Quick Question

Fergie's definitely a dude, right?

(Sorry for the 2 vomit-inducing photos. Hope you skipped lunch.)

Big Brother: God Loves Us More Than He Loves Amber

OHTHANKGODAMBERISGONE!!! She went all-out with the begging to stay, and it made me ill. "I'm gonna try not to cry" - and then she started to cry on the word "cry"!!!! I feel bad for Jameka, but not for Amber. Hey, don't people usually get dressed up for evictions? Amber looked the worst she's ever looked. What does the future hold for Amber? "Inspirational speaker or nursing school." What happened to being a supermodel? Goodbye to the dumbest person I've seen on TV in a while. Can't wait for a few weeks from now when she finds out how much America despises her dumb ass.

Eric has now accomplished 18 out of 24 of America's tasks, and has made $30,000. Not too shabby. It was freaky how much Eric's brothers talk just like Eric. Same intonation and cadence, less-wild eyebrows.

The Head of Household competition wasn't going to end for a while. I recorded the Showtime show to find out who won; I'm going to try to avoid it online today. I bet Zach wins. Next week: double live eviction! Oooooooo!

The Official Doll of Baloney & Cereal

He's in the perfect stance and everything!

Latest Washington Scandal Makes Me Giddy

Senator Larry Craig, a Republican (naturally!), pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after an incident in an airport restroom. An officer was conducting a sting operation, as the bathroom had been used for "lewd conduct", which makes it like every rest stop in America I guess.

According to the police report, once in the stall, after having made eye contact with the undercover officer through the crack in the door, Craig tapped his right foot. "I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct…. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area." Craig also made some hand movements between the stalls. (Craig said in his defense that he has a "wide stance" when going to the bathroom. Yeah, that’s pretty damn wide. Also, he was reaching down to pick up a piece of paper. The officer notes that "there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper.") LOL, officer.

After identifying himself as a police officer and going to speak with Craig in private, "Craig handed me a business card that identified himself as a United States Senator as he stated, 'What do you think about that?'."

"Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, who has aligned himself with conservative groups who oppose gay rights. He has supported a federal constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Craig also has opposed expanding the federal hate crimes law to cover offenses motivated by anti-gay bias and, in 1996, voted against a bill that would have outlawed employment discrimination based on sexual orientation.

I’m not saying he’s gay – I’m just saying he wanted a handy in a men’s restroom.

Welcome to the Church of Big Brother

Last night, Amber taught me not to doubt God because it makes Him upset. Also, you should always have prayer sessions in the Diary Room in front of cameras. The Big Brother editors taught me that Gregorian chant soundtrack = someone's praying in the HOH Chapel. This time it was Jameka, whose prayers seem exhausting.

It was rrrreeeeaaaalllllyyyyy uncomfortable watching Eric put the moves on Jess. Too funny how he went for the mouthwash every time he planned to kiss her. But he was successful! Get some standards, Jess!

I was so happy when Amber lost the Veto competition that I actually applauded. "I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die." YES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! Amber crying count: 3, including once in the Power of 10 clip.

Eric wins the Veto and decides not to use it. PLEASE GO HOME AMBER!!! I think he should reach out to Zach, tell him they will all vote Amber out, and then have him on their side to make a move on Dick and Daniele. It's really getting too close now and that alliance has to be split up soon.

The Most Fun You Can Have in 16.5 Hours

Season One of Heroes is out today on DVD. You have until September 24 to catch up!

I Guess This Would Drive You to Suicide

Musical Chairs in the Bush Administration

Embattled U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned, senior administration officials told CNN Monday.

Alberto Gonzales was dogged by controversial issues including wiretapping programs and fired U.S. attorneys. President Bush is expected to make a statement about Gonzales at 11:50 a.m. from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where he has been vacationing.

Gonzales aides at the highest level and other top-level officials knew nothing about the announcement in advance, Justice Department sources indicated to CNN. They were not informed until a meeting this morning, sources said, when Gonzales acknowledged he would be reading a statement at 10:30 a.m. ET.

Bush will likely nominate Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff to the position, senior administration officials said. Chertoff has headed Homeland Security since 2005. He served as a federal appellate court judge, a federal prosecutor and as special counsel for a Senate committee investigating President Clinton's involvement in the Whitewater land development.

