I Am Inconsolable

OK, so I love the original, British Life on Mars. It's amazing. A-may-zing. If you haven't seen it, watch it. I tried the American version for I think all of one episode before I realized that America totally screwed it up. Of course.

The show got canceled (aw, what a shame) and last night was the series finale. Mike still watches the show because if Mike has 2 qualities they are: blind loyalty and lack of taste. So I say to him, "I want to see how it ends." He says, "No, you don't." But I figured, "I don't expect it to be good, I just want to see how America screwed this one up." So he fast-forwarded to the end - in order to save me time. And thank god he did. Because watching about the final 6 minutes was all I needed to see.

I want to hunt down everyone associated with the American version of Life on Mars and kill them. Not just kill them - I want to sit on their throats and slowly suffocate them.

Spoiler alert. And if you care about spoilers for the U.S. Life on Mars, die. Please note: this is nowhere close to the ending of the original show. Which was epic and a thing of beauty.

The whole thing was a dream - the "cops" on the show aren't in 1973, they're in 2035 -- and on board a flight to Mars. You think this is a massive April Fool's Joke, right? If it were it would be great. It's not. It's a fact.

Get it? Life on MARS!? OH MY GOD I AM LIVID!!! I HATE AMERICA AND ITS LITERAL BOLLOCKS!!!!

So the crew of this shuttle is on the way to Mars, and while they were in cryo-sleep or whatever nonsense, Sam was dreaming up this life in 1973. Oh and you'll never guess who the president is: President Obama. But it's a she - one of his daughters. Oh how funny. hahaha I'm not laughing.

Just when I think things couldn't get any worse, they sully the good name of one of the greatest characters ever created for television -- Gene Hunt (the British version). The crew are talking about the work they're going to be doing on Mars and Ray actually says... wait for it..."This will be one successful gene hunt." I STARTED RETCHING!!!!

I paced back and forth in my living room while watching this. I doubled over in pain and disbelief. I cried the tearless cry of the insane. This is truly the biggest abomination I have ever seen on television.

Thanks so much, ABC, for dumbing down one of the greatest shows ever. I. HATE. YOU.