Project Runway

Challenge: Design a look for a girl on stilts. No lie. It's the Bizarre Costumey Challenge. And it's a team challenge - randomly drawn teams of two. This was the runway I could have attended if I had woken up early enough in NYC!

Bert's a Debbie Downer. He takes literally (and challenges) everything that Viktor says. Bert's bothering me more and more. He's difficult to work on a team with; it's painful. He's passive-aggressive and bitchy as hell. Which of course means it makes good television. Jesus, Tim Gunn doesn't want to hear your whining.

Anya and Olivier are a dream team, but their outfit is just OK. Josh and Julie chose an amazing pattern for their pants. Fallene is a sewing tard and botches the bodice, so Bryce has to whip something up last-minute, and it's essentially a tank top. Fallene literally makes nothing but the headpiece. Dumb bitch. Cecilia and Danielle made a matronly look that wasn't helped by the god-awful hair. Laura and Anthony Ryan's red outfit was amazing.

Meanwhile, something is all jacked-up because Cecilia and Danielle are in the top? What? All of the top outfits were the most normal-looking - non-costumey and ready-to-wear (if you're 100 feet tall). So I guess the judges have a point; were they not supposed to be so over-the-top? I loved Kimberly and Becky's jacket/pants combo too. But I stand by Cecilia and Danielle's thing being awful. Yuck. Bert and Viktor made bad curtains. And of course Bert is like, "I didn't create this; it's not mine." Ass.

Winner: Laura, who made the fabulous red outfit with Anthony Ryan.



Bye-bye: Fallene. And thank god too because the headpiece was the only part of the outfit the judges liked, so I thought she was almost off the hook. Bye, sweetie, go back to cutting hair with your cute Pixie self.

I Love Tina Fey

I love everything about Tina Fey, except that she has children. In a perfect world, Tina Fey would be the face of women who don't want kids. But she's apparently a conformist breeder, so whatever.

That being said, I love the names, so GO TINA!

Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.

The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.

<3 Penelope!!!!

SYTYCD Finale: Part Two

How quickly I've forgotten all of these people as they come out for the Top 20 dance. Ryan, that Russian bitch, Jess -- nope, don't miss any of you.

Cat is lovely in a red sequined number, but I was expecting something over-the-top for the finale, no? Sonya and Mary are rocking some HUGE skirts on their dresses. I guess Cat wanted to be quietly stylish by comparison. It's the brilliance of Cat. I will no longer question it.

Let's fast-forward through all the retrospectives and just get to the judges' picks for Best Of, 'K?

Sasha and Kent's intense wall dance. Marko and Melanie's peppy little Nappy Tabs routine -- you know, the one with The Kiss. Tadd and Lauren's "Another One Bites the Dust" -- was that the best they could do for a Tadd number? Miranda and Robert's Busta Rhymes (yeah, that was good). The one where Melanie flew across the stage and into Neil's arms. Marko and Allison's beautiful Sonya routine. The Geishas with the Top 10 Girls. We also got a great tap performance from Nick, Jess, and the UK Winner.

4th Place: Tadd. Yep, that's 100% accurate.

Let's continue with the dancing. Ashley and Chris (oh how I've forgotten you, Chris) and their jail routine. Twitch and Sasha's sexy little hip hop. The Top 10 Guys doing their cool Matrix-y hip hop. Alexander has some crazy-ass blonde hair now. Of course he does. Argentine Tango from Caitlynn and Pasha. Melanie and Marko as statues.

At this point, Sasha joins them on stage. OMG - Marko's going to get kicked out in a statue costume! Poor guy.

3rd Place: Marko. Yep, I'm a psychic. That's exactly how it should go. But yeah - he's getting kicked out in an awful costume. At least they didn't make him wear the full white makeup.

The final dance is the Melanie and Sasha Sonya Jazz routine. It's almost as if they knew they'd be in the Top 2....

And The Winner Is: Melanie. Wow! I'm kind of surprised! I think it should have been Sasha, but it's not like I'm going to say Melanie sucks. Go Tree Trunks McPixieson!!!

The Challenge: Rivals

Paula and Mike need to stop making out. I'm trying to keep food down.

They travel to this amazing villa in Argentina, and proceed to drunkenly tear it apart. Wes pours a 2-liter of Pepsi all over Cara Maria because Wes is 3. OMG, you guyyyyyys, Cara Maria's life is so haaaarrrrrddddd! Laurel takes up her cause and goes after Wes with a bottle of soda - but Tyler stops her from ruining the piano. Because we can't ruin the piano!!!! And LOL Laurel calls Paula 39 years old. I wonder if that's true. Either way, Paula starts crying and I start laughing.

Unfortunately, we can't just have fighting for an hour straight so we're interrupted by a Challenge: some crap about swinging from a helicopter above the water... whatever. BACK TO NAME CALLING AND SODA THROWING!

Winners: Evelyn and Paula. Jesus, again? Michael and Leroy. Well, those newbs skated into the finals, huh?

Losers: CT and Adam. And TJ demands a vote right away, so there's no time for everyone to deliberate and group-think. HAHA! Johnny and Tyler end up there. I hope CT murders them; they're babies. Tyler feels betrayyyyyed and gives Paula the kind of guilt trip I thought only my mother was capable of.

We don't get the Jungle til next week. Too bad, because CT is drunk, fired up, and ready.

SYTYCD Finale: Part One

Performance Show Finale time. Crazy. Where did the season go?

Cat's eyes and lips are BOTH hella wonky tonight. She def looks a hot mess. Speaking of hot messes, Katie Holmes is the guest judge. Hot robot mess. (But she looks good.) After all of her comments I would say, "Thanks, Mrs. Tom Cruise." Because, seriously, you're adding nothing. Go.

1. Marko and Melanie - Disco by Doriana Sanchez. Melanie in a skimpy outfit isn't doing it for me; she's got a weird pasty body. The dance was boring as hell. These two deserved SO MUCH BETTER. I suppose they executed what they needed to execute (well, not the lifts - those looked struggling), but it was cringe-worthy and pretty awful.

2. Sasha and Mark - Jazz by Sonya. Great to see Mark do a Sonya routine again, but it was really meant to showcase Sasha. And it certainly did. Jesus, she is amazing; her body does crazy things. She's like the perfect combination of athlete and artist. Definitely rewound it and watched it again right away.

3. Tadd and Joshua - Hip Hop by Lil C. OH SNAP SON JOSHUA IS BACK!!!! And look, Tadd, I love you but JOSHUA IS THE BOMB! I pretty much just watched him. He rules so hard and we haven't seen him in ages. I was like a kid on Christmas I was so giddy over it. I'm gay for the dance, what can I say? It was a hard, buck routine and Tadd was great. Great pairing. I'm a happy fangirl.

4. Melanie and Robert - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. It was a lovely, emotional routine that suited her SO much better than that disco crap. Beautifully danced.

5. Sasha and Marko - Broadway by Spencer Liff. It was a playful, fun routine and Sasha was hella sexy. Loved it!

6. Sasha and Tadd - Cha Cha by Some Dude. It was alright. I think I was thrown by how much taller she is than him. Their partnering was way off and it seemed hard and awkward. Her body's just so amazing though - she looks great.

7. Marko and Lauren - Contemporary by Some Totally New Chick. It was a great routine and emotional, especially on Lauren's part. It was the perfect routine for him - really strong and beautiful - and they made a great pair.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Jazz by A Dude. It was a little trifle of a routine, complete with tearaway pants. So, you know, kind of corny but still a good time. Melanie is really good at doing character pieces; she'll be an actress, I'm sure.

