Grandpa Goes For a Ride

I'm not excited to see this movie. Indiana Jones is way too old now. And why does it look like Grease? Oh, right, it takes place in the 50s or something, right? Those were pretty fun times.

Crystal Meth Gives You Giant Boobs

I told you Stephanie Tanner would grow up to be the hottest!

Those Wacky Brits

A man has been charged with having sex with his bike.

Robert Stewart was allegedly caught in the act by two terrified cleaners who walked into his bedroom in a hostel. The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offense after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr. The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees.

Maybe I'm trapped in a box. But I can't figure out which part of the bike he was having sex with.

Top Chef

I wasn't going to blog about this week's Top Chef. At this point, there are so many chefs I can't keep them straight, and it wasn't particularly exciting. Until Hung explained a part of his dish: "a transparent chip of skin." Let me say that again. A transparent chip of skin. If I ever put a band together, that's the name! It's freaking genius.

This challenge was a disaster. They had to reinvent classic American dishes to lower their cholesterol. The judges hated on everything. I was disappointed that Tom didn't slam Dale for his use of potato flakes in his dumplings. I expected him to get scolded, but I guess if it was good then it was good.

Could C.J. be any taller? I can't stand Dale's short pants, or maybe they're long shorts, whatever. Bye bye Micah, her dry meatloaf, and her crappy, condescending attitude.

The Real World: Eeeewww

When did Frank become such a douche? He goes out with 3 hot chicks and claims they're all too ugly for him. But he bangs ugly fat chicks when he's drunk. He's a cocky bastard!!

This episode stunk. The dating game thing was such a scripted set-up. And it was all a big ad for The Palms and the Hef Suite. What a surprise that they got to stay there. That's crazy. It's not like they have a camera crew following them or anything.

Do we at least get a good racial fight next week - between Stephen and Alton?

Need Birth Control Advice?

This is why I can't wait for the Knocked Up DVD.

Forget What I Said About Megan Fox

Saggy boobs and bad skin aren't so hot.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Do you like:

1) Death-defying stunts performed by a man a bit past his prime?
B) Fighter planes blowing stuff up?
lastly) Lots of shooting and PG-13-rated violence?
fourth) Violence against women?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above, then for god's sake go see Live Free or Die Hard!!! I went over lunchtime with my work buddies, and it's great. The perfect movie to just sit back and enjoy. The only thing missing were the F-words.

The best thing is that three little old ladies were sitting in front of us and they loved it! They were laughing and clapping. Go little old ladies!!

Hell's Kitchen: Now With More Double Entendres!

The Nanny: "I love putting things in my mouth."
"Vinnie is ready to impress Chef Ramsay with his meat."
"Vinnie struggles with his meat."

Heh.

Only in L.A. would they have a restaurant like Opaque, where people eat in the dark.

Every year there has to be a dick customer who wants to complain and be on TV. This year it was a tall chick whom Chef Ramsay called a giraffe.

Chef Ramsay Quote of the Night: "F me senseless!"

Bye bye to Vinnie, his fat chin, and his man boobs. Next week: a wedding reception. Who would agree to have their reception in Hell's Kitchen? Ten bucks says they're actors.

I Told You Ron Weasley Would Grow Up To Be the Hottest!

I'd do all of them, the only decision I have to make is - in what order?

Didn't This Happen in Happy Gilmore?

Keep golfing in Florida!

A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot one-eyed alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said. Bruce Burger, 50, was trying to retrieve his ball Monday from a pond on the sixth hole at the Lake Venice Golf Club.

The alligator latched on to Burger's right forearm and pulled him in the pond. Burger used his left arm to beat the reptile until it freed him.

It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches. The pond at the sixth hole has a "Beware of Alligator" sign.

Let This Set the Standard For All Future Gifts

Just received a mixtape in the mail at work. The cover made me laugh out loud when I opened it - and I'm still laughing 10 minutes later. Best of all: no Corinne Bailey Rae or Pink on the CD!

Pearl Strikes Back

This is Why You Should Never Fake Your Death

It's kind of like how I won't lie about being sick, because then I'll probably get sick. Can you say "backfire"?

WWE wrestler Chris Benoit canceled a pay-per-view appearance at the "Vengeance" event in Houston because of "personal reasons" a day before he, his wife and their 7-year-old son were found dead in an apparent murder-suicide.

Investigators believe Benoit killed his wife and son over the weekend and then himself sometime Monday. The bodies were found Monday afternoon in three different rooms of the house on Green Meadow Lane, in a subdivision off a gravel road about two miles from the Whitewater Country Club.

Ballard told The Associated Press a gun was not used in any of the deaths. But he declined to say how the three died.

World Wrestling Entertainment said on its Web site that it asked authorities to check on Benoit and his family after being alerted by friends who received "several curious text messages sent by Benoit early Sunday morning."

Awwww

Look at the little Tiger.

This Weekend's Theme: Ummm.... Dead People?

We saw 1408 on Saturday. It was scar-eeee! I'm a sucker for the stereotypical scary movie stuff - loud noises, ghostly people, creepy children with big eyes. John Cusack is great in the movie, and elevates the material. He provides a little comic relief whenever it's needed. He plays a guy who writes books about haunted hotels. His daughter recently died. He stays in Room 1408 and the fun begins. Creepy creepy. Of course the dead daughter visits him. It's great stuff - I was the kind of scared where I just giggle because I'm so terrified. At one point I whispered to Mike, "I hate you. I'm going to kill you." - because he had made me watch the movie. But I enjoyed being scared in the end. Good times.

I had to see A Mighty Heart by myself, so I went Sunday while Mike golfed. It's really, really good. I was prepared for a depressing movie where I'd bawl my eyes out. But it wasn't too depressing. I mean, you already know what happens at the end, so maybe that helps. The movie made me more anxious than sad. Half the movie focuses on the search for Daniel Pearl by the Pakistani police, complete with raids and interrogations. Trying to solve the kidnapping is very interesting. The other half of the movie is of course focused on the pregnant Mariane Pearl. Her fellow journalists are there to support her, and there are some really beautiful little moments with them, reading What to Expect When You're Expecting and making sure she eats.

I thought Angelina did a really great, understated job with this part. She plays Mariane as very strong, keeping emotion reigned in until the moment she finds out Daniel is really dead. Even after Daniel's death, Mariane was on television asking people to remember other journalists and victims of terrorism. It's not heartbreaking, but it's not uplifting, it felt more like a matter-of-fact documentary to me. But maybe that's because I have no feelings.

Do It, Jessica!

If we can just get Jessica in the car with Lane Garrison behind the wheel, my wish might come true! Sadly, she was the one driving.

Who's Your Caddy?

I am not ashamed to admit that this trailer made me laugh out loud yesterday. No fewer than 3 times! The Johnny Cochran joke, the "my mouth was open", and the fat guy - I'll see you there, Big Boi!

Good Thing I'm Too Old For This S

My favorite amusement park ride is usually the drop tower. My biggest concern was always losing a shoe. This is why I no longer like to live dangerously. (At least they recovered the feet!)

A 13-year-old girl's feet were completely amputated just below the ankle Thursday afternoon while riding the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville. Her feet were recovered by Six Flags staff and were sent to the hospital with her. Drop-tower thrill rides shut down at parks across the country, the AP reports.

Hottie of the Week

This week's hottie - Zoe Kravitz, daughter of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet. Keep an eye on this one; she's strong! Sad thing: I remember when she was born. Now she's 18. Kill me now!