R. I. P. 24

Dagger. But there's still time to bring back Tony!!!

It’s official: 24’s time is up.

Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe) confirmed via Twitter that “we [just] got the word officially… this is 24’s last season.” Former exec producer/director Jon Cassar also tweeted that the crew “has been told that 24 has come to an end. There will be no season 9. It’s been a great run.”

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Lost

We get some old-fashioned flashbacks (in fact, this episode's practically one big flashback) since we're getting Richard's story tonight -- and Richard's been the same age since 1867. Back in 1867, Richard's wife was very sick. He went to see an a-hole doctor, and when Dr. A. Hole wouldn't help him, he struggled with him and accidentally killed him. By the time he made it home, his wife was dead, and he was arrested.

Richard is set to be hanged, but is instead sold as a slave and put on the Black Rock (property of Capt. Hanso). The ship wrecks on the Island and Smokey attacks, killing everyone but Richard. Richard can't get loose from his chains, until eventually The Man in Black (does he have a name? The Original Smoke Monster?) comes to him. Richard had a vision that his dead wife was alive and on the Island, and says he'll do anything for Original Smokey if he helps him save her.

O.S. sends Richard to kill "the devil" in the statue, who has his wife. "The devil" is of course Jacob, who fends off Richard and then has a lovely conversation with him. Jacob brought the Black Rock to the Island because the Island contains an evil that must be kept on the Island. Jacob hires Richard on as his liaison to those brought to the Island, and in exchange Richard will live forever.

We see present-day Richard at the beginning and end of the episode, and he has no idea what to do with himself since everything Jacob ever said was a lie. He's gone a bit crazy, poor thing. He heads out into the jungle and announces to the air that he's changed his mind. Hurley comes by and tells Richard he's spoken with Richard's dead wife. She's standing right next to him. They do the whole Ghost thing and she tells him not to feel guilty for her death, that he's suffered enough. Her final message for Richard: Stop The Man in Black (Locke) from leaving the Island, or else you all go to hell.

This Wasn't a Joke?

It's not April Fool's Day yet. What the hell is going on here?

High-brow Oscar darlings John Malkovich and Frances McDormand have signed on to star in the next installment of Michael Bay’s Autobots vs. Decepticons saga, Transformers 3. You read that right. The very respectable thespian pair behind some of cinema’s most nerve-rattling psychos and Coen brothers heroines will spend the summer standing in front of a green screen doing their serious-actorly best to appear terrified by gigantic robots.

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24

The EMP has knocked out all of CTU's power and resources, but the emergency lighting looks cool. It's all blue. Gotta keep the show looking good.

Jack and Freddie come upon the bad guys and take fire. Pretty cool, really long shootout scene involving loads of guns, using the CTU vehicle doors as armor, a dumbass Red Shirt not following Jack's orders and dying for it, and Little Owen dying trying to be a hero. Why don't these people ever listen to Jack!? R.I.P. Owen - it was going to happen sooner or later.

The best part of the shootout is that, in the midst of it, one of the bad guys recognizes Jack and we get the hilarious: "It's Jack Bauer, ex-CTU. He's one of their best agents!" Jack's hella famous in bad guy circles. I bet they'd listen to him.

The NSA comes in to help CTU get back online, but of course Chloe has a faster, better way to do it. It involves holding the NSU guys off at gunpoint while she works. She also calls Renee to let her know Jack's out on his own without CTU help. Renee of course decides to go out on her own as a one-woman search team in a big ass city.

Whatever Chloe's doing, it's dangerous. There is a lot of technobabble involved. And that's boring. But Chloe stands up for herself so yay Chloe. Director Bubba Hunchback gives her 10 minutes to get her S together and fix everything. Guess what - it works. Yay Chloe but that was all just a bunch of nonsense. There were sparks when she rebooted the server (or whatever) and everything. Oy. Bubba tries to thank her, but she says, "I'm not good with praise." LOL, Chloe, are you good with any form of communication?

