Baloney & Cereal Oh-Eight Sillies: TV

Now television I can do. Television can be viewed while you sit disabled on a sofa for 2 months. Thank god for television.

Best TV of 2008

1. Chuck - Because I watch or DVR 4 shows on Monday nights. And this is always the show that I watch last on Tuesday evenings - because it is the one that is guaranteed to be good. And it makes me happy. I can't think of a single character I don't love to pieces.

2. Fringe - I've been rewatching the season on Hulu this week. God it's good. And although the "freaks of the week" and the larger conspiracy are interesting things, it's the characters that really make this show. Mostly Pacey and his father. They are so well played, I just want to hug the TV screen.

3. Pushing Daisies - So sad that this show is canceled. It's another just plain feel-good show. It's witty and wry, with a fairy-tale feel, the dialogue is so smart and quick, and again these characters are fun. Mostly Emerson Cod. Oh how I will miss seeing him every week.

4. 30 Rock - The goddamned funniest show on television. Only this show would make a Lemon Party reference (Google if you must; NSFW). Liz Lemon is the woman I want to be, she's perfect in every way. Alec Baldwin is amazing. Again, just great dialogue and characters.

5. The Office - A goddamned close second. Toby came back. Yay!

6. So You Think You Can Dance - I need to get my leg fixed so that I can dance along when this show returns this summer. It's infectious and has people with real talent (!) and I love it.

7. Heroes - For all of its faults, it's still a fun show with great characters. I pretty much am committed to drinking the Kool-Aid with this show. I don't over-think, I just go with the flow.

8. Lost - Definitely looking forward to its imminent return. The freighter characters they added this year were actually interesting! And of course it was one hell of a cliffhanger.

Worst TV of 2008

American Idol and Big Brother. Never again.

Baloney & Cereal Oh-Eight Sillies: Movies

I feel like any Top Movies of the Year List I do is woefully inadequate because I've missed so much these past two months. There are a handful of movies that I'm sure are great, but I can't get out to the theater to watch them. So I'll just have to make do with the ones I did see. In order to make it 8 for oh-eight, I'll do Top Five and Bottom Three.

Best Movies of 2008

1. Iron Man - I'm actually putting this movie ahead of the next, though it was very close. Robert Downey, Jr. is so amazing, he grounds the movie in such realism that you totally buy everything that happens. Love it.

2. The Dark Knight - This ended up in second place because of glaring flaws that couldn't be overlooked. The who-will-blow-up-the-other-boat scene -- it just rings false to me and bothers me more the more I watch it. Christian Bale's gravelly, unnecessary whisper. But those are small things when considering the big picture - and the Joker, Two-Face, and Commissioner Gordon.

3. Tropic Thunder - Hilarious. And for as good as Robert Downey, Jr. is (once again), it's Jack Black who steals the movie. And dammit, if it isn't the only Tom Cruise movie I have ever or will ever like!

4. Burn After Reading - Funny, quirky, a great return to Fargo form for the Coen Brothers. Brad Pitt and George Clooney are hysterical, the situations and characters are absurd, and it had me laughing even hours later.

5. Step-Brothers - Apparently, I really kept things light this year. All of the serious dramas come out at the end of the year, so maybe that's why I didn't see many. This movie is hilarious and destined to be a comedy classic, and I really just have one word to say: balls.

Worst Movies of 2008

1. The Happening - No words for how disappointing this was. Ridiculous, pointless -- oh look, I found two words!

2. Semi-Pro - Again, a disappointment. Whereas Step-Brothers is a classic Will Ferrell film, this one is just plain unfunny.

3. Max Payne - Disappointed yet again! Damn these marketing folks for making movies look good with their fancy trailers, music, guns, and biceps. Boring and dull.

Up Yours, Life!!

I'm going to the game! I'm renting a wheelchair and going to the game!

Now I need purple tinsel for my RoboLeg....

The Biggest Dagger in the History of Daggers

GO RAVENS! I mean seriously. The Ravens made the playoffs! Awesome! Tony Romo was practically crying because the Eagles handed him his ass! Awesome!

Next week: the Ravens play in Miami. NOT AWESOME!!! I'm disabled!!! I can't go!!! Do they have handicapped tickets!?

Vote!

Be sure to vote for your favorite Christmas movie in my poll! These are your only choices. They're all classics as far as I'm concerned.

RESULTS:
The Ref: 2
Home Alone: 1
Christmas Vacation: 7
Elf: 3

Well, there's no accounting for taste. You're wrong. The correct answer is The Ref.

Merry Christmas From Florida

Where Mike had to do most of the cooking, but I totally helped.



And RoboLeg got in the holiday spirit.




Menu: Mimosas, Ham with pineapple chutney, Cranberry goat cheese parcels, Mini vegetable and cheese frittatas, Grilled vegetable salad, and Cinnamon rolls.





MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!

Christmas Lulz

Some kids just aren't into Santa.

Prison Break

While Mondays usually mean 4 shows being taped or watched, tonight there was only one. And unfortunately it has to be Prison Break.

Linc, Gretchen, T-Bag, and Michael Rapaport are in Miami to try to get the computer card that can save the world or whatever. Mahone pops by to join in for some reason too. There is much scheming and secretive meeting, and Gretchen gets shot.

Michael is being held in a house and is told that his mother is alive (no one on this show ever stays dead) and working for The Company. The Company wants him to work for them, and is like brainwashing him and chemically lobotomizing him or something. But Michael rigs some nonsense and escapes. He does a LOT of running for someone who just had brain surgery yet shows no outward signs. Sara shows up and grabs Michael, after the Bald Bad Dude's daughter told her where he was.

I thought Kathleen Quinlan was a real actress. What's she doing on this show playing Michael's mother? Michael's mother who appears to be behind all this computer chip stealing business.

Only 6 more episodes left (maybe forever), and it's not back til the Spring.

I Think This Says It All

THAT RAVENS WIN WAS AMAZING LAST NIGHT!!! THANKS FOR THE EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT, RAVENS!

Birthday FAIL

I went to Chick-Fil-A for my birthday lunch (birthday's tomorrow, but they're closed on Sundays) so I could have some waffle fries and a peppermint chocolate milkshake.

No peppermint chocolate milkshakes.

Dagger.

Thankfully, the No. 2 Seed, Arby's, had a mint chocolate shake. Which was good, even if it was an unnatural shade of green.

F. U. Chick-Fil-A. F. U.

(Also, since where is there that second "c" in the name? I had no idea.)

Prison Break

Denise Crosby's operating on Michael Scofield. And she looks Old. As. Balls.

He has convenient flashbacks and a visit from dead Westmoreland during surgery. Thanks for reminding me how good this show used to be. Oh to have Season 1 and Fox River back!!

