Lost: The End

Six years and it comes down to this. Two-and-a-half hours. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Lost was a great show. Well, it started out great, lagged in the middle, and got good again. Might as well go out before it goes bad again, eh? It's ending tonight, and I'll definitely miss most of these characters (not you, Jack). Let's do this thing.

Off-Island: Jack's dad's body is delivered to the church by Oceanic, and Desmond is there to sign for it.

Hurley and Sayid pick up a drunk-ass Charlie for the concert. Charlie doesn't want to go, so Hurley totally tranqs him. Next, they make their way to a bar where Shannon and Boone are being accosted. When Sayid touches Shannon, they both have their flashbacks, and kiss. YAY SAYID AND SHANNON! I freaking loved them together. Boone was working with Hurley and arranged for Shannon to be there to meet Sayid. How. Effing. Sweet.

Sun is in the hospital recovering from her gunshot wound, and everything seems fine, even with the unborn baby. Juliet is her baby doctor so YAY JULIET! As Juliet is examining her, Sun has flashbacks to their time on the Island doing the same thing. Jin's flashbacks soon follow.

Jack begins operating on Locke. And it's revealed that Juliet is indeed Jack's son's mother. BOO! Juliet belongs with Sawyer. *pout* Jack doesn't deserve Juliet.

Backstage at the concert, Charlotte and Daniel meet up. YAY CHARLOTTE AND DANIEL! Then when he's on stage, Charlie sees Claire. YAY CHARLIE AND CLAIRE! OK, so there are quite a few couples on this show that I desperately love.

Claire goes into labor backstage, and Kate and Charlie are there to help (just like on the Island). It's at that point that Kate has her flashback to the Island. And it's at that point I gag at the sight of spoogy baby. Then Charlie and Claire have their flashbacks.

On the Island: Jack, the newly-Christened Protector of the Island, tells the crew that they have to travel to The Heart of the Island to protect it from Smokey. Desmond is with Rose and Bernard (and Vincent) in their happy little Retirement Camp. It's not happy for long though - Smokey and Ben walk in. I yell out, "Don't kill Rose" at this point. Smokey threatens to kill Rose and Bernard unless Desmond goes with him, and so Desmond does. Thank you, Desmond.

Miles is with Richard, who is alive after being thrown by Smokey. Richard has a gray hair, realizes he wants to live, and they set out to blow up the plane. As they row over to it, they come upon Frank in the water. YAY FRANK! Now instead of blowing up the plane, Frank plans on piloting them out on it.

The 2 teams meet up and Jack and Locke face off, with Jack telling Locke he's going to kill him once they're at the Heart of the Island. They all trek off, and once they get to a certain point, Locke says it should just be him, Jack, and Desmond the rest of the way. They arrive at the light cave thingy, and Desmond tells Jack about the Off-Island World, where they all survived and everyone is happy, and says that's where he'll go when he goes into the cave.

Desmond is lowered down into the cave, where there are a few skeletons and, well, a light. When he reaches the light, the electromagnetic forces start going through him, eventually the light goes out, and a big Island-is-being-destroyed earthquake starts. Jack and Locke start fighting, and Locke starts bleeding. I'm actually rooting for Jack at this point. They have an Epic Rain Battle on a cliff that ends with Locke stabbing Jack through the gut. Then Kate comes up behind and shoots Locke in the back, and Jack kicks him off the cliff.

At this point let's go Off-Island, where Jack's neck is bleeding again (bleeding like Jack on the Island, with Locke's knifepoint at his throat). Locke comes to after the surgery and says it worked, that he can feel his legs already. Sure enough, he starts moving his feet. At this point, Locke has his flashback. Jack has one flashback, but then dismisses it.

On the Island the quaking continues and Frank continues to try to get the plane working. Jack says he's staying behind to turn the light back on and save the Island, and Ben and Hurley stay with him. Kate and Jack say their goodbyes and confess their love, and if I cared about them as a couple, I'd be crying, but I don't so I don't.

Off-Island Sawyer comes to the hospital to check on Sun. Sun and Jin are happy to see him because dammit but he and Jin were BFFs!!! Sun is being discharged, and says, "We'll see you there."

As Sawyer's trying to get a candy bar out of the vending machine, Juliet walks in. I gasp happily. They have their flashbacks and make me the happiest person on Earth!!!!!!!!! OK, I could be crying now.

Jack heads to the concert and runs into - of course - Kate. She touches him, and he has some flashbacks, but doesn't fully understand (Jack is slow), so Kate tells him to come with her.

On the Island, Jack says he's going to sacrifice himself to turn the light back on, and tells Hurley that he's to be the real Protector. YAY HURLEY! They do the drinking ritual thing and now Hurley's the Protector. Jack gets to the bottom of the cave, finds Desmond, and sends Desmond back up to the surface. Jack moves the statue thing that gets the light thing back up and running.

Ben agrees to work as Hurley's second-in-command, taking care of the Island and figuring out a way to get Desmond home.

Frank gets the plane running. Kate and Sawyer collect Claire, make their way to the plane, and Frank flies them off the Island.

Off the Island, everyone ends up gathering at the church where Jack's dad's body is being held. Ben apologizes to Locke for all he did to him, and Locke forgives him. Locke walks into the church, but Ben says he's not going inside.

Kate and Jack arrive, and she tells him to come in when he's ready to leave. LEAVE WHAT!?

On the Island, Jack is on the surface now, alive, stumbling around.

Off the Island, Jack enters the church through the back. He sees his dad's coffin, and when he touches it he gets his full flashbacks. He opens the coffin and there's nothing inside. Instead, his dad is in the room and that's when we realize that Jack is dead now. Everyone in the church is dead, in fact. They all gathered to be together in the afterlife. They all reunite happily and I lose my shit, but in a happy way. If Lost does one thing well it's those end-of-episode slow-motion montages. Christ. AND PENNY'S THERE TOO!

On the Island, Jack dies, with Vincent at his side.

This thing was epic on so many levels, and a really fitting end to the show. Loads of stuff is still a mystery, but you also just get a happy ending for everyone. And that makes me happy. I didn't need this show to end all depressing. So it seems the Island-as-Purgatory theory was semi-accurate. And I'm a blubbering mess. Jesus. Great final episode.

MacGruber: The Guy's a Freaking Genius

MacGruber is always one of my favorite skits on Saturday Night Live. Hell, sometimes it's the only thing that redeems an episode (aside from "What's Up With That?" - I love that too). But how do you turn a 90-second skit into a whole movie?

With lots of dick jokes. Dick and poop and pee and F words. And guess what - I think that stuff is funny. Will Forte cracks me up, and it was fun seeing MacGruber on the big screen, able to be as violent and vulgar as he wants to be. The movie is crude and absurd as hell, but it was definitely funny.

Fringe

I was late watching this season finale, partly because I had an event the night it aired, and then partly because I was in denial and didn't want to watch it. I don't want it to end!!

Secretary Walternate gets word that Our Walter was admitted to a hospital. The 2 Olivias arrive at the hospital at the same time, but ours gets to him first, and they drive off with William Bell. Walter's all better, thanks to the accelerated healing techniques, THANK GOD!

Other Olivia sees herself on the security footage and is all WTF.

Walternate explains to Peter that Walter's actions caused far more rips in time and space on his side of the universe. Most of Boston is quarantined because of the dangers. Other Olivia comes over and Peter's all, I like your hair better. Peter loves bangs and dark hair. Noted.

Walter and Bell work together to rig up a "doorstop" that will hold the door between the worlds open for a bit. They travel to Walternate's lab at Harvard - the area around it has clearly been affected by The Blight. Walter rips my heart open, yelling at Bell for the brain surgery that caused his 17-year institutionalization. Poor Walter. (And for the 1700th time, please give John Noble a freaking Emmy.) But then the boys work together, using Walternate's technology.

Olivia, meanwhile, confronts Other Olivia. Wonder if they'll share hair tips! Olivia wants to see Peter. But first - EPIC GIRLFIGHT! Our Olivia wins, and proceeds to dye her hair to match Other Olivia's. Sweet -- they did share hair tips!

Peter, meanwhile, is working on Walter's weapon (which he doesn't know is a weapon), and discovers that it requires him to operate it. Olivia arrives and tells Peter about the whole being-used-to-destroy-our-world thing. Olivia tells him he belongs back in our world -- because they belong together. Oh snap! They kiss, and, well, Peter did say he liked that hairstyle better.

Peter, Olivia, Walter, and Bell meet up with the doorstop, but of course Other Fringe Division arrives right away. Now both Olivias look the same and I immediately freak out, knowing there HAS to be a mixup at some point. Bell offers to sacrifice himself so that the door can be opened. Peter, Walter, and Olivia go through it - but which Olivia? Because I guaran-effing-tee you that's the other one.

Sure enough, she visits the Freaky Other Worldly Typewriter and passes on a message to the Other Universe: "Infiltration achieved. Awaiting orders."

In the Other Universe, Walternate is keeping Our Olivia locked up in a cell. Motherlover.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He, Olivia, and Bell eat at KFC. And he's identified the herbs and spices, don't you know. Also, Astrid makes apple pie, because she cooks when she's nervous and Peter being gone stressed her out.

