19 May 2012


OMG this movie suuuucks.  And, like, I expected it to, but I was kind of hoping for mindless fun.  Instead it was just mindless.  And the opposite of fun.  You know how The Avengers is the perfect movie to see, where you're cheering and laughing and having a great time?  Battleship is not that.

OK so it's aliens attacking at sea and they really do incorporate the board game at one point which is kind of amusing, but otherwise? No.  It made no sense.  These aliens pretty much should have wiped us out.  Their weakness made no sense.  The way they would decide to blow up one person/ship and bypass another made less sense.

And the end?  OMG.  OK - screw it.  I'm spoiling the movie.  If you really don't want to know what happens in Battleship, go away.  It's not like it's some shocking ending - Bruce Willis isn't dead the whole time - it's just that it's so ridiculous I need to discuss it.

OK.  So.  All the ships at sea are destroyed but then they realize they have 1 more ship we can use -- a battleship that has been retired for decades and is a museum.  So.  When the ragtag group of, like, 6 survivors gets to the battleship, the museum is staffed by what appears to be 100 retired seamen.  Why there are so many, and why there are no patrons, who knows.  I mean, who cares about a battleship museum anyway?

So the old retired guys join the youngsters in fighting, showing them how to work the outdated ship, weapons, etc.  And while you might think it would make you go, "Eff yeah!  Go old guys!" instead it made me laugh.  I was laughing for several minutes during the "climactic" battle scene.  Because it read like a Funny or Die skit instead.  Like, haha, look at these old guys pretending to be action heroes.

And the old guys couldn't act.  So they must have been real veterans.  And on that same subject, there's a double-amputee in the movie who I'm also guessing has never acted a day in his life.  Look, I feel bad, you lost your legs, but you can't act.  You can find something else to do. You're making Brooklyn Decker seem good.  And yes, I believe the world is saved largely through the work of this double-amputee and his skinny physical therapist.  Oh wait - there's also a "wise-cracking" scientific guy.  But he's not funny.  None of it is.  Except unintentionally.

There were also 2-3 scenes that I'm pretty sure were actually done 2 times each.  Including a different character saying some variation of, "Take that, mother--" and then getting cut off by gunfire.  Um, no.  You either say MFer or you don't.  But you certainly don't fail at it twice.

Aw. Ful.

1 comment:

JA from Olney said...

If Rihanna's the double amputee then I'm all in!!!