I decided to just rip the band-aid off quickly and watch the final 2 episodes at once. Little did I know the finale was 2 hours long. Great. Three hours of the most painful show on television? Sounds like a Saturday night to me. I might need a drink. Yeah, that's a good idea. Mmmm... Woodchuck Cider.
The Not-Really-Brothers have been framed for the assassination of The Indian Whoever. And now the show has become Hotel Break. Long story short: they escape with the aid of manicure scissors and a refrigerator full of toilet paper. Literally.
The Gang's all back together, and the General picks a name out of a hat, choosing Michael Rapaport. He then has Rapaport's handicapped wife killed to drive home the get-Scylla-or-I-kill-your-loved-ones threat. Rapaport jumps out the window and into the harbor, swimming his way into a hospital. His stunt double in this first hour was particularly hilarious. Last I checked, Rapaport doesn't have straight, frosted hair. In the hospital, he's questioned by agents, and then Mommy's guy attempts to murder him.
The Indian Prime Minister hears a rumor that the Chinese are responsible for his son's death, and he decides he wants to kick their ass. He asks Mommy Dearest for the Scylla technology so he can blow them the hell up. Meanwhile, she reaches out to China to offer them the same technology. Wow, Mommy wants to start up an Indian-Chinese war? She's one tough bitch.
The Not-Brothers and Mahone get Scylla from Mommy when she's in a bank. They get separated and Mommy catches Lincoln. She shoots Linc while she's on the phone with Michael, letting him know that his Not-Brother will die within 5 hours if she doesn't get Scylla back. Meanwhile, the General sends T-Bag out to get Sara and they hold her in exchange for Scylla.
Michael rigs a bomb out of materials I didn't take note of, but they were probably candy necklaces and Cheetos, maybe some toothpaste. He meets up with Mommy and blows her man up, but she gets away with Lincoln.
Our old pal Sucre is walking the streets of Chicago with diapers under his arm when he's picked up by someone we don't see. This is the part where I clap my hands and yell, "I hope it's C-Note" in a high-pitched girlie voice. AND I GOT MY WISH!!! IT'S C-NOTE! OK, this is officially worth it now. I don't mind watching. I love you, C-Note!! I guess C-Note's deal with the feds has fallen through, and he wants to catch Lincoln and Michael and hand them over to Some Dude in exchange for his freedom.
There's far too much double-crossing going on here, as Mahone strikes a deal with Mommy. He'll get her Scylla in exchange for the safety of his wife and Lincoln's life. He likes Lincoln; he doesn't particularly care whether Michael lives or dies. But of course he's not really double-crossing, and is in fact working with Michael. This show makes me dizzy.
There's lots of lovely, hammy scenery chewing, as T-Bag does his nasty/sexy murderous/rapey thing with Sara. "I'll return you in one piece, but that piece is gonna be a little used." OH SNAP, SON! Sara's all, "I know you have neurologic e.d.; you can't do crap" and then Michael shows up and kicks T-Bag's ass.
Michael and Sara have half of Scylla and Mahone and Lincoln have the other half and eventually they're all reunited. Unfortunately, Lincoln is spitting up lots of blood. They take him to the hospital where Michael Rapaport is being questioned, and one of those agents arrests Mahone while Sara sneaks in to get supplies. Then The General's man nabs them and brings them all to The General.
The Dude working with C-Note and Sucre turns out to be Paul Kellerman!! Again, I guessed it was him, squealing his name, before they revealed him. OMG I FORGOT ABOUT PAUL KELLERMAN!!!! I knew you weren't really killed!!! I LOVE YOU TOO! They're bringing back all the Old Sillies trying to make me happy. It's working.
Sucre and C-Note nab T-Bag and torture The General's location out of him. They show up and shoot The General's remaining guys. It's up to Michael to decide whether he's gonna kill The General or not. Guess what he picks? Pussy.
They all run off to get Scylla to hand it over to Kellerman. Mommy shows up to their little hideout and Michael holds a gun on her. He actually pulls the trigger this time, but it misfires. Sara shoots and kills Mommy just as Mommy shoots Michael, catching him in the shoulder.
Michael and his gunshot wound meet with Kellerman, who is working for the Anti-Company and the United Nations. LOL, I don't know how the UN got involved in this mess, but why wouldn't they I guess. Kellerman says every last one of them will be exonerated. Michael has trust issues - go figure - but eventually turns over Scylla. Oh thank god.
Now everyone has a final meeting in a conference room, signing their little pardons. Why they have to sign is beyond me. I guess they have to agree not to sue the United Nations for their various gunshot wounds. They're all told that their loved ones are safe, and T-Bag is taken back to prison. Well isn't this just a happy ending?
As Michael and Sara walk along the beach, Michael's nose starts to bleed. Oh Christ. Didn't we get past those nosebleeds?
Four Years Later. Oh crap, I hate epilogues. Mahone mails his ex-wife a birthday card, and has hooked up with that black agent he was partnered with. HELLS YES! Lincoln is with Sofia, living on a beach. Sucre is with his daughter. C-Note works for UPS and lives in suburbia. Kellerman is a sexy Congressman. Michael Rapaport is a vegetable in a wheelchair. The General is executed in an electric chair. T-Bag is back in Fox River, with a twink holding his pocket like the good old days. Sara is with her son. And Sara, Lincoln, Mahone, and Sucre gather together... around Michael's grave. How dumb. What was the point of that? Ugh. I'm not sad... at least C-Note, Sucre, Kellerman, and Mahone lived.
Oh, Prison Break, I did so love you that glorious first season. I wish you had always remained Oz-lite. Instead, you're the perfect example of a show overstaying its welcome.