This Week's Code: WEISS. Now the advantage of watching the show late is that I can read a re-cap online and find out that that's the name of the Bowling Alley Dude who helped Olivia earlier this season. Plus that "A DEMONS TWIST RUSTS" was written on a chalkboard -- an anagram for "DON'T TRUST SAM WEISS". I love Kevin Corrigan, so I'm all for having that character back.

This show rules. The last half of the season in particular rocked hard. Love it and can't wait for a summertime massive re-watch.

Lost

After last week's detour into the history of Jacob and the Man In Black, we're here, less than a week from the end. This show is killing me.

Off the Island

Jack wakes up and has some blood on his neck. Hasn't this happened before, where like Island Injuries come bleeding into the Off-Island World?

He has breakfast with his son and Claire, and you know what - his kid's mom better not be Juliet or I'll lose my S. Juliet belongs with Sawyer. Anyway, he gets a call from Oceanic Airlines that they've found his father's coffin - only it's really Desmond calling him.

Desmond shows up to Ben and Locke's school, tells Ben that he is trying to get Locke to "let go" and proceeds to beat the crap out of Ben. As he beats him up, Ben has Island Memories.

Then Desmond goes to the police station and turns himself in to Sawyer and Miles for the hit-and-run and assault. This is the point where I start freaking out in the hopes that Desmond will be trying to reunite Juliet and Sawyer. And then I start imagining Miles as the Best Man. For now, though, Desmond's just in holding -- along with Sayid and Kate. We're getting the band back together!!! As they're being transported from the station, Desmond tells them they can break out. The driver of the police vehicle is Ana-Lucia, who pulls over and lets them escape (Desmond pays her off with Hurley's money).

Desmond gives Kate a dress and tells her they're going to a concert, and sends Sayid off with Hurley.

Locke goes to see Jack because Jack had said the same thing Desmond did, about "letting go." He's wondering if all of this is happening for a reason, if it's destiny that Jack fix him. Locke's ready to try the surgery.

On the Island

Kate, Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer want Locke dead for killing Sayid, Jin, and Sun. I agree. It's totally crappy that Locke didn't kill Jack instead. They set off to get Desmond out of the well, and Sawyer's all torn up from guilt. It's official - this show is all about Sawyer for me.

Hurley gets a jungle visit from the kid again - it's young Jacob, who turns into adult Jacob. Jacob says that he'll explain to the group why everyone has died, and that he'll tell them everything about protecting the Island - because one of them has to take over tonight.

Meanwhile, Team Awesome - Ben, Miles, and Richard - walk their awesome asses through the jungle to get some C-4 Ben had hidden so they can blow the plane to hell and prevent Locke from escaping. Widmore is there to greet them, and tells them he has already rigged the plane with explosives. Locke's on his way over and Richard volunteers to talk to him, maybe try to get him to leave with him and save everyone else.

Smokey shows up and takes out Richard, then Smokey Locke walks over to Ben. Locke needs Ben to kill a few people for him, and Ben agrees, quickly turning over Widmore and Liz Lemon. Locke slashes Liz Lemon's throat and tells Widmore that he's getting off the Island and the first thing he's going to do is kill Penny. Widmore whispers something to Locke, but then Ben shoots him dead. Damn, and here I was hoping Ben was setting a trap for Locke but it seems like he's totally on board with being his assassin. Locke's ready to find Desmond and make him destroy the Island with him.

Meanwhile, around the campfire, Jacob tells the group that he chose them because they were flawed and weren't happy in their lives. So he brought them here to be candidates to protect the Island. Once Kate became a mother caring for Aaron, Jacob had crossed her name from the list of candidates. He tasks them with choosing who will be the Protector, with the job of protecting the light at the center of the Island, and killing Smokey Locke. Jack volunteers. Of course he does. Jack wants to fix everything at all times.

Jacob does the whole cup ritual that his mother had done with him last episode, and passes on responsibility for the Island to Jack.

24

I'm just back from a quick trip to New York which, unfortunately, did not involve a tour of CTU: NY. I didn't see Jack Bauer anywhere, but I did go past the United Nations, and I was always on alert for Russians.

We open with Charles Logan getting his props at the press conference. That's a happy man right there; gotta love it. But once he finds out that Jack gutted the Russian, the panic sets in - he's coming for you next, Charles Logan!!

Logan tells President Taylor that Jack still has the evidence - and a blond journalist to give it to - and now it's President Dumbass's turn to panic. Logan tells her to cover that S up before she gets criminally prosecuted. He doesn't have pity for her, telling her every decision was hers and he just did what she wanted. Yeah, bitch, he's going to throw you under the bus and then back it over you. President Taylor orders a raid on the Blond Journalist's office to seize any evidence she has. Really? Is this Communist China? You can do that? I guess so, because they say her evidence is a national security risk. Blond Journalist has some balls - she calls Hassan's family to tell them about the Russian conspiracy. Ballsy, considering she was The Other Woman just a few hours ago. The FBI tracks her down just as she tells Hassan's daughter vague things about the Russians and advises her against signing the peace accord.

Jack has Michael Madsen trace Logan's phone number from the undigested SIM card, and uploads Logan's route to Jack's phone. Then Jack cuts MM loose, telling him to start erasing all ties. Too bad that was after Chloe figured out (somehow, and quickly) that MM is the guy helping Jack. Then Jack gets into full freaking armored riot gear and launches an assault on Logan's caravan. Logan can tells it's Jack and quite hilariously freaks out for the 100th time tonight.

Jesus, Jack is relentless. It's like a horror movie. Um, there's really no coming back from just outright murdering a former President, no matter how slimy he may be. Eventually, Logan is forced out of the car with tear gas. Hell, it was probably mustard gas the way Jack is acting.

Logan caves quickly, saying, "I'm not the bad guy here!" He sells out Novakovich super-fast. Singing like a canary, that Logan. Jack gives Logan the ol' Rear Naked Choke and takes off. He mows down a bunch of Russians making his way to Novakovich, but gets stabbed a little. You've been stabbed worse, Jack. Jack brutally takes out everyone, including Novakovich (with a fireplace poker through the gut).

Chloe pulls Freddie Prinze, Jr. out of holding and tasks him with tracking down Michael Madsen and finding out where Jack is.

Logan calls the Russian President and tells him about the Russian Massacre. Turns out the Russian President is the real baddie and Logan ratted out Novakovich to protect him. Luckily, Jack planted a bug on Logan and heard everything. Unluckily, Jack continues bleeding all over the streets of NYC.

At this point, I just don't see how this can end well. I really don't care about the Russian President being the Big Bad. At any rate, Jack sure has done a lot of cold-blooded rampaging -- how does he justify all of that? How can he get away with it? Oy.

Fringe

I'm so ready to have my mind blown with the first part of the Fringe finale. Let's begin.

Charlie's alive in the other universe. Oh hell yes! There's a whole badass, military Fringe Division in the Department of Defense and everyone looks HELLA BADASSSSSSSSS! There's too much to look at - Nixon on the quarter, crazy technology - I'm on overload and I can't see it all!!! And our Walter and Olivia are there watching the Other Olivia and team work! What?

The opening credits are different too - in keeping with that Bizarro Fringe theme. I freaking love it.

36 Hours Earlier....

Walter sees a tape of Peter leaving with Walternate (convenient surveillance camera? I don't know). He remembers that he was warned not to let Peter return to The Other Universe -- or else Peter will be responsible for the End of the World. So Olivia and Walter are on a mission to get Peter back and prevent a Bigass Other Universe Weapon from being unleashed.

Olivia has the ability to crossover, with the help of her fellow Cortexifan Kids. And it just so happens Massive Dynamic/The Government has rounded up the last 3 Cortexifan Kids like Professor Xavier and The X-Men, and they're working on harnessing their powers. OH SNAP this just turned into a superhero show! WOOHOO!

But before they save the world(s), the Cortexifan Kids get the night off. One dude goes around healing people while the other 2 have telepathically-enhanced sex. They're about to face a Bigass Other Universe Weapon - they deserve it.

They pass through to the Other Universe, but The Healer doesn't survive the jump. Other Olivia finds a $20 on his body, but it has Jackson on it, not Martin Luther King, Jr., like theirs. The team goes to visit Secretary of Defense Walternate with their odd findings (the DoD is housed in the shiny, bronze Statue of Liberty). They provide us with some backstory -- ever since 1985 there have been rips in the universe. I get the feeling crap has been slipping through, there's radiation, weird occurrences, etc., and that's what Fringe Division takes care of.

Peter wakes up (after having been asleep for 3 days) and has breakfast with his Mommy. I want to die at this point. And not just because Peter says, "I love bacon." YAY PETER AND MOMMY REUNION!!!! Mommy gives Peter something Walternate left for him to review - the plans for the Bigass Other Universe Weapon.