Big Brother Apparently Makes You Delusional

How else to explain Amber? The rest of the show was pretty boring (now I miss Jen), but the Amber segments were great.

God bless the editors. Amber says she could be a model (and wants to go on America's Next Top Model). She thinks she has a gorgeous face, great hair, a beautiful body, and a great personality. So they show her with her mouth open, with her lumpy bikini body, and shoveling food into her mouth. LOL, Big Brother. How sad that this woman doesn't realize how many people hate her, and her winning personality.

The last straw with this bitch was her prayer/conversation with God -- in the Diary Room!!!!! Stop talking to God while you're looking directly into a camera!!! She also said "God bless you" - to God. This woman is a lunatic and I want her gone.

Bizarro Story to Start the Week

Owen Wilson’s emergency hospitalization on Sunday was the result of a suicide attempt, The National Enquirer and Star Magazine are exclusively reporting.

Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Wilson’s house in Los Angeles around noon on Sunday.

Wilson has now been transferred from St. John’s to another Los Angeles area hospital. His brothers Andrew and Luke are with him. Andrew found him after the suicide attempt and called an ambulance. Both of Owen’s wrists were slashed superficially and Owen had taken an overdose of pills. Owen was found with a nearly empty bottle of pills next to him. He was at his house in Santa Monica.

Owen is said to be in stable condition at the moment.

Wow, who saw this one coming?

Wanna Make Ten Bucks?

I'll give it to you if you can make sense of this blithering-idiot Miss Teen USA contestant.

Why I Can't See "Resurrecting the Champ"

Because Samuel L. Jackson's character sounds exactly like Tyrone Biggums. "I smoke rocks!"

Random Pop Quiz

On The Cosby Show, Rudy was singing a song with the lyrics, "Baby do it to me all night long." When asked by her father, what did Rudy think "it" was?

Big Brother Loses Some Boobage

I found out yesterday afternoon that Jen had had a freakout during the week. I knew she had destroyed Dick's cigarettes - didn't know she threw them in a trash can with bleach (LOL!). And she ate real food while she was on slop. That's great too! I guess she figured she was going home so was all, F this, I'm eating a bun-less turkey burger with my bare hands! I was giddy with delight when Jen and Dick got in their fight. I was squealing and had to watch it twice. She grabs his cigarette and then tried to say that he's burning her on purpose. Well, yeah, it's hard to avoid burning you when you're grabbing the lit end of the cigarette. I'm surprised that she received a "penalty vote" for breaking the food rule and not for destroying Dick's property. But I guess BB could just replace the cigs. {ETA: They did replace them. Also, apparently the live feeds show her punishment was actually for the destruction of property; it was edited to look like she was punished for breaking the food rule.} She's a psycho, but I will miss her. And her stripper glitter.

I'm sorry, their roots are still bothering me. You could really see Dani's during her Power of 10 segment. And Amber's are horrific because she has that horrible you-know-it's-crunchy curly hair with highlights and now an inch of dark roots sits at the top. I realize Jen's hair got darker, but I have a hard time believing all the girls got touch-ups. It looks like Jessica tried to touch hers up but didn't quite match the color.

In live feed news, Eric has been caught masturbating at least 3 times. He just does it in bed!! Use the shower, toilet, or jack shack, dude!

Reading Comprehension Clearly Not My Thing

In perusing the entertainment news over the past couple of days, I saw several stories about Ryan Seacrest and the Emmys. I didn't realize until just now that the stories were about him hosting the Emmys. This oversight could have been caused by my hatred of Ryan Seacrest preventing me from fully reading the story. Also, I just figured it was about him hosting the pre-show. The actual show??? ICK! What does he have on FOX execs that they keep giving him these jobs?! Like the Super Bowl wasn't bad enough!

Ryan Seacrest may be accustomed to hosting just about everything – from American Idol to his radio show – but the busiest man in show business is nervous about his latest gig as host of the 59th Primetime Emmy Awards.

"I'm scared because it's a room full of actors who probably hate me, " Seacrest said during his KIIS-FM radio show on Wednesday.

But all jitters aside, Seacrest said he is looking forward to his most recent resume builder. "I'm going to have a good time hosting that thing," he added.

Producers are hoping the audience will have a good time as well, and that Seacrest will "serve as a magnet for attracting a diverse array of viewers to our Emmy telecast," according to Dick Askin, chairman and chief executive officer of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.