Michael survives the surgery, though during it he was injected with something weird which I'm sure will come into play at some point.

Lincoln uses pliers to pull out T-Bag's teeth until he tells him where Gretchen is. Christ, Lincoln, YOU ROCK! Linc and Sucre head to the exchange point where Gretchen and Michael Rapaport await the buyer. The buyer steals Scylla after a shootout where everyone is a horrible shot despite most of them being trained government agents.

Mahone escapes his transport and runs through the woods. Agent Lang lets him escape. Of course she does. True love forever!

Speaking of true love, Sucre drops out of the Gang. Adios, Papi, don't go away forever por favor!

Also, Scylla apparently holds the secrets to harnessing solar energy. I'm not kidding. Like, at all.

Merry Christmas From Me

Don't say I never gave you anything.

Zach Galifianakis is my hero. Here are 3 short episodes of his timeless interview series, Between Two Ferns.

Michael Cera

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Jimmy Kimmel

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

and finally John Hamm, who is my newest comic hero. And the last minute or so is PRICELESS!!

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Heroes

Mohinder decides to try to save his scaly ass by injecting himself - again! - with the formula. He's interrupted by Knox and Flint who start trashing the lab, with Peter joining in on the fun. And Daphne also speeds in to steal the formula. Which Ando decides to inject into himself to get powers. Enough with the self-medicating!

Ando doesn't get the hoped-for power of time travel, but rather some red lightning that acts as a power super-charger. Which somehow allows him to take Daphne back through time to save Hiro and bring him back to the present.

Sylar traps Meredith, Angela, Bennet, and Claire at Primatech. Bennet unleashes some bad guys in order to catch Sylar. Instead, Sylar kills them all, plus makes Meredith lose control of her fire ability and traps Bennet in a room with her. Claire throws herself through the glass and saves Daddy. R.I.P. Mommy, who ends up dying in her own flames, as Primatech burns to the ground.

R.I.P. Knox, whom Tracy freezes as he's fighting Nathan. In the midst of destroying the lab, Peter injects himself with the formula, gets his powers back, and flies Nathan out of there before it explodes. R.I.P. Flint?

Claire stabs Sylar in the back of the neck, in the spot that is guaranteed to kill him. But we all know he's not dead.

And so ends Volume Three. At the start of Volume Four, Worf is President and agrees to help Nathan hunt down the Heroes.

Tune in come February, when the show tries to save itself. I gotta say, "Fugitives" looks pretty cool.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Sarah travels to a UFO Convention and meets up with a dude posing as a chick that Mike totally called was a dude. Mike knows his trannies. The Man Lady claims to have parts of a UFO, which Sarah thinks are really Terminator parts I guess. Sarah sees one of the UFOs. I don't know what's happening here.

We find out who John's little girlfriend Riley really is. Or will be, I guess, since she's from The Future. She came through to the Present with David Silver's Aussie girlfriend. Her mission: to keep John away from "her". That's vague.

I know this show isn't called The David Silver Chronicles, but COME ON!!!

Robot Leg Serves Purpose

Who does RoboLeg work for?

Wolverine Trailer

The tag line for this movie should be "Witness the biceps" not "Witness the origin." Cuz for real - the man's arms are criminal. I actually think we saw better footage at Comic-Con, but the trailer's still pretty good.

B&C Duh of the Week

I was off the internet for 2 days due to Vicodin-induced vision problems. And come back to 410 items in my Google Reader. Of those, only 2 things stood out to me.

1. Tara Reid is in rehab, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

No S Sherlock.

2. ET breaks news that Private Practice star Kate Walsh's husband Alex Young has filed for divorce from the actress. ET was first to obtain the divorce filing.

Reps for the pair tell ET, "Papers have been filed to amicably end the marriage of executive Alex Young and actress Kate Walsh. The couple remain on friendly terms and sincerely hope the media will respect their privacy during this difficult time."

In divorce papers, Young cites irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. The date of separation is listed as November 22, 2008, just before the Thanksgiving holiday.

Kate and Alex have been married since September of 2007. The couple got engaged in May 2007 after a whirlwind courtship.

This filled me with joy. JOY! 1. I hate this bitch. 2. I hated her bragging about how awesome her relationship was and how it was such a whirlwind romance. 3. I love that it was her husband who filed against her. 4. I hope she dies alone.

Yeah, I hate Kate Walsh for no particular reason at all.

Terminator: Salvation Trailer: English Edition

Slightly different, no pesky subtitles. Still same awesome.



In HD here.

Prison Break

Linc totally pwns Michael Rapaport. Rapaport's all, It wasn't personal, it's business, come on, I'll let you meet the buyer.

T Bag doesn't kill a bible salesman, even though he thinks he's a Company agent. It was a crazy tense scene where he was going to kill him, it was awesome. And then he ended up being a Company agent after all, and pwned T Bag. That was cool.

Michael uses hair spray, a lighter, pipes, and duct tape to make a gun. I'm not kidding. It shoots tear gas canisters.

There was loads of punching and shooting, as The Gang tried to doublecross Rapaport and The Company caught up with them as well. And then there were the nosebleeds, as Michael's tumor caught up with him. He passes out and The Company picks him up.

Mahone meets with his old friend Kickass Agent Lang. He needs her to get him access to the Attorney General. But she ends up betraying him and having him locked back up. DAGGER MAHONE!!!!

Lincoln shows up at The Company to get his brother back. They say they will operate on his tumor in exchange for the computer chip thingy. The General gives Lincoln a file labeled "Tombstone II" - a sequel to the movie, perhaps?

Terminator: Salvation Trailer

Sure, it's half-ass quality. Sure, it has Japanese subtitles. I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET! Especially since I can't hit the theater this weekend to see this trailer (or the Wolverine trailer).



THE TERMINATOR MUSIC MAKES ME HORNY!!!!!!

Heroes

In their little trip to the past, Hiro and Claire discover that Hiro's mother had the ability to heal others. And Claire decides to prevent the Company from making Baby Claire the Catalyst.

Hiro has a sweet reunion with his dying mother, and she heals his amnesia. Claire also hangs out with her mom in the past, and even changes her own diaper. Now that's effing creepy. In the end, Hiro ends up being the Catalyst. Until Arthur pops in and steals it from him, along with his power, leaving him stranded in the past, literally clinging to a flagpole.

Elle is really dead. I was holding out hope that she wasn't, but nope - she's dead - and Sylar sets fire to her body on the beach. Where'd he get the convenient lighter fluid? Maybe it's one of his powers. Or the kind of thing that washes up on the beaches in California. Working off of Elle's cell phone, Sylar tracks down a chick who is a human lie detector, and slices her head open. Back to the old Sylar!