Olivia, Walter, Fire Chick, and Telepathy Dude make their way through Other-NYC to try to meet William Bell, and Fire Chick isn't feeling too perky. She's pretty much overheating and doomed to die. Unfortunately, Fringe Division shows up and busts up their party, Telepathy Dude is shot and killed, and Fire Chick dies when she tries to take out one of the Fringe Division. (She doesn't kill him because in this world you can be healed when you have third-degree burns over 90% of your body. Lucky dude.)

Walter and Olivia are separated and wander the streets. Olivia spies on Other Olivia, and William Bell shows up there too. He tells her Walter is in trouble and there isn't much time. But which one?

It turns out Walter was shot too and I want to die. He makes his way to a hospital and then passes out. Meanwhile, Walternate walks into a room that holds the almost-finished Bigass Other Universe Weapon. To be continued.

I'm about to blow your mind, OK? WHAT IF NEXT WEEK, WHEN THE TWO UNIVERSES ARE FIGHTING AND ONLY ONE SURVIVES, IT'S THE OTHER UNIVERSE THAT SURVIVES? And then next season would take place in the Other Universe. Just sayin'. I wouldn't be against it. Cuz Charlie's there.

This Week's Code: WEAPON.

Lost: All About Jacob

A pregnant chick washes up on The Island, and is saved by Allison Janney. The woman delivers a boy, and his name is Jacob. Then she delivers a second boy, who disappointingly does not come out in a puff of black smoke. After the second kid is born, Allison Janney clubs the chick to death. Did the Bad Baby make her do it?

Next they're 13 years old, playing a game on the beach and chasing down a boar. That's when they discover that there are other inhabitants on the island, and they tell Mama. Mama tells them that they are the only ones who belong on The Island, that they're here for a reason. She also says she's made it so they can never hurt each other. She leads them to a tunnel thing with a warm, bright light coming out of it. She says there's a little of that light in every person, and if this light goes out, it goes out everywhere, and it's their job to protect it. Ugh. Sacred light? Really?

The Dark Kid (he hasn't been named yet, because I guess they want to pull a Cosmo Kramer and have his name be a big reveal) is visited by a vision of his real mother, who tells him who she is, that the other people are part of the ship she wrecked on, and that there is indeed a world outside of The Island.

Dark Kid leaves Allison Janney and Jacob to join the others, but Goody Two-Shoes Jacob won't go.

Next they're the adults we know, and Jacob sneaks away to meet with The Man In Black from time to time. MIB says that the others are indeed manipulative, flawed people, but that he's using them to get off The Island.

Jacob tells Allison Janney that MIB wants off The Island, and she goes to see him. He shows her that he has found that light source she showed him as a child - and he's creating a system that will channel the light, and by turning a wheel he'll be able to get off The Island. That's kind of a major leap.

Then Allison Janney kills MIB by smashing his head into the wall. She takes Jacob back to the Light Tunnel, tells him it's the source of life, and then tells him he can never seek it out - or something worse than death will happen. She anoints him as the protector of The Island.

OK, but MIB isn't dead because he wakes up in the middle of the forest to find that his camp has been destroyed, and all of his people killed. He, in turn, shows up at Allison Janney's camp and stabs her dead.

Jacob finds them and beats the crap out of MIB (he can't kill him, you'll recall). He takes MIB to the Light Tunnel and throws him into it. The ground starts to shake and black smoke erupts from the tunnel. Eh sure, why not, that makes about as much sense as any other explanation for how a person became a Smoke Monster.

And then we find out that MIB and Allison Janney are the 2 bodies that Jack and Kate found way way way back in Season 1 or whatever. I don't care. Jacob is a sullen twat with an inferiority complex. I don't care about Jacob. You know what I care about? Sawyer and Juliet being together. Miles and Ben. That's who I care about.

24

Michael Madsen's back! Jack sends him the video file of Dana/Russian Assassin that proves the Russians are behind Hassan's assassination, so that MM can identify the Russian. Then Jack calls that Blond Journalist from hours ago, the one who was banging Hassan, gives her the scoop and offers to meet her with the evidence.

Dickwad With The Eyes Too Close Together thinks he's so awesome, but Freddie Prinze, Jr. is all, "I know the truth. You're part of the conspiracy. Go to hell." Except he didn't say "go to hell" but he really should have. I hope someone strangles Dickwad before the day is out, and I hope it's Freddie.

Dickwad and Logan pick up the phone conversation between Jack and Blond Journalist and plan to send Assassin to take care of it. So that guy gets a second chance to try to kill Jack Bauer. Chloe sees Dickwad acting sneaky and jumps to (the correct) conclusions.

Logan wants public recognition in the peace process. Of course he does. President Taylor says her press secretary will announce something in time for the 1:00 news. 1:00 news? Who the hell has 1:00 news?

Jack's loose in a Macy's, because... that's where you meet for coffee and conspiracy discussion? Assassin is about to take his shot, and then Michael Madsen swoops in and nabs the Assassin. OH HELL YES! See, he's totally the new Tony. What I wouldn't give to have MM and Tony together in a better season.

Gunfire ensues at the Macy's. Thousands of dollars in clothes are spattered in blood. Jack, Blond Journalist, MM, and the Assassin get away. Someone's going to get tortured in the overstock room!!!!

Dickwad tells Logan he needs to distance himself from the situation, and then President Taylor will take the blame for everything. But Logan wants his public praise, dammit, and isn't prepared to do that. That's my selfish boy!

Chloe goes through Jack's known associates, trying to figure out who's helping him. As if Jack doesn't have half a million known associates at this point in his life.

Jack's version of torture is more like an ass-whooping, as Jack wails on the dude. There's not much talking, just lots of punching, stabbing, and some kind of liquid sprayed into an open wound (acid? lighter fluid?). AND THEN COMES THE BLOWTORCH. Oh holy hell, Jack, you're just having too much fun now. When Jack figures out that the Assassin swallowed his phone's SIM card, the torture ends - because Jack digs through the guy's guts to get it. A bloody SIM card still works and Jack calls the number of the last person to call Assassin - it's Dickwad's voice from "the office of President Charles Logan" You're next, Charles Logan!!! OH SNAP!

Rose Nylund Pwns

Betty White hosted Saturday Night Live and it was probably the best of the season. If you go to Hulu, they have a few unaired sketches that are good too. Imagine that - there was actually too much good stuff on SNL!

The MacGruber sketches were their usual awesome.


God bless you, Betty White!

Iron Man 2 Was Awesome

I was a little worried going in to Iron Man 2, because I had heard a couple bad reviews. But I gotta say, this was nothing like Transformers 2. I loved it! I was really happy with it, and don't see what the problem was. There were probably more fight scenes and explosions than the first one, but that's because you don't have to go into the whole development of Iron Man. You just start out with the action. The scenes were all exciting and well-done - it's not like they were too long. I liked all the new characters too - Mickey Rourke was great, he wasn't too hammy or anything. I thought he was perfect and the character was cool. Sam Rockwell plays the slimy Tony Stark wannabe and he was great too -- my favorite touch was that he had orange palms. You know, like the guy wants to be all slick and self-tanned, but doesn't apply it properly and ends up with orange hands. That was a little detail that amused me. Scarlett Johansson gets to kick some major ass at one point while looking hot doing it. Even Gwyneth Paltrow is less annoying!

You totally get what you pay for - action done in that wry, funny Iron Man-style - and Robert Downey, Jr. is fabulously perfect, as always.

Fringe: All About The Pacey

Freak of the Week: A diner waitress in Washington State flirts with Peter and then is kidnapped when she leaves work. Kidnapped and has some nasty brain surgery stuff happen to her. Poor girl. Note to self: never flirt with Pacey. Nah, it'd be worth the brain surgery. Maybe not worth the death though, as our young waitress's body is found near the river the next day.

Martha Plimpton is the small-town sheriff. Hey! She used to be famous! Peter sees Newton at the scene and knows that part of the girl's brain is missing. Newton was using the information she had about Peter to locate him.

Peter does what he has to do - visits a gun shop in the middle of the night and goes all Tarantino-action-hero in a motel room. It's awesome. This episode also has shades of Fargo - Martha's a pretty kickass small-town cop. She and Peter make a nice team, and I thoroughly enjoyed their investigation.

Meanwhile, Walter's a mess. His house is a mess and he doesn't have food in the fridge and he's losing his mind. Um, Olivia, Astrid... he's crazy - can one of you please move in with him and take care of him? Olivia finds out where Peter is, and asks Walter to fly there with him. My heart hurts with anticipation.

It turns out that the waitress was just killed by a crazy dude on a milk farm. So all of Peter's sightings of and calls from Newton were all in his head. Or were they? Because at the end, in his hotel room, Peter is visited by Newton. And "the Secretary" -- the guy who walked over the bridge from the Other Universe. And that Secretary is just who we thought he was - WALTERNATE! "Hello, son." OH CHRIST!

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: He rants in a grocery store about the harm caused by chemicals in off-brand Pop Tarts. Mmmmmm. Off-brand Pop Tarts. He also mentions a need for Pudding Pops which, while awesome, I haven't been able to find in years. And I have tried. It looked like Astrid got him fudgesicles.

This Week's Code: RETURN.

