Unstoppable

I thought I had seen every action movie setup known to man. There was even that one movie where the refrigerated truck had to stay cold, wasn't there? But here's a new one: a runaway train. I'd love to say Unstoppable was about more than a runaway train, but... it really wasn't.

Don't get me wrong, I actually loved this movie. Like, really enjoyed it for what it was. But that's not to say I wasn't laughing half the time. Sometimes it felt like a big joke Tony Scott and Denzel Washington were pulling on Hollywood. Like they didn't think anyone would actually fund it and then, when they did, they had to go through with it. But even if it were a joke, those 2 know how to make a movie. Throw in Chris Pine as the young whippersnapper and Rosario Dawson and Kevin Corrigan to make me happy and you've got the makings of a good movie.

A lot of the movie is told through news reports, and sometimes that gets annoying. It relies on the news for a lot of exposition. But then you realize that, really, that's the age we live in. News reporters would be on the scene quickly, news helicopters would be flying inches from the speeding train, and there would be computer animations of impending explosions.

Unstoppable has all of the action movie cliches, only this time with trains. This parody from Saturday Night Live is pretty dead-on. And you've gotta love it for the mindless fun.

The Challenge: Cutthroat

I’m 2 episodes behind! Let’s go!

Dan’s starting to waver in his sobriety, and is thinking about drinking again. No, really? Can’t imagine how that would happen.... He calls his mommy to help him. Well, look at that – someone made a mature decision in the house! And even though I expect it not to hold, it does. For now anyway.

There’s a lot of gay oral sex talk going on, but tragically it’s just talk – a debate as to whether it’s gay or not. Yeah, Ty, it’s gay. So do it!

Blah blah swimming challenge is boring blah blah. Until Chet gets a concussion and goes white – and I mean WHITE – even for Chet. He looks like a zombie – it’s freaking awesome! And then of course the black dude can’t swim and Brandon has to be rescued in the water. Stop living up to stereotypes, man!

Ty does his usual thing where he overreacts and Emily does her usual thing where she eggs him on and then gets mad when he overreacts and a plant ends up in someone’s bed. Yawn. Someone slap somebody!

Gulag: Ty v. Brandon and Katie v. Camila.

Bye-bye: Katie and Ty. His team gets hella pissed when he just lays down but, um, it looked like he was literally exhausted. Just cuz he can’t turn as white as Chet did? Assholes. That’s 2 Blues down.

At the start of the next episode, Chet returns from the hospital, but is sent home because of his head injury. Bye-bye: Chet.

Since you’d assume Brandon loves to live up to stereotypes, the Red Team chooses him to do the part of the challenge that basically involves shooting a basketball. But Brandon shows those racists –– he doesn’t make any baskets. You go boy! The Gray Team wins just as they did last episode.

Gulag: Emily v. Melinda and Derrick v. Brandon. The Red Team sucks – just because their racist asses volunteered Brandon to shoot baskets, they blame him for their loss.

Brad gets his panties in a bunch because Camila voted for him, and of course Tori’s panties follow. So now they have it out for Camila. So what – Brad didn’t get sent to the Gulag anyway. That Red Team stinks.

Bye-bye: Melinda (duh) and Brandon (duh). Now the Red Team REALLY stinks.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: People still use shortwave radios? I guess so, because a bunch of people around the world are using them in some kind of shortwave radio chatroom. They all receive a transmission of numbers, have a seizure and, get amnesia.

Peter and Faux-livia are all cozied up with breakfast in bed as if they're in a lovely, long-term relationship, until duty calls. I'm not too gung-ho about Peter and Olivia hooking up, but I'm OK with it this way since it's not really Olivia. Just makes for more angst once that's revealed!

Walter's pissed at Peter because he's still working on the Otherworldly Peter Death Machine. Nina has a heart-to-heart with Walter over some weed, telling him he should let Peter continue his investigation.

The shortwave radios pick up number broadcasts, some kind of codes transmitted by who knows who. But along with the numbers, some dude is transmitting a pulse that gave them amnesia. He does it again later with a transmission to the pilot of a small plane.

The investigation leads to the First People - people before the dinosaurs. The numbers are the keys to the universe, and the dude wants to keep people from discovering what they mean.

Faux-livia goes to see the dude, who is from the Other Universe, working for Walternate, to scold him for being sloppy. Just as he's about to be discovered, Faux-livia pushes him out of a window and he splatters onto the ground at Broyles's and Peter's feet, leaking mercury. He was a shapeshifter.

Astrid, kind of channeling Other Astrid, cracks the code. The numbers represent several locations around the world. The closest one is in New Jersey, and buried deep beneath the ground (wow, they really took a chance that Astrid was right - they dug a bigass hole) is a large stone thing containing part of a machine. One of the locations is also Walter's old house in Massachusetts. The locations are all pieces of Walternate's Death Device.

At the end, Faux-livia receives instructions through the Otherworldly Typewriter. Initiate Phase Two.

Walter's Line of the Week: "I feel a bowel movement coming on." Goddammit, Walter, that was just unnecessary!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Cucumber and cheese sandwich - the best food for thought, as developed by Walter. It worked on Astrid!

This Week's Code: DECAY.

The Event

Alien Asian Hottie is injured but not dead, and Sterling goes to visit him, intent on finding out who the mole is. He's still unconscious, but The Dude in the Trunk is discovered and tells everyone that Simon is the bad guy. Sterling decides to investigate a bit, and notices that Simon hasn't aged since he was hired. He's not just a mole - he's an alien! Time for a DNA test, and time for Thomas to go in and switch out the blood samples. At the same time, another alien mole plants incriminating evidence at the coffeeshop with The Dude in the Trunk's fingerprints. It's all so convenient how everyone knows what everyone else is doing and how to stop it.

Simon regains consciousness, and Sterling tells him that he passed his DNA test, and that Murphy is the mole. Shouldn't they now DNA test that dude to confirm? No? Well, I guess if they did someone would just swoop in and change the samples anyway.

In the Land of People I Cannot Stomach, the reporter tells That Annoying Prick Sean and His Dumb Girlfriend all of her alien conspiracy theories, and digs through Dumb Girlfriend's dad's stuff. She finds a list of names and numbers - which of course they determine are codes, codes that That Annoying Prick Sean can crack.

You know what I'd love? If he worked really hard to figure out what the code was but then it turned out that it wasn't anything. Just a list. Alas, The Reporter takes them to one of those high-tech conspiracy dudes who has some kind of great encrypted system that will help Sean. The names are girls who have gone missing and the numbers refer to shell corporations. Mmm-kay.

Wait - Hal Holbrook is alive? He must be -- because he's on this show -- but I'd swear he died a year ago. He's the dude behind DB Sweeney and the whole Let's Kidnap Leila and/or Sean Movement. One of his teams hunts Sean and Leila down just after they crack the code, but those two wily idiots escape, albeit separated from The Conspiracy Nuts.

Dumb Girlfriend's sister is still alive, being held with other little girls -- but they're not just little girls! They're like deformed freaky people! OK, that actually scared me.

Over on the alien side of things, we learn that Sophia is Thomas's mother. They need some nuclear material in order to transport themselves back home.

Pointless Flashback of the Week: 14 years ago, Sterling was in love with a chick who turned out to be a Russian spy. When he got the heads-up from his daddy (who was also in the CIA), he confronted her and wanted to run away with her. But of course she wasn't having any of it. She didn't love you for your looks, you jackass. As she tried to run away, his daddy shot and killed her, letting Sterling take the credit for catching her.

Fringe

Well, that break wasn't so bad. My show is back! And it's Other Universe time!

A guy cuts his way through one of those amber resin quarantine areas, freeing his twin brother and resuscitating him. Meanwhile, that area had been quarantined for 4 years. People stay alive in that amber? That's freaky! Secretary Walternate doesn't want word getting out that people trapped in amber are basically alive, so Fringe Division has to find the twins.

There's a bunch of twins-swapping and Olivias-swapping parallel stuff going on in this episode. And Olivia keeps having Visions of Peter telling her she's from another universe, which she tries to chase away by self-medicating with something.