Nathan has decided to take over Pineheart from Papa, and they are working with the Department of Defense to make superpowered soldiers. Nothing can go wrong with that, right?

Arthur transfers The Catalyst into the formula and now they have some delicious red superpowered Kool-Aid. One of the soldiers is injected and becomes superstrong.

Angela orders Peter to kill his father. He shoots him right through the head. But Sylar comes in and stops the bullet. He asks Arthur if he's really his father. Human Lie Detector says no. Bullet - reactivated. R.I.P. Arthur Petrelli and your kickass Chicago accent. Thanks for the Kool-Aid.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

At the start of the episode, Sarah sends David Silver to help a muy pregnant woman who has been shot. And then we get a flashback to 6 months ago when Sarah and Cameron saved the woman and her family from the Terminators. In turn, David Silver has a flashforward to the teenaged daughter being a doctor who saves his life in the future.

So the episode goes back and forth between past, present, and future. This show tends to do that kind of unusual storytelling a lot - and it's effective. I really like when the show goes into the future because David Silver is a badass and the end of the world is cool and destruction is kickass.

The woman dies giving birth. The baby ends up being a girl David Silver meets in the future who has an immunity to a virus and saves mankind or some such (in partnership with her doctor sister).

You know what this episode wasn't missing? John Connor. Which is to say, he wasn't in the episode at all, but I didn't miss him.

B&C Impressions of the Week

Mike loves to make fun of me on a daily basis. He always starts by imitating me walking through Walgreens after the midnight emergency room visit.


And this is how he claims I walk now. Sure, it's easier now, but I'm not THAT good now!

Best Song Ever?

OJ Sentenced

OJ GETS 15 YEARS!!!

This is the perfect time to bring out one of my favorite holiday pictures.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, OJ!!!

My Pathetic Existence

Also, it should be illegal for Godiva to send a freaking catalog to the home of a sofa-ridden person. I'm suing.

I WANT ONE!

No, I don't read Martha Stewart's blog. I just ended up on it somehow.

I WANT THIS PUPPY AND I WANT IT TO STAY A PUPPY FOREVER!!!!!

More pics here

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Bank robbers rig a contraption that allows them to walk through walls to get into the safety deposit box room. One of them gets stuck in the wall on the way back out. Oops.

Turns out Olivia knows the dude killed in the wall. Or really, her Dead Boyfriend's memories know him. Their memories are combining in her head. Nice.

Turns out the safety deposit boxes they've been stealing were rented by Walter over 20 years ago. He just can't remember what was in them or why he rented them. I LOVE WHEN WALTER'S ALL CONFUDDLED AND THEN DRUGGED UP!!!

Turns out what they were stealing were pieces of a teleportation machine that Walter built. Yes, a teleportation machine. Once it's assembled, the robbers use it to teleport that German prisoner dude from a couple weeks back. It works! They move him from the German prison to a field near Boston. And they kidnap Olivia.

TURNS OUT I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! AND IT'S NOT COMING BACK UNTIL JANUARY!!!!! NO!!!

Prison Break

In tonight's episode, Michael Rapaport double-crossed The Gang and now they're pissed.

I love that Gretchen always has perfect red lips and perfect red nails. Makes her even more badass.

I love that The Feds always wear suits. Undercover sneak attacks be damned. The Feds capture Linc and end up offering The Gang a deal. Another effing deal. Homeland Security determined they're telling the truth, and that Rapaport screwed them. But they need them to testify against him.

Meanwhile, Rapaport forces Gretchen to work with him to try to sell The Computer Chip of Awesomeness. But he can't sell it - because it's not complete. Michael took a piece of it off before he turned it over.

So Michael shows up to the warehouse where they're holding Linc to strike their deal. But it's another double-cross. Or something. I can't keep track - maybe it's a quadruple-cross? Cuz The Homeland Security Dude goes to shoot The Brothers, but then Another Dude shoots That Dude to take The Brothers to the Bald Bad Dude. But Sucre busts in and then Lincoln shoots That Other Dude.

This show stinks.

Heroes

This Daphne-on-crutches stuff was funny last week. But now I just get another show tonight featuring a crippled person. Mike calls me Daphne now. Daphne, Jimmy from South Park ("What a great audience"), and Tiny Tim.

Claire's rushed to the hospital suffering a huge infection because she's never been sick before and her body can't fight the infection. Claire looks like ass. She goes into cardiac arrest and they freaking cut her chest open - drastic, no? And suddenly makes me even more wary of my impending surgery. The funniest part is where her mother is just watching from the window. Um. Her chest and guts are all open and all over the place, and she's watching relatively calmly? Ew.

Gabriel and Elle did it. Right there, in the house, on the bare floor. She's the mother of Little Noah, right? But then Bennet busts up the afterglow with his bigass gun. Mood killer. But I guess it's nice he let them finish.

Elle gets shot and Gabriel patches her up and sends her off so he can face Bennet alone. They have a monster fist fight, then Bennet slashes Gabriel's throat open.

The Petrellis break up a child sex slavery ring in Haiti. No really. Peter's really good with a freaking hugeass gun -- for a nurse.

But oh look - that nasty eclipse clears up just in time for everyone to get their powers back and for Claire and Gabriel to recover. How terribly convenient. But this also means Mohinder's scales are growing back. Sad horns.

Gabriel and Elle show up at the Bennet house, a little pissed. Bennet says Gabriel's not really a Petrelli, but Gabriel doesn't want to hear it and starts to return the slit-throat favor. Hiro shows up suddenly and teleports Gabriel, Elle, and Claire away. It looks like Sylar's back and killing Elle on a beach.

Then my DVR cuts off. Effer. I'll see if I missed anything on Hulu tomorrow.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

This week's episode featured a guy in a wheelchair. This show is taunting me now, right?

Cameron sees a Terminator model in a picture from the 1920's. Luckily there is also plenty of 1920's news footage about the guy. So we get loads of flashbacks, and all this information that comes from the library like it's a GD police station or something.

All this leads Cameron to figure out that the 1920's Terminator has holed himself up into a wall, where he plans to assassinate the Governor in 2010. So she kills him. I really didn't follow how she noodled that one through. I guess that's what makes her a Terminator.

This was the lamest plot contrivance B.S. ever. And BORING! WHERE IS DAVID SILVER!? THERE WAS NO DAVID SILVER!!! Hell, there was no Sarah. And all John did was make out with Riley a little. I don't think he even touched boob.

DULL!

B&C Football Player of the Week

It takes a real man to accidentally shoot yourself. Donkey of the Week material right here.

Giants receiver Plaxico Burress has retained New York defense attorney Ben Brafman to represent him after the ninth-year veteran accidentally shot himself in the thigh Friday night at a Manhattan night club.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese said Sunday that he had yet to speak to Burress. "I reached out to him," Reese said. "I did not get a return phone call."