Next week we get to see the Other Universe - which involves Broyles in a tight black tee shirt and Olivia with dark hair and bangs. I'm all in. ALL IN.

Lost

We open Off-Island, with Locke regaining consciousness post-surgery (after being hit by Desmond's car). Jack tells him he's a candidate for a new procedure to cure his paralysis, but Locke's not interested.

Jack visits Locke's dentist (Bernard) to get the details on Locke's paralysis. Wait - from his dentist? I missed something, surely. Anyway, Bernard tells Jack that Locke was involved in an accident with another man, Anthony Cooper.

Jack tracks Anthony (Locke's father) down to a nursing home where he's a drooling vegetable. Jesus, Jack can never leave well enough alone. Locke's accident was a plane crash - it was Locke's first flight as a newly-trained pilot. Jack's busy-body fix-everything ass wants Locke to let go of the guilt and get himself fixed instead of letting himself suffer like his father is. Locke still ain't buying it.

On the Island, Widmore's guys locks the Losties up in cages and set up the anti-Smokey perimeter. The power to the perimeter is cut, and then Smokey and Jack let everyone out of the cages.

They all head to the crashed plane. Locke finds a bomb on board and claims that Widmore planted it there - he wanted to lure everyone onto the plane and then kill them. This means everyone has to take the submarine to get off the Island.

I really love everyone all working on the same team, sneaking out to the dock to hijack the sub. There's a shootout, Kate is shot, and Jack pushes Locke into the water. Everyone but Claire and Locke make it on the sub. As Jack starts to work on Kate's bullet wound, he finds a bomb inside his backpack, a bomb with less than 4 minutes on the timer. Time to go back up to the surface.

Jack tells everyone it'll be OK - Locke can't kill them, that he's not allowed to, and instead he's trying to get them to kill each other. Huh? Sawyer doesn't buy it and tries to disarm the bomb, but it doesn't work. Sayid tells Jack where to find Desmond then runs away with the bomb, sacrificing himself. R.I.P. Sayid. Again. Hey, at least the bomb didn't rip a hole in the sub. Oh wait, it did. It also looks like it killed Frank, which makes me bitter. R.I.P. Frank.

As they're all trying to escape, Sawyer is hit over the head with something and Sun is pinned against the wall. Jack takes Sawyer out, and Jin stays behind with Sun. Jesus Christ, are they going to kill everyone tonight!? R.I.P. Jin and Sun. THIS SUCKS!

At least we get a glimpse of Off-Island Jin in the hospital at the end, visiting Sun.

Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Sawyer meet up on the beach and they're all pretty torn up, especially Jack. Tragically, Jack does not commit suicide in his despair. Locke knows they're not all dead, and heads off to finish what he started.

Hey, I got a question. Where's Miles!? Did he die and I blocked it out?

24

Starbuck's still being waterboarded, Mrs. Pompadour is still yammering on and on, and Logan is still conspiring to have Starbuck killed once she gives up information. Can I just say waterboarding looks quite awful and I feel like I'm suffocating just watching it from the couch?

Meanwhile, Jack and Freddie Prinze, Jr. work together to rescue Starbuck, sneaking over rooftops, and I kind of wish Jack and Freddie had been working together all season long, not just at the end. Jack gets in a nice kill shot - R.I.P. to D.B. Sweeney - and they nab Starbuck.

The manly Freddie-Jack face-off just makes me miss Tony more. They had some hot face-offs. Starbuck takes them to a safety deposit box containing a video file that will implicate the Russians.

Shout-out to the hysterical bit where Logan and President Taylor are talking on the phone -- and she's like, "Do you have me on speaker!?" Also the bit where she hangs up on him and he is clearly offended but continues the conversation so his aide doesn't know. Love him! Anyway, Logan recommends putting his aide in charge of the Bauer manhunt, because he has FBI experience or something - and he's a good shot, what with his eyes being too close together and all.

When Freddie and Starbuck open the safety deposit box, she has gone all Jason Bourne and planted a flash-bang grenade type thing in advance. He's unconscious, she kills the banker, and takes the contents of the box and runs. But first she calls 911 and sends them Jack's way. That's OK - he shoots a cop in the foot and catches up to Starbuck eventually.

And he shoots her dead once she gives up the video file. R.I.P. Starbuck - you could have been way more awesome on this show. Hey, I wonder if they'll ever find that dead guy you shoved into the wall? That'll be fun.

The best part of the show is definitely that the Asian Dude at CTU's last name is Rosenthal. That made me LOL.

Fringe

Walter goes on a pot-fueled labeling spree of the lab, and Olivia drops her niece off to be babysat. Olivia sure is smart! Luckily, Astrid is there too. Walter starts telling the girl an old-fashioned detective story, and that's how we get to our film-noir-musical setup. It actually turns out a little more like Glee mixed with Fringe as people burst into quick bursts of pop songs.

Olivia is a private detective, and she looks awesome! Rachel asks her to find her missing boyfriend, Peter. Later, Rachel is killed. (Only Walter would kill a kid's mother in a story he's telling that kid.) Broyles is Olivia's police detective pal - and he's as smooth a singer as you'd think.

Walter is a mad inventor - kind of a cross between the real him and Willy Wonka. He solidifies that idea by showing Olivia one of his projects - corpses who sing "The Candy Man." Anyway, the whole thing is a lovely little parallel of the Walter/Peter situation - stolen hearts, well-intentioned Walter.

And Pacey looked extra-good in his period clothes. *SWOON* I love that so much of this was 40s and yet there was a computer at Massive Dynamic. An olde tyme phone and a flat-screen computer. And Olivia had a cool-looking cell phone. They pulled the episode off well - it was fun, and wasn't 100% a musical, really there was barely any singing in it. It was more about the atmosphere.

Walter's Food of the Week: Besides his Brown Betty weed? Well, he eats tortilla chips and later Twizzlers (for the 100th time). But Brown Betty looked more fun.

This Week's Code: HEART. Well, of course.

Damn You, Sandy, I Love You

So obviously I'm on Team Sandra. Well, duh, what's the other team - Team Asshole Dirtbag? Anyway, I was really sad for her when the news came out about her douchebag husband, especially right on the heels of her being so cute and happy during awards season. And now we learn this! She adopted this baby back in January! Well, good for her and I hope Jesse James rots in hell. The end. Controversial stance, I know.

In public, Sandra Bullock has been through the best and worst of times this year – from winning her first Oscar to enduring the breakup of her marriage. In private, she was quietly keeping a joyful secret – his name is Louis, and he is her newborn son.

"He's just perfect, I can't even describe him any other way," Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. "It's like he's always been a part of our lives."

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.

Oh yeah, and she's filed for divorce. Good for her.

Fringe Noir Trailer

I love this thing. This musical/film noir episode can go one of two ways, and I've got hopes that it's the good way. Probably won't be able to see it until Monday of next week, but I'll definitely be checking to see what kind of reviews it gets Thursday night.

24

Jack flies the CGI helicopter he stole from CTU over New York and onto a building. I guess CTU doesn't have orders to shoot him on sight, because they watch him go down the fire escape and out into the streets, where his natural camouflage (leather jacket, Jack Sack) takes effect.

Ethan tells President Taylor that her actions in covering up Russia's dirty deeds are grounds for impeachment and criminal prosecution. So has just about every President on this show left office in disgrace? President Taylor decides he's right and prepares to announce that the U.S. is withdrawing from the peace accord.

But before she can, Charles Logan offers to help save the peace accord by incarcerating and torturing Starbuck for her information. President Taylor agrees to this because, well, she changes her mind based on which way the wind's blowing. Logan gets D.B. Sweeney With a Mustache to take care of Starbuck.

President Taylor tells Ethan that they're back to Plan A and he's all "WTF!? Like, seriously, I can't leave this chick alone for a minute without her changing her mind! I'm going to go have another heart attack and sleep on a sofa for an hour. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Quitter. But who can blame him? This bitch has a split personality.

Jack calls Chloe and demands to see Starbuck, and tells Chloe that the President is covering up what Starbuck knows. But for once Chloe's all about following presidential orders, Jack's wishes be damned. She and Freddie Prinze, Jr. lay a trap to catch Jack by giving him a false location for Starbuck.

There's an old Chinese proverb: "If you can't have Tony Almeida, then Michael Madsen is the next best thing." It's true. He's an old (paranoid, techie) friend of Jack's (and Jack has his number memorized after all this time) and Jack calls him for some favors, mostly of the weapons-procuring variety. This is a match made in heaven, man. I love these 2 old-school tough-guys together!!!!

Jack works his way into what he thinks is the place where Starbuck's being held. I love that, even though the guys there are CTU and know he's coming, Jack's still able to get the jump on them. Also, Jack totally figured out that it was a trap. He has Freddie tell Chloe that the operation was successful and Jack is locked down.

Jack coerces Freddie onto Team Jack, and they work together to get Starbuck from where she's really being held, which is basically a NYC sex dungeon. Let the waterboarding begin!

Too much talky talky politics in this one. More Michael Madsen please!

Who's Seeing This With Me?

