STOP BEING SO AWESOME!!

Just when I thought Brangelina couldn't get any more perfect... they pick up a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake. If it was half Peppermint Stick and half Mint Chocolate Chip, then I want them to adopt me.

Grindhouse Rocks the Fat Ass

Grindhouse is the best time you'll have at the movies all year - guaranteed! It was amazing; I laughed and applauded through the whole thing. It was 3 hours long - you get your money's worth with this movie. I'm ready to see it again, but I'm waiting. They are talking about re-releasing it as two separate movies. If they do that, I am so there.

I think I liked Planet Terror best - that's the Robert Rodriguez zombie movie first half. It was a sick movie, and I mean that literally and figuratively. Freddy Rodriguez, Naveen Andrews, and Rose McGowan rocked the S out of this movie. It was definitely gross, but in an over-the-top, funny way. It was truly hysterical. The fake movie trailers were also hysterical and sick.

Death Proof was true Quentin Tarantino, which is to say a tad wordy and self-indulgent. I didn't think it really fit in with the Grindhouse theme at first, but toward the end it did. Otherwise it just felt like a regular, good Q.T. movie. Also, it didn't have the same amount of scratches and jumps as Planet Terror. I really enjoyed that aspect of the first half, because it really added to the whole atmosphere of the Grindhouse experience. And I like the mysticism!

I loved these F-ing movies! They really give you an adrenaline rush.

America Does the Right Thing: Sorry, Dudes

Haley and Her Legs got voted off last night. No more near-upskirts and wardrobe malfunctions.

All Hope is Not LOST Yet

See? A TV show can totally piss me off and then slowly worm its way back into my good graces!! This was a really good episode, with a nice twist. Classic Lost, without a monster though.

We finally get a few answers, all because Sayid the Hot Iraqi Voice of Reason finally asks important questions. Juliet: "If I tell you, you'll kill me." Sayid: "What do you think I'll do if you don't?" My man is finally getting some killer lines!! Juliet was brought to the island as a fertility expert, because the women there die while they're pregnant. Also there was something there about Ben being able to cure cancer? And yet he got a tumor? Don't get it, but I'm going with it.

I'm sick of Jack being god: "The fact that I trust her should be enough." Really? Because you got PLAYED! At the end, we find out Juliet really was planted there. They staged Juliet's big rescue of Claire to boost her street cred and gain their trust. Now she has infiltrated them and is working with Ben who told her in flashback, "See you in a week." KILLER!

Real World: Nut Town

It's always great to watch someone go into a rage. Brooke went ape-S over Davis calling her ugly. She stomped around the house, wrote big scribbly notes to him about how much she hates him, broke his stuff, tore the blankets off his bed - she's the greatest!! Why isn't she on the Inferno? Oh, right, because she's lazy and won't do anything physical.

Also, mad props to Davis for calling out all the girls on how ugly they are - to their faces! He really deserves that Bad Ass title, I'm telling you.

Next week: Jen's new friend finds out that he'll probably get 3 different STDs from her and she's upset with Davis for telling him what a whore she is. Yippee!

Another Favorite Celebrity Couple

Are Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling setting up some secret nuptials? A source close to McAdams tells Us Weekly, "They're madly in love and plan on getting married this year." But the couple "want to avoid the press. So they agreed to get engaged and married on the same day - and won't allow their families to talk about it."

Both McAdams, 30, and Gosling, 26, were born in St. Joseph's hospital in London, Ontario, and grew up near one another but didn't meet until they both starred in 2004's The Notebook.

They are totally the new Reese & Ryan - double R's! They just make me sick. (But I didn't realize how much she was robbing the cradle with him! Even better!)

Wanted: Inferno Aftershow Writer for Big-Time Blog

Kim, Please make sure to comment on any Inferno posts with relevant Aftershow material. I refuse to cross that line and watch those. But I must hear the gossip. Thanks.

AI: Latino Music Can Only Be Sung By Actual Latinos

Pretty much all performances were adequate or sub-par. EXCEPT MY BOY BLAKE!!! I can ignore the sweaty pits - he was the bomb! I love my tattooed man. He had some balls to sing the mentor's husband's song too! (He has inspired me to vote for the first time this season, but I can't get through - good sign!) Jordin was the best girl. Haley stinks on ice. The song was too ambitious for her - she couldn't keep up with the rhythm or the high notes.

The producers know who the real draw is - they chose Sanjaya to close it out! Who saw the facial hair coming? He wasn't bad; he wasn't great. He ain't going nowhere!!

Jennifer Lopez was a good mentor - she gave a lot of feedback. Sure, it was half about dancing or how to pronounce Spanish, but it was way more than Gwen did.

Go home: Haley, if there's a god.

The Inferno Returns

And it's awesome, as always! It's in South Africa this year. Bad Asses v. Good Guys. But I have some problems with the designations, such as:

David is a Good Guy? He called someone the n-word! How much more badass can you get?
Danny is a Bad Ass? Yeah. He's so scary bad. I f-ing hate him.
Tonya's back - and she's married?! I'm going to have to investigate that.
Timmy's the Token Old One.
Rachel and Aneesa are the Token Fatties.
Rachel and Ev are the Who's That Again?

On the first night, CT gave Davis a huge black eye (or, in CT-speak, "a wicked shinah") - off-camera, unfortunately. For a minute there I thought Davis was making out with John in the bathroom, but it turned out he was nursing a black eye. CT's a hothead idiot. Derrick replaces him. Good! It's not a Challenge without my favorite hothead drunk midget.

The season looks to have lots of great fighting. And we get Tonya maybe-cheating on her husband. Of course! It's Tonya!

Well, Duh

Photographer Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a court in the Bahamas ruled Tuesday after seeing DNA evidence. On the steps of the court, Birkhead said he was looking forward to having custody of baby Dannielynn. Howard K. Stern, who Smith publicly identified as the baby's father, said he would not fight the ruling.

I'm such a dork; I'm happy for him. I always got the feeling that he is excited about being the father. Don't screw her up too badly!

Now They're Just Getting TOO Cute

THANK GOD for a Hollywood mom who actually spends time with her kid. Violet gets a lot of fresh air.

24: It Takes a Village to Recap This Episode

So Houman - did you do what you said you were going to do and stop watching this show? It's hard to substantively recap this show, but I'll try for you....

We start out with a little of the good old-school 24. Jack punched Fayed around, but of course Fayed doesn't want to give up the goods. Ricky wants to kill him. Jack orders Fayed taken back to CTU because they're going to need to use a "pharmaceutical package." Burke's getting ready, baby! Jack ended that scene with a classic Jack line, "Now we're gonna have some fun." Hells yes!

Hey - here's my idea of fun - no more scenes in the f-ing White House bunker. President Wayne's launching of a nuke against Middleastia was just a bluff. He got the Ambassador to admit that they arrested some General Habib dude. There was a whole scene of, "Wow, you really are brilliant, Wayne". And "I'm no David, but I'm trying." And a quick line about Sandra going back to Walid's hospital. Smell ya later, Sandra!

On the way to CTU, the van with Jack, Ricky, and Fayed is ambushed and Fayed escapes. Just when I was saying "Jesus, hasn't this been done 1000 times before?", 24 flips the script -- it was all a (quickly well-orchestrated) ruse. The Arabs are CTU agents pretending they work for General Habib, and offering to take Fayed to the nukes. But Fayed wants to talk to Habib first. This brings us to the worst line of the night: Bill Buchanan: "We're going to have to involve the President." No! Not the President! Keep him out of the rest of the episode!

