Battlestar Galactica Was Pretty Good

There was a nice big Tigh/Adama verbal/fist fight. Bonus points for Adama's use of the word "banging". Apparently Tigh's been banging the Six and now she's pregnant. But Cylons couldn't procreate before. So what's the deal now? They pretty much just dropped that nugget and moved on without more explanation.

The Fleet is in need of a President since Roslin disappeared. And it looks like it's going to be... Lee Adama. Oh finally he'll get something to do this season!

Now Leland (ha!) Adams is Prez. And William Adama is stepping down (because he's not objective about the whole missing Roslin situation) and putting Tigh in charge of the military. Because he's going to hang out in space by himself waiting for Roslin. Hopelessly devoted, that one is.

It's Cool to Pee Your Pants

B&C Positive Thinker of the Week

I was just behind a car with a bumper sticker that read, "My kid has more chromosomes than yours."

Way to spin that into a positive.

Lost: Boom

"Who's in the coffin?" is the new "What's in the box?" Tonight we start with the answer. It's Jeremy Bentham. Well who the eff is that??

The Sayid/Big Cool Bad Dude fight was one mother of a fight. That thing was awesome. Because Kate and Sayid helped to free Ben, they are allowed to leave the Island on the helicopter. Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer also board the copter. But we know Sawyer isn't one of the survivors. So he ends up jumping off the copter (it's losing fuel and they need to lose weight) after kissing Kate and asking her to do something we can't hear.

The C4 that's on the freighter? Is wired to the Big Cool Bad Dude's heart monitor - he dies, it blows. Ben knows this but stabs him to death anyway. As Ben says, "So?" LOL Ben. Unfortunately, Jin and Michael are on the boat when it blows. It's quite horrible - Sun on the helicopter screaming for Jin. Everybody else got back on the helicopter after it was repaired. So there's your Oceanic Six.

Locke and Ben head into the newest of the million Dharma stations. Which is complete with a creepy Dharma video that cuts off mid-sentence, in true creepy-Dharma-video fashion. The station was used for time and space experiments - time-traveling bunnies to be more specific. Ben gets in his parka (the one he was wearing when he woke up in the middle of the desert some weeks back) and sends Locke back above ground to lead Ben's people. Ben crawls around in the time-travely shafty thing and "moves the island." There is a bright light and a splash in the water as the Island disappears from the view of everyone on the copter. The copter runs out of fuel and goes down.

The Future Bits: I'd like to say welcome back, Walt. He really grew the hell up. He looks totally different. Nice that they could find him a role in the Future Lost Universe. He visits Hurley and tells him that this Jeremy Bentham came to see him, and he wonders why everyone is lying. Sayid visits Hurley to tell him Jeremy Bentham died. Sun goes to see Widmore to make some kind of deal with him.

Jeremy Bentham is.... John Locke. Jack went to see the casket and Ben was there. Ben said he knows Jack wants to go back to the Island, but that they all have to go back together, including Locke's dead body. Next season's plot: we're getting the band back together!!

Our Final Tally:
Jin: Blowed up.
Michael: Blowed up.
Island: Disappeared.
Oceanic 6: Rescued by Penny's boat. Staged their rescue on another island.
Desmond and Penny: Reunited. Desmond and Penny FOREVER! Yay!!!!!
Jack: Solidified his spot at the top of my list of TV Characters I Wish Would Commit Bloody Suicide. Population: 1.

Bonus: We had a commercial for Octagon Global Recruiting - a new Lost tie-in. They are recruiting in San Diego July 24-27. Oh, I see, those are the dates and location of Comic-Con. See you there suckas!!!

Damn This Top Chef Ho

This thing has got to be rigged. They want a good chance of a female winner and now it's 3 chicks against Richard. But the chicks aren't any good. Alright, maybe Stephanie's not so bad.

As soon as Spike picked the frozen scallops I knew it was trouble. I yelled at him. You never cook with frozen food on Top Chef you idiot! And he used canned hearts of palm. So I suppose he deserved to go. But then again.....