Renee shows up just as Jack's about to get shot in the head - WAIT - THAT'S TONY'S JOB, DAMMIT!! I miss Tony. *pout*

"Go ahead. Talk to my supervisor. It's a goddamn national crisis. Go eff yourself." Starbuck really needs to say something along those lines. Come to think of it, Starbuck would have said that - but Dana won't. Instead, she pulls the parole office aside and tells him any surveillance tape of Rape Van Kevin and the Rape Van was destroyed by the EMP. The parole officer says thanks and leaves for Little Rock. Well, that was worth the drive, huh?

But wait - he's ba-ack. And he's asking for Director Bubba Hunchback. Wow - this guy is really persistent. An EMP, all the power's out, there's a national crisis -- they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Starbuck confronts him in a conference room - Jesus, woman, leave it alone! And as he's being all threatening with her, she freaking strangles him. Like HONEST TO GOD KILLS HIM!!

OK, so I did NOT see that coming. It makes no sense, and I don't know how she can get away with it, but there it is. At least it was something different. She hides the body behind a wall panel. I hope the air conditioning is working soon.

Just as we're reeling from this, we get another "shocking" revelation - Starbuck is working with the bad guys. I say "shocking" because it really did come out of nowhere and is just there to be shocking. But I guess it helps make the freaking murder she just committed make sense. I don't know. Isn't it always the woman from CTU involved in crap? She's no Nina. Yet.

The Real World: DC

Erika's boyfriend visits and - guess what - she threatens to leave the house. OMFG I want her DEAD!!! Also, her boyfriend is HELLA FUGLY!!! Nice double chin and horrid vampire teeth, douche.

Erika's a total bitch when Callie doesn't click with the douchey friend Erika sets her up with. Bitch. I'm so over Erika.

Erika flips a coin, and just calls it to herself, and says the decision is that she leaves. So she tells everyone she's going and they'll be packing tomorrow. Mike quite hilariously sends her to the Holocaust Museum - because if you think your life sucks, go see some real pain. Damn but Mike is awesome!!

Erika's douche boyfriend convinces her to stay. I love Ashley cuz she's like, OK, I'm outta here, I can't deal with this. Go Ashley! She's as over Erika as I am. I hope she stays and everyone tries to make her miserable. But no, Erika changes her mind FOR THE 1000TH TIME and decides, if they aren't begging her to stay, then she doesn't want to stay. WHAT A FLOUNCING GODDAMN DRAMA QUEEN BITCH!!! She leaves, but not before gracing us with another shite song. Bye-bye, freaking jackass bitch!!!!

Andrew does some drawing for The Washington Times. Because that newspaper sucks compared to The Post. He's assigned to shadow a White House reporter and then draw something based on the experience. Andrew can't possibly get past the Secret Service. At least not if he wears the panda hat. His political cartoon is actually good. Too bad Andrew and deadlines don't get along. Jackass.

Full disclosure: I drank a lot of champagne during this episode. Revelation: it helped.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a daytime and an evening look inspired by a NYC neighborhood. And it's a Team Challenge. Oy.

Anthony and Maya are my Dream Pairing. They got Chinatown. They're just OK, I wasn't really blown away, but they were good enough. Too much black. I did like the casual jacket though.

Amy and Jonathan - Dream Pairing II - Upper East Side. I loved Amy's top. The dress Jonathan made had some crazy-cool detailing on it.

Emilio and Seth Aaron - Harlem. They made a cute denim jumpsuit and a gross zippered dress.

Jay and Mila. Poor Jay. East Village. Goddamn Mila did her black and white crap again! And put it over red tights too! Haaaate. Jay made some cool pants.

Winner: Emilio and Seth Aaron. They loved Emilio's damned zipper dress. Jesus.





Bye-bye: Amy. Booo. I guess I'm OK with it, because it was between Amy and Jay, two of my faves, and let's face it - Amy is way out there sometimes. But damn, I actually liked that top! Heidi called it ugly. My taste level is impeccable.

More Between Two Ferns

Yay! I may have had 210 items in my Google Reader tonight, but at least there was one good one. All worth it.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

Lost

Island. Locke's crew (Sawyer, Sayid, Jin, Kate, Claire, and a handful of nobodies) rally together on the beach. Locke sends Sawyer out on a mission to go to Hydra Island to do recon of the Ajira crash site.