Because she isn't going through enough already, Walternate puts Olivia through a series of tests to see if she's capable of crossing over between universes. Time to get back in the water tank with the crazy drugs! Over here, there's a nicer tank though, not that cobbled-together thing in the Harvard basement.

While she's in the tank the first time, Olivia totally crosses over for a moment and ends up in a souvenir shop. After being harassed by her Vision of Peter, she goes back in the tank, and ends up in the same shop. The shop is in Our Universe because there's a 9/11 reference and no Twin Towers. Olivia picks up the phone and dials the number to her niece. Then she gets sucked back over... and lies to Walternate, saying she saw nothing.

Line of the Night: The Fringe Team are talking about moms making popsicles as kids and Charlie's all, "My mom made me get her cigarettes." I love you, Charlie! And I really like this Fringe Team!!!

This Week's Code: EVENT. No - bad cross-promotion - don't remind me of that crappy show!!

Congress Just Got Real

I knew he was involved in state politics, but now he's coming for DC. Dude - how about his season being 13 years ago? I remember it like it was yesterday. Meanwhile, I need updated pictures of his 6 kids with Rachel.

The glass ceiling for reality stars in Congress has been shattered, thanks to Real World: Boston standout Sean Duffy, a Republican who picked up an open seat in Wisconsin's 7th District during Tuesday's big election.

Duffy, who spent 1997 finding out "what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real," easily defeated state Sen. Julie Lassa for the job in a contest to replace retiring Rep. David Obey, a Democrat who held the seat for 41 years.

The Associated Press declared Duffy the winner, and he thanked supporters at his victory party shortly before midnight. "What a great night in Wisconsin," Duffy belted.

Duffy filled the "conservative Midwesterner" spot on season 6 of the show and later participated in Road Rules. During his stint as a reality TV star, he met and married Real World: San Francisco beauty Rachel Campos. The couple have six children.

Since leaving Boston, Duffy appeared on 2002's version of Real World/Road Rules Challenge and has made occasional appearances as an ESPN color commentator. Until recently he was the district attorney for Ashland County.

The 7th District includes all or part of 20 central and northwestern Wisconsin counties.

source

The Challenge: Cutthroat

Luke is in love with Camila. Wait, I thought he was gay. Oops.

Paula, proving herself to be the grossest person on a show full of losers, has a humongous, cancerous scab on her chin. Nasty scab-picker.

The challenge is a Bottleneck Stampede that means loads of thrown elbows, squeezing into tight spaces, and hurt feelings.

The rest of the show is boring, with Brad playing Inner Thigh Police and trying to keep Camila from getting too close to Johnny, lest he influence her to sabotage the team. Snooze.

Gulag: Katie v. Ayiia and her busted teeth and Eric v. Luke. It's essentially a slap fight. The contestants are chained to a table by their necks and then swat each other in the faces with flyswatters. Jesus Christ, this is brutal and pointless. Awesome. But at some point, once they clearly could do the slapping thing for hours, endurance is thrown in and they have to keep a bucket up in the air with their opposite arm. Now there's something I'd lose within 3 minutes.

Bye-bye: Ayiia (seriously, where are the consonants?) and Eric.

Project Runway Finale: Finale

I didn't watch the finale live, so I did my best to avoid spoilers. Unfortunately, I saw the headline "The Surprising Winner of Project Runway" on my Google Reader, which can only mean Mondo ain't it. GODDAMMIT! Just please don't let it be Gretchen. Please.

First up, the Final 3 are called into a reunion with the rest of the designers. The reunion is dull and expected, but mercifully short. Gretchen cries over being called a bitch. Bitch.

Gretchen's collection is called "Running Through Thunder". Pretentious bitch. I like the breezy brown dress, and the one pants outfit was cool.



The rest I could do without. She sent a couple diapers down the runway. And did the whole thing have to be so brown? Dirty hippie.



Andy's up next, and his stuff is all silver, but really good, and seems wearable. I love the one-shouldered silver fringe dress, and the green one too. His fabrics were very cool.



Now for Mondo. Call me biased, I freaking loved his stuff. Those leggings were awesome, even if they were paired with a bedazzled tee shirt. And the poofy dress? Love! And, of course, that long polka dot dress that I DIE FOR! The model looks SO GOOD in that.



So I don't get it, goddammit, I don't get how Mondo can't win. Eff you, show.

Guest judge Jessica Simpson says she hopes to wear some of the designs on the red carpet some day. Aw, how sweet -- and optimistic. That would mean 1) she'd have to drop 30-35 pounds and 2) she'd have to be invited to a red carpet event. Keep the dream alive, girlfriend!

Their main beef with Mondo was that a lot looked teenage-y. Well, I guess that explains why I loved it. I'm a 14-year-old at heart. The judges debated more than I ever remember them debating a finale before. The claws are out because they're so split. They take Andy out of the competition first. GODDAMMIT!!! NOT GRETCHEN!!!! Heidi and Jessica go with Mondo, and those old bitches Nina and Michael go with Gretchen. They claim her designs are where fashion's going next. Eff you, fashion!

Winner: Gretchen. I bet they just gave it to her because she's poor. Hippie. I remember that I liked her in the beginning. But much like Hitler, her personality overtook it all and she became a bad person in my eyes. I hope that her ex-husband tries to get half of the money.

The Event

Sophia follows Thomas's instructions on the Metro, but the government is tracking her through some isotope they put in her food. Alien Asian Hottie gets word of this and ingeniously puts that same isotope into the creamer at a coffee shop, so now the government doesn't know which one to track. What's not so ingenious about that plan is that there's a limited number of people who have access to the isotope.

Someone is sent out to test Alien Asian Hottie and his men to see who stole the isotope (it would still give off radiation). In order to avoid the test, Alien Asian Hottie smacks the dude upside the head with his radiation-testing-briefcase and throws him in the trunk of a car. Pwned.

The government finds Sophia on a street camera and tracks her to a warehouse where she meets up with Thomas. AAH shows up too and is all, "Thomas, they're right outside, they're coming" to which Thomas is all, "It's cool, don't worry." The ground starts to shake. Thomas and Sophia escape down some hatch in the floor, but AAH stays behind to help a fallen FBI agent. The ground opens up, a bright light coming through, but AAH gets his man out. He's not as lucky, as the building crumbles down on top of him.

That Annoying Prick Sean and his dumb girlfriend haven't showered yet. Gross. That would be Priority #1 for me after a rescue. He breaks the news to Leila that her mom was killed and her sister's missing. Too bad this chick isn't a good enough actress to adequately portray "anguish" or "shock".

Leila decides she needs to find out the truth about why her dad would be involved in the whole mess, so Sean drives her to her parents' house. Wait - were they in the same state? Why does this show insist on quickly transporting people places with absolutely zero transition!? I hate it!

After digging around in the attic, they find a convenient file folder full of maps and articles about the old crash in Alaska. Some bitch shows up just as they're flipping through it, with a gun, telling them to put it down. Who the hell is this bitch? She's a journalist who tried to expose the Alien Alaska Conspiracy. And she sounds hella nuts and is annoying as hell.

Tonight's flashbacks feature Alien Asian Hottie in the 1950s, in swim trunks, with a girl he loves, until he's taken away by Thomas and called into service. He predictably meets up with that chick years later, when she's old and "senile". All I know is, Alien Asian Hottie had better not be dead or what the hell was the point to this show anyway? (From the previews, he's not dead, so that's awesome. Now if only we could get rid of Sean and Leila.)

The Challenge: Cutthroat

Drunk Cougar Paula makes out with Emily in the hot tub. Oh hey, Emily's on this show.

Some chick named Laurel, who is classy enough to mix her OJ and vodka in her mouth, starts harassing Big Easy for some reason. She's pretty awful to him, calling him fat and ugly. Which he is (plus he's a ginger), but it takes some balls to say it to his face. Balls and vodka. Eric cries about it, because it makes him "upset as a person." Wow, that's real real.