I HATE LISA AND SHE SUCKS AND IN NO WAY DESERVES TO GO TO THE FINAL!!!!!!! Peanut Butter Mashed Potatoes sounds like the grossest thing ever. And she never seasons anything properly!!! How can she keep getting by on that!? At least she almost went home. She's been at the bottom 5 times. Ugh.

It was nice to see the past winners. I love it any time I get to see Harold, my favorite money-ass-chef-who-looks-like-a-serial-killer.

Clay Aiken is the New Michael Jackson

Clay Aiken is going to be a father, PEOPLE has confirmed.

"The story is true,” Bill Vigars, a Vancouver-based rep for David Foster, told PEOPLE Wednesday, of the TMZ.com report that Aiken, 29, impregnated David's sister, music producer Jaymes Foster, 50. "It is true Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She's due in August."

Aiken's reps have not yet commented.

You know how to best dispel rumors that you're gay? Artificially inseminate a chick. A chick named Jaymes.

Enjoy Bartending

How dumb do you have to be to screw up the gig as George Clooney's girlfriend? I don't care if he wanted you to have sex with his dead pet pig - you keep him happy, dumbass! Have fun going back to serving drinks.

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

The actor's rep, Stan Rosenfield, would only say: "We do not comment on George's personal life."

The pair initially met in Las Vegas nearly four years ago, when Larson, a onetime Fear Factor winner, was a cocktail server at The Whiskey Bar. But it wasn't until the pair met for the second time in June 2007 in Las Vegas that sparks flew.

Larson, 29, and Clooney, 47, made their public debut together at the Venice and Deauville film festivals last September. Later that month, the twosome were injured in a motorcycle accident.

Earlier this year, Larson accompanied Clooney to the Oscars – the first girlfriend ever to go with him to the event.

Red Band Trailers Rule

It seems red band trailers have gotten really popular over just the last two years. For comedies, they are a no-brainer. Sometimes you just really need the swears to sell you on a movie. I really hope Step Brothers is good.

Funniest CNN Post Ever

The international space station's lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go. So NASA may order an in-orbit plumbing service call when space shuttle Discovery visits next week.

Until then, the three-man crew will have to make do with a jury-rigged system when they need to urinate.

While one of the crew was using the Russian-made toilet last week, the toilet motor fan stopped working, according to NASA. Since then, the liquid waste gathering part of the toilet has been working on-and-off.

Fortunately, the solid waste collecting part is functioning normally.

That last zinger is brought to you by CNN.

Gratuitous Tuesday Gun Porn

Good lord. Maybe I don't understand "art" so I don't know what point the Details magazine photographer was trying to get across with these pictures. But I don't really care. Christian Bale + gun = a great Tuesday for me!

You Won't Believe What I'm Watching

There is actually a show on as we speak called Movie Preview Awards. It's literally an awards show for movie trailers. It's hosted by Sinbad (he's still alive!) so you know it's good. And it's the Ninth Annual show!!

The Dark Knight just won for Best Action Trailer. I might be sucked into this show.... It's a nice blend of low-rent trainwreck and actual entertainment (represented solely by the trailers).

ETA: Vantage Point just won for Best Thriller Trailer, and I can't imagine a more deserving candidate. As I previously commented, the trailer was well-edited and deceiving... it made the movie look good. Wow. This show is fun.

I Can't Wait To Move In

Once I finally get Brangelina to adopt me, life is going to be so sweet. They just bought this 35-bedroom "house" in France. The way I see it, they have about 27 bedrooms left once the twins get here. Plenty of space for me. And it has a moat! How awesome is that?