Near the plane, bodies are laid out together. He finds one survivor, whom I'll call Liz Lemon, because she has glasses and brown hair. She says one day she heard screaming and found everyone else dead. But Liz Lemon turns out to be a liar, and actually has 3 dudes with her with guns. They take Sawyer to a submarine - turns out they're part of Widmore's crew.

Widmore claims he didn't murder the crash survivors. Sawyer makes a deal - I'll bring Locke over here, tell him the coast is clear, then you can kill him. In exchange? Get me and my peoples out of here.

Sawyer heads back to the Island and tells Locks that Widmore's there, setting up ways to keep out the Smoke Monster. He also tells Locke that he told Widmore he was setting Locke up. That's like a triple-cross, and Sawyer sure is trusting that Locke's the one to help him here. Really, he plans to let Locke and Widmore fight it out so that he and Kate can get away in the sub while they're distracted. How is a sub any easier to pilot than a plane?

Claire wigs out and tries to kill Kate for taking Aaron. Locke handles his bitches though, and slaps Claire in the face! He also shares with Kate that he has mommy issues. Well who doesn't on this show?

Non-Island. Non-Island Sawyer is still running cons, but undercover -- as a cop! Hell yeah I like Sawyer as a cop. Not only that, but Miles is his partner. FINALLY AN INSPIRED FLASH-SIDEWAYS!!! Can I please have a spinoff show of them in a buddy comedy? PLEASE!?

Miles sets Sawyer up on a date with Not-Dead Non-Island Charlotte. They do it, because Sawyer is still the ladies' man. He quickly kicks her out of bed once she's a little too nosy about his past. Seems this Sawyer still witnessed his parents' murder-suicide, but became a cop instead of a criminal -- but still wants revenge and seeks the man responsible.

Later, when Sawyer and Miles are in the car, Kate slams into them. Sawyer chases her down.

Non-Island Sawyer also watches Little House on the Prairie at night. I'm really not sure what to make of that.

24

I really think Kayla needs to fake an attack of diarrhea. It's not that difficult, and it would guarantee her boyfriend wouldn't be trying to get into the bathroom. Just make some grunting noises or something. Tarin is suspicious that she's stalling them, and when he sees the NYPD moving in on their hotel, he busts into the bathroom and forces her to leave with him.

Jack warns the NYPD against barging into the hotel, but the Sergeant is a problem and doesn't listen to him. That's a mistake, Sergeant Anus! Tarin kills the cops and escapes with Kayla. They make one of those I'm A Hostage In Front Of A Foreign Flag films.

The bad guys tell President Pompadour they want "File Number 33". The President offers them Alberto 305. RIMSHOT!

The file contains all kinds of classified information on America's nuclear defenses and detection capabilities. He is NOT supposed to have that. Oh snap! Jack is, of course, perfectly willing to let Kayla hang, rather than endanger the lives of millions of Americans.

Good thing Kayla had sex with Tarin earlier - cuz it gives him an attack of conscience and he frees Kayla. Really? Now he changes his mind suddenly? Well, I suppose she was about to be killed. Tarin is shot in the escape (R.I.P., allegedly) and Kayla drives away.

Jack and Ortiz storm the building where Kayla was held, and there was a nice little simultaneous lifting of the guns that I enjoyed thoroughly. It's the little things sometimes.

Turns out Tarin isn't really dead. And Kayla's on her way in to CTU. With what is probably a bomb in her car. Sure enough, it's an EMP!!!!! I love EMPs!!! It goes off, and now we've got no drones, no phones, no anything. So much for that bright, shiny new CTU!

3:15 AM. The perfect time to check up on parolees 2000 miles from home. Parole officers don't work regular office hours! Starbuck's cover story is that she had sex with Kevin (in the Rape Van no less!) and regrets it because she's getting married. I spent their scenes yelling at the TV. Dude! She doesn't know where he is! Let up! I mean, seriously, he has no reason to be suspicious. Yet he won't leave it alone, and decides to hang out at CTU continuing to press her for information. Jesus Christ, this subplot went from bad to worse.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a look inspired by either earth, air, fire, or water.

I liked some of the broader interpretations of the elements. Like Anthony who interpreted fire more like smoke and what's left after the fire. Even Jonathan and his "air" -- enveloped in a swirl of uncontrollable laughter -- was cool, if pretentious.