I'm sure they'll never release this down here but I'd kill to hear this music through some cinema speakers. Ladies and gentlemen, Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage.

24 Casting Blows Me Away

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

I just about died when I read a description of tonight's episode that includes, "Meanwhile, Jack calls in a favor to his old friend Rick Vickers (guest star Michael Madsen)"

MICHAEL FREAKING MADSEN!?

How was I not aware of this until 3 hours before airtime????? This. Is. Awesome.

The Losers Wins

I got everything out of The Losers that I was expecting - and wanting - ever since I saw the first trailer. Hot guys, a hot chick, the hyper-stylized comic book look, and guns, guns, guns. It was pretty badass.

It's essentially The A-Team and the cast is just as killer. With Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Idris Elba, and Chris Evans you know it's gonna be sexy and funny and cool. I'm a big Chris Evans fan - he always makes me laugh. And I really go for that whole comic book vibe - the end credits are cool. And what makes it even better? Liberal use of Journey. Can't go wrong there - that's a crowd-pleaser.

Project Runway: Finale Part 2

Did I say before that it's a sad day when I have to root for Seth Aaron? Well it is. But I'm rooting for him, if only because his family is adorable and he did a "snow angel" on the runway before everyone got there.

Mila and Emilio both have problems with late models. What are these bitches problems? Show up for work.

First up: Seth Aaron. I'm pretty sure his runway music is a remix of Marilyn Manson's "Tainted Love" which makes me love him now. He actually did re-work a lot and it wasn't all black - it was a cool mix of patterns, lots of coats, not bad at all.

Next: Mila. Black and white. Like, all black and white. Maybe some gray and purple. I liked the one dress that had just a hint of another pattern sticking out under the hem. There were some cute sporty looks and coats.

Finally: Emilio. LOTS of color, which was especially evident since it followed Mila's collection. But maybe too simple and commercial? Definitely wearable and not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Mila came in third, which sounds about right. Then it's between Emilio and Seth Aaron and since my mother actually spoiled the finale for me and emailed it to me before I saw it....

Winner: Seth Aaron. So yay (I guess)!!! Good for him! And I love that he ran right over to Tim to thank him as soon as he saw him.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: RUSH! They start the episode playing "Tom Sawyer" by Rush and I am the happiest fangirl alive. I was air drumming and everything, until the teenager goes to investigate a noise and these blobby things appear in a warehouse. Like, blobby bits of skin and stuff. *puke* Those blobby bits take the form of a person...ish and use that Alternate Universe Shapeshifting Device to take the form of the teenager and his girlfriend.

The Team shows up to investigate and finds a large blobby thing - it's like a half-developed shapeshifter that didn't transport correctly. Back at the lab, Walter "jumpstarts" the blobby thing and it fully develops. THE HORROR! OMG this is the sickest thing I've ever seen on this show, and that's saying a lot. It starts talking and I want to vomit. It's like a mummy wrapped in amniotic fluid with little nubs for legs. It's all kinds of wrong. Before it dies, the thing gives the team a name - it's the name of the man whose body it was going to take.

The teenaged shapeshifter soldiers go to see Newton and get their orders to take over some other bodies. They work to set up a device that will transport something between the universes. The team gets there as the device is activated and starts to set up their own device to counteract it. A bridge starts to appear, with a person walking on it. Peter's almost sucked into the other universe, but gets the device up and running in time and the bridge disappears.

This is the point at which my brilliant husband guesses that the man trying to coming through is the Other Walter. I like that theory. But before I can get excited about that possible revelation, Peter totally figures out that, since he survived the otherworldy vibration, much like the guy on the other side did, he must be from the other side. He confronts Walter and my heart rips open. And all this after Peter called Walter "Dad" for the first time and he told Olivia that his mother committed suicide. I can't take it. And here I thought this was just going to be a good monster episode!

I guess the guy ended up making it through to our world and, you know, he could totally be Walter.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Pecan pie. Peter proposes making one with Walter. Enjoy your pie, Fringe Partiers! He also makes a peanut butter sandwich, so this is a great one - well, unless you're allergic to nuts.

This Week's Code: BRIDGE.

OK, so next week is the film noir/musical episode. And thank GOD because I need a lighthearted break, dammit. This show has been killing me lately.

Lost

It's Jack/Locke face-off time, and the men go off to the side to talk it out. Maybe this is the first time they've come face-to-face? Must be. Jack asks if Smokey ever looked like his father. Yes - Smokey took that form to help Jack find water on his third day on the Island.

Smokey Locke is trying to get everyone to gather together and get off the Island. Sawyer has plans to take his select few (normal, living, non-crazy) people to a boat and ditch Locke. When Jack breaks Sun, Frank, and Hurley off from Locke's path, Claire watches and follows -- and she's pissed about being abandoned again. Kate had promised that she'd take Claire back to Aaron, and so Kate insists she come with. You don't want that kind of crazy on a tiny boat with the rest of you.

Smokey Locke sends Sayid to kill Desmond at the bottom of the not-as-deep-as-I-thought well. Sayid tells Locke he did it, but I don't think he did.

Sawyer & Company sail off and I'm kind of bitter Miles isn't with the group. Where the hell did he go again? Jack's wondering if maybe they should all be staying on the Island because it's not done with them yet. Sawyer's all, You can get off the damn boat, I ain't goin' back. And Jack gets off the damn boat and swims back to the Island and Locke.

When the boat makes it ashore, Sun and Jin reunite on the beach and I had forgotten that she has basically thought he was dead for the past 3 years. Awwww, how sweet. Also, she gets her ability to speak English back. Awwww, how convenient.

That Liz Lemon chick holds Sawyer & Company at gunpoint and then fires missiles or something over in Locke's direction. Tragically, they don't appear to hit Jack in the face.

Non-Island Action:

Locke is en route to the hospital after being run over by Desmond. He's brought in at the same time as Sun and her gunshot wound. Sun seems to recognize Locke.

My favorite buddy cop team of Sawyer and Miles arrest Sayid for Sun's shooting and the murders.

Desmond runs into Claire on her way to the adoption agency and convinces her to see a lawyer -- that chick whose ass blew up last week. Coincidentally, she was actually looking for Claire because... Jack and his son go to a reading of their dad's will (cuz that's fun bonding time). Claire tells him that they share a dad, and then Jack is called off for an emergency at the hospital, that emergency being... Locke. Sun's OK, by the way, and I guess a gunshot to the uterus isn't harmful to babies after all.

24

Jack's GF is dead. This doesn't bode well for the rest of the world. VENGEANCE!!!

But first we just get sad puppy Jack. Sad, sad puppy Jack, pulled into focus by a call from Chloe. She puts Jack in touch with that Russian Dad Who Killed His Sons A While Back. After Jack threatens to kill his family and/or put them into Witness Protection, the Russian Dude tells him that Moscow's behind everything and that Starbuck knows everything. Bauer/Starbuck Showdown, coming right up!

Charles Logan and his Turkey Neck join Novakovich for breakfast and a little light blackmail. He convinces the Russian Minister to rejoin the peace agreement. Logan is so thrilled by his victory it's adorable. Ethan's all, "How'd you do it? No really - how'd you do it?" Logan ain't telling - but he's mighty pleased with himself and he wants credit. Oh how I missed this egomaniac - he wants a Secret Service agent reassigned when he gets a disdainful look. Love him!

Starbuck claims not to know anything about why Renee would be killed. Jack decides she's lying and starts beating the living crap out of her. If there's one thing this show loves, it's violence against women.

Logan gets wind of Jack and his rampage and goes to President Taylor to stop him. He tells the President that the Russian government is behind everything today and that he used that info to blackmail them back to the peace table. Logan doesn't want the news about Russia coming out because it'll endanger the peace talks. He wants to cover it all up, and wants President Taylor to bury it with him - for the greater good. This is all terribly complicated, as all of Charles Logan's motives always are. Cuz I don't know - can't you just do the whole peace thing in a month or so when this blows over?

Jack calls the President looking for an immunity deal for Starbuck. She ignores his call. IGNORES IT! She heads to CTU to talk to Jack in person. Is this the best use of her presidential resources? Cisco has some amazing teleconferencing capabilities, or so says this show. I can't imagine she'll be leaving CTU alive - she's gotta be shot by someone, right? Maybe Arlo. So far he's been really purposeless. Nothing going on with him this season other than being a whiny bitch?

The President orders Jack to stand down and not question Starbuck, to leave well enough alone. I guess she wanted to do it face-to-face so he'd realize she was serious. Plus she has a helicopter ready to escort his ass out of CTU. Damn, Jack Bauer just got owned.

Before leaving, the President orders Chloe to make sure security around Starbuck is airtight, thereby guaranteeing that it won't be. On the way out, Jack takes an agent hostage and commandeers the helicopter. Of course he does.

Project Runway: Finale Part 1

The Final Four designers are given $9000 and 4 months to make their final collection. I'm expecting Mila to make it to the final over Jay. I just am. Because I hate her and the universe hates me.