Burress, who was out Friday night with Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce, was treated overnight and released from a New York hospital on Saturday afternoon.

According to an NFL official, the bullet went through the skin and muscle tissue of Burress' right thigh and did not hit any major arteries, and that there were no broken bones.

NFL handgun policy prohibits players carrying weapons on NFL premises and NFL-related functions. It also prohibits any player having a gun without a proper permit or registration.

If Burress or Pierce are found to have broken the law, those offenses would subject them to penalties under the league's personal conduct policy.

My Thanksgiving

It's official. I married a saint. Not only did Mike make the entire Thanksgiving dinner himself, he did it while I micro-managed and nagged from the couch. And it was really good.

Lucky for him, I was mostly distracted while he cooked - I video-chatted with the family in PA for over 2 1/2 hours. That was a lot of fun. While we were chatting, I got to witness The Apple Pie From Hell - Mary made it. It looked hella good, I'm sorry I missed it.

Here's the complete dinner, along with a close-up of the awesome Gratin of Cauliflower with Gruyere.



What better way to digest your food than by watching Top Chef? My cast felt tighter - I guess the food went straight to my legs.


And because Mike finds it hysterical, here is the picture he took of me all Valiumed up in the ER Tuesday night.



And this is what we call my "old lady stool" - for showering.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

I Am On Drugs

My knee got locked up last night. As in, just like 13 years ago, I was doing something totally random and in an instant was rendered a cripple. We went to the Emergency Room, and after a good drugging the doctor straightened it out. So now I'm in an immobilizer cast and on crutches. I can't see the orthopedic surgeon until Friday afternoon.

So Mike gets to cook Thanksgiving dinner, with me hobbling around trying to help. I don't know if I'm in the mood for turkey though - I'm rather liking my diet of Valium and Percocet.

So what's Mark Wahlberg's excuse? Was he all drugged up too? Public urination in broad daylight? Really?

That's hot.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Man gets scratched up by a swarm of dive-bombing butterflies while in an office. So much so that he throws himself through the office window and dies. Not making that up.

Olivia's talking to her dead boyfriend again, this time through email. He leads her to a basement - where there are a bunch of toads in Rubbermaid bins. Not making that up either.

Somehow, due to the toads, Walter concludes that the dead guy was given a drug and hallucinated getting attacked to the point where the injuries manifested on his body.

Olivia tells Walter she's seeing the dead boyfriend again, and he says what she's really doing is accessing the dead boyfriend's memories from when they shared a brain. Time to go back in The Tank to try to clear out those repressed memories!

The memories lead them to the truth. Which is just more shadiness by the very shady company Massive Dynamic.

Walter's Food Obsession of the Week: Coffee yogurt. It's always something with this man.

Walter's Quirk of the Week: "Uh-oh. I just got an erection." OH WALTER I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

Prison Break

The Big Bad arrives in the basement. In an elevator. Well, The Gang didn't need to do all that digging, did they? They could have just taken the freaking elevator!!! I'm sure they could've devised a system for breaking into an elevator that would have been easier - and less deadly. RIP Bellick.

The Gang gets what they want from the basement (I guess) and takes the Big Bad hostage while they try to think of a way out of the building. Because now it's all under heavily-guarded lockdown. Across town, Sara takes his daughter hostage, and tells him to let The Gang go or she dies. Sara ain't messin' around. She was totally badass holding a gun on that chick!!

After weeks of trying to be all secretive in T-Bag's office, Gretchen goes all Commando on the place, holding everyone at gun point. T-Bag's secretary, who's really an agent, busts up the party and nabs T-Bag.

The Gang gets out and gives the computer thingy to Michael Rapaport. Oh, so the show's over, yes? Mission accomplished?

After some "it's all over" celebrating, which is of course a sure sign that it's NOT over, Rapaport kills his partner in front of T-Bag. And the Papers of Freedom he gave to the Gang - blank! Sorry guys, it's not over yet.

Heroes: Another Eclipse?

How often do freaking eclipses happen? I thought they were rare. But I guess so are superpowers, so I'll let it slide.

Arthur sends Gabriel and Elle on a mission to bring Claire back to Pinehearst. Angela sends Claire off with Bennet to hide. He takes the father-daughter time and spends it training her to fight. Or, more specifically, whacking wood around like a baseball bat.

Nathan and Peter fly to Haiti to get... well, The Haitian.

Mohinder is becoming even more of The Fly as the eclipse nears, and he thinks the eclipse will take away powers from the Heroes.

The eclipse does indeed take away their powers - Nathan and Peter fall out of the sky (and luckily into a body of water); Mohinder is all cocooned onto a wall and comes out healed up; Elle and Gabriel have no powers when they find Claire and Bennet; and Claire can't heal when she's shot by Elle.

Now that Mohinder's all healed, he decides to make a booty call, and looks up Maya's location. But Arthur needs him to stay and try to figure out what's going on with the power outages. Heh. Power outages.

Hiro and Ando end up in a comic book store run by Seth Green With A Beard and Breckin Meyer.

Daphne and Matt are in her hometown, where there is a lot of corn. And since her powers have been taken away, she's all crippled.

Sylar and Elle kiss, and Bennet has them in his freaking rocket launcher sights.

To Be Continued.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

David Silver finds out that his girlfriend came back from the future to get rid of Cameron. Because in the future, John is taking Cameron's counsel or something and killing good people.

The girlfriend is working with Riley, John's little girlfriend. I knew something was up with Riley when I saw her bedroom. What kind of teenage girl has posters of Yosemite and a bear catching a salmon on her wall? Honestly. Where were the My Chemical Romance and Twilight posters? Riley is a weirdo. And I guess she's from the future too.

The rest of the show was computer chip/AI nonsense. Shirley Manson Terminator's AI has a name - John Henry - and it may have killed the psychiatrist who was working with it. The AI has no morals. Well, duh. It's a computer.

But things got creepy at the end when they hooked up John Henry to the Bad Terminator - and now he talks and interprets what John Henry says. Creepy!

JACK IS BACK AT LAST!

I was afraid this was going to be like a TV Movie About Africa starring Kiefer Sutherland, and not like 24. But it was in real-time! And with loads of obvious product placement! Awesome! I really liked it, it worked as a self-contained movie.

The sound effect of the "24" coming up on the screen GIVES ME SHIVERS!!!! Oh how I missed it, it has been too long!!

Nice that even in Sengala, Jack has a Messenger Bag of Death. Because even if you're doing missionary work at a school, if your name is Jack Bauer, chances are you might need it.

Jack is served a subpoena - he's finally going to be held accountable for his years of torturing people and cutting off their heads, it seems.