That's OK, because in the challenge, which involves jumping over things from a height over the water, Laurel gets pwned and falls in. Ha bitch! Meanwhile, Shauvon is having a panic attack because she nearly popped an implant doing something similar in the last Challenge. She refuses to do it, and her team gets disqualified.

Katie takes an amazing spill - slamming her face and hilariously flip-falling into the water, getting a black eye in the process. Meanwhile, guess what - Eric's fat ass was able to complete the challenge while Laurel couldn't. Still, his team doesn't win.

Gulag: Eric (his shirt actually says Big Easy) v. Vinny and Katie v. Shauvon.

Before The Gulag, everyone gets drunk (crazy, right?) and starts randomly fighting amongst themselves. Shauvon v. Johnny, Katie v. Emily, Katie v. Ty, Katie v. Johnny. If that wasn't enough, The Gulag is postponed due to weather, which means it's time to get drunk AGAIN. Some random local starts fighting Johnny, giving him the second black eye of the episode.

Eric proves that bitch Laurel wrong by winning The Gulag against Meathead Vinny. I don't know who this asshole Vinny is, but he's definitely an asshole. He gets pissy about getting voted in, then throws a fit when he loses to Eric, stomping off. Dumbass baby.

Shauvon decides she's not going to compete, and of course TJ expresses his disappointment in a quitter. How is TJ doing anyway?

Bye-bye: Vinny (glad I didn't know you) and Shauvon.

Six Got Married!

What's amazing to me is that she looks the damn same. Blossom should take some notes.

In the spirit of her lovable Blossom character Six LeMeure, Jenna von Oy is downright giddy about her new husband, Brad Bratcher.

"We're so happy," the actress, who wed Bratcher on Oct. 10, tells PEOPLE. "My mama told me never to meet a man at a bar – so I did!"

The actress and the Dell computer data consultant, who had dated for two years before they tied the knot, met at a wine bar in Nashville and bonded over a love of author Gabriel Garcia Marquez. They became engaged last New Year's Eve.

The couple's wedding reflected their down-to-earth style: Bratcher, 39, and von Oy, 33, said "I do" in her hometown of Newtown, Conn., in the garden outside a bed and breakfast owned by a former teacher of the bride's.

source

Saturday Night Live Commercials Are Still Good

Saturday Night Live has been 90% crappy this season, but I loved the 2 fake commercials from this weekend.

I know some babies who could have used these.



And this one goes out to KP.

Project Runway Finale: Part 1

Home visitation time! I'm excited to see how poor Gretchen is - is that wrong?

Tim visits Andy in Hawaii, where we learn he's afraid of fish and loves Asian men. That Tim Gunn and I have a LOT in common. Andy's collection is inspired by Laos, made with textiles and metals from Laos. Sounds cool, but he has a lot of work to do.

Michael lives in Palm Springs with his partner, Richard, and his inspirations are the sky and feathers. Of course Michael has 18 looks ready, cuz the boy loves to over-prepare and change his mind 100 times.

Mondo's got a lot of great Mondo stuff, but Tim's a bit worried about some of it looking like teenage pajamas. There's a nice awkward dinner with the parents who disapprove of his gay lifestyle. Asshole parents. But Mondo's BF is waaaaay cute! YUM!

Now we're in the heart of poverty, Portland, Oregon. I'm disappointed that Gretchen appears to have hardwood floors and electricity, and doesn't live in a shack. Turns out her husband (she was married, right?) left her ass and now she's even broker than she used to whine about, if you can believe it. Gretchen's mixing rural cultures in her looks, and there's a bunch of ugly-ass stuff.

Once they're back in NYC, Mondo and Andy are sporting some fierce new hairstyles. Love Andy's extensions!

Collection time! The designers show a 3-look mini collection, including a new look they had to make in 2 days.

I thought Gretchen's stuff looked awful and Mondo's looked amazing. Nope, I'm not biased at all. Goddamn, that polka dot dress was so cool! Loved it! Based on the looks they showed, I'd boot Gretchen, and be OK if Andy left, just because that bikini look was a dumb one to put in the mini-collection. Not a showstopper.

Nina nicely hammers Gretchen for being crunchy granola. Hey Nina, that's rude, she can't afford granola. She's poor.

Mondo's in, of course. Look at this dress!!!




Gretchen's in next. Boo. Andy's in too.

Bye-bye: Michael. That's OK, I won't dispute that he wasn't that great. But I feel badly for him. Sadface. I should say felt badly - because then he had a hilarious crazy, melodramatic breakdown that ended up cracking me up. Your life will go on, Michael. Seriously. Tim talks him down like he's 2. Jackass.

The Event

Oy vey. They gave The Event a full season pickup. Guess I'll watch it. It's not like I have anything else to do.

The zombie passengers are still bleeding from the nose and some of them are freaking the eff out. Thomas calls the President to tell him he has the antidote to save the passengers... if the President releases Sophia and the rest of the aliens from their Alaskan prison. Thomas's voice freaks me out. It sounds really familiar, but I can't place it. Maybe he sounds like Ghostface from Scream? He has a similar cadence. I don't know.

At any rate, we don't negotiate with terrorists. Or do we? Yes, we do, because eventually the President tells Thomas that if he doesn't give them the antidote he's going to execute Sophia and the aliens. Oh snap!!! You just got served!!! This President has some balls. Now I like him.

When his Security Dude tells him how it's gonna be hella easy to kill everyone - they just have to seal off the living quarters and pump in some carbon monoxide - he seems to start to back down, but nope - he's all in. Do it.

Alien Asian Hottie tells Sophia what's about to happen - seriously, do these people just fly to Alaska on a whim??? Do they have a transporter???? - so Sophia's all, "Order Thomas to give them the antidote." AAH zips back down to the Continental U.S., but Thomas isn't having it. He doesn't take orders from that C up in Alaska!

Or does he? Because Thomas calls the President: "I'll give you the antidote if you just release Sophia." Wow, we are quite literally negotiating here. He tells the President to put Sophia on the Metro at the Farragut North station. Oh hells yes!!! That's my station!!!! (I'm suddenly paying attention to this show, because I love random things like that.) Sure, once they go into the Metro, it's hella phony, but they did still have the Red Line going to Glenmont, which is accurate.

That Annoying Prick Sean recharges his phone and gets Leila's message. He calls her at the police station, but of course his cell phone starts to go out. Then Leila notices the screensaver picture slideshow on the cop's computer - starring the real cop and his family. She also sees a spot of blood on the floor, so that smart cookie knows exactly what's happening. She tries to escape, but can't get out. Aaaaand now she's back to being locked up.

Sean, His Horrible Facial Hair, and the Female FBI Agent drive up to the station, where of course Vicky and DB Sweeney are hiding. In the meantime, he has a convenient friend conveniently trace Vicky's cell phone, which he's conveniently tracked to their exact location. Sean texts Vicky a picture of her son. So she calls him back and he's all, "I'm gonna put your kid's picture and address all over the internet unless you let me get Leila." Perv.

That weird threat works, because when Sean walks into the station, Vicky fires on everyone else and lets Sean get away with Leila (and an injured DB Sweeney, just for kicks).

Tonight's Flashbacks: Thomas and the Alien Asian Hottie leave the crash site back in the 1940's. Thomas worked on the Manhattan Project and helped speed up the process of developing the nuclear bomb. Also, Vicky got her son when she assassinated everyone in the house the baby lived in, and then decided to keep it. Interesting. Not.

You know what this show would be better without? 1. Flashbacks. 2. Sean.

The Challenge: Cutthroat

This was my first time watching the opening credits and - guess what? - they suck. Like, I'd rather watch those offensive tribal ones than this nonsense of them just walking out of planes and limos. Beyond pointless and of no relevancy.

Abram's awesome because he perpetuates everyone's fears that the house is haunted by making up stories. He might be an idiot, but at least he knows the rest of them are idiots too.