The 59th Annual Primetime Emmys will air on FOX Sept. 16.

Deion Sanders is an Idiot

If you’re up for a laugh, read this great commentary on the Mike Vick situation by Neon Deion. Here are some excerpts, with my commentary. Excuse me while I rant for a minute or two.

What a dog means to Vick might be a lot different than what he means to you or I. Hold on, don’t start shaking your head just yet. Listen to me. Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You’re probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest. {Really? What about the ones that weren’t the baddest – the ones he killed?!} Maybe, he identified with them in some way.

{Is his point that some people don’t love animals that much so then it’s OK if they mistreat them? So I'll take that rationale and extend it to people. Since I don't like people as much as some people do, I should be able to treat them any way I want (gouge their eyes out, murder them, etc.).}

Why are we indicting him? Was he the ringleader? Is he the big fish? ... Was he wrong? Absolutely. Was he stupid? Can’t argue with that. Was he immature? No doubt. But is he the ringleader? I just can’t see it. {And as we all know, in our criminal justice system, if Deion Sanders can’t see it, then it’s not true. Also, stop asking so many damn questions.}

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. {Some people have a passion for cocaine. Hitler had a passion for Aryans. Doesn’t make it legal.} I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win. {Right. The dog DIES, idiot. And that's wrong.}

It reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain or the biggest, baddest car. It gives you status. {STATUS? You’re making an analogy between wearing jewelry and fighting dogs??? Really?}

Can I pause for a moment to ask you a question?

Who shot Darrant Williams? Remember the Denver Bronco cornerback? I’m just more concerned about bringing to justice someone who killed a human. {This case has nothing to do with Mike Vick’s case. It’s not like the cops working on the Williams case picked up and moved to Virginia to deal with the Vick situation, you dolt.}

We’re attacking this dogfighting ring the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school (by the way parents, make sure you monitor your kids). {I don’t understand this analogy AT ALL. But thanks for the tip.} We should have the same passion for man that we have for man’s best friend.

How will this end up? I have no idea. All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick’s backup is Joey Harrington. Enough said. {Oh, OK, so if the Falcons had a better backup then it would be OK. But since they need Vick, we should let him off the hook.}

God bless and God willing I’ll hollah at you next week. {Die.}

Big Brother: God Is Dead

Score one for the atheists!! Amber said God told her that she would win the POV competition. Either God doesn't exist, or God lied. Either way, that's not good news for the Pope. The mouthbreather must have had a meth flashback.

I want Amber gone (crying count for the night: 5), but tragically Danielle took her off the block and put up Jen instead. Jen started out a pain in the ass, but lately she's just a boring whiner. Danielle wanted Amber to agree not to put her up if Amber wins HOH. But Amber's mouth runs as much as her tear ducts - she basically says she'll do whatever Danielle wants her to do, she'll never nominate Danielle ever, and will even vote out Jameka if that's what Danielle wants. Wow. Amber is a lunatic. And of course she swore -- on her daughter's life.

I love this stage of the show because the roots start showing on all the blondes and they have to find new and creative ways of covering them up. I hope their stylists gave them some touch-up color. Because I'm sick of Danielle's bandannas.

Can't wait to see dumb Amber on The Power of 10. Kudos on the cross-promotion, CBS.

NOW I Find Mandy Moore Hot

It's amazing what dark hair and tattoos will do for a girl.

Heroes and 24 Casting News

Kristen Bell from Veronica Mars is joining Heroes for a multi episode arc.

Bell will make her Heroes debut some time in October. She’ll play Elle, a character described as a sexy, mysterious young lady who has ties to the supposed death of Peter, H.R.G.’s past, and the future of Claire.

I don't know anything about this chick, but I know Houman's a little siced, along with the rest of the nerd universe.

Janeane Garofalo is joining the cast of 24. She will be a regular playing a government agent who is part of the team investigating the crisis befalling Jack Bauer and Co. in the upcoming season.

I thought the producers tried not to go for recognizable actors. They don't get much more recognizable than Janeane Garofalo.

Fulfilling My Constitutional Obligations

I hope you all appreciate what I had to do in order to fulfill my civic duties and serve my jury duty. I had to sit with the dregs of humanity for 11 hours waiting for them to call the number 59.