Oh, did I mention that Wayne's hand is shaking a lot? Wayne must have a teeny weanie because he was overcompensating all over this episode. First with the nuclear bluff, and then he told the Ambassador to threaten to kill Habib's family so that Habib would cooperate. It works; Habib lies and says that he sent the faux-terrorists to get Fayed, and tells Fayed to get the bombs and then he'll give him a new target. But Nadia re-listens to the Fayed/Habib conversation and detects a distress signal. So CTU's cover is blown. Big surprise - they lose surveillance of the van in a tunnel, and Fayed shoots all the CTU agents and escapes. Jack catches up to Fayed as he hijacks a garbage truck. Jack not only attaches himself to the undercarriage of the vehicle (Keanu-Reeves-in-Speed-style), he CALLS CTU WHILE HANGING ONTO THE BOTTOM OF THE TRUCK! Good thing his hand was just superficially damaged in China, and there was no muscle damage.

In the lame land of CTU, Milo gets jealous and flips out because Nadia was concerned about Ricky when Ricky was hurt in the faux-ambush. Hey douchebag, there's a freaking crisis going on, can we keep the petty jealousy til tomorrow? Ridiculous.

Wayne's storyline for this episode ends with him passing out, then asking for more adrenaline. The doctor won't do it; Wayne refuses to stop working. At least sit down while you're working, and have some water and a cookie!!!! That might help!

The episode almost-ends with a cool sequence where Jack takes out 8 bad guys by himself (of course!). And then he and Fayed do some big-time brutal hand-to-hand combat, ending with Jack hanging Fayed by a big chain. The bombs are secure. So of course I'm like, now what? There are still 6 or 7 or something episodes left. Ricky shows up with his team, and says Jack has a phone call. Take a goddamn message, Ricky! It's never good when Jack gets a phone call at the end of an episode.

The person on the other end: Audrey! DAGGER!!!!! The Chinese dude from the other seasons is holding her hostage and I didn't catch what he wants from Jack, but in the preview he wants some "component" or else Audrey dies. KILL HER ALREADY! Also in the preview, Wayne wants Vice President Crater Face's resignation, and Jack asks Wayne to authorize a rescue mission for Audrey saying, "You owe me." Actually, I think Jack owed Wayne for not telling the Secret Service that he broke into David's apartment last year. So they're technically even. Also, there's a Mexican standoff between Doyle and Jack.

Anyway, the show has totally shifted focus here in the home stretch. I'm no fan of Audrey melodrama; we'll see how this plays out.

Question: What year is this, 2012? Why does Wayne have a bigass Frankenstein scar on his face? They couldn't have used that liquid stitches stuff?

Is This The Sopranos or The Waltons?

Sitting by the lake, fishing, playing Monopoly, watching old home movies. Nothing better than watching 4 middle-aged people get drunk. I can't stand Janice - she's 12 times more irritating when drunk. Things got good when Tony and Bobby beat the crap out of each other. Bobby has his first hit, which doesn't really go well. The guy got a piece of Bobby's shirt, the bullet ended up in the dryer, and Bobby left the gun in the hallway. That can't be good, but maybe since it was in Canada he won't get caught.

This episode was alright, but it had entirely too much Janice. Janice must die.

An Inconveniezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I feel guilty for not liking An Inconvenient Truth. It seems very politically incorrect to say it was boring and too-political. But it was! Imagine Al Gore giving a slideshow presentation on global warming. Now imagine Al Gore sitting at a laptop putting together that presentation. The movie included all that and more. There was even an animated sequence explaining global warming. It wasn't interesting enough to hold my attention. I guess I'm a stupid American who likes her movies with more guns and racial humor.

There were definitely a couple of things that stood out to me. From what I can tell, the Sun is the enemy and why they aren't talking about blowing it up is beyond me. That would help. Also, I will be leaving Florida, as my house is about to be 20 feet under water. I will be relocating to the top of the tallest mountain somewhere in Colorado. Also, people should stop having babies, especially the Chinese. And I'm still not recycling. Because I'm too lazy.

Don't Sleep on These Sleeper Movies

Inside Man was on an HD channel so of course I used that excuse to watch it again. That is a good ass movie. You know a movie is good when Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster are only the 4th and 5th most awesome actors in it. If every movie were a bank robbery movie starring Clive Owen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Willem Defoe, then I would love every movie. This one's a keeper!

Continuing the Foreign Men With Rugged Good Looks theme, I also saw Something New. I remember seeing the trailer and thinking it looked good. It WAS good! It's the movie about the black chick dating the fine-ass white dude. It was terribly formulaic, but also terribly romantic. Loved it!

Despite the liberal blood coursing through my veins, I have been unable to get into An Inconvenient Truth. Go figure - a movie about a lecture by Al Gore isn't exciting. I think I'll go give it another try before The Sopranos comes on.

The Internet is a Dangerous Place

I'm big-time jonesing for Heroes. For the next two weeks my Mondays will be filled with the emptiness and bitterness of 24. So I've been trolling the internet for minor Heroes spoilers. I watched the first few minutes of the next episode, and now I know what Linderman's power is. A couple weeks ago I was thinking that this would be a good power, and figured someone would have it eventually. It's a money one!! Can't wait for April 23! (Watch it if you don't mind being spoiled.)

Acceptable.TV

How about this? Is anyone watching Acceptable.TV on VH1? It's a collection of 3-minute-long TV shows. I started getting these on my iPod and they are all great. Operation Kitten Calendar had me crying! Acceptable.TV is the new Human Giant.

Human Giant

Is anyone watching Human Giant on MTV? It's hysterical, and stars probably the 3 funniest people in the whole world - Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel, and Paul Scheer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present The Illusionators!

Tweener as Mr. Rogers

Former Prison Break star Lane Garrison filmed a public service announcement against the dangers of drunk driving in a local park near his Los Angeles home last Saturday. The drunk driving commercial is expected to be broadcast nationwide later this month.

The 26-year-old actor has been charged with vehicular manslaughter while intoxicated for a car crash that killed 17-year-old student Vahagn Setian last December. The troubled actor could face up to six years and eight months in prison if convicted. Lane is due back in court on Wednesday, April 11.

I guess he figures dressing in a gay blue sweater and acid wash jeans will help him in court? He looks a little too jolly in this picture.

What Your Musical Tastes Say About You

I just got done buying a bunch of songs off iTunes. If your musical tastes say a lot about you, I'd love someone to analyze mine. I have always had the most random musical tastes. Based on today's purchases, I like:

* crappy rock bands (Nickelback, "Savin' Me")
* emo (Fall Out Boy, "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race")
* songs that remind me of my painful teenage years (Nine Inch Nails, "Dead Souls")
* hip hop (Chamillionaire, "Ridin'")
* songs about Elisha Cuthbert (Justin Timberlake, "What Goes Around...")

I Had a Pretty Nice Little Saturday Planned...

Since I will be stuck in the house all day tomorrow (on account of the world closing down for Easter), I did my fun and grocery shopping today. First stop: Jamba Juice. New Pomegranate one. Silly bazilly. The on to the mall. Whenever I get my eyebrows threaded, I get (as Kim would say) obsessed with myself. Basically, I think I'm hot S and I go shopping. I got a wallet and a watch, but stopped myself from buying diamond earrings. So I saved money! Last stop: groceries. Healthy Choice Salisbury Steak and Macaroni & Cheese are silly.

Dagger - when I opened the watch, it immediately fell apart. The B that took out the links clearly did not put them back in properly. So now I'm going back to Macy's. Might as well do it now rather than put it off until next weekend. Does God hate me or something? Because this sucks.