The pre-Roman estate boasts a swimming pool, billiards room, indoor pool, his-and-hers gyms, sauna and jacuzzi and a huge banquet hall. Magnificent cascading stone-walled terraces have been replanted with 13 different varieties of olives, and water is everywhere on the sprawling estate—20 fountains, aqueducts and a stream that runs through hidden tunnels, passes through the moat and fills the lake. Except for the ponies and goats grazing in the nearby fields, "the house is surrounded by a forest so they'll have total privacy, which is exactly what they're after," the source tells E! "No one will ever be able to get pictures of them relaxing at home, it's just impossible." The Jolie-Pitts hope to be completely moved in within the next three months, if not sooner.

More Comedy Fangirling

We saw Patrice Oneal last night. I was so happy because he was one of the few comedians left on my Comedians I Still Need to See Live list. (I think all that remain are Jim Norton, Bill Burr, Nick DiPaolo, Patton Oswalt, and Demetri Martin, but the list has been known to expand.)

Patrice was funny as hell. He is awesome because he looks like the kind of guy you just want to go up and hug, but he is so filthy you don't want to touch him. He says anything he wants and I loved it. There was a chick talking loudly (god I hate that - when comedians are doing their freaking jobs and people are rude). Well of course Patrice wasn't going to stand for that. He asked her to be quiet, she was a bitch, and he got her ass kicked out. You cannot try to heckle Patrice Oneal! I loved seeing that too.

He was awesome, I definitely recommend seeing him live, as long as you aren't the kind of person to be like, "Oh that was rude. That was inappropriate." And if you are, then you can go screw.

Best Line Ever

No Battlestar Galactica this week. WTF? Because of Memorial Day? So instead I offer the best line from last week's episode. Congratulations President Laura Roslin, you had the Best Line Ever! Me love you long time.

Indiana Jones... I'm Still Not Sure How I Feel About This

Before, during, and after seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull I had the same thoughts: Am I too cynical for Indiana Jones now? Is this nostalgia in a good way or in a bad way? I still don't know the answers to these mysteries.

It's the Indiana Jones I remember: corny, campy, cheesy. The stunts are obviously done by stuntmen. The sets are obviously fake, from the fake signs to the fake cobwebs. The lighting is fuzzy. The story doesn't make sense. Only now I think I'm too old for that S. Somehow with a movie like this when the story is confounding and the stunts are fake, I don't like it. Maybe I've been to Disney World too often and the whole thing comes across like the latest ride/stunt spectacular.

So if you're looking to relive your childhood, and haven't outgrown it, see this movie. For the record, Mike would give it a 68. Because he apparently works off a complicated 100-point scale. No easy 4-star system for him. And 68 isn't exactly a glowing review.

And if you see it I dare you to explain that plot to me. And the necessity of the opening sequence.

On the B&C Radar: Terminator 4

Of course this movie is on the radar due to Christian Bale. He pretty much guarantees that a movie is going to be good. ONE YEAR FROM TODAY this movie is due to be released. Please be at Comic-Con, please be at Comic-Con...

In the highly anticipated new installment of The Terminator film franchise, set in post-apocalyptic 2018, Christian Bale stars as John Connor, the man fated to lead the human resistance against Skynet and its army of Terminators. But the future Connor was raised to believe in is altered in part by the appearance of Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington), a stranger whose last memory is of being on death row. Connor must decide whether Marcus has been sent from the future, or rescued from the past. As Skynet prepares its final onslaught, Connor and Marcus both embark on an odyssey that takes them into the heart of Skynet's operations, where they uncover the terrible secret behind the possible annihilation of mankind.

I don't know what any of that means. I didn't make it past "Christian Bale".

So You Think You Can Dance Returns

I am beyond thrilled that this show is back. This is just what I needed in this television drought. It truly has the most talented competitors. The things these people do with their bodies are a-freaking-mazing.

Plus it's the best chance of seeing Asian contestants, because Asian B-boys are everywhere and are awesome. We even got Bonus Asians tonight: a ballroom pair! You don't see that very often. They were awesome. But my favorite dancers are the B-boys and the poppers. So fun.

Love love love when Mia Michaels judges because she is tough, hysterical, and always cries about something. The blind chick got her this time. Po, po Mia.