Amy took a risk again, and this one was worse than the clown pants. She had this bowl-type thing that was meant to contain her model's hair and look all wind-swept. But it looked like a freaking bird's nest of hair on her chest. I think Anthony called it hairy tits. It's a DISASTER!

It figures that the one time I don't mind something Mila makes, it's something the judges hate.

Lucky for Amy, Ben makes a really crappy suit. With what Michael Kors aptly called "jock strap pants." The model looked like she was wearing a diaper or a codpiece. Gross.

Winner: Jonathan and his pretentious laughter.

Bye-Bye: Ben. Amy lucked out! Thank goodness Ben has no taste or skill whatsoever!!

The Real World: DC

I was reminded today that I'm really only watching The Real World this season because it's in DC. Cuz yeah, this show really sucks. Watching Andrew date =/= exciting or interesting. At least he's got a good-looking chick this time. He does meet another chick though, who is up to his ugly standards. And she has the balls to call the other chick ugly. Ha ha. Girls suck.

Erika taught herself how to play piano. You don't say.

Erika sucks. She flips out over possibly missing a phone interview because Mike's on the phone. Don't they have call waiting? This isn't the first Real World for Christ's sake. Erika doesn't get the job, so of course it's the end of the world. She claims to have a passion for music. I don't know, if you have a real passion for something, shouldn't it show? Don't you have a driving need to do something, and continue to do it even if you're shot down? She doesn't seem very passionate. Shouldn't you be singing on a street corner or something? You know, instead of playing crappy piano and "singing" in the house?

And she's such a jealous bitch too. She claims she's not a quitter. Really? This is the second time you're threatening to leave the house. Shut up, Melodrama Queen.

I say all this about Erika, of course, fully realizing she and I have a lot in common. At least I own it, bitch! I need my own Callie to give me a pep talk. I love you, Callie!!

You'll never guess what happens next week: Erika threatens to leave again! She packs a bag! She cries! I'm actually looking forward to next week now. Erika's misery amuses me.

Green Zone Gets The Green Light

Hell yeah it does. It's The Hurt Locker meets 24 starring Jason Bourne. That's the trifecta right there. What can possibly go wrong?

Matt Damon kicks so much ass always. It's a pretty typical Iraqi war story - about the WMDs (or lack thereof). It's action-packed, but you also get a healthy dose of politics. Going to war over manufactured intelligence simply pisses me off though, so I just tried to enjoy the ride. And it's the kind of movie where I had to stop myself from yelling at the screen.

Lost

We open with Island Ben running away from Smokey's Temple Massacre. He runs into Miles, Frank, Sun, and That Chick. That Chick hands Jacob's ashes over to Miles, and it's enough for him to pick up on something -- that Ben killed Jacob. This pisses off That Chick and she makes Ben dig his own grave.

Locke shows up and asks what Ben's doing. Gotta love his Classic Ben delivery of: "I'm digging my own grave." Locke helps him escape and tells him to meet him on the Other Island, the Hydra Station. Ben has a tearful moment with That Chick where he apologizes and says he understands because he watched his daughter Alex die. She decides all is cool and says Ben can come with her instead of Locke.

Ben chooses to stay on the Island with That Chick and the Gang.

Non-Island Ben is teaching history and has a bad haircut. Arzt is a teacher there too, natch. And Locke, who you'll recall is substitute teaching, encourages Ben to lead an uprising against the Principal he hates. Ben is also taking care of his sick father. His dad informs the audience that they signed up for the Dharma Initiative, went to The Island, but didn't stay.

Alex is here too, but she's not Ben's daughter, she's a student. A student who knows his home address and shows up to it. CREEPY. While they're studying, Alex tells Ben how she once caught the Principal and the School Nurse doing it. CREEPIER. Ben asks Arzt to hack into the Nurse's email account. Even though Arzt is a chemistry teacher. Sure, I'll go with it - science nerds can do everything.

So Ben lucks into sexy emails and blackmails the Principal with them. He tells him to resign and recommend Ben as his replacement. The Principal counters: if you make me quit, then I will ruin Alex's future and not recommend her to Yale. Wow, this Principal is a real asshole. Seriously. Dick.