Tim's Home Visits

Seth Aaron made a tremendous amount of looks - all finished - and a tremendous amount of textured black. Tim flat-out tells Seth Aaron it's amazing stuff, but he won't win because it's expected. It was really sad to watch Seth Aaron be so deflated by Tim's comments. I would have cried. Seth Aaron's family was super cute.

Emilio's working with some really gross colors. I think it's largely unfinished - well, it had better be unfinished. It's fugly. Tim tells him it looks old and crappy and, as usual, Emilio disregards everything Tim says. I don't like his constant disrespect of Tim Gunn!

Mila's is the typical black and white bullcrap. Jesus, she even has a black and white dog. Tim calls it matronly, but then seems to love it. Ugh.

Jay's stuff is half-finished and hard to judge, but Tim calls it student work. Burn! Jay's Filipino family rules and they're eating Filipino food. Jealous!

Fashion Week Face-Off

It's Mila vs. Jay. Mila's stuff is all black and white and all heavy. I hate her. Jay has his crazy plays on volume and it's not blowing me away, but it's very well made - definitely better than Mila. But that's just because - have I mentioned this lately? - I HATE MILA!

It's really close and the judges are split on who should win. They're killing me, but I'm trying to remember to expect the worst.

Bye-bye: Jay. Booooooooooooooooo. I guess I have to root for Seth Aaron now. Bollocks bollocks bollocks.

Kick-Ass Was

Mike has this thing for Roger Ebert. He says that Roger Ebert is always right about movies. Well, he doesn't think that any longer. Cuz Kick-Ass was good and Ebert hated it. Take that, Mike! Your boyfriend isn't infallible!

Anyway, I loved Kick-Ass. Because of course I'm going to love a movie where an 11-year-old girl says the C word and fights grown men. But to me it wasn't all about the violence - and honestly, maybe I'm desensitized or something, because the violence didn't seem so out of hand to me. The Hit Girl/Big Daddy storyline is actually kind of sad when you think about it - this man has essentially brainwashed his daughter into being a superhero and killing people. But for the most part, the movie is fun and the action is amazing. Definitely a good time.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Peter Weller appears on a subway after some blue other-universe lens flares. All of the passengers die and all of the electronic devices go out.

Peter Weller is a time traveler, and once he's caught by the team he travels back in time to start over. So we relive the opening scene and the team's investigation, while Olivia experiences some déjà vu. Peter Weller appears to be fusing himself with metal coils and machinery, turning himself into a time traveling Robocop.

Walter writes a confession to Peter and I already want to die from it. WAAALTER! He puts it in an envelope and I realize it'll be too much for me to handle once the moment of truth arrives. The pain's too great already. This show makes me melodramatic. Let's go back to the freak story before I lose my mind.

Robocop is time traveling to try to save the life of his dead GF. Walter talks to Robocop and shares his story of what he was willing to do because of grief, tells him that there will be repercussions to his actions. He time jumps a couple more times until he lands where he needs to in order to prevent his GF's car accident. But he doesn't prevent it, instead dying alongside her in the accident.

In the altered timeline, Walter still writes the confession to Peter, but then he burns the letter.

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Walter eats (or kind of just fondles, actually) a Twizzler.

This Week's Code: SECRET.

This was a good episode, very quiet and sad. I don't like my Fringe sad - it's too much for me to take. And that preview? Yeah, I'm not going to be able to watch that.

I Want One Of These

Yep, I'm finally catching up on Saturday Night Live.

24: Jack Never Gets to Enjoy the Afterglow

Jack and President Taylor mourn the death of President Pompadour, and the peace summit along with it. Way to give up easily on that one, Madam President. One of Pompadour's killers (Samir) is still alive, barely, but a bad guy disguised as a paramedic injects him with something and rolls out. Jack's all, "I'm outta here, bitches. Catch you next time, Freddie Prinze, Jr., I'm going back to my house with my unstable redhead girlfriend."

President Taylor and the Prime Minister (?) of Whatsitstan suggest that Mrs. Pompadour become President now so she can help hold the country together. Because nothing says Peace in the Middle East like a woman running a country. And now the peace summit is back on. CTU needs to provide security for the summit and, well, we all know how that has turned out so far. The White House decides Chloe is the woman to put in charge of this. Director Bubba isn't Director Bubba anymore. Chloe is Provisional Director now!! Um - yay! - but also - really!? Bubba rolls out, because that's what Directors of CTU do every damn season. They quit, die, or get fired.

Just as Chloe assumes control, Samir goes into cardiac arrest in CTU Medical. Because that's what people in CTU Medical do every damn season - die.

Now we have the Sneaky Russian Delegate at the peace summit (Novakovich) talking to the undercover paramedic, revealed as the guy who has been pulling the strings on the death of President Pompadour. The Paramedic is all, I totally recognized that redheaded chick at the crime scene, I'm gonna make sure she didn't recognize me by following her and killing her. He also adds, "I'll take out Bauer too while I'm at it." Really? Will you!?

Ethan's OK now, after spending all that time unconscious on the couch after his heartattack. Good thing he's ready to get back to work already, because President Taylor wants to discuss Novakovich's desire to pull out of the peace agreement. Seems one Mister Former President and Pardoned Criminal Charles Logan has been calling Ethan over the past hour, claiming to have some important information to share. My, how convenient.

The Paramedic follows Jack and Renee, who go to the Jack Pad. Renee takes out her ponytail, which means she's trying to be hot now. She's her usual wounded puppy self, and they start making out. Presidential assassinations turn Jack Bauer on. The Paramedic kills the innocent old man who lives across the street from Jack, and decides to watch them get it on through a sniper scope. Voyeurism turns the Paramedic on.

There's plenty of boring politics and Mrs. Pompadour and Daughter crap going on - all so that Jack can last a little longer in bed. Can't have him just lasting through a commercial break like most guys on this show. Jack Bauer isn't most guys.

CHARLES LOGAN IS BACK!!!!!! WOOOOT! And you know his executive assistant isn't going to be up to any good because he's played by that guy whose eyes are too close together from Journeyman and Dollhouse. He's always a sneaky dirtbag.

Logan says he can work behind the scenes with the Russians to get them to cooperate - but that he can't go into detail with President Taylor. Yeah, cuz he can be trusted.

Once Jack has finished up his business he gets a call from Chloe. Chloe always has good timing. She tells Renee that she thinks Samir was injected with something at the scene and that's when Renee realizes the Paramedic was familiar to her. Renee says she'll look at surveillance photos, but when she gets up from bed she's shot by the Paramedic Sniper. Dagger! Hey, at least Jack got some sex out of her first. The Sniper can't hit Jack - of course! - and Jack carries Renee's bleeding self down the stairs and into a cab to the hospital. How embarrassing for Renee - a trip to the hospital and she has no clothes on.

At the hospital, Chloe calls Jack as Renee is rushed into the ER. She shares that Renee was suspicious of the Paramedic. And then guess what -- R.I.P. Renee. Sex with Jack sure is a killer. Poor Jack. What the hell - what more can this dude go through? At least her corpse looks happy. Silent clock for the second week in a row.

No preview for me since I watched online. This show is almost over! OMG!

Lost

Non-Island Hurley is being honored for his charitable good works, done with the money from his chicken empire. His mom still isn't happy though, because Hurley needs a woman.

She hooks Hurley up on a blind date, but he runs into Libby at the restaurant instead. She recognizes him because she says they're soulmates. "You don't remember me, do you?" she asks. She says he's an old friend, and then her doctor comes over and takes her away. So is she nuts or does she actually recall the time on the Island? Whatever the case, I love that a mental hospital takes patients on a field trip to a Mexican restaurant, complete with the van and everything. Fun times.

Desmond and Hurley meet in a Mr. Cluck's, and Hurley tells him about his nutsy encounter with Libby. This piques Desmond's interest of course because of his whole destiny thing. Desmond is going around trying to get people to remember their Island lovers, right?

Hurley heads to the mental hospital, strokes a check for 100 grand, and gets in to see Libby. She says that when she saw him on TV she got a rush of sudden memories of some other life. She remembers a plane crash and that they liked each other, and she also remembers him being at the mental hospital with her before. He doesn't remember her, but asks her out on a date (she's in the hospital voluntarily, so she can leave).

They have a picnic on the beach and Libby gets déjà vu from it. When they kiss, Hurley totally gets flashes of Island memories. OH SNAP! Desmond witnesses this and then drives off, all successful in his dual-reality matchmaking.

Island Hurley visits Libby's grave, where he is visited by a vision of Michael. Michael says he wants to prevent Hurley from killing everyone. See, Richard and company want to blow up the plane to prevent Smokey from flying off the Island. So That One Chick gets some dynamite from the Black Rock - and when Hurley tries to warn her not to do it - she blows the eff up. R.I.P. That chick with the accent who was hella devoted to Jacob. BAM!

Despite the blowing up, Richard is ready to get more dynamite and go. Hurley stop him from doing that by... blowing up all the dynamite. Hurley says they have to go talk to Locke, but Richard doesn't wanna. Ben agrees to go with Richard to find some explosives elsewhere, and Miles goes with.

On their way through the jungle, everyone hears the whispers, and Hurley knows what they are - dead souls stuck on the Island.