There's a poorly timed coup coming in Sengala, due during the Inauguration of the first female President. The separatist group or whatever it is kidnaps some kids from the Jack Bauer Kickass School for Kicking Ass, in order to make them soldiers. BIG MISTAKE!

When they come to take the rest of the kids from the school, Jack goes into action. Good thing he's got some dynamite and a couple guns. Which of course are a match for a bunch of guys with machine guns and a freaking rocket launcher. For a while anyway, until they capture him. But you can't torture Jack to get the location of the kids, no you can't. Even if you burn his ear with a red-hot machete.

Jack snaps the leader's neck with his legs and escapes, with the help of his coworker/Special Ops buddy. They load up the kids and head for the Embassy. In the process, they are of course met with many obstacles - including Jack's buddy stepping on a landmine. Bye bye Jack's buddy. You should have known that being Jack's friend would mean you would eventually make the ultimate sacrifice.

They make it to the Embassy, but of course Jack has to turn himself in to the American government in order to save the children.

This movie also gave us the usual 24 villains, which are more like the usual 24 slimy douchebags. Soon-to-be-ex-President Noah Daniels - once a douchebag, always a douchebag. And the weasely United Nations guy down in Africa, who hides like a pussy, tries to run away, and then when he's captured he gives up the location of Jack and the kids.

Jon Voight was the Big Bad, who financed this coup I guess, or provided them with weapons. His details were sketchy, and I think he's carrying over into the new season, along with this female President, whom I really liked.

Apropos of nothing, I really fell in love with that one guy's place. The doomed druggie finance guy. He had the greatest steel gray walls and doors, brick walls, hardwood floors, cool furniture. I WANT IT!

BRING ON JANUARY 11TH AND BRING ON TONY ALMEIDA!!!

Child Named After Jungle Book Character

So this is my guilty pleasure celebrity couple, still. But this name? Oh Em Gee. That's just begging for the kid to get his ass kicked. Good thing his dad wears eyeliner.

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and husband Pete Wentz welcomed a son Thursday night, PEOPLE confirms.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.

"Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!" a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.

Bummer of the Effing Week

Boo. Pushing Daisies is the freaking feel-good television show of the millennium. I love it so much.

The only bright spot here is Fuller probably will return to Heroes. But still. I'd rather have Pushing Daisies on the air. That show is so damn lovable. RATS!

Quality television took a serious hit this evening with news that ABC has opted not to order additional episodes of Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money for this season. The network isn't commenting, but multiple sources confirm that all three shows have "effectively been canceled."

The one bright spot: The ratings-challenged trio will complete production on their 13-episode orders. Of course, completing the episodes and actually airing them are two totally different things.

"It's all true," Daisies creator Bryan Fuller tells me. "I'm so very proud of this show and grateful for everyone's hard work in bringing it to life."

Source

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Kidnapped kid. Weird, hypnotizing lights.

His kidnapper wants him to finish a piece of music that he has been obsessing over. This is some kind of key to something. The boy's "dead" mom makes an appearance to encourage him, and when he can't finish the piece, she starts dying again - like her face cuts open and bruises and bleeds everywhere and stuff. Crazy. Turns out it was all in the kid's head, as the kidnappers were working some crazy mind control stuff on the kid to get him to finish the piece.

Walter has to go back to the mental institution in order to get some information from a patient. I thought he was going to make out with him at one point. He was very cuddly afterward - definitely in need of a hug. I. Love. That. Man.

At least his trip back inside wasn't for nothing, as information he got from the guy led to finding the boy.

Walter's Quirk of the Week: Singing Christmas carols.

SHOUT OUT TO BOBBY Z!!! I saw your picture on that "previous victim" file folder, yo! Awesome!

Prison Break

Oh Sucre, your drill is soooo big.

That's literally all I typed during this episode. There was a botched attempt to get the card, more oops-T-Bag-almost-got-caught malarkey, and loads of drilling to get to... whatever it is they're trying to get. I still don't know!!!

Why am I watching? Mahone is awesome, it's something to watch, and Lincoln's tattooed arms. In that order, and all-inclusive.

Heroes

So somehow, when Arthur caught up to Hiro in Africa, he made Hiro think he's 10. And how is this different from adult Hiro? Ando tells him about his ability, and works with Hiro to access it.

Arthur tells Gabriel that he can take powers without killing, by accessing his empathy or something. He puts Gabriel in a room with Elle. She's a little pissed because he killed her father. Lucky for him, he can regenerate after she electrocutes his ass several times. Gabriel tells him it wasn't him fault - it was the hunger, and he's working to control it. She's pretty relentless, electrocuting him til she's exhausted and he's shirtless.

While discussing forgiveness, he takes her power without killing her. She still has her power too and they bond over experimenting with it. They're falling in looooove. How romantic, especially after he killed her father and everything. Oh well, it wasn't his fault. It was the hunger. I'd forgive his shirtless ass too.

Mohinder's experimenting on people, giving them powers. And they're turning into gross, weird scaly creatures. Hey Mohinder - you still have a little something on your neck yourself, buddy.

Matt finds Angela in her coma and decides to go on a trip inside her mind. He gets stabbed by Daphne in the dream state and bleeds in real life too. What is this, Nightmare on Elm Street? Add it to the list of things Heroes rips off. So there's all this weird dream activity and during it Daphne and Matt fall in love and Angela gets Arthur to release her from the coma. Don't ask me how, I can't explain any of this stuff.

They're setting up sides - and Claire's some kind of catalyst for the formula. That's as deep as I can get. I'm still distracted by Gabriel's shirtlessness.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

David Silver's girlfriend runs into a man from the future who works with the machines, and proceeds to tie him up and slap him around. He claims he's not who she thinks he is. He's just a simple watchmaker. Sure. That's what Sylar says too. David Silver works some really nice pulling-out-the-fingernails torture! WOOHOO! The guy caves.

David's girlfriend tells him that in the future he is held captive and tortured by this man. She ends up shooting the guy. David Silver can't remember being held at all. He's thinking that their actions in the present are changing the future and maybe he's from a future where it didn't happen and she's from one where it did. My eyes go crossed at that point.

Cameron and John drive to Mexico to properly dispose of the Bad Terminator's body. Surprise - he's not in his grave. It turns out FBI Guy has it, and has brought it in for Shirley Manson Terminator to take a gander at.

And Sarah's no good to anyone, all sick and having weird dreams about babies and tortoises and cacti and 3 spots. How did Sarah Connor become the most boring person on this show? That's supposed to be John.

Timberlake Is The Man

Here's Justin Timberlake doing Saturday Night Live in 2 minutes. He really is hysterical, dammit.

Quantum of Solace: I Still Don't Know What That Means

What to say about Quantum of Solace?