9. Melanie and Sasha - Contemporary by Stacey Tookey. They were so lovely together and they're both good at the acting part, actually.

10. Marko and Tadd - Hip Hop that Incorporated Gumboot Stepping by a Dude. It was weird because the routine was really fast, but their legs looked like they were moving too slowly. Like they were heavy or something. I'm sure it's just that they're exhausted. It just wasn't the best way to feature the Asian Explosion.

Let's just rewatch Sasha and Mark 100 times and give the girl the damn award just for that thing.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design an outfit using materials found in a pet store. But no live animals. If I never hear "wee wee pads" again it'll be too soon.

Since Bert has immunity, he plays it safe and uses a lot of fabric-like stuff. He's fussy, and doesn't want to play the unconventional challenge game. He's not long for this world, I fear.

Viktor's wee wee pad dress is really pretty; I like how he did the dyeing. Anthony Ryan's birdseed dress looked good - it had texture and pattern to it. Bert's thing was atrocious; thank god he has immunity. Bryce's wee wee pad dress was horrific and just looked like a ton of napkins thrown up on a skirt. I didn't love Olivier's dress like the judges did. I thought the skirt made his model's butt look huge, though I did love the top (but wasn't the top all doggie-bed, and therefore too fabric-like and conventional?).

Winner: Olivier. Whatever!


Bye-bye: Josh C. Wow, I'm surprised Bryce got by with the wee wee pad explosion. But yeah, Josh C. clearly had some taste issues.

Breaking Bad

We open with Mike riding in a truck full of Pollos meth batter. The truck is stopped and shot to hell by a couple guys with automatic weapons. Mike lays low and survives (with only a nasty shot to the ear) and shoots the two thugs when they open the truck. Looks like someone has it out for Gus's operation.

Skyler can't sleep because she's too busy plotting out their entire cover story; she even goes to Gamblers Anonymous meetings with Walt for research. Better yet -- she's making Walt learn how to count cards for real!!! OMG! Brilliant. Skyler approaches it as she would a short story (remember when she was a wannabe writer?) as they prepare to "come clean" to the family. It's hysterical. Bryan Cranston rules. I love this show and its sitcom tendencies.

Hank breaks out a little something for Walter and Walter Jr. -- a DVD of Gale doing karaoke that he got from his case file. He's laughing while Walter looks like he wants to puke. I hope full video of Gale doing karaoke is on the DVD extras. (Update: it's here!)

After the confession to the family, Walter excuses himself -- so he can go through Gale's case file in Hank's room. He sees the crime scene photos and the notebook, but has to stop looking once Hank approaches. Walter gets Hank to talk to him about the case -- Hank thinks Gale is Heisenberg -- while scouring the notebook for any clues that might lead back to him. Hank notes that the notebook is dedicated to "W.W." - OH SNAP!!! Walter quickly covers that it must reference Walt Whitman, the author of the poem Gale recited and wrote in the notebook. That Walter White is GOOD (sometimes).

Walter goes to Jesse's house - and this is the first time he's seeing the crack den it has become. He tells Jesse that the police found fingerprints at the scene of Gale's murder and he presses poor Jesse for details on the night. Jesus, Walter, you're killing me. I hate you again. Jesse kicks him out (or, more accurately, pays a couple crackheads 100 bucks to kick him out).

Walter goes to Saul with his issues instead, freaking out about how much danger he's in, freaking out that Jesse will be caught or that Gus will be afraid Jesse will be caught and take care of Jesse himself. And freaking out that Jesse has "actual hobos" living in his house. After making sure his own name has never come up in the investigation, Saul lets Walter know that, when the time comes, he knows a guy who can help the Whites disappear. The paranoia continues at the lab, where Walter watches the surveillance camera follow Jesse.

Back in the crack den, Jesse leaves his money lying around way too much and one of the druggies has his eye on it. He also appears to still be skimming drugs from the lab. NO! He comes home, sees the entire bag of money is missing, and goes back to playing video games with a skank. Ugh, I want to slap him and hug him at the same time.

The next morning, Mike comes to Jesse's house to wake him up. He kicked everyone out, except for the guy who stole his money. (I'm guessing Mike's been watching the house and saw the guy take the money.) Jesse just takes his money and goes back to bed. This is not good; Mike reports back to Gus that Jesse is a liability that must be taken care of.

When Jesse doesn't come to work, Walter goes looking for him, only to find an empty house and Jesse's abandoned cell phone. Then he goes back to the lab and asks the surveillance camera, "Where is he?"

He's with Mike, driving. Mike: "You wanna ask where we're going?" Jesse: "Nope."
The end. Mothereffers.

The Challenge: Rivals

Oh god Michael and Paula are hooking up and MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING! Gross. There are crabs loose in the house, but not the kind you think. They're even in Mandi's room. Appropriate.

Challenge: Blast your hanging partner with a fire hose, prison-riot-style, so that they move back toward giant razors that will then cut their rope and drop them into the water. Giant razors -- what could possibly go wrong? Tragically, there are no beheadings.

Losers: Cara Maria and Laurel, who want to go up against Jenn and Mandi. But Jasmine and Jonna are the newbies, so they have to go in. Why does everyone protect Jenn all of the sudden?

It's Pre-Jungle Clubbing Time and that only means trouble. Jenn's offended that Cara Maria thinks she's having sex with Adam and gets all up in her face and slaps her. That Jenn, always classy. I'm loving that Cara Maria and Abram are still dating; they're sweet together, in a weird way.

The Jungle: Football-style tackling your opponent, forcing them outside the circle. The whole house is on Team Fiery Black Chicks because they hate Cara Maria.

Bye-bye: Jasmine and Jonna. Though they may be fiery, they're also weedy, and they're easily runover by the bigger girls.

For the next challenge, they're all heading to Buenos Aires. I hate these people so much.

Monkey Movie

Seriously, I can't stop randomly shouting, "Monkey Movie!!"

It was brought to my attention that I should have a rating system of some sort. I'm thinking of "Awesome Movie," "Best Movie Ever," and "No But This Time I Mean It, Best Movie Ever." And of course there's "I've Seen Worse" and "Utter Crap." On that scale, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an Awesome Movie.

I didn't expect to like it, really. The trailers looked pretty corny and it's the kind of movie that could easily venture into awfulness. But it was getting overall good reviews and the motion capture stuff I saw at Comic-Con made me want to check it out. Meanwhile, I barely paid attention to the motion capture stuff, which I suppose means it was done really well.

The movie plausibly sets up how Earth could become a planet of apes. Really. The lead monkey, Caesar, goes from being adorable to a real asshole. But who can blame him; humans suck. The only thing really missing from this movie was more violence. Let's face it - chimps are freaking brutal. They rip off faces and balls like it's nothing. I wanted some ball-ripping. But we didn't even get implied ball-ripping. It's largely bloodless. But still with a good revolt from the monkeys and a couple shocking moments that I won't spoil but are awesome, and brought a literal hush over the audience. I like when that kind of crap happens.

The Monkey Movie was the Best Movie I've seen this month.

SYTYCD: Results

I just realized no one got hurt this year. Hurrah! Well, we were robbed of Alex Wong, but yeah, otherwise, everyone stayed healthy after that first week when Someone We Don't Care About Anymore hurt himself.

Melanie gets the first bid in to the Finale, and Marko follows. YAY!