Ben chooses his life of misery as a history teacher, but at least Alex is happy.

Also on the Island, Hurley and Jack meet up with Richard in the jungle. He tells them everyone in the Temple is dead and he leads them to the Black Rock ship. (Richard is actually from that ship.) Richard wants to die because his life has no purpose without Jacob. He can't kill himself, so wants Jack to kill him for him. Jack lights a fuse on the ship's dynamite stash for Richard, and then sits down to talk. Jack's betting that he's protected as well, that Jacob brought him here for a reason and that he won't blow up. I find myself begging begging begging that the dynamite goes off. I mean, that would be both unexpected and the Greatest Thing To Happen To Jack. Tragically, Jack was right. Of course he was. He and Richard ain't goin' nowhere.

At the end, they all head to the beach, and Sun reunites with Hurley and Jack. We see a periscope rising up from the ocean. There's a submarine. Piloted by Charles Widmore.

24

Watching the Bad Kid throw himself out the window again was LOL-worthy. So not only was it through a window, but through some panes as well. I think it would have been better if he had attempted to run through and bounced off. Would have been epic.

Instead, he's inside his little hyperbaric chamber at the hospital, rewiring his bomb so he can kill himself. There's a bunch of dumb political backstory as Jack tries to persuade him to surrender. No dice. That's OK - Jack's ready to bring out the big guns -- YOUR MOM! And when she can't talk him down? Jack very nicely threatens that he's going to make her clean up the body bits he leaves behind in the chamber and then take her to the nuclear blast site and expose her to radiation. Aaaaand he's out. Bad Guys love their mommies.

Jack gets all Hurt Locker and tries to disarm the vest, but the other bad guys trigger a fail safe. Jack is no Jeremy Renner, and can't get it done in time. Bad Kid names Hassan's head of security as a conspirator and then goes back into the chamber and explodes. WOAH! And then there's a nice shot of the inside of the chamber and we both yelled, "WOAHHHHH!" Make his mom clean that mess up!

President Pompadour's daughter is hella sweaty from sex with her boyfriend/dad's-betrayer. Hella sweaty. It's gross. Her parents are working to track her down, especially once Jack tells them that Tarin is a confirmed conspirator. The daughter tells them where she is, but Tarin's clearly suspicious she knows something and is stalling. She should just tell him she has to drop a deuce - that should give her 5-10 minutes of time.

Meanwhile, back in CTU, they're ba-ack. Starbuck and Freddie finally show up to the office, and he's all calm and collected while she's totally freaking out. Chill, bitch. Shut up and get back to work. She gets demoted for her complete abandonment of her duties. I love how people always gets promoted and demoted within a minute. Isn't there some kind of HR process they have to go through at CTU?

Starbuck gets a call from Rape Van Kevin's probation officer. Really. At 2:30 in the morning. He has tracked Kevin all the way from Arkansas to New York City (is he a probation officer? a bounty hunter? what?), found that he stayed at a hotel, saw that Kevin had called Starbuck several times, so decides to call her as well to get more information on where he might be. Worst. Setup. Ever.

It's also time for me to finally recognize that Freddie's accent bothers me. It comes and goes and tonight it was there. What is that - Faux Brooklyn? Trying to act older? I don't get it.

Next week looks good though - some kind of Security issue at CTU!

The Real World: DC Continues to Disappoint

The greatest sound I've ever heard: Andrew moan-whining after hitting the ground. Tragically, he was faking. DAMMIT! I was hoping for massive head damage. Nope, he's still just a dumbass making dumb jokes about his penis hurting and needing Emily to touch it.

Once they show it in slo-mo, it's not the big deal I wanted it to be. Ty totally tried to grab his legs on the way down, and had a hold of him enough so that Andrew just kind of slid down to the sidewalk. BUZZKILL!

Everyone's a bunch of drama queens, of course - it went from a 6-foot balcony to a 10-foot balcony, depending on who you asked. And they all thought Ty threw him from it. The girls are taking the opportunity to cry and worry over Andrew - but he's still a drunken, unfunny asshole. He's fine. Jesus. AND STOP CALLING HIM PANDA!!!