I don't know who this crazy, Kristen Stewart-lookalike Laurel is, but she makes for a good angry drunk who likes to eff with people. I dig her.

I don't know if it's because there's so many people, or because the show knows I don't know half these people, but everyone has their names on the front of their shirts this year. Whatever the case, thank you for that. (Then, in the preview for next week, I see that their names are on their asses too. Perfect.)

Gulag: Cara Maria v. Mandi and Brandon v. JD.

Bye-bye: Mandi and JD. Well, boo to JD - I actually know who he is.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a look inspired by NYC. So we're back to being vague.

Michael chooses the Statue of Liberty, April and Mondo choose the Brooklyn Bridge, Andy does Central Park, and Gretchen picks the Lower East Side because she's a dirty hippie.

Why has it taken so long for Gretchen's underbite to bother me? I guess I've always known something was off about her, but just figured out what it was. It actually hurts my jaw to look at her now.

Mondo takes a nap during the challenge, but let's be real, people - he's HIV positive. Let the man with the weakened immune system nap when he needs to nap, OK?

OMG Michael does a killer Michael Kors impression!!! It's seriously amazing and freaky!

Michael's dress is gorgeous, but is it too simple? April and Andy's looks were good, but very typical of their work. Not just typical, but identical to stuff we've seen before. I guess Mondo's was typical Mondo too, but his style is just awesome so I forgive that. I liked the pattern of the fabric of Gretchen's skirt, but it's all pretty boring and blah.

The judges hammered Gretchen for falling off (she's tired, y'all!) and April for making the same damn dress over and over. They really liked Michael's so I guess it wasn't so simple after all.

Bye-bye: April. Damn, I really thought they'd give her the spot in the finale just because she's so young and she could be the dark horse candidate. But she's too repetitive, and Gretchen will be bitchier. So now it's up to Mondo to kick Gretchen's ass!

The Challenge: Cutthroat

When I found out that TJ Lavin was in a coma, I immediately had 2 thoughts. 1. TJ hates quitters, so if he dies does that mean he'll be disappointed in himself? 2. I haven't watched the new Challenge yet. So I'm watching the first episode as a kind of vigil for TJ.

Everyone lands in the Czech Republic. Jesus Christ, Brad and Paula are still doing these things? I don't know half these people because I've been out of the Fresh Meat and Real World loops for a while, but I know that Ayiiia has too many vowels in her name. Newbies always get kicked off first anyway.

Here are the updates that stood out to me: Brad and Tori got married - oh, I'm sorry, Brad got "wifed up". Can't wait to see them do a Challenge together once they're divorced! Melinda's here - she and Danny got married but now - SHOCKER! - THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED!!! AHAHAHAHA. Of course. Katie has decided to get herself an education and plans to be a criminal profiler. Someone's been watching a lot of CSI in her spare time. Dan is "in recovery" so he doesn't drink. A Challenge probably isn't going to be the best environment for you, buddy. If anything, it's the ultimate test of sobriety. Good luck. And Abram has written a children's book. I hope that it's not about how to deal with anger issues.

Is holding elimination challenges in "The Gulag" culturally insensitive? Is the next step having them in "The Concentration Camp"? Seems inappropriate to me.

As usual, I zone out during the challenge rules. It's some overly-complicated puzzle... and it takes place in a gas chamber. Really? Episode 1 and my concentration camp challenge is already becoming a reality. Jesus Christ.

Voting people into The Gulag is done secretly now, so that's awesome. Sure enough, I have no idea who the first 2 guys and girls voted in are. That's awesomer because now I can really zone out and not care.

Bye-bye: Derek and Emilee. I hardly (as in, I didn't at all) knew ye. Emilee's parting words are a little something like this: "You win some, you lose some, but nothing's better than getting some, and I'm going home to get some cuz there's no one here to get some with." Wow, yeah, that about sums it up.

Get better, TJ!

Fringe

Peter and Faux-livia are on a date, and it seems like Faux-livia might be catching feelings. Turns out that becomes the theme of the episode - people from the Other Universe taking on the emotions of the people whose lives they've taken over.

A Senator gets hit by a car and is rushed to the hospital. His heart isn't beating but he's still breathing. Then suddenly Newton busts in to take the body. In the process of running from Broyles, he shoots the Senator in the eye. The Senator bleeds mercury. Dun-dun-duuuuunnnn. The Senator's a shapeshifter, and they need to figure out how long he's been such, since he's had all kinds of security clearance.

Walter's running Massive Dynamic, which for him involves giving a crazy-ass presentation that ends in him pulling his pants down because he's hot (and high on LSD). He takes a break when he's pulled away to examine the shapeshifter's body, which he does... through the eyeball. *puke* During the course of his examination, he "reactivates" the body. He brings the body back to the Massive Dynamic lab to try to recover the thing's data source, its brain.

You know who I don't like? Sneaky-ass Faux-livia. Newton keeps calling her, and they'd better watch it or they're gonna get caught. Idiots. She tells him where he can find the reactivated body. Newton enlists another shapeshifter (damn, are there tons of them just living among us!?) to collect the body.

Meanwhile, at Massive Dynamic, Walter's going to use the Faux-Senator's emotional connection to his wife to lure out memories. She talks to the Senator as if he's in a coma or something, and eventually he shows neural activity. Suddenly he jolts awake and starts reciting a list of hotels they were going to stay in on a trip. Well, that's not helpful.

The shapeshifter ends up in an elevator with Walter and for a minute there I thought he wanted to take over Walter's body. No no no no no this just can't happen. They fight and I love how clearly panicked Peter is when he realizes Walter's been attacked. Yay Peter still loves his Papa!

The shapeshifter gets the data disc out of the Faux Senator's spine, but doesn't kill Walter. He doesn't want to have to shift to another body, because he's ended up falling in love with his wife and kid. His repayment for that weakness? Newton shoots him in the head. That heartless, emotionless bastard.

Peter and Faux-livia chase Newton down, and of course Faux-livia swipes the data disc off of him before taking him into custody. Bitch. Newton's in prison, and ingests something that Faux-livia brings him. As Faux-livia and Peter get it on back at her place, Newton falls to the floor of his prison cell, leaking mercury from his ears. So was that like a cyanide pill for shapeshifters? Is this the end of Newton? Sad - I liked that Gordon Ramsay lookalike.

Walter's Line of the Night: "Don't eat my pudding."

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Candy buttons, the little candies on rolls of paper. But Peter brings him Red Vines instead.

This Week's Code: SHIFT.

I hate to say it, but I might enjoy this show more when it's in the Other Universe. After last week's amazing episode this one seemed like a letdown. The Other Universe has Charlie and My Olivia and Pizza Face. But of course, it doesn't have Pacey and My Walter.......

Three weeks til the next one??? What? A break already? Bollocks!

Oh Happy Day

A new "Between Two Ferns" with Zach Galifianakis -- starring Bruce Willis! (Some brief NSFW language)

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Bruce Willis from Bruce Willis

The Event

Sean and the Female FBI Agent drive off, chased by the Phony FBI Agent. She shoots the phony dude in the neck as they drive. Booyah! Female FBI Agent wants revenge for all her dead buddies, so she wants to work with Sean to find that Kidnapping Bitch, Vicky. Guess what my main problem with this show is? I don't like Sean. He's a boring, whiny thing with awful facial hair. So I really don't care what happens to him. Or his girlfriend, who is currently tied up in a basement somewhere. Lucky for her, D.B. Sweeney drops a bottle on the floor and leaves some glass shards behind. Well, duh, wonder what she'll do with those?

The now-living, once-dead passengers of the flight are being questioned, but can't remember anything about the flight. The pilot remembers that the chick who threatened to kill his daughter - and forced him to fly the plane - was named Vicky.

The President gets a call from someone claiming to be responsible for pulling the plane from the sky. He wants all of the aliens released, or this time people will die. Vague threat is vague. So the President questions Sophia, telling her that he knows she killed one of her own that had planned to talk. Sophia tells him that the alien responsible is Thomas - a charismatic, intelligent, impulsive leader. She's all, You better do what he says.