The Guest Performance was something called the Bad Boys of Dance, though there was one girl. But it was mostly shirtless guys in tight Tron-inspired pants balleting about. Whatever, just tell me my girl Sasha is fine and the world is still round.

Bye-Bye: Caitlynn and Ricky. Thank you, America!!! You rule!!!! 2 Asian guys and 2 wonderful girls - next week's going to be awesome and tough!

SYTYCD: Performances

Guest Judges: Christina Applegate and Lil' C. And Orange Mary. Jesus, she is an unnatural shade of orange and so are her boobs. Her big old boobs.

1. Melanie and Twitch - Hip Hop by Tabitha & Napoleon. It was good. I mean, I wasn't really feeling the song, and it was weird to dance to, but she held her own for sure. Pretty good for a Pixie-haired white girl.

2. Sasha and Kent - Contemporary by Tyce. Oh crap - Kent, son! And OMFG it was a crazy-ass, intense routine that involved a wall and it was just crazy. This bitch needs to win. End of story.

3. Marko and Janette - Paso Doble by Some Dude. Marko was great. I mean, so was Janette but that's a no-brainer - I loved watching her skirt fly around. There was a cool trick in it and it was well done.

4. Tadd and Ellenore - Jazz by Sonya. I love Ellenore and her kooky style - pair her with Sonya and it's awesome. Add Tadd and it rules. He literally was swinging from a chandelier several times. Pretty cool. Nigel was right that there needed to be more dancing, but it was a nice piece. OK, maybe I'm disturbed that his nipples are prominently displayed in his sheer shirt.

5. Ricky and Jaimie - Contemporary by Dee Caspary. Damn, we are getting all the cool All Stars tonight!! I loved seeing Jaimie again. And they were really good together - it was a long, lean, lovely routine.

6. Caitlynn and Pasha - Samba by A Dude. Enough Pasha already. I know they need a male ballroom dancer, but Christ. Actually, it was really good and Caitlynn was surprisingly great!

7. Sasha and Ricky - Waacking by Some Chick. Waacking? Yep, Waacking. Not sure how to explain it - kind of disco-y but with lots of arm movements? It was cool and Sasha just proved she's awesome at everything. She deserved better than Ricky.

8. Melanie and Tadd - Broadway by Spencer Liff. Oh man, they deserve better than Broadway. It was actually an interesting routine though and they were good together. I love them both.

9. Caitlynn and Marko - Jazz by Sonya. It was an awesome routine - one of Sonya's slower Jazz routines. Loads of really cool moves. Marko's so strong and amazing and she was really good too!!!! Hmmmmm, she's been great tonight, and that's when you really want to prove yourself. Good for her.

But let's say goodbye to Caitlynn and Ricky tomorrow, OK, America? It's gotta be Sasha, man. Just Sasha. I mean, Melanie is a superclose second, but it is ALL ABOUT Sasha.

Breaking Bad

There are surveillance cameras in the lab now. Not sure why there weren't before, actually. Walter flips a camera the bird, because he's such a badass.

Skyler finally gets a hold of Walter, who has been hiding from her on account of his massive black eye. She's worried for his safety, and actually suggests him turning himself in to the police. He explains that he had an argument with a coworker, and he didn't retaliate because Mike's "a much older man". Yeah, a much older man who pwned you.

After work, Jesse asks Walter to go out to do Go-Karts. Awww, how sweet. Walter turns him down and Jesse goes on the saddest solo Go-Kart ride ever. And no wonder he's avoiding home - it's now a full-on crackhouse. Like, just as bad as the one Walter pulled him out of after Jane died. The house looks great on the outside, but the inside is pathetic as hell. It's like a house full of meth zombies. Oy. Jesse.

Walter and Skyler meet with Saul to discuss money laundering opportunities. She's still insistent on getting the car wash. And the bitch actually figures out a way to get it -- by having Bill Burr "discover" issues with contaminated water. Sure enough, Mr. Eyebrows calls Skyler to take her up on her offer to buy - which she lowers from the original offer. This Skyler's a damn criminal mastermind!

Marie's going further off the deep end, attending several Open Houses under fake identities with very complex backstories. When she gets home to her real life, Hank is pissed because she bought Fritos instead of Cheetos, and bought him a Fantasy Football magazine too soon. She gets caught stealing trinkets from the houses and is arrested, but charges aren't pressed.

One of Hank's cop buddies pops by to show Hank something and get his expertise - they found Gale's notebook in his apartment. His detailed, how-to-cook-meth-in-a-superlab notebook. Great....

Cowboys & Aliens

Cowboys & Aliens seems like a great recipe for a perfect summer movie. A little Western, a little aliens, kickass stars. Unfortunately, there are about 150 writers and 84 producers, which means too many cooks in the kitchen. It's not perfect, but it's still a good time. The action scenes are great - it's pretty cool to combine horses with alien ships - but in between, the story lags. It gets a tad boring, but picks up during the fight sequences. Also good - guest appearances by Boyd Crowder and that kid from There Will Be Blood.

Project Runway

When my Facebook friend, Tim Gunn, posted that the new season of Project Runway was starting this week, I was shocked. And now I am reminded that it's 90 minutes long. Goddammit, I waste enough of my life already. I almost considered skipping it. But instead I just skipped the casting special. I have a weakness for artistic gays.

If this first episode wasn't the casting special, then I'm so glad I didn't watch the actual casting special. Because the premiere started out with designers having to show samples of their work to the usual panel of judges, plus Tim Gunn. I'm loving the gay Asians. SHOCKER. Also Bert, the 57-year-old recovering alcoholic whose partner died of AIDS, and Anthony Ryan, the color blind ball cancer survivor. Unfortunately, one of my gay Asians is booted, but at least I get the blonde foreign one, Olivier - he was the best one anyway.

The designers get their 5 AM Tim Gunn wakeup call. They have to grab a sheet from their bed and walk to the workroom in their PJs and bedheads. Challenge: Design an outfit using their sheet and what they're wearing. If I had to do that, my model would be wearing a dress with Charlie Sheen's face on her ass.

I'm pretty much only liking the guys because I like Rafael, the gay Indian (at least I think he's Indian), and Josh, the gay bald Mormon. Anya's retarded because she's only been sewing for 4 months and everything she does is something she's "never done before". I like her, but I think she's lying.

Guest Judge: Christina Ricci.

I loved the looks from Viktor and Bryce - and they're not even my top gays! There are a lot - and I mean a lot - of super short skirts. I guess because people don't sleep in much. Rafael's outfit was trifling as hell - awful gray leggings and a leopard bib. Josh's was pretty awful too. My second tier is failing. Eff them.

Winner: Bert!!!! YAYYYY! <3



Bye-bye: Rafael. Good - because I think Josh has way more potential. Go Josh!!

The Challenge: Rivals

Poor Mandi, CT has fully moved on to Laurel. Poor, drunk Mandi, who's doing that slow, emotional, slurring thing that all girls do. It's fun to watch all the guys make fun of her. Also poor Mandi because now she's hooking up with Wes. Ick.

Odd Couple of the Week: Paula and Mike. She would break him in half if they ever banged.

Challenge: Jump out over the water on to your partner, who is dangling over the water, then swing out, fall, and swim to a buoy. Evan throws the Challenge so he can go into the Jungle and take out CT, and it pisses Nehemiah off.

Winners: Laurel & Cara Maria and Kenny & Wes.