The auditions are fun to watch, but I can't wait for the real competition to begin!

Top Chef: Restaurant Wars

It's Restaurant Wars time on Top Chef. Where at least one team is guaranteed to crash and burn. The Asian (Dale) and the two people who work in Asian restaurants (Lisa and Spike) choose an Asian theme. Original. And it ends tragically.

Right away I know Dale is screwed because he's the Executive Chef for the team. Plus he has Lisa with him, and her favorite pastimes include throwing people under the bus and deflecting blame.

So, yeah, Dale's gone. This is a major bummer. A horrible result. Worst of all: Lisa remains after burying two of my boys!!! Dale was one of the best and Lisa suuuuuuuuucks. I HATE HER DIEDIEDIEDIE!

Dale, you're a Filipino Superstar! I love you, don't cry! I almost got choked up at the end. I love you, man.

The only good part of this episode was that Anthony Bourdain filled in for Daddy Tom. Love him. Line of the Night goes to him, although he was quoting a patron, when he said that the sticky rice was like "baby food topped with potpourri."

Apparently Something Happened Last Night

Wow, when I go cold turkey, I really go cold turkey. I haven't watched American Idol since I gave it up on March 6. And considering the final came down to The Horrible Rocker With The Comb-Forward and the Monchichi, I'm glad. If Chris Daughtry didn't win, no way in hell should David Cook win. Gross, gross, gross.

About Freaking Time

Looks like someone finally gave Kirsten Dunst what she deserves. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Greatest DWI Video Ever

Seriously. There are no words adequate enough to describe the greatness. Just watch and enjoy.

Oh Baltimore

I've really been missing DC lately. But you know what I don't miss? Baltimore. There was a horse race or something going on here, right?

On second thought... I miss Baltimore. They effing know how to celebrate an important horse race.

Goddamn There's Nothing Going On

The world is a sad, sad place when all I have to post is a rant on 90210. Since 50% of my reading audience asked about it, here goes.



Are you frakking kidding me?! This promo comes off like a bad Saturday Night Live parody. For real. And let me just say, that while the addition of a cast member from The Wire and/or Arrested Development is usually a good thing... Tristan Wilds and Jessica Walter WTFFFFFFFFFFF???????? I understand Tristan wants to show some range - but you're stretching in the wrong direction, kid. This is so ri-goddamn-diculous, I can't even watch it as a goof.

UNNECESSARY!! Aren't there already a bunch of 90210 spin-offs? Like, I don't know, The O.C., Gossip Girl, and Smallville?!

Damn That Shiloh is Cute

Of course Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is adorable. Gorgeous really. However, I was kind of disturbed by her similarity to Kate Hudson's kid, Ryder. Make that her SON, Ryder. Am I the only one who sees this?

Another Kickass Battlestar Galactica

The rebel Cylons offer the humans a deal - they will take them to the boxing facility so they can unbox the Xenas, she can reveal the identities of the Final Five, and then they can destroy the Resurrection Hub, rendering all Cylons mortal. Nice deal, right? Too bad neither side is really planning to stick to it.

We got a money bone saw in this episode too, as My Man Gaeta had his leg removed. The bone saw - second only to the dentist's drill for worst sound. My Man is going nutso, as recent amputees are wont to do, and so he spends the episode singing in Sickbay. At least he has a pretty voice. I couldn't help but think that all the other patients just want to tell him to shut the frak up.

Zinger of the Episode belongs to the President. She's telling Tory to get information out of Baltar (and she knows they're banging) so she says, "I don't really care if you have to spend the night on your knees praying, or just on your knees, I want a name." OH SNAP SON! Best. Line. Ever. I had to rewind that one.

Great ending, with Athena chasing her kid down and then killing the Natalie Six when she touches her because she's had dreams that a Six is going to take her. Intercut that with the President and Baltar going to the Cylon baseship to talk to the Hybrid. But when they plug the Hybrid in, she yells JUMP and the ship jumps away. Nice! Killer ending, back in the grand tradition of Battlestar Galactica.