You know what all this drama queen nonsense means: HOUSE MEETING. People, if he had really pushed Andrew off, the producers would have kicked him out right away. Get over it. I'll say it -- they feel threatened because he's a big black dude. Racists.

Ty swears off drinking. Sure, that'll take. I swore off drinking too. It lasted 3 years. And I wasn't living in a phat house in DC surrounded by drunkards. It only seems to take one sober party and he starts back up again. Emily is a flaming bitch and is like, You have to leave the house because you drank again. She's a nutjob and a flaming C. DIE!

Ty, Andrew, and Josh crack me up later when they start making fun of the "intervention" and flat-out saying that the girls were afraid of Ty because he's black. Ahahah. Nice one, boys.

Ty, trying to break free of America's stereotypes, gets an internship with the Washington Capitals, the hockey team. Ty, living up to America's stereotypes, can't ice skate for crap.

Andrew's younger brother visits. Wow, he's just like Andrew - he walks in in a really horrible wolf tee shirt and they hug weirdly. Oh god and he has weird facial hair that looks like failed muttonchops. DIE!

I was totally looking forward to this episode, hoping for head trauma, and instead I got melodrama. Boooooo.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design using materials from a hardware store.

Emilio decides to make something out of little metal circles and cord. So... pasties? Amy uses sandpaper because she wants to take off a layer of her model's skin.

It's actually not all-bad. There's a lot of robot/armor/tin-foil looking stuff. Emilio barely gets a bikini out of his materials, and it's an ugly bikini to boot. I'm sooo over Mila's mod/60's/black and white looks. But even more, I'm over the judges eating them up.

Amy's sandpaper look is great. Jay's trash bags look great - I love me some Jay. There are a couple other tolerable looks. But also a couple foil-wrapped baked potatoes.

Winner: Jay. YAYYYY! He really is the greatest. And not just because he's tiny, Asian, and gay. But mostly.

Bye-Bye: Jesse. Woah - Jesse over Emilio!? That's effed up. I mean, Jesse's Jiffy Pop Baked Potato sucked, but all Emilio had was some string and some damn washers. I'm putting his picture on here too because it was so awful.

Fox Gives Me A Reason To Live

I'm sick on my deathbed for the 3rd time in as many months. I suppose that means this whole "death thing" isn't taking. So I suppose I'll live. Good thing too -- I just found a reason to get better!

Entertainment Weekly has learned exclusively that Fox has picked up Fringe for a third season. Though the show isn’t exactly blowing the roof off of Nielsen — it’s been averaging just 7.6 million viewers and is ranked No. 50 in the all-important adults 18-49 demographic this season — it managed to survive in a tough new time period on Thursdays. The show returns with new episodes — and the promise of more visits from Leonard Nimoy and to the parallel universe — on April 1.

Thank you.

Lost: Sayid Loves To Kill People

Non-Island Sayid meets up with Nadia, but this Nadia is married to his brother and they have kids. Dagger. Sayid's brother owes some people money, and wants Sayid to get all Iraqi Torturer on their asses to get them to back off. He doesn't, and his brother gets the beatdown. Sayid ends up killing the guys, and he also finds Jin tied up in their hideout. Right before Sayid opened the door, I totally knew it was going to be someone we knew. Seriously, this whole connectivity thing is getting cutesy.

Shout-out to the costume designers this season - Island Sayid is looking fine in his black tank top and pants. It's very sleek and looks like a catsuit. Sayid and Japanese Dude have an Epic Fight, but Japanese Dude stops just short of killing him -- when he sees a baseball roll off the table. Ooookay.

Smokey!Locke sends Claire into the Temple, and she tells Japanese Dude that Locke wants to see him. He refuses, and instead throws her in the hole and instructs Sayid to kill Locke.

Sayid ventures out into the jungle and encounters Locke. Sayid stabs him in the heart, but Locke pulls out the knife and gives it back to Sayid. Turns out, Japanese Dude knew Locke wouldn't die, and was instead hoping Locke would immediately kill Sayid. Locke sends Sayid back to the Temple with a message of his own: "There's a dude out in the jungle who wants to leave the Island. Either join him by sundown or DIE!"