Losers: Evan & Nehemiah, and of course CT & Adam are chosen. There's a lot of manly posturing as Nehemiah and Evan are pissed at each other, but let's be honest here - Nehemiah would kick Evan's ass. I love Evan, but he's a pussy. Look at how he bitched about Nehemiah throwing his life jacket at him. Screw you, Evan. He would flinch like a mofo if Nehemiah came after him. I kind of hope Nehemiah throws the Jungle so Evan gets screwed. That would be quite hysterical, no?

The Jungle: They hang from a pole 25 feet above the ground and then move that pole down a jungle gym type thing using their momentum. It looks hella tough. And Evan's doughy ass and Adam's girly arms aren't going to make it long.

Bye-bye: Evan and Nehemiah. I'm kind of rooting for CT now because everyone else hates him. Everyone else sucks.

Captain America: Eff Yeah!

I loved Captain America: The First Avenger and thought it was another in the long line of amazing Marvel superhero flicks. They've all been so different when you think about it, too. It's pretty fun to have a superhero movie that's also a period piece set during WWII. It really worked.

Chris Evans kept the typical Snarky Chris Evans Schtick down to a dull roar. And I'm a fan of the typical Snarky Chris Evans Schtick! But it really wasn't there which was nice. You really just got a nice, kind of shy, heroic guy from him. Perfect for Captain America.

I didn't know how they were going to explain the whole "Captain America" name, outfit, etc, but the way they did was perfect. He was essentially a USO performer who then became a real soldier. A real soldier who can jump! and throw a shield! and kickass! I bought it; I loved it.

I have a question though - Captain America's still a virgin, right? A really hot, buff virgin?

But of course it was all just leading up to the teaser for The Avengers after the credits. I was seeing this movie a week later than normal because of Comic-Con, but the place was still pretty crowded. And everyone who stayed had a collective nerdgasm during the trailer, applause and shouting included. That was some geeky fun right there - can't wait til next summer!!!

SYTYCD: Results

Our opening number is a nice little circus-y thing by Tyce. But who cares when Cat is all sleek and lacy tonight?

If there's any justice, Sasha, Melanie, Tadd, and Marko are the final dancers. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Bottom Two Girls: Jordan and Caitlynn. Excellent. Halfway there.

Bottom Two Guys: Tadd and Jess. Oh snap! I mean, YAY about Jess. But Tadd? Eff you, America! OK, if he leaves, I'm pissed. Especially after Tadd's gravity-defying solo. Good stuff.

Our guest dancers were the Legion of Extraordinary Dancers, who are always amazing. The guest performer was Lady Gaga, who I always fast forward through. Sorry, I've never really gotten it.

Bye-bye: Jess. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!! Jordan. Awwww. That's OK - it just means Caitlynn's out next week. That's easy.

SYTYCD: Performances

Guest Judges: Choreographer/Director Rob Marshall (a disturbing shade of orange) and Lady Gaga (her blue hair has nothing on Rob's orange face). Gaga ends up being constructively-critical; I'm a fan.

1. Sasha and Pasha (it rhymes!) - Quick Step by Some Dude. That's a hard style to judge, but she was great, of course. I just worry it won't connect with voters. (Yes, I worry about these things.)

2. Caitlynn and Ivan (who?) - Hip Hop by Some Crosseyed Dude. It was the most typically-crappy hip hop routine you could imagine. That's what a crosseyed choreographer and a white boy dancer gets you.

3. Jordan and Ade (yay!) - Jazz by Tyce. I love how Tyce has been slammed lately for his lazy-ass Broadway choreography. He annoys me. His Jazz is always 100 times better, and this was a decent routine. Loads of extensions and flexibility from Jordan.

4. Melanie and Neil (my boyfriend!!) - Contemporary by Mandy Moore. It was definitely athletic and flawless, with one massive jump-into-his-arms moment. The judges were creaming themselves over it. And yeah, they're probably the best dancers, but I wasn't THAT blown away by it. Do I need to clean my glasses or something? I think the song distracted me - "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

5. Ricky and Anya - Jive by Jason Gilkison. That's a tough one because you're always going to look at Anya's old ass, not the dude's. She even flipped his twink ass up in the air and over her head. It was fine and safe and forgettable.

6. Jess and Brunette Lauren - Hip Hop by Tabitha & Napoleon. Honestly, it would have been a great routine with another dude. Someone strong and tough? Yeah. Jess? No.

7. Tadd and Blond Lauren (yay!) - Jazz by Mandy Moore. It was the most fun routine so far and I really like them as a couple.

8. Marko and Allison - Contemporary by Sonya. I am loving the lovely-not-quirky Sonya style lately. They had such gorgeous, fluid movement and were perfectly in sync. They make a really strong couple. Gaga cried, though I'm not sure why. Probably for attention.

And now we get regular couplings.

9. Tadd and Caitlynn - Foxtrot by Some Dude. It was a classic, lovely dance and I thought they were elegant and beautiful. It doesn't make you pick up the phone, but it makes you smile.

10. Marko and Ricky - Hip Hop by Tabitha & Napoleon. Male/male pairing hell yeah! It was pretty much the bomb, and the only way it could have been better if it was Marko and Tadd. Gotta love a high-energy, difficult routine set to old school Puff Daddy!

11. Jordan and Jess - Rumba by Jason Gilkison. Oh hell no he isn't going to be able to lift her big ass! The rumba is slow and weird. It's a lot of vamping and dragging about. He was incidental - no chemistry, you just focused on Jordan's big red ass. Nigel called her swayback deformed. Ha! The Adele song deserved way better.

12. Melanie and Sasha - Jazz by Sonya. OH HOLY CRAP THE 2 BEST GIRLS!! (Man, if they had paired Tadd and Marko my face would have exploded tonight!) Quirky, jazzy Sonya is back and I loved it! They were just wonderful together, so awesome and precise. Something tells me they'll be performing together in the finale too.

The Challenge: Rivals

Adam's in love with Jenn cuz he's into chicks with broad shoulders and horrible eyebrows. They make out, but then it's hysterical he said/she said time, as he brags about it to the guys and is clearly in love, while she disses him behind his back for being a gross loser.

Jasmine and Jonna do that drunk-girls-slow-talking-and-kind-of-fighting thing that girls do, and it somehow results in Jasmine stripping off her mic and saying she's leaving. But Evan just picks her ass up and has everyone treat Jasmine like a 3 year old, or a strung-out girl, and everything's fine.

Challenge: Extreme Whitewater Rapids! Extreme Snoring!

Winners: Jenn and Mandi.

Losers: Sarah and Katelynn. Everyone decides to send the fiery black chicks in against them - Jasmine and Jonna.

The Jungle: One girl is buried under hay and dirt. She has to be dug out by her partner and then they solve a puzzle together.

Bye-bye: Sarah and Katelynn, despite Sarah's insistence - in fact, her guarantee - that they would win any puzzle challenge. Good riddance - I'm sick of looking at Katelynn's disturbing close-eyes.

Breaking Bad

Walter does his gun shopping in a hotel room. He buys a gun with the serial number filed off and practices his draw in his condo. And he packs the gun along with his brown bag lunch.

Jesse has a Roomba and a sweet new sound system, and appears to be doing nothing but smoking. Badger and Skinny Pete come by to hang, and hilarity ensues. Jesse's back to full-on using and, despite their initial protests that they're doing the 12 steps, his boys join him. They debate video games and Nazi zombies, but Jesse doesn't appear to be having much fun, and can't get high enough. Time for a house party, after which the Roomba has a hard time maneuvering, what with all the passed-out bodies on the floor. Jesse's still able to go to work the next morning though, so more power to him.