Sayid shows back up at Smokey!Locke's camp, bringing Desmond with him. Well actually, he has Desmond tied to a tree and brings Locke to him.

Desmond and Locke go walking and see a boy in the jungle. Locke tells him to ignore the boy and walks away. He takes Desmond to an old well, they talk for a bit, and then Locke throws Desmond down into it. Nooooo! Locke comes back to the camp, sans Desmond, just as Hurley and company walk in. Alright, so now most everyone is all together again. There's a weird Jack/Locke face-off complete with ominous music and close-ups and then we're back to Off Island.

Non-Island Desmond is watching as Locke wheels himself down the road outside his school. Ben comes over to make sure Desmond isn't a perv. Desmond then plows his car into Locke and runs his crippled ass over. OH HOLY HELL! That was kind of funny. Ben comes running over to help Locke. The end. And dammit - I don't get a preview because I'm watching online. Dagger!

Wait - does this mean Locke and Ben are soulmates?

Project Runway

Challenge: create a look inspired by the circus. Oh now that's just asking for a disaster.

Jay's was kind of literal with that red ringmaster jacket, but he does always make good pants.


Mila's is crap crap CRAP. God I hate her. It's so ugly. DIE!


Anthony didn't use black and white stripes like most everyone else, and it totally looked like fashion. But evidently it was polyester which is a Mortal Sin.


I loved Emilio's - it was dramatic and gorgeous and still circus-inspired.


Seth Aaron!! Holy crap!!!! It looks like Ronald McDonald. Doesn't The Hamburglar wear something like that? Oh holy hell save me!!!


OK seriously, are Anthony and Jay dating? Because they both said they wanted to share the experience of the finale together and were tearing up when they said it. Are they BFFs or something more?

Winner: Emilio. They said it was their favorite of the whole season.

Bye-bye: Anthony. Boo. Understandable, but boo.

So for the finale we get Emilio (a cocky bastard, but freaking talented), Seth Aaron (didn't believe in him in the beginning, but I've liked a lot of what he's done), Jay (my awesome gay Asian), and Mila (one of these things is not like the other one, one of these things does not belong). They're doing that thing again where Mila and Jay both make collections, but only one is really shown. I hate that bitch.

Fringe

Freak of the Week: Diane Kruger! Eff yeah! Pacey and Diane Kruger forever! I'll always love a Fringe/Inglourious Basterds connection. Always. She even said "Gorlami" which is a total shout-out! Love her!

Anyway, she's talking to some sickly dude, he touches her arm, and then soon after she develops nasty-ass boils that spread up her arm and all over. Puke.

Walter examines the body and thinks they're cancerous tumors, not lesions. He can also tell that the cancer was given to her by someone's touch.

The Cancer Transmitter hits a grocery store next, getting sicker as he walks through, touching all the produce on his way out. Goddammit! Get your cancer germs off my apples! He visits a dude, shakes his hand, and the dude gets Diane Kruger Syndrome.

Peter thinks Olivia is awkward around him because they almost kissed in Jacksonville. He says he likes their little dysfunctional family unit and doesn't want to do anything to mess it up. Yay - I always thought of them more as brother and sister.

Olivia can't sleep and returns to her guru at the bowling alley. Sweet, I missed him. He also stops by at one point to play Clue with Olivia at midnight.

So here's the connection: Diane Kruger, Cancer Transmitter, and the Other Victim are all Cortexifan drug trial kids like our Olivia. Cancer Transmitter is able to transfer his cancer to other Cortexikids. He comes to visit Olivia, but she's tough so she kicks his ass.

Olivia really wants to tell Peter the truth, but Walter is all, "Oh hell no, we finally have a relationship, give me some time!" By the end of the episode, Olivia is back to thinking it's a good idea to keep the secret, but then Walter says he knows he'll have to tell him the truth.

Walter's Line of the Week: "Can you get a sample of this pus, please, Peter?"

Walter's Food Thing of the Week: Taffy. Because Walter uses some weird baking-of-the-skin method to pull Cancer Transmitter's fingerprints. "Since we're baking, we may as well make some taffy." He also drinks a cappuccino, two squirts of peppermint. Sounds awesome. Just might get me one tomorrow!

This Week's Code: ENERGY.

V

So here's the thing: we didn't get to see the sonogram picture of the alien baby and that makes me bitter. But then Krycek is Elizabeth Mitchell's baby daddy! Motherlovin' Alex Krycek. So I got interested in the show again. But then I'm too tired and didn't pay enough attention. Blah blah blah. I'll still watch the show in case something cool happens but I'm over trying to follow it.

Lost

I had forgotten that Desmond was shot by Ben back in Los Angeles, but the show reminds me. Now Charles Widmore has him on the Island and is all, "The island isn't done with you yet."

Widmore's crew is working on a series of WTF experiments. I quite literally have no idea how to explain them. There's a giant coil, an electric pulse, a white rabbit, and a dude gets burned and dies. Desmond's put into the box with the giant coil next. Widmore says that Desmond is able to survive a large electromagnetic event, and so he'll be fine. Indeed, the electric pulse coil thing happens, and Desmond is all like electrified and stuff, but he survives.

Non-Island Desmond works for Charles Widmore and seems to get along great with him. Charles sends Desmond to fetch the recently-arrested Charlie, whose band is supposed to play at some Widmore event.

As they're driving, Charlie jerks the steering wheel and sends them careening into the harbor. Under the water, Charlie puts his hand up to the window and Desmond gets a déjà vu feeling - and actually sees a flash of Charlie doing the same thing with the whole "Not Penny's Boat" drowning incident on the Island.

At the hospital, Desmond is given an MRI, and sees flashes of memories that... well... didn't happen for him but happened for the Other Desmond. He sees Penny and his son and all that.

Mrs. Widmore is Eloise, and she's as strange and cryptic as ever. My man Daniel Faraday - hells yes! - is Daniel Widmore now - the offspring of Eloise and Charles. He wasn't before, right? He was just Eloise's son, at least that's the only parent we knew. Anyway, he approaches Desmond and shows him some crazy physics equations he recently wrote - only this Daniel is a musician, not a physicist. He asks Desmond, "What if this wasn't supposed to be our life? What if we had some other life and for some reason we changed things?" He must smoke a lot of weed as a musician. Desmond and Daniel discuss their weird déjà vu feelings related to their respective chicks. Daniel tells Desmond that Penny is his half-sister, and where to find her. They meet, and it's adorable, and I remember how much I love Desmond and Penny.

At that moment, we're taken back to the Island, where Desmond has survived his electromagnetic event. He has apparently had those flash-sideways as memories, and now he's all-in on helping Widmore on the Island.

As Desmond's walking through the jungle with Widmore's people, Sayid ambushes them and tells Desmond to follow him.

24

Ethan's still unconscious on the sofa. So what did he have exactly? The kind of heart-attack that can be treated with a light nap? Lucky him. The funny thing is that the Chief of Staff and That Sneaky Bald Guy are just going about their nefarious business while Ethan's on the couch, checking on him now and then.

President Pompadour wants to give himself up for the good of mankind, and whacks Jack over the head. MISTAKE! He locks his family, Jack, and Renee into a room and gives himself up. The bad guys stop the bomb with literally 7 seconds left.

Jack breaks out of the room, calls Chloe, and sends Renee and the Pompadour Family to the Air Force Base. His next call is to the President, to let her know That Sneaky Bald Guy is working behind her back, and that President Pompadour gave himself up.

The President catches the Chief of Staff and That Sneaky Bald Guy - hanging around Ethan's body, what else? - and questions them. She even slaps Rob across the face as if he were her son.

The lights come on in CTU and I forgot that they were out - I thought it was just really, really dark in there. It seemed normal to me.

Starbuck, now that she's evil, acts sneaky all the time. Arlo is suspicious, confronts her in the server room (the trunk line? I don't know what that is), and she almost chokes him to death with a computer cord. But he's called away and leaves before she has the chance. Dagger. She was pretty close to racking up a bigger body count than Jack Bauer.

Jack tails President Pompadour and the Bad Guys - in a Hyundai. What happened to a good old American SUV? It's a pretty speedy little car though. There's a chase in a parking garage, and then the Bad Guy drives off of the top floor. The driver looks like a goner, but President Pompadour has been transferred to another vehicle during the chase. Well either that, or he was saved by his Fabulous Hair Airbag. Hairbag.

Jack knows someone at CTU must be tipping the Bad Guys off. He has his stable of bitches - Renee and Chloe - work together to figure it out. It doesn't take them long to figure out it's Starbuck (using the Bad Guy's cell phone), but not before she shoots her way out of CTU. She kills the nice, adorable Security Guard! BITCH!

She shoots her way through the parking garage, Freddie Prinze, Jr. hot on her trail. He busts her ass, and busts it hard. HE IS PISSED! (And this is the most excited I've been so far, I think.) Nothing like betrayal and anger! WOOHOO!