I got to the courthouse at 7:30 AM. We started with over 700 people, all listening for their number to be called. This is apparently harder than you would imagine. So many degenerates had to be called several times. I don't know how that Clerk deals with these people day in and day out. They couldn't follow simple instructions like, "write down the name of your judge" or "line up here". Ugh.

My number wasn't called until after lunch, at 1:30 PM. I was sent to a courtroom (after an hour wait in a hallway) with probably 40 people. There were 2 cases picking a jury concurrently. The last jury was picked at 6:30 PM, and I wasn't on it. Dagger too because I would have loved the hot teen sex cases. One dude was 24 and had sex with a 16-year-old. The other jacked off in front of a child under 16. That would have been good times.

So I served my time and MISSED MY F-ING FANTASY DRAFT!!!!! I feel so patriotic. Now I have to catch up on all my Hollywood gossip and see what that disaster Britney's been up to. She can get a lot done in 24 hours.

God is Watching Big Brother

Damn! I was all set to keep track of Amber's crying spells, and her tears virtually dry up! She was off to a really strong start with 4 crying episodes in 15 minutes, but then that was it! At least they had that nice montage showcasing her lack of a vocabulary. LOL.

I want a running tally of Eric's winnings as America's Player, because the boy is racking up the successes. I hope Eric has to give his "woobie" to Dick so that Dick goes "WTF?" and throws it in the toilet.

Amber and Jameka are the nominees for eviction. God already told Amber that she's going to win the Power of Veto. I wish Amber could tell me how the show ends up so I can stop watching.

I Am McLovin

OMG, Superbad was absolutely hysterical! I haven't laughed this hard and this continuously since seeing Borat in the theater. If you need a laugh as badly as I did, please go see this film immediately.

The movie may sound like your typical teenage-boys-on-the-quest-for-beer-and-poon tale, but it's by far the best of those movies that I've seen. It's really realistic - the dialogue is natural, you can imagine most of this stuff happening. And most of all, the girls are cool. They are real girls that you can actually see as being attainable by these dudes. And ultimately, it is a love story between the two guys, who couldn't be cuter.

Jonah Hill and Michael Cera are hysterical, of course. And the McLovin storyline is great too. I need to see it again to get some of the lines down. But I know I will at least be using "I'd give my middle nut to..." regularly.

And Now, the Greatest Look Ever Made in the History of Reality Television

Big Dancing Chef

Last night was a jam-packed night of television for me, and I stupidly stayed up late so I could watch all of it.

I've got to say, I was happy with Big Brother. As much as I HATE Dick, this is interesting stuff. Dustin gets evicted instead! (The look on his face was priceless he was so shocked - and then the cameraman stupidly cut away.) And Dick reached out to Eric for a Dick-Danielle-Eric-Jessica alliance. Maybe just in time too, since Danielle got Head of Household. (Note to the chicks: keep wearing tube tops when you're winning HOH and jumping up and down. Do it for Houman.)

Eric is so pissed at America: "Surprise, surprise, it's Dustin!" He has to vote Dustin out, but is such a great manipulator that he convinces Jessica that's the way to go. Not that it takes much skill to manipulate Jessica.

The only thing I'm bitter about is that my girl Jameka is going to end up getting screwed if that alliance holds together. I hope Eric brings her along for a while.

Sabra won So You Think You Can Dance! FACE! She was my girl. I thought the Top 4 ended up ranked just as they should have been: 4) Lacey and her ass; 3) Neil, who finally said hi to his girlfriend, making me jealous; 2) Danny; and 1) SABRA! That 2-hour finale was the Most Entertaining Reality Show Competition Finale of All Time. They had all the great dances from the season re-performed (and my girl Sara was up there a lot). I'm so glad I watched this season. Like Project Runway, these people have actual talent and it's awesome to watch.

It was the episode of Top Chef where the contestants have to open two restaurants. And these restaurants were lame-o. I might not know much, but I know that you don't have scented candles in a restaurant. Jackasses. And I thought a gay guy would have more taste than that crappy decor in The Garage. The other restaurant didn't seem horrible to me, apart from Brian's freaking out and Tre's over-smoked potatoes.

Mike totally called that they were going to call out the teams, send them each back, and then tell them they get a do-over. Mike has the Sixth Sense for Reality Shows. They get to try again and open two more restaurants. Let's hope they learn from their mistakes and that my man Tre just wins this thing already.