Walter and Jesse have a new watcher, and Mike tells the guys they're never going to see Gus again. So much for being able to draw that gun. He drives by Gus's house at night and I'm just screaming, "Come on, idiot, leave it alone!" But oh snap - he puts on the Heisenberg hat!!!!!!! As he approaches the house, his phone rings - Walter's too dumb to put it on silent - and it's Mike - "Go home, Walter."

House Party Day 2, and this time they've ordered pizza from a place that doesn't slice it - that way they pass the savings on to you. Jesse's old girl comes by - he left her a fat wad of cash after he (well, Walter) killed the dudes who killed her brother. After a 3-day bender, everyone leaves and poor Jesse's left all alone with his feelings, so that won't end well.

Skyler runs surveillance on the car wash she wants to buy, so that she can make an appropriate offer to the owner. Mr. Eyebrows isn't interested in selling to Walter, since he quit and grabbed his nuts in his general direction.

Walter tries to bond with Mike over their fear of Gus. Walter wants to get in a room with Gus so that he can take care of things. Holy crap! Mike proceeds to beat the crap out of Walter; someone's displacing his anger.

And Hank? Hank has his minerals he's been buying off the internet -- a lot of minerals. And Marie is treating him a little too much like a child. She needs to back off.

Comic-Con 2011: Pictures

I just worked the pictures in to the blog posts from last week, but of course I have some Star Wars pictures for my nephew.




A dude's gotta fix his helmet....

SYTYCD: CliffsNotes Version

I'm too beat to do a full post, but I wanted to watch the show while I remained unspoiled.

I'll say that having the All Stars definitely elevated the dancers, and some pairings were simply amazing, like Sasha dancing with Twitch and Tadd dancing with Comfort. Also, Neil Patrick Harris is a great judge.

Bye-bye: Mitchell and Clarice. Damn, she finally got out from under Jess - and did a killer Bollywood routine with Robert - and now she leaves. I'm fine with it though - they deserve it over anyone else. Except maybe Jess.

Comic-Con 2011: Saturday

After spending Friday sitting on our asses, we decided to just walk around the Exhibit Hall Saturday morning. I attempted to get into the Community panel, but there was a huge line and I could tell that wasn't happening. So I lined up hoping to get into the Fringe panel later that afternoon.  I ended up getting a great seat at that panel, followed by a screening of the pilot for the new show, Alcatraz. 

Joshua Jackson wasn't scheduled to attend the panel (not surprising, given that he's always jet setting around the world with his fabulous girlfriend), but the rest of the cast was there. John Noble started things off really sweetly by thanking all of the fans for their support. He said that Comic-Con was like their Emmys. Such a cutie. Since Pacey wasn't there, they said the role of Peter was up for grabs and they showed a video of some auditions for the role.  Cue Zachary Quinto, Michael Emerson, Danny Pudi (with a huge gray mustache), and many others "auditioning" for the role. At the end, they featured an audition for the role of an Observer, and it was Pacey. When the lights came back on, Joshua Jackson came out in a suit and hat. The crowd went nuts!!!  He snuggled up next to John Noble. They were all adorable, as always, but of course didn't give away any secrets for next season, or what's going on with Peter. 











I was really looking forward to seeing Alcatraz, because that prison is simply my Favorite Place on Earth.  We took the night tour a couple years back and it's awesome.  I'd do it 100 times. Nothing like a prison at night. So anyway, I'd seriously watch the show just for the prison. The pilot was great (and not just as landmark porn); I'm excited to see what happens. According to the show, when the prison shut down in the 60s, it was because all of the prisoners and guards disappeared. Any transfer papers and death certificates have been forged. And now a prisoner has come back, he hasn't aged, and someone is instructing him to kill people.  I am looking forward to watching it - but it doesn't premiere until January!

Now Mike had been on the floor this whole time. As I walked down the Exhibit Hall to meet up with him, I passed by Anthony Head - Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And when I met up with Mike, he was taking pictures of Joss Whedon in the Marvel/Avengers booth. Double Buffy encounter!  So I show Mike the picture I took of Giles and he goes, "I was just talking to that dude about how crazy the crowds are!" The donk didn't realize who he was, but apparently the man has a nice watch - he scoped that out. 



A little more wandering about, and then dinner. Had a great time and we already have our tickets and hotel for next year, so we should be there!

Comic-Con 2011: Friday

We open the day with Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson. You can't beat that!! Geek heaven!! They're pimping a motion-capture animated pic, The Adventures of Tintin. I normally don't go for stop-motion animation, but it looked good. Again, I guess these guys know what they're doing. It definitely already looked better than The Polar Express, and what we saw was a work-in-progress.


The Relativity panel brought Haywire and The Raven. Haywire is directed by Steven Soderbergh and stars a female MMA fighter. We saw some awesome, intense action from this female-Jason-Bourne film. I wonder if it'll get a wide release, but it stars a bunch of guys and has a woman kicking realistic ass, so I want to check it out. John Cusack and James McTeigue were promoting The Raven, a fictional account of Edgar Allan Poe being caught up in a series of copycat murders. It had a Sherlock Holmes feel to it. It looked interesting, but also like it could go either way. Cusack's quirky and looks like 16-year-old John Cusack, but hopefully he can pull this off. It looks spooky and gothic so it should be cool.


Next up was the latest Underworld sequel. It's what you would expect, which is to say I enjoy Kate Beckinsale kicking ass in black latex. Then Attack the Block, from the geniuses behind Shaun of the Dead. Edgar Wright is brilliant. It's essentially The Wire meets an alien invasion, set in inner city London. Looks both funny and scary.

Fright Night was up next. It was cold in Hall H, but you wouldn't know it from the way Colin Ferrell had his shirt unbuttoned. He also showed everyone his ass when he bent over to sign an autograph. He may have been going commando. The clips they showed looked cool and the cast was fun. Colin Ferrell was very cool about the fact that, yes, he has done some crap movies, but he's trying to be more selective. He was really sweet to people who asked questions.

Up next was the big Sony panel, with about 100 films. First was a new Ghost Rider sequel. Now who the hell needs that when the first one sucked? Well, this one looks darker and more adult, plus the directors really sucked me in with their rock-and-roll filmmaking style. They are very hands-on and work the cameras while a) being pulled behind a motorcycle on rollerblades and b) being lifted through the air on wires, just like the actors. So if anything, it might be interesting to see the movie for the style. Shocker: Nicolas Cage is weird.


Next up was 30 Minutes or Less and what we saw of it was hysterical. Way funnier than the trailers have been. Danny McBride wasn't there (sadness) but sent a hilarious video, and we got Aziz Ansari and Nick Swardson, so it's all good.

Total Recall was the one I was most excited for, because I wanted to see what it looked like, plus Bryan Cranston (aka The Man) was there. And he got a LOT of love from the audience - lots of questions and mad props. And he was hysterical, of course. Love him. Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and John Cho were also there. It's a great cast - and the footage we saw was awesome. Honestly, I've never seen the original the whole way through, but this looks different. They're still filming, but showed us pretty much the entire beginning action sequence, even with some CGI-storyboard stuff in there. It looked great and I'm excited for Colin Farrell as an action guy! And of course The Man as a villain.