It was good. But not anywhere near as good as Casino Royale. I totally got over my dislike of Daniel Craig in the first one. In this one, not so much. He really didn't appeal to me here. There was the requisite car chase, the requisite acrobatic stunts (though nowhere near as good as that opening sequence in Casino Royale), and the requisite sex. But like barely any sex and totally "what was the point of that?" sex.

Suits, cars, guns - all good things. But it just wasn't as fun as it should have been.

Justin Timberlake Is a Comedy God

Bee skit @ (Nov 15 2008)
by thebeyoncenetwork

And it wasn't just this - it was a "SNL in 60 seconds" thing he did too. I can't find that yet.

B&C Skeleton of the Week

Wow, that Madonna sure is an ageless beauty. Look at those arms! That chest! That glowing reflective skin!

Star Trek Trailer

Watch the Star Trek trailer quickly - before it's pulled from You Tube!

It looks really really really really good!

Top Chef

Top Chef is in New York City this season.

Does every contestant have sleeve tattoos? The cool chick and the Filipino do anyway. We also get an Indian chick, a couple Europeans, a couple bald dudes, a freakishly tall chick, and only 2 gay dudes. Too many people to keep track of in the beginning, as ever.

Quickfire Challenge: It's a food prep relay! I love those!!

1. Peel 15 apples with a paring knife. The one dude practically cuts his finger off it's bleeding so much. How did he qualify when there was blood all over those apples!? You couldn't effing serve them if you were peeling them for a restaurant!

2. Brunoise the apples (really really perfect dicing for the layman).

3. Make something with the apples.

Loser: Some chick that Mike totally predicted would go, based solely on her introductory piece. Hahaha!

Elimination Challenge: Dishes based on an assigned NYC neighborhood.

Winner: The German Swiss dude.

Bye-bye: The gay guy, which again Mike totally called early on.

Mike: The Top Chef Psychic.

Oh Happy Day

The full trailer for Watchmen has been released. Loads of new stuff and some actual dialogue!!

The trailer for Star Trek comes out tomorrow.

Fringe

An FBI agent goes to the hospital, having suffered a heart attack. Naturally, this leads to the use of a bone saw and a rib spreader. I hate this show. But what's that wrapped around his heart? Some kind of parasite that looks like a Venus Fly Trap plant. I love this show.

A key witness they need is killed by the FBI. So what do they do? Hook his dead brain up to Pacey's brain and let them talk to each other. Of course! I LOVE THIS SHOW!

Plus there was an uber-creepy German dude who told them how to kill the parasite. Bonus.

I still want to weep with love for Walter when he repeatedly asks for gum or mints. WHY DOES THAT NEVER GET OLD!?

Prison Break

Back to digging. And tracking down the architect of the building. And passing out from tumors. Worst. Collapse. Ever.

Bellick was not a nice guy, OK Sucre? I know the writers want you to feel bad for him, but all I can remember is how he set Tweener up to be raped in the first season. And killed a cat. He was a bastard. Jesus, even T-Bag gets teary thinking about him!

I don't care about this architect, nor his wife, who for some reason helps Mahone by giving him a key for the map. I don't care that T-Bag's secretary has been working for Homeland Security all along. I don't even care that Michael has a tumor and needs immediate surgery.

I. Don't. Care. Period.

News Flash: Old Sperm Makes Cute Kids

So this kid is cute, right? Like hot enough to be the next Ron Weasley?

Well, guess who - it's Cannon King, Larry King's son. Oh barf! How did he make such a cute kid?

Heroes: A Look Back, or How To Retcon

Another look back in time, courtesy of Hiro's African drug-induced spirit walk.

One year ago...

Arthur Petrelli was Father of the Year, telling Linderman he'll kill Nathan if he has to. He's the one who ordered that Nathan's car be run off the road. Going back in time sucks because they have to use the Emo Wig for Peter. Peter's real Emo Hair was soooo much better.

Angela poisons Arthur, setting him up for his coma and faux-heart-attack. Those Petrelli parents sure are great.

Meredith was working with Flint (they're brother and sister), robbing stores. Eric Roberts is back (woot!) and captures Meredith to make her an agent. But they've also imprisoned her brother, so Meredith springs him and they flee The Company.

Gabriel was in his watch shop making himself a noose to hang himself. WTF!? He is saved by Elle, who was sent to meet him by Bennet. So The Company knows about Sylar but just lets it happen. Something about needing to see how he kills "in the wild."

Gabriel and Elle start falling for each other, and he's thinking maybe he can control his burning need to be special, like a recovering addict. Until she brings over a dude with powers for him to kill. That's just too tempting for Gabriel/Sylar, who kills the dude's emo ass, while Elle and Bennet watch from the van outside.

Back to Present Day...

African dude was beheaded!!!!!!!! Gross. By Arthur, who shows up and attacks Hiro.

I didn't like all the looks back at Season 1, because it only made me long for the beauty of Season 1 even more.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

This episode had a cool way of telling the story through each character's perspective. Scenes would overlap and then go in different directions following one of the characters when they split off.

John's off gallivanting with his gf Riley, taking a bus down to Mexico. And now I want Mexican food. They get thrown in prison for a bar fight, and then proceed to break out. Rather than wait for David Silver to come get them.

Terminator dude arrives at the Connor house and drags Sarah around, kidnapping her. When we see Sarah's perspective of events, it's just her in the trunk of the car while there's all kinds of shootouts and chases going on outside. Turns out all that is taking place at the prison, where the Terminator has come to find John, and so has Agent Ellison.

The good guys corner the Terminator in a church and shoot him the eff up. They bury the body and destroy his brain chip thing. Or, more precisely, Sarah goes medieval on the chip's ass.

Mmmmm... Spock

I Hate Phil Simms

If he mispronounces one more word I am going to throw my television out of the window.

And how funny was it early in the game when he told a story and Jim Nantz told the same story one second later? BOTCHED LISTENING! Even Nantzy can't listen to him speak.

RW/RR: The Island: The Reunion

Reunions are great because the girls look even more whorish than usual. Christ, Ev, you have NEVER done your hair like that EVER, why start now? She looks hot though. It's amazing what volume, probably some extensions, and some makeup can do.

Jenn's eyebrows are so horrible. They are perfect half-circles. That's WRONG.

Paula's still butthurt about not being picked for the guys' boat. She's like hiccup-crying over it. Still.

Kellyanne cracks me up with that "gangsta" pose she adopts as she yells. She's psychotic. And now she's dating Wes? Jesus, Wes gets way more high-quality ass than he deserves.

It was the usual reunion with the usual yelling about the usual faux-drama.

Today's Theme: Elizabeth Banks Comedies

Happily, I can highly recommend the two movies I saw today.