That Annoying Prick Sean hacks into the National Intelligence Database to search for Kidnapping Bitch's aliases. They make some kind of leap that leads them to think she's in a house nearby. As they head for the door, this is clearly a Silence of the Lambs-style fakeout, but I appreciate the show for trying. Not. Sure enough, they've got the wrong house. Kidnapping Bitch isn't there, but her mother and son are. Jesus, but this show is full of plot contrivances. Good thing that kid was there, unsupervised, and good thing Sean was wandering around the house and ran into him, and good thing Sean had a picture of Vicky to show to the kid. They confront Vicky's mother and she gives them a phone number for Vicky.

Now we're back with the formerly-dead passengers, and they're all having nosebleeds. Well, that can't be good.

Just as she's about to be executed, Leila fights back, shoots at Vicky, and escapes. She finds a cop, who takes her to the local po-dunk station. It turns out that the kidnappers had set up her escape. They wanted her to call Sean, which she did. She had to leave him a message, though, because his cell phone battery is dead.

Tonight's flashbacks are of Sniveling Idiot Sean having Thanksgiving with Leila and her parents. They went a little something like this: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

So what the hell do I do with this show? I don't care about any of the characters, and I find most of them annoying. Plus, when the show ended tonight I didn't realize it was actually the end and I was all, "That's it?" So I'm thinking that means I'm done with it.

Project Runway: Finally a BITCHY Episode

Challenge: Design activewear for Heidi's line. Yuck -- boring. Her line is super boring, it doesn't allow for full creativity, and the designers all hate the challenge. So at least it's funny to watch them get frustrated and hate their lives!

Mondo gets really bitchy with Heidi when she criticizes his work-in-progress. It's AMAZING! They are bitchy as hell! LOVE IT! He wasn't rude - he had every right. She just came in and sarcastically cut up everything he was doing. Eff her. Team Mondo! She's fabulously bitchy with Gretchen too. Team Heidi!

Then, after that crappy Work Room Visit and the crappy Boring Challenge, Heidi demands 2 additional looks. Eff you, Heidi. Your activewear line sucks and it sucks that someone has to go home for this crappy, narcissistic challenge.

Ousted designers are sent in to help. Oh, how I missed Casanova. He busts on Michael's color scheme - saying it looks like pumpkin pie and Thanksgiving. He's 100% right.

Ivy, a bitch who never lets things go, accuses Michael of cheating. Not on this challenge, mind you - on a previous one. She says his Jackie O Challenge dress was taped together, and accuses him of sabotaging everyone else as a result. Step off, bitch! Ivy and Michael go back and forth and she's a humongous bitch. Bitter much? Team Michael!

It gets to the point where Tim comes in and is all, "There's an accusation of cheating?" And Ivy, of course, rambles on and on about The Case of the Double Stick Tape. Tim's like, "Too late, bitch. Too bad, too sad. The cameras and producers would have caught it. Go die." I could be paraphrasing. I still don't even get how that would be cheating. People have been hot glueing stuff on this show for centuries.

On the runway, Gretchen's stuff bored me and some of it was gross, Andy's was cool - he made great use of a stripey pattern, April's was alright, Christopher's were pretty basic pieces, Michael's were over-styled and looked like Thanksgiving, and then Mondo's collection came down last and was amazing. It was definitely the best in terms of following the challenge but still being different and fashionable. Yay Mondo! Don't let that bitch keep you down!

Christopher, Gretchen, and Michael are in the bottom. I didn't think Christopher belonged there - I liked his pants and I would have put April there instead because of that one shorts outfit. But the judges convinced me when they picked apart his construction and proportion. On closer inspection, Gretchen had Christopher's weird proportion problem, and Michael's color and over-styling problem, plus her stuff was ugly.

Winner: Andy. All 3 of his pieces will be produced for Heidi's lame-ass line. I hope they outsell her pieces.



Bye-bye: Christopher. NO GODDAMMIT! I hate when someone I like goes home for a crappy challenge. At least Heidi got in a nice parting shot with Gretchen when she was safe: "Constructive criticism is not your enemy." I love that Heidi had to get in the last word. What a bitch!



Thanks for finally coming through with some bitchy drama, show!!

Fringe

It's Other Universe time! Otherworldly Freak of the Week: A guy sets things in motion leading to a chick getting pwned by a bus. It was like he knew what to do in order to make the chick get hit.

OMG let me just say again how thankful I am for the Other Universe - because we get Charlie back. And Charlie & Olivia being BFFs. It's freaking heaven. Olivia's back to work at Fringe Division, though of course thinks she's Faux-livia.

We also get Walter being large and in charge and I love it. He tells Broyles that Olivia is important because she can cross between the universes - and will help them "defend themselves" (which I have a feeling is code for "taking over our universe").

The Fringe Team finds a pen when investigating the bus accident - it's the first thing that the guy placed down in order to start the chain reaction that led to the accident. Apparently, pens haven't been used in about 20 years. They also see a pen at the scene of a prior bus accident, and then again at another accident.

At the scene of the third accident, Olivia notices the creepy chain-reaction dude (Milo) -- because he's hella creepy. He escapes by setting off another series of chain reactions. This dude is Dustin Hoffman in Rainman or something, he's really good. The actor was creepy and strange in the best way possible for this show.

Anyway, all of the victims are connected to a hospital, where a doctor is conducting a drug trial that essentially makes people smarter. The doctor takes people with IQs under 60 and give them amazing math skills (also, they use pens, so there you go). Milo targeted the victims because the drug trial was ending, and these people were going to regress him back to dummy state. Guess he didn't want to be no dummy.

The show had a cool way of showing what was going on in Milo's mind - taking a scenario, dividing it into different outcomes, then running it backwards to see how to start the chain reaction, and then doing it. He finally gets caught when Olivia chases him without stopping for oxygen like he thought she would. Oxygen's needed when you pass by areas of compromised air quality, though it's not entirely clear to me what that means. But obviously this Olivia "forgot" about the whole oxygen thing.

Olivia sees a vision of Peter standing on the street, and our Walter at the hospital. And later her vision of Peter talks to her, saying she's alive because she forgot protocol, because she's not really Faux-livia. Ooooo are they bleeding through her subconscious? Awesome! I also love that her vision of Peter includes his awesome black peacoat. That's my vision of Peter too!

In the end, Walternate and his scientist, Brandon, discuss how to relax Olivia enough to get her to jump to the other side. The answer, as it always is, is the sensory deprivation water tank. Jesus, that girl's been in it like 2 or 3 times already!

Background details: a beggar who was an "Aruba War" veteran. Avocados are rare and expensive. Faux-livia's sister is dead. And then there's the pen thing - I'm not clear -- do they just not write with anything anymore? Not even to just jot down a quick note?

This Week's Code: BREACH.

The Event

As Sean and the FBI are getting ready to leave the scene of the plane crash, they're hit by an RV for some reason. Sean pulls the female agent from the car but everyone else involves is smooshed dead and then lit on fire. When don't Hollywood car crashes end in explosions?

While the FBI agent was unconscious, Sean got into her computer and downloaded a picture of the chick who kidnapped Leila onto it. He wants the FBI to run facial recognition software on it to find out who this chick is. In order to do that, he hides out in her trunk and sneaks into the FBI server room. Suuuuuuure. Aliens, I'll believe. Easily sneaking into the FBI and hacking into their facial recognition program? No.

The Chick Sean Wants To Facially Recognize is driving with Leila in the back of a Rape Van when she's pulled over by a cop, whom she promptly kills. In the meantime, she's in the FBI system under multiple aliases.

President Underwood heads to the site of the plane crash landing, seeing all of the passengers scattered across the desert. He then heads to see Sophia, to confront her about the existence of the other aliens, and his suspicion that they're the ones responsible for the deaths of the passengers. She won't snitch. He's all, Whatever, bitch, I just told everyone up at that Alaskan prison that I'll free whoever gives me the info I want.