The baseball turns out to relate to a son Japanese Dude had, a son he killed in a drunk driving accident. He came to the Island after being visited by Jacob, who told him his son could come back to life if Japanese Dude would move to the Island and be his bitch. Sayid is apparently not moved by this story, because he throws Japanese Dude down and drowns him. R.I.P. Japanese Dude.

Once Japanese Dude is dead, the Temple is unprotected. Smokey comes to visit and starts killing people left and right. Ben and his gang show up, and Ben can clearly tell something's off with Sayid. Once Smokey's done with his rampage, Claire, Sayid, and a bunch of randoms meet Locke outside of the Temple. So I guess "It's on?"

24

The mission: to rescue The Brother With The Silken Locks. It's like Rapunzel or something. Only he gets shot just as Jack & Company arrive. They do the usual thing of trying to stabilize him long enough to get him to talk. Cuz it's easy to identify traitors when you're bleeding out from 2 shots to the gut. R.I.P. Silken Locks. CTU decides to pretend he's still alive, and have the news report he's been injured, in hopes of drawing out the people who killed him. And they really once again hammer you over the head with the Inexperienced CTU Red Shirt. It's been 3 episodes now -- we get it. He's young and inexperienced and destined to die.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Starbuck start cleaning up their little mess of murdered guys, drowning their bodies in the conveniently-located nearby body of water. Yep, because you'll totally be able to get away with that - no worries! It's nice that CTU can hold everything together when 2 key employees are MIA, isn't it?

President Pompadour's daughter is in love with the one dude that he's accusing of conspiring against him. She helps him break out of custody and they get to banging. President Hassan has a lot of effing family issues. Don't bring your home drama to your job, man.

Director Bubba mans up and tells the Chief of Staff that he's not pressing charges on Renee and to STFU about it and mind your business. Rob gets a bit huffy when Bubba hangs up on him.

New Subplot of the Week: There's an American among the Bad Guys (there always is), and he calls his mommy (there's always a family member that has to be warned) and tells her to leave the city. Don't ask why - just leave the city. Because that's not suspicious. Man, Mare Winningham is old.

The Bad-Guy Kid dons a bomb-vest and heads into the hospital for Silken Locks -- and right into the path of our CTU Kid. It's really ridiculous how panicked they make this CTU Kid -- as if he's 18 and never held a gun before. I just highly doubt that CTU employs field agents like that - I mean, Chloe kept it together under pressure in the field WAY better than this kid.

Going off of a screenshot of a security camera image of the bomb-vest, in approximately 6.5 seconds, Chloe determines how to disarm it remotely. Neat trick. As Jack barges into the hospital room, the Bad-Guy Kid jumps out the window and limps his ass into another part of the hospital into some sort of weird sealed room. It's sealed like a vault -- a hyperbaric chamber or something. At least you can still make cell phone calls within this chamber. He calls his bosses and they say they'll try to talk him through manually detonating the vest.

This is not as bad-ass as it should be. Next week looks to be more of the usual - Jack threatening to kill Bad-Guy Kid's mother to strongarm him out of the chamber. Looks boring.

The Real World: DC

Andrew continues to mack on gross orange chicks. At least this time he actually gets laid.

Josh's girlfriend is visiting again, because they insist on subjecting me to their Philly accents. Despite banging hoodrats, he doesn't break up with her. Have I mentioned lately that Josh is scum? Because it gets better....

After his GF leaves, Josh brings another chick home and then, in the time she takes to pee, he calls his GF and lets her know he's making out with other chicks. So now he can bang her with a clear conscience I guess? And then as his GF's crying he just goes, "I gotta go, alright?" And hangs up and proceeds to the hot tub and bed. Asshole.

Something happens that seems to happen every season - a random hoochie "disrespects" one of the girls - and in her own house, no less! Then, when one of the guys tries to stop her from flying off the melodramatic handle (Ty/Emily, in this case), that only makes things worse and the girl ends up highly offended.

You know what's better than Emily writing poetry? Kids writing poetry and giving themselves snaps for it. And then Emily and Ty fighting a lot. Snoooooore.

At least we end on a good note - with a drunken Ty pushing Andrew over the front porch, down onto the concrete below. AHAHAHAHAHA That's so good on so many levels. Tune in next week to see if Andrew survives.