See, Howie Really DOES Love the Ladies

Backstreet Boy Howie Dorough and his longtime girlfriend, Leigh Boniello, are engaged, the couple tell PEOPLE exclusively. They plan to marry later this year.

The proposal to his "soulmate" was carefully planned in a matter of days. Dorough says he looked "at least 40 or 50 diamonds" before he prepared his "Will you marry me?" speech while he and an unsuspecting Boniello were on an annual benefit cruise.

Howie knows that the ladies love diamonds and fireplaces.

Alright, I'll See "Wanted"

You had me at Angelina shooting guns on a Viper.

My Hatred for Bear Grylls Knows No Bounds

I've always preferred Survivorman. This fake ass SUCKS!!!

Big Brother: Dick Is An Ass (Surprise!)

Dick is nuts. He woke everyone up by barging into their rooms and banging on a pot and berating them. He is such a prick. He doesn't have to try this hard - people hate you already, dude. Immature ass.

Daniele's big blowout about getting crapped on because of her dad was good. Especially since she was half doing it as strategy.

Jessica is dumb as a box of rocks. Really. Glad to see she's an independent thinker. Not at all! First Jen plants it in her head that Dustin and Dick are working together. Jess is all, "I knew it." Even though that's a load of bull. As if Dustin could be in league with a guy that constantly calls him "Princess." Then she interprets Eric's America-imposed silent treatment as him being in cahoots with Dick and Dustin. She's so off base it's hysterical!!

I already knew that Dick won The Golden Power of Veto (I still HATE that name), so that took the drama out of that last-second win. Dick uses the Power of Veto on Daniele and now it's him against Dustin. This could totally backfire. People are saying that the producers are really involved this year and that they led the houseguests to evict Kail last week. This will be the ultimate test of how much the producers F with the show. If it is up to them, Dick will stay. We'll see if Jess is dumb enough to get people to vote for Dustin.

Also -- Eric. Totally looks like my cousin David. It really creeps me out now that Kim mentioned it.

Monday Night Reality

Lauren and Pasha are out on So You Think You Can Dance. I'm fine with Lauren, even though I think Lacey and her ass should have gone home before her. Pasha isn't a solo dancer.

I love how they went on Lockdown to give the results, like this is the Situation Room. Is Pasha gay, or just Russian? My gaydar is confused with Neil as well. Anyway -- go Sabra!!

As for Hell's Kitchen, unless they bring big sickly Asian Aaron back, I hereby pledge NEVER TO WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN! It's just so shoddily put together. When the show went to commercial before the announcement of the winner, the music made it sound like someone was deciding whether or not to drop a nuke. I was singing DUN DUNDUNDUN DUN DUN DUNDUNDUN DUN DUN all during the break. It was just a lot of build-up and convenient editing for an obvious result. No S Rock won! He was my man.

Dick is a Big Bother

OMG Dick is a NIGHTMARE! I hate Dick most of all for picking on Jameka. When was she ever dishonest? Maybe she was and I missed it. He's a sore f-ing loser.

Do they have to play organ music every time Jameka prays? Let the girl pray - it calms her down so she doesn't haul off on Dick. Amber praying was hysterical though because she was having a loud-ass conversation with God. Does she have to narrate her life out loud?

Danielle and Dick are nominated, so now Dick is on a rampage. Great. He said he'll make the house hell and make all the girls cry. He's awful. I hope they just walk away when he starts berating them.

Back on the Big Brother Bandwagon

After last night Big Brother 8 has been reinstated as a series recording on my DVR. I want Dick to go down and I don't want to miss it.

They didn't show Amber badmouthing Jews (dagger!), but they did show her blowing up at Eric. Eric was a real douchebag when he told Dick he knows something about Amber that he's keeping in his back pocket. But Amber's a bigger douchebag for twice lying to her boyfriend about being pregnant. Amber had a nice confrontation with Eric -- in front of everyone. But it wasn't perfect for 2 reasons: 1) Amber's mouth-breathing puffy-eyed meth face and 2) Eric's goddamned nipple rings.

Dustin gets 10 points this week for lying to Dick's face and saying he voted to evict Eric. Nicely done Dustin!! I would pay money to watch Dick fume all day. I hate his guts. Now Jessica's HOH and it's 5 against 3. (For now.)

Eric would have stayed in the HOH competition if that idiot robot Julie Chen hadn't screwed up by calling him "Nick" (the answer to the question). It's a battle as to who is worse - Julie Chen or Ann Curry. They're like Ron Burgundy - if it's on the teleprompter they will read it.

