24: Season Finale Part 2

Let's get the Presidential Plotline stuff out of the way first again.

Olivia the Giant C is confronted with the recording by Ethan and Aaron and it's ~*~beautiful~*~. Olivia knows they can't go public with it without destroying the President's Administration, and Ethan wouldn't do that. So Ethan pulls the trick Moms have been pulling on kids for years: "What until your father finds out." In this case, he wants her to tell the President, and let the President decide what to do with her.

Olivia meets with both of her parents, dragging her recovering-from-surgery father out of bed. Bitch. She tells them the truth, that she hired someone to kill Jon Voight. This whole Family Ruling the White House Together thing is so stupid. The President is scolding her Chief of Staff like she got knocked up or something!!! Is this the White House or Juno? The First Husband thinks Jon Voight deserves it and that they should cover this up. I mean, he turns it all around on the President! Day-um! "Your job caused our son's death" - that kind of crap. This family stinks.

In the end, the President proves she has some balls, and upholds her sworn oath to the Constitution. EFF YEAH! Aaron takes Olivia into custody and I love it!!! Thank you, Mrs. President, for making one good decision today. But stop apologizing - you're not the one who broke the law. Olivia deserves it, darling. And you don't need that bald, ugly, dick of a husband either. Go forth and be the lesbian President you were meant to be.

Jack breaks into a taxi company garage and takes a taxi. Tony goes in after him... with a forklift! OK, Tony isn't playing anymore. He's officially an evil asshole. Boo.

Tony tells Jack that everything he has done today has been to get access to Alan Wilson, the man who has agreed to meet with him. Alan's responsible for everything from Charles Logan to David Palmer's assassination to Michelle's death. And that's why Tony wants to get his hands on him. Only he's not going to kill him - Jack is. He straps a bomb to Jack's chest, but he never gets the chance to explode it, as the FBI comes helicoptering in. Commence shootout and more exploding gas leaks. Renee proves she's Jack Bauer with a Vagina, as she gets all hardcore with her shooting, hopping on SUVs, and somersaulting.

Tony shoots his girlfriend in the stomach and then jumps onto Alan. There is bitching and punching and kicking. Just as I say, "I'll bet they say Michelle was pregnant," Tony says, "You didn't just kill my wife; she was pregnant with my son." I'm a regular 24 psychic, I am. Jack busts in and shoots Tony in the shoulder to prevent him from killing Alan.

Tony is taken away and Renee's all tough with Alan, urging him to cooperate in order to get out of major treason charges. He plays it cool, all, "I don't know what you're talking about." Renee tells Jack she can make Alan talk. Oh really, darling? Now torture's OK, yes? It's official, she's Jack. With freckles. Jack offers her some kind of "inspiring" speech, borne from his years of experience. I think it all boiled down to: "Make a choice you can live with." I wasn't really paying attention because I'm not falling for this "Jack's Last Words" crap.

Jack is brought to a hospital, and of course rejects morphine. He calls the Muslim leader dude from a couple hours back to come pray at his bedside. He's converting to Islam before he dies? He wants the 70 virgins I'm guessing. Again, I'm just not falling for this heart-string-tugging stuff. Jack Bauer doesn't die.

Kim shows up and forces her stem cells upon Jack while he's in a coma because her selfish ass isn't ready to let him go. Risks, experimental, may not work, blahblahblah. That's exactly how we figured it would all turn out. No surprise there.

Renee breaks into Alan's interrogation room and holds Janeane Garofalo at gunpoint, disables the cameras, and sets down her badge, taking another 16 pages out of the Jack Bauer Playbook. And that's it. No resolution there. Well this was a bit of a lame ending. Hella lame.

I would not like to reflect on the losses we have suffered over this past season. So I won't. But I did learn one lesson: Never hire family as your Chief of Staff.