Zack & Miri Make a Porno is a pretty typical Kevin Smith film. Vulgar, hysterical. Then it gets a little weird when things get "serious". Whenever that part comes up I'm always like, "OK, come on, back to the balls please." And luckily, he always goes back to the balls. I also oddly loved the production values in the movie - it really made you feel like you were poor and in Pittsburgh in the middle of winter. Not glamorous in the least.

There were a couple "shocking" moments, though honestly I didn't find them too shocking, I just found them funny. Surprise, right?

Even though the "serious" maybe-they're-falling-in-love bits are a little cringe-worthy, the movie is funny enough to make them worth it.


I'm so glad Role Models was funny. I remember first seeing the trailer and fearing it was going to be a warm-hearted, feel-good film. And I was like, What are Stifler and Paul Rudd doing in this movie? Then I found out it was Rated R. Oh thank god!

It's still cute, but not at all cutesy. Bobb'e J. Thompson is a god among child actors, truly. He's funny and curses up a storm and I just want to smack and then hug that kid. And I love Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott in anything they do - they were great here.

B&C Hot Chick of the Week

I have no updates.

So have some Scarlett Johnansson, because she's hot. Ogle the ring. Covet the shoes. She looks like perfection in this picture!!

VOTE!

Prison Break

The Gang has the Big Black Assassin and Linc's beating the crap out of him. With Mahone semi-patiently waiting for his turn.

The Gang heads to the office building to find whatever it is they're trying to find in the basement. They start digging. Oh, not digging again. Good lord, every season there's digging. "Can you dig it?" That makes me miss C-Note.

Once they get what they need from the Assassin, Mahone gets him. And he brings a defibrillator with him. The Assassin killed his son and the Assassin is GONNA GET IT!!!!! He doesn't disappoint - there are needles placed through fingertips, loads of whispered threats, electric shocks, and agonizing pain. I LOVE IT!

Mahone makes the Assassin apologize to his wife. Nice touch. Then he handcuffs the Assassin to a cinder block and tosses him into the ocean. NICE!

Gretchen shows up to the Bald Bad Guy's office and I'm like, "He's her father, isn't he?" No, because they start kissing. Gross.

Quote of the Night: "We're goin' together, like traffic and weather." - T-Bag

R.I.P.: Bellick. He sacrificed himself so that the boys could successfully tunnel through a water pipe. Aw, poor Brad. He was a slimy bastard, but was more sympathetic lately. Which only meant he was marked for death. But on this show? You never know.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Connors got their stuff stolen. Really - that was the plot.

John was grocery shopping, the Terminator Dude was hunting them down, and Sarah and David Silver were looking for their stolen stuff. Really.

Need. More. Guns. Cameron killed a couple dudes, but still. MORE!

Funniest. Thing. Ever.

Little Bill O'Reilly is BRILLIANT!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Enjoy it!

RW/RR: The Island

The finale! Yay! What a lovely surprise.

Dan - who was in the freaking military, right? and appears to be in good shape - drops out of the Face-Off almost instantaneously. That's what alcohol will do to you I guess.

Winner: Ev. Duh. Johnny kisses her ass and apologizes.

Bye bye: Dan, Johanna, and Kellyanne, because they lost the Face-Off. Ev takes Dunbar's key. Well, that was semi-exciting, mostly because the crappy editing job on that weird, cut-up, rambling speech made it look like Ev was taking Johnny's.

They have to quickly make two teams for the boats. The dudes quickly ditch Paula.

1. Kenny, Ev, Derrick, and Johnny.
2. Robin, Paula, Ryan, and Jenn. And Dunbar ends up helping them finish the boat, out of spite for the other team. Good one, Dunbar. I don't know who you are, or why you have that retarded name, but you're cool for that.

Geez, it's not too slanted, is it? LOL the gay dude is with the girls and the lesbian is with the guys. And the outcome is clear. The Dudes' Team wins. Paula's bitter, but I'm not sure what she expected. Of course they sold her up the river. They don't care about her!

B&C Baby of the Week

Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale may have a weird name, but he's really effing cute.

Can We Just Vote Already!?

As always, The Daily Show sums up exactly what I'm thinking. Can we just end it already!?

New 24 Trailer

Here's a link to the new 24 Season 7 trailer. Perfect for Halloween, as it says, "It's time to raise the dead." We get lots of Jack in sunglasses, a brief glimpse of Bill Buchanan (!), some Chloe, and a Jack/Tony fight. Is it January yet!?

Heroes

Arthur tells Peter his abilities are gone forever. Being The Most Powerful didn't last long for Peter, did it? I love Arthur and his Chicago accent, but damn he has all the powers. Not fair.

Mohinder The Fly takes off - literally. Grabs Maya and flies out of his lab, taking her to Pinehearst. Where Arthur sucks Maya's ability right out of her. Problem: solved. Maya leaves. Like really, really leaves? Do you promise!? BYE!!!!

Arthur asks Mohinder to work with him on the formula so that Mohinder can keep his new powers, but get rid of those nasty Fly side effects. In order to do this, Mohinder needs to experiment on people. Lab Rat No. 1: Peter. But Sylar shows up and BAM! Saves Peter! But then Mohinder jumps on Sylar, bashing his head into the floor and generally going ape-S. Arthur stops him, telling him Sylar's his son.

Claire and her mom come home to find Elle. Elle has lost control of her powers and is shorting out the joint. Mini cat fight! They both have Pinehearst business cards and decide to go there together to see if they can fix their problems. Elle and Claire are my new favorite lesbian couple. They're so cute together.

Arthur sends Daphne to kill Matt, after he kills Matt's dad. But she can't possibly kill him, what with all his creepy we-get-married-in-the-future talk. Knox shows up to check on them, and Matt makes Knox believe that he's killed them. He can make illusions? Oh yeah I guess his dad could.

Arthur tells Gabriel that Angela tried to drown him in the bathtub when he was born because she had a vision of what he'd become. Jesus. Mother of the Year that Angela Petrelli is. So now Gabriel is on Arthur's side. Only he might not be - because when he threw Peter out of a window, he used his ability to slow him down and break his fall.

African Dude tells Hiro he has to go back in time to prevent certain things from taking place. But he hates going back in time, because it never works out. So instead he does that Vision thing that Matt did.

Line of the Night: Bennet, when asked what Mohinder was doing. "Building a nest, laying eggs, who knows?"

Two weeks until the next episode - where we get a look at the past. Again.

Watchmen Trailer

Also available in HD. You can totally see Dr. Manhattan's junk!!! Not that I paused it or anything....

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Funniest Baby Ever!

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett welcomed their son Archie Arnett on Saturday in New York City.

Damn, she didn't make it until after the election. But at least she made it through all of those Thursday editions of Weekend Update!