Wow! She's Only 50?

Holy Crap!

Is Bridget Moynahan giving birth to a triangle? What kind of pregnant belly is this?

I Know They Can Dance

The video quality stinks, and it's probably illegal, but this is why Sabra and Neil need to win this thing!!! They are sick. I'm so glad they were paired together because they were amazing! The final move in the Paso Doble? The way he slow-motion vaulted over her in the Jazz number? SICK I tell you!

Happy Birthday Owen!

I can't believe you're 2! I remember getting the call 2 years ago at work and running to the Metro to drive up to Pennsylvania. You're such a big guy now. Love ya!

Big Brother 8 Report

OK, so I do like the late-night whispery conniving, lying, and backstabbing. After a couple weeks off, I watched the show Sunday and last night.

Jessica's such a typical chick - tell her something and she runs and tattles. It's funny.

I love Jameka. Of course you don't give up your own money to save one of these idiots! Bad enough she had to give up 5 HOH competitions. It was high comedy to have Jameka crying and praying in the corner while Jen walks into frame whining about her bunny suit.

Dick is an a-hole of the highest regard. And not in a good-reality-show-villain way. He's truly mean. And a groveling dick. Going to Jen and apologizing and calling a truce just so she does what he wants. He's so verbally abusive it has to backfire on him eventually.

Was Jen just trying to stir things up when she told Jess that Eric talks S about her? Or does he really? Either way, Jess believed her, then ran and told Dustin and Jameka. They didn't buy it, so Jess changed her mind. At least she thinks for herself!!

I hope Eric can get everyone on his side. It really all comes down to Chipmunk Jess. But would Eric just cover up those nipple rings already? They make me nauseous.

I Knew I Liked Rock

Rahman "Rock" Harper is the Executive Chef at B. Smith's in Union Station.

Hell's Yes! I love that place. No wonder he made fried chicken and crab cakes last night - those are the best things at B. Smith's. Go Rock!

My Burning Hatred for Hell's Kitchen Flares Up

I thought last night was the last f-ing episode. It wasn't until halfway through that I realized they hadn't even started cooking for the final service yet. OMG - it was only part 1!!!!!

The rigged final contest pissed me right off. Oh what a surprise! The owner of the restaurant has to break a 3-3 tie. That wasn't rigged at all! If it had been 4-1 they wouldn't have even brought the owners out. Goddamn I hate how obviously rigged this show is.

Robin Leach is massive.

Horsefaced Jen came back with all her dramatics. Julia cried like a baby. I used to like her, but she was crying like a spoiled brat. She really thought she'd make it to the Final 2? Really?

So it's breaking down as guys v. girls and they're trying to make it seem like Bonnie is a fighter but there's no way she can beat Rock. This show is depressing because it's making me conduct some self-analysis. Why am I watching something I hate so much? I suppose it's because Mike wants to. He owes me. Big time.

Hawaiian Television Stinks

The call letters KUNT have been approved for a low-power digital television station in Wailuku, Maui. The same station owner also received KWTF for a station in Arizona.

The call letters were among a 15-page list of new call letters issued by the Federal Communications Commission.

KCUF-FM near Aspen, CO has been on the air since December.

Dueling Movie Weekend

In one corner, a cerebral action flick; in the other, a dumb comedy. The good part is, either way, you win.

The Bourne Ultimatum was awesome. Did you expect anything less? Shaky camera work, international locations, realistic car crashes, brutal hand-to-hand combat, tailing people, shaking tails... I'm not sure how much more you could want. Oh yeah, how about the kickass Jason Bourne music. To quote a wise man, "I used to think Matt Damon was a Streisand, but he really rocks the S out of Jason Bourne."

Hot Rod is dumb - but definitely funny-dumb and dumb-funny. It's about the requisite man-child who acts like he's still 12 and hangs out with friends with retro-kitsch tee shirts. Random humor. Montages. Rock ballads. Again, pretty much everything you could hope for.

My Brush With Fame

Here is a dramatization of my sighting of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Exhibit A In My Divorce Proceedings

Or, How I Almost Had Dinner With The Rock.