I'm pretty sure walking around a mall 3 times searching for a Bath & Body Works that doesn't exist counts as my daily exercise, so that'll be it for me today.

For Houman

Can you guess the butt crack? Just a little material for you, when you're reading this blog at 3 in the morning.

I'm Single and Ready to Not-Mingle

Mike is flying back to B-more today, to play poker and golf for the weekend. Golf. In the expected snow. Pretty smart. So I'm looking forward to being alone and just going crazy - you know, watching An Inconvenient Truth, watching the Prison Break season finale again, eating popcorn and cereal for dinner, getting a haircut. I mean, just really crazy stuff.

The only dagger about Mike going away this weekend is that it means I have to wait a week to see Grindhouse. That movie is going to be awesome. It's getting amazing reviews and I think it'll be good times. I'll see it next Friday....

Good News or Bad News? You Decide!

The cast of The Real World Las Vegas will reunite for a six-episode series that will be filmed in the exact same $2 million suite at The Palms as the series was five years ago.

Originally Bunim-Murray Productions & MTV were trying to have a reunion of The Real World Austin cast.

This is the first time they've done anything like this. I'll watch it... OF COURSE!

Moving in on Brangelina's Territory

My other favorite parent/child combination.

A Gift From Heaven?

When I envision The Perfect Movie, this is it. Kevin Costner, Dane Cook, Demi Moore. What's not to love? And Dane is doing a "serious" role. I'm sure we're going to be hearing Oscar buzz over this beauty of a film.

June 1st can't come fast enough!

Lost: Blah Blah Blah

Enough with The Hurley & Sawyer Comedy Hour. Really. It's bad enough half the show was a Kate flashback - why does the other half have to be split between that sitcom and The Kate & Juliet Bondage Fest? Ugh.

As for that flashback - I didn't see the point. I can't stand these flashbacks anymore and I really can't stand Kate's since they all have to do with her "on the lam" and "talking to her mom". LAME! And how many more times can we watch Kate cry? Lordy!

Smoke Monster makes an appearance. And the only thing we learn is that Juliet doesn't know what it is. But she could totally be lying about this. Also, I have a feeling she was left behind on purpose so that she can go back to the beach with them for some reason. Sayid is always right - and he knows something is up with Juliet. Sayid is the only awesome character left - need more Sayid!!!

Sayid, Jack, Kate, and Juliet are going back to Losties Beach. Within the next two weeks they had better bring everyone back to Camp Others. Because there are freaking houses there, and food, and possibly toilets, and it has to be way better than living outside on the beach. Or they could at least go move into where Jack was being held prisoner - it had a TV!

America Stinks

Gina? Really? You had to vote out Gina? Over THAT WHORE Haley! Great - next week we get another almost-upskirt shot of Haley while she sings off-key. And Soul Sucker Phil returns.

This one hurts, America. Gina was da bomb! But she probably got voted out because she put her tongue piercing back in. Which I guess makes her the whore.

The Real World Does Suck....No, Wait.....

Watching people hike up a mountain and get performance reviews is as exciting as... hiking up a mountain and getting performance reviews. And I cannot stand listening to Drunken Colie Hoarse Ramblings. Ty is the most intelligent person there, right? And he's the one who got arrested for urinating on the street outside the house.

But WAIT - next week - more Crazy Brooke. Including Crazy Brooke kicking things around the house! I'll be there!

Mo' Transformers

I haven't seen this silly on TV yet.

Getting a Little Bit Siced for Transformers!

At the 11 second mark. That freaking plane thing? Money!

American Idol: Tony Bennett Style

I love Tony Bennett - because when I see him, I think of Alec Baldwin's spot-on impression of him. "It's great."

Blake, Melinda, and LaKisha were really good. Gina was too - she showed she can sing something completely opposite the rock thing she usually excels at. Jordin was awesome. During her performance, Mike said "My horse has come in" - she's his pick to win. I can totally see her beating Melinda - she's young and cute. I wouldn't be opposed to that.

Chris was alright; I still don't like him. Soul Sucker Phil is growing his hair back a bit, but that's even worse. He's got the worst kind of Captain Picard baldness happening. Growing hair didn't help; maybe a tan? He was dullsville.

Haley (she's still in this?) is the only skinny whore left. I said her performance reminded me of a Miss USA Talent Competition performance. Simon called her "pageanty". Simon and I are like THIS.

Sanjaya will totally get through again this week because Tony Bennett is a fan of his (WTF?). And he wasn't as bad as he usually is. He was all, "I want to show America I can sing." Even I went awwwwwww. The poor young kid gets decimated by America every week. Oh god, I'm sympathizing with Sanjaya! Help!

Go home: Phil. Or Haley.

Keep Making Ill-Advised TV Choices!

NBC's Monday night drama The Black Donnellys will have its last outing on April 16, having lasted just eight episodes, the network has indicated.

While We're on the Subject...

...of once-worshiped shows that ended up pissing me off in the end...

David Duchovny has confirmed a sequel to The X-Files movie is in the works - with himself and Gillian Anderson reprising the characters that made them famous. The actor reveals X-Files creator Chris Carter and writer Frank Spotnitz are busy working on a script for the new film. The news comes after weeks of speculation surrounding Anderson's involvement in the project. Duchovny says, "This week, they're starting some kind of road towards doing it (the film). Gillian and I both want to be in it now. We're happy to do it. At this point all of the kind of fatigue and anxiety that we had towards the end of a nine-year run is gone." He jokes, "We've forgotten why we hate one another and can only remember why we love one another and we're very happy to go back. Chris and Frank are going over the story. It's a story they've had for a few years but we haven't all settled on the fact that we wanted to do it, so now they're hammering it out."

I'll see it, don't get me wrong. But it'll be like 10 years after the first movie. Who can even remember this show at this point?

24: Somehow More Retarded Than Last Week, Even Without an Actual Retarded Guy on the Show

Allow me to go off on this for a moment: Why, in 24-universe, does every single President have a Vice President whose values and policies not only conflict with their own, but are actually diametrically opposed to them??!! Presidents still choose the Vice President in this alternate universe, right? But somehow the Presidents always end up with these disloyal assholes. It makes for "good" drama. In quotes because, as I predicted, we get more boring-ass scenes where the President and the VP present their arguments as to why Wayne should/should not be in power and the Cabinet votes. And one more thing on this topic: shouldn't they have had this discussion/vote when Wayne was IN A COMA????!!!! Like maybe then would have been a good time to question whether or not he could fulfill his duties, as opposed to now - when he's at least conscious???!!!! UGH!

And those scenes end up being a waste of time because Tom (awesomely) records the VP's plotting and gets him to drop his suit against Wayne (by "calling the Supreme Court"). And then the last few episodes end up being a bigger waste of time because it turns out Wayne wanted to launch the nuke all along. I was yelling at my TV, "WHAT?" And not in a good way. WTF was up with this? And right after Tom and Karen became besties!!

Gredenko had Fayed cut off his arm to get rid of the tracking device. Mike called this, and I laughed and said, "Yeah right". Congratulations, 24 - you just got 40% more ridiculous than Prison Break. I laughed out loud. I did like how Gredenko (awesomely) turned Fayed in to a bunch of drunks at a bar, who proceed to beat him up until Jack can get to him.

Cheese and crackers, this show is a load of S. And I continue to shovel it.

Prison Break: Gone Too Soon

I am surprisingly pleased with how this season has turned out. There were some rough patches, sure, and some ridiculous subplots (anything not involving The Brothers, Sara, Kellerman, or Mahone) but it truly evolved into a great year! This show is too good to leave me now.