The Amazing Spider-Man closed out the day. Now just like Thursday, we were very close to the front of Hall H, and seated right near the question queue. A dude in a crappy Spider-Man costume jumps up to the microphone and starts spouting hilarious, awkward stuff about loving Spider-Man as a kid, etc., etc. He rips off his mask and it's Andrew Garfield. He was so adorable I fell in love. He was reading from notes and his hands were shaking. He said he's always loved Spider-Man and he's always wanted to come to Comic-Con and he was just geeky and appreciative and adorable. Then he introduced the cast and crew and ran on stage. Emma Stone was there - major girl crush. They showed the trailer that was leaked online earlier. And then they showed a lot more footage, and again unfinished stuff, which I actually enjoy seeing. It looks good. I'm pretty much sold just based on how cute Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield are.



As always, though I have grand plans to attend panels like "The Science of Zombies" or attempt to make a line for screenings, at day's end I'm just hungry and tired and so we have dinner and pass out.

Comic-Con 2011: Thursday

I'm in San Diego for Comic-Con 2011, and so I should probably brag about that.

We spent Thursday morning in the Exhibit Hall to avoid the Twilight: Breaking Dawn panel. We got some cool stuff from The Walking Dead and saw Chris Evans and Hulk Hogan signing autographs. Toward the end of the Twilight panel, we headed to Hall H, thinking we could line up, as the place would empty out immediately following. Imagine my surprise when we were able to get seats. Either Hall H is bigger than I thought, or 6500 Twi-hards couldn't get their passes this year. What I saw of the panel was what I remembered from years ago - they're all just weird and awkward, and even from the back I could hear shrieking when Jacob took his shirt off in the trailer. I also got to hear a young girl ask if Edward enjoyed making a baby with Bella. So yeah- how can you not be awkward on that panel?



Once all the Tweens and their moms left, we were able to move very close to the front.  The Film District panel featured Drive and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. The former looks like a retro, badass action flick and the latter looks scary as hell. I don't know if I'll see it, but Guillermo Del Toro produced it and he is simply awesome. He is funny and self-depricating and geeky and I love him. He traveled here from Toronto to do Comic-Con despite having a bad back. You wouldn't know it, except that he mentioned it. He was still funny and vulgar (man uses the f-word like a god) and wonderful. 

Pee Wee Herman popped by unexpectedly and randomly to do a little panel and he was hysterical. He's working on a Pee Wee road trip movie with Judd Apatow. 

The 20th Century Fox panel gave us Charlize Theron for Prometheus, Andy Serkis for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried for In Time. Ridley Scott is directing Prometheus, and he did a video chat from Iceland. He's awesome too. Just so smart and personable and awesome. Funny too. He's doing the movie in 3D (the clips we saw were cool - it's kind of set in the Alien world without being a prequel) and says he'll only work in 3D from now on. I'm not a big fan of 3D, but he said he does it because of the depth of field and how you get enveloped by what's going on in the background. So I'll let the master slide on this one. 

Andy Serkis talked about doing motion capture for the main ape in Rise. He's made me a believer - it looks really cool and I hope it's good. If anything, it'll be interesting to watch it for the technical aspects. 

Mike got a major Nerd Boner when JT (he's a big fan of his SNL work) came out for an Andrew Niccol (he wrote Gattaca) film, In Time. And I'll tell you, that movie looks cool. Total sci-fi set in an original world. In the future, time is currency and no one lives past 25 unless you buy, earn, or otherwise get extra time. Weird premise, but the clips looked great. It'll be cool to see some original sci-fi action. And, yeah, I enjoy JT as an actor. Actually, there are a bunch of great actors in the movie, including Pete Campbell from Mad Men looking like a total asshole villain. Can't wait. 



We closed out the day with a panel featuring Jon Favreau and Guillermo Del Toro shooting the shit. They're both incredibly funny, they're both fanboys, and they have a real friendship and respect for each other. It was awesome to listen to them. They talked about everything, Guillermo cursed a lot, called himself a "weird, fan m-fer" twice, and gave out his email address. On occasion, he invites random fans to the set. Seriously, the guy is amazing. I am deeply in love with Guillermo Del Toro.

 

How we really closed out the day was with an amazing Mexican meal at Fred's. I love nothing more than a great meal after a long, hard day of sitting on my ass. 

The Challenge: Rivals

Laurel's in love with CT too. But he's Mandi's, bitch. Jesus, these girls. Classy. The classiest thing yet is when Mandi leans over to hug Paula near the pool and the editors have to put a big black dot over her cooch. Klass.

Challenge: Move across hammocks strung up over the water. It made me queasy just watching it; I hate how unstable hammocks are. This would definitely be nearly impossible, and people are DQ'ing left and right.

Winners: Johnny & Tyler. None of the girls made it within 15 minutes (and only 1 team made it at all).

Losers: Kenny & Wes. They DQ'd like bitches, Kenny's lost whatever mojo he once had, and they choose to go against Brandon & Ty.

The Jungle: Wet rope climbing. It comes down to Wes v. Brandon and Wes absolutely pwns him when Brandon can barely make it out of the water.

Bye-bye: Brandon & Ty.

Damn You, QT!!!!

This man is really testing my patience with casting for his next flick. But he is a god, and so I must trust in him.

Quentin Tarantino never has trouble putting together good casts for his films, but his Sergio Leone-style Spaghetti Western Django Unchained is turning out to be quite something. Kevin Costner is in negotiations to join a cast that is headed by Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Samuel L. Jackson and Leonardo DiCaprio.

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Breaking Bad

I am addicted to Breaking Bad. I can't believe it took me this long to watch it, but holy hell is it good. I started catching up just a few months ago and I've already watched all 3 seasons through twice. It was probably best to start late, as people have been waiting a whole year for it to return, whereas I only had to wait a few weeks. The agony of the wait might have done me in. But it's over now, everybody. You know I love a show when I stay up until 10 to watch it. Let the new season commence.

When we last left off, Jesse was killing Gale on Walter's orders so that Walter could continue to be King of the Cooks (and continue to live). We open with a flashback of a giddy, nerdy Gale setting up the lab. Originally, Gus's lab was meant for Gale alone, until Gale got all horny over the purity of Walter's product and convinced Gus to hire on Walter. Gotta have the pure stuff.

Gus's guy verifies that Gale's dead and then makes Jesse drive him back to the lab, where Walter and Mike are waiting. (P.S.: I love Mike the Cleaner.) It's a long night, as they all sit there waiting for Gus to arrive. Walt's all, "We need to start a cook to keep to the schedule." Got to love the man's devotion to his job.

Skyler calls Saul (who's paranoid as hell and checking his office for bugs) looking for Walter. He's no help, so she drives over to Walt's condo and lies to a locksmith to get inside. This fat bitch is really good at lying. (P.S.: I hate that fat bitch.)

Back at the lab, Gus's guy is doing the cooking with Walter hilariously muttering that he's going to forget something. And then Gus arrives. Things aren't hilarious anymore. He simply walks past Walter and starts suiting up in protective gear. He says nothing, so of course Walter fills the silence, desperate to save his skin and blame Gus for Gale's death.

Jesus, this show does tension unlike any other. Walter's blabbering (never understood what all the Bryan Cranston fuss was about - until I started watching this show) and Gus is walking around silently with a boxcutter. It's like, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't kill Jesse or Walter in the first episode, and yet you never really know with this show, I swear. So the tension kills me. But Gus takes the boxcutter and slits his guy's throat with it while staring at Walt, then slowly removes the protective suit, gets dressed, and walks out after saying, "Well? Get back to work." Goddamn, that Gus is freaking terrifying. Even worse than crazy Tuco, but not as horrifying as Tuco's uncle with the bell. I hate that guy.