Worst Week Ever

Oh. My. God. I HATE HATE HATE the new format of Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins. I love Paul, I do. But the host format sucks so hard for this show. I miss all my little guys and their little comments. Damn.

DONE

I'm Going To Vote Early, I Swear!

My friend Natalie sent me this glimpse of the future - apparently if I don't vote I'll be responsible for a McCain win. There's early voting in Florida, so I'm going to try to vote tomorrow!

Because I don't need "Jennifer = Loser" graffiti!

Click here for the site where you can customize the video. It's cute!

RW/RR: The Island

Poor Ev has no friends, unless you count that little bug she was petting. Ew.

Colie's still here!? Has she done anything all season? And now she's expecting to just sit back and get a key. Haha. This does not sit well with Johnny, the Bully of this season. Do you know how much I wish someone like Coral were there to smack Johnny down a few pegs? He really is a giant dick.

I love Paula: "I'm not anti-girl, I'm anti-stupid." The others girls all want to build a boat, but Paula wants the guys to take care of it. That's my kind of girl - lie back and let the men do all the work.

Face Off: Colie, Johanna, and Ryan. It's an endurance competition.

Winner: Ryan. He takes KellyAnne's key.

Bye-bye: Colie. She asked the jury to send her home. I didn't really follow the reasons behind that, but she was pretty much going to be sent home anyway. So maybe that's why she did it.

Only one Face Off left, and the four people without keys have to be in it. So someone with a key will definitely lose it next week.

B&C Flub of the Week

No, you were right the first time, McCain - Pennsylvania sucks.

Fringe

A woman is dumped out of a car, hangs out in a diner, and makes everyone's eyeballs bleed, including her own - until her head explodes all over the glass door. I love this show!!

I love that Walter refers to that chick's body as "the headless one." THIS IS THE GROSSEST SHOW ON TELEVISION BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY SHOWED THE HEADLESS BODY WHILE THEY EXAMINED IT!!!!! PUKE!!

Other than that, another good story about people being experimented on. We find out some stuff about Olivia's abusive-stepfather-she-shot.

Walter's Craving of the Week: Cotton candy. Blue, not pink. I love Walter!!

Moment Where I Wept: Pacey tells his dad to remember that Pacey's toothbrush is red. "White for Walter. That's me." I JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE THIS MAN!

Three whole weeks til the next new episode.

Prison Break

Michael drops the news on Sara that Gretchen's alive. Alive and joining up with the team because they need information that she and T-Bag have. Sara no likey Gretchen, because Gretchen tortured her ass and fake-decapitated her.

The Asian Guy's grounded because he lost the device in the casino. He texts the Big Black Assassin, asking how much he wants for Michael and Lincoln. The answer: a cool million.

This week's plan involved crashing into the Bad Bald Guy's limo, pulling him out, getting his card, etc. The whole thing goes pear-shaped when the Asian Guy rats them out. Sucre is shot, but Dr. Sara performs some icky surgery and saves him.

Gretchen offers Sara a cease-fire - and the chance to whip her like she had whipped Sara. Hot. Instead, Sara just lets her know she's pissed that Gretchen killed a guard who helped her escape. And that she will have her VENGEANCE!

The Assassin treats the Asian Guy the way any rat should be treated - he backs out on his end of the deal and shoots him in the knees. And the gut. The Gang shows up and Mahone beats the living crap out of the Assassin. Go Mahone! And R.I.P. Asian Guy.

Heroes

Last week, Hiro "killed" Ando, but of course it didn't actually happen. We find out that he staged it with a fake sword and fake blood, so he could infiltrate Knox and Daphne's little evil alliance thing. Thank goodness. Daphne gives Hiro his assignment: go to Africa and get that painter dude.

Daphne's next assignment is Matt. Or maybe his turtle. Because Matt and his turtle are in the airport. They meet up and she tells him about the company she works for, how she wants to recruit him. He tells her about the vision he had about them being married. She finds it "stalky" - good for her, it's creepy.

Claire goes off to find Meredith, who's with the puppet master dude, and Sandra goes with her. "One of us, one of them," Sandra says. Oh how sweet. Darling, go back to making cupcakes and raising show dogs, this can't end well for you. The Puppet Master has the greatest, creepiest power ever!!!!

He's got Meredith under his spell and then he gets Sandra. And Claire. Great job, ladies, you really stuck it to the bad guys. Russian Roulette time!! It happens predictably - the bullet hits Claire, she "dies", the Puppet Master's hold is released, and then she regenerates and knocks him out. Bennet comes to pick up the Puppet Master and asks Meredith for her help.

Knox takes Adam to see Papa Petrelli, still lying in bed all hooked up to machines. Arthur latches on to Adam's hand and freaking sucks the life force out of him or something!!! WHAT!? ADAM IS DEAD!? He has to be, he turned into a skeleton and crumbled to the ground. There ain't no coming back from that S. And now Arthur is alive and well and off to kick some Petrelli Family ass.

I'm pretty bitter, because I thought Adam was cool as S and had all kinds of potential, considering he was a funny little 400-year-old bastard with a big Company history. Oh well, I guess they're finally cleaning house on this show. But why did it have to be Adam!!??

Daphne shows up in Sylar's cell to spring him. He won't go because he wants to be good now, but she leaves her card - for the new Company, Pinehearst. Sylar goes to see Peter and frees him from his drug-induced coma, telling him their mother is in trouble, and he thinks he found a way to control the hunger. If he can control it, then Peter can. And they can just be two hotass superpowered brothers, without that pesky hunger to murder.

Angela's in a coma and Sylar asks Peter to look inside her head to figure out what's wrong. All Peter sees is a symbol, the logo for Pinehearst. Sylar and Peter have a superpowered fight, and Peter ends up winning, putting Sylar into a drug-induced coma and taking off to go to Pinehearst.

Nathan and Tracy show up at Scaly!Mohinder's lab/loft. They fill him in on how Dr. Zimmerman created her and the other Ali Larters, and how Nathan was given his power as well. He says he can help them, try to figure out how it was done, how to take it away. So he injects them, saying he's marking their DNA - but instead they both pass out. Oh Mohinder, you murdering bastard you.

Daphne shows up to Mohinder's. She says Pinehearst has already figured out how to give people abilities, and that they need to help each other. She passes along her card, and then finds Nathan and Tracy being held in that room full of spiderweb cocoon things. She runs off, presumably to tell someone and try to get some help for them. Otherwise that's just rude.

Tracy uses her freezing power to break out of her restraints and free Nathan, but Mohinder catches them.

Peter's a little shocked to see his dead daddy alive. Daddy hugs him -- and takes away his abilities. And absorbs them for himself. So now Peter is powerless and Arthur is the most powerful person on the show. This Petrelli Family is really effed up.