And sure enough, someone takes him up on his offer. The Alien Dude meets with the Director of National Intelligence, but demands to get his girlfriend out of the prison too before he'll give up the details. So his girlfriend is released.... and promptly kills him. Sophia had asked that the Alien Dude be "dealt with harshly" and I guess his GF doesn't take kindly to tattletales.

U.S. Intelligence is beyond intelligent, figuring out who Sean is and that he may have a role in the crash. They connect those dots REALLY fast. Agents from "the Washington field office" come to transfer Sean, but they're not really the good guys (they work for the Kidnapping Bitch), there's a shootout, and Sean and the Female FBI Agent drive off.

In the end, at the temporary morgue for the crash victims, the passengers start to sit up, coming back to life. ZOMBIES!?!? That's kind of cool.

Project Runway

The designers arrive in the workroom to find their childhood pictures. Challenge: Design your own fabric for your look. I loved this challenge last time - when they got to create their own textiles - very cool. The textile has to be personal and somehow based on their life; the design can be anything.

April, naturally, has a dark take on this challenge, and draws something based on her parents' divorce. Mondo designs something with a plus sign... because of his HIV-positive status. Nooooo! Mondooooo! He's been positive for 10 years, so I'm just going to pray he has a Magic Johnson-type immune system. Oy, I was warned not to watch this while on an airplane. This is going to be a tearjerker. I'm just going to assume that their parents will be joining them later, and that Mondo tells his mom his status. And I'm considering jumping out of the emergency exit right now.

Sure enough, Tim ushers in this week's special guests -- their mothers. Oy. Even Gretchen's mom got to come, and she is apparently dirt poor and never leaves the house because of a crippled husband. Good lord, people, are you trying to KILL ME? Oh wait, now Michael's son comes in. Come on!

Finally things get hot when Christopher's partner JJ arrives. Thank god - I'll just concentrate on that. Everyone gets the day off to hang out, and there's lots of venting to mothers, but Mondo still can't tell his mom about his status. Can I see Christopher and his partner back at the apartment, please?

Design-wise there was a lot of crap, after everyone got distracted and forgot how to design. April's look was pretty good - typical, emo April. The print was good, but the bottom of the dress was a bit of a scrappy mess. I liked Andy's print, even though the outfit was gross. Mondo's pants were amazing and really showcased the print. I did NOT like Valerie's dress, and I didn't think it showcased the print at all. Same with Gretchen's pants, and the print placement on the shirt sucked. Michael's dress was OK, and I liked Chistopher's look, but it seems like something the judges would knock for being old or too plain.

The judges say a lot of "safe" and "boring" and "this isn't fashion" and they think Valerie's was too similar to her prior napkin dress. Good point. Really it's only Mondo who's perfect here. He was asked about the inspiration for the print, of course, and finally announces his HIV status on the runway. Michael cries first. Of course he does. Michael is a big softie. Mondo smiles after the revelation, and feels good, and how can he not win at this point? He doesn't just have the best story, he has the best outfit BY FAR.

Winner: Mondo. Duh. Is that 3 in a row now? He has to win this whole thing, he just has to.



Bye-bye: Valerie. I'm fine with that -- she was always not-quite-good-enough. But Andy's outfit was pretty bad too. Hopefully it really was just because of the distraction, and he can get it together.



Things got a bit weepy for me as Valerie said some lovely good-byes to everyone. But then she hugged Mondo and that huge hairy mole was on display. Moment: gone.

Next week we get bitchiness and accusations of cheating!? Yes please - bring back the bitchy!

Fringe

We're back in our Universe, so we get a Freak of the Week: Some guys hold a family hostage while digging in their basement, uncovering a metal box. Once opened, the box scrambles their brains and makes them bleed out of their noses, everyone (including the family) but one.

We find out that Faux-livia has been working with Newton (remember, the dude with the transplanted head who looks like Gordon Ramsay?) to review files and videos on Olivia, the team, pop culture in general, etc.

The Team works to review Walternate's Doomsday Machine blueprints, Pacey and Olivia drink and dance, and then the team is called to the House of Nosebleeds. Faux-livia knows that it's an Other Universe device, tells Newton, and works outside of the team to investigate.

Walter figures out the cause of death was soundwaves -- "silent but deadly". Naturally, Walter links this to his farts. Naturally.

The guy with the deadly box follows Faux-livia to her house, so he can return it to the proper authorities. Turns out he's deaf, which would be why the frequency didn't kill him. Newton comes over to collect the box and tells Faux-livia to kill Deaf Guy, which she does. Shoots him right in the back of the head, and drags him through her apartment -- until Peter knocks on her door. She feigns being in the shower, stashes the body, and then lets him in. In order to distract him from the blood seeping into the living room beneath the bedroom door, she makes out with him on the couch, but they're interrupted by a call from Broyles.

For some reason, Newton took the box down to a subway station and left it with a freaky tiny little homeless dude, who opened it, killing a bunch of people. They know the dude took the box with him down the subway tracks. So Peter volunteers to suit up, SWAT-team style, and is made temporarily deaf by Olivia shooting her gun right next to each ear. That was cool. He finds the little dude... and a second later the dude's head explodes. CHRIST!

Peter grabs the box and recognizes the markings on it as markings from the Doomsday Machine, meaning it's from the Other Universe. He can't close the box, so instead works to disarm it. Didn't realize he had that ability, but sure I'll buy it. But wait - there's a subway train coming! Jesus, it's a Thrill a Minute here. Faux-livia pushes him out of the way and all is good. When Peter reviews the blueprints, he sees the device on them.

In other news, Walter and Nina receive their gifts from Bell's will. Walter's is a note that says "Don't be afraid to cross the line" and a key to a safety deposit box. Would some cash have killed you? At the end of the episode, Walter heads to the bank to get the box. The contents? Massive Dynamic stock. Like, all of it. He's the sole shareholder now. SILLY!

Grossout of the Week: DID I NEED A CLOSE-UP OF THEM PULLING OUT BRAINS? NO I DID NOT! That or the head explosion - either one.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Chocolate milk. As in, he's trying to make Gene the Cow produce chocolate milk. Also bacon-flavored pudding. Why does he mention that? In answer to "What would surprise you?" "Bacon-flavored pudding, that would surprise me."

This Week's Code: ALERT.

The Event

Last we saw, a plane headed for the President got sucked into the air. Now we see it reappear, over a desert, coming in for a crash landing. It lands pretty smoothly for a crash landing, but I guess considering it's landing on relatively hard, flat desert, I'll give it a pass. Sean and Michael, his future father-in-law, make it off the plane with everyone else.

Flashback: D.B. Sweeney forces Michael to swear he'll fly the plane, or else he'll kill his daughter (and they already killed his wife).

President Underwood meets with his peeps for a briefing, and they claim their military doesn't have this kind of technology.

Flashback: The President is briefed on the crash of an extraterrestrial UFO in Alaska in 1944. Among the "people" (they differ from humans by 1%) on that craft is Sophia, the leader that the President was meeting with earlier today.

Helicopters are on the way to the crash site, but Michael tells Sean to run and find Leila, that the copters aren't there to help. He wanders into the desert and collapses.

Flashback: That clingy, annoying couple they met up with on the cruise? The woman was one of the people who was holding Leila at gunpoint, and we see D.B. Sweeney kidnap her from her room (after killing the woman's creepy BF, who was hitting on Leila).

Sean wakes up in a hospital in Arizona, after being found in the desert. He talks about a plane crash, but everyone calls it heat stroke since there haven't been reports of a crash. The nurse calls the police, who say that Sean's wanted for the murder of the dude on that cruise.

Flashback: To the 1944 plane crash, when Sophia told the rest of the aliens to run away from the crash.

The President visits Sophia, who is in holding, telling the audience that he had planned to announce the existence of the aliens, and to free them and allow them to integrate. He wants to know who tried to kill him. She said her people saved his life. He wants to know how many of them there are, and where the plane is.

Flashback: Five years ago, to when Sean met Leila. I'm sorry - are we really supposed to believe he hasn't changed that horrible facial hair in 5 years!? I'm not buying it.