So Mike and I are eating dinner at Lucille's tonight. A lovely dinner. When I got up to leave, I noticed that the guy behind me had big, jacked-up arms and awesome tribal tattoos. I didn't look at his face. When we got to the parking lot, I saw a huge pimped-out Escalade sitting on 26's and was all, That's a bigass car. That was when Mike decides to tell me that The Rock was in the restaurant. Indeed, Mr. Tattoo was The Rock.

I AM LIVID!!!! How can we sit through the whole meal and leave the restaurant without him telling me it was The Rock??!! It wasn't like I was going to say anything to him. I wasn't going to bother him. But I definitely would have taken note when we left. Then I'd have a great story for you. "He was sitting with so-and-so; he was eating such-and-such." Now all I can report is that he has big arms, tattoos, and a big car. Like that's an F-ing scoop. And that story would definitely beat any of Houman's million Real World sightings or The-chick-from-Scrubs-warned-me-about-parking-my-car stories.

Our marriage is a sham. If he can't tell me when we're sitting next to a celebrity, how can I ever trust him again? At least if he had banged a stripper he wouldn't be doing it in front of my face. I am deeply saddened.

Now that I know The Rock is back at home, I will commence with the stalking.....

You Feel That Sting, Big Boy?

Forget Ron Mexico, Marsellus Wallace is the real problem.

A 40-year-old man was mauled to death by as many as four dogs at the home of Ving Rhames on Friday, authorities said. The victim, who hasn't been identified, had worked at the actor's home for about two years and was responsible for caring for the dogs, said Los Angeles Police officer Sandra Gonzalez.

Police got a call at 7:15 a.m. from someone reporting a dead body at the home. The victim was found on the front lawn, she said.

Rhames wasn't at home when the attack occurred, she said.

Oh, So That's What Chris O'Donnell's Been Doing

Chris O'Donnell and his wife Caroline Fentress are preparing to add yet another child to their ever-growing brood – their fifth.

The 37-year-old actor married Fentress, a schoolteacher, in 1997. Their four other children are Lily, 7, Chip, 6, Charlie, 4, and Finley, 16 months.

Chris Hansen Gets Chris Hansened

To Catch A Chris Hansen - Watch more free videos

Killer -- I Mean Tweener -- Gets Off Easy

The judge just ruled in the Lane Garrison drunk driving trial: "I intend to remand Mr. Garrison today to the Department of Corrections for diagnostics."

Garrison's lawyers had asked the court for a "diagnostic." That means Garrison will be sent to a California prison for 90 days, where shrinks and others will determine if Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation.

Sources say behind closed doors, the D.A. vehemently opposed the judge's order, favoring four years hard time instead.

If the judge goes along with the defense request, the smart money is that the shrinks will say Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation and the judge will agree. That would mean Garrison would serve 90 days.

So You Think You Can Dance Rocks My World

I was dancing all over the living room after Pasha and Sabra's quick step last night. I DO think I can dance!

Here's how I rank the 4 remaining girls and guys, lowest to highest. Keep in mind they are all awesome so it's hard to choose.
4) Lacey was my favorite for a while but these other girls are better.
3) Lauren has done really well these last few weeks.
2) Sara's only #2 because #1 is so awesome. But Sara's great because she's a b-girl who has mastered other dances, all while wearing high heels she had never worn before. I think she's shown the most growth.
1) Sabra. The girl can simply do no wrong. She is amazing to watch. And she only started dancing when she was 16!!

The problem with the guys is that I don't love any of them and don't think any of them should win.
4) Dominic has done really well for a b-boy, but is the weakest of all of them.
3) Pasha - I don't like hammy, Russian Pasha. He's good, but just too corny for me. "I want make the sexy for you."
2) Danny is technically very good, but there's just something I don't like about him.
1) So that leaves Neil. He's the best of the dudes I think, but I don't think he's the best overall. I wish it could be an all-female Top 4.

Backstreet's Back.... Alright!

Ugh. I'd rather hear from the empty pair of shoes. Don't forget - Howie loves the ladies! (Click for a bigger picture - WTF happened to AJ? Get back on the drugs dude!)

The Backstreet Boys are carefully plotting their comeback after a two-year layoff! Brian Littrell, Nick Carter, AJ McLean and Howie Dorough will be releasing their new single “Inconsolable”, a piano-heavy rock ballad, to radio on August 27th. The empty shoes represent Kevin Richardson leaving the group last year.

Their as-yet-untitled sixth studio album will be out on October 30th.