Prince Caspian

Just got back from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Why did I see it? Two words: Prince Caspian. I think he's hot and the movie got over a 69% on Rotten Tomatoes, and apparently that's enough to get me in the theater!

I really enjoyed it. It had 600% more sword-fighting than the first one and 70% fewer talking animals. And I say that never having seen the first one. No thanks. The Lord of the Rings really maxed me out on dwarves, mythical creatures, moving trees, and epic battles.

This movie was darker and more violent than (what I've heard about) the first. So that was cool. Oh and did I mention Prince Caspian? Yeah, he's really really pretty. And my Favorite Midget Actor is in it too, which I didn't realize until I saw Peter Dinklage's name in the opening credits. I lurve him. But saying he's my favorite midget actor is a bit like saying vanilla is my favorite flavor of vanilla.

If you like implied beheadings, dark men with long hair, and little girls with drinking problems, then this is the movie for you!

Shows To Watch For

These two shows have been voted Most Likely to be on the Baloney & Cereal Radar Come September. Both brought to you by FOX. Too early to start planning TV viewing for Fall, you say? My bad. I guess I don't have the same life you do.

Dollhouse gets points for Joss Whedon, Eliza Dushku, and the Foo Fighters.


Fringe gets points for J.J. Abrams, Lance Reddick, and possibly ripping off The X-Files.

Lost: ???

I'm glad I didn't stay up to watch Lost live this week. I was too tired and nothing happened anyway and I would have been even more bitter.

Our Flash Forward gave us the Oceanic 6 coming home on a Coast Guard plane and having a press conference, lying about their crash and rescue. There isn't another adult - baby Aaron is considered one of the 6. At the press conference, Sun says Jin never survived the crash. Kate says Aaron is 5 weeks old and that she was 6-months pregnant when she was apprehended by the Marshal.

To me that doesn't add up, so there's got to be some kind of time discrepancy once they're off that island. Because Claire was 9 months pregnant when they crashed and Aaron is older than 5 weeks, yes? We already know there's some kind of time rift thing, who knows how big it actually is.

Jack has a memorial service for his father and says that his dad died 10 months ago. Well that's B.S. too since he died just before the plane crash. They can't have been rescued 10 months later with Aaron being 5 weeks old. Ugh. Who knows. Also, Jack finds out at the service that Claire was his sister.

Back on the island, Sayid's little boat makes it to the island and a few people go back to the freighter in the first wave. They include Jin, Sun, and Aaron. On the boat, a big load of C4 is found, and Jin sends Sun and Aaron out of the engine room. So if the thing explodes and Sun and Aaron survive, the exploded people will be Michael, Jin, and Desmond. No!

Other than that, everyone else is at the Orchid Station where S is going to go down. Part 2 in 2 weeks - 2 hours long. That's 2-2-2 - are the producers trying to tell us something?

Whatever, I hope it's good.

Top Chef HEARTBREAK

I am utterly heartbroken that Andrew, the White Rapper, was eliminated. He was MY MAN!!!!!

White Rapper's line of the day: "Either I'm gonna stab somebody or I'm gonna make some amazing food." Unfortunately he didn't do either. The challenge was to make a healthy lunch for cops. Boring challenge. White Rapper made sushi. Not exactly a filling, working-man's lunch. Oh yeah and he didn't use one of the required ingredients (a whole grain). And he didn't cook anything, and Daddy Tom never likes it when the chefs don't cook.

But oh how I love me a contentious Judges' Table. The Bottom Three were belligerent as hell tonight and really defensive. Uber-bitch Lisa threw Andrew under the bus for not using a grain. I HATE HER!!!!!!! No one sabotaged your rice, bitch! UGH! DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!

So, yeah, it's all about Dale and Richard at this point. And Lisa has to die a painful death. Me no likey.