Oh, Paul Kellerman - how you break my heart!! His testimony gets Sara off, but gets him arrested. And then, as he and I expected, this gets him killed. DAGGER!! RIP The Magnificent Bastard. His testimony also exonerates Lincoln, so the boys are totally off the hook.

I'm glad they ended Sucre's storyline (for this season) where they did. He's bleeding out in the middle of a road. It was ambiguous, plus we got to spend the last half hour on the good stuff. Which I watched crouched on the sofa with my hand over my mouth.

At about 8:40 we get a Happy Not-Ending - Sara reunites with The Brothers and tells them they're all off the hook. But of course that F-ing midget Asian Kim has to show up. When Sara shot Kim I literally STOOD ON MY SOFA! I was so excited! Michael and Sara run from the cops, have a great reunion scene, then are ripped apart when he takes the blame for Kim's murder, gets arrested, and gets dropped off at Sona - some F-ed up, shady, The-Company-is-involved-in-it-somehow Panama prison. (Hey, Michael, how do you say "self-defense" in Spanish?!) Really F-ed up. It ends with Michael walking through the prison, and seeing Bellick on the ground. We left Sara roaming the streets of Panama with Lincoln trying to catch up to her. And Mahone gets framed for drug possession by Michael - and he ends up at Sona too!!! Nice move, but I do feel bad for Mahone. He got a raw deal.

So what do we get next year - Sara and Lincoln working to get Michael out of this prison? He should totally team up with Mahone too. But this prison looks ROUGH!

Damn, this was a great show. Is it August yet???

Unsubstantiated Rumor I Want to Believe So Badly

Rumor has it Danity Kane singer Aubrey O’Day is pregnant, and Sean “Diddy” Combs, who handpicked the all-female pop group, is the father.

Blades of Glory

No big surprise here - the movie was hella funny. Jon Heder is the new Will Ferrell because he's hysterical no matter what - even just standing still. They make a great pair.

I always come away from Will Ferrell movies feeling like there was a lot more funny stuff filmed that ended up on the cutting room floor. This movie was no exception. Looking forward to the DVD which should have an extended cut and extra scenes.

Boringest Week Ever?

This week has stunk. Unless you're interested in an effeminate Indian American Idol contestant or Lindsay Lohan's nipples, there doesn't seem to be anything going on. And I'm only mildly interested in one of those things.

So let's talk about something important - my needs. In Florida it's impossible to find thermal undershirts. Go figure. I guess they aren't needed when the temperature drops to 67 degrees.

Well I need them in my office. Friday is Jersey Day and I got some silly jerseys. But in order to wear them in the Arctic of my office, I need some white long sleeved undershirts. Even a black one would be good. But no dice at Target.

So if anyone up north is shopping at Target or wherever and can locate some, please get them for me and I will reimburse you. I could do a men's small or a women's medium. I could use a couple whites and blacks. Then you would win the title of Greatest Baloney & Cereal Reader ever.

Much love,
J

South Park Does 24

This week's South Park was a freaking hilarious 24 parody. When the time stamp popped up on screen for the first time, Mike and I were howling. They nailed everything - the phone ringtones, the Kiefer whispery delivery, the handheld camera, the terrorists, the various departments "absorbing" CTU, the torture. It was great. Here's just a sample.

Lost: What Stage is Acceptance?

At this point, I've accepted that I won't be as entertained with Lost as I have been in the past. I'm over the bitterness.

Last night focused on the two characters who were added this season, Nikki and Paolo. They haven't spoken more than about three (pointless) lines so far this year. Pretty good idea to focus a whole episode on them. And then kill them. They both are paralyzed by spiders to the point where everyone think they're dead. And they are BURIED ALIVE! I can get behind a show that buries people alive.

The producers have always maintained that Nikki and Paolo are integral to the story and play an important role in the series. Don't think we saw that last night. They were buried side-by-side. I don't remember this, but everyone found some skeletons in a cave or a hatch or something. And supposedly the skeletons might be Nikki and Paolo, because, you know, the island isn't constrained by time and stuff. Evs.

Also, there has been some discussion about Locke blowing up the sub last week. He went to the sub, opened the hatch and planted the explosives. Or did he? Next we see him, he's walking toward Jack on the dock -- and he's soaking wet. He didn't have to get in the water to plant the explosives. So the theory is that he just blew up the dock and not the sub. Well then, let's hope Locke really is a Navy commander so that he can pilot them out of there.

American Idol: Sanjaya Never Disappoints

What. Was with. Sanjaya's hair? He "sang" one of my favorite No Doubt songs ("Bathwater"). Gwen Stefani was all, "It's gonna be hard for him, good luck to him." He forgot the words. He was beyond pitchy. And OHMYGODTHEHAIR!!! He's such a hot mess! Is he doing this as a goof at this point?

Of course the excellent ones were LaKisha, Gina (despite looking like a dead hooker), Melinda, and Jordin. I liked Jordin's choice of "Hey Baby" - she made it younger and fun.

Thank God Blake didn't beatbox. There is no beatboxing in The Cure. I can appreciate that Chris R. was trying to make "Don't Speak" R&B, but it was pitchy in parts and he forgot some words.

As for my The Police performers, Chubby Chris really did have a big problem keeping the tempo (Gwen was right) and I didn't like the echo on the mic. Phil is the bald(er) Sting. Again with the echo. He was good, but still looks like he'd eat my soul.

Haley wasn't bad. That's about all I can say about her.

Go home: I think this is the point of no return for Sanjaya. Please, America. Look at this picture. How can you not send him home?

Are You There God? It's Me, Jennifer

Make it stop!!!

New TV Superman Tom Welling has given the Teen Wolf film franchise a boost after reportedly signing on for a new movie. In the new Teen Wolf, a remake of Michael J. Fox's 1985 movie, the fun-loving werewolf of the title will be played by a female. Website DarkHorizons.com reports that Smallville star Welling will be part of the supporting cast of the new film.

24 Gets More Retarded Than Ever

*stunned silence*

I don't know what to say. Not even the addition of a computer genius Rainman-style waterhead can save this season. Was I not supposed to laugh at every scene Brady was in? Because I did. Not since Rosie O'Donnell have I seen such brilliant retarded acting. I guess at least we can say 24 finally came up with an original idea! As if laughing over Brady wasn't enough, they had to use a tranquilizer dart on Gredenko. I immediately said, "Wait? Pull what out?" This was the most unintentionally funny episode of 24 ever.

Too bad the rest of the show wasn't as original. Crappy The-President-Isn't-Fit-To-Serve retreads from Season 2. Are we going to have another episode-long roundtable vote on whether Wayne is fit for duty? God, I hope not.

The whole situation with Nadia not really being the mole, her station was breached (how exactly?), was some crappily-manufactured B.S. Not to mention that guy we don't care about turning on Ricky the Dicky and Ricky's threat to him. SO WHAT?

The medical scenes were a stalling waste of time. The only thing that slightly redeemed this episode: Nadia and Milo having a hot makeout session in the hallway. But even then, they wish they were Tony and Michelle from Season 2.

Pardon my language, but this show can go screw!

Prison Break: Feels Like Old Times

What a kickass episode! Tonight, we get some nice Remember-When-T-Bag-Was-Awesome prison flashbacks. We get the old cellies teaming up again, and Sucre calling Michael "Papi", which I always love. We have a great chase-within-a-chase-within-a-chase among T-Bag, the Feds, the Cellies, and Mahone. And then a good LINC SMASH! scene where Linc beats the crap out of Mahone. (Unfortunately, Mahone somehow betters him and chains him up.) And an extreme excess of Blue Steel, as Michael dealt with the enigma that is T-Bag. The T-Bag and Michael showdown ("Bring it, bitch") was THE BOMB - ending in T-Bag being pinned to the floor (by a knife through his wrist).