The FBI comes to the hospital and arrests Sean, and as they drive him wherever, they're not buying his story. They come up on the spot where Sean says the plane crashed, but there's a detour (allegedly due to a jackknifed hazmat crash). Of course, the plane is crashed just beyond that, but the feds turn around. A bunch of humvees arrive at the crash site, including that Hottie Asian guy. In a really creepy shot, we see that the passengers are all dead, scattered across the desert.

Flashback: That Hottie Asian guy? Really an alien. We see him 5 years ago faking a blood test to get into the CIA, and then "working with" the President's guy to "uncover the aliens." Cool.

So it looks like we have 2 factions that came out of these aliens - 1 who wants to integrate and have the truth exposed, and the other who I guess wanted to prevent it. Who knows, but it's pretty cool. I still like it.

Project Runway

Challenge: Make a high-fashion look for a L'Oreal ad. Hi to Collier Strong, my favorite burn victim.

I effing hate Gretchen. She pitches a passive-aggressive fit about Michael having the same color fabric. Eff off. I also effing hate Valerie's big hairy mole. Because I watch this online, I was never quite sure if it was a smudge on her arm or what. Thank god I don't watch the show in HD. There was a closeup in this episode that made me wanna puke.

The designers get 2 days to work on their looks, which seems great until Tim Gunn comes in with an additional challenge: Create a second ready-to-wear companion piece. Oy. At this point, Mondo's already lost 12 hours working on an awesome-looking bustier that is too big for his model. Not to be outdone, Valerie loses a day and a half of work when she realizes she wasted time making stuff she won't use. She breaks down in the bathroom, making an ass of herself while saying she doesn't want to make an ass of herself.

I love all the guys that are left, and if it weren't for Mondo this show would be hella dull instead of plain boring.

April's looks were really great, but all-black -- enough with the all-black already!

Mondo's high-fashion look is typical crazy Mondo, and his RTW is gorgeous.

Ivy's blue mess is bizarre and the RTW doesn't look fitted correctly. Boo.

Michael has a dress with a humongous train and then a cute short dress to match.

Christopher's dress is kinda bizarre and looks a bit like it's wrapped in toilet paper, but his RTW is great.

Gretchen made a godawful old woman's outfit. Seriously, they ragged on Casanova for that, they should definitely rag on her. And I'm not even sure what her RTW had in common with it, other than flowiness.

Valerie's white dress and her RTW look were both boring as hell. They were sad and dull looking.

Andy was out of control with his pleating - it was definitely a crazy, high-fashion look, but the RTW was lovely.

Christopher and April are safe; Gretchen, Andy, and Mondo are in the top. Ugh, Gretchen!? With those feathers? Look at this thing!



Michael Kors called Ivy's looks "bridesmaids under the sea." Yep, they were gross and overly-literal with her damn ocean inspiration. Valerie was hammered for being boring. Michael is in the bottom because his proportions were off, but they said at least it was well-constructed, so hopefully he's safe.

Winner: Mondo. Yay Mondo! He really rules! I hope it's all guys in the finale.




Bye-bye: Ivy. Yeah, she definitely deserved that. Ugh, that blue ocean crap makes me wanna puke.

Fringe IS BACK!

I heard they're going to alternate episodes for a while between the Universes. Tonight we get The Other Universe, complete with red credits and the "Manhatan" setting. Our Olivia is being questioned by a doctor, who thinks she's crazy for believing she's from another universe. Walternate and the alternate version of that cool, geeky guy from Massive Dynamic are performing procedures on Olivia, trying to transfer Faux-livia's memories to her. They've even given her Faux-livia's back-of-the-neck tattoo. Walternate thinks Olivia's ability to move between Universes will be helpful in their war.

Olivia busts out during one of the procedures (of course she does, she kicks ass). I haven't watched that new show Chase yet, but it kind of pisses me off how much the lead character looks like Olivia, like they're trying to copy her kickassery. It's a pale imitation, I'm sure.

She escapes into a cab driven by Henry, played by the amazing Andre Royo from The Wire. Oh hells yes. Henry's basically how I hope Bubbs turned out after The Wire ended. She goes back to the Opera House, hoping to return home, but it's quarantined and sealed off - filled with amber like some of the other places we've seen.

The bad part about this Universe - it's Peter-less. The good part? Charlie's alive! Charlie and Buff Broyles and the other partner, who has been burned to a crisp but is recovering thanks to the advanced medicine. It means he looks like Freddy Krueger, so it's kind of gross.

Agent Freddy catches up to Olivia, but she awesomely shoots her way out - because she has Faux-livia's Olympic-gold-medal-winning marksman abilities. She next tries the address of Massive Dynamic, but it's just a playground over here. Next stop: "Walter's safehouse" in Tarrytown.

But the house turns out to be another planted memory -- it's actually Faux-livia's childhood home, and Olivia's reunited with her not-dead mother. Charlie finds her there, and at this point she's completely converted to Faux-livia (due to the adrenaline activating whatever she was injected with). Henry is still there, keeping an eye on Olivia, following her and Charlie, clearly convinced something's up.

At the very end, we hop back over to Our Universe. YAY PETER! He's giving a statement about what happened with Walternate. Oh and he and Faux-livia are fully macking on each other now.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Oreos, eaten while he waits for Peter. He removes the top, natch.

Cool Detail from The Other Universe: DAILY FLIGHTS TO THE MOON????? AWESOME! Also, the phones are essentially earcuffs and people ride those olde-timey big-wheeled bicycles.

Fringe Code: AMBER.

The Event

Alright, dammit, let's find out what this goddamn Event is. Hmmmm - we open in Miami. Well, this can't be good news for me. A plane takes off with a dude whose facial hair is doomed to bother me for the rest of this show. A hottie Asian (HOTTIE!) is on a mission to stop the plane from taking off, saying there's a terrorist onboard, but it takes off. The Dude With The Bad Facial Hair (I suppose I will call him Sean because it's easier, but never forget how awful that facial hair is) goes to the front of the plane and pulls out a gun.

We flashback to Sean, on a cruise vacation with his girlfriend. He's cut off mid-marriage proposal by someone's cries for help, and saves a woman from drowning. The woman and her boyfriend becomes that annoying couple that wants to hang out with you for the rest of the cruise. Sean and the other chick end up going on an excursion, and by the time they get back to the ship, Sean's GF is missing, someone else is staying in his room, and there's no record of Sean and his GF ever being on the ship. He tries to call his GF, but the phone has been disconnected. He tries her parents, but they're currently being attacked by intruders.

Back on the plane, an Air Marshall makes Sean stand down, but then they hear a gunshot come from inside the cockpit.

Next, we're introduced to President Blair Underwood. He's meeting with advisors, who are urging him not to close "the facility," not to let "them" out. In flashback, we see they're talking about 97 prisoners in a CIA-controlled program. President Underwood wants to meet the detainees, and so they take a trip to an Alaskan prison. The leader of the detainees is That Crippled Chick From ER, but we'll call her Sophia. Back to present day, the President and Sophia are readying a press conference when they're disrupted by a plane falling from the sky, heading right for them.

Back on the plane, Sean's GF's father is the plane's pilot, and he has been forced against his will to kill the co-pilot and fly the plane into the President's Miami compound. Just as it's about to hit the ground, the plane is swallowed up in the sky by some kind of electromagnetic wormhole. New security measures or something?

Sophia says to the President, "They saved us." "Who?" "I haven't told you everything."

Well, dammit, you haven't told me everything either!!

OK, this thing shows promise. Don't screw it up.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design classic American sportswear inspired by Jackie Kennedy. Well, that's random, boring, and purposeless. Seriously, I don't get the Jackie O. tie-in at all. Is it her birthday or something? They are later told they have to make outerwear to go with their look.

You know what's sad? These designers are boring and making me nearly fall asleep. But Mondo looks great with eye makeup, so there's that.

Michael C. has this problem where he makes 3 different things and can't decide what to use. He's a mess - he made 3 dresses and 3 jackets. Oy.