B&C Kid of the Week

A 13 year old from Texas, who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The escort girls, who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr. Pepper, Fritos, and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys' age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

Hey motel clerk: BUZZKILL much? Jesus, they weren't hurting you!! Not only did they win a WoW tournament, not only did they hire hookers, but they came up with a completely plausible traveling-circus backstory. These kids are brilliant!

So full disclosure: the story is apparently fake. But I loved it so much I had to post it. It came out of the UK or something. Which is why I love the UK.

Apparently You CAN Believe Everything You Read

They're having twins. Lordy lordy. Enough with the kids, Ange! This is it, right?

In an interview that took place in Cannes on Wednesday with the Today show's Natalie Morales, airing tonight on Access Hollywood and tomorrow on Today, Angelina confirmed the baby news that has been rumored for months.
The twins will be the couple’s fifth and sixth children.

The X-Files 2 Trailer At Long Last

So here's the trailer. Just yesterday I was wondering when it was coming out. It's not that great really, although the music still gets me all tingly and I love a good quick-montage-set-to-choir-music as much as the next girl. What I did learn from this trailer is that Callum Keith Rennie is in the movie. He is my all-time favorite creepy-ass Cylon dude, so I'm sure he plays someone creepy in this. And that will be excellent.

MacGruber Rulz

I love MacGruber, always my favorite part of Saturday Night Live. But I love it even more when it co-stars Shia LaBeouf as MacGruber's gay son.

Have I mentioned I love Shia LaBeouf? He's right there with Jonah Hill and Justin Long on my list of awesome, funny young actors. Can they all make a movie together pls?

I Hate To Love John Mayer

God I hate the man's music. And his taste in women (Jennifer Aniston, really?). But the man is hysterical. And he can make fun of himself. Enjoy this look at how John Mayer makes music. Warning: F-bombs within.

Battlestar Galactica Finally Moves Along

Frak, the last few episodes have just been long and blah blah blah and set-up. Finally we get some action!!! Lots of gun pointing and shooting and killing. Excellent.

Plus we still get some blah-blah-blah in the form of Bald President Roslin and her thoughts on religion and death. That was actually interesting though because Mary McDonnell is such a great actress, she really sucked me in to those scenes.

But the real meat of the episode was all the action, centering around the Cylon offer of a truce. We open with a mutiny, Starbuck being overthrown because she wants to jump to a Cylon baseship for help finding Earth while everyone else wants to go home. There's a Mexican standoff and Anders shoots Gaeta in the leg, ensuring that Gaeta will lose that leg and that I will hate Anders forever.

Starbuck decides to instead take a Raptor to the baseship. Anders, Athena, and a random chick (Red Shirt alert!) go with her. I was hoping Anders would get his dumb undercover Cylon ass outed, mostly because he shot MY MAN!

So that crew jumps to the baseship and - shocker - the Red Shirt gets it. That's a little too predictable for this show. I'm disappointed. Six kills her, as revenge for the chick killing a Six back on New Caprica. Then there's another great Mexican standoff with Anders taking out some of his misplaced Frak-I'm-a-Cylon aggression and threatening to kill Six. The Gina Six intervenes and, in a pretty cool scene since the characters are played by the same actress, Gina Six kisses Six and then shoots her in the back of the head. NICE!

Starbuck visits the ship's Hybrid and the Hybrid tells her 3 things. A dying leader will know the truth of the Opera House. (So that's the Pres, I don't know what the truth is.) The missing 3 will give you the 5 who come from the home of the 13th. (That means the Xena Cylon knows the identity of the final 5 Cylons, who came from Earth and presumably know the way back.) And - oh yeah - Starbuck is the harbinger of death. So there's that happy news.

The baseship jumps to meet Helo and the gang with -20 seconds to spare. So now they can all travel happily back to Galactica.

Whew. A lot happened. Finally.

Heroes Season 3 Preview

There's nothing to see here, there really isn't. But that doesn't prevent me from watching it several times. Or squeeing over it. Or posting it as a fulfillment of my duty as a Heroes fan.

Thank God for the Reids

Best Sports Family Ever!

Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid's son was sent to state prison after admitting he smuggled 89 prescription pills into a county jail. Garrett Reid pleaded guilty to drug smuggling charges on Wednesday and faces a minimum of two years in state prison.

Reid is already serving time in the county jail for a heroin-fueled car crash that injured a motorist. Jail officials say he smuggled the pills inside when he surrendered last fall, just before his guilty plea to crash-related charges.

Another son, Britt Reid, 23, is in a county drug-court program after pleading guilty that same day to separate drug and gun charges.

source

Reid went into the home, got the pills and put them into two small plastic bags before stuffing them in his rectum and then went back to the probation offices.

You've got to love the man's commitment. 89 pills is a lot to stuff into your rectum, trust me.

more detailed, hotter source

Lost: Enough Already

God there was just way too much going on in this episode. Too many storylines, and as a result it feels like nothing really happened.

We're back to flashbacks, which suck. Baby Locke is born prematurely to a teen mother. The effing guy that recruited Juliet to the Island is there in the hospital. Woah. He shows up when Locke's a kid and says Locke is special and he runs a school for kids, like he's Professor Xavier or something. But Locke fails the bizarre-ass test and isn't special after all. From there it's all Woe is Locke's Life, bullied in high school. Lt. Daniels from The Wire/that-mystery-dude-from-earlier-in-the-season works at his rehabilitation facility. He's the one who suggested that Locke go to Australia, which is of course how Locke ended up on the Island.

The problem with this show is it's been 18 weeks since they focused on the freighter so now I don't remember why the Australian guy is helping Sayid and Desmond, let alone who he is. But he helps them get a lifeboat, which Sayid promptly sails off in. The Australian guy, who it turns out is the Captain, is shot by the main Military Dude, who I think is totally badass, who takes the chopper back to the Island.

Locke, Hurley, and Ben spent the whole time walking in the jungle looking for Jacob's cabin until they found it. Locke enters and sees Jack's Dead Daddy, who says he's not Jacob but can speak on his behalf. Claire is there too because of course Dead Daddy took her last week, and she's acting strange like she's not kidnapped. Locke asks Dead Daddy how he can save the Island. The answer: he wants us to move the Island. Oooookay.

As if there weren't enough storylines going on in one episode, they have the balls to go back to the beach. The chopper flies over them and the pilot drops a package for them, including a tracking device.

As if that weren't enough, there were like 3 different references to Hurley and food in this episode. Jesus, we get it. He's fat.

The episode sucked. But it had a great line. "Destiny is a fickle bitch." -- Benjamin Linus

Top Chef: Wedding Wars

Maybe I'll start blogging Top Chef now, since it's getting toward the end and nothing else is on. There are 4 guys and 4 girls left and - surprise! - I only like the guys. I freaking live for Andrew the White Rapper, and I also like Spike, Dale the Difficult Filipino, and Richard too.

The White Rapper continues to make me laugh. He said he got a "culinary boner" with this week's challenge. They had to cater a wedding, working for about 36 hours straight to get it done. He made 5-hours-worth of creamed spinach or, in White Rapper parlance, "Popeye's wet effing dream." I'm really in love with him, that's all there is to it.

The wedding turned out fine. The groom's cake looked like a cat litter box. Dale was deliciously bitchy and defensive during the judging: "You should have liked it, it took him 3 hours to cook it." Down, kitty!

In the end Nikki left and good riddance because all these chicks are overdue to leave.

Does Anyone Care About G.I. Joe?

Don't get me wrong... I used to make my G.I. Joes have sex with each other as much as the next girl, but a G.I. Joe movie? Unnecessary. They released some pics today. The highlights include Big Black Dude Holding a Big Ass Gun, One of the Wayans (meaning this movie is gonna suuuuck), and Christopher Eccleston (WTF is he doing in this shite movie??? Nooo!).