We also get the Fastest Trial Ever, as Sara is being tried for aiding and abetting. That was even quicker than Bellick's plea and incarceration! (I always just assume Prison Break takes place in an alternate universe where trials are really speedy and hands can be cut off, reattached, and torn off all within days.) Thank God for the miracle gun that jammed and prevented Kellerman from killing himself. When Sara was about to plea (to 12 years!), I kept saying, Come on, Kellerman, Come on, Kellerman. And he walked through the door! God bless you, Paul Kellerman! I hope his testimony not only exonerates Sara, but The Brothers as well.

Next week is the Season Finale, which makes me bitter. I really only hope for one thing: the slow, painful death of Kim. Die!

Your Source For All Things Speederman

Click here for the site with the final trailer - now with more Venomy goodness!

Peyton Manning is the Man

As if I needed more evidence...

He was hysterical on Saturday Night Live. I probably laughed at every skit - which is saying a lot for SNL these days. He was his usual big, goofy self. It seems like the plan was to get him to say things he normally wouldn't say. And it worked; he was hilarious. Here's a link to a United Way commercial parody. Enjoy!

I Got Up at 6 AM for THIS?

Tiger Woods, Y'all

Yesterday we traveled to Miami for the World Golf Championship. We got there early so we followed the lowest-seed players through the whole course. We were apparently the only fans of Tim Clark from South Africa and Hideto Tanihara from Japan, as we were the only ones following them around. By the time they finished playing, the really good players hadn't even teed off yet. We found a nice place to sit about 5 feet from the 2nd hole. So we just waited for everyone to come to us. We knew Tiger Woods was coming when we saw the hoards descending upon the 2nd hole. It was crazy. Then once he passed by us to leave, the mob went with him. That was our cue to leave. And good thing we did, because it started raining a couple minutes after we drove off.

Golf is fun to watch - as long as it's nice out. It's a little hard for me to stay quiet due to my Tourette's, but I didn't cause anyone to miss their putt.

Britney Spears Wins Court Order Against 'John Doe'

I wish I could get a court order to have the 10 episodes of the ill-conceived, Lincoln Burrows vehicle John Doe currently on my DVR removed... Mike.

Cringe Comment of the Week

Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, has had a recurrence of cancer, this time incurable and in her bone, the couple announced at a midday news conference in Chapel Hill, N.C.

"Her cancer is back," said John Edwards, 53. "We are very optimistic. The key is to keep your head up, keep moving, be strong." Edwards also intends to continue his 2008 Democratic presidential bid.

Elizabeth Edwards, 57, a mother of four, had suffered from breast cancer but was believed to be in remission. Now that it has "moved from the breast to the bone," she is "no longer curable," said her husband.

But, he emphasized, "It is completely treatable. ... Many patients have lived many years after treatment. She will not be cured ... like diabetes, it will never go away."

Is it wrong to say that if she dies I'll be the first one by his side? I'll even help raise that precocious kid of theirs.
Also, who's not going to vote for him now?

One From the Bad Idea Department

There is some kind of R&B remake of "She's Like the Wind" (by one Patrick Swayze) getting serious radio airplay. WTF? My ears are still ringing....

Ryan Seacrest Loves to JO

Here's the video - crappy audio, but it's not really the audio that's important anyway. The best part is Simon totally saw it - I wonder if it was intentional.

American Idol

Let's just get it out of the way. The greatest thing to ever happen on American Idol. Ryan Seacrest stands on the stage and makes a JO motion. WTF was up with that???!!!! He was talking about Simon grabbing a microphone, but looked like he was whacking his bag. I was hyperventilating I was screaming so much. Greatest video ever - can't wait til it's posted all over the internet.

Also great - that crazy girl in the audience. Sanjaya pulls out this horrific "high energy" "rocking" performance and the girl in the audience is crying. Crying out of love mind you. And through the WHOLE THING! Poor, misguided young girl - unless she has a penis, he's not interested. I've never laughed so much through an AI performance.

Haley bounced around on stage with no bra. Those were the 2 best things about her performance. I think she was trying to be sexy but she didn't sing well. Ugh.

Chris R. was good but I can't stand his nasally falsetto voice. Stephanie, Gina, and Chris S. were alright. Cancer Boy Phil won't be good until he gains 50 pounds, gets a tan, and grows some facial hair. WTF was that mess?

I thought Blake missed some of those high notes, but he gets major points for singing an awesome song - "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me?" However, the beatboxing and dancing have officially run their course with me.

LaKisha was good, and rocking the dress and the big hair with a sexy version of "Diamonds are Forever". But it seemed like an impersonation to me, like a performance as a character. The real LaKisha didn't come through.

Jordin and Skillet were probably the best. Melinda may have found the right haircut for someone with no neck - she looked better.

Go home: Stephanie or Phil

Tuesday Confession: My Love for Mahone

I had a dream last night, the short version of which involved me and Mike on the run from Prison Break's Agent Mahone in a crowded movie theater lobby. I ended up alone with Mahone and fell in love with him. When I woke up I realized - I DO love Mahone. I didn't give him enough love in last night's recap.

He has replaced T Bag as my favorite character. And they are pretty similar if you think about it. Mahone is freaking psychotic one minute and sympathetic the next. I feel bad for him and yet I hate him. He's crazy and yet I love him. I love scenes where he just goes batshit crazy, and there were a couple of those last night. Then he has scenes where he's all quiet, like telling Wheeler, "Don't let anyone scare you into doing the wrong thing." He's terribly complicated!

Since he's now my favorite character, he'll probably die soon. But wouldn't it be awesome if the next season focused on Mahone? Here's hoping he at least takes out Kim before he dies.

(Also, since Gregory Itzin is now lost in the 24 universe, William Fichtner is my favorite supporting actor.)

24

Floating rib fragments. They're like kryptonite to Jack Bauer. Also, they're a convenient way to get him back to CTU, talking to his brother's wife, dissing her (he was all, I gotta call Audrey, but if that doesn't work I'll totally call you), and then discovering that Audrey is dead. Well, she allegedly died in a car crash in China. Like the Chinese can be trusted. Jack freaks out because no one told him about Audrey. When were they supposed to tell you, Jack? Before they sent you to be killed by Fayed? After you took a bite of a dude's neck? While you were meeting with Logan? (Hey, I just realized: WTF? No follow up on Logan?)

The producers of 24 really think we're dumb this year. As an example, consider this exchange:
CTU: Morris loses track of the drone on the satellite.
Cut to Russians: Russian 1: "I successfully disabled the tracking on the drone."
Russian 2: "Good, now CTU won't be able to track the drone."
Oh thank god they spoon-fed that to me, I wouldn't have figured it out otherwise.

One good moment: Milo tells Chloe to check Morris's breath to see if he's been drinking. So she goes over and kisses him. When he asks what that was for, she says, "I was checking your breath." That Chloe is so smooth.

Ricky Schroder isn't just a prick, he's a racist prick. But Ricky accusing Nadia of leaking information leads to a nice little fight between him and Milo. I do love a good CTU pissing match!!!

I guess those rib fragments stopped floating long enough for Jack to man-up and join in the trip out to the Drone Control Center. Shouldn't the bad guys know better than to set up their main digs 3 blocks from CTU? Jesus. And speaking of Jack's ribs, could they have outfitted him with a worse bandage? It covered his tits and made it look like he was wearing a tube top! He's Jack Bauer, dammit! He doesn't wear tube tops!

