24: Better Luck Next Year

This show was horrible. But you have to suffer through it just as I did. So read on.

The plan is for Ricky to drop Josh off with his Grandpa and then recover him, tracking him with an implanted device. Because those always work on this show. Here’s hoping someone cuts off Josh’s arm. Jack calls Karen to convince her that they’re wrong to hand over Josh to Grandpa. Jack’s in temporary custody so he doesn’t interfere with the operation, so Karen calls in the Bill Buchanan reinforcements. Bill runs Jack’s transpo off the road and springs Jack. Bill’s wearing jeans so you know he’s ready for action.

Blah blah drama about Ricky turning Josh over to Grandpa blah blah. Blah blah Chloe and Morris bitching at each other blah blah. This would be 500% more interesting if I gave a damn whether Josh lived or died. Or felt like Jack gave a damn. I mean, he hasn’t seen the kid in years; why does he care?

During the Josh-circuitboard exchange, Grandpa’s henchmen fake the tradeoff and blow a bomb up in Ricky’s face instead. In his face! They say later he’ll be blind in one if not both eyes. So much for taking Jack’s place. The henchmen make off with Josh just as Jack and Bill arrive. They “short out” the tracking device in Josh’s arm. That was easier than amputation.

Because it’s never too late to introduce a new character on this show, Milo’s brother comes to CTU. Makes a lot of sense to waste time on a lame character’s lamer brother. Unless of course he’s brought on for some kind of “shocking twist”. Milo’s brother is cleaning out Milo’s locker and then disappears when Nadia turns away. Uh oh. Ten bucks says he kills somebody in CTU. This is probably the only plot point that HASN’T been repeated this season. Might as well round out the Season of the Recycled Plotlines with yet another.

It should be noted that Chloe has been sulking even more than normal and shuffling around the office like someone shoved something in her ass. Her vision goes all blurry. Right away -- an hour before it’s revealed!! -- Mike says “She’s pregnant.” Soon it becomes glaringly obvious. When Chloe tells Morris, I am shocked -- because no one has ever been pregnant while working at CTU on this show. This means that this season had an original plotline!! Rejoice!!

I see Kim Raver’s name in the second hour’s credits. This both concerns me, and takes away any surprise that might be involved in Audrey’s return.

CTU determines Grandpa and Josh (and Main Chinaman) are on an offshore oil platform. The President plans an air assault on said platform. Bill and Jack decide to steal a helicopter and fly it to said platform. Who knew Bill had this kind of tactical experience? He’s going to pilot the helicopter while Jack grabs an S-load of weapons and a new Messenger Bag of Death. It’s like a video game, with Jack blowing up oil barrels to take people out. They capture the Main Chinaman. Again, this would be more exciting if I cared about the person they were going to save. Or who they were going to kill.

Josh bangs Grandpa over the head with a wrench, takes his gun, and shoots him in the upper chestal region. Maybe Josh can take Jack’s place next season! Jack doesn’t have time (?) to carry Grandpa out of there so he leaves him to die. Doesn’t ask for the circuitboard; just leaves him to die. Bill flies Josh, Jack, and Chang off the platform just in time for a thrilling, huge-ass explosion, minus the “thrilling”. The explosion is good enough for the Russian President. He’s satisfied the circuitboard has been destroyed, and calls off the troops. War With Russia problem? Solved.

Jack jumps off the helicopter and swims to shore. He waves Bill off because, as Bill says to Josh, “He’s not ready to go back yet.” Josh is reunited with his mother and Chinaman is in CTU custody. Hey, where’s Milo’s brother? Shouldn’t he be killing someone right about now? What was the point of the minutes they wasted on him? I lost ten bucks.

Tom convinces Daniels to let Karen and Bill resign so they can retire to their country home in Vermont. They seem like the Vermont type.

In the final scene, Jack breaks into Secretary Heller’s house. Which of course is located in Los Angeles. He holds a gun on him, demanding to see Audrey. This confrontation doesn’t ring true to me. I find it hard to believe that Jack would kill Secretary Heller. What’s his beef with him? He’s offended because Heller called him “cursed”? Sticks and stones, Jack. Sticks and stones. He’s also mad because Heller didn’t do enough to get Jack out of Chinese Prison. Audrey is in the house, medicated in bed and sleeping, and Heller lets Jack into her room. Jack says he has to let her go to keep her safe, or something like that. She is asleep the whole time; this is some of the finest acting Kim Raver has ever done. Jack leaves the house and walks onto the deck overlooking the cliffs at the ocean’s edge. And then there is a silent clock. I’ll bet he jumps…. not at all!

That was absolutely the Lamest Ending Ever for the Lamest Season Ever. Fitting.

Poll: Are you going to give 24 another chance and watch next year? After this crap, it’s going to be tough for me; we’ll see how they hype up next year. This season burned me big time.