Christopher has this problem where he thinks throwing leather over his model's shoulders counts as outerwear. His dress was gorgeous though.

Call me dumb, but I didn't mind Michael D's, even though at first it seemed like it would be a Wild West-style skirt. I'm undecided about Andy's saddlebag pants - but I think I liked them, minus the crazy crotch and butt. But maybe Jackie wouldn't have worn them? Oh who the hell knows - that bitch has been dead for a while, hasn't she? Mondo's was very him but still fit the challenge. It was great. Ivy's was pretty cool - she always does some nice, flowy pants, doesn't she?

Tim Gunn Line of the Day: "Jackie Kennedy would not have cameltoe." Or would she?

Guest Judge: January Jones. Look, I love me some Mad Men and I love to hate me some Betty Draper, but January Jones makes my skin crawl. Do not like. Luckily, she didn't really contribute much.

The judges hated Christopher's dirty dishrag/toilet seat cover wrap and Michael D's whole look. Go figure - I was wrong about that one. Heidi really slammed Andy's stuff - to the point where it was kind of rude and I felt really bad for him. The pants were ill-fitting for sure. They hammered Valerie too, but I actually really liked her vest.

Here are Andy's pants, for your consideration:



Winner: Mondo. YAY!



Bye-bye: Michael D. Well, how sad, I liked that skirt. And for all their hammering of Andy, he wasn't even in the Bottom Two. Damn you, editors!

The Town

I've been anticipating The Town for a long time now. Jeremy Renner, Jon Hamm, guns, and Boston accents? Um, yes please, sign me up.

It's a really great, gritty, grown-up movie (I don't want to say adult movie - that sounds like something totally different). There are some great action sequences and great performances. I'm really liking Jon Hamm as a heroic suit - I can see a lot more of that in his future. Jeremy Renner, as always, is cool with that air of "I'm freaking psycho" boiling just below the surface. He rules. And honestly Ben Affleck made me forget he was Ben Affleck - he was pretty damn good. And considering he directed too, he had his hands full.

The story is definitely your standard cops-and-robbers story, with a bad guy trying to escape the life, falling for a girl, etc., etc. But the performances and the Boston setting really elevate it and make it enjoyable. Like I said, a great adult film. Wait, there should probably be a comma after great....

Top Chef: Finale

Final challenge: Make the four-course "meal of your life." Hmmmm. Vague much? They have to make a vegetable course, a fish course (using some local fish), a meat course (using duck), and a dessert.

Each of the chefs gets a previous Top Chef winner as a sous chef. Kevin gets Michael Voltaggio (and they're friends), Angelo gets Hung (that's a good match, both in style and douchiness), and Ed gets Ilan. OMG, I totally forgot Ilan actually won. He sucks, and Ed got the short end of the stick there.

Angelo gets siiiiick. No, really? Eating in Singapore makes you sick? Shocker! It means Hung does all of the shopping and a lot of prep, and Angelo's fine on the actual final day, after taking it (a needle) up the ass.

There are no disasters, and everyone makes good food. It's all pretty equal, though at this point Kevin seems to be getting the least amount of semi-negative comments.

Winner: Kevin. WOW! Talk about a Dark Horse. He kinda came out of nowhere. Or maybe he was just buried in that sea of Smooth Brothers at the beginning.

Project Runway Times Two

Gotta catch up on my Project Runway too!

Challenge: Recycle a bridesmaid's dress -- and it's Real World Model Time, which is never good. They also throw in some utterly pointless bit where the designs are judged in a public showcase by regular people off the street.

Ivy proves she's the Bitch of the Show by getting mad at Michael C. for allegedly calling her the Bitch of the Show. He claims he didn't, and it's not like we see it happen - you think the editors would want to show that. I hate that Ivy's so mean to him because I love me some Michael C. The judges loved his dress too - I'm so over all of these hater bitches!!!

Mondo made the most fabulous dress ever out of his ugly pink dress! Ivy and Casanova made pants and cute tops - I really loved Casanova's. Andy made a great little shorts outfit, and April's dress was great. Valerie's and Peach's were really, really gross.

Winner: Michael C. HA! Take that, bitches! My man can sew!



Bye-bye: Peach. No one can argue that, even Peach.



On to the next one.

Challenge: Create a resort wear look. Tim mixes things up after the trip to Mood by making teams of 2 -- and they each have to execute their partner's design. That sounds like a massive pain in the ass. And it's especially hard for picky Ivy, which means it's entertaining. What a micromanaging bitch. Poor Michael D. (and thank god she didn't get Michael C.)!

April's idea of a resort is an asylum. Cool, mine too. Mondo wins my heart by being a dick to Michael C. and then admitting he was a dick to Michael C. Yay Mondo! For a second there I was getting mad at him for being a bitch. I'm glad he likes my man now.

Everything looked pretty good, except Ivy's looked awful and I guess it's Michael D's fault (or at least that's how she'll spin it). I didn't like Gretchen's design/color choices either.

Yep, Ivy blames Michael D. for not being able to execute the pants she had planned. But what she had to settle for was awful, so isn't that her fault for not being adaptable? Or for not trusting him to even try the pants? She's the Bitch of the Show and I'm over her.

Winner: April. I liked Andy's better, but April's was still cool and different.



Bye-bye: Casanova. Awww, I feel bad for him. Sure, his look was a bit old-fashioned, but I thought it was still classy. I don't think it was as bad as they thought - and I wanted Ivy's bitch ass gone.

Top Chef Times Two

I have 2 episodes to catch up on, as I was on a trip to London, which included eating at 2 Gordon Ramsay restaurants (they were amazing!). And, appropriately enough, the winner of the Quickfire Challenge gets to go to London.

Quickfire Challenge: Prepare a dish for a wine pairing. Well that's vague and dull, isn't it? Angelo wins. Enjoy London, douchebag.

Elimination Challenge: Design a dish for the astronauts on the space station, one that can be freeze-dried well. Cool. None of the dishes were busts - so this was a pretty boring episode. Without major screw-ups or drama, this just drags. But at least all of the food looks good.

Winner: Angelo. Ick.

Bye-bye: Tiffany. NOOOOO! I'm pissed. She's great and I loved her. I definitely wanted Kevin to get kicked out first. Boooooo.

FINALE TIME! Ed, Kevin, Angelo, and Kelly. Kevin doesn't belong, Angelo's a giant douchebag, so I'm rooting for Ed and Kelly.

The finale takes place in Singapore this year for some reason. Everyone's eating at a street market when suddenly Padma comes into the picture. Which means it's time for a Quickfire Challenge: Make some Singapore street food in a wok. They all act like a wok is the hardest thing to use and only Angelo has developed a skill for it. Is it really? Am I not supposed to use mine to make chili? Winner: Ed. NICE! Ed makes it to the finale automatically.

Elimination Challenge: Work as a team to cater a party. It's weird that Ed has immunity but still has to participate. What's the point? At least he can just cut loose and have some fun while everyone else sweats their balls off.

Angelo makes Lamb Tartare and I want to puke. The only thing worse than lamb? Raw lamb.

Daddy Tom comes into the kitchen and admonishes the chefs for only planning to make one dish each. So they have to come up with something quickly (except for Ed, who is a showoff and already planned to do 2). The foreign waitstaff complicate things even further - it's kind of high comedy. They're inept, bumbling, and sometimes write their tickets in Chinese.

The chefs all produce amazing dishes, most of which look good to me too (raw lamb notwithstanding). The judges seriously lose their minds over some of this food. Another tough one where everyone's pretty equal. Even Kevin deserves to be there at this point, so I'm only actively rooting against Angelo because he's a horse's ass.

Winner: Ed. Yeah, Ed is the man. Good for him.

Bye-bye: Kelly. Definitely saw that coming.

GO ED!

The Boob Apron

I've never seen the real commercial for this thing that is essentially a napkin you stuff down your bra. But I love this parody! (Some NSFW language, if you're a pussy.)