Is Nadia a mole? If not, then who? Could the VP be more of a prick? Why hasn't the VP been sworn in as President, considering Palmer's in a coma and all? Was this Sandra Palmer's greatest episode (she didn't say a word)? What good is getting Palmer out of his coma going to do if he dies after ordering the VP to stop? Why did it seem like a lot of stuff happened in this episode, and yet the quickly-wrapped-up drone part was unsatisfying?

Prison Break

If the producers of Prison Break do one thing, I hope they let C Note have a happy ending. No one on this show ever gets one, but I feel like he deserves one most of all. I hope the witness protection sticks. Even if it means we never hear from him again, I just want him to be happy. Is that so wrong?

Sara turned herself in and the Brothers fled to Panama. Michael finally realizes all the people who have died as a result of his actions, starting with the guard way back in the prison days. (About 75% of the dead were killed by T Bag; he's racking up quite the ridiculous body count. He needs to be offed just so the bloodshed can stop.) The Brothers started fighting about the consequences and Sara and Veronica, and started to brawl, but unfortunately stopped before it could get really hot.

Question: someone (either FBI or Kim) said that T Bag had been apprehended, and the plan was to keep him alive. This is clearly false. Was this a continuity error or did he just lie about it? It looks like T Bag is cruisin' to a Scofield bruisin'.

Everything is building up to a huge, like, 8-way showdown. It's gonna be excelente!!!

And the Award for Most Original Suicide Goes To....

Brad Delp, the lead singer for the band Boston who killed himself last week, left behind a note in which he called himself "a lonely soul," according to police reports released Thursday. The note was paper-clipped to the neck of Delp's shirt when police found his body at his Atkinson home, on the bathroom floor, his head on a pillow. He had sealed himself inside with two charcoal grills; toxicology tests showed he had committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.

In another note on a door at the top of the stairs, Delp cautioned that there was carbon monoxide inside.

Imagine the time it takes to lug 2 grills into a bathroom. He was certainly committed to his suicide. And how nice to warn others of the carbon monoxide. Great guy!

Planting the Seed

This year I definitely want to do a Fantasy Football league. I've always been intrigued, but now that I work for CBS it's almost a requirement. I'm hoping to fly Houman down for a "Fantasy Football for Dummies" seminar this summer.

I wanted to see if there was any interest out there in participating in a Baloney & Cereal League. I don't even know how it works, truly, but I know it's all online so we can do it from all the various countries in which my audience resides.

I'm thinking Houman, being the most experienced with the ol' FF, should be Commissioner. The only problem with that is he can't be bothered to use his keyboard. It's too hard.

Anyway, let me know if anyone is interested. It would be very basic, since it's my first time - be gentle.

Wow.

I've never seen anyone actually cry blood before. This could be the Picture of the Year.

Lost: Chahhhhhhhlie

I love Claire episodes because that means we get to hear “Chahhhlie” at least 40 times. Over the last 2 episodes, Lost’s status has changed from “vomit inducing” to “not horrible”. The “big reveal” in this episode was that Claire is Jack’s sister, but anyone with half a brain figured that out already. What was cool: blood spurting out of the dude’s ear when he crossed the sonic barrier. Of course, the greatest part came at the end. Locke, Sayid, and Kate arrive at The Others' housing project. It’s really a nice little college campus type of place. People are on bikes – and Jack is laughing and playing football with Fake Beard Guy. That really made for a classic, must-rewind ending.

Oh yeah, and they put a long-ass note (seriously, it was a novella - just write "We're on an island. Find us.") on a bird that was tagged. So I guess in 3 years that's their excuse for being discovered.

Next week: The John Locke Paralysis Story.

I Don't Know How I Feel About The Name But....

.... I must report on all things Brangelina.

Angelina Jolie picked up 3-year-old son Pax Thien Jolie on Thursday at the Tam Binh orphanage outside Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

I'm looking forward to him getting a highlighted mohawk to match Maddox's.

The Real World

I haven't written much about The Real World this season, but it is truly one of the best seasons. Brooke is crazy bipolar and reminds me of me. Colie is a gross horseface slut. But in this week's episode, Jenn takes the cake.

Who even knew that she had a boyfriend back home? The season must be almost over, but this is the first I've heard of him. So she calls him to tell him that she got drunk and had sex with Alex recently. Um, Jenn, sweetie, you had sex with him on the first night in the house too, remember? She didn't mention that. Then Jenn's sister tells her that her boyfriend has been kissing girls. AND JENN HAS THE AUDACITY TO BE UPSET ABOUT IT!!!! She says that him kissing girls is worse because it's more intimate than getting drunk and having sex with someone. Also, he didn't tell her about it. (Kind of like how you didn't tell him that you had sex with Alex twice.)

So she meets Stephen's friend and starts making out with him. She says that her boyfriend ruined their relationship by kissing other girls. She is out of her mind!! Then we have the other storyline - Tyrie telling his girlfriend that he had sex with someone else before they got serious. Out of nowhere, this erupts into a violent confrontation where he's got his girlfriend cornered in the bathroom and everyone is trying to separate them. To be continued.... love this show!

Nerd Porn

This Biggest Scandal in American Idol History

I apologize for not posting this days ago, since it truly is the biggest (and hottest) scandal ever.

I always thought Mario Vasquez quit American Idol (the guy totally could have won!) because he didn't want to get locked into a contract. Turns out he allegedly quit over this embarrassing incident:

Former American Idol finalist Mario Vasquez is facing accusations that he tried to masturbate in front of a male employee in a bathroom on the set of the hit show in February 2005.

According to the lawsuit filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court and obtained by TMZ, Vazquez allegedly "sexually harassed" Magdaleno Olmos, assistant accountant for Fremantle Media, the company that produces American Idol.

In the lawsuit, Olmos claims "Vazquez stared lasciviously, smiled lasciviously ... and on one occasion followed him into a bathroom ... knocked on the door of the plaintiff's stall and made eye contact through the space in the stall door."

The lawsuit alleges that Vazquez "started to rub his genitals over his pants. Attempting to leave the bathroom, Olmos opened the door of the stall and saw Vazquez standing in front of him with his pants down masturbating."

According to the documents, Vazquez pushed Olmos "further into the stall and continued masturbating with one hand and trying to pull down Olmos' pants with another hand."

Olmos claims that he tried to "cover his body with his hands" but Vazquez touched his "chest and stomach underneath his shirt, and Olmos' "genitals" as Vazquez "attempted to unzip" Olmos' pants.

Vazquez then allegedly asked Olmos "if he wanted oral sex."

In the lawsuit, Olmos claims that as he "managed to get out of the stall, and attempted to leave the bathroom," Vazquez, grabbed his arm "in an effort to stop him." Vazquez continued to call Olmos to come back as Vazquez "stood in the bathroom with his pants still down."

Mystery of the Day

How does a woman who gained about twice her body weight only end up giving birth to a 6 1/2 pound baby? I thought for sure there were like 3 kids in there.

Liam Aaron McDermott, who weighed 6 lbs, 6 oz, was born March 13th at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

(Courtesy of the KP News Agency)

American Idol: Boys Are Poo Poo

Really, there were no great guys.

Brandon was terribly pitchy. Pretty good to forget the words!

Chris S. sang a trifling arrangement of "Endless Love."

Sanjaya was really rocking those curls - he has better hair than any of the girls. I can tell he tried harder this week, but his voice still needs to be more powerful.

Phil is just too damn disturbing to look at. Not a good idea for him to sing the lyrics "Look out girl cuz I'm gonna get you" - he will haunt my dreams.