Seriously, I don't know if I was breathing there. Now I'm actually thankful for commercial breaks - I need a minute! I'm assuming Gus did that for 2 reasons - his guy had been seen at Gale's apartment and it makes a nice point for Walter and Jesse as well.

My boys are on body disposal duty - out comes the acid - and it makes me long for Season 1. Over breakfast at Denny's, Walter's concerned about Jesse, but also wants to start planning their next move. He knows they've only bought themselves some time.

And in the land of the Schraders, Hank's a miserable cripple who bids on minerals online and shits in a bedpan. Poor Hank. Or poor Marie. I don't know which is worse.

Welcome back, show! I love you!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

I do weird things to amuse myself. I enjoy pretending that I find Ron Weasley sexy - I even have a Ron Weasley tee shirt. But I don't know who the hell Ron Weasley is. I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, because reading is for losers. I tried watching the first movie twice, but fell asleep both times. But the ultimate amusement I've found with Harry Potter? I watched the final movie, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. It's like watching a popular series Memento-style. Except that I don't plan on continuing.

The movie was exactly what I thought Harry Potter was all about - wand-pointing and wizardry. I followed it well enough, because ol' HP has invaded pop culture so much that you can't help but have some knowledge of the universe. This was probably the best one for me to watch, as it appears all the kiddie stuff and teen angst was in the previous movies. I pretty much got right to the action. And, of course, Ron Weasley removed his shirt.

SYTYCD: Results

I was traveling for work, but remain unspoiled as to the results. The key is avoiding the ol' Google Reader.

Nigel makes the bloody awful announcement that, while they asked Alex Wong to come back as an All-Star, he snapped his other Achilles tendon on Saturday. Jesus Christ!!!! This is devastating!!!!

All Stars: Melody, Allison, Pasha, Twitch, Comfort, Chelsie, Brandon, Kathryn, and Robert. I don't know Melody because she's Season 1, but I'm all in on everyone else. Except for Pasha, of course. Ugh.

Bottom Three:

Caitlynn and Mitchell - her solo was really good and Mitchell's was amazing and strong.

Ryan and Ricky - Ryan's solo was typical and meh but his was really sharp and lean. Loved it.

Sasha and Alexander - Her solo was gorgeous, of course, but he did a cartwheel and landed on his toe and it was incredible! He gets my respect just for that one move.

The guest dance performance was a rap/tap group. It was awesome, and featured that White Tap Chick from last year.

Bye-bye: Ryan and Alexander. Perfect decisions. You know, since Jess wasn't an option.

Emmy Nominations

Like a kid on Christmas morning, I was excited for the Emmy Nominations.

There aren't a hell of a lot of surprises, really. (Fringe being snubbed is no shock any more, but I wish Community had gotten some love.)

But let's celebrate the nominations for Justified!!! YAYYYY!

Outstanding Lead Actor: Timothy Olyphant
Supporting Actress: Margo Martindale
Supporting Actor: Walton Goggins (BOYD!!!!)
Outstanding Guest Actor: Jeremy Davies

Other notes:

Jesus Christ, I think the whole cast of Modern Family was nominated. I clearly have to give in and watch it.

I've finally started watching Game of Thrones and I'm all-in when I didn't expect to be. It's amazing. Yay Peter Dinklage.

CAT DEELEY!!!!

And also yay for Louis C.K.!

Full list here

SYTYCD: Performances

Next week it's All Star time and I'm going to be at Comic-Con, not watching. Crap. Cat's eye makeup is making her eyes look even wonkier tonight - it's uneven as hell. Someone help my girl!

Guests Judges: The Gay Guy From Modern Family and Sonya. He ends up being funny and a big fan too.

Two routines from everyone tonight. Time to dance your asses off, kids!

1. Sasha and Alexander

a. Paso Doble by Tony & Melanie. I love me a good paso doble and they were great. Sasha is a thing of beauty - can't wait til she gets paired with an All Star and loses Alexander and his face.

b. Jazz by Tyce. They deserve better, or at least she does. She was great. Amazing. I really need her to stick around to get paired with an All Star.

2. Jordan and Tadd

a. Contemporary by Travis Wall. It was a different kind of Travis routine - intense and explosive. Very cool, and they were amazing. Jordan had a million great leg extension things. She ruled.

b. Broadway by Spencer Liff. It was kind of a dull routine, even though it seemed like it should have been peppy and fun. I didn't get it. Neither did Sonya. Boring. They deserved wayyyyy better.

3. Ryan and Ricky

a. Broadway by Spencer Liff. Did they dance at all? I didn't see any dancing. But they bore me, and so does Broadway. The judges pretty much slammed it, so I guess I didn't miss much. Zzzzzzz. Let's hope they get some energy before their next performance.

b. Cha Cha by Louis Van Amstel. Oh so that's where their energy went - crazy routine! And I don't want to admit it, since they bother me, but they were good and he was excellent.

4. Caitlynn and Mitchell

a. Hip hop by Christopher Scott. But not just any hip hop -- it's about Ugandan children forced into war. Mmmm-kay. I didn't get Ugandan children out of it - like, AT ALL, but it was alright and I thought Caitlynn was hella good. White girl can dance, if not play an abducted-war-child. The dumbest thing they ever did was mention the effing war babies.

b. Contemporary by Travis Wall. Another atypical Travis routine - had a rock edge to it. It was good and she's just gorgeous.

5. Melanie and Marko

a. American Tango by Louis Van Amstel. They were great and the final move was incredible - a crazy, pull-her-through-his-legs-and-back-up thing. She was sexy again. Yay Melanie!

b. Contemporary by Dee Caspary. Goddamn, I'm going to miss them dancing together. :( Until the finale when I'm sure they'll be paired up again. Cuz they are in it to win it, kids!!!!

6. Clarice and Jess

a. Lyrical Hip Hop by Christopher Scott. This one's about a woman's insecurities - which is a little more manageable than war orphans. But god I don't want to see Jess doing hip hop. His moves were definitely way too smooth and not at all hard-hitting. I can't wait til she loses this zero too! The judges ate it up. They suck.

b. Jive by Tony & Melanie. Oh Christ. Jive and Jess. No thanks. He had to lift her a couple times, which does him no favors. Cuz seriously, it looks like the little man's going to break his back. But he can kick his legs. Good for him. Die.

I'm worried that Caitlynn and Mitchell are going to be in trouble....

I Was Scared

But Harper is lovely. Seven doesn't make much sense, but whatever - at least it's the middle name.

David and Victoria Beckham have announced the name of their new baby girl - Harper Seven Beckham!

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham. She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7:55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx,” David wrote on his Facebook account.

David and Victoria already have three sons together - Brooklyn, 12; Romeo, 8; and Cruz, 6.

Horrible Bosses Wasn't

Here's a miracle -- a Jennifer Aniston/Jamie Foxx movie that I enjoyed. It truly is The End of Days.

Horrible Bosses is a solid R-rated comedy. I wouldn't say it's The Hangover, but it might be The Hangover Part II. Definitely funny, and in a good, crude way. LOVE the leads in this movie - Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day are a comedy dream team as far as I'm concerned. They're all adorable and hysterical. And make the movie succeed in spite of Those Who Shall Not Be Named. Hell, They were even kind of funny. Sue me.

