soup. Carla wins for some sliced oranges, and catty "Sour Grapes" Richard is bitter. He's a sore loser.
Elimination Challenge: Create a dish based on your ancestry.
Mike made some amazing-looking gnocchi. Antonia made some amazing-looking veal and risotto. I'm all about the Italians at this point. Tiffany made short ribs, but then they were accompanied by pig's feet, so that killed it for me. Richard threw some fried bone marrow in with his meat, but it was all allegedly amazing. At that point, Carla's the only one left, and they've all hit it out of the park. But she makes braised pork shoulder, grits, and biscuits, so how can you go wrong? Damn, lots of good food tonight, and no clear mistakes.
Winner: Antonia. Then Mike is safe, then Richard. And then they keep Tiffany and Carla too. Of course they did. How convenient. They allegedly couldn't decide. Hey, you're gonna have to cut them at some point, why keep waiting? So it's 5 for the Finale in the Bahamas.
Quickfire Challenge: Make a dish using ingredients from a snack bar - on a ferry to Ellis Island. Lots of nasty food ensues, especially Mike's bread soup. Carla wins for some sliced oranges, and catty "Sour Grapes" Richard is bitter. He's a sore loser.
Elimination Challenge: Create a dish based on your ancestry.
Mike made some amazing-looking gnocchi. Antonia made some amazing-looking veal and risotto. I'm all about the Italians at this point. Tiffany made short ribs, but then they were accompanied by pig's feet, so that killed it for me. Richard threw some fried bone marrow in with his meat, but it was all allegedly amazing. At that point, Carla's the only one left, and they've all hit it out of the park. But she makes braised pork shoulder, grits, and biscuits, so how can you go wrong? Damn, lots of good food tonight, and no clear mistakes.
Winner: Antonia. Then Mike is safe, then Richard. And then they keep Tiffany and Carla too. Of course they did. How convenient. They allegedly couldn't decide. Hey, you're gonna have to cut them at some point, why keep waiting? So it's 5 for the Finale in the Bahamas.
02 March 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
Quickfire Challenge: Create a deep-fried dish for Paula Deen. I'm pretty sure Paula just said she's deep-fried balls of butter before. I guess that doesn't shock me. Michael wins for a dish that Richard accuses him of plagiarizing from him. Whatever, Richard - don't show a fellow competitor your secret notebook and he can't steal from you. It's a competition.
Elimination Challenge: Make Gulf Coast seafood and Southern food for a fundraiser - and do it paired with a former contestant. Disappointingly, there's no good drama with the pairings. Damn.
Winner: Richard and his fish/pulled pork combination, which sounds gross but apparently wasn't.
Tiffany, Carla, and Dale are in the bottom and I'm sweating it out that Dale's a goner with his cruddy stew. How can he be so good one week and crappy the next? Damn this show!
Bye-bye: Dale. And that sound you just heard was a cry of agony. GODDAMMIT!!!!!
Elimination Challenge: Make Gulf Coast seafood and Southern food for a fundraiser - and do it paired with a former contestant. Disappointingly, there's no good drama with the pairings. Damn.
Winner: Richard and his fish/pulled pork combination, which sounds gross but apparently wasn't.
Tiffany, Carla, and Dale are in the bottom and I'm sweating it out that Dale's a goner with his cruddy stew. How can he be so good one week and crappy the next? Damn this show!
Bye-bye: Dale. And that sound you just heard was a cry of agony. GODDAMMIT!!!!!
17 February 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
Quickfire Challenge: Make cookies, which will be judged by Elmo and Cookie Monster. Enough schtick from the damn Muppets - I want to see some cookies!! Angelo and Michael have never made cookies before, so I am already 100% better than they are. Dale makes some freaking amazing-sounding no-bake cookies out of potato chips, pretzels, and chocolate ganache. I REALLY want him to marry me NOW. Dale wins!!
Elimination Challenge: Raid a Target in the middle of the night and create a dish for 100 employees. They have to get everything there - knives, rice cookers, cutting boards, tables, dishes, whatever they need.
There's a lot of soup being made. Dale re-creates dorm living and makes tomato soup cooked in a rice cooker and grilled cheese -- grilled with an iron!!!! MARRY ME!!