Blake, dude, you're breaking my heart. What was with that arrangement and that dancing? The vocal just wasn't good enough.

I just don't like Chris R. at all, never have, and this week he was really pitchy. I think he looks like a rat and Simon was right - he sounded dreadful.


As for the girls, of course the Quartet of Black Girls were the best.
I've decided Melinda looks like a tall midget. She was great, and gets points for turning Paula into a blubbering mess.

I thought LaKisha did the best, and Stephanie was the weakest of the Quartet.

Gina was good, but boring.

Jordin was really good.

Haley was her usual horrific self - forgot the words too. But I love how she lost it when Simon actually complimented her performance. Suddenly cynical old me feels bad for her; I'd vote her in and I think America will too. Plus bonus points for almost giving us an upskirt.

Go home: Any of the guys could leave and I wouldn't be distraught. I think it's time for Brandon to take his tight pants home.

Things That Make Me Vomit

I'm usually a big fan of the Bath & Body Works line of antibacterial products, but whoever invented the "Exotic Coconut" scent deserves to be shot. It's what I have here at my desk and it is TRIFLING! It's all I can smell and I really think I'm going to be sick.

Boo.

They're Making a Speed Racer Movie?

High School Musical’s Zac Efron is in talks to star in the lead role of The Wachowski Brothers’ (V For Vendetta, The Matrix trilogy) Speed Racer, the live-action adaptation of the Japanese cartoon series.

Speed Racer is scheduled for a May 23, 2008 release.

These Guys Know How to Dress

The snappy dressers pictured here are tight end Daniel Graham and running back Travis Henry. They just signed as free agents with the Broncos, so not to worry - they'll be dead by the end of the year. One guy forgot his sleeves and the other never took the label off his jacket.

24: Dicks R Us

Between Vice President Powers Boothe and Ricky Schroder, this show just got 100% more douchebaggy. I like Ricky, but he is one Magnificent A-Hole.

That was a bit of a roundabout way to get Martha back in the action -- get her to convince the Russian President's wife so she can convince the Russian President? Martha's really the best person to do that?

But bringing back Martha meant it was The Logans Show again. We're watching and Mike goes, "She's gonna kill him." I said, "No, she's not that crazy." Then STAB! Yep, she's that crazy. Did they really just kill off Charles Logan? That's such BS. Keep killing off all the good bearded characters!!!

I'm sorry to say I don't like this new Casual Aaron. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Aaron, but I like suited Secret Service Aaron. This Aaron gives me a creepy vibe - and he wear his pants up to his nipples, which is never attractive.

Despite the apparent death of President Logan (another assassination?!), I finally felt like the show was getting its groove back with the return of the Jack Bauer who takes a dead guy's belt and uses it to wrangle a gun from another dude and then kills that dude and is on the run from 18 guys. And Ricky kicks it JB-style -- leading an attack on the consulate without Kevlar and a helmet. That pussy stuff is for the rest of the team.

Next week: a CTU leak is giving information to the Russians. AGAIN?! Plug the damn leaks, CTU!

America Finally Does Something Right

The ancient battle of Thermopylae was the stuff of 2007's first certified blockbuster as the bloody action tale 300 debuted with $70 million over opening weekend, according to studio estimates Sunday. If the estimate holds when final numbers are released Monday, 300 would break the record for best March debut ever, topping the $68 million haul for Ice Age: The Meltdown last year.

This was one bloody good movie. Men screaming and fighting, stunning visuals, and no fewer than 3 beheadings. Easy to take when it's so hyper-stylized. It was AWESOME and I'm glad it's a hit!

One Down, Two to Go

Comedian and actor Richard Jeni was found dead in his West Hollywood apartment over the weekend, presumably from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

A loaded gun was reportedly found next to his body.

I'm pretty sure I saw him live once. Not anymore. Now we just need Dane and Carlos to follow suit.

American Idol

I heard the results this week before I watched the show - it's a pretty hard thing to avoid, plus at this stage I didn't care enough to operate under a total Media Blackout.

I was able to watch the boys perform during my last free night in Orlando. They stunk as a whole. The only thing I remember is being really jealous of Sunjaya's straightened, highlighted hair. Jared was a hottie but bland and I couldn't stand Sundance, so whatevs on them being kicked out.

The worst performance during the girls' night was Ryan Seacrest's turtleneck. And Antonella. Thank God she's finally gone. I can't stand how she just stands there and is horrific while other girls sing with such passion. Like LaKisha and Melinda, who were awesome. But Melinda has that Old Skillet Face factor I can't get past.

I definitely don't think Sabrina should have been kicked out. I agree with Simon that she comes across as a hotel singer, but her voice is still really good, and way better than Haley's. Simon was right with her too - I had no idea she was still in the competition. I thought she was voted out last week. I guess America wants more than one white girl in the Top 12. I give her one week.

24: Waiting for Ricky

Assad is dead!!! I couldn't be more bitter with this damn show. He was the hottest bearded terrorist ever.

Lennox was awesome. It's hard to believe that Chad Lowe and That Other Guy would mastermind the near-assassination of the President, but are dumb enough to let Lennox go. It was kick-ass how quickly he turned them in, but it looks like the VP will try to bury that, at least for a while.

Chloe has a Mint Chocolate phone? Not something more high-tech?

Crazy prediction of the week: The President is down. The VP will get in some kind of trouble because he's trying to cover up the assassination plot. That leaves us with the Speaker of the House, who is revealed to be... Secretary Heller.

Powers Boothe is hard to look at in HD.

Consulate Raid No. 2 for ol' Jack Bauer doesn't go so well. He has the info on Gredenko's location, but is held captive. Make room for Ricky Shroeder!!! I predict he will begin saving the show next week. Also helping, Martha Logan, who was sitting next to Aaron. Is he her protection, or her lovah???

Child Predators

This week's Dateline: To Catch a Predator offered the usual entertainment.

Number of men who sent photos of their genitals: 6

Oldest Guy: 53, with a slow-ass limp, but he looked 80

Chris-Hansen-Reading-Back-The-Transcript Quote of the Night: "We will be making love all the time with my tongue up your blank." (That came from the old dude.)

Best Screen Name: "luvs2eaturpeach". I told Mike to use it for his PS3 online screen name.

There was also a dude who drove across the state during the night with a freaking arsenal in his truck. Nice. Next week, we get updates on the guys and DVD-style commentary from Chris Hansen.

Out of My Coma

I'm back home at last! Orlando was fun, but hella exhausting. I worked 64 hours and averaged 5 hours of sleep each night. That's why I just woke up - after sleeping for 11 hours.

The conference was amazing. One night was a more formal dinner while the next was a lounge/club atmosphere. It's fun to watch people get drunk at work functions. But there's only so much I can take watching middle aged men and women dancing to "My Humps".

I like working conferences because I'm really good at being fake and cheery and nice to people. No matter how tired I was, I could always turn on the fake charm. Also, the people that I worked with from the New York office are awesome. If I ever move to New York I don't even have to call - I can just show up and start working for them.

Besides all the overtime, I can now open a store with all the products I have. Whenever people visit, they can make selections from my store!

Now I have a lot of TV watching to do. That's my agenda for today. I knocked some stuff out yesterday, so let the blogging begin....

Notes from Orlando

The place where I'm staying is, as the kids would say, off the heezy fo' sheezy. It's the Ritz Carlton in Orlando and it's a golf resort and spa. I'll definitely have to come back with Mike - golf for him, spa for me. They have the nicest rooms I've stayed in yet. And I can always size up a hotel by 2 things: its fitness center and its fruit plate. The fitness center here is totally full-service - like a mini-Ballys, with probably 20 cardio machines plus weight machines and free weights. And the fruit plate I got for breakfast was enough for 3 people - and had a guava. So this place gets an A+ in my book!