I Can Dodge Bullets Baby

Well, that wasn't such a close one after all. See, I told Mike NO WAY IN HELL was I going to see Speed Racer. This movie holds no appeal for me and looks like a bad acid trip. A couple days ago I agreed to a deal - I'll go see it if it gets a 69% or higher on Rotten Tomatoes. Well looky looky here, a whopping 30%. Sure, all the critics haven't posted yet, but there's no way it's gonna raise the score over 30 points. Looks like I'll be seeing Iron Man again and Mike will be seeing Speed Racer alone... if he dares.

Greatest Casting Ever

As if I needed more guys to crush on on Heroes, here's the latest casting news. I had the biggest frakking crush on him back in the day. I used to watch Scarecrow and Mrs. King all the effing time!!!

Bruce Boxleitner, who played Scarecrow to Sabrina Duncan's Mrs. King in the mid-80s, has snagged a top-secret recurring role that was originally going to be modeled after Sen. John McCain. The character has since been reconceived, and now all I know for sure is that he'll be sharing scenes with a female series regular.

By the way, although it may seem like Heroes is getting ready to force-feed us another batch of newbies, an NBC insider insists that's definitely not the case. Yes, the show is introducing some new faces next season, but the primary focus, my source maintains, will remain "on the core characters from the pilot."

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How Long Do We Give It?

Keep thinking this is gonna last! Nick Cannon is hilarious. (That's quoting something by the way, not my actual opinion.)

Yep, they did it! If there was any doubt Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding was the real deal, they answer the question once and for all in this week's issue of PEOPLE, speaking for the first time about their surprise nuptials – and showing off exclusive photos from their April 30 ceremony.

"We really do feel we are soulmates," Carey tells PEOPLE, following their sunset ceremony at the pop star's Bahamian estate. "I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me."

Cannon adds: "She is beautiful on the outside and 10 times as beautiful on the inside."

Transformers 2 Just Got a Lot Less Interesting

Booooooo.

Forget about seeing Jonah Hill transforming any time soon. Talks between DreamWorks/Paramount and Hill's reps have broken down and the actor won't be starring in Transformers 2 after all.

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The Dark Knight Trailer: Two-Face Appears

I got a new laptop and am having some fun playing with it. The first thing I download? The new trailer for The Dark Knight, which is available here.

It's all kinds of kickass, of course. But I paused it at one point and you can see Harvey Dent as Two-Face. Pretty cool. Earlier in the trailer, his face was held down against some pouring gasoline. And now you can see half his face is effed up.

So I experimented with my various software and here's your look at Two-Face. Don't say I never did anything for you.

Lost: Eh

When the main story is centered around two characters you can't stand, the episode ain't gonna be that interesting.

The flash-forward was all Jack and Kate, who are a couple now. And Jack's flabby. Ew. I don't need to see that on television thank you very much. I guess Kate likes fatties now. The flash-forward appeared to take place right as Jack was beginning his downward spiral into bearded alcoholism that we saw at the end of last season. Other than that we only got 3 bits of info: Jack proposed to Kate (Have I mentioned I hate them and they bore me?); Kate was off "doing something for Sawyer," who had chosen to stay on the Island; and Jack saw visions of Dead Daddy.

During the flash-forwards, I was all, "Can we please get back to the Island with Jeremy Davies, Sawyer, and Miles please because they are 1000 times more interesting?"

On the Island, Jack gets an appendectomy, which was as much fun to watch as it sounds. And Claire, Aaron, Sawyer, and Miles are trekking back to the camp. Claire wakes up in the middle of the night to see her dad (and Jack's dad) holding Aaron. In the morning, they are missing. Miles tells Sawyer he saw Claire and someone she called "Dad" walk off together (Miles communicates with ghosts, you'll recall, so cool that he saw Dead Daddy). Sawyer finds Aaron, but no Claire.

Just Something Funny for a Friday

I thought this was great... of course.

Well, Duh

Iron Man was awesome, people. As if I expected anything different. Robert Downey, Jr. pwns all. The end. Let the summer movie season begin!!