Antonia, Dale, and Richard all put forth the most effort, and were all in the top. Winner: DALE!!! Holy crap!! He won $25,000 for that freaking soup and iron-grilled cheese!!!! I LOVE THAT CRAZY BASTARD!!!
Bye-bye: Angelo for his salty-ass potato soup. I kind of felt bad for him - because he showed actual human emotion in the end - but then again YAY! No more Euro-Douche who wears knee-high black socks!!
Elimination Challenge: Raid a Target in the middle of the night and create a dish for 100 employees. They have to get everything there - knives, rice cookers, cutting boards, tables, dishes, whatever they need.
There's a lot of soup being made. Dale re-creates dorm living and makes tomato soup cooked in a rice cooker and grilled cheese -- grilled with an iron!!!! MARRY ME!!
Antonia, Dale, and Richard all put forth the most effort, and were all in the top. Winner: DALE!!! Holy crap!! He won $25,000 for that freaking soup and iron-grilled cheese!!!! I LOVE THAT CRAZY BASTARD!!!
Bye-bye: Angelo for his salty-ass potato soup. I kind of felt bad for him - because he showed actual human emotion in the end - but then again YAY! No more Euro-Douche who wears knee-high black socks!!
14 February 2011
Top Chef All-Stars
Quickfire Challenge: Create a unique fondue. They mostly look good -- lots of cheese, some chocolate, it's all good with me. The contestants judge each other, and Dale, Antonia, and Angelo are at the top. The winner is Dale and his Pho-ndue. Gotta give it up to him for the pun alone. Go Dale!
Elimination Challenge: Corporate Synergy Alert! Cook one of Jimmy Fallon's favorite foods for his birthday. The dishes they have to cook are chosen via Cell Phone Shootout, which appears to be a game played on Jimmy Fallon's show. Yes, Jimmy Fallon appears to have a show.
How is beef tongue one of his favorite foods!? PUKE! Antonia has to make that, otherwise people get things like burgers, Ramen noodles, chicken pot pie, and chicken and dumplings. Dale makes a cheesesteak on a pretzel roll and blows my mind. Dale, will you marry me!? They said it had too much salt. That's OK, I love salt. The marriage is still on. On a related note, Angelo's pulled pork sounded amazing, but I still hate him.
The show's a little annoying, and I blame the energy that Fallon brought. The contestants were even more attention-whorey than usual. Even Angelo was making up songs about beef tongue.
Winner: Carla. She also gets a cooking segment on Jimmy's show. She was the craziest of all of them this episode. Don't start annoying me, hon.
Bye-bye: Fabio. I'm OK with that, only because I was really sweating it out that Dale was gonna get the boot for his salt-fest. Fabio made a bad burger, so screw him.
P.S.: Thanks for the huge in-show commercial for Buitoni pasta, assholes.
Elimination Challenge: Corporate Synergy Alert! Cook one of Jimmy Fallon's favorite foods for his birthday. The dishes they have to cook are chosen via Cell Phone Shootout, which appears to be a game played on Jimmy Fallon's show. Yes, Jimmy Fallon appears to have a show.
How is beef tongue one of his favorite foods!? PUKE! Antonia has to make that, otherwise people get things like burgers, Ramen noodles, chicken pot pie, and chicken and dumplings. Dale makes a cheesesteak on a pretzel roll and blows my mind. Dale, will you marry me!? They said it had too much salt. That's OK, I love salt. The marriage is still on. On a related note, Angelo's pulled pork sounded amazing, but I still hate him.
The show's a little annoying, and I blame the energy that Fallon brought. The contestants were even more attention-whorey than usual. Even Angelo was making up songs about beef tongue.
Winner: Carla. She also gets a cooking segment on Jimmy's show. She was the craziest of all of them this episode. Don't start annoying me, hon.
Bye-bye: Fabio. I'm OK with that, only because I was really sweating it out that Dale was gonna get the boot for his salt-fest. Fabio made a bad burger, so screw him.
P.S.: Thanks for the huge in-show commercial for Buitoni pasta, assholes.
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