Starbuck wants to see Jack Bauer. Are you sure about that, hon? You really want to meet Jack in an interrogation room? OK, fine. The interrogation room, meanwhile, is really slick. It looks like a spaceship. Starbuck gives lots of Patented Nina Myers looks to the camera, and wants immunity and money in exchange for her information. I am quite happy to finally have a Starbuck-Jack face-off. Because Starbuck rules, dammit, even if Dana Walsh doesn't. She says they better get her some of that sweet, sweet immunity fast because President Pompadour is going to lose his hair - and his head - in about 30 minutes. She gives them the Bad Guys' location.

The Russian President (I guess?) reminds our President - and the audience - that there's a peace treaty at stake here. Great - that giant bore again. The Bad Guys put the Pompadour up on the internet so they can kill him in front of an audience (but not before stalling by listing his crimes!). Good thing that list of crimes was hella long, cuz that was 24 at its best right there, with Jack and Renee sneaking into the Bad Guys' place. They bust in and kill everyone, but unfortunately President Pompadour has already been executed, and the webcast was prerecorded. I'm actually kind of sad that he's dead. Like, really sad. R.I.P. President Pompadour, you sacrificed yourself for America, looked good while doing it, and got a silent clock.

Meanwhile, I thought my Charles Logan was coming back. Next week I guess. He better!

V Returns With Crappier CGI Than Ever

I am quickly getting over this show and its crappy, distracting CGI. Painted backgrounds, obvious green screen. Me no likey special effects on the small screen. HD does it no favors. You know what it looks like sometimes? The Sims, especially when they want to get fancy with camera movements on the alien ship. It looks like a goddamn crappy video game. I hate how fake the inside of the ship looks. I prefer the realism of a Battlestar Galactica.

Wow, I have a lot to bitch about, eh? It's hard to write something up on this show without picking on it. Cuz the rest of it is pretty disjointed.

Morris Chestnut's fiancee is pregnant with his half-alien baby and it's growing pretty quickly, already moving around and making her eat 3 omelets. And then when real food's not enough, the bitch almost snacks on a dead mouse in a mousetrap. LOL! Lizard babies crave dead mice!

The stabbed priest is repaired in a V healing center. He's injected with R6, their alien compound, which is essentially a method of tagging humans.

And Elizabeth Mitchell is still trying to get her dumb son back. She decides to recruit a wanted terrorist to help The Resistance.

Meanwhile, Alien Queen Anna decides to make an army of her own. The old-fashioned way. By doing it. Or the alien version of doing it - which is some weird quickie followed by her eating the dude.

Movie Reviews: Clash of the Hot Tub Time Machine Titans

Saw a couple movie recently and forgot to post reviews. So quickly:

Clash of the Titans was great, in that it was everything I wanted it to be. It wasn't boring and the special effects weren't bad, and Sam Worthington wore a dress the whole time.

I remember watching the original at the drive-in, and being scared to death of the witches. They're still gross! For me the Pegasus is key, and this Pegasus looked good. I want one!

This is probably why movies are meant to be re-made -- the original effects are so bad now that they're distracting. So why not make a new version that's more realistic? I liked it. Am I going to own it on Blu-Ray? No. But was it a good way to spend an afternoon? Hell yes. There are also some good actors in it - besides Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, there's also the dude with the bleeding eye from that one James Bond movie and the little fat kid from About a Boy - all grown up.



Hot Tub Time Machine was much the same - everything I expected. It was vulgar, funny, and classic 80s. From the soundtrack to the outfits, what's not to love about the 80s? A good time was had by all.

The Real World: Finale

Wow, it's over already? So what happened during this season, exactly?

Callie, Andrew, and Emily aren't going to let DC forget them - they decide to put on a one-day gallery of their photography, poetry, and paintings. Awesome. Emo poetry at a gallery. I can think of nothing greater. The show is a big deal for Callie, so of course she flips out when Andre doesn't seem focused on it. Booooorrrrring. Stop trying to make this so dramatic.

Mike's dad visits to attend an HRC dinner where Obama is the keynote speaker. Mike, being responsible as ever, gets housed and has a play fight that leaves him with a gash on his nose. Dumbass. Mike's dad is just like his mom was, really great and accepting. Yay acceptance!

Andrew's girlfriend plans to move to Denver with him. That'll work.

Other than that - nothing. Good riddance, The Real World. I won't have to watch you ever again.

Project Runway

Challenge: Design a red carpet look for Heidi. Wow, after last week's inventive challenge, I guess they've run out of ideas.

Maya goes missing... and quits the competition. NOOOOOOO! She literally quits because she doesn't feel like she's ready. What the hell? Just design something and let them kick you out, then. I'm guessing that she wants to be known as "the girl who quit." Did you know quitters never win? Emilio reminds us of that. Ugh. That leaves us with Mila as the only woman and she SUCKS!

Seth Aaron yells at me for judging Maya - this show is a pressure cooker, man, and you can't blame her for quitting. The only consolation: Anthony comes back. Oh hell yes!

Jonathan sets out to make something ugly, since he apparently isn't a good judge of what's good. He's successful, because Heidi doesn't like Jonathan's fabric (she rightfully calls it curtains), so Jonathan starts over at the last minute.

Jay's was well-made, but why does he always insist on making the ass look bigger? He's got to know the judges aren't going to go for that. Mila's dress is so crappy and so NOT red carpet. I LOVED Anthony's and thought Seth Aaron's was OK, but didn't look like Heidi. Jonathan's totally looked like it was made last-second with whatever fabric was leftover. Emilio's was simple, but was so well-made and well-fit and the fabric was awesome.

Winners: Emilio and Anthony! YAY! I love that they couldn't pick which one was better. So Heidi will wear Emilio's dress and Jessica Alba (guest judge) will be wearing Anthony's. Anthony's awesome because now he has a dress on Heidi on Marie Claire magazine and a dress on Jessica Alba. Go Anthony!



Bye-bye: Jonathan. It couldn't have been anyone else. That thing was fugly.

Fringe: FINALLY

Part of my suspicious ass was afraid that the return of Fringe would be an April Fool's Joke. I hate April Fool's Day. But no worries -- it's ba-ack -- FINALLY!

It's 1985, and Walter is briefing the military on his window that allows him to look into an alternate universe and copy their very futuristic cell phones. When they cut to the opening credits and they were in a total 80s style, I flipped out!!!! It's Hot Tub Time Machine meets Fringe!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only were the graphic awesomely old school, but the "fringe science" was totally stuff that we have, but 25 years ago would have been unimaginable. Freaking. Epic.

In the present day, Walter brings his alternate universe window to Olivia and explains what happened....

Our Walter would totally watch Other Universe Walter (as he calls him, Walternate - LOL!) in the lab all day, working hard to find a cure for Peter, in the hopes that he could copy it and manufacture a cure for his own sick Peter. He wasn't able to find a cure, obviously, and Peter dies in Walter's arms. SADNESS!!!

Walter brings the Other Universe Window into Peter's room and watches him from the other side. OK, that's a little painful, dude! He even shows his wife! He's trying to comfort them, saying that Peter exists elsewhere and will live on, but of course he fixates on the Other Peter. He watches as Walternate finds a cure, but Walternate is distracted by an Observer in the lab and doesn't realize it's actually a cure. The Observer meets with his bald pals and is all, "My bad" because in trying to observe the moment that Walternate found the cure, he actually disrupted it and prevented it from occurring. So he has to fix this.

Walter's original purpose in going over to the Other Universe was just to cure him - not to kidnap him and make him his own. Walter's partner doesn't want him to do it, and she's all, "For the sake of one life, you will destroy the world." EPIIIIIC LINE!

Although Nina and Walter's partner try to stop him, Walter manufactures the cure and opens up the wormhole (on top of an icy lake) to the Other Universe. When he crosses over, Nina tries to grab him and her arm catches between the worlds, ending up all fuzzy and warpy - the arm that of course she has since lost.

Unfortunately, Walter crosses over only to find that the cure didn't go with him. I don't know, liquid can't travel through the wormhole or something? So now the only way to save Peter is to kidnap him. I like that they did it this way, and not just have Walter specifically plotting to kidnap him. I mean, what else could he do once he saw Sick Peter?

As Walter takes Peter across into our world, the ice breaks and they plunge into the lake. This is the point at which (as we have seen before), The Observer pulls Walter and Peter out and saves their lives. That was his way of fixing the interruption of Peter's cure - making sure he's saved (because he's important), even if it's on this side.

Walter saves Peter, and claims that he'll be returning him to Walternate just as soon as he's stabilized. And that appears to be his actual intention, but once Peter's mother sees Peter alive, it's all over. Gotta keep him now - momma's gonna want him back!

So obviously Peter wasn't returned. Yep, I totally love how they did that. It wasn't Evil Walter plotting to find a way to steal a new son - he was well-intentioned. But of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Cliché alert!

There was a lot of backstory packed into this episode and it was amazing. But no food cravings or crazy/funny Walter this week.

This Week's Code: PETERS. With an S! LOVE IT!

Happy Trailer Day

We got 3 great trailers today -- and none of them are April Fool's pranks! It's gonna be a kickass summer!

Salt

The A-Team

and MacGruber!