Charlie Day needs to make more movies. Immediately.

The Challenge: Rivals

Mandi is Wes's "#1 target". Oh, Wes, such a romantic. Too bad for him, Mandi wants to get choked by CT. Literally.

Wes tries to provoke CT by throwing his mattress outside. Man, I wish CT would pummel him. Instead, he just gets in his face and curses him out. Not as fun.

Challenge: You're in a box filled with 1000 pounds of sand and you have to shovel that sand out with your hands to raise the box above the water, then jump to a zip line as far as you can and swim the rest of the way.

Jonna and Jasmine throw their sand on the other team - ha! The water must do crazy things to Jonna's hair because it's now a massive Brillo pad. Katelynn and Mike look like twins. It's frightening. Mike lands in the water with Leroy landing directly on top of him. He then hysterically cry-swims and coughs up blood. Pussy.

Winners: CT & Adam and Evelyn & Paula. Jesus, they both won last week too.

Losers: Cara Maria and Laurel. Camila and Theresa are picked to go in, and bitch and moan about wanting to quit, and planning to throw the challenge. But that's all part of their "psychological game."

The Jungle: They have to turn these doors on a giant wall so that the logos face their team - while the other team is also turning them to their side. Then, after 5 minutes, the team with the most logos wins.

Bye-bye: Camila and Theresa. So much for the psychological game.

SYTYCD: Results

We open with a typically-fun group Bollywood number and Cat all sequined-out. The giant metal belt kills the look though.

Bottom Three:

Ashley and Chris - of course
Jordan and Tadd - that's just BS! And Jess's ass is safe.
Ryan and Ricky - good

Still predicting Ashley and Chris go.

Guest dance performance: Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet. Wow, contemporary ballet is funky. Sasha could fit in there.

Ashley's solo is pretty standard, Chris's is a-freaking-mazing. Jordan's seemed short but she had loads of good extensions (like I know what I'm talking about). She's better when choreographed. Tadd's was a lot of tricks, but damn I love me some Tadd. Ryan was probably the best girl. Ricky's was pretty good, but kind of standard contemporary.

Guest musical performance: Florence + the Machine, which I watched the whole way through because her voice is incredible - and she sounded great live. YAY!

Bye-bye: Ashley and Chris. Booyah! I think Black Barbie could have been really good if she had a better partner, maybe he could have elevated her. Luck of the draw, baby.

SYTYCD: Performances

Cat's looking lovely again, with a cute ponytail and a gorgeous blue Asian-inspired mini-dress. Kisses.

Guest Judges: Carmen Electra and Travis Wall. Damn, no Travis routines tonight then. I look forward to his critiques - bet they're actually insightful and helpful.

The guys' group routine was a really great contemporary piece by a new choreographer. A very cool routine for the guys and they were all great - Marko in particular was really powerful.

1. Melanie and Marko - Jazz by Ray Leeper (who?). Their routine seemed to go on forever - maybe they're all longer this week since there are fewer dancers. It was the first time I thought Melanie was sexy. She's always good, but not really hot. It was a fun routine and they were great together.

2. Sasha and Alexander - Hip Hop by some other new dude (bonus: Asian!). I guess it's New Choreographer Night. That's probably a good thing. The routine was a smooth number and really good. Sasha is a-freaking-mazing and they partnered really well together. The judges mostly didn't like it.

3. Jordan and Tadd - Smooth Waltz by Toni Redpath (haven't seen her in a while!). It was a gorgeous routine and once again the girls kill it - Jordan was really good. They're a great pair too. Love me some Tadd.

4. Clarice and Jess - Contemporary by Justin Giles (same guy from the guys' routine). The routine had some cool, hard-hitting moves but felt hella short, especially compared to the other ones. It was definitely the best they've done. But I still hate him.

5. Ashley and Chris - Salsa by a Salsa chick. Seriously - it's New Choreographer Night! I like it! For once, I felt like I got some performance out of her, and that she wasn't just a Black Barbie. He was hella stiff though. Probably overall the weakest so far tonight.

6. Ryan and Ricky - Jazz by Some Dude Named Chucky. A Cooky Dude Named Chucky. I heart Chucky. The routine was this bizarre, 80s-looking thing, and their costumes were fugly, but they really sold it. They did really well in a routine that wasn't particularly amazing, just quirky.

7. Caitlynn and Mitchell - Contemporary by Mandy Moore. So much for the new blood, the cross-eyed bitch is back. The routine was actually really good and hard too - loads of lifts, crazy jumps, they were all over the stage and great ground work too. Mary loved it the most and she's probably right - it was emotional without being sad, it was more joyful. Loved it. Caitlynn's gorgeous.

Ray Leefer did the girls' Jazz routine that was sexy and cool. The girls were all synched-up, it was cool.

I think Ashley and Chris will be gone tomorrow. They should be anyway.

I Guess Ethnic Names Get a Pass?

Natalie Portman and fiancé Benjamin Millepied get an A-plus for the name they picked for their baby boy.

Their son's name is Aleph, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

So what's in a name? Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, much like alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet. Aleph is the number 1 in Hebrew and can also be spelled "alef."

Its esoteric meaning in Judaic Kabbalah, as denoted in the theological treaty Sefer-ha-Bahir, relates to the origin of the universe, the "primordial one that contains all numbers."

Whatevs. Sounds like Alf to me.

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Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I feel like the title is missing a word. Is it just me?

Anyway, I'm happy to report the third Transformers is better than the crappy second, but probably not as good as the first. The first just had the advantage of being first. The beauty of watching an Autobot transform just isn't the same when you're jaded and have seen it 100 times.

Still, what I hated about the second one was all the robots talking. This time the robots just fight, as the good lord intended. It's your typical Michael Bay production - swinging camera shots, that weird golden lighting, a chick who just needs to stand there (or run) and look pretty. She does look pretty too - though I still prefer Megan Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is no slouch.

If it's possible, this movie was even more violent and destructive than the others. I mean, you have an entire city practically bombed-out and decapitations left and right. They're robot decapitations, but if I saw 1 "spinal column" ripped out of a body I saw 3. Not that I'm complaining.

The Challenge: Rivals

The newest guy, Michael, is talking about farming wheat or something. It's pretty funny watching everyone's faces as they listen to him blabber on about it. Nerd.

My sister had this theory that Zombie TJ isn't really there. It would certainly account for all the voiceovers. At first there's nothing to disprove that. In fact, the cars look totally green-screened behind him. So my theory is that he can only be propped-up half the time. He rallies for the times when he has to be in the house interacting, and does the exteriors from bed.

What drug is Jonna on? Coke? Cuz she moves really quickly -- when just talking to the camera. Fidgety bitch.

I don't even know what the challenge is - I never pay attention anyway, and now I'm too busy trying to determine if Zombie TJ is real. Something about using a bulldozer to drag cars through a field. One person operates the bucket and one person drives. I don't think it's a good idea for these drunkards to be operating heavy machinery.

Winners: Evelyn & Paula and Adam & CT.

Losers: Wes & Kenny. They choose Tyrie & Davis, cuz I guess the guys' plan is to just pick their own opponents.

In tonight's drunken fight, the fiery black chicks go up against the fiery Latinas. Lots of screaming and arm movements. Jasmine punches a mirror.

The Jungle: You're joined with your partner and have to ram the other pair out of the circle. So just loads of manly pushing. And Tyrie's a bigums.

Bye-bye: Tyrie & Davis.