The conference itself is pretty big - it's national, so a lot bigger than the little regional one I ran a few months ago. We've just been setting up - putting together the gifts, running through the presentations. There are 17 people setting it up, so it's going rather quickly and smoothly. The conference starts tomorrow.

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Prison Break: Incest is Best

Holy crap!! Did this show just totally break new ground? The President of the United States was banging her brother!!!! That sentence is amazing, and why I love this show. Never in a million years would I have guessed THAT was what was on the tape! I figured it was some lame government conspiracy garbage. I should have known that Prison Break would treat me better than that.

So Scofield blackmails the President into pardoning him and Linc. (But curiously doesn't mention Sara.) She agrees, but instead goes on TV to announce that she is resigning due to cancer. Is that a lie? Either way, The Brothers are officially screwed again.

I missed the first 5 minutes so I didn't see what happened to C-Note, but was very glad to see him alive. Did someone catch him trying to hang himself, or did he just not go through with it? I'm glad!! Now he's working to turn Mahone in, and Mahone is slowly having a complete nervous breakdown. Nice.

Heroes: Woah

I was able to watch Heroes at the hotel. Yay! It's not the same as watching it at home, yelling at the TV and rewinding. But at least I could watch it.

Mohinder finally proves that he earned that PhD and figures out that Sylar is Sylar. Unfortunately, he doesn't figure out that Sylar can use telekinesis to shut off his IV. Sylar proceeds to pin Mohinder to the ceiling. Things don't look good for our favorite Indian. Woah.

Simone really is dead. The new shape shifter chick impersonated her. That new chick is cool. She also impersonates Bennet's wife, and the Company learns Bennet is looking to take them down. Woah. I hope he's not cooked.

Claire get to NYC to see Peter, but finds Mama Petrelli instead. And she knows all about Claire, knows that she's Claire's grandmother, and is in cahoots with The Haitian. Woah.

Linderman is Malcolm McDowell and he knows everything too.

The show ends with Sylar starting to pull the ol' head-slicing action on Peter. Maybe that will be the scar Future Hiro mentioned; I'm hoping Peter can heal or TK his way out of this one.

Won't find out til April 23 though! I hate reruns!!

Here She Is

She used to be a little bit money and now she's a little bit chunky...........

Jennifer Love Hewitt! Most dreadful cankles ever, right?

Farewell all. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for the week-long Orlando sales conference. I'll try to K.I.T.

Theme Movie Weekend

This weekend's unintentional theme.... docudrama!

Both Zodiac and Breach are extremely good. I highly recommend both of them! I love me some true crime/serial killers and some David Fincher so I have been waiting for Zodiac forever - and it didn't disappoint. It was very creepy and I totally had nightmares that night. I thought for sure the Zodiac Killer was in my bedroom. Breach is also very well done, and it was nice to see the old DC hood again.

But I really really can't wait for next weekend.... 300!

My Big Kid

On his knees, praying to the god of PS3...

Guess the Cankles

And it's not Hillary Clinton!

Long John's is the #1 Seed in Fast Food

Every 5 months or so, we indulge ourselves in some fast food. Today's choice: Long John Silver's. That was one of the best meals of my life. Fish, clams, and hush puppies. Not sure what else could be better. Victoria Beckham doesn't know what she's missing.

It's all the Food Network's fault. We saw an episode of Unwrapped this week where they showed them making Lohn John's. Bastards.

I Defy You

To tell me that her hair doesn't look awesome!

You Lose, ABC

According to Variety, ABC is developing a sitcom pilot based on Geico's Caveman: "Cavemen will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta."

Oh my God. Please tell me this is a joke. It's funny for 30 seconds, certainly not for 30 minutes.

Staff at a top London dance studio breathe a sigh of relief as Heather Mills quit the studio after just one day.

Sir Paul McCartney's ex had booked Pineapple Dance Studios in Covent Garden for this entire week to undergo secret practice sessions with top choreographers for Dancing With The Stars - but pulled out at the last minute.

Does this mean she's quitting the show? If so, no chance now that I'll be watching it. I was going to watch this wobbly one-legged bitch's peg leg fly across the floor. Never mind now.

On Course to Adopt the World...

Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a child in Vietnam, the country's top adoption official said Friday.

According to the Associated Press, the director of Vietnam's International Adoption Agency said an American adoption agency representing Jolie had submitted the paperwork.

"She just filed the papers this week," Vu Duc Long said.

Jolie, 31, and Brad Pitt, 43, are already parents to son Maddox, 5, and daughters Zahara, 2, and Shiloh, 9 months.

AI: America STILL Doesn't Like Asians

America voted out A.J.????? Actually-talented, Mike-lookalike, Filipino A.J.???? And kept too-quiet, Mike's-brother-lookalike Sanjaya?? Ugh. The French are right. America sucks.

I'm fine with Nick, Alaina, and Leslie going. And I suppose it's no big shocker that Antonella is still in. At this stage, when there are a lot of contestants, websites like Vote for the Worst have an impact. And really I'm kind of glad because I actually look forward to holding my ears in pain when she sings - it's fun!

My New Celebrity Obsession

OMG! Over the past couple days I have become obsessed with Victoria Beckham! Not because of her tanning or eating habits (only edamame, pretzels, strawberries, and sushi). It's because she's actually funny! Don't believe me? Type "Victoria Beckham Funny" into a YouTube search. There are a couple British chat show interviews where she just comes across as genuine and funny. LOVE HER!!

Good thing too, since she's going to have a reality show on NBC. That is so going to be my new favorite show.

She also has a website where she posts pictures from her cell phone and random little videos. She has been added to my Google Reader. Keep them coming, Vix!

What Would You Do If You Saw This on the Street?

No, it's not a homeless person - it's one of the Olsens. I don't care which, I would still throw change at her.

Lost: The Sitcom

I actually enjoyed The Hurley Comedy Hour. OK, not the pointless flashbacks featuring Cheech. Maybe what I really liked was The Sawyer Comedy Hour. I like Sawyer so much better in interactions with guys (rather than Kate). The Sawyer, Hurley, and Jin scenes were the best. The Lost does Little Miss Sunshine bit was cute. But wouldn't they be the least bit interested in all the papers that were in the back of the van? No, just the warm, flat, skunky beer.

This episode still did nothing to further the plot. And giving Locke and Sayid about 3 lines each doesn't cut it for me.

AI: White Girls Can't Sing

They really can't. The only white girl who is any good is Colored Hair Girl. However, I didn't LOVE her performance. Don't do a song that Carrie Underwood did two years ago. When Carrie did it, I probably watched that thing 5 times. Not so for Gina.

So of course LaKisha, Stephanie (wearing a bad prom dress you buy at Deb, but still awesome), Sabrina, and Melinda were the best. Melinda's face bothers me - she looks old, and she has some crazy expressions. It's hard for me to get past that grill.

Gee, who was the worst? Surprise - Antonella!!! That bitch actually had the nerve to say Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson so he could be wrong about her! How dare you compare yourself to Jennifer Hudson!! I don't know how she can even perform after LaKisha and Melinda. I'm waiting for her to take the stage and then say, "You know what? I'm not good enough. I'm out of here." But of course she's an overly-confident Jersey girl. Ugh.

Go home: Antonella (PLEASE!) and Haley. Runners up: Alaina and Leslie (she was actually